Original subtitles

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Take my little friend away. I am done with him.

Gracias.

Get a pencil and write this down, Gomez.

- Ah, si. - Seek out someone you can trust.

- Maybe best a woman. - Ah! Ha, ha!

She must make sure that he drinks this poison

and then I will have my revenge on him.

He will die... unless he comes back to me,

begging and pleading for the antidote.

Do you have any questions, Gomez?

Er... do you have a pencil?

- Doreau, I just made your night. - Yeah?

Two tickets to the gun show.

I'll pick you up at eight. We don't wanna miss the free shrapnel.

It's really very nice. I can't go, though. I have two tickets to the opera.

Aw!

You wouldn't be interested in anything not in English.

That's not true. I love Stallone movies.

Maybe the captain will buy the other ticket.

Commissioner, we have a breakthrough in the West Side Strangler case, sir.

After eight years of intensive investigation,

we finally have incriminating evidence that Wilson is the Strangler.

We have a full set of his fingerprints on a doughnut, sir.

That's right, sir! Believe it or not, on a doughnut! Yes, sir.

- Captain... - Just a minute, Hammer.

Well, thank you, sir.

Well, I think Rappaport and McClusky deserve the credit.

The man is done in by leaving his prints on a cheap powdered doughnut!

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Right, sir.

- What is it, Hammer? - It's nothing.

- Don't shoot! Take anything you want! - This is my apartment.

- You're breaking and entering. - The door was open.

- Then you're entering. - My car broke down.

- I-I needed to use the phone. - You're Iying.

There's a payphone in the lobby.

It's broken. I just need to make a quick call.

Now I know you're Iying. I've never heard a woman make a quick call.

I just want to call my mom and tell her everything's all right.

OK.

- There's one thing you could do for me. - Anything you want.

Leave 20 cents. Pronto.

Just making sure it's a local call.

Hello, Ma. Yeah. Er... look, I had a little car trouble.

But a very nice man let me use his phone.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll be home as soon as I can. Bye.

- You want a doughnut, help yourself. - Thanks.

Get a car phone. Now, scram.

Hammer.

Are you all right?

- Get Dr Warneke. - Yes.

- You look awful. - Yeah.

- I think I came down with something. - What?

Poison.

Hammer... I have the lab report.

What is it, Doc? I can take it.

There's no euphemistic way for me to say what I have to say. I'm sorry...

.. but you're going to die.

- You sure? - Yes.

You've ingested the venom from an exotic species of cobra.

It's usually fatal within five days.

- Isn't there an antidote? - Yes.

There's a group of Trappist monks in a monastery in the Andes mountains

who've developed a serum used as the antidote.

- Well, call them! - They've taken a vow of silence.

You've got five days. Isn't that enough time?

Sure, but you've been unconscious for four-and-a-half days.

- So I've got 12 hours left. - No, 11 hours.

- Daylight Savings Time started. - All right, 11, Doctor.

But you've been sleeping on the couch for two and a half hours

so that means you have eight and a half hours left.

No, you have eight and a half hours left to find that antidote.

I hope you don't take this personally.

- Shouldn't we get a second opinion? - Mine is the ninth.

- Eight of us agree. - Let's talk to the other guy.

OK, but he thinks you should be dead already.

Listen, you quack, you don't know me! I don't take this kinda stuff Iying down!

- This is very common. - Very common.

This is characteristic of the poisoning. He should be OK for the next...

.. eight hours and 25 minutes.

I hear Hammer swallowed some poison. He's gonna be dead in seven hours.

Hey, Inspector Hammer, you know that 50 bucks I owe you?

You'll get it on Monday.

Hammer, we've wasted an hour already.

If we list everyone who's threatened you, we'll be here all night.

I'll be dead in the morning!

Oh... I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean it.

We have over 60 pages of threats here and we're only up to the Fs.

Let's go back to the turtle on the hand.

Every time we get stuck, you go back to the turtle.

I know, but it's got to mean something. Are you sure it was a turtle?

- Maybe you were hallucinating. - I'm telling you, it was a turtle!

