Original subtitles

- Hi, I'm Patrick Star!

And I live with my parents.

[yelps]

This is my dad.

- [slurps]

- This is my mom. [laughs]

This is my sister. She's shy.

This is my grandpa.

This is my room!

And this...

this is my show!

[kids cheering]

- [snoring]

[clock ticking]

[alarm rings]

[soft music]

[yawns]

[slurps]

- I'm ready!

To get this show on the road.

[upbeat music]

[panting]

Hmm...

hmm?

[grunting]

[humming]

[grunting]

[humming]

- [snoring]

[watch ticking, beeps]

[gong clangs] - [yelps]

[screams]

- Huh?

- Whoa! [grunts]

[yelling]

Ooh!

[grunts] Muffins!

[chomping]

* *

- Morning, big bro. Oh?

[donkey braying]

[grunts]

- [squeals]

- Morning, little sis.

- It's almost showtime.

[grunting]

- Babies and gentlemen!

- Oh, that's us!

- Welcome to "The Patrick Show,"

starring...

uh...

[drumroll]

[gasps] Me!

Me is Patrick!

[cheers and applause]

- [sighs]

[animals howling] - Squidina!

I'm done with the wild animal bit.

- On it.

[grunting] Come here you.

- [roars]

- None of that on my set, do you hear?

- [whimpering]

- Good boy.

Hey, big bro, did that sea bear hurt you?

- I don't think so.

- Huh? Ooh! - Why do you ask?

- Look, you promised me 5,000 clowns

on Friday's "Patrick Show."

So you're gonna get me 5,000 clowns

on Friday for "The Patrick Show."

I'm not clowning around!

[grunts] [sighs]

I'm getting too old for this, Mrs. StitchyBottoms.

[sighs] - [whistling]

Another great show in the can, huh, sis?

[burbles]

Sis?

- [sighs]

- Squidina, what's the matter?

- Oh, producing "The Patrick Show" every day

has got me burning the candle at both ends.

- Yeah, I hear ya.

- I think I need an extra pair of hands around here.

- Well why didn't you say so? Here you go.

- I meant we should hire an intern.

- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what I meant too.

- My hands! You found them. Thank you, son. Thank you.

Now, back to business.

[grunts] Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

- Ew.

- Next!

- I'm here for the intern interview!

- Ugh, Mom! Next!

- I'm sweet! - [grunts]

- Next!

- [chuckles breathily] Oh!

- Next!

I said next!

Hmm? Oh!

I didn't see you there, um...

- Fentin Finkle. - Right, Fentin.

Well, I see here that you are younger than me

and shorter than me.

According to Kid Law,

that means you have to do what I say.

- I like TV.

- Well, that settles it!

Welcome aboard!

Your training starts tomorrow morning.

- Oh, thank you! Thank you!

- [snoring]

[alarm rings]

Huh?

[dramatic sting] [glass shatters]

[screams]

[upbeat music]

[slurps] Mmm!

Hmm? Ah?

- Ooh! Hot!

[giggling]

Aha! - Aha!

- [grunting]

Ah!

Hmm?

[laughter]

- This is the operations board.

Each lever performs a necessary function

to keep "The Patrick Show" running smoothly.

- Hmm.

- This one, for example,

tosses the chainsaws to Patrick.

And this one moves him to his next mark.

- [yelling]

- What's this one do?

- [grunting]

- That's our "slapstick" lever.

We try not to overuse that one.

[gasps]

Dead air?

We need a new segment, ASAP.

Time for an idea brick!

- [grunts]

Puppet ham.

- Sounds like we're doing a puppet show.

Follow me!

[grunts]

This secret crawlspace runs all over the house.

It lets me stay off camera

while still getting me where I need to go!

- Ooh! - Who's a hungry boy?

Dig in, so you can grow up big and bristly!

[laughs]

- The puppets are this way.

- [grunts] Hello!

Wake up, you lazy puppets!

What's your guys' deal?

- Well, hello there, Patrick!

Welcome back to the Kingdom of Ham-donia!

- Well it's about time you got here, King Pork Chop.

I'm hungry!

- You're always hungry.

- Make with the meat for my mouth.

- [sighs] Fine. Aloysius!

Psst! Fentin!

- Oh! Okay.

Eat the meat!

- Ow! Hey!

You're pushier than I remember.

Are you an imposter?

[dramatic sting] Am I an imposter?

I don't know what's real anymore!

[sobbing]

Thanks.

That's it for "The Patrick Show"!

- [sighs]

Well, that's over... [mumbling]

- [grunting]

- And that, Fentin, is how you make a "Patrick Show."

