Original subtitles

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

17, 18, 19, 20...

What?

Whoa!

You ruined my plane! You weirdo!

- You were violating my airspace. - We're trying to have fun.

Grow up. Girls should be stewardesses, not pilots.

Good evening.

57, 58...

Oh, well. What's the difference?

- One, two, three, four, five, six... - Watch it!

Hey!

Stupid jogger! Out of my way!

Watch it, slimebucket.

Sorry. Is my fault, officer.

Please, be my guest.

Nyet! Our orders are to take him alive.

We will get him later.

Commie, you lose the arms race and the foot race.

Please slow down!

This is typical! You Russkies always have to cheat to win.

- No. Please, you have to help me! - Communists are beyond help!

Those men, they are trying to kill me!

- Good for them! - God bless America!

- Now you're hitting below the belt. - Oh, no. No, please. Please.

- This better not be a trick. - Is no trick.

Come on.

OK. Thank you.

The embassy says this is Professor Vronsky.

Da! That's who I am.

If he's a professor, how come his English isn't better?

- Professor, do you know these men? - I am sure they were the KGB.

I escaped from Soviet Union three months ago.

But I am not nuclear scientist, I am humble agronomist.

You must be valuable. They want to get you back.

Have you got unpaid bills? Charge too much on Russian Express?

- Captain, we should call the CIA. - No. No.

The CIA could have the spies from the KGB.

You can't trust 'em - CIA, KGB, IRS.

No, no. The only one I trust is Y-O-U.

The Professor is flying to Springfield for a top-level government conference.

That's two changes of planes. Airports could mean trouble, sir.

- She's right. They lose your luggage. - I must get to Springfield safely.

Captain, we can get the professor to Springfield without using a plane.

We'll use transportation that no one uses any more.

We'll take a stagecoach. I'll ride shotgun.

- No, Hammer. I mean the train. - Excellent idea, Doreau.

Cooped up in a caboose with a crummy commie!

'The Stargazer to Phoenix, Denver and Springfield

'now leaving on track four. '

OK. You're safe now. Absolutely no one knows you're here.

- Professor Vronsky! - Get 'em up!

No! Inspector Hammer, this is Dr Johanssen.

From the university. She is speaking at the conference.

- I'm from Oklahoma. - Why are you on this train?

I'm afraid of flying.

I'm not afraid of anything... except world peace.

Sara, where are you sitting?

I had a berth three cars down but, apparently, the train is overbooked.

- I wish we could give berth to you... - I have room. Share with me.

Oh, thank you. You're very kind.

- This way, please. - I'll see you, Professor.

I knew the railroad needed passengers, but this is ridiculous.

- I hate to think I'm sharing with a cow. - I vowed I'd never do it again.

- What do you mean, again? - I told you I was married.

I'm sorry about this, but they loaded this cattle car on by mistake.

- It was supposed to be eastbound. - At least we'll have fresh milk.

Easy, big fella.

Here we are.

Hi.

- Put some clothes on. - Why should I?

Let me get back to you on that.

This is your compartment, sir.

Ladies, please.

Have a nice trip.

- What's wrong? - I have claustrophobia.

I have spent ten years in cramped little room like this.

- You were in prison? - No. Luxury condo in Moscow.

Oh, I must get some air.

No! No way. If I let you out there, you might get kidnapped.

You want your picture on a carton of borscht?

No, no. You're right.

I must stay in compartment.

But there are only two things that relax me.

- One is chess. - What's the other one?

Sex.

You will enjoy chess. It's good for nerves.

When I became a cop, I had my nerves removed.

Oh, look at those lines.

That is one well put-together piece of machinery.

- Rimsky. - Korsakov.

Come in, Comrade Parkovitch.

Since you botched the kidnapping, I've been sent to oversee you.

I will make sure Professor does not reach Springfield.

We will have him off the train by the time we get to Phoenix.

I hope so, for your sake. Meanwhile, put these on.

With these decadent bourgeois jackets, you can move around

without arousing suspicion.

Practise being American waiters.

How many in your party?

30 million in Communist Party.

Comrade, are we not all equal under communism?

You're right. Forgive me.

Two men sitting across a chess board.

We are not so different from each other.

You forget, pal, I was born in the USA.

Crown me.

I am still not quite used to your American customs.

Like freedom of speech and the right to bear arms? Things you don't have.

Russian people are victims of their leaders.

- Just like you Americans. - Shut up.

Don't confuse me. Hey, let's play a game I like, huh?

- Target practice. - What is that?

It's a target. What, you never saw a target before?

Oh. In Russia we practise by shooting the dissidents.

Well, here we call 'em liberals.

If you don't mind, Inspector, I'm too nervous to play.

Fine. OK. All right.

Red square.

