Original subtitles

And this Recession's been great.

When people want less, they turn to us!

What's bad for America is good for Party Down.

So on behalf of myself, Bolus Lugoshze,

and the main office,

I say, free food and booze!

Yay.

And this year, we're catered!

Welcome to he fifth annual

Party Down Company Picnic!

Yeah!

Shit.

So, I've thought about what happened last night--

and I was thinking that,

that we have two options-- Yeah?

The first option being that we just

write it off as a drunken indiscretion

and we decide that we're never ever going to do it again.

Right. Done.

And the second option is-- What?

I break up with Uda?

Only if that's what you want.

I mean, we can also just fool around every once in a while.

Yeah, see, there are two options--

Two options.

Yeah, I mean--

Y'know, next time I see Uda,

I could talk to her.

And say what?

I don't know.

Shit.

Ron, are you wearing a fucking tie?

To a company picnic?

I'm not here for fun, I'm here to seize an opportunity.

Roman, the key to success is being ready to act

when an opportunity arises.

Fact. Alan Duk was just

sentenced to four months for welfare fraud,

transferred ownership of Party Down

to Bolus Lugozsh, operations manager.

Fact, with Bolus in the top slot,

operations manager is wide open.

Fact, I'll be the only one here who spent

all last week camped out at Kinkos preparing an in depth,

professional grade presentation for said job.

Ergo, fact, I am perfectly positioned to--

You wearing a tie?

Hello, Mr. Lugozshe. Hey, Sport.

You shouldn've been circulating those two minutes ago--

These people are cretins.

This is the worst function we ever worked!

Worse than Fred Durst's birthday? Suck it up, Bracken,

we're professionals.

Kale, what is it about "more weiners"

That you do not understand?

Uda!

Hey, saw the van,

I thought I'd say hi.

Sato, a Heineken, then outside.

Thanks.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry I didn't tell you we were working this function,

but I realized I've never surprised you, so--

You look surprised, I did it.

How was the theater thing?

Oh, whatever--

Tell me what happened.

Nothing happened, what do you--?

Dog shit or human shit?

Use a stick, burn the garment, bleach everything.

Henry, we need to talk.

Talk? What do you--?

About us.

Between work and Bryce's school,

and our schedules, I feel we're growing distant--

Yeah okay, 'cause, you know, actually,

I wanted to talk to-- Just listen.

I don't want us to be like that.

And Bolus Lugozshe was just in here

with an interesting offer that might concern us both.

Okay

Excuse me, there's a hair on my miniburger.

Right here.

Little advice from a fellow caterer,

usually when we handle the food, we don't use our vaginas.

That's good!

"Fellow caterer?" That's funny.

That is rich. Why is that funny?

You think because you're better looking, you're a better caterer?

Looks have nothing to do with it.

Good thing for you, 'cause you're not better looking than me.

I'm better looking than him, and her.

And everyone else here.

And we're better waiters.

That guy is not better looking than me.

No, no, of course not, darling.

You're much better looking.

You too, Roman.

Look, Escapade, want to try some nice watermelon?

You can't tell me what to do anymore!

God.

The non-stop hormonal shitstorm.

Glad I'm not a girl.

She fired me.

As her manager.

A great picnic, Mr. Lugozshe.

Perfectly planned, well executed--

Don't stop eating, I'll just need

a "hotdog's wort"" of your time.

Mr. Lugoszhe, since returning to Party Down

after running my own business, I've worked hard.

Worked smart, worked hard and--

Worked hard, dammit.

My point being, I think once you see my materials,

that I made up, you'll--

Shit.

that hard and smart are exactly what you need

in an operations manager--

If this is about the job, Don,

there's nothing to talk about.

Ron. But I think if you look at the materials, sir--

Fuck.

--auditions and stuff, I mean that's just part of it,

Just as important is networking.

Where you go out, who you see, who sees you.

See, my mom doesn't know any of this stuff.

Yeah, okay. This is key.

Sky Bar Mondays,

Cherry Tuesdays,

Wednesday nights is Bar Marmont.

