Original subtitles

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

'It's time once again for The Million Dollar Question

'with your host Bob Kenney and returning contestant Mel Jordan.

- 'Mel, how are you doing?' - 'OK, Bob. '

- 'Relaxed? - 'Kinda, yeah. '

'Good for you. You've done wonderfully well. 13 questions in a row.

'But now, this is what we call the moment of truth. '

Well, Bob, what geeks do you have for us today?

'These are the keys, this is the question for that brand-new automobile. Are you ready?'

- 'I sure am, Bob. ' - 'Good. Listen carefully.

'What city houses the National Football League Hall of Fame?

'For the keys to that brand-new car, what is your answer?'

- Pack it up, pal. You don't have a chance. - 'Kenton, Ohio. '

'The home of the National Football League Hall of Fame is located in...

- 'Kenton, Ohio!' - 'Yeah!'

'You've got yourself a brand-new car! All right!

'Mel Jordan. Here are the keys. Tomorrow on live TV,

'you'll be going for the grand prize on The Million Dollar Question!

'See you then. Have a good day now. '

The only game show on TV I like is Divorce Court cos they give away the best prize.

- Did you see The Million Dollar Question? - No, I didn't, Grace.

I swear, I never miss it. Anyhow, some guy is finally going for a million dollars.

- Oh, yeah? - Nobody has ever gotten to that level.

What? Are you two yapping about game shows? I got a good one for ya.

It's called Let's Get Back To Work. This is reality, this is not TV.

Boy, the women get together, the mouths open and everybody's talking.

Comparing your favourite brands of soap and your water weight gain.

This isn't a beauty parlour. It's a precinct.

OK. Forget it.

Whoa. I was just trying to be sociable.

Hammer, men and women watch game shows. It's a popular form of entertainment.

Oh, listen. Last week, I made an arson suspect walk across hot coals.

That's entertainment. Game shows are for people that are low on brain cells.

That's not true. Have you ever played Trivial Pursuit? That takes brains.

Doreau, I am in pursuit of one thing, and that is justice. And that takes bullets.

There's been an automobile accident. I want you and Doreau to investigate.

An automobile accident? Call the auto club.

An unlicensed vehicle went off the pier into the West River, Hammer.

Well, then, call the auto club and Flipper.

There is a dead body in the vehicle, Hammer.

Why do you always save the best for last? Let's go, Doreau.

No. Not until you drop the subject of game shows.

All right. Let's make a deal.

Hey, come on. Hoist that car up.

Ah, Inspector Hammer.

I'm sorry to get you out here. Turns out to be another guy drinking and driving.

- Are you sure he was drinking? - He was underwater. Of course he was.

Inspector, it took a diver five minutes to pry this out of his hand.

- Too bad. Got a wife. - Ooh. Well, that explains the drinking.

Majoy, over here.

Hey, I've seen that car before.

That's the car that that guy won on the game show this morning.

- Hammer, you're such a hypocrite. - Why?

You said you hated game shows.

I... I... I happen to have been preparing for this case, Doreau.

I have to keep informed. Why weren't you watching?

Sledge Hammer. Come on down.

Hey, we just found this guy's identification.

That's him. Mel. Mel Jordan. He was the winner on that game show this morning.

You mean he won this beautiful car on a game show?

You think that's funny, Majoy? A man just lost his life.

Worse, he lost a chance to win a million dollars.

Sorry. OK.

Jordan was under the influence. Maybe he was celebrating too soon.

I don't know. Maybe the pressure got to him.

I don't know why. I saw him. He was as calm as a Perry Como groupie.

I think we ought to visit his wife, the widow Jordan, and find out a few things.

Put together a few pieces.

- I'll move in a second. - Never mind. I'll go around.

This has to be the hardest part of our job. Telling someone a loved one is gone.

- I hate doing this. - Well, just let me handle it.

Hello. May I help you?

I'm Inspector Sledge Hammer, this is Dori Doreau. We're police officers.

- What do you want? - Well, ma'am. Your husband's dead.

- Go ahead and cry if you want to. - Oh, my God! No!

We want to offer our deepest condolences, Mrs Jordan.

Jordan? But I'm Mrs Perlan.

The Jordans live next door.

I was one house off. That's...

This never would have happened if your address was clearer. This is a warning.

Come on.

Very sorry.

- Would you like a tissue? - No, thank you. I have a year's supply.

They came yesterday with all those other lovely prizes.

- Was your husband a heavy drinker? - No, absolutely not.

Mel was kind and decent and gentle.

- Too bad he wasn't waterproof. - Game shows and concerts were his life.

- When did you last talk to your husband? - He called right after he won the car.

He said he was coming straight home to study.

You know, we were gonna start a family this year.

There's a game where you win a kid?

We have to be going now, Mrs Jordan, but we want to offer our deepest condolences.

Wait. No. Tell me... Just how bad was the accident?

Well, if it's any consolation, it is one of the more peaceful ways to die.

