Original subtitles

♪ Look at the sun ♪

♪ Falling from the sky ♪

♪ Look at the sunset ♪

♪ Takes my mind ♪

♪ Back ♪

♪ To my homeland ♪

♪ Far away ♪

♪ It's the story ♪

♪ It's the story ♪

♪ Runnin' in my mind ♪

♪ It's so clear ♪

♪ It's so clear ♪

♪ I remember ♪

♪ I remember ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ Sunset gleaming ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey, people ♪

♪ Can you dig what I say? ♪

♪ Our land ♪

♪ Our land ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ Hear what I say ♪

♪ To the people ♪

♪ Of the land ♪

♪ Try my ♪

♪ Try my ♪

♪ Try my ♪

♪ Sunset, baby ♪

The Kelly Gang had been holding up banks

for as long as, well, for as long as there'd been banks.

Historically, we were the World's First Biker Gang.

What really set us apart from all the other outlaws

was our philosophy.

We always gave everything we stole to the poor.

My uncle Dan had been the most notorious aboriginal outlaw

of all time,

until he retired to run the family pub.

My brother job was the Gang's tax expert,

and the rest of the Gang worked full-time

in the manufacture and consumption of beer.

Come on, Ned. You're be late for work.

♪ Wild thing ♪

♪ You make my heart sing... ♪

Yep. Times has changed, all right.

The entire bank-robbing division

of the once world-famous Kelly Gang

had been reduced to just one man...

me.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Wild thing ♪

♪ You make my heart sing, yeah... ♪

We lived in this wild pub.

It was so old that no one was sure

if it was actually built

or just somehow grew out of the ground.

Over the years, it has become home

to every kind of wildlife you can imagine.

♪ Wild thing ♪

♪ Wild thing ♪

Apart from my dog,

my bike was my best mate.

I personally built it from the wheels up

out of scrap metal.

Sure, it had some minor structural problems.

It wasn't exactly mechanically perfect,

but everyone respected it.

Especially Joe.

Morning, Dan.

Morning, Ned.

It is refueled.

Thanks, Joe.

You still haven't fixed that leaking pump.

Have now.

Ooh!

See yourself.

Our pub was on the shore of a national park,

hundreds of miles from anywhere.

I reckon it was as close to paradise

as you can get.

Riding to work that day,

nothing seemed different from any other day.

At least that's what I thought at the time.

Good morning. I'd like to make a withdrawal.

It's a .44.

Check out the dickhead talking to a machine.

That's no dickhead.

That's Ned Kelly.

Oh, yeah!

I don't think so.

Ouch. Computer malfunction.

Bingo.

This is the Kelly Gang...

And I'd like to make a deposit.

Deposit?

Yeah. Deposit this money

amongst the bank accounts of any people who can't repay their loans.

And I want receipts, and I want 'em now.

Oui. Oui. I will get all the staff onto it.

All officers, take your positions.

It was then I heard something

you rarely hear in the middle of a bank robbery...

Shakespeare.

"If music be the food of love,

play on. Give me excess of it."

"If music be the food of love..."

And who are you?

Robin Banks.

I was earlier. Now I'm depositin'.

This is my lunch break.

I love american accents.

Excuse me.

I like the way you talk.

In fact, I like everything about America.

What you reading?

Shakespeare.

I hate flies.

Mr. Kelly, all the people's receipts.

Thanks, mate.

This time he's trapped.

Hey...

maybe I'll see you later.

I doubt it, cowboy.

Bye, Ned.

Wait for it.

What's the matter, boys?

♪ Robbin' people with a six-gun ♪

♪ I fought the law and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law and the law won ♪

♪ I needed money 'cause ♪

♪ I had none ♪

♪ I fought the law, and the ♪

♪ Law won ♪

♪ I fought the law ♪

♪ And the law won ♪

♪ I left my baby, and I feel so bad ♪

♪ I guess my race is run ♪

♪ She's the best girl that I ever had ♪

♪ I fought the law, and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law, and the-- ♪

♪ I lost my girl, and I lost my fun ♪

♪ I fought the law, and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law, and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law, and the law won ♪

♪ Hey, I fought the law, and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law, and the law won ♪

After him!

♪ I fought the law, and the law won ♪

♪ I said I fought the law... ♪

Of course, I didn't know it at the time,

but I'd just triggered off a chain of events

that was to threaten the very existence

of the Kelly Gang.