Any questions?

- Yeah. Who's Patrick?

- [breathing heavily]

- Oh, yeah, that guy.

[laughter]

- [snoring]

[sighs]

Huh?

[gasps] What the shrimp?

Someone stole my production equipment!

- They stole my soiled doily collection!

- Ew. - They stole my face!

[grunting]

Oh. [chuckles]

- Who would do such a thing?

- Good morning, Bikini Bottom,

and welcome to "The Crabina Show"!

Starring my big sister, Crabina!

- I'm Crabina?

- [gasps] Fentin!

He stole "The Patrick Show"! And everything else we own too!

- Well, we had a good run.

[yawns] I'm gonna take a floor nap.

- A nap?

We Stars don't give up that easy!

Did I give up when dinosaurs stole my lunch money?

- I don't know.

- Did I give up when the barbarian horde

swept across the ocean and stole my lunch money?

- I don't know.

- Did I give up when Martians invaded

and beamed me onto their spaceship

and stole my lunch money?

- I don't know!

- Of course I didn't!

How do you think I bought this hot sammy?

[chomps] Mmm!

Now let's go get your stuff back.

Time for some pillaging!

all: Yeah!

- [sniffing]

- That's it, get his scent.

Lead us right to Fentin!

- [snarling] - [yelling]

[dramatic music]

* *

[moaning] [applause]

- You did it! Good boy, Ouchie!

Time to show Fentin who's boss!

[all yelling]

He's gotta be in here somewhere.

Find him!

- [yelling] Yah!

[all grunting]

- Huh? - [cackling]

- [screams]

- We're here for our stuff, Fentin!

- Take it!

The network saw our show this morning

and picked us up for six seasons.

- Yeah! "The Crabina Show" is going global!

- Besides, your stuff is all smashed up anyway.

[both gasp] - [yells]

- Great plan you had there, GrandPat.

- Ah, don't blame me

just 'cause you can't pillage responsibly.

[chomping]

- Welcome back to "The Crabina Show"!

- [grunting]

[laughter] - [sighs]

- You can never have too much slapstick.

[laughs]

What's the matter, sis?

Are you sad that Fentin stole our ideas and used them

to achieve television success beyond our wildest dreams?

- Maybe a little.

- Well, I won't stand for it!

TV should only make you happy!

Come here, boy!

- [snarling]

- Sick 'em, Tinkle!

[both screaming]

[both laugh]

- Now that's good television!

[refined music]

- Duh... [gasps]

Oh! Hello there!

Welcome to another episode of "Pat-sterpiece Theater."

Today, we'll hear the story of--

[yelping] Ow!

This book's too hot to handle! [blows]

Now, where did I put today's storybook?

[grunts]

Ooh.

Nope. That's a textbook.

Hmm...

hmm...hmm...

[grunts]

- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah--

- [groans] I hate audiobooks.

[grunting]

- Where is that dumb book?

Hmph!

[tweeting]

Well, aren't you cute!

Ow!

[screaming]

- Don't worry, me, I've gotcha!

- [grunts]

- There I go.

- Glad I bought that self-help book.

[grunting]

[satellite beeping]

[grunts]

Found it!

Today's story is called "Downtown Patty:

The Thrillifick Tale of a Krabby Patty

looking for love."

Boy meets grill...

[groaning]

Where is that freaky, funky smell coming from?

[sniffs]

[mooing]

- [belches]

- That is horrible!

Not the right smell, though.

The smell is rank with just a touch of stank.

- [chomping]

- [sniffs] Nope.

The smell is more like a rotten egg

filtered through wild strawberries.

[sniffs] Hmm.

Close, but it needs more gorgonzola and seaweed.

Aw, phooey! - [yelps]

- [sobbing]

I can't host the show until I know

where that freaky, funky smell is coming from!

- What smell?

[foghorn blows] Ew!

You're right! We've got to find it.

[grunts]

- [giggles]

Welcome to another episode of "Patrick's Stench Safari."

I am mere seconds away from discovering the source

of that freaky, funky smell.

[sniffs]

And I lost it! Oh, nose caddy!

- [grunts]

- What do you suggest, nose caddy?

- I think this calls for the Durante.

- Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!

[sniffs]

Oh! I smell it! Follow me!

[both laugh]

[all grunt] - Hi, kids!

Want a taste of my Dad stew?

- [sniffs]

No. This doesn't smell right!

- Golly, did I forget an ingredient?

[both sniffing]

- It's missing that month-old leftovers aroma.

- [chuckles] - [humming]

[both gasp]

- Huh.

- How's this?

- Needs more dirty laundry umami.

