Original subtitles

- Hi! I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents!

Ow! This is my dad!

This is my mom!

This is my sister! She's shy.

This is my grandpa!

This is my room!

And this...

This is my show!

[upbeat music]

- [munches loudly]

Good morning, and welcome to "Star Inaction News."

In today's household news--

[grunts] Huh?

Dad is stuck on top of the refrigerator again.

- [whimpers]

- Come on, Mr. Star. Jump!

- Don't worry, Cecil! We'll catch you!

- Uh-uh! It's scary!

- A mysterious cookie jar theft has...

[munches loudly]

Rocked the Star household!

Huh?

And a laundry pile-up causes a clean underwear shortage!

Hmm?

[buzzes] Ooh.

We have incoming breaking news!

The upstairs bathtub drain is clogged!

Already on the scene is our roving reporter,

Patrick, uh...

Stair! - Star!

Patrick Star!

- That's what I said! Snootrick Spar.

Thanks, Patrick.

First responders are tackling the problem!

Whoa. - [grunts]

This looks like a hairy situation.

[grunts]

- Ow! [grunts]

- Oh, it would appear the clog is just an old coot.

- I got lost on the way to the race track!

[grunts]

Out of my way, looky-loos! The derby's about to begin!

Hyah! [neighs]

- And now, we go live to the fourth race

of the Coffee Pot derby!

Take it away, Cecil. - Thanks, son!

The seahorses are at the starting gate.

And they're off!

Friendly Barnacle has a fast start,

but now, Coral Face Fanny takes the lead.

But what's this? Coming up on the outside rail

are Big Boy and the Little Wonder!

- How does it feel to be distracted from the race?

- Scram, you scandal monger! [grunts]

- They're coming down the hallway, past the credenza.

GrandPat takes the lead into the basement,

around the boiler, and into the kitchen!

- [panting] Ow, cramp!

[both grunt]

- What did I say about playing reporter inside of this house?

Go outside and report in the street!

It's safer.

- Aw, now we have to find new news!

- Well, Squidina, if you want to find a good scoop,

you have to dig deep!

[grunts]

- Whoo-hoo!

- [hums]

[cackles] Bam!

- And now, it's time for Geezer Gardening Tips!

- Huh? Ow!

- What you got growing, Granny?

- Oh! [growls]

I've nurtured these beautiful flowers from bulb to blossom,

but I'm ripping 'em out

and replacing them with pest-resistant plants...

[cackles]

That keep out pesky reporters.

- Oh! - [giggles]

Now that's how you get rid of pests!

- Whoa! - [cackles]

- Huh? - Ew!

- [munches loudly, cackles]

- [grunts] "Inaction News"!

- Rolling your way!

[both whimper shakily]

[all grunt]

- Pardon me, sir.

What are your views of the shorts shortage?

- Oh, I wish I could talk, Patrick,

but I'm waiting for my first-ever driving lesson!

[giggles]

- Hello, SpongeBob.

Are you ready for your first lesson?

- Oh, yes, Mrs. Puff.

I've memorized the entire handbook,

from avoiding windshield wiper hypnosis

to stifling a sneeze at a four-way stop.

- This is the perfect opportunity for a ride-along!

- [panting] Oopsie.

- Excuse me. Press.

- Oh, my. No.

SpongeBob isn't licensed to carry passengers.

- No problem. He can use my license!

- Would you please just go?

- You got it, Mrs. Puff!

both: Whoa! - Whoo-hoo!

- Ah!

- [giggles]

- So what are your thoughts on the current state

of the autoboative industry?

- I think I can best express myself through poetry.

Ahem.

? Tires go round, engines go putt ?

? Fall out of the boat, and you'll land on your-- ?

- Butt out, Patrick!

You're distracting my student.

- Mrs. Poofy! - [grunts]

- Do you think we'll see an exciting boat crash?

- I'm afraid we'll be in a boat crash!

- Oh, I'll need a better angle for that.

- [gasps] Have you lost your mind?

- Don't worry. I have my seat belt on.

- You're blocking the driver's view.

- It's okay. I can see around her.

[groans]

Ouch! Eye cramp!

all: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

[all screaming]

- And the pack pushes past the Porous Peril

into the straightaway!

[all scream]

- [screams]

Hit the brakes!

- If you say so.

[grunts]

[tires squeal]

- [sighs in relief]

That's it!

[both grunt] - Whoa!

How'd I do, Mrs. Puff?

- [sighs]

Well, that was lesson number one.

Next week, lesson number one.

- [growls]

- Hey! - Ooh.

That guy must be a celebrity!

He covered his face with a ski mask

so he won't be noticed by pepperoni!

- You mean paparazzi.

- Gesundheit!

It's time for Creeping Up on Famous People!

- Mind if I borrow this?

- [babbles]

- [mumbles excitedly] Huh?

- This is a stick-up!

Don't do nothin' stupid! This diaper is stinky!

- [gasps] Don't aim that thing at me!

- Boop! Patrick Star with "Inaction News"!

The public wants to know the man behind the baby.

- Whoa, no one's ever asked me about me before.

My name is Tony Tuna. I'm a Capricorn.

