Original subtitles

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Good evening. I'm Robin Leach.

Sledge Hammer's producers asked me to explain tonight's episode.

Let me be frank. It is an attempt to boost the ratings.

There are many ways to do this - better scripts, more warmth

and big name guest stars, but we're desperate.

So in tonight's episode, we're going to rely on four sure-fire ratings grabbers.

Sex, violence, rock music and, best of all, a cliffhanger ending

that will keep our viewers glued to the edge of their seats until next season,

thus ensuring there will be a next season.

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Thunderbird 1 to base, we just passed checkpoint 3.

All is clear. Over and... What the...

All right, ladies, the party's over. This is a restricted area.

Aw, come on, guys, we're just having fun. Think fast!

Hammer, I must congratulate you on apprehending those bank robbers.

I... I just can't believe that you got them to surrender their weapons

by reading aloud from the collected works of Rod McKuen.

- Great! - Some of them were weeping openly.

The truth is that poetry is more effective than tear gas. Remember that.

- And you didn't even draw your weapon. - I tell you, who needs this silly thing?

Oh, I'm sorry.

- No, no, no! - I'm paying for that.

- Keep your money in your pocket! - Sledge, I'm so proud of you!

You know, it takes a real man to do what you did.

- What a wonderful woman. A woman! - Come here.

I've got something for you.

What a terrible nightmare!

Hey, Hammer, you'd better get away from that door.

- Why? - There's a top-secret meeting

with Trunk and Doreau and some army brass.

Really? Well, I'm sure they're expecting me.

It's really stuck!

This is a matter of national security. I must insist on complete privacy.

General, you can count on it.

What's the big idea? Wait, you planning an invasion without telling me?

- Who is this man? - Reporting for duty, sir.

Inspector Sledge Hammer... and this is my platoon.

General, I promise you there will be no further interruptions!

- Hey, who ordered the hero special? - Me. Thank you.

- Hope there's enough mayonnaise. - I'm sure it's fine.

- Hammer! - I'd just like to say that I really am a fan

of what you guys did in Grenada and I love the TV commercials!

- You damn war... - No, no, Captain, that's quite all right.

I don't know why, but I like him.

He reminds me of myself as a young man.

- Oh, God! - I'll just fill him in on what's happened.

A class D warhead was en route to a secret test site.

- The truck was intercepted by terrorists. - What were they?

A bunch of drug-crazed hippies packing M16s?

- No, a team of women in bikinis. - Oh, really? Ho-ho-ho!

- Hammer, this is serious. - That's right.

- That's why I'm here. - She never wears a bikini.

It's because of my background in terrorist psychology.

This never would've happened if the military hadn't gone soft.

You need to depend on fine soldiers like this man. Where are you from, son?

This is the man who betrayed his country.

He was having an affair with one of the terrorists.

You traitor, you Judas, you Benedict Arnold!

- Hammer! - You see? I can't trust my own men!

So I had to bypass Internal Security and come to you.

There's a bomb out there and I want it back!

This is a Priority 1 Red Alert!

A bunch of women with a lethal warhead.

Just look at the damage they can do with one credit card.

- What colour were her eyes? - Blue.

What is it with this computer always? Why don't you get the sketch artist?

He quit. Makes more money at county fairs.

OK. How about the hair?

- Er... silky blonde with little highlights... - Oh, give it a rest, will you?

I'm telling you, this is not going to work.

That's her!

- What are you waiting for? Print it up. - OK, OK.

- What's taking it so long? - Hold on.

You sold your country down the river for this. Was it worth it?

What do you think?

- What did you say her name was? - Scarlett O'Hara.

- That sounds familiar. - It's obviously an alias.

Oh, right.

- There's no file on this woman. - Inspector?

They're about to tow your car away.

There was a legal parking spot after I knocked the sign down.

- You parked on a suspect. - Well, he was guilty.

A suspect, Hammer.

- Innocent until proven guilty. - Is that new?

Hey...

I think I know this girl.

- Who is she? - I saw her at my aerobics class

at the Jill Taylor's Fitness Center.

- Which one? There are thousands. - The original one downtown.

Doreau, call the FBI and see if you can get a make on that picture.

I'll go to the health club, see if I can find Little Miss Armageddon.

"Jill Taylor's Housewife Fitness Programme",

"Expectant Mothers' Programme", "The Divorced Woman's Programme".

Got anything for me?

"The Blond Fascist Pig Programme."

- I'd like to speak to this Jill Taylor. - She's in there, but you can't go in.

Let me guess. She's doing a workout tape.

That's right! "The Las Vegas Showgirls' Programme."

.. five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four...

- Hold it, hold it. - Take five.

Inspector Sledge Hammer. I wanna ask you a couple of questions.

Sure. Keep up with me and we can talk.

- Is this really necessary? - Yes.

It's essential for your cardiovascular system.

- Do we have to do it right now? - If you suddenly stop exercising,

- your muscles will cramp up. - Oh.

- Ever seen this woman? - She was in my class, but dropped out.

- No commitment. - How many times did she attend?

- 700. - Some people just can't cut it.

- Inspector Hammer, are you all right? - Yeah, I'm fine.

I'm demonstrating a police force breathing technique.

You look like you need my remedial aerobics course.

Listen, lady, I'm a man. I can do anything you can do... except conceive.

Now, let's get physical!

- Do you remember the name of the girl? - Um... Joan. Er... Mickey. Er... Carrie.

