Original subtitles

Yes, America is stronger than ever.

Yeah!

And you, the people who put

the First Lady and myself in the White House six short years ago,

you made it all possible!

Mr. President! Mr. President!

Do you sleep in the nude?

Mr. President, do you sleep in the nude?

Well, I'd like to answer that, Helen,

but I'm afraid it might embarrass Mrs. Williams.

Why? Doesn't she know?

Oh, she knows.

I just don't think she wants you to know.

All right, well...

We need to move on now, and put such concerns behind us

and get on with the job that the American people elected me to do.

Mr. President! Mr. President!

What about the war in Switzerland?

When will you end the senseless slaughter?

Mr. President!

Thank you, L.A.!

Mr. President!

Where are we?

A hotel we probably can't afford.

Shouldn't we be getting "frequent slider miles" by now?

How much time do we have?

A shade under two days.

Plenty of time for a little R&R.

Hey, what's that all about?

Probably one of my doubles finishing up a song.

Yeah, right.

Hey, you never know.

Before you guys hooked up with me

I met a Rembrandt Brown who was an Elvis on his world.

Okay, Remmy.

No kidding. They even had Remmy impersonators.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Well, did I get your vote?

Stay back! Stay back!

What if you found a portal to a parallel universe?

What if you could slide into a thousand different worlds

where it's the same year and you're the same person,

but everything else is different?

And what if you can't find your way home?

Sliders.

Faced with back-to-back identical snacks...

How many people can say they just ran

into the President of the United States?

Please... I just want to forget it happened.

Not much chance of that.

What?

Give me that!

How did they get the paper out so fast?

We've only been here for a few hours.

It's not just the paper...

If you're just joining us,

we're bringing you continuing coverage

of the President's apparent extra-marital affair.

Oh, give me a break!

Our resident psychologist has tentatively diagnosed the President

as having a sexual addiction.

Remmy!

And it has been confirmed that President Williams

had been seeing the young woman...

Not known how long the romance has been going on,

but insiders say...

Our unseasonably hot and steamy weather forecast...

Leave it there.

But first, more on the President's hot and steamy affair!

I think you and the Prez make a pretty cute couple, if you ask me.

I didn't ask you.

What kind of a place is this?

It's like Tabloid World.

Listen to these headlines...

"Baseball hunk strikes out with starlet but loses 30 pounds."

"Image of Virgin Mary appears in slice of marble rye,

"thousands make pilgrimage."

And this is The Herald!

Well, I'd love to see what they print in the rags.

I think I found one.

"Stocks plunge to record lows.

"The Senate tables health-care vote.

"Heavy fighting continues in Switzerland."

This seems to be real news.

What is it?

It's The Hawks Report.

Put out by somebody named Bobby Hawks.

What was that about fighting in Switzerland?

"Recent reports confirm an escalation

"with heavy casualties in the war

"between the United States and the Swiss."

Over what? Cheese?

A Swatch embargo?

Apparently, Switzerland was responsible for a banking scandal

that's led to a worldwide depression.

There's even a rumor about ethnic cleansing

in the French speaking part of the country.

Ethnic cleansing?

Wait. The Swiss have an army?

I thought they just had army knives.

So what's the United States' involvement?

It doesn't say.

This is from last week.

I'd like to see a current issue.

Yeah. Maybe he's got the real story on the President's affair.

The President's apparent extra-marital affair.

The American public seems fascinated

by the President's romantic involvement with the mystery woman.

Ah.

I cannot believe they're making such a big deal out of...

out of nothing!

Jeff, you know there's nothing they won't do

to sell papers or attract viewers.

Well, you're right, as usual, dear,

but this is getting out of hand.

Chuck, I want you to quash this story

before it goes any further.

That may not be our best bet, Mr. President.

As weird as it sounds,

this sex scandal might be a blessing in disguise.

Well, it's a damn good disguise!

What are you talking about?

Well, sir, if you've noticed,

ever since this story broke,

nobody's been paying attention to the situation in Switzerland.

That's true.

So you're suggesting that we...

So long as we keep the people in a feeding frenzy over the scandal,

no one's gonna care what we do in Switzerland.