"...cannot see the pretty fall leaves that themselves commit,

or if they could, Cupid himself would blush."

The outlaw

dropped this.

Take it to Sir John's office immediately.

Ned Kelly has robbed yet another branch

of the International Trust Bank,

but this time his target was head office.

The bank's largest foreign investors

have responded by threatening to pack up

and go home.

However, locals are reacting quite differently.

Ned Kelly's deadly. He's great.

He's wonderful.

He's fabulous.

He gives us the cash.

He's got a great bike.

Since Ned Kelly has been depositing money

in our bank account,

I can afford more groceries.

Look.

Through the haphazard program

of redistributing money,

the Kelly Gang has effectively

lowered interest rates, cut inflation,

and raised the standard of living

for the average family.

Rotten bastards.

It's been Ned Kelly's complete disregard for authority

that has captured the Hearts of the People

and made him something of a national hero.

Yes?

Sir John, one of our young tellers

has some information regarding the robbery.

What is it?

Apparently this was dropped during the holdup.

Oh, Sir John.

There's also a Major Wib here to see you.

Yes. Come in.

Major Wib from Great Britain, sir.

Formerly of Her Majesty's personal guards.

Five years Scotland Yard,

three years Royal British Commandos.

Served with distinction special forces-- intelligence branch.

At your service, Vis-a-vis the Kelly problem.

That's very impressive, Major.

Thank you, Sir John.

I had the pleasure of being on duty at Buckingham Palace

the day you got your knighthood.

Oh, really?

Yes. Rah-rah poo-poo, sir.

It's about time we had a man

of your particular talents working exclusively for us

in the field of corporate banking.

If you'll pardon the pun, sir,

I plan to make a killing.

Thank you. That'll be all.

Please, Major.

Now, what do you make of this?

It's a toweling mat,

commonly used on the top of Australian hotel bars

for the absorption of beer spillage.

Looks like some sort of a rodent.

Is it a rat?

It's a kangaroo, sir.

The Glenrowan Hotel.

It's in a national park called Reckless Island.

No wonder the police can't track them down.

According to this, it's a remote wilderness.

Kelly would know that island like the back of his hand.

At the first sign of armed aggression,

he'd vanish into the bush and pick us off like flies.

Yes, you're right.

Major, the one thing you'll learn in business

is that almost anything can be achieved

by having good political connections.

Miss Twisty, draft a confidential fax

to the department of national parks.

Tell them that the bank will be acting

as the Sole Agent for the sale of Reckless Island.

Right away, Sir John.

You can't sell a national park.

Wib?

I'm going to turn Kelly's hideout

into a... japanese tourist resort.

♪ Met down by the jetty landing ♪

♪ Where the... ♪

♪ The others rated standing ♪

♪ Like Scott of the Antarctic ♪

♪ Base camp too far away ♪

♪ She don't like ♪

♪ That kind of behaviour ♪

♪ She don't like ♪

♪ That kind of behavior... ♪

For a Kelly, getting shot was an occupational hazard.

But I guess over the years we must have developed

some sort of natural tolerance.

Unfortunately, I still had to spend

a heck of a lot of time digging out bullets.

Good morning, ma'am.

How may the bank help you?

I'm taking out a loan.

Oh, my God.

It's the Hollywood Outlaw!

Aah!

Don't kill me.

I've never killed anyone.

I only shoot guns

from the hands of those who would...

Prefer to see me dead.

Now, hand over the money.

I've got some shopping to do.

Freeze, lady! Stay right where you are!

I regret the day

I let you put a video store here.

All you and that dog ever do

is watch that same dumb movie.

Hey! We were watching that.

I'm getting shot to pieces, and for what?

We got the biggest turnover of any bank robbers around

and we still can't afford to fix the pub.

Using stolen money for our own benefit

would be against every principle

upon which the Kelly Gang was founded.

Ohh...

Dan was right, of course.

The robbing from the rich and giving to the poor

wasn't easy like in Robin Hood's day.

I could use help with the stamps.

I used to deposit so much money

in so many people's bank accounts,

we could spend all afternoon mailing out receipts.

Oh, look.

I been shot in the lung again.

Of course, that was nothing

compared with my dad.

He was still listed

in the guinness book of world records

as the world's most frequently shot human being.

You're very lucky.

You've got your father's bulletproof constitution.