How old are you?

Fourteen.

Okay, do not tell them that.

Oh, and do you shave your arms?

Three hits, one homer.

Who knew I was fucking awesome at kickball?

Awesome. For a girl.

Stick around, see how a man does it.

Jesus, who is that asshole?

Garlan Greenbush.

Company picnic all-around champ two years running.

Guy's a winning machine.

What's "all around?"

You know, whoever gets most points

in all the picnic games.

Stupid.

Is there a trophy?

Come on, Trace, you're up!

You a religious man? No.

Yeah, me, too, but sometimes I wonder.

Why do some succeed and others,

who work hard and work smart, just don't?

I mean, is there an order to things,

Or is, is the Universe--

unfair?

I don't know.

Oh, why, why, why?

Why, why, why why why why?

Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I'm totally uncoordinated,

I am so sorry, please don't sue my dad.

Your dad? Why would I sue your dad?

Well, 'cause he owns the company.

Bolus Lugozshe is your dad?

Yes. Are you okay?

No, it really hurts--

Oh my god, can you speak?

Yes, I'm speaking right now.

You are.

So, load the trays, spiral pattern,

overhand carry once around the barrel,

around the bench and back.

Set tray, open beers,

pour standard two thirds,

points deducted for excess head.

And of course, any spills, instant disqualification--

Yeah, dude, we got it. Just prepare to lose, 'Kay?

Hey, you guys seen Casey anywhere? No.

What are you doing? Catering race.

These guys are talking shit, we're gonna teach 'em a less.

Yeah we are. Oh, so on your day off,

you turn your shitty job into a contest?

Do you guys want to put money on it?

Fuck yeah, let's make it interesting.

What've you got, Kyle?

Four bucks. Four bucks?

What do you have, Henry? Nope.

Okay, so, nine bucks on it.

Now it's interesting.

Gentlemen, take your trays.

Fuck yeah! Come on, Kyle!

These guys suck!

No we don't.

Waiters set? Go.

Let's go Kyle. Go, go, go!

Come on, Sado.

Come on Kyle, go Kyle!

Come on! Kyle, come on!

The lead, keep the lead!

Come on, Kyle.

That's a forfeit, man.

Oh, man.

Not only are you guys ugly, you're dumb!

Oh, we're dumb? You owe us nine bucks, bitch.

Yeah, bitch.

You guys suck. At everything.

Fucking hate them.

This is it, dog, this is it, bro!

Come on, you think you got what it takes?

You don't! HORSE, motherfucker!

Oh, you got second place.

That's not bad.

For a girl.

You telling me you threw a perfect game of HORSE?

Yeah, and guess what else?

I'm gonna win the all around.

Oh. That's right.

Garlan Greenbush.

What kind of name is that, anyway?

Seriously, are you, like,

an unemployed wizard or something?

A wizard of this.

You're a wizard of making women uncomfortable.

No, I'm a lead guitarist. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, see, and that's an actual move.

And that's your band?

Pilvdryzt?

Pile. Driverz.

Like what's gonna happen to you.

You step into the ring with me,

and you are entering--

A world of shit.

I'm sure that applies to doing just about anything with you.

See you at the three legged race, Garlan.

I was a crew member, and team leader.

You know, I know the company, I ran my own Soup'R Crackers.

Really? I loved Soup'R Crackers!

Really? I was shocked when they went bankrupt.

I mean, when I think bad economy,

I think Soup Kitchens, breadlines--

All you can eat salad, I know!

Did it bleed?

This's my only good shirt,

I don't have a backup.

No, but there's a bump.

Oh, no. That's always been there,

they don't know what it is.

I was going to present this to your dad,

but now with my spine the way it is,

I just, I don't feel 100%.

I can totally show it him.

Yeah? Yes!

That would be great, that would be great.

Oh wait, but he already offered the job

to the woman from Valhalla catering--

Uda Bengt? Shit.

Crap, well, why did I even bother--

Wait, no, I mean, if you really want to,

I've got another idea!