Play it up instead of down.

Exactly, sir.

I don't know, Chuck...

That way we'd be using the media,

instead of them using us.

For a change.

Hmm. Good point.

Hopefully, this whole thing will just blow over.

I would just love to have a couple of days

in a normal world doing normal stuff.

I can't believe how expensive everything is here.

Can I help you?

Aren't you the President's mystery woman?

Ah. The whole thing was a big mistake.

Uh, yeah, this is a big mistake, all right,

breaking up a happy marriage.

Shame on you!

I am not having an affair with the President!

Can ya autograph my newspaper?

Right under the picture of you and the President.

I'm going back to the hotel.

Sorry.

Hey, want me to walk with you?

Oh, that's okay. You guys go have a good time.

I just need to be alone for a little while.

I'll catch up with you guys later.

Where are you goin'?

Just havin' a look around.

He's a big boy.

Yeah. But he's still new at this.

Oh, let him have a little fun.

Hey, you wanna check out HDTV on this world?

Yeah.

If you don't like what I write, don't read it.

Nobody's forcing you.

But I do like what you write.

You sure you're in the right place?

Do you publish The Hawks Report?

Yeah.

Then I got the right place.

This is a joke, right?

Bernie Shaw send you? Somebody at The Herald?

Nobody sent me. I'm interested in what you do.

Um...

Um...

Please, Mr...

You can call me Mallory.

Call me Bobby.

Okay, Bobby.

Uh, doesn't anybody care about real news?

Well, let's just say they're easily distracted.

And you?

I like hard news.

Right now I'm online with a compatriot in Chicago.

We have a sort of loose network of people around the world

that share information on issues that are just a little more important

than who is sleeping with whom.

And which soap star is really an alien.

Like the war in Switzerland.

Yeah.

Well, what's the story there?

I thought you said you read my stuff.

When I can get a hold of it.

Otherwise I'm stuck with "clown news."

Ha. I understand.

Okay. Well, the Swiss President, Marcel Vache,

affectionately known as the Butcher of Bern,

he started the whole thing by nationalizing Swiss banks,

putting the world into a massive economic crisis.

But how'd the U.S. get involved?

Well, you really are interested.

President Williams, he couldn't get approval from Congress or the U.N.,

so he just went ahead and sent in ground troops, hoping to stabilize things.

I can understand his concern,

but is it really worth it risking all those lives in an undeclared war?

I wish more people felt that way.

I don't see how they could ignore it.

Well, first off, they think that I'm a crackpot who makes this stuff up.

Now, I am a crackpot.

But the news is real. Do you want some?

Uh, no.

Now, second, even if they did believe me,

they would still be more interested in dirty laundry.

Take this affair business.

Now, I got a theory about that.

Which is?

A source in Geneva says that our side is actually losing the war.

And the rumor is we're about to use some kind of illegal weapon.

Well, how does that tie in with the scandal?

Hmm. Well, I think the President's affair is being played up

to keep people distracted from his real problems overseas.

Could be.

You want a piece of inside info?

What's that?

The President's affair is a fake.

There's no relationship with that woman.

How do you know that?

Because I was there when it happened.

I know the woman in question.

Um...

Don't move.

Um, okay, Mallory...

Oh, come on, guys, I'm goin' stir crazy here.

We have a report coming in from Tony Jacobs

on the scene in Pacoima.

White House sources have released the name

of the President's alleged mystery woman.

She is evidently a Maggie Beckett.

And she lives here in the Southland

at the Cajero Mobile Home Park and Campground.

Yes, Ann, I'm here in Pacoima

at the address we were given just moments ago.

Oh, give me a break.

What do you want?

This some kinda contest?

I'm Tony Jacobs of GNN.

Are you Maggie Beckett?

Do I have to buy any magazines?

No, ma'am. The White House has named you

as the woman currently having an affair with President Williams.

The what house?

Martha Lou put that dog down.

I know, honey, but he don't like the hat.

I know, Mom. We're just having fun.

I'm sorry. Now, what's this about the President?

We had some information that you might be the person

having an illicit affair with the President,

but obviously, you're not the right Maggie Beckett.