A little lower, I think, Uncle Dan.

That's it.

OK. Ready?

Yep.

Band-aids.

Ah, thanks.

Whew!

I gotta do something

about getting shot all the time.

And there it was--

a bulletproof garbage can.

- Aah! - Aah!

Come on, Ned. It's happy hour.

Pass the beer.

Hurry up, Ned.

Banks close at 5:00, you know.

Morning, Dog.

Ready?

Corn flakes.

No, fella.

Corn...

flakes.

Corn flakes.

Come on.

Talk.

Keep practicing.

Heh.

Mr. Kelly.

- Yes! - Yes! - Yes!

We're all Kellys, mate.

You have a letter.

A letter?

A letter?

"The International Trust Bank

"will be acting as Sole Agent for the sale of...

Reckless Island."

- What? - What?

According to this document,

our island is going to be relocated to...

Tokyo Bay, Japan.

What?

I loathe this weather.

I loathe this country.

Quite right, Sir John.

Ah, for a cold, Foggy, drizzly english morning, eh?

I reckon this flag needs a slight modification.

What the hell's going on in here?

That's the British flag!

Take it back to Britain.

You're a larrikin, Kelly.

You have absolutely no respect for authority.

You're not selling our island.

There's obviously an informer

working somewhere in the bank.

Hmm?

Well, they won't be working here for long.

We've brought in every birth certificate

of every Kelly who was born on Reckless Island.

Yeah.

They go back quite a long way.

It proves that the Kellys have lived there

in one form or another

for at least 40,000 years.

The first person

to land on the island

was an aborigine named Awaba Kelly.

This here's his birth certificate.

So what.

That makes Reckless Island

Kelly Tribal Land.

So us Kellys legally have first right of purchase.

Fine, but... you'll have to match

the japanese offer of $1 million.

No problem.

Oh, really?

You'll never raise the cash.

Aren't you forgetting something, mate?

The Kelly Gang robs banks.

Yes, but the Kelly Gang

gives all its money to the poor.

Ahem.

We were in deep trouble, all right,

so we headed to the Brewery

to do some thinking.

It was there that I found out

this wasn't the first time

Reckless Island had been under threat.

Legend has it

that it's about an ancient battle

in which the first inhabitants saved the island

from evil invaders.

No kidding.

It's all part of aboriginal mythology--

you know, Ned-- the dreaming.

I suppose it doesn't make any sense

in the modern world.

If we could make it make sense,

maybe everything that doesn't make sense

would make sense, eh?

Ah, you do enough dreaming

for everyone around here.

Slept in again, eh?

Yes. He was up all night.

I think he was building something.

♪ Wild thing ♪

♪ You make my heart sing ♪

♪ You make everything groovy ♪

♪ Oh, wild thing, yes ♪

What are you doing with that can on your head?

I'm going bank robbing.

You go robbing a bank in that garbage can outfit.

You'll wreck the entire image

of the Kelly Gang.

What are you wearing it for?

So I don't get shot. Aah!

With a bulletproof armor suit,

I can rob a lot of bank real fast

and buy the island back.

Any money the Kelly Gang gets in this country.

Belongs to the people of this country.

Why don't we rob banks in another country?

I'm telling you, for an outlaw,

America is the land of opportunity.

Even a little kid knows

that in America when people rob banks.

They get to keep all the money themselves.

You've been looking at too many movies.

Look, there's only one way to save this island.

It's called Free Enterprise.

Suddenly, I was on my way to the USA,

home of bank-robbing legends

like Jesse James, Bonnie and Clyde,

and the Hollywood Outlaw.

Uh...

What's the purpose of your trip to the United States?

Business.

Hold your fire!

Your accountants had hidden talents.

So, what's this big discovery of yours?

Ned Kelly has left the gang

and gone to America.

Why would he go there?

Money.

Yes, of course.

He's out of steal the million dollars

to buy Reckless Island himself.

Now he's all alone in a foreign country.

Think I'll pay him a visit.

Be careful! You mustn't use a gun yourself.

We're an International Bank.

We can't afford to be incriminated in America.

That's right. I'm a bank executive now.

Does, uh...

that mean I get to fly in the corporate jet?

"The lion, dying, thrusteth forth his paw

"and wounds the Earth,

"nothing else with rage to be o'erpowered.

"And wilt thou, pupil-like, take the correction?

