Original subtitles

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

All right, freeze!

Oh, Roy, you old coot! You're up to your same old tricks!

- How you doing? - All right! OK!

How's the wife and kid, huh?

Son's great. Wife... kind of left me a couple of months ago.

- I'm sorry to hear that. - What you gonna do?

So what's all this nonsense I hear about you retiring?

That's why I came to see you. I want to go out with a big bang.

One last big bust, you know?

So, uh... I want to borrow a couple of people. Hammer and Doreau.

Send in Hammer and Doreau. Borrow Hammer, you will go out with a bang.

- Captain. - Doreau. Hammer.

You fixing a tyre in the parking lot?

No! No. I was about to interrogate a suspect downstairs.

What?!

- Give me that. - Hey, it's the American way!

This is a friend of mine, Roy Talbot. He's in charge of narcotics.

He seems to need your help.

There's a big drug transaction tonight at the Dominick HoteI.

It's our only chance to nab this guy.

The room where the deaI is going down is next door to the bridaI suite.

We can get you into the suite so you can videotape the transaction.

We need you two to pose as newlyweds.

Newlyweds? Why don't you get a guy and a girI from your own gang?

Or call Bob Eubanks.

There could be leaks in my department. You'd be believable.

- We'd be happy to help. - Speak for yourself.

Last time I posed as a newlywed was a disaster.

- When? - My honeymoon.

Oh, honey! Newlyweds! Aren't they adorable?

It's so romantic!

Look at all their luggage!

- We've reservations. The Buckinghams. - Buckinghams. Buckinghams.

Ah, the bridaI suite! Newlyweds?

No, we're Shriners!

Just give me the key, desk jockey!

Calm yourself, honey pot.

Don't tell me what to do, cow.

I'm running the show here.

Front!

Act like a newlywed.

I am. That's how I acted when I was a newlywed.

Oh, brother! Who decorated this place? Tammy Baker?

Is this a bed or a jumbo box of chocolates?

This is the honeymoon suite! People who come here are in love!

- Ugh! - Hearts represent love.

The heart isn't a wimp. It's a muscle.

And it doesn't have time for love. It's too busy pumping blood.

Very romantic I happen to believe in love and marriage.

Goes together like a horse and carriage.

Oh, gag me. You know what marriage is?

Driving the wrong way down a one-way street

and colliding with a dump truck called your wife.

Now what's this?

It's a tripod. It supports a camera.

Right. I knew that.

Let me handle that. I'm familiar with surveillance equipment.

Putting stuff together is men's work.

We're naturally mechanicaI.

So just sit and watch a man do a man's work.

Are you just going to sit and watch?!

OK.

OK, almost finished with these connections.

- Drill a hole in that wall. - No problem.

Making holes is what I'm good at.

No! Sledge!

Don't do that. There's a drill in the suitcase.

I don't like the sound of that. Better oiI this baby up.

- Sledge! - Oops. I'm sorry.

The department rented this gown!

It retails for $5,000!

You're kidding! It's got a big oiI stain on it!

I'll have to take it off before it sets.

I'll have to drill this hole myself.

- Who is it? - Complimentary champagne!

- What kind of name is that? - Congratulations!

On behalf of the hoteI, your complimentary champagne.

No. We didn't order anything.

Sir, it's complimentary. That means it's free.

Well, I can't afford it, so make like the wind and blow, huh?

- What's with all this video equipment? - What? Oh, that!

That's just, uh... That's, uh... It's a wedding present.

This is all the luggage you brought?

Yeah. Well, we left a lot of microwaves and toasters at home, you know.

- Why is this camera all set up? - Well...

Uh... Because.

Because what?

Because we're making honeymoon tapes for the family.

- Sledge, the stain is - - Hi, honey!

I was just telling the bellhop here

how we're using the camera to record our honeymoon for the folks at home, right?

Right! So, OK, let's just say hello to Uncle... Bosco.

Hi, Uncle Bosco!

I think I'll get in this one too.

OK, fine. Yeah, well, hi! OK, we're fine!

Almost nothing on...

All right.

Just pose. Do one of those poses for Grandpa Lou.

You know how he loves poses.

Oh, yeah! Hi, Lou! OK, honey, that's enough.

Turn it off.

- Oh no, drinking on duty. - Duty?

Uh... Honeymoon duty!

It's our duty to be on honeymoon.

And what better reason to drink champagne!

