Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star,

and I live with my parents!

Ow!

This is my dad.

This is my mom.

[giggling]

This is my sister.

She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

[cheering]

This is my show!

[upbeat music]

[tranquil music]

[birds twittering]

- Well, hi, everybody.

This is your old pal Rube here.

And boy, have I got

a tale to tell you.

Ahem. - [yawns]

- It's morning at the Star family home,

and everyone is still tucked snugly in their beds.

[chomp, pop]

That is, everyone except Ouchie the sea urchin

and Pinkeye, the sea bunny.

In the wild, these two are natural enemies.

But today is different.

Today, they're going to visit their best friend,

Tinkle, the upstairs toilet.

- Hooray!

- And when those three get together, heh,

they have nothing but fun.

- Whee!

both: Ta-da!

[laughter]

- [shouts]

What? [slurping]

[groans] Ah, bluefish!

I'll have to use the downstairs bathroom.

Oh, I got to go.

I got to go. Ooh!

Wah!

[grunting, groaning]

[clank]

Aah!

[shattering]

I broke the toilet again!

[sprinkler rattling]

[upbeat music]

- Hello, Mr. Plumber!

The broken toilet is inside.

- We're taking GrandPat to the restroom at the mall.

- Hey! - Hurry, son.

My back teeth are floating!

- [chuckles] OK.

[engine starts] [clanking]

- Hmm. - Mr. Plumber doesn't know

that the downstairs toilet is the broken one.

He only hears the sounds of a toilet flushing

coming from upstairs.

[laughter]

[suspenseful music]

[laughter]

- Aah! [door creaks]

[dramatic music]

[whimpering]

- [growling]

- This toilet isn't just broken.

It's dangerous.

- Uh-oh, Mr. Plumber thought Tinkle was the broken toilet.

He replaced him with a regular toilet

and took Tinkle away.

[crash] Are you with me?

- Toilet's all fixed!

I'll send you the bill!

- You're an inspiration! - I love you!

- Thanks, Mr. Plumber! [interposing voices]

- [whimpering]

- Ah.

[quirky music]

- D'oh!

- Patrick, dear, go upstairs and feed Tinkle.

It's past his lunchtime.

- [laughing excitedly]

[screaming]

Everybody, come upstairs now!

- What's the hubbub? - Oh, no, what's wrong?

- Patrick, what is it? [gasping]

[mournful music]

- [whimpers] He won't eat.

He won't bark.

He won't bite.

Did he turn blue?

Tinkle is d--d--

- Dainty? - Delightful?

- Decalcified?

- Dead!

[all gasp]

[bell tolls]

- [whimpering]

[wailing]

- Oh, no.

I wish I could tell them that Tinkle isn't really dead,

but I'm just the narrator.

I'm not supposed to get involved.

Anyway, next scene!

[thump] [crows calling]

- [yelping]

[growls]

[yelling]

[clunk]

- Tinkle, Ouchie, and Pinkeye

had never heard of a junkyard.

But they knew they needed to get out of there, pronto.

[splat]

- [moans]

- [growling]

[screaming]

- Yikes!

That old junkyard worm didn't like

to be disturbed when he was napping.

- [roaring]

- And he meant to teach Tinkle and his noisy friends

a lesson.

[screaming]

- [roaring]

[dramatic music]

[all screaming]

[roaring]

* *

- [giggles]

[grunts, groans]

[roaring]

- [barks]

- They're giving that old junkyard worm a swirly.

- [growls]

Brrr. Huh?

[wailing]

- That is one wimpy worm.

- [yelping]

- To find their way home, Tinkle would follow the sun.

The uncredible journey had begun.

[upbeat music]

- [gasping]

- [whistling] [laughter]

- Huh? - Oh!

[triumphant music]

- That junkyard rumble led to some rumblings

in their tumblings.

[slurping]

[cheering]

- Shoo!

No toilets or vermin allowed!

This is a food store!

[whimpering]

- Looks like our friends have come up with a plan

to rustle up some vittles.

[jolly music]

[clattering]

- [moans] - Hmm.

- [blathering]

[gasping]

[grunting]

[clattering]

- That will be 12 bucks even, sir.

- Huh?

[groaning]

- Aah! Halt!

Thief!

Stop that man in the trench coat!

- Hmm. [grunting]

- Oh?

- [grunts]

- Pshew, they made it.

And now, suppertime.

So they ate a hearty meal and rested for a spell.

[all burp]

Our trio soon realized if they stayed in disguise,

no one would know they were really

just two animals and a toilet.

- Help!

There's a baby in that building!

[sirens wailing] - [giggling]

- Huh?

[tires screech, crash]

[dramatic music]

* *

Huh?