"Mildly kiss the rod

"and fawn on rage with base humility,

which art alive..."

"in the king of beasts?"

"Good night, good night,

parting is such sweet Sorrow."

Sorrow.

Such sweet Sorrow.

"Parting is such sweet Sorrow.

Good night. Good night."

G'day.

What are you doing here?

I'm going to America.

What for?

Rob a few banks.

They say guys who carry guns

have a serious personality deficiency.

Huh?

It's a prop, a tool, a crutch.

If you know anything about bank robbing,

you'd know you need a gun.

Lucky this seat was empty, eh?

What are you doing up here, anyway?

Actually, I got fired

for trying to save an island.

No kidding.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do.

Someone from your bank

sent us a copy of a fax which--

It was you.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Nice pair of dolphins.

Hmm?

Uh, yeah. I think I'll go back to my book now.

Look, I'm really sorry you lost your job.

Well...

I wasn't cut out for banking anyway.

Maybe it was the best thing that could have happened.

Hmm.

Looks like we're heading to the same place.

Uh... no. No, um,

I'm changing planes in LA, going on to England.

I'm auditioning for a new drama school

at Stratford-upon-avon.

Are you an actress?

Well... someday.

Got a boyfriend?

Um, over the past few years,

spending every night with Shakespeare for me was Norm.

Norm who?

♪ Get your motor runnin' ♪

♪ Get out on the highway ♪

Lookin' for adventure ♪

♪ And whatever comes our way ♪

♪ In the town they call the big apple ♪

♪ Take the world in a love embrace... ♪

Hey! Wrong way, buddy!

Watch out!

You're on the wrong side of the road!

♪ We were born, born to be wild ♪

♪ We hit town so hard... ♪

Excuse me. I'm looking for Hollywood.

There's a sign.

It is written.

♪ Born to be wild ♪

♪ Born to be wild ♪

We got you surrounded!

Aah!

Drop the money, lady!

I'll cover you. Get on.

I'm not getting on that thing. It's filthy.

Hey. That money's not real.

And that bank's not real.

Hang on.

I know who you are.

You're the Hollywood Outlaw!

Cut it, Lyle.

Cut!

Sorry. We'll have to go again, everybody.

Can I...

have your autograph?

Mr. Delance!

I'm sorry, Chuck.

I have no idea how this happened.

Wait a minute.

You're a bloke.

Get those camera ready?

Rocket-head here rides up

and says, "Get on the bike."

Well, I'm an actor,

and that's a stuntman's job.

Hey. We'll shoot it over.

You're looking great, Chuck.

I can't perform anymore. I'm just too upset.

Oh, for crying out loud.

I don't care who your agent is.

I'll see that you never work

in this town again.

Who is this guy, anyway,

Tin Man from The Wizard of OZ?

The name's Kelly.

Ned Kelly.

I thought I must have landed on another planet.

Banks weren't banks, money wasn't money,

and my favorite actress turned out to be a man.

To save Reckless Island,

I needed to find a real bank, and fast.

♪ You're tormented by the futility of life ♪

♪ But I can see the stars ♪

♪ From a million miles ♪

♪ Are you out there somewhere? ♪

Hey, man, where'd you get that pile of junk?

Check out the metal-head.

What are you, undercover cop?

Bank robber.

All right.

Ahem.

Good evening!

How may we help you... Masked Man?

Well, if you're the loan arranger,

just hand over a million bucks.

You're more than welcome to what we've got.

We've got a weird one

holding up the Hollywood friendly bank.

Throw it up on the big screen.

That's him.

But be very careful, Lieutenant.

The most dangerous place on Earth

is between Ned Kelly and a bag of money.

Would you like a line of credit?

A credit account?

Credit card?

Cash.

Please, fill out this application form.

What for?

We don't get much call for cash.

We have to order some.

Sure I can't fix you up with plastic?

Sam, your dinner's ready.

But, Mom, it's a total fiasco.

This is where he shoots the guns

out fo the actors' hands,

with real bullets, for God's sake.

Those cops are supposed to be winning.

Look at that jerk. He's ruined the Climax.

He screwed up the movie.

I like him.

What?

He's a damn sight better.

Than those ham actors you hire.

Get a load of Chuck.

Mr. Delance!

Are you sure this gentleman

is doing an unrehearsed performance?

Absolutely.

He's an animal.

That's what I thought.

You better sign him up.