Let's hear a romantic toast. Come on.

- Go on, honey. - OK, OK.

Here's hoping that our pushy bellboy with the big head

gets the hell out of our room!

You don't act like you're on honeymoon. Drink up - it's expensive stuff!

- I've overstayed my welcome. - You've never been welcome. Get out.

- No tip? - Don't swim in shark-infested waters.

Uh... Well, drink, enjoy!

I'll put the Do Not Disturb sign on.

I'm not much of a drinker but I do like champagne.

Oh, this sissy stuff makes me puke.

But... sometimes I like to puke.

So the duck says to the bartender, "Put it on my bill!"

Get it? The duck! Bill!

Oh! Oh, I forgot to call Talbot!

Testing, one, two!

- One, two! - Doreau.

I think the bubbly has made you a little too bubbly!

Bubbly bubbly!

I'm a poet and I didn't know it!

'Talbot here. What's going on?'

Um... Nothing, Lieutenant.

We're all set up and ready for your... big bust!

Trust me. I almost know what I'm doing.

Good. You check in every hour, understand?

Did you say "bust"?

Did you say "big bust"?

Holy moly!

This maggot's got more snow than the Winter Olympics.

We getting this all on tape?

- Yep. It's recording. - Wow!

- Let me see. - Come on, I'm watching.

- Let me see! - You camera hog!

Wow! Wow! They must have 12 kilos in there!

Now we just have to wait for the big buy.

Yeah.

- I don't feeI very good. - No.

- Go... Just go and lie down on the bed. - OK.

I'll just start up the old Magic Fingers here.

Hammer! What's h-happening?

I think this heart is beating!

Yeah!

Roy, why did you sound the alarm?

I haven't heard from Hammer. I think something's wrong.

- With Hammer you can bet on it. - Let's go.

- Oh my God! - And the drugs have gone too!

Hammer!

Oh! Oh, Captain!

- It's not as bad as it looks! - Yeah. I've still got my holster on.

Hammer!

Hammer, this is an embarrassment to the department.

You're telling me.

Look how they misspelled my name. Bammer!

- Do I look like a Bammer? - Yes!

You two perverts will pay for this.

I'm gonna demand an inquiry and I guarantee you'll be kicked off the force.

But I swear we didn't do anything!

No! At least... we don't think we did anything.

- Did we? - Wait a minute.

Whatever happened, we have the tape of the drug transaction!

- Ah, yes! Tape. - Yeah.

Why don't we just go and look at this tape?

'No, no.

' Whoa!

Get back to work, you perverts! Move it!

Get out of there, Majoy, now!

- I thought you erased this part. - I barely know how to record.

'Hold it!'

Wait. That's it?

Where's the drug deals and murders?

Obviously you turned the tape off before seducing Detective Doreau.

- I didn't turn that tape off! - He did not seduce me!

We'll let the board of inquiry decide that.

He wants to put a board upside my head.

Look, this is out of my hands.

Just... Just file a report on what you do remember.

And leave it on my desk tomorrow!

Oh, and do me a favour.

Spare me the intimate details.

If there ARE any.

Then what happened?

- Hammer? - I don't know.

Put that we... drank too much champagne and then... passed out in bed together.

I don't think that is gonna place us in the best light!

We're already totally in the dark.

Put what you want. My head feels like the Goodyear Blimp! I might go home.

- What about the report? - You do it.

If you need help remembering something I can't remember, forget to call me.

Thanks. Great.

That's a nice report. Neat handwriting and everything.

Is there something I can do for you?

No. I mean yes. I mean, well... Me and some of the girls were curious.

We were wondering about Hammer...

He has a hangover.

- That's not what I meant. - I know what you meant.

And the answer is I wouldn't know.

And even if I did know, I don't remember!

Oh! He's forgettable?

That's what we all figured.

No!

I gotta hand it to you, Inspector.

It's about time you got your hooks into that sweet babe.

What's your secret?

She wouldn't give me the time of day and most women give me the whole clock.

I've got nothing to say.

Come on. How was she?

Firecracker?

Dynamite? Nuclear? Ba-boom!

I don't remember.

Come on! What kind of a man has a woman like that and doesn't remember?

Unless of course nothing happened.

Look! I'll tell you what happened.

You want to know? A lot!

I'm just not talking about it.

Cos I'm not the kind that kisses and tells.

I'm the type that kills and tells.