- [giggles]

[speaking gibberish]

[crowd cheering]

- Oh-ho!

- Perch Perkins here.

Tell us, how do you feel about that man's incredible rescue?

- I never got a chance to thank him

or tell him this isn't my baby.

- [babbles]

[seahorse whinnies] [exotic music]

* *

- Our heroes were so exhausted from saving babies

that they lost their sense of direction.

It was then they started to think

they might never find their way home.

[all sobbing]

[dramatic music]

Hiya, fellas.

I know I'm not supposed to get involved,

but I can't take it anymore.

You're all just too tired to see it.

But your house is right next door.

- Huh? - Huh?

[laughter]

- [screaming]

- So three devoted friends came marching back together.

They were finally home,

but they weren't quite prepared

for what they found when they got there.

[mournful music]

[all whimpering]

Tinkle could not believe what he was seeing.

It was a funeral for him!

- If you sprinkle when you tinkle,

be a sweetie, wipe the seatie.

all: * All clean *

- [whimpering]

- Nearly beloved... - [wailing]

- Here we sit, brokenhearted,

to pay our respects to the dearly departed.

Tinkle was a cherished member of our family.

He loved to frolic and play.

- You know you're talking about a toilet?

[all shushing]

- If you have some memories about Tinkle

you want to share, please come up.

- Tinkle's seat was never cold.

- He never got clogged!

- And he never splashed back.

[sobbing] Oh, you were perfect!

[whimpers]

- When my dad was laid up in the hospital,

Tinkle paid our bills for months.

He was the best toilet who ever flushed!

[sobbing]

- It's still a toilet!

- Shh!

[mourners sobbing] [bell tolls]

[mournful music]

* *

[flushing]

* *

- Oh!

- [wailing]

- There.

- [blows]

[wailing]

* *

- Huh?

Tinkle?

[upbeat music]

* *

- [chuckles]

- Tinkle!

I knew that old toilet wasn't you.

I just knew it!

- Tinkle? My little commode!

Oh! - Tinkle?

What are you doing here?

You get back in your grave right now!

- [barking] - [laughing]

- Attention, mourners.

It seems that Tinkle is alive and well.

So this funeral is officially canceled.

[flush] - Aw.

- Aw, man!

[grumbling]

- [laughs] And so we come to the end

of our uncredible journey.

I hope y'all had fun today.

I sure as heck did.

And this funeral pie is amazing!

My favorite, straw-burial.

Ow!

Ow! Hey, stop it.

That's my pie!

[chipper music]

[cheering]

- And now, for today's final act,

Patrick will attempt

to escape from a straitjacket--

[flushing] - [inhales deeply]

- In a glass tank filled with air!

[concerned murmuring]

[suspenseful music]

- [shrill groaning]

- And if I may direct your attention

to the bricks above the tank

and the cannon aimed straight at Patrick's head.

The bricks will drop and the cannon will fire

in 10 seconds!

Will my brother escape, or won't he?

[clock ticking]

Uh.

[panting]

[whimpers]

- [grunting]

[buzzer blares]

Aah! [shattering]

[cannon blasts]

[all gasping] [horn honks "La Cucaracha"]

all: Huh?

[triumphant music]

* *

[crash]

Ta-da!

[cheering]

I'm un-destruct-anatable.

[grunts] Oh!

Oof!

[creaking, clattering]

[crashing]

[shattering]

[dismayed murmuring]

- Such delightful destruction.

[crowd murmuring]

- Now, don't you worry about anything, big brother.

While you're healing, I've booked a guest host.

- Oh, is the guest host ice cream?

I love ice cream.

Ahh.

[slurping]

- It's not.

But, uh, she's twice as sweet. [laughs]

Please welcome today's guest host,

our mother, Bunny Star!

[confused murmuring]

- What? Boo!

We want ice cream!

- Put your hands together for Bunny

and her dancing dust bunnies!

[fanfare music]

- Hup.

Yah-ha!

[dust bunnies blathering]

[lively music]

* *

- [singing "Largo al Factotum"]

* *

- Hey, show-off!

That is not what we rehearsed.

Hmph! [vacuum whirs]

- [screams]

[dust bunnies scream]

- [barking]

[crash]

[chomping]

[crowd booing]

- I don't know why they're booing.

I love toilet humor. [flushing]

- No! Mom is bombing.

Bombing!

I need a new guest host.

[groans]

- Well, if you're looking for a star, I can--

- Yes! Yes!

That's it! A star!

Please welcome The Patrick Show's

new guest host, Cecil Star!

- [grunting]

[whistle blows]

- And now it's time for "Fishing with Dad"!

[audience groaning]

- Oh. - Brother.