This is Tony Jacobs in Pacoima

sending it back to you at GNN central.

Wait a minute.

How the hell do you know I'm not seein' him?

Hmm?

It's not like I can't get myself any dates, right?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Hey, come back here.

You want a story? Hey, mister, I'll give you a story.

I said put that damn dog down!

Give me a break.

It's about time!

Good afternoon. We represent the President of the United States.

Okay. We are not having an affair.

We know.

- You know? - Of course.

Mind if we come in?

Sure.

Miss Beckett, you're in a unique position to serve your country.

How do you know my name?

It's what I do.

We realize that this is all an innocent misunderstanding.

Well, why don't you tell that to the press?

I'm afraid we can't just now.

In the meantime, we'd like you to come with us.

The President needs you.

Well, he can need somebody else 'cause I'm just passing through.

Nobody turns down a Presidential request.

Well, I guess then I'm that nobody.

In that case, this is not a request.

Shall we?

Never leave the door unlocked.

You don't know what might come slithering in.

Yeah. Like us.

Maggie?

Maggie?

Any luck?

No. You?

When did you last see her?

Same time you did when she headed back here.

Where'd you go anyway?

I hooked up with this guy, Hawks.

He publishes that paper I found in the room.

I told him this whole affair with the President is a fake.

Well, big deal. Nobody reads him anyway.

So, what do we do now?

Well, we hang tight right here.

Slider's Rule Number 2A.

If you don't know what to do, do nothing,

but do it at the hotel.

We still have plenty of time left.

And she knows when we slide, she'll be back.

Could I buy you a drink?

Remember, you're havin' a great time.

Oh, is that what I'm having?

If you could be just a little more cooperative.

If you could just let me outta here.

You know, this is just as awkward for me as it is for you, Miss Beckett.

Wanna bet?

No, really, posing for these fake photographs,

it's... it's not my idea.

But, well, circumstances...

I really do apologize for putting you through all this.

You were, after all, just an innocent bystander.

Okay.

Perfect. Hold that.

Okay, we need one over on the sofa.

Sir, let's pick up the champagne glasses and...

Great.

Propose a toast.

Well, I'll really be glad when this is over.

Tell me about it.

Perfect.

Okay. We can take a break now

and we'll check out the exposures.

So, this must not be very easy for you, either.

I beg your pardon?

Standing by your man and all.

Well, you're not really having an affair with my husband.

Are you?

Oh, of course not. But everybody thinks that we are,

so it must put you in an awkward position.

That's all I meant.

Yes. Well, uh, I do appreciate your concern.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm...

Smart girl, that Miss Beckett.

Yes. Very perceptive.

We may have to keep an eye on her.

Okay, Mel, do your stuff.

Fine.

People will think this has been goin' on for years.

Ah.

And then the hot tub.

Mmm.

Mmm, looks like he's enjoying himself a little too much.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

As we bring you brand-new exclusive photos

of President Williams and his mistress...

Whoa!

Uh, yes, Karen...

That girl moves fast.

You can see by the footage Just delivered to us that...

That could be a computer generated image, you know.

How do we know it's not for real?

You were the one who told the newspaper guy that it was a fake.

It's a pretty good fake.

Here they are dallying in a hot tub...

Guys!

Something's goin' on here.

She wouldn't voluntarily get involved in something like this.

Okay, so what are we looking at?

Secret Service? FBI? CIA?

I think I know a way we can be sure about that picture.

First off, let's lose those black bars.

- Mallory! - What?

Don't we need to see the whole picture to tell if it's not a fake?

Well, it was worth a shot.

Can we blow up the image?

Sure.

Of course it depends on if it's a rasterized image or not.

I mean, if it's a bit map like a TIFF, then it'll get dotty if we blow it.

Yeah, right, but if it's a JPEG, it depends how lossy it is.

Yep.

I think they're in love.

Oh, we are in luck.

It's rasterized.

What a relief.

We can make this thing into a billboard and never lose res.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. There.

What's that?

It looks like a champagne glass.

Yeah, I see it. A reflection.

Yeah. Keep goin'.

