Original subtitles

Trust me, I know what I'm doing.

Felicia...

.. where are you?

I'm in here, Milo.

Oh!

Oh, where's your wife tonight?

The old ball-and-chain is out playing a couple of hands of pinochle.

Here you are, darlin'.

Oh, Milo, darling.

Put it on.

- But there's nothing in it. - I know!

Put it on.

When you come back,

you'll be the hoteI guest who just stepped out of the shower

and I'll be the naughty little bellboy.

Ooh!

OK.

Bye.

Oh! Dang satin sheets!

Oh!

That's cute.

Ooh!

Milo, I'm...

Oh!

Ooh.

Oh, yuck.

Hey, Inspector, Detective.

Enough salutations, Mayjoy. What happened?

The dead guy is Milo Tieup, a big-time toy tycoon.

Comes home from a hard day of work

and this remote-controlled tank rolls in and blows him away.

Boooshh!

You're telling me he was shot with a toy tank?

- How depressing. - Death always is.

I'm depressed they didn't have these toys when I was a kid.

It's funny, it was made by his own toy company.

Who is she, Mayjoy?

Name's Felicia Gilmore.

Claims they were "alone together",

then she came in and found him dead.

- Well built, eh, Inspector? - Yeah, look at that turret.

Sledge, he's talking about that woman over there.

- I knew that. - Let's question her.

Ms Gilmore, I'm Detective Doreau, this is Inspector Hammer.

What was your relationship with the deceased?

Oh, I was, er... his, um...

how should I say? Milo and I were, er...

- I was his... - Mistress.

Is it that obvious?

It is from these snapshots, sister.

OK, How long were you Tieup's illicit love slave?

Sledge, don't be judgementaI.

I got no time for immorality, Doreau.

She was living in sin with a married man.

No, he didn't live here,

- he just paid the rent. - It's still disgusting.

What can you tell us about Tieup?

He was a simple multi-millionaire

and the only thing he loved more than his toys was me.

- Cos you didn't run on batteries? - Sledge, please.

Would you try and be more sensitive?

OK, OK. All right, tramp, why'd you kill him?

- I didn't do it. Why would I kill Milo? - It beats me.

- You tell me, then I'll know. - Milo took care of me.

He was a great catch

and the only problem was he had a wife.

Yeah, and he wouldn't get rid of her,

so you got him to bring you a toy tank

and you killed him with it. A perfect crime of passion.

What on earth are you talking about?

- That's not it? - No.

- Was any of it even close? - No.

- There was a tank? - Yes.

Sledge, there's a doggie door here that that tank would fit through,

Look at these tracks on the carpet.

You know, I think that tank came from outside.

These dang, degenerate satin sheets!

How come you're not the inspector?

I don't know.

So, did this big toy maggot have any enemies, other than his wife?

Enemies, no.

He was a gentle man who through his toys

brought joy and laughter to millions.

In other words, everybody hated him.

I think there's more to this case.

Let's fill in Trunk, then question Mrs Tieup.

I think you're right. Let's go.

And, you, don't leave town.

Who's gonna pay for it?

I'm just the ex-mistress of a very influentiaI man?

What am I gonna do now?

Do what every woman in your position does.

- What's that? - Pose for Playboy.

Take care.

Oh.

Forgot I still had one of those left.

Rest assured, Mrs Tieup,

we have two of our best officers on the case.

Guess what, Captain? Milo Tieup, the toy tycoon,

was just offed by one of his own toys

in his mistress's bedroom.

Not right now, Hammer.

This won't take long, sir, it's pretty cut-and-dried.

You see, Tieup was keeping this woman, a reaI adult toy,

and I have pictures. Look at this.

This is disgusting.

This is even more disgusting.

This is not so much disgusting as surprising.

And this is unnecessary. He didn't have to take that picture.

- Sledge! - I'm almost done here.

Now, the way I figure it,

the reason the old man kept this floozy

was because his wife was a reaI bow-wow,

I mean, a doggie.

Hammer.

You know, sir, the kinda whining, kinda mousy type.

Anyway, so she finds out about the bimbo and kaboom,

- she blows up the husband. - I did not kill my husband!

Good for you, lady.

Who's she?

Hammer, this is Mrs Inez Tieup, Milo Tieup's wife.

Good work, Captain. You're under arrest, lady.

Get your hands off me, you thug!

What?