Locked in a car, clawing the doors, your lungs fill up with water.

I guess the first couple of minutes is pretty scary, but then you die so you don't know.

Isn't that amazing? A man obsessed with game shows.

Another adult caught up in the materialism promoted by game shows. I hate that.

- So why did you accept those? - I wanted to make her feel better, all right?

These are beauties, too. Phew! Ooh-hoo-hoo!

You know, I never heard of a drunken driver who drowned in the drink and never drank.

- Hard to believe. - It's also hard to say.

I think we should talk to the last people to see Mel Jordan alive.

And here's your host for The Million Dollar Question, Bob Kenney!

Ladies and gentlemen.

Our reigning champion Mel Jordan was involved in a horrible automobile accident

and is no longer with us, so please, let us bow our heads

and observe a moment of silence for dear Mel.

Well, life goes on. Let's meet a new contestant. We'll do that after this break.

Don't go away. We'll be back.

Excuse me. May I help you?

We're here to talk to Bob. We're police officers.

- Sorry. We're in the middle of a hit show. - We're doing an investigation, creep.

Relax. I always have time to talk to the police.

Put that degree to work and get me some coffee.

- Right away, Bob. - David, please. Call me sir.

We know you're busy but we have questions we'd like to ask.

Questions. That's my game. Shoot. Just kidding, Inspector.

- The category is Dead Mels. - Yes, of course. Mel.

You know, in this business we call show, contestants come and go

but Mel wasn't just a first name on a cheap tag.

No. He had a last name too.

- What the hell was it? - Jordan.

That's it. Jordan. Mel Jordan. That's it. Lovely guy.

Inge, would you please get lost?

Here's your coffee, sir. By the way, great show today, sir.

Wind my watch. Now, where were we?

- Mel Jordan. Was he acting strange lately? - He was very, very nervous.

As a matter of fact, he had a few stiff drinks before he took that car out for a spin.

Really? Did he mention anything about driving drunkenly off a pier?

- No, I don't believe so. - Look who's here, sir.

Oh. It's my boy. Glad I could be of some help.

- Who's that? His kid? - No. President of the station.

I don't know. I think for the first time Jordan has been overwhelmed by good fortune.

I don't buy it. There's something about that guy I don't trust.

- What is that? - He's a game show host.

- Who are you calling? - The coroner.

- I want the final result on Jordan's death. - Oh, you're so paranoid.

- Every death isn't a murder. - Hey, I'm an optimist.

- Coroner's office. - Norman. Sledge Hammer.

Hi. A bunch of bodies came in but there's no jackets or shoes your size.

Hey, thanks for thinking of me.

No, I want the autopsy results on Mel Jordan. That was intoxication, right?

There wasn't a trace of alcohol. Cause of death was a severe blow to the head.

Well, thanks, Norman.

- Well? - Well, according the autopsy results,

Mel Jordan was dead sober.

Hammer. Look at these old newspaper clippings.

Oh, yeah. Oh, a sale on white walls.

No, below that. There's an article on Bob Kenney.

Apparently, he filed for bankruptcy over a year ago

and had gambling debts of upwards of a million dollars.

State records show they were paid off six months ago.

A million-dollar prize and a million-dollar gambling debt.

That explains why no-one gets to the million-dollar level. He will not let them.

There's no money to win. So he puts on people with the IQ of cotton.

Yeah? What about Mel Jordan?

Mel Jordan took 'em by surprise. He looks dumb, but he turned out to be a genius.

It's a trick I've used myself.

I think I'm going to have a little talk with Bob Kenney about his choice of contestants.

What do you want from me now? I've told you all I know about that Jordan guy.

Will you stop harassing me? I'm a very busy man.

- Yes, Bob is a very busy man. - Hey, I'm not harrassing you.

If I were harrassing you, you would know it.

Listen, I love your show. I tape your show. I wanna be on it.

- Are you kidding? - Is he kidding, Bob?

- What are you, a ventriloquist's dummy? - No, but I filled in for one once.

David, please get me some coffee.

Look, er... Inspector. You're just not the type for television.

Well, what do you mean? Me and my gun are billed as regulars on the local news.

- Look. Why don't you just leave? - Shut up.

- Sure, Bob. - Why don't we give the inspector a chance?

Er... Run a question by him.

- Good idea, Bob. - I'm game.

All right, Mr Hammer. What is the title of the Academy Award-winning film

about a peace-loving man who united India?

Rambo.

I love it. A cop with a sense of humour.

I'm gonna love promoting you on the air. You're on the show.

Great. You're kidding? Well, great. Terrific. Oh, I look forward to it.

Maybe I can put you through bankruptcy, again...

- Bob, why are you putting him on? - That guy's as dopey as all the others.

I'll humiliate him on local TV, deprive him of all credibility.

If he tries to charge us with something, it'll make him look like a sore loser.

- Brilliant, Bob, but I'm scared. - You work for me. I say when to be scared.

