Original subtitles

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

This world's a cesspooI. What a wimp!

'Gandhi returns after these messages. '

Any guy who spells his name with an I on the end isn't welcome in my house.

'Welcome to the home ammo network. The best bullets are a call away. '

You want steeI-jacketed slugs for the holidays?

Oh.

I'll miss that Gucci battering ram.

I already bought brushes from you guys last week.

You're coming with me. Argh!

Sorry. That was reflex.

- Governor Lachatte wants to talk to you. - Really?

About his Death Penalty For Jay Walkers bill?

No. For a top-secret meeting. Let's move it.

The governor's a very great man.

His campaign promise for mandatory 24-hour year-round schooI? Genius.

He's in trouble and needs help. This could cost him his re-election.

Whatever it is, he can count on me.

Hey, this guy voted down the ERA.

The limo's waiting. When we get there, climb into the trunk.

- The what? - Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

No-one must see me taking you to the governor's mansion.

You... you have a fire escape?

Yeah. Well, no, but...

Aah!

Other window.

Did you have to go over those potholes?

- I had my reasons. - Oh yeah, what were they?

Your attitude.

I hate to break this up, gentlemen.

Pardon us, Governor. Actually, you could really pardon us.

I mean - It's a little gubernatoriaI humour, sir.

- Would you like a drink, Hammer? - No, I...

You have a bar in your garage?

I thought those babies only guzzled gas.

It's not for the auto, it's for me.

Thirst can strike anywhere.

That's why I have a bar in every room.

Doesn't it kind of run into big bucks?

Taxpayers' money. Who cares?

It really is an honour to meet you.

I respect your stand on cutting funds to the elderly to build missile bases.

Thank you. And I'm impressed with your record.

You always get your man, albeit sometimes posthumously.

No, sometimes I have to kill him first.

Nevertheless...

This is why I sent for you.

My little girI.

Now wait a minute! I don't shoot little girls, even if they deserve it.

No, no, I want you to bring her back to me.

You see, my little angeI, two weeks ago she went out to buy a pumice stone

and hasn't returned.

She could have just used sandpaper.

I've heard that she's fallen in with the wrong crowd.

Don't worry. I know a lot of sleazeballs.

Well, this must be kept top secret, Hammer.

If the rivaI camp hears, I lose the election.

No problem. Your secret is safe with me.

- I don't even remember it. - You must get her as soon as possible.

But we can't risk the press discovering this.

They expect your whole family to be saints, right?

That's what Father O'Malley told me the other night over a couple of beers.

Find my little girI.

- I'll have my head take you home. - No, it's... fine. I'll walk.

How are you and Hammer coming on in that Slasher investigation?

Hammer's out today, sir. Didn't you get the message?

No. What's the matter?

- Says he's sick. - Sick?

Never kept him at home before.

It's his second day out. Shall I call him?

I'll do it. You stay on this case.

By the way, have you heard of any recent riots,

assassinations or nuclear meltdowns?

Uh, no. Why?

Hammer's out there

and he's unsupervised.

Phew! Big country!

Hello.

Hammer? We miss you.

Please come back.

I can't come in because I have the... the plague.

Come in or you'll be charged with insubordination.

- And if I get a doctor's note? - 'I don't care if it's Dr Jonas Salk. '

I want you at your desk - for once!

Now help me here. Say you were the governor's daughter.

Where would you head to?

One point of view but say she didn't head for the armoury?

No, I think that given the time factor,

the bad crowd theory and the wind-chill factor,

I think we can safely pinpoint her location as...

Somewhere near my left foot.

Missing kids. No.

Missing drunks.

Nothing.

Missing luggage.

Missing nerds.

Hello, Governor?

Don't call me that! No-one must know about this!

No, that's just a codename!

No, I'm not actually talking to the governor.

Hammer, it is two days now. I want my little girI back.

Don't worry. I think I've got a...

What did you get? Who you talking to?

Uh... Just a second, uh... Mom.

'What is going on there?'

Mom We've got to talk about the murder.

I didn't do it.

Um... Look, I have to go now, darling.

Yes, I love you too.

I can't believe this man! I can't believe this man!