Okay, sure.

Looks like a table.

Yeah, something's on it.

Okay, let's take a look...

Okay, that's as close as I can go without losing resolution.

It's a matchbook.

"A.H."

Somebody's initials?

Yeah, it could be anybody.

No, no, it's the Ambassador Hotel.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I stole some towels from them last year.

I live on the cheap.

Now, so this was taken at the Ambassador.

Right. And your friend must be in on this conspiracy,

otherwise she wouldn't be in the footage.

She wouldn't have any part of any conspiracy.

No. She'd never go along with it.

Is that her in the picture?

Well, whatever's goin' on, we've got to get her, and soon.

You still think she's at the hotel?

And if she is, how do we get around security?

You know, we're talkin' Secret Service here.

Well, I happen to be a card-carrying member of the press,

although most people would like to forget that.

Um...

And they are having a press briefing

before the President's next stop, which is in...

Anybody got the time?

Twenty minutes.

Look, you got any spare credentials?

Yeah. Yeah, uh...

Somewhere... Yes, yes.

Okay, I got photographer's pass,

assistant, that sorta thing.

Can I use this? Yeah, yeah. Take it.

Here, you get to be the assistant.

Okay.

Yeah. I realize noxin gas has been outlawed, General,

but due to our heavy casualties,

the President emphasized how imperative it is

to finish this war as quickly as possible, and with honor.

Well, if noxin is as effective as you say,

we can't afford not to use it.

And what can the U.N. do about it?

Deplore our actions? Register deep concern with the tragic consequences?

I think we can live with that.

And let me worry about public opinion.

I think we can keep a lid on things until after the fact.

Right?

They always serve Burgundy chicken at these fund-raisers.

I hate Burgundy chicken.

And what is the name of that governor?

Hovington.

Oh, uh, I really do appreciate you putting up

with all of this, Miss Beckett.

Well, thanks, but it's not like I had a choice.

I was drafted.

Well, from time to time, we're all called upon

to sacrifice our private lives for the public good.

It's the price of democracy.

No hard feelings?

Well, maybe one or two.

Ah.

I'll send you an autographed picture

or maybe an ashtray from Air Force One.

Yes?

Right away.

Sir, the reporters are waiting for you in the Sagebrush Room.

Press conference.

Thanks again.

Bye.

Well...

Guess there's no reason for me to stick around either.

Actually, something has come up

that will necessitate your continued cooperation.

The President said...

Never mind what the President said.

You're coming with us to the next campaign stop.

Forget it, Chuckles. I'm outta here.

Or not.

Watch it, Brutus.

No window.

Hello. Yes, I'd like an outside line, please.

What do you mean the President's lines are secure?

This is the President's girlfriend.

Hello?

Oh, great.

Relax. Chuck, you're too tense.

Yeah, well, it's a little hard to relax

after the stunt that she just pulled.

She gets out, she could really screw things up.

That girl's a loose cannon.

Well, then I think she's a cannon that needs to be fired.

Yeah.

I'll get Kennedy to take care of that.

Hmm. Good idea.

Oh, by the way, really good work on the nude photos.

- Yeah? Thanks. - You know?

Yeah, I only wish Jeff actually looked that good under his clothes.

Now, you, on the other hand...

Mmm.

I'll just be a minute.

Oh, that's okay. I could use the company.

Oh, my stars, the President's girlfriend.

I saw you on TV.

Uh, no...

Yeah, well, you caught me, guilty as charged.

It must be so exciting. What's he like?

Very romantic, I bet.

I mean, he is the most powerful man in the world and all.

Yeah, um, he's quite a guy.

Excuse me.

Shouldn't you be making your rounds?

I think Shaw and I can handle one girl.

She won't be with us much longer anyway.

DNA results prove beyond doubt

that Thomas Jefferson fathered an illegitimate child by one of his slaves...

A White House source says,

that means our current President

is really no better than one of our founding fathers.

Press briefing, Sagebrush Room.

Cleanup will be here in five minutes.

Meet 'em at the service elevator.

All right, now what?

We just can't barge in on the President.

Shouldn't there be Secret Service?