It's stuffy. I must get some air.

You're right. It is stuffy in here.

I'm gonna go out and check and see if it's safe for you to get some air.

From the limo!

This is gonna be easy.

Hey.

No! Who are you?

Hammer. Sledge Hammer.

This is the last car, Scumsky. I'm sending you back to Russia.

Then after a long vacation in Siberia,

you'll return to peasant life, settle down with your 300-pound fiancee

and go back to your job in the cement factory.

- No! - Are you afraid of a little work?

Lazy commie!

So much for glasnost.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

The tracks are messy, but the coast is clear... Vronsky...

Vronsky?

Oh, God!

- What are you doing? - I lost my ticket.

- Where did you see it last? - In the professor's pocket.

- You didn't lose the professor? - Do you know where he is?

- No. - OK.

I saved him last time, now it's your turn.

Sorry, Professor. That was reflex.

I had to get some fresh air.

From now on, no one takes their eyes off the professor.

Don't worry, Doreau. I've got him.

Ah! Ooh!

- Keep this up, I'll put you in a choke hold. - My place at eight?

- The professor's gone. - You're right.

We have to wait till the next tunnel to get him back.

Excuse me.

- Weren't you next door? - No.

We're going to a twins' convention.

What's next, the Twilight Zone?

Funny place for stop sign.

Someone must be trying to get the professor off the train.

This is getting exciting, isn't it?

- What are you doing? - Nothing. I just...

Tell the conductor to get going. I'll find the professor.

Get back!

Come in.

Oh!

As I thought. "Calvin Khruschev".

Hey. This is no time to floss.

- Hammer. - They are desperate men.

They want to drag me back to Russia.

Well, misery loves company.

I was beginning to worry. Care to join me for dinner?

- Da. - Not me.

I'm gonna catch that commie and make him play Russian roulette the hard way,

with a bullet in every chamber.

Hammer? Don't you think our first priority is the professor?

All right. I'll eat. I hate to kill on an empty stomach.

But this time I'm taking no chances.

Inspector Hammer, is this really necessary?

Let's go.

Wait. This is... No, here.

You've... No, you're... Come on...

Don't worry. I got the key.

- Ah! - Sorry.

Oh!

It's gotta be here somewhere.

Hammer.

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Why don't we go eat?

Well...

All right. We'll look for it later.

But I'm gonna stick closer to you than a wet T-shirt.

Oh, thank you, Inspector Hammer.

What is this? From Russia With Love?

Professor, I don't understand why the Russians want you back so badly.

You didn't invent anything that could destroy America.

There's no need. Hammer could destroy America all by himself.

I have been thinking.

It could be secret project that I'm working on

called Operation Squash.

Operation Squash? Sounds disgusting.

- They'd make us all eat squash? - No, Inspector.

Operation Squash is a plan to remove all the nitrogen from your soil.

America's farm industry would collapse.

It's collapsing with nitrogen.

If Operation Squash succeeds,

Russia will control the entire world's food supply.

I've had my supply. I'm stuffed.

Take it easy, will you? Look at this.

There are people starving in Siberia and you're playing with your food. Come on.

Wait. Wait.

Logic must prevail.

Let me think.

It is...

It is impossible.

- Night, Sara. - Goodnight. Thanks again.

Da. Is good. Goodnight.

Maybe we...

- Excuse me a moment. - Slowly, Professor.

You two are animals!

Whoa!

Capitalist fool!

You are like everything made in the USA - cheap, shoddy, worthless!

OK, lady. That tears it.

Insult me, but don't insult the American worker!

All right. Stand up.

- Why? You'll shoot me and I'll fall down. - Ha!

Whoa... Ooh!

All right, Hammer. This is where you get off.

Hammer?

What is going on?

Hammer!

- Hammer. - God!

What is going on?

I have a feeling that woman isn't from Oklahoma.

OK, Doreau. Cover this exit.

Aah!

No, you...!

Hammer! You just hit an unarmed woman.

That's what you think.

A man! How did you know?

I realised we both used the same aftershave lotion.

See? That is a good colour on you. Makes your fingers look much longer.

They'll stop at nothing. They'll do anything.

Incredible. A top agent dressed as a woman. Clever rascals.

It's gonna be a hot day in Siberia before you get outta jail, pal...

Or girlie or what do I call him?

- He's not going to jail. - What do you mean?

The Russians want him back. They're arranging a swap.

- What do we get? Ballet dancers? - No. One of our journalists.

Great! As if we don't have enough of them.

- You must be some kind of big shot. - Yes.

My country spent a fortune on me.

Hormone injections, electrolysis and wardrobe.

- So you could be a KGB assassin? - No.

No. They spent it so I could enter Miss Iron Curtain contest.

They may have a winner. You don't know.

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