I've hallucinated a lot in my time. I've seen buzzards.

I've seen piranhas, tarantulas.

But I'm telling you, I have never seen... a turtle!

- Where did you get that turtle? - We all wear them.

- What we? Who? What? - I'm a hyphenate.

Cop and a mud wrestler. I'm one of The Turtles. We're a tag team.

Wait, is one of your members 5' 6", 120 pounds, very long blonde hair?

- That sounds like Cindy. - How do we find Cindy? Quit stalling!

- Roger's Bar & Grill. - That's two minutes away.

Great short cut, Doreau.

There she is.

All right, everybody freeze!

I'm a police officer!

They'll bury me under the mud soon!

- All right, you're mine! - And you're down!

- Hammer, is that her? - I don't know if that's her... You!

Don't try that again! You're going to come with me!

We don't have all day.

All right, why did you poison me, mud pack?

I didn't. Your friend said those were knockout drops.

- You're Iying! I don't have any friends. - It's the truth.

The guy gave me $100 and a passkey and told me to go to apartment 13...

Wait a minute! Apartment 13? I live in apartment 12.

- Hammer, the poison wasn't for you! - Oh, great!

When I die, my neighbour's life will flash before my eyes!

How could you make such a stupid mistake?

- Hey, don't yell at me!

- Yell at Dr Dejohn. - Who's Dr Dejohn?

The one that made me wear these stupid contact lenses!

I am going back to glasses.

- Will you slow down? - Look, I gotta get to my apartment.

What do they have against my neighbour? What do they want?

Why are they trying to kill my neighbour?

- Who is my neighbour? - You gotta stop this! This is killing you!

I did it again!

Just come back to my place. I'll cook you a fantastic meal.

Don't you mean last supper?

Look, Hammer, I'm sorry.

Let's just spend some time together, just... enjoying each other.

No, Doreau, I'm on duty.

I'm always on duty.

I'm a cop. A cop with a perfect record.

I'm gonna find out who poisoned me and I got about five hours to do it in.

Four. I'm sorry, your watch is broken.

Ohh, typical! It had a lifetime guarantee, too!

All right... poison.

Why would they use poison? Who kills with poison?

Kings. Kings and women.

What king would want to poison my neighbour?

'The girl we hired gave the poison to the wrong man. '

- We hired, Gomez? - All right, me.

The girl my brother-in-law recommended

gave the poison to the next-door neighbour.

Well, at least she was close!

I promise no more referrals, huh?

Full resumes and, from now on,

the interviews will be conducted in person by me.

Gomez, you failed.

Alejandro, my double-crossing lover, still lives!

Ahh, not exactly. I had something done to him.

- You didn't kill my lover? - I, er...

- Did you kill my lover? - I, er...

- Did you or did you not kill my lover? - Depends on what you mean by kill!

I hope for your sake that you at least have-a the statue!

- Um... maybe. - What does "maybe" mean?

I can live without Alejandro, I cannot live without the statue!

I can get it for you! Absolutely positively.

You will!

I will try.

It's addressed to me. I can't believe it!

He gets my mail, I get his poison!

Hammer, there are bullet holes in the walls.

Oh, those are from me. He would never turn down his stereo!

- He's been shot! - I didn't do it!

Still breathing. I'll call an ambulance. Where's the phone? Other room!

Another dead end.

Well, I'm not giving up. I'm gonna solve this case if it's the last thing I do!

Hey, now you got me doing it!

Sledge, am I glad to see you! I've been trying to reach you all day!

Oh, no! Is that Alejandro?

- I don't know. Who's Alejandro? - Next to you, my favourite tenant.

- Are you OK? You look awful. - I'm fine. Forget it.

- Listen, what do you know about him? - No more than any landlord would know.

He's in the import-export business, he's weird-cute and a good dancer.

They're on their way.

You said you were trying to get hold of me. Why?

A man broke into my apartment and stole my passkey.

- A passkey for all the apartments? - Yes.

- Do you think you could identify him? - Well, maybe. I don't know.

- He was wearing a silk stocking. - Where?

- On his face. - Oh... well...