And I like taking candy from babies.

- Candy? - Thank you.

- How exciting!

Can we talk about your love life?

Are you seeing anybody?

- I see my parole officer every week.

- Can we just move this robbery along?

I got a business to run!

- Uh, hold this a minute.

[hums] Thank you.

There. [chuckles]

- Just a sec.

One Krabby Patty to go, please.

- This one's on me. - Ooh!

- Mmm! - Thank you! Come again!

- [chuckles]

- [burps] - Ooh.

- [babbles]

- Hey, you'd make a great flunky.

- Huh, you're telling me! I've flunked everything.

- [whistles]

[both grunt]

[both panting]

- Don't forget to start the meter!

[sirens wailing]

- Wow! A police escort? You must be super famous!

- Well, I have been getting a lot of exposure lately.

[quietly] I gotta ditch these cops!

- I get ya! You want some privacy!

- Whoa! - I know just the place!

[jaunty elevator music]

[sirens wailing]

- Welcome to my secret hideout.

- We're coming to you live

as we snoop around a celebrity's crib!

- Whoa!

- [muffled laughter] - Ooh! Tres shabby chic.

[aggressive knocks on door]

- Take cover! It's gotta be the cops!

- "Inaction News" update! Star reporter answers a door!

- Perch Perkins here with a "Bikini Bottom News" exclusive.

Your intrepid reporter has tracked the infamous Tony Tuna

to his clandestine hideout.

- Hey! - Huh?

- This is my celebrity interview!

- This isn't some frivolous celebrity puff piece!

It's a hard-hitting crime report!

- Celebrity news! - Crime report!

- Celebrity news!

- Crime report!

- Ha-ha! En guard, scoop stealer!

- Have at thee, gossip varlet!

[both grunt]

- I gotta get outta here before...

[sirens wailing]

[all growl]

Johnny Law shows up.

- Okay, guys. hold hands.

[all growl]

Come on out! We have you surrounded!

- Oh, no! Not the dreaded daisy chain!

Huh, if I only had some stupid saps to take the fall for me.

- [panting] - Huh?

Oh. [evil laughter]

Sappy to meet you!

- Oh!

- [grunts] Sappy birthday! - Huh? Ah!

- Have a nice sap.

Mind the sap. - [giggles]

- Hey! Don't push the press!

- Huh?

[all grunt, gasp]

- You're all under arrest!

- Hey, I'm no crook! I'm a reporter!

- This just in, Perch Perkins arrested!

Film at 11:00.

- We've had complaints of reporters harassing citizens!

We're taking everyone in for questioning!

[all grunt] - You're interviewing me?

All right! I'm gonna be on the news!

- [grunts]

- What's your favorite donut flavor?

Glazed or sprinkles?

[both grunt]

- And that wraps up the crime report.

[whinnying] Huh? What's this?

- [grunts]

Ha! Whoo!

- GrandPat coming around the turn,

gill and gill with Coral Face Fanny!

And GrandPat wins by a nose!

- Welcome to "The Patrick Show" mid-season finale!

I'm Perch Perkins, coming to you live from the pink carpet!

Here come the stars now!

[all grunt]

Patrick and Squidina Star, that is.

[grunts]

Guys, tonight, all your fans

are itching to know just one thing:

who are you wearing?

- I'm wearing SpongeBob's underpants.

[chuckles

- And I'm wearing SpongeBob!

- I'm haute couture. [giggles]

[all gasp]

[hum]

- Oh! - Huh?

[all grunt]

- And now, everyone's favorite silly siblings,

Patrick and Squidina!

[both grunt]

- What? [both hum]

[cheers and applause]

- You know, Squidina,

I can't believe it's been a whole mid-season already!

- I can't either, big brother,

but I'd like to give a shout-out to our allowance

for making this show possible.

[cheers and applause]

- And don't forget, sis, coming up later,

we have a big, surprise celebrity guest!

all: Ooh!

both: Whoa!

- This is so cool, Patrick.

Why did we come all the way up here to the moon?

To explore and collect samples?

- No, I had to fart.

[grunts]

[laughter] - Huh?

- That'll teach you to tell stinky jokes!

- What a shame.

"The Patrick Show" has really gone downhill

since the first three episodes.

all: Aww.

- Looks like it's time for a showstopper!

- Okay. You asked for it!

Here's Bunny Star and her trained tattoos!

[both giggle]

- [laughs haughtily]

[hums] [laughter]

[upbeat music]

- So, you come here often?

- All the time.

I'm stuck here just like you, idiot.

- Whoo! Whoo! [both grunt]

Coochie-coochie-coo!

[gasps] Oops!

- Ew!

all: Yay! We are free!

- I'm free! Yeah!

[wheels skidding]

- [laughs]

Oops! [cheers and applause]

I'm okay!

- And now, Slappy's Poem Corner.

- ? How do I smell thee? Let me count the ways ?

? Whether it's funky or just kind of ripe ?

? Everything stinks and decays ?

- Just like this show! [laughter]

- Mmm!

[inhales deeply] I like your smell.

- Really? - It's revolting.

[both giggle]

- Aw! Mmm.