- Oh.

[grunting]

What about now? - Uh-uh.

- Perhaps a pinch of trash.

- Oh.

[all yelp]

- This has got to be it! Huh?

- Darn! That's not it! I guess we lost the trail.

[alarm ringing] - [gagging]

[breathing heavily]

Delicious!

- This nose must be on the fritz.

[grunting]

- While Patrick finds another nose,

enjoy this educational classic.

- Hi!

I'm Perch Perkins,

and today, I'll be your guide

through the wonderful world of snouts,

snoots, and schnozes!

That's right, kids, noses!

- Follow me!

Whoa! [laughs]

We begin in the factory that's inside everyone's nose!

The olfactory!

Uh-huh.

Here, trained workers test each sniff for smelliness.

- [yelps, gags]

We end our tour in the snot foundry,

where finely crafted boogers are made.

This is Perch Perkins reminding you,

you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose,

but you can't pick your friend's nose.

[laughs]

- [grunts] - Ooh.

- [laughs] You're in the middle.

- Ouch!

- Excellent addition to your booger box.

- [yelps]

- Now that you're done digging for gold,

how about we find that smell?

- [sniffs, grunts] - Wow!

- [trumpets] [both laughing]

- [grunts, blows]

Eh! [growls]

[grunting]

Oh...

- I think the freaky, funky smell

is coming from GrandPat's room.

- It is possible.

Old folks collect

lots of interesting smells over the years!

- You're probably smelling my drumstick hearing aid.

- [sniffs] I don't think so.

- Maybe my olive loaf shin guards?

- [sniffs] Nah.

- My pasta salad insoles?

- [sniffs] Nope.

[chomps]

Phooey!

The funky smell isn't here either!

[bell dings] - [gasps]

My trouser toast is ready!

- [trumpets] [sniffing]

Time to try the stinkiest place of all,

the upstairs bathroom.

[whimpering]

Tell Ouchie I love him.

- You can do it, brother.

[whimpers]

- [screaming] - [snarling]

- Help! I'm too dumb to die.

- Patrick Star!

What did I tell you about teasing the toilet?

- Aww.

I was just trying to find the funky smell.

- Well, it's not Tinkle.

I give him a good scrub every day.

Time for walkies.

[humming]

- [barks]

[eerie music]

both: Huh?

- Limburger cheese and baby powder!

That's the freaky, funky smell!

- We're getting closer!

Time to go high-tech!

[both laugh]

[sniffs] [nose beeps]

[sniffs powerfully]

- Nope.

- There it is!

- [panting]

- [sniffs]

- Rude!

- [grunts]

Huh?

[gags]

- Huh?

[sniffs]

[groans]

That's strange. Roses don't stink.

both: Hmm? - [groans]

- Aw, nice kitty.

Mmm! Ahh.

- Ugh! Darn it! That wasn't it either.

- Hold it! I smell something...

[gags] Funky.

- [sniffs]

Flooded cellar with a touch of mint!

We must be getting close!

- It's coming from Granny Tentacles' house.

- I smell trouble!

- Good! Trouble makes great TV!

- [sniffing]

- Well, friends, we've traced the wild freaky, funky smell

to its source--

the dangerous den of the wild granny!

[doorbell rings]

- Oh!

What brings you precious youngsters over for a visit?

For the 13th time this week.

- We're hunting an elusive aroma

that seems to be emanating from your house.

- [yelps]

- Nope! Not here! - [groans]

[gasps]

- Phew.

- [grunts] It's not here either!

- [groans]

[investigative music]

- [sniffs]

Hmm...huh!

- [gasping]

Oh...

- [sniffing]

- Hmm.

Maybe it's coming from this ball of fossilized candy.

- [grunts]

[chomps]

Eh. No, not it.

- [grunts] I smell it!

[both laugh] - [groans]

- The smell is coming from the oven!

[both yelp]

- Is that what I think it is?

- I'm gonna be sick.

both: Granny Tentacles is a cannibal!

- Don't be silly, dearies--

I wouldn't eat anyone from this neighborhood.

That's just my gorgonzola cabbage and eggs

with olives and pickle surprise.

- Oh, yeah. I see it now.

- I can definitely smell it. P-U!

- Here, have a delicious pickled cabbage cookie.

both: Ah, thanks?

- Bye, now, you precious darlings.

[ominous music]

* *

Live, my grocery golem!

- [roars]

- Have a cookie.

Now go forth and crush my enemies!

- Case solved, Squidina.

I guess the funky smell was just Granny's cooking!

- [roaring]

- [cackles]

[sniffs] P-U!

What stinks?

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