Original subtitles

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Pull.

- Talk to me. - Hammer! How ya doing?

It's me, Kurt Kruggle. I just got back.

Why didn't you reverse the charges, scumsucker?

I got some information about that cat burglar,

the one doing those jewel robberies.

Listen. Forget it, OK? It's a sissy case.

Yeah? He's suspected of shooting a cop.

A cat burglar who shot a cop?

Now I'm mildly enraged.

I've got important information

and for some serious money I'll share it with you.

- Just give me the information. - Not here.

How ya doing? Get outta here!

Er, I'll tell you what.

Meet me at the... Bowl-A-Rama. Yeah, Bowl-A-Rama.

- Where's Kruggle? - He likes to keep a low profile.

Ever since he was romantically linked with Joan Rivers.

Psst!

That must be the instructions.

- Ow! Ooh! - Ow! That must hurt.

Fine sense of deduction. Of course it hurts. Wow. What does it say?

I'm gonna lose that nail.

"Don't lean on the ball return."

"Put money in a hole of this bowling ball, then roll it down the gutter.

"I'll send back with information hidden in the hole."

Whoo!

No...

No. In the gutter! In the gutter! Hammer!

- What are you doing? - What?

- You were supposed to throw a gutter ball. - Not in front of other men.

My thumb's stuck. I can't...

Kruggle, you pinhead!

Hey, Inspector Hammer. I used to have a bowling ball just like that.

But that's for girls.

- How did you get stuck? - Don't you have dishes to do?

- Come on, Norman. Get this off me. - I'll just cut off your thumb.

There's important information in there. Get it off.

I'll be right back.

I'm sorry these robberies have caused you embarrassment, Commissioner.

I wouldn't care so much, but three of the victims are friends of my wife

and she's making my life miserable.

Captain Trunk, I want results now.

Commissioner, this is Inspector Hammer.

He's working on the case.

Another of our officers got very close, but the cat burglar shot him.

I promise you we will do better next time.

Hammer, what do you have behind your back?

What? Oh, the bowling ball. Well... There's a very simple explanation.

He's found a new way to harm others.

Actually, it happened during the investigation of the burglary.

This is the man put on the case?

Good. I expect significant results.

Sir?

I'm gonna find the guy...

and I'm gonna hurt him.

Sledge, this lubricant ought to do the trick.

- Butter? - No. It's margarine.

- It's higher in polyunsaturated fat. - You learn this in embalming school?

- Oh! Oh! - Doreau, quit fooling around.

Oww. Phew!

- Sorry. - The message.

"The cat burglar's a famous man from England

"imported to rip off the wealthy people."

Ho?

Scotland Yard? Inspector Hammer from one of the countries you lost.

I need some information.

Absolutely. I need the identity of a cat burglar who's working the West Coast.

'Enry 'III. Armed. Dangerous. Carries a shooter.

OK. Thank you. Absolutely. And nice talking to you.

AII I could get out of him was "Enry III", whatever that is.

He obviously had a cockney accent. He meant "Henry Hill".

- Very impressive linguistic skills. - Danke schon.

Ne dada.

The friends of Commissioner Holbestam's wife are here.

- Who had jewellery stolen. - They're very upset.

Don't worry. I'll take care of it. I'll have a sensitive talk with the broads.

This is Inspector Hammer and Detective Doreau.

Hammer, look at their hairdos.

They're not hairdos, they're housing projects.

Ladies, I heard about your missing jewellery and I just wanna say...

- Tough cookies! - Hammer!

People are starving around the world

and you're in here whining about missing baubles.

- What? - They came here to be consoled.

My thumb is killing me. You don't hear me complain.

Get out of here before I arrest you for conspicuous consumption.

Excuse me. It sounds inappropriate, but where do you get your hair done?

Oh. Well, at the Duke of Curl. It's a unisex shop.

- Ask for Sir Guy. I recommend him. - Thank you.

You don't want to look like that.

Your head isn't big enough to support that kind of weight.

I've checked these robberies.

All of them took place while they were getting their hair done.

So while they were permed they were also clipped.

Someone must have been casing their places.

Yeah.

It's me - Pinhead.

Kruggle.

'I got more information on that cat burglar. '

This time I want you to meet me at an archery contest.

Listen, you weasel. I don't want any more of your dumb, elaborate ideas.

I want something simple and cheap.

Like the $25 bus stop idea, OK?

- Yeah. Only it's gonna cost you $50. - What? Why?

I had to raise it. The new tax law cut my deductions in half.

Hammer?

Ow! My thumb!

You pervert!

- Help! Get away from me. - I'm the one who needs the help.

- Help! - Ma'am, I'm a police officer.

You don't have to stay. I'll apprehend him.

- Huh... - What?

- There's a gun sale at the mall. - The message!