I don't know. You'll have to look it up in the files.

Did she ever do anything suspicious?

I saw her eating red meat once.

Inspector Hammer, don't you ever lift weights?

I lift this one every day.

Anything else you can tell me about her?

I have hundreds of clients. I don't have time to keep tabs on every single one.

Do you know where all the criminals you've dealt with are?

Yeah, the cemetery.

Look... you look like you could use a break.

Why don't you get her file?

Anything to help.

Ow, ow... Hi.

- Would you pick that up for me, please? - What happened to you?

Jill Taylor challenged me to a workout.

I got pains in places I didn't even know I had places.

What did you find out? Other than you're in lousy shape?

You'll have more respect when you see what I got on that tank top terrorist.

- What did you get? - I got her address for one.

- 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. - Hammer, that's the White House.

Oh, we can't bust Nancy Reagan.

It's obviously a fake address! The health club must be in on this.

- Jill Taylor's hiding something. - She couldn't hide anything.

- That leotard was so tight, you could... - This time I'll go to the club. Undercover.

I won't come back with a bogus address.

Hammer, get in here immediately!

Ow, ow, ow...

I've just received this cassette.

"We have your warhead.

"Deliver one billion dollars to our Swiss account inside of 12 hours

"or we'll blow your city to kingdom come."

A billion dollars! Phew!

I wonder what that is after taxes.

I knew this would happen. I could see it coming. It was inevitable.

Hammer, you get involved in a case, suddenly it is the end of the world!

Look at the bright side. A city full of crooks is getting the death penalty.

Will you clear the lines, ragweed?

We're in the middle of a crisis! Just get off the phone, maggot!

- Who is it? - Some guy says he's the Governor.

Aaah!

- Yes, Governor? General Mills. - Didn't sound like the Governor.

- Didn't sound like the Governor. - I understand.

- The state won't pay the billion. - That's the kind of government I like.

- They don't give in to blackmail. - They don't have the money.

- What are we gonna do? - Nothing, that's what.

I guarantee you, these terrorettes are bluffing.

- But what if they're not? - It won't matter cos we'll all be dead.

I'll get that!

General Mills.

- For you. - Governor, you wanted to talk to me?

- Hammer... - Oh, hi, Doreau. It's Doreau. Excuse me.

- Yeah, go ahead. - They closed the spa for no reason.

Something's happened. Anything new your end?

Not really. Oh, they're going to blow up the city unless we give them $1 billion.

What? They're gonna blow up the city? Get down here and cover me.

Get here as soon as you can. OK.

Something tells me the fitness centre isn't the safest place to be right now.

Tawney Small reporting live.

Captain, is there any truth to the rumour that terrorists have stolen a warhead

and are threatening to blow up the entire city?

That is an irresponsible lie!

Then what's a general doing here?

- Perhaps you would care to explain. - Yes, yes, yes, I would.

There are no terrorists, there's no warhead.

- In fact, there's nothing to worry about. - So what you're saying...

General, you'd better turn on Channel 6 right now.

'Now here is another statement from the hooded figure. '

'Your puny leaders have not responded to our demands.

'We have jammed your airways to show our power.

'If we do not receive the money in ten hours, you will be destroyed. '

No warhead, huh?

They probably didn't hear that.

They probably heard that.

You girls looking for the powder room?

Now, that was gratuitous.

You throw like a girl!

Here, catch this.

I bet you don't have many boyfriends.

Doreau, I've found you at last. Mission accomplished.

Hammer, I want a new partner.

So we meet again.

If my ex-wife is under that hood, I'm gonna be sick!

Jill Taylor. I don't believe it!

You'll be happy to know that your Governor's capitulated. $1 billion...

$1 billion has been placed in my Swiss bank account.

- I thought they didn't have a billion. - They hit up Iran for a loan.

Why did you do it? So you could finance an Amazon army to take over America

and make us watch soap operas and tie up the phones?

- No, I wanted the money. - Well, now will you call off the threat?

No, I'm gonna ask for more money. I've got a good thing going.

Just like a woman - always changing her mind.

Enough of this chauvinist drivel. I have a broadcast to make.

I gotta go, too. Thanks for steaming the wrinkles out of my jacket.

Not so fast. You've had your exercise, now it's time for your dip in the hot tub.

I also want gold bullion, my own 747,

and a new episode of "Moonlighting" every week.

Oh, Hammer, I guess this is the end of a good team.

Yeah, I'm really gonna miss my gun... and you, too, Doreau.

Oh, and, Dori,

I'm one tough cop, right?

Yeah, Sledge, yeah.

Freeze!

Shut that damn thing off!

From this day forward, all grotesque men will be under my shapely thumb.

Across the country, in bars, ballparks, bowling alleys,

every day will be Ladies' Day.

- Furthermore... - Hold it!

- Your show's been cancelled. - Talking to me?

Jill Taylor is a power-mad thief, extortionist and a threat to democracy.

Not only that, her health club stinks on ice!

Fool! You think you're safe?

I pointlessly set that bomb to detonate in five minutes.

- My God, tell us where it is! - Never.

Would you be willing to rephrase that?

Who even knows if it's here?

Turn off the dang hot tub! I can't think with all this noise!

I've found it! There it is right there!

Boy, this is shaping up to be a really bad day.

Hammer, you can't defuse that bomb!

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Hammer!

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