Mrs Tieup, I apologise

for Sledge Hammer's callous and crude behaviour

and also for your husband's indiscretions.

It's all right, Captain. I'm relieved.

- I thought Milo just didn't like sex. - He didn't, with her.

Mrs Tieup, were you aware of his philandering?

No, but I should've been suspicious

when he said he was adopting a 28-year-old girI.

- God, how I hated that man. - Why didn't you divorce him?

That tightwad made me sign a prenuptiaI agreement -

I would've gotten zip.

All the more reason to kill him.

With him dead, you'd get everything.

You know, I never thought of that.

Oh, I could just kick myself!

- Where were you last night? - Ah, be carefuI!

I couldn't miss my appointment - they charge you regardless.

Uh... Very nice.

Mrs Tieup, you claim you didn't kill your husband.

Do you have any idea who might want to?

It would take you hours to interview all the suspects.

He treated everyone poorly.

The other day I heard him having a huge fight

with Harold Bell, his chief inventor.

We should go talk to Harold Bell.

Right, get on it.

Ah, now, listen,

I didn't mean to suggest Harold could do such a thing.

We'll decide that.

You know something, lady? Your husband is a lucky man.

- He's dead! - That's what I mean.

Hammer...

get moving - now!

Yes, sir. Right away, Mr Bell.

OK, Mr Bell will see you now. If you'll just wear these.

Hey, I don't need no stinking badges.

- Where's Mr Bell's office? - Building G, Room 1218,

but we provide you transportation.

Here it is, Sledge.

Mr Bell?

Quiet, please, I'm working.

I'm afraid this Bell is a ding-dong.

OK, I'm sorry.

I'm designing a new line of unisex household appliances

that work for boys as well as girls.

Look at this, Doreau, a toy toaster.

Oh, that's a reaI toaster!

I live here.

Oh, wait a minute...

Would you like a glass of fresh carrot juice?

Ah, no, thank you. We're here to ask you some questions.

Oh, OK.

I wanna show you something else.

Here she is.

Watch this.

Come on, baby.

It's a Crying Tammy doll.

She's born again for Christmas.

Come on, Bell, I'm tired of being toyed with.

Let's cut to the chase. Milo Tieup has been murdered.

Oh?

Yeah.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

And you interrupted my work to tell me that?

Mr Bell, did you design this tank?

Of course, yeah.

I design everything for Tieup Toys. Why?

Cos this tiny toy tank took Tieup's...

What's another "T" word?.. Tife!

True, I designed it,

but it doesn't have any capability to kill.

If I thought it did,

I would've used it on Mr Tieup long ago.

So you admit you hated Tieup?

Sure I do. Yeah, I did, sure.

I detested working for him - he was always so cheap.

He never gave me the credit I deserved.

I'm the genius behind this whole company, not him.

So why didn't you just be a man and quit?

I tried to.

I got this fantastic offer from the Goldfunger Company

but slimy old Mr Tieup wouldn't let me out of my contract,

but I still wouldn't have kill him.

Where were you last night, Mr Bell?

I was right here. Yeah. Yeah, I was here designing these gag toys for Halloween.

See? Trick or treat?

Hey!

That's pretty good. Hey, watch out, whoa!

Oh!

How many times do I have to tell you, I live here?

Listen, paI, he who lives by the toy, dies by the toy.

Goodbye.

Well, Sledge, we've got three suspects, three motives and three flimsy alibis.

What do we do now?

Walk back.

Hello. 'Sorry, sweetie,

I won't be able to see you tonight. '

Oh, why not?

'Because, you'll be dead. '

When you get those back from the police lab,

send them to me at the precinct.

I'm not a cop photographer, I'm her neighbour.

- I always wanted a shot of her. - You sick, sick sicko!

What a way to die.

She got what she deserved, Doreau.

Inez Tieup got her revenge by torpedoing that trollop.

- Here's the murder weapon. - Sledge, turn it over,

see if Tieup's name is underneath.

Yup. There's Milo Tieup's smiling mug.

I think we should have another chat with Harold Bell

before we talk to Inez Tieup.

I think you're right. Let's go.

Mm.

Oh, Detectives, hi.

I... I didn't expect...

What're you...

I was about to have a bite to eat.

Yeah, well, bite on this.

Does the name Felicia Gilmore ring a bell... Bell?

Felicia Gilmore?

Yeah.

Felicia?

Felicia? Felicia GiI.. Felicia... Gilmore!

No, I've never heard that name before.