"Cat burglar's next victim is a Felicia Waterhouse.

- "Tomorrow, 2pm." - Perfect. We'll nail him then.

We'd better. I'm getting tired of this child's play.

I want to get back to fun and games like... dealing with death.

Right. That's 10-4.

Mrs Waterhouse's car's at the beauty parlour.

Well, what do you know?

Let's go.

Ow! Freeze!

Police!

Halt!

Mm-mm!

Oh!

Yow!

Oh, my God.

Hammer, he's trying to say something.

D'you think that I'll make it to heaven?

- No way in the world. - Hammer!

He must be kidding. It's...

.. 'Enry 'III.

He says the description fits 'III... I mean Hill.

- Sure? - Described him perfectly.

Except for the tyre tracks.

Find out if Hill worked alone.

Er... Did Hill... 'lll ever work alone?

That's a laugh. Work alone?

No, no. He never worked alone.

Never worked alone.

Why can't the English learn to speak? Like us Am-uricans.

- Got an idea. - Now you're thinking like a man.

Get your hair done.

You disappoint me, Doreau. I'm an nihilist, not a stylist.

All the women were at Sir Guy's salon while they were being robbed.

- What does that tell you? - That they still look homely?

- No. - What?

Sir Guy had something to do with the robberies. Why don't you go there?

Why don't you go? Your roots could use a little touching up.

Maybe I will go.

Go ahead. Do my hair.

The problem is that your hair has no concept.

What do you mean, no concept?

It doesn't really fit the shape of your head.

So... How did you come to find me?

Oh... By car.

Yes. Well, did someone refer you?

Only a bloody bloke named 'III.

'III?

- 'Enry 'III. - 'Enry 'III.

Renee, darling, you look lovely. Beautiful.

- Most unfortunate about Henry. - We'll have to carry on without him.

- Carry on? - His vocation and mine.

- We're the same. - Really?

Really.

Yes. The jewel trade can be most lucrative.

It ain't exactly crumpets.

You might leave your home address with me.

- Oh, I might, might I? - Yes.

I'd like to put you on my mailing list so I can send you some astringent.

- How generous. - Anything for a fellow countryman.

Right, right. God save the King.

- Queen. - Don't confuse me.

If I catch him, he's gonna be Sir Dead Guy!

Thatcher. I was in the neighbourhood. Thought I'd visit.

Do you like your concept?

The only concept I hate worse is gun control.

Mm. Perhaps I've over-moussed you.

All right.

'Enry worked with me and someone else who shall remain nameless.

Must be tough going through your life without a name.

- We'd like you to work for us. - Really?

To break into the home of a customer while she's at my shop.

Oh, sort of a rinse and rob job, eh? Who might that customer be?

A Mrs Morgan Holbestam. The wife of the police commissioner.

Let me think about it. I'll ring in the morning.

Very good.

- Cheerio. - Rice Krispie.

- It's a very simple plan, sir. - If you thought of it, it's got to be.

Well, let's hear it.

You give us your jewels, let your wife keep her appointment

and Hammer will say he stole them.

But before I give them to Guy

I'm gonna say I want to meet the brains of the operation.

Let's do it and crack this case.

- All right. - Good work, Doreau.

Hammer. Bad haircut.

Very bad.

Sir Guy? Thatcher here.

I've decided I'd like to do some second-storey work.

Have you done this before?

I usually break through the door, but that's another story.

- I insist that I accompany you. - 'No. '

No, actually. That won't be necessary.

- I work without a net, so... - 'Very good. '

But, you see, I like to break in men.

Be at the Holbestam mansion at half past.

All right. Half past.

Half past what?

Inspector Hammer, these are the Holbestam jewels.

Yeah. Well, we ran into a little snag.

Sir Guy wants to see me in action. He would.

You've never broken into a house before.

Before I shot a man I'd never shot a man. What does it prove?

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Better back you up.

'Tis I, Sir Guy.

'Mrs Holbestam has arrived. '

Tell her I'm tied up in traffic and to wait.

Wha-oh!

I'm OK.

This is a nightmare.

Aah!

Better not walk barefoot in here.

Easy now. Easy.

Easy. We're gonna get along just great.

Easy now.

OK. Thatta boy.

Thatta boy.

Hammer. Surprised to see me?

Why should I be? You live here.

That's not what I mean.

That you're behind this? A dimwit could figure it out.

- Then how did you? - Easy.

A commissioner can't afford a mansion and jewels unless he's on the take

or finds a lot of change in his couch.

Too bad you won't be alive to tell anyone.

On my command, my dog will rip you to shreds.

You see... it's all been well thought out. Including sucking you in, sucker.

- Freeze! - Tear him up!

- My dog. - Oh, your dog is all right.

But not for long.

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