- You wanted to work in TV, didn't you? - Yes. But I killed a man for you.

That's part of working in TV.

Do you know how many people would kill you for your job?

OK, Bob. OK.

- Can I get you some fresh coffee? - No.

Your coffee-making days are over.

Make me a coffee cake.

- Hammer, you're going on that game show? - Shh!

Just be... Look.

It's the only way to prove Kenney can't pay the grand prize.

I'm going all the way. A million dollars.

- Why did he let you on in the first place? - He thinks I'm not the brightest guy.

Sledge, did it ever occur to you that you're not the brightest guy in the world?

That's why you're gonna help me. I know a great reference library.

I'll get an ear radio from the SWAT team. You feed me the answers.

- I can't lose. - Well, that's cheating.

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

'And now, let's give a big welcome to your host of The Million Dollar Question,

'Bob Kenney!

'Thank you very much for that warm reception. '

All right, Hammer. I'm set. Good luck.

Joan Walker back. Nice to see you. We need a challenger. Who might that be?

Our next contestant is a police officer whose hobbies are police work.

Please welcome Inspector Sledge Hammer.

Sledge. Welcome to Million Dollar Question.

You are the challenger, that means you'll begin.

Before that, let's meet our prize lady, the lovely Inge.

Sledge, as you can see, we have five categories here. They are...

- Pick a category. - Grab Bag.

A tough category, my friend. A potpourri of very hard questions.

Thank you, Inge. Now, remember, Sledge. Very important.

You control the board if you answer correctly.

Incorrect, Joan takes over. Here is your first question and listen carefully.

'What is the name of the artist

'whose famous painting depicts a beautiful woman standing in a clam shell?'

Art, art, art... Art, art, art...

OK. I got it. Wait, wait.

OK. Botticelli.

Botticelli.

Correct.

What is the lowest temperature ever recorded in the United States?

Hold on, Hammer.

It's, er... Er...

- Minus 70 degrees. - Precisely.

He was the only president without a first lady.

Hold on, Hammer. I'm looking.

It was, er... er... James...

Buchanan.

That's right.

What medieval hero fought the monster Grendel?

- Beowulf. - Who's buried in Grant's tomb?

- Grant and his wife. - How many men on a hockey team?

- Six. - What is the capital of Upper Volta?

Ouagadougou.

A parsec.

Green. Pulsars.

David Mamet. A tie.

Where will you find the famous Spanish Steps?

Whoa!

- Rome! - Rome? Right again!

You're one tough cop. I've got my car parked on the red zone. Wanna give me a ticket?

No. I'm gonna blow you away.

Isn't he cute? No, Sledge.

The siren means you've answered 26 questions. You can go for a million dollars.

You know, nobody's ever gone this far before.

I know. It's a crime.

'Well, let's find out if you're a real cop or if you're going to... cop out. '

He's making his move now, Sledge.

'I'm gonna go for it. '

Inge?

We'll be back with Sledge Hammer's final question in a moment.

Don't go away.

That cop is a super genius. We can't afford to pay him if he wins.

You fool. No wonder you live with your mother. He won't win.

- There's going to be another accident. - After the show?

Not after the show. During the show.

You see that big spotlight right over his head?

It's going to fall and kill him on the air.

We'll have millions of witnesses and the ratings will go through the roof.

- You can't do that. - I know that. You're going to do it.

- I've got to kill again? - Please. Just this once.

I'll do you a favour. I'll take you miniature golfing.

- All right. I'll kill him. - One more thing.

- I know. Get you a coffee. - No, you spineless freak. An espresso.

Welcome back to the show. Well, Sledge, if you answer this question correctly,

you win a cool million dollars.

'Incorrect, you lose everything.

'Good luck. '

Sledge! Damn.

- What's the problem? - I lost contact.

- Contact? - Lens.

Oh. We don't have time for that now. Good luck.

- Has anyone seen Hammer today? - Yeah, he's on a game show.

'All right. Here's your question.

'Elmer Keith is known as the father of what? You have ten seconds. '

Sledge, look out!

What are you doing? I could have answered that. He invented the. 44 Magnum.

- I knew that one. I knew it. - Get Kenney. I'll get his gofer.

Hold it right there.

He made me do it. He forced me to kill that man. And made me get coffee.

Hold it, Hammer.

- Game's over, cheeseball. - Go to heck, cop.

- Go to heck? - You can't say hell on television.

Let's give this guy his cancellation notice.

It's important to remove the turkey before its temperature reaches 107 degrees.

How about turning this thing off?

'The moon, the ocean. You. '

How are you today?

Not very well at all.

Hey, this is a great show for kids.

'And this just in.

'What's going on here?

'Bob Kenney, game show host, is arrested for the murder of Mel Jordan.

'Bob Kenney is arrested for the murder of Mel Jordan. You heard it here first

'on KPSC news. '

www.tvsubtitles.net