Maybe they've already gone to their next stop.

No, no, no, they're around here somewhere.

Hurry up. Let's check these rooms.

Hey!

Maggie!

It's not her.

Thank God.

Who is she?

And why is she wearin' Maggie's clothes?

And who killed her?

Let's get the devil outta here

in case they think we did it.

The Washington Memorial.

Oh! Hail to the chief.

No, I... I always wanted to do it in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Oh.

Oh.

Pierson.

What?

You stupid...

They offed the wrong girl.

Where's Beckett?

Oh, I don't care what you have to do to find her,

but you find her and find her fast.

I don't believe this.

What are you doin'?

Goin' back to my room.

I'm beginning to think I didn't pick the right man for this job after all.

Meaning? We'll find her, Sela.

Well, I hope so.

I'm not prepared to let you sink my inept husband

just because you are even more inept.

Obviously, whoever killed that woman thought she was your friend.

Well, if Maggie got away, she'll come here.

Yeah, but what if she didn't?

We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.

You know, maybe they only wanted her for photo ops to begin with,

but somebody or something changed the rules.

You don't think she was making trouble for them, do you?

Our Maggie? No.

Hey, guys!

See, I knew she'd make it.

Hey! Hey! Help!

Hey...

Remmy! Let go of me!

Remmy!

Damn!

Now what?

What's this?

Looks like those little caps that the maids wear.

Why was she dressed like that?

Maybe the Prez gets really turned on by the French maid act.

It's anybody's guess where they've taken her.

Or what they're gonna do with her.

Yeah, well, if that dead girl at the hotel is any indication,

I'd say your friend is in big trouble.

Let's go back to your office.

I got an idea.

Okay. What do ya need?

You got some clear pictures of Maggie stored up, right?

Oh, yeah, man. In fact, I got hundreds of them.

All you gotta do is pick a tape and a frame.

But what's the deal?

The deal is we fight fire with fire.

Meaning what?

Meaning Bobby here is gonna doctor up

some pictures of Maggie and then leak them to the press.

No, he's not.

What do you mean?

Look, if I did that, I'd be just as deceitful as everybody else.

Don't think of it as lowering yourself to their level,

think of it as beating 'em at their own game.

Hey, look, I want to help, okay?

Really. But this goes against everything that I believe in.

You don't believe in helping save a person's life?

You're willing to work to save innocent lives in Switzerland?

Yeah.

What about saving an innocent life right here?

What do you want me to do?

Great!

Okay, first, let's get a good, clean shot of her face.

Let me go!

Ow.

Mr. President, please.

You're a reasonable man. Help me out here.

I'd like to, Maggie, but I'm sorry.

This thing is out of my hands.

How can that be? You're the President.

Can't you see that the best thing for you to do would be

to come clean about this whole setup?

The American public can be very forgiving

if you just tell them the truth.

The truth? That's a new one.

I'm sorry if there were any way around this...

We can't have her running around town,

telling everybody about our little project.

What project?

What else are you tryin' cover up?

Well, Chuck, isn't there anyway we could handle this without, you know...

Jeff!

It is either this little whistle-blowing tramp or you!

That is the menu, honey, pure and simple.

Oh, you knew going into this you were going to have to make compromises.

Well, compromises are one thing, but murder...

The maid.

Lose the girl, Jeff,

or spend the rest of your presidency in disgrace,

possibly impeached.

And I have no intention of remaining married to an impeached President,

I can guarantee you that.

Look, you may be many things,

but I can't believe that you're a murderer. Think about it.

The news shows are gonna have a field day

when they find my body and everybody's gonna think

that you murdered your mistress.

Impeachment nothing. They'll put you in prison.

What makes you think anybody's gonna find the body?

Your taxpayer dollars at work.

Tell Kennedy we have another target for him.

These photos just received by GNN make a shocking twist...

Hold it!

Turn it up.

The dead woman has tentatively been identified as Maggie Beckett,

the President's mistress,

although, at present, officials have only these photos to go by.

Whoa!

Those are obviously phony pictures.

Gee, you think so, Sherlock?

Police say, due to the savagery of the murder,

the killer was someone who had strong feelings about the victim.