Sign him up?

Of course. What did you say his name was?

Uh... Kelly. Fred Kelly.

No, no, no. Ned Kelly.

Kelly. One of the great show business names.

Gene Kelly, Grace Kelly.

No kidding.

I'd better find this guy

before some other studio nabs him.

How'd the bank robbery go?

He signed you up for a credit card, right?

Right.

Listen, man, I'll give you some free advice.

Forget that bank-robbing gig.

The best way to get rich quick

is do what all the smart people are doing.

You got to get yourself into...

the entertainment business!

Ned, baby!

♪ In Hollywood, you'll steal the show ♪

♪ It's not what you do, it's who you know ♪

♪ The girls, the bucks, you'll have 'em all ♪

♪ When you're a star, they'll return your call ♪

♪ If you can just handle the fame ♪

♪ Ned Kelly will be a household name ♪

♪ You'll be riding in your limo ♪

♪ You'll be flying in your jet ♪

♪ Your name up in lights, your foot's in cement ♪

Jeepers, it's the cops.

♪ We'll trim your nose, we'll lift your butt ♪

♪ If you turn to flab, we'll liposuck ♪

Officers, ready to fire.

♪ If you can just handle the fame ♪

♪ Ned Kelly ♪

♪ Will be a household ♪

♪ Son of a gun lovin', fun lovin' ♪

♪ Bike ridin' ♪

♪ Bike ridin'... heartbreaker ♪

♪ Big faker ♪

♪ Ned Kelly ♪

♪ Will be a household name ♪

Nice jacket.

You're under arrest.

Hand over the guns, buddy,

or you'll be wearing metal

inside your head.

Hey, cop, America's a free country.

Every person has the right to bear arms.

Yeah.

You're about to be shot dead on Nationwide television.

No TV network would stoop so low.

Welcome to News Kill, live.

I'm here on Hollywood Boulevard,

where some wacko with a trash can on his head

is about to be blasted to pieces by the Hollywood police,

right before your very eyes.

OK, men, don't take any chances.

Put two bullets apiece in his head,

then we'll break for doughnuts.

Hey, what's the problem, Officer?

This guy's an international bank robber.

He's not a bank robber. He's an actor.

Huh?

An actor?

OK, boys, he's just an actor.

Let's go.

An actor?

That's right. And legally,

Hollywood police can't shoot actors.

If the police start shooting actors,

then the studios will close down.

If that happens, there's no more movies.

With no more movies,

people have got nothing to believe in.

Everyone gets depressed,

no one goes to work,

and the economy collapses.

Yes, yes. That's very sad.

Now find me some people

who can shoot actors.

I had to admit

that as an international bank robber,

I'd been a failure.

The only way to save the island now

was to pretend I was an actor.

Ned,

delance pictures is into action movies--

you know, macho heroes, sex, violence.

High turnover.

Big profits.

The quality of our movies is so high

that they bypass the theaters completely

and go straight to video.

Wow!

Do you want to know the secret

to making big money in video rental?

The answer is one word--

guns.

You see, guns aren't just guns.

They're a...

Phallic symbol.

Yeah.

The bigger the gun, the bigger the profit.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

Let me tell you what you're thinking.

You're thinking, how will I turn a nobody like you

into a big star?

Well, it's simple.

We're going to build you

the biggest goddamn gun in Hollywood.

But, Sam, aren't you forgetting something?

Over 60% of video renters are women.

Mom's right.

What the heck do the women want to see?

Women want a love story.

A love story...

with a big gun.

Brilliant.

It's got everything.

Ned, to be a movie star here,

you have to talk like an american.

For a million bucks, I'll talk like a martian.

A million bucks?

Hmm.

Tell you what I'll do.

When the movie's finished,

I'll pay you 1 million bucks.

You got a deal.

Mom, if we can just find the right actress

to play opposite Ned...

then every lovesick couple,

every lonely guy and gal,

every family in America

will be saying, "Let's rent a video!"

It's going to be a great movie.

It's called...

The Christian Cowboy.

It's about a gunslinging stranger

who cleans up Las Vegas

and falls in love with a beautiful nun.

Look, I could be accepted

into the newest Shakespearean drama school in England.

I won't throw that away

to be in some totally crass movie.

Bye. I got to run.

With your help, we can buy Reckless Island

and save it from ecological disaster.