Miss Hotchkiss, I need you to come downtown and look at some mug shots.

- OK. - I'll take over from here, Hammer.

Thanks, Doreau.

He said thank you.

He meant it.

Doc, is there any progress?

- No. - Thank you, Doc.

I'm fine. No, no, I'm fine. Thanks.

Now, here's what I want you to do, Miss Hotchkiss.

Go through these mug books.

Now, when you find the man who stole your passkey, I am in business,

so go one by one.

Please, folks, just stand back.

- That wouldn't be Mr Ramirez, would it? - Yes, yes, it was.

Oh, too bad. I've got this package for him.

Give that to me. I'm a police officer. That may be evidence.

Keep going. Just a couple of books left.

- OK. - Good. Thank you.

Take it easy, Hammer. We're gonna make it.

- We'll pull through this thing together. - You will. You got the easy part.

You know, Captain, I never thought I'd go out like this.

I thought I'd live to see a nuclear war.

Hammer, you've got 46 minutes left. That could still happen.

- Thank you, Captain. - I'm gonna talk to Dr Warneke.

- Sledge, I'm sorry, I just can't tell... - It's all right, I understand.

The thief was wearing a stocking over his face and I...

Miss Hotchkiss... I want your pantyhose!

- What? - Official business.

- Take off your stockings. - Well, if it's an official request.

- Are you sure this is gonna help? - Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Now, put that over the mug shot!

Oh, what a good idea! This'll help a lot.

- It could be him! - Great!

- Or it could be him. - Hammer!

- Or him. - Look what I've got!

You shouldn't have. I won't be able to send a thank-you note.

No! This came to Alejandro's apartment.

He mailed it to himself. Could be what they were looking for.

- That might be worth a lot of money. - Oh, Doreau, this thing sells for $1.99.

- How do you know that? - I give 'em away at Christmas.

Hammer, it was heavily insured.

Look, I'm telling you, this is worth nothing, nothing!

- Hammer! - But look what's inside.

The Feldheimer Stone. We got a bulletin from Interpol. It's worth a million.

Sledge, I've found him!

- You sure? - Uh-huh.

- That's him. - Ernesto Gomez.

- What have you got on Ernesto Gomez? - 41 minutes to spare.

Ernesto Gomez. Merchant marine, itinerant seaman.

Over four years in the US navy.

This is a kind of long shot, but I think we should head for the waterfront.

Watch it!

- Hey, what the... - So we finally meet, Gomez.

You got 15 seconds to tell me all you know.

- Give me the jewel, I tell you anything! - I'll give you this!

- Hammer! - It was not my idea!

It was my boss Juanita. Her lover Alejandro stole the Feldheimer Stone.

He sealed it in a statue. To get it back, she tried to poison him.

She got the wrong man, but I don't have to tell you that.

- A woman in charge, see what happens. - Exactly.

- How do we find this Juanita? - We sailed in on a cheap tramp steamer.

SS Mina. She's in the stern.

All right, book him.

- Hi, sailor. - Who are you? How did you get in here?

I can't find my way out. May you can help me and we'll get a drink later.

Sorry, sea urchin, I can't let this relationship go any farther.

You cuff him, Doreau, and keep it quiet.

One more move and you're dead!

So what? Five minutes ahead of schedule.

Look, I'll make you a deal.

You give me the antidote, I'll give you the Feldheimer Stone.

Hurry up! I got five minutes!

The joke is on you! I gave you an ordinary rock!

And I just gave you some more poison!

You are completely untrustworthy and it's a pity

because we would have made a fine couple!

If I'm going... I'm taking you with me!

Hey, aim for me, maybe you'll hit the snake!

You've had this coming for a long time!

Hammer!

Hammer, I have the antidote.

The Doc came through and not a moment too soon.

Captain... how can I ever thank you?

Don't drink it.

Commissioner, Rappaport and McClusky have done it again.

The Strangler has left his fingerprints on another powdered doughnut.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. I'll give them your congratulations.

Captain?

Captain?

All right! My favourite!

Mmm! Mmm!

Hammer, I was just looking for you...

What?

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