Wha-wha-what... Why do you ask?

She was sunk by one of your toy submarines.

This is really turning out to be an awfuI day.

Well, I mean, look,

I'd have to be pretty stupid to modify two of my own designs.

You know, I'd be the first one you'd suspect.

I didn't, she did.

Though he's got a point.

OK, Harold,

you can look, but you can't touch.

You'll wrinkle the silk.

It's not what you think.

Then why are you wearing a little black thing?

- I'm in mourning. - Oh, brother!

Really.

I just... came over to congratulate Harold.

The board has made him the new chairman.

Couldn't she have just left a little extra in his pay cheque?

You're not fooling anyone, Mrs Tieup.

You're the board, you made your lover chairman.

Who?

Bell, Sledge.

Be... Your morals stink out loud.

How dare you say that to the woman I love!

Love? I need a barf bag.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Now that you know about us, I can tell you the truth.

Inez and I were together last night

when Mr Tieup was murdered.

She didn't let me try anything - she's a reaI tease...

.. but we were together.

I guess they got their alibi, Sledge.

Yeah, and he's right. He'd have to be an idiot

to kill two people with toys he designed,

either that or a civiI libertarian.

Why would he wanna kill Felicia?

Looks like we're outta suspects.

I hate that! We're also starting to sound like Murder, She Wrote.

Someone else has to be involved here.

I think Felicia's the key.

I think you're right. Let's go.

All right, you two love buckets are off the hook,

but do me a favour - don't breed!

Don't pay any attention, darling.

So crueI.

Well, nothing here but the stench of a tawdry love affair.

- Whatever happened to morality, Doreau? - I don't know.

- By the way, I'm proud of you. - Why?

For breaking into the apartment without a search warrant.

You're gonna make a good cop yet.

- Gee, thanks, Sledge. - Look at this.

I guess if you're on the force long enough,

you see all kinds of gruesome things.

It's lingerie, Sledge.

Didn't your wife ever wear sexy things for you?

Well, I must admit, one time she put on my bulletproof vest.

Now, that turned me on like nobody's business.

You know, Sledge, I find it odd that those were the only clothes she owned.

She was a kept woman. These are uniforms, Doreau.

Look at this! "I love you forever, Claude Goldfunger. "

You thinking what I'm thinking?

I'm thinking of invading Afghanistan by myself.

What're you thinking?

Harold Bell mentioned Goldfunger. He's Tieup's competitor.

If anyone would want to make those toys lethaI, it'd be him.

I think you're right. Let's go.

Yep, this is it. Mr Goldfunger?

I thought you said this clown was expecting us.

I was expecting you!

So, tell me, what brings you to my magic kingdom, hm?

I think this guy's spring is wound too tight.

We're detectives.

Oh. You're probably here about the murder of Milo Tieup.

- What do you know about it? - Everything. I did it.

I punished Felicia too.

Punished? What are you talking about, you weirdo?

Felicia was a bad girI. I thought she was my girlfriend,

then I found out she was Milo Tieup's girlfriend too.

So that's why you killed her.

Of course not, dumbbell. She was double-dealing us.

She gave Tieup the plans to my top secret project.

That was her fataI boo-boo, so I had to kill them both.

A little extreme, don't you think?

Hey, the toy business isn't kids' stuff.

Well, I'm taking you in.

You oughta know women can't keep secrets.

I'm not going anywhere, but you are.

Can you believe this? He's holding us off with a toy gun!

This is my top secret project.

It will revolutionise the world of toys.

A child's toy gun that's reaI.

Ah!

He's gone!

There's an escape hatch. He's somewhere in the factory.

Let's go.

Did you see that? A toy gun that shoots reaI bullets. Want a pet?

Sledge?

You think the Defense Department knows about this guy?

If they did, the world would be a safe place.

You go that way.

Goodbye, Inspector.

Rabbits to the kill!

You see, Doreau, you give them all the toys in the world

and they wind up playing in a cardboard box.

Doreau, it is unbelievable

that a successfuI businessman like Claude Goldfunger

could be so maniacaI.

Well, apparently, toys were his life and toys got him life.

Look what Harold Bell just sent me.

A Sledge Hammer doll.

You see the similarity?

It's cute. Can I see it?

OK, but give it back.

It's really offensive. The guy did an accurate job.

I guess they haven't got all the bugs out of it yet.

- It malfunctioned. - No, it didn't.

Can I see?

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