You mean...

if I do this movie with you,

it'll save your wilderness?

It's the only chance we've got.

Look,

the head of the studio told me

he's got the best writer in Hollywood

working on the script,

so it'll probably be like Shakespeare.

Christian Cowboy, take 1.

♪ I want to thank my Jesus for the way that I feel ♪

♪ I'm so full of religion I just can't be still ♪

♪ I want to sing it and shout it ♪

♪ And let the people know ♪

♪ That I'm saved by his mercy ♪

♪ And I'm ready to go ♪

♪ That's why I'm happy ♪

♪ Yes, I'm happy ♪

♪ Happy on my way ♪

♪ Rejoicing and singing ♪

♪ His praises every dails ♪

♪ For Jesus is near me, and there he will stay ♪

♪ That's why I'm happy ♪

♪ Yes, I'm happy, happy on my way ♪

I repeat--

repent, sinners!

Jesus said...

gambling is Satan's tool.

Beware of the work of the devil,

or your souls will burn in the fires of hell!

Hey!

Look, dudes! Ha ha ha!

It's the Christian Cowboy!

Hah!

The word of the lord

is the only way to your salvation.

Prayer time, sinners!

Aah!

- Ow! - Aah!

Aah!

Uhh...

That's one way of doing it, I guess.

Oh, Reverend.

I thank the lord

you brought that... big gun to town.

Ma'am,

you're a fine-lookin' nun.

You better get thee to a nunnery.

Love this!

Cut it, Lyle.

Freeze, Mr. Kelly. Music down.

Turning off the blue screen.

Cut!

That's-- that's a wrap for day one.

Call tomorrow, 6am.

Fantastic.

Robin, you're a natural.

Ned, what's the scoop with your ad lib line--

"Better get thee to a nunnery"?

It was Robin's idea.

Uh, it's hamlet's line to Ophelia.

It's classic Shakespeare.

Who the hell's Shakespeare?

He's only the greatest english writer of all time.

Well, he'd better have an american work permit.

I don't want union trouble.

He died 400 years ago.

I thought it sounded stale.

Let's stick to Bernie's script.

You're on another winner, Bernie.

Thanks. I'm adding some extra violence.

If it's 400 years old,

that means legally all his stuff is out of copyright.

What are you saying?

It's free.

Hey, Bernie,

on second thought,

there may be something to this Shakespeare stuff.

Get some of his old scripts

and freshen them up.

Who are you?

Big Mac...

Beth.

To blow your head off

or...

not blow your head off--

that is the question.

That's the last of 'em.

How can the sisters of Las Vegas

ever repay you for cleanin' up

the rottenest town in the west?

Well, ma'am,

you could kick that habit and marry me.

Ohh, yes!

Amen.

Cut!

Lost somethin'?

Yeah.

My driver.

Where you headin'?

To my hotel.

I'll give you a ride.

There you go.

Thanks, mister.

No worries.

Oh!

Climb on.

♪ As love rides up ♪

♪ It's though a lone ranger ♪

♪ Changed you into somethin' ♪

♪ Rich and strange ♪

♪ Stranger than fiction ♪

♪ Truth or the dare ♪

♪ I say, when you come down ♪

♪ You say, come down from where? ♪

♪ Riding to the future would be easy for you ♪

♪ To fall into your heart would be easy to do ♪

♪ Love doesn't come as you like it ♪

♪ Love your rocket dreams ♪

♪ Repossess your soul... ♪

♪ Love doesn't come as you like it ♪

♪ Ain't no other Cupids ♪

♪ Arrow can't go through ♪

♪ No woman is an island ♪

♪ Not even you ♪

♪ Standin' here together... ♪

Thanks for the ride.

I'll see you. In makeup. Ciao.

Oh, wait.

Why don't I lend you this?

Thanks.

I got to go.

Bye.

Bye.

"All the world's a stage,

and all the men and women merely players."

"They have their exits

and their entrances."

"And each person in time

plays many parts."

Wrap the set.

OK, wrap it, and thank you.

She'll sleep with anything.

She's sleeping with the director.

So am I.

What?

Hollywood.

What a place.

One day you're a bank robber,

the next day you're a movie star.

All I had to do was finish the movie,

and I'd have the money.

I knew everyone back home had been countin' on me.

It was time to tell 'em the good news.

Lights, camera, action!

You're the star

of a happy Hollywood video letter.