In other words, a crime of passion.

The evidence is still coming in,

but I'd have to say things don't look good for the President.

How can they think that I had anything to do with her murder?

I told you.

Jeff, you idiot, she's not dead. Not yet, anyway.

Look, I... I think we have to rethink this situation, Mrs. Williams.

What are you talking about?

Well, if everybody thinks that the President murdered me,

the only way to clear him

is to show the world that I'm alive and well.

As much as I'd like to get rid of Miss Beckett,

I think if we keep her from talking,

we can still stay in the clear.

Show everyone that she's alive, that I haven't killed anyone,

and let them go on believing that the affair is still ongoing?

Exactly. We could possibly use this to our advantage.

Meaning?

We hold a press conference.

We let them pepper you with murder allegations,

then we dramatically present Miss Beckett.

Seeing the two of you, side by side,

will make the affair an even hotter story,

especially if the First Lady is there.

It'll certainly increase my credibility.

And make me look like an even bigger fool for staying with you.

I like it.

Thus far, there's been no official word from the White House,

increasing speculation that the President has, indeed,

brutally murdered his mistress, Maggie Beckett.

Well, so far, they're buying it.

Yeah. Good job on those photos, Bobby.

I just hope I did the right thing.

I'm getting word now that the President

is scheduled to hold a press conference momentarily.

White House sources say he'll address the murder allegations at that time.

We'll go there live as soon as the President arrives.

Bingo!

Guys, we're cuttin' it close.

Let's roll.

President is gonna have to defend himself against the allegations...

I sure hope Maggie's okay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the President of the United States.

Have you hired a criminal attorney yet?

Mr. President! Was it a lovers' quarrel?

What kind of weapon did you use?

Was her death the result of rough sex play?

Are the allegations true?

I'm only going to say this one time.

So listen carefully.

I did not have homicidal relations with that woman,

Maggie Beckett.

Did you have someone else kill her for you?

Did you drive her to take her own life?

Did the First Lady kill her in a jealous rage?

Look what we started!

Yeah, we're getting pretty good at that.

With all due respect, sir, why should we believe you?

Sir! Sir!

Well, now, that's the first valid question I've heard today.

Why should you believe me?

Well, for one thing, I have always been honest with the American people.

And for another,

Maggie Beckett is not dead.

As you can see, she is completely unharmed!

But where did those pictures come from?

Those... Those photos were faked

by some sick prankster in order to embarrass me

and make it appear as though Miss Beckett had been killed.

Unfortunately, you've all been made the victims of a hoax.

What about the other hoax, Mr. President?

Mr. Hawks, our resident conspiracy theorist.

What is it this time? Is it polluted waters of Santa Monica Bay?

Is it illegal contributions from Asians for the campaign?

Uh, greedy HMOs?

Or some other equally ridiculous thing?

No. I'm talking about the war in Switzerland.

I've heard reports that we're about to use an illegal chemical weapon.

Well, I never cease to be amazed by your vivid imagination.

There is no such weapon.

What about the phony affair with Maggie Beckett?

Well, as you can see, Miss Beckett is quite real.

Yes, but our affair isn't and never has been.

And what are you guys gonna do, huh?

You gonna shoot me in front of all these witnesses?

What this man right here is saying is true.

The President has been using me to fool all of you.

And what's even more horrible

is that a young woman who worked right at this very hotel

was murdered because they thought she was me.

An innocent person is dead because of all this

and many more will die in a needless war.

Will you do something?

Like what?

Bobby Hawks is right!

The President is about to unleash a nerve gas that is so horrible,

it has been declared illegal by international law.

Now, please, please.

Now, don't fall for it.

Mr. Hawks is a crackpot. You all know that.

No, listen to him.

Let him speak. Let him take the podium.

Mr. President. Mr. President.

Mr. Hawks.

We all owe a huge debt of gratitude to Maggie Beckett and her friends

for having risked their lives

in order to expose the President's scheme.

Come on up here, guys.

So glad to see you.

Back at you, Maggie.

Hi, guys.

We've got to go.

And now, if you'll excuse us.

We have another engagement.