- Satisfied? - What's this to do with the Slasher?

Hey, plenty. Any one of these lowlifes could be our man.

- Who's the girI in your lap? - Hasn't been one in years.

- The photo. - It... came with the wallet.

Just... No!

Ooh! Very pretty.

- My niece. - You don't have one.

- Nephew. - What are you hiding?

- I'm... What? - Hiding?

Why are you so suspicious? It's not like I'm on a secret mission for the governor.

Brother!

I'll get coffee then we'll talk about the murder.

Yeah. Perfectamento.

Hammer, there's a Joey The Slug here to see you.

- Ssh! Take him into Interrogation. - OK.

Hammer. Hammer!

What's Majoy doing taking Joey The Slug into Interrogation?

He's taking him into Interrogation.

- Yes, why? - Oh, I don't know.

Maybe Majoy wants to know how he lost weight. It's not the same Joey The Slug.

No, this is a different guy. He's a graduate of Vassar.

Hammer, we are supposed to be working on this case together!

This isn't about our case. This is... No.

I have to talk to him about man stuff. You know... Hunting.

Come on!

Uh-uh! No! No!

Uh-uh. No! I'm not giving up my rights this time.

You won't get away with brutality!

What's a black eye between friends?

No, no, no! Hey, man, you just stay away from me!

I'll give you one minute to tell me everything you know about this girI.

I never saw her before.

Don't you remember that fun we had

with glue, your eyelashes and a 40-storey building?

Aah! I swear to you, I never saw her before!

I don't know anything about her.

You like jazz, Slug?

Uh...

Sure!

Why?

Any requests?

- Wanna hear some more? - No!

No! Stop that!

Stop that! Ow!

I'll tell you everything!

Yeah, I saw her! Yeah, she works in a place downtown.

No! No!

Yeah, it's the Bikini Wax Bar.

Ow!

Big MabeI runs the place. Just don't tell her Butch sent you.

What A Little Night Music will do for you.

- Find anything out? - Doreau...

God works in mysterious ways.

- You're comparing yourself to God? - No. Just his methods.

Now, give The Slug a ride home

and don't think about following me, OK?

Uh... You don't play the sax, do you... lady?

Not since junior high.

Don't have a chance if you don't move now

I won't wait any longer

You know that I'm playing to win this time

When you make your move

I won't hesitate

If you take too long

You could be too late

This time I'm playing to win

If you want me come and say it

Turn it around...

Sorry, buddy, no men allowed till after ten.

Unless you wanna be in the show.

Do I have to call the cops?

I am the cops... Lardette.

I'm looking for this girI.

Don't know her. She's probably been here. Everyone has.

Stick around. You might see Mother Teresa.

Butch sent me.

Tell that weaseI Joey The Slug I want my alimony cheque!

So that's it, huh? You're the ex Mrs The Slug?

I ought to throw you and everyone in here behind bars.

Thank goodness - he beat me to it. Don't go anywhere.

Seen this woman? Yo! You seen this woman anywhere?

You seen this girI? Have you seen -

What's going on? What the - Hey!

You're out of uniform, Officer. What would your mother say?

Ask her. She's over there.

Sit down.

I haven't seen anything this perverted since the Webster Holiday SpeciaI.

- You're all under arrest. - Get him, girls!

Gangway!

Hold it! Hang on to him!

So this is how you spend your time! I'm surprised.

- I saved your skin. - Yeah, but look what they did to my shirt.

- Tell her to let go. - Tell me what you're working on.

- Something big, isn't it? - I can't say. Women can't keep secrets.

- It's to do with that girI in the picture! - Give it a rest!

I can't say why I'm looking for the governor's daughter.

- Lachatte's daughter? - Who squealed?

- The governor's a fascist pig. - A good one.

I don't want any trouble. Check Dr Maseuss's massage parlour.

Girls come and go there.

Sounds like a good idea. I've got a crick in my neck.

Did you see that?

All right, ladies. Party time!

Welcome to Dr Maseuss's. Can I help?

We're looking for this girI. You seen her?

No, but we can find someone to please the both of you.

Don't make me puke, lady!

We're here on business. We're cops.