Your 20 second starts... now.

Hi, Dan.

Hi, Joe.

Ooh.

Video letter.

What is it?

Hmm.

Hi, Dan. Hi, Joe.

It's Ned!

I think he's wearing makeup.

You don't reckon he's turned kinky, do you?

Guess what.

I'm an actor.

Gee.

The time's nearly up.

Well...

I just wanted you blokes to know

that when I finish my movie,

I'll be gettin' 1 mi--

Get away. No photographs.

Shoo!

Come on, Ernie.

Let's get some autographs.

Any stars coming in this mornin'?

G'day, Ralph.

G'day, mate. Mr. Kelly.

Can I have your autograph?

Sure.

Please write, "To Hank."

I really admire what you do.

I could never be an actor.

I'd be too afraid.

Uh, make mine out, "To Ernie."

Ms. Banks,

will you be moving into a secret Hollywood love nest,

and if so, with who?

Hey! There he is!

Where? Where?

Ned...

Do you like carrots?

Yeah.

Mr. Kelly, don't you feel

your gratuitous use of guns on screen

is helping to create a more dangerous society?

From an intellectual basis--

Let me handle this.

Hey, smarty-pants, where you from?

New York.

- Oh! - Oh!

Well, here in Hollywood,

it's personality questions only.

Mr. Kelly,

what color underpants do you wear?

Black.

Ooh!

Outrageous.

You better get into makeup.

I'd like to ask Mr. Kelly another question.

Go take a meeting.

Hey, buddy, watch your language.

Why don't you keep in touch?

You keep in touch.

You keep in touch.

You keep in touch!

You keep in touch!

No!

You keep in touch!

I'm not gonna keep in touch,

'cause you can keep in touch!

I got Ned Kelly's autograph.

That wasn't Ned Kelly.

Who are you?

I'm the president of the Ned Kelly...

Fan Club.

And that wasn't him.

Who was it, then?

A thief.

He stole Ned Kelly's identity.

Well, he signed Ned Kelly's name.

Yeah. He wrote mine, too.

Look. "To Ernie."

If he wrote your name,

then he's stolen your identity, too.

What do you mean?

When your identity's been stolen,

you're no longer yourself.

You've got no personality.

You're nobody.

I want my identity back.

Automatic.

Silencer.

Semiautomatic.

Price check.

Man targets.

Regular size.

You have no choice.

He's stolen your identity, aren't he?

Maybe. I--

I haven't been feeling myself lately.

Man target's on special-- 9.05!

That's the way they operate.

We believe he's an alien,

possibly from another planet.

It's time to make our move.

Wib, are you prepared?

Absolutely, Sir John.

My people here are fully trained.

All we need to do now

is get our friend in a public place alone.

Ned, the eyelashes are a big improvement.

You're looking great.

By the way,

the women want to see you wearing a mustache.

Don't shoot, mister.

It's only popcorn.

Sorry. I thought you were going to shoot us.

Ned Kelly, one of these days

you're going to kill somebody with this thing!

Guns don't solve problems,

they create them.

You don't need a gun.

You're addicted.

You're a gun addict.

I'm not addicted.

I haven't fired a shot all day.

I can give these things up anytime I want.

Anytime at all.

Feels good.

Ah.

Overstretched and undercapitalized.

Good.

Miss Twisty,

let's send a fax.

A fax?

This fax just came through.

I'm so sorry.

I can't pay you your money.

They've frozen our accounts.

They've foreclosed on all his loans.

They're going to sell us off.

Who's done this?

Our bank, of course.

Bank?

Which bank?

- Aah! - Aah!

Come on, let's try again.

This is hopeless.

It's solid steel.

Hello?

Hello?

Dog, how are you?

It's Ned.

Slow down.

What are you doing?

Talking to my dog.

Now, listen. Listen to me carefully.

Where is Dan?

Good dog.

Is the dog talking back?

Sort of.

Stop kidding around, Dog.

Where's Dan?

Dog?

Dog?

Hello?

Dog?

Ned, there's a call for you.

Hello?

Just letting you know that if you're planning a trip home,

you'll need a Japanese Visa

because I'm exporting Reckless Island

tomorrow.

What's wrong?

A bunch of blokes in gray suits are talking my home.

Organized crime.

It's worse than that.

They're corporate bankers.

Here's your money, Ned.

Holy cow.

Mom's been laundering the company's money.