- What do you mean, a lot happened? - Doreau, we're talking man talk.

- Why not tell the truth? - You don't with man talk.

Someone put this in my desk.

How come I didn't get a present?

ModeI it for the rest of us. I'm sure Hammer's already seen it.

Prepare for a high heeI in the nose!

Come on, Doreau! Violence never solved anything.

- What?! - No, it solves everything! Except this.

So trust me.

- I can solve this with man talk. - You mean with lies!

You're all a bunch of idiots! Out my way!

Yargh!

I'm glad you're home tonight.

Oh yes, the precinct bimbo

is taking a rare night off from her usuaI all-night partying!

Doreau, I'm a cop.

And I got gut instincts.

This cop's gut is telling me you're upset about what I said today.

That or I got heartburn.

Why couldn't you just admit that nothing happened?

Because I'm not sure nothing did happen.

Are you?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

What if something did happen?

I wish one of us had stopped it.

Oh, my God, this is a disaster!

They're gonna kick us out the force.

If they don't, I'll have to transfer. Nobody respects me.

Well, that never stopped me.

Hammer, I don't understand how we passed out. We didn't drink that much.

Unless we were drugged!

Wait a minute. This cop's gut is asking me a question.

What if we were drugged?

We better find the bellboy. I'll call Captain Trunk.

You are grasping at straws.

Well, straws are all we have. We're trying to save our badges.

- Where's the big-headed bellboy? - Which big-headed bellboy?

Big head, no lips and thick glasses. He gave us complimentary champagne.

We don't have big-headed bellboys.

And we don't give complimentary champagne.

We don't even give compliments.

We've been set up.

How do we prove this by tomorrow?

I got it! We'll lie in court. It's worked for me in the past.

Big-headed bellboy with no lips and thick glasses...

Hmm.

Then we entered.

Found Inspector Hammer and Detective Doreau cradled in each other's arms.

It's pretty obvious they had consumed an alcoholic beverage

and were overcome with lust.

Due to their lack of professionalism,

three suspects are dead, we have no leads,

and frankly, their disgusting behaviour

makes me ashamed to be a police officer.

- I object! - This is not a triaI! You can't object!

Oh. Well, can I punch him in the mouth?

Inspector Hammer, Detective Doreau, these are very serious charges.

Do you have anything to say in your defence?

- Well... - I do.

Hammer, what is this?

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Now, gentlemen, I'm going to admit something to you this morning,

something I hesitate to admit, even to myself.

I do not know really what happened in that hoteI room that evening.

It's a question I have pondered.

A question that has laid heavy with me in the dark, in my room.

But I'm positive that nothing unethicaI or... immoraI occurred between us

because she would not have allowed it.

Because Detective Doreau...

Detective Doreau is a professionaI.

So... So if you're gonna blame somebody for this...

blame me.

The point is we were framed. We simply cannot prove it.

- Yeah. - Ha!

The floozy is just trying to pass the buck.

They blew it! And now they're just trying to weaseI out of it.

What?!

Captain Trunk, this is a closed hearing.

I know, but I'm responsible for this knucklehead and Detective Doreau.

I want it noted for the record

that in Roy Talbot's last three cases,

confiscated drugs were missing!

And those cases are closed and unsolved.

- I'm not under investigation here. - Well, you should be!

Especially since that enlightening talk I had with your son.

Roy Junior...

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm sorry, Dad.

You never told me you were gonna... kill anybody.

I drugged your champagne.

Turned off the tape machine, set up that whole scene in your hoteI room.

Like father, like scum.

Wait a minute. You undressed me?

Hammer!

Why do you do it, Roy, huh? Why?

Who can live on a police pension?

Day after day I see these drug-pushing sleazebags,

living like royalty.

And here... here I am, the good guy,

living like a pauper.

And I didn't do it just for myself.

No. I did it for my wife.

So... So I could just give her something,

something I could never afford to give her before.

- What's that? - Her alimony!

Captain?

We wanted to thank you for saving our careers.

Champagne. We thought you'd enjoy the irony of it.

You see, we drank champagne that was drugged,

which started the whole mess.

Us giving you champagne is ironic because we drank the champagne...

Put a sock in it. I better than anyone know what irony is.

Hammer, thank you for sticking up for me during the inquiry.

- Made me look heroic, didn't it? - Yeah.

Doreau, you won't be transferring?

Well, my reputation has been restored.

Really? Mine's been ruined.

Good.

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