Hey. Can I interest you

in a three-legged race?

So, I talked to her.

Yeah?

And she offered me a job--

What do you mean she offered you a job?

To work for her at the main office.

Better pay, regular hours, 401K.

The whole thing.

She said she wants to make "us" work.

Yeesh.

I mean, I went in there ready to break it off with her,

but then she just starts saying all this crazy shit.

Do you want that stuff?

I don't know, I don't even know if that's the question.

Y'know, I mean, I want a million dollars

and a giant house,

but when is it dumb to give up something

st to role the dice?

And I'm the dice--?

I don't know, I mean--

She gave me this.

What's this?

Her kid did it for me.

What's this supposed to be?

It's me. I didn't even think he liked me,

but he drew me-- He drew you with a giant boner.

No, he didn't, that's an arm--

Attached to your crotch?

He's not Rembrandt, he's five--

Oh yeah. That is a boner.

Well, what you have to understand is that

Hollywood is a raw Darwinian struggle

pitting assholes against other assholes.

If you want to get anything done, you're gonna have to be

the biggest asshole you can be.

Which is why I struggle,

I'm just, I'm too nice--

Hurry up, you stupid queer!

You know?

Secret of success--

When opportunity arises, be the bigger asshole.

The bigger asshole.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

We got-- Oh, we got this!

We got it, we got it!

Oh my goodness!

You dickless weenis!

No, put an asterix next to it, okay?

Because my real partner pulled a hammy, so--

Is this an excuse contest?

Is it? 'Cause you're good.

See you, Garlan.

Do over!

Do over, you stupid fuck!

This is insane!

Company code of conduct provision number five states

"Employees must conduct themselves in a civil manner. Foul language, drug use,

and lewd behavior are grounds for dismissal.

Biggest my dad ever freaked out was when

he found pot in my room.

You smoke pot? No.

I quit.

I mean, I'm trying, to quit.

I am stoned right now, but just a tiny bit.

Okay.

I'm gonna sneak in, put this in Uda's bag--

Right, then if somebody comes, I call you,

I got the number on my cell phone, got it in my head.

Okay.

Wait, hold on!

Why are you doing this?

I mean, it was just a horse shoe to the back--

No, it wasn't.

You worked really hard on that preposal, Ron.

I mean, there's gotta be some order to the Universe,

right?

Here we go. Maybe.

Maybe there is an order to the Universe.

Ron. Why're you standing there?

I'm not, I'm just enjoying

the party, Uda. Do it elsewhere.

This is a service lane--

I can hang out wherever--

Uda!

I did want to talk to you about something--

I hear you're up for operation manager.

What about it?

Just, surprised, you know,

I always thought Party Down was beneath you?

Who told you?

No one. Was it Henry?

No.

Yes.

Well, did he have a reaction?

You know Henry, it's hard to tell--

You know him very well, Ron, was he pleased?

Or was he uncomfortable?

Uncomfortable? Why would he be uncomfortable?

He didn't do anything-- Tell me what happened.

Nothing happened! It was a theater party,

and I for one would know what would happen--

Test the fabric, then spread it on the vomit.

What does that mean, Ron?

Nothing. Nothing. Henry's didn't do anything, okay?

He didn't even tell me about the job.

So--

Hey, hold on!

Stop it, hey, Danielle!

Stop, somebody's coming!

Those are available at the party.

Okay, I'm higher than I thought.

Another thing. Your shirt.

What is that, like, Target or something?

See, your look is key.

What do you think about this shirt?

It's cool. Like, casual, but cool.

Yeah, see, that's my image right there.

300 bucks.

These jeans, a grand.

Really? They're so cool.

My manager's gay, and he thinks I'm gay,

so he gives me a ton of gifts, lots of stuff.

So your mom needs to be like totally

spending way more on your clothes.

Hey, everybody, how's it going?

Picnic.

Mom, I'm talking to Kyle, here.

Keep going.

Is that beer--?

You're not my manager anymore,

so, if you speak to me again,

I'm gonna hitch-hike home with a maniac.