[both gag]

- I told you this show stinks!

[laughter]

- Hey, Squidina! - Yeah, Pearl?

- Can you keep a secret? - Ooh, I sure can!

- Good! So can I.

- [growls] [laughter]

- Oh, Flying Dutchman? - Yes, my dear?

- Why were you reading the obituaries this morning?

- Just checking to see who's single!

[both scat, grunt]

[both laugh]

- Huh? - Boo!

Ya haunted hucksters! - Boo!

- Today's magic word is--

[grunts] - Don't say it!

- Today's magic word is--

[grunts] - Don't say it!

- Today's magic word is--

[grunts] - Don't say it!

- Explosion!

- [grunts]

I told him not to say it.

- ? Tinkle ? - [panting]

- ? That's Tinkle ?

- [barks] - What is it, boy?

Did somebody fall in the well?

- [chomps] - Ow!

[snap] My leg!

- [barks] - What is it, boy?

Did someone fall in the well?

- [chomp]s - Ouch! Ow!

Oh, me carapace.

- [barks]

- What is it, boy? Did someone fall in the well?

- [growls]

[TV static drones]

- [hums]

- You're on next, Pat!

all: I'm ready to sing!

- I'm sorry. I meant Caveman Patrick.

- How come he gets to go next?

[all clamoring]

- Forget it! You're all fired!

Bring in the dancing Patricks!

[all grunt] - Ow!

- [laughs]

- Ow! - Saut�!

- What did the electric general say to his battery army?

- Charge! [laughter]

- [grunts]

- Remember to stay turned for our special celebrity guest.

[laughter] [TV static drones]

- Oh, wow, honey.

I never thought our son would go so far!

- Yeah. Now let's see how far our daughter goes.

[both grunt]

[crash] - Uh...

I'm so proud of them.

all: Guess what me thinking!

- We play game! [ding]

You! Guess what me thinking!

[growls]

- What that?

Is food? No.

Is mud? No.

Is subatomic nuclei? No.

If pressed to guess, me say snakes!

Snakes!

- Is correct!

- I win!

- [munches shrilly]

- [munches loudly]

- Uh, you win?

- I love you, Antoinette,

like the fluttering sea-fly loves the morning's first dung.

- Oh, Louis, you know I can't resist poetry.

all: Aww.

- Hey, Mr. Star, you still owe me five bucks for newspapers.

- The check is in the mail, kid!

- Give me my money, you cheap-o!

- Fresh!

[laughter and applause]

- [grunts]

I can't wait anymore, Squidina!

When are we gonna reveal our big celebrity guest?

all: Ooh!

- But that's our finale's finale.

We can't do that yet!

all: Aww!

- Message for Patrick Star.

- Huh? Wow!

It says here I finally passed my clown exam!

[laughter]

I'm a clown now!

- Congrats, big brother! I love clowns!

[grunts, growls] [laughter]

- Message for Squidina.

- Huh? What a coincidence!

I just passed my evil ventriloquist dummy exam!

[grunts]

all: Oh! Ooh!

- Uh-oh.

[screams] - [evil laughter]

- Boo!

Clowns aren't funny! I can't believe we're related!

- Boo to you!

I love evil ventriloquist dummies, you dummy!

- So it's mutiny, eh?

Okay, then. I challenge you to an air battle!

- Well, flap away, Flabby!

Huh! - [growls]

- [panting]

[kettles whistle]

[laughter and cheers]

- How 'bout some coffee with that tea?

[cackles]

- Huh? [glug]

That tea took three hours to brew!

[growls]

- Huh? - Eat scones, ya flabby pappy!

- Uh-oh! [grunts]

[screams]

[grunts]

[moans]

[cheers and applause] - Thank you!

Thank you so much!

- Baby, you're the greatest!

all: Aww.

both: And now, the magic of time-lapse photography!

both: Whee! - Whoo-hoo!

- Ready for our big ending, big brother?

- I'm ready!

But I forgot where I put it. all: Aww.

- Well, it's gotta be around here somewhere.

- Ending! Here, ending! - Here, ending, ending!

- Ending. - Come on, ending.

- Come on, ending, ending, ending.

- Come out. Come out.

- ? Where are you, ending? Where are you, ending? ?

? We're all looking for you ?

? Where did you go? ?

? Our finale's pending without an ending ?

? If we can't find it, we can't end the show! ?

? Yeah ? [laughter]

- Hey! Why don't we just fast forward to the end of the show

and get to the celebrity guest?

- Great idea, Patrick!

- [grunts] - [growls]

- [grunts]

- [howls]

all: Aww...

- Well, where's the big celebrity guest?

- [panting] I'm sorry I'm late!

I was locked in the bathroom!

- Wait a barnacle,

if you're the real Patrick, then who are you?

- It's me, Bootsy Collins, baby.

And I'm just filling in for Patrick, yeah.

- Why, thank you,

internationally famous celebrity person!

- Today's magic word is--

- Don't say it!

all: Explosion!

[boom]

[laughter]

- I told 'em not to say it.

- [laughs]

- Oh, I can see my house from here!

[upbeat music]

? ?

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