- Fishing used to be hard,

but now it's stupid easy

with the Cecil 6000 modern fishing rod.

It's got hi-fi, toaster oven,

computer, soda fountain,

laser lights, and hologram bait.

It's got all the bells and whistles, uh,

except for actual bells and whistles.

- [grunting]

You call yourself a fisherman,

with all your modern doodads

and geegaws and knickknacks?

Back in my day, all you needed was this!

[triumphant music]

Gah! - [chuckles]

And what'd you use for bait, old-timer?

A rock?

- Bait!

Only fancy, freshwater fishermen use "bait."

All we needed was a rusty hook.

- [growls]

- So what are you, freshwater or brine?

- I'm just as briny as your heinie.

Let's fish.

[grumbling]

[grunts]

[reel clicking]

[grunting]

- [ghostly wailing]

- No need for catch and release.

I "specter" to get away.

- [ghostly wailing]

- Ah!

[reel clicking]

[tink] Oh, oh!

[crash] - [roaring]

[crash]

- The "Tyranno-saw-us" and took off!

[chuckles] [rim shot]

- Dad jokes and granddad jokes?

Ugh!

- Three, two, one, go!

- [laughing]

- [giggles]

[grunting continues]

[groaning]

- Hey, nice catch, GrandPat.

- You caught a real beauty yourself.

- I'm lost.

What were you two fishing for?

- What else?

Compliments! [rim shot]

Aw!

- Ugh!

all: [chanting] We want Patrick!

We want Patrick!

- [whimpering] Huh?

Oh, Tentacles!

You're on!

- Huh? Finally!

[clarinet music]

[grunts]

- I mean, Granny Tentacles!

- Oh, for the love of--

- "The Patrick Star Show" presents

"Granny Tentacles' Zombie Make-Over"!

- Every zombie deserves to feel beautiful

when they go out to dine on brains.

Since zombies are usually barefoot,

it's important to keep those decaying toes pretty

before the ugly things fall off.

Let's not forget the fingernails.

Ooh, they can get awful dirty

scratching their way out of old coffins.

[humming]

A relaxing back rub can entice a healthy glow

and get me a nice tip.

Don't worry about skin tone.

We don't want to be too matchy-matchy.

Plus, they're dead.

So who cares?

And just 'cause you're undead

doesn't mean you can't look unbelievable.

[blood-curdling scream]

- [growls, groans]

- Oh!

- [grunting]

[whirring]

[upbeat jazz music]

Hmm, hmph.

* *

- [high-pitched voice] I may be shrunk,

but I'm still a better host than any idiot sea star.

[vacuum whirring]

Whoa!

- Oh. [gasps]

I'm so sorry.

Did somebody say something?

[crowd booing]

- Ugh! [chomp]

[spits]

Bring on the next guest host!

[buzzer blares] [chipper music]

- Whee. - Wah!

[crash] - Next!

[violin screeching]

* *

Next! [buzzer blares]

[circus music]

- [yawns] [music warbles down]

[audience yelling]

- Next! [crash]

all: [chanting] We want Patrick!

We want Patrick!

- If they want Patrick...

I'll give 'em Patrick.

[grunts]

Whoa, oh.

Squidward!

- Yes! What should I do?

Tap, ballroom, the old soft shoe?

Hot-cha-cha!

- Zip me up.

- Oh.

[muttering]

- Hi, I'm Patrick,

and my favorite color is pink.

Oh.

Ooh. That's not right.

Ah--ah--

a-choo!

[mellow ukulele music]

[deep voice] Hi, I'm Patrick.

And my favorite color is 12.

[sea lion barks] Showtime!

Leedle, leedle, leedle, lee.

[cheers, applause]

[quirky music]

[chuckling]

[unimpressed murmurs]

[squeaking]

- Oh. - Oh.

- OK.

- [whimpering]

[chainsaws buzz]

[giggles nervously]

Oh.

[angry murmuring] - You're not Patrick!

[interposing voices]

- [grunts] Oh, yeah?

If you think you could do a better Patrick,

then come up here and try it yourselves!

[silence]

all: OK!

[cheering]

- [whimpering]

[loud stomping]

- So many buffoons.

So much buffoonery.

[clamoring]

[crashing]

[pained moaning]

- Oh!

That must have unbroken my bones!

- Leedle, leedle, leedle, leedle,

leedle, leedle, leedle, dah!

- Ta-da!

[pained groaning]

- Our next guest is a real frosty treat!

Let's hear it for Ice Cream!

- Hey, thank you, thank you!

My wife just had a baby.

Guess that now makes me a Popsicle!

[chuckles] [rim shot]

- [guffawing]

Mmm.

- Wait. Why--

why are you looking at me like that?

Aah! [chomp]

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