C'mon, Kyle. Copy that.

Okay, well.

It only gets worse.

My daughter just quit on me.

On her own mother?

What did she do?

Singing shoe.

What is that?

Discount Shoe Center.

We run local ads,

she was our singing shoe.

Huh?

Five, four,

Three, two, one!

And, stop!

No. I win! I win!

And the winner of the hot dog eating contest is

Garlan Greenbush! Yes!

And the overall winner on points

is Casey Klein!

Yeah, yeah!

Hear you may join us at the main office?

Capital of North Dakota.

What? Bismark.

Bone up on your trivia.

We're a crazy bunch over there.

Ah, trivia.

What's green and falls up?

That's not trivia.

Hey. Hey.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry. Sorry.

Look at it, it looks just like gold.

How's it feel to be a winner?

So good, like really good.

Okay, break it up, guys.

We've taken all we can take from these Valhalla assholes.

Maybe they are better caterers.

Maybe they are better looking--

No, you know what, they're not better looking--

No, they're not better looking than you, Kyle,

or you, Roman. Thank you.

But on aggragate, they're better looking.

Okay, we need to teach these guys a lesson.

Just because you're better looking

and more talented, does not mean you're better.

How do we teach them a lesson?

By kicking their ass at Kickball.

Oh my God!

Yeah! Who's in?

I'm in. I'm in.

Fuck 'em in the ass!

One, two, three!

Fuck 'em in the ass!

Kyle.

I was thinking, since it's American,

and a ball game, Escapade should sing the national anthem.

Hey sloth, hurry up, let's go.

Yeah, uh-- Yeah, that sounds--

Kyle, she won't talk to me, I need you to get her to sing!

Lydia, we're going to play a game--

[ incoherrent squealing ]

Cut your-- The fuck?

Are you insane?

This is a $300 shirt!

And this was $1.29 at Target.

And it'll cost me a quarter to call your manager

and tell him you're not gay.

So get her to sing, shit morsel.

♪ And the rockets red glare, ♪

♪ the bombs bursting in air, ♪

♪ gave proof through the night ♪

Look at this little thing, she's a trible threat,

She sings, dances, acts--

she's beautiful.

She'd be adorable as a shoe.

Woo! ♪ And the home ♪

♪ of the brave ♪

Finally, can we go kill these bastards, already?

Let's do it. Yeah!

Ready? Yes.

Hey, so, uh,

They're roping you into this too?

It's my team. And I was all state soccer in highschool.

You have ketchup on your collar.

Check this out!

I'm gonna kill 'em!

Run, run you dolt!

Look, I'm on a base! You're out.

I did it, what? It's like baseball.

But I'm on the base. Same rules.

What're you talking about? Well, I was at the base

with the ball when you got here, you're out!

It's all right, it's all right.

Get off the field.

Okay.

That's all right, that's all right.

Tie game, motherfucker.

Dude, you're not pitching--

Yeah. No.

Fuck off, I got the wicked spin.

See, I think this is where'd I'd just stop.

I like "tied," it's a good feeling--

No, no, no, now that I'm a winner, I can't stop winning,

That's all I wanna do, I'm addicted to winning!

Look at me, come on!

You're on the board.

All right, let's go team, all right Party Down.

Three up, three down!

Do this. Don't fuck it up!

Fuck off.

Let's go, buddy, now!

I got it, got it!

Throw it home, home!

What are you-- throw the ball!

Okay--

Did we get 'em? Are we celebrating, or are they celebrating?

They are celebrating.

Come on, get in there!

You know what to do.

We got this, we got this you guys,

we got this, three up three down!

Let's crush 'em!

We got this one!

Let's do it!

She's got nothing, man!

Hey.

Hey.

Ron! Ron!

I snuck back in and got it!

I put the stuff in, we just have to show my dad--

Thank you.

Maybe that horseshoe that hit me in the spine

was guided by God himself.

Ron!

Oh, shit!

Ron, Ron, are you okay?

Somebody help him!

All right guys, so, we're calling the game on account of injury.