I knew that sooner or later,

borrowing all that money would catch up with you,

so I have been putting aside a little something each week.

If you guys are broke,

I couldn't take that money.

You must save your wilderness.

Ned, it's yours. You earned it.

Besides, we need much more than $1 million

to save the studio.

The only way we can stay in show business now

is to beat that bank.

And no one has ever beaten a bank.

Well, there was a first time for everything.

That bank was stealing my home.

They'd hurt my friends and beaten up my dog.

Enough was enough.

You're not coming. It's too dangerous.

Mr. Kelly,

the flight to Australia is boarding immediately.

Better hurry.

So don't bother arguing anymore.

I'm not arguing anymore.

Will you give me a ticket, please?

You two are traveling together?

- No. - Yes.

How nice.

Try it again.

Come on. Come on.

There.

All right.

OK, you're all clear.

Thank you.

Have a nice flight.

All right, next, please.

Oh, look, your fans came to say goodbye.

Hi.

Kelly!

Bon voyage.

Fare time, alien.

♪ I'd like to feel my finger on your trigger ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ I know that nobody can do to your heart ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ Happiness is a warm gun, yes, it is ♪

♪ Happiness is a warm gun, yes, it is ♪

It's done.

Two bullets point-blank range.

I'm on my way back.

Good.

That's the last we'll see of Ned Kelly.

Hey, look! The bullets have hit the cross!

Amen.

My plan was simple.

Give the bank the money

and kick them off the island.

Anyway, I figured Sir John had to be bluffing.

You can't export an island.

It's impossible.

Charges have been laid

under the ocean and across the spit.

The explosions will fracture

the rock strata beneath the surface,

breaking the island off from the mainland.

Then an ocean-going tugboat

will simply tow it to Japan.

Won't the island just sink?

Not with the latest Japanese technology.

They've fitted the island

with a series of subsurface stabilizers

to provide it with flotation during the voyage.

Well, it's really creating

an offshore asset!

- Aah! - Aah!

Hut-2, hut-2, hut-2, hut-2!

Hut-2, hut-2, hut-2, hut-2!

Hut-2, hut-2, hut-2, hut-2!

Gentlemen, up until now,

the best undeveloped real estate

has been located in the most remote places on Earth.

Our bank is about to prove

that cheap wilderness can be exported

to the world's most wealthy industrialized countries.

Aah!

There's heavily armed bankers out there, and you've given up guns.

What can you do by yourself?

Trust me.

Ned, I might not ever see you again,

so whatever happens, I...

Robin, I know what I'm doing.

Now what?

Yes, the island is yours.

Sayonara!

We're moving!

You've all done an excellent job.

I'd like you to stay on board the island

until it's safety reached international waters.

Fly me back to the bank.

I'll refuel the helicopter, sir.

It's Ned Kelly!

The island stopped moving!

Aah!

Shoot them both.

Fire!

Inside! Quick!

Ohh!

- Aah! - Aah!

- Aah! - Aah!

Aah!

He's ricocheting bullets with that rubbish bin suit.

Put down your guns before you kill yourselves.

Ow!

Ned.

The pub's on fire.

Ned's out there, and he's in trouble.

I can feel it.

Wake up, Dan.

You're daydreaming.

You're daydreaming. You're daydreaming...

Yeah.

Day... dreaming.

Aah!

1...

- Aah! - Aah!

Aim for his head!

Don't go out. It's suicide.

We can't stay here either.

Let's take all the beer we can carry

and get out the back way.

You're not deserting Ned, are you?

Aim for his legs!

Legs?

We'll finish him off.

Hold fire!

We'll move in and shoot him in the head.

Now!

- Aah! - Aah!

I quit!

I resign.

My head hurts.

Here's your money.

Now get off our island.

Welcome home.

Aah!

Ha ha!

You business people don't know when to stop.

Remove your helmet.

Unless you have friends in Heaven, Kelly,

you're out of luck.

Such is life.

Amen.

It looks like you broke your dad's record

for getting shot.

Congratulations! Ha ha!

Guns?

Looks like the Kelly Gang's back in business.

Yeah...

show business.

♪ Oh, faith ♪

♪ You've got to have faith ♪

♪ Oh, faith ♪

♪ You've got to have faith ♪

When you think about it,

what possible reason is there

for a grown man to need a gun?

Captioned by Grantman Brown