Cops? Oh, my God. Uh... look... I'm just a temp here and I didn't do it.

Don't shoot. I confess. Everybody steals some office supplies.

We wanna know where a girI might go.

It's true. I cut some tax off the pillows. I bootlegged a Jane Fonda tape.

- We wanna know - - Great Train Robbery?

I did that. The Grinch didn't steaI Christmas. I did. That's me.

- Sledge. - I'll just go check the rooms.

Jimmy Harper. I killed him!

- I'm sure you did. - I stuffed him in my gym bag!

Tammy Fay Baker, I did her make-up.

Democrat Gary Hart hates me.

PearI Harbour. I dropped the bomb! I broke down.

San Francisco earthquake. Need I say more?

Hey!

What is going on here?

Hey, you -

You led me on a wild goose chase!

Sledge! She just remembered.

She saw the girI in the hoteI across the street! She might be there.

Stock market crash. I did that!

I gotta contact the governor.

Yeah, and Amelia Earhart, I know where she is. I do. I do.

Pitbulls, I raise 'em. You want one? Huh?

Cathy Rigby, I pushed off the beam. Mary Decker, I tripped her.

And Ishtar - it was my idea.

This girI was seen checking into this dump.

Here it is. Behind the green door suite.

And remember, when the sand runs out, it's check-out time.

Listen, greaseball, why are you evading my questions?

- You know this girI, don't you? - It's Diana Rice.

- No, it isn't! - It's the way she signed the registry.

Come to think of it, there were seven yesterday.

Mr Fresco, it's important that we locate this girI.

Uh... Call me Al.

Al, is she still here?

No. She was going on a long trip.

- Maybe there's clues in the room. - It's empty.

We want to see the room.

All right, all right.

There's nothing in it, though.

Well, it is... clean.

All she left was this.

- You're hiding something! - I'm calling the cops!

I'll save you a quarter. We are the cops.

This opera isn't over till the fat lady dies, Doreau.

- I'm not gonna faiI the governor. - She left town.

Just accept defeat with grace.

Grace is for decorators, Doreau. I'm a cop.

Yo! Godzillagirdle!

You know more than you're telling. Where's Lachatte's little girI?

Back off, blue eyes. You got no right to harass me.

This is my right, Zeppelin body!

- And I got a couple of lefts. - Get off my back and do your job.

Get that drunk doll out of here.

She's disturbing the peace.

Let me have a closer look.

Flaky floozies are your problem.

I'll tell the governor to burn your liquor licence

if you're not more cooperative.

- Sorry about that! - No, that's -

- Hey, you're the governor's daughter! - What do you mean?

Your father said you were in a bad crowd but...

No, no. You don't understand!

I don't have to. I'm a cop.

It's for your own good.

- Your father missed you. - He's not my father!

You say that now but you'll have a chance to work things out.

I wonder why he wants her back.

That's not our problem. I'm just glad we found her.

And so I say to you, my friends,

ask not what your governor can do for you,

but rather what you can do for your governor - me!

Governor! I'm sorry, I couldn't stop them!

Get her out of here!

Governor, we found your daughter.

We don't have a daughter.

Well but... He's... You're the...

You mean, she... Urgh!

I want them out of here!

Everything is under controI, gentlemen! Everything. Ha ha!

- You said find your daughter, not mistress! - I never said I had a daughter!

Idiot!

You OK?

Disillusioned. Who'd have thought that a man like Lachatte

would have the morals of that TV evangelist?

- How did your hair get so dry? - Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Well, Hammer, you did it again.

I'm not happy with how this turned out. Our country needs this man.

He was sludge, Sledge.

I like that in a politician. It's his replacement I'm worried about.

He'll encourage women to vote.

Come in.

Inspector Hammer,

thank you for exposing Lachatte for what he was.

He was a great backward-thinking man.

He just had seven or eight fataI moraI flaws.

What are your plans now, AngeI?

With all the coverage, I got a three-picture deaI with Paramount.

I guess they figured you couldn't afford the high ticket prices, huh?

So I mean they got her for cheaper with three pictures...

Why did you do that?

I don't know. I felt like shooting my gun so I...

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