It's a tie.

It's not a tie, we're winning.

We're going by the rulebook here.

You can forfeit, if you want.

Not like you losers aren't used losing.

Let us find a replacement.

Yeah, let us replace our guy.

We'll finish the game, and may the best team win.

Sure. It won't make a difference.

Hey, what're you doing?

A ringer! We're gonna win this.

We're gonna be winners!

Hey, Greenbush.

Greenbush!

It's fuckin' Skynard.

Always puts me in a weird space, you know?

Listen--

I know you lost the trophy after three years.

I know that's hard for you.

You don't have to apologize for you're feelings.

Not to me.

What, you come here to gloat?

No, I didn't.

I came her to ask for your help.

Fat chance, you fucking cheating douche whore bitch.

Slut.

Listen to me, I will surrender the trophy

to you, if you just get off your ass

get on the field, do your thing,

and be a goddamn hero.

What do you say?

Definitely get the trophy back?

It'll be like you never lost it.

Get it done, come on Garlan!

Come on, Garlan!

Bases loaded.

Shit.

Go, go, go, go, go!

What happened?

The hell was that?

That wasn't necessary!

Goddammit!

Hey!

I got you some ice. Are you okay?

I think so. Thanks.

When you said that earlier, about how you feel like

God threw the horseshoe, did you really mean that?

Oh, Danielle,

I always thought that there was no one

like me in the world, you know?

And then you come along and you're proactive,

and you think outside the box.

You were just as shocked about Soup'R'Crackers as I was,

and, you throw a horseshoe in my back, I mean,

that can't be random chance, can it?

RON: Ow! Ow! Ow!

Stop, stop, stop!

No, don't, don't stop, don't stop.

Oh, oh, stop stop, no, no, no, no.

Don't stop, don't stop!

Son of a bitch.

There's no order to the Universe.

I can't believe I gave up my trophy

just so I could be a loser again.

Awesome game, guys.

Go fuck yourself.

Oh my God, I'm gonna be on TV!

My little singing shoe! This is so great!

Okay, now let's talk about my deal.

I would like a two year exclusive as your manager,

full wardrobe approval, and of course pay wise,

we'll just do the traditional 50/50 split.

Hey, where're you going?

To roll the dice.

This is from Uda Bengt's bag?

Yes. Joints. Marijuana joints.

Uda Bengt's a pothead?

I'm really surprised.

I know, I know, you'd think that she'd be

someone who follows ethical guidelines,

especially number five,

which states, uh--

She just turned the job down.

Are you trying to bribe me, Ron?

Yes, you are!

Hey.

So, I was thinking we should talk.

Yes, actually, me, too--

Just listen.

I'm not taking the job.

It's not right for me, it's not right for you,

and I don't think this is what you want.

This, meaning, the job--?

Yes. Okay.

You're not a good team leader.

You don't want it.

But that's no what I wanted to talk to you about.

You can't be good at something you're not interested in.

I'm sorry, are we still talking about work?

Now I'm talking about us.

I'm not blind.

And it's clear you have a more natural relationship

with Casey and the others

than you ever did with me,

and I don't want to be just a job for you--

Okay, stop just, for a sec.

Uda, look, I think--

I think we should break up.

Was that what you were going to say?

Yeah.

Good, then we're in agreement.

I hope we can remain friends.

And, I'm sorry, Uda--

It's fine. Don't worry about me.

You're not the only man in the world,

even if Bryce did like you.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think he did.

I don't think that's an arm.

Nope, that's your dick.

Hey, Ron.

Yeah?

You have any interest in leading the team?

What, team leader? Really?

I don't think it's really what I want to be doing.

With the raise and the benefits and everything?

No. Just, title and responsibilities.

Yes, yes!

Yes. Good.

Danielle!

Danielle, can I call you sometime?

I got your number in my head.

Yes, absolutely, that'd be great.

Oh my God, Ron, listen,

if a guy answers my phone, just hang up,

that's my fiancee.

You're engaged.

I know, it's kind of a drag.

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