Original subtitles

♪ Beans don't burn in the kitchen ♪

Whoo!

♪ Fish don't burn on the grill ♪

♪ Took a whole lot of tryin' ♪

Yeah, just to get off that.. Whoo!

♪ But now I'm up in the big league ♪

♪ Get my turn at base.. ♪♪

♪ Me and you baby ain't nothin' wrong with that ♪♪

- Hello, Mrs. Pay-- - Whoo! Whoo!

Announce yourself when you come in here.

Hell, I was about to go in my purse..

[imitates gunshot]

- Whoo! - Well, I'm sorry, okay?

Alright, mama ain't with all that kissin' now.

Go about your business. Whoo!

So, what are you up to, Mrs. Payne?

I'm cookin', but I guess

you wouldn't know nothin' about that

Ms. Modern-Business-Woman.

I can cook, Mrs. Payne, I just, you know

I just don't always have the time.

So that's why I bought Martin these frozen dinners.

Microwave dinners!

Girl, don't you know all them waves cause terminal illness.

Hell, want to shave the boy's head, right now?

[mumbles]

Mrs. Payne, look, Martin understands that I'm busy, okay?

[sighs] And besides, he likes those.

Oh, that's because you're distracting the boy

with all them little naked dresses you wearin' around him.

Got him lookin' every which a way, but down at his plate.

You workin' that..

...whip appeal on him, girl.

Mrs. Payne, what can I do to help us all get along?

Girl, first, you can watch your damn attitude with mama.

That's what you can do. 'Cause I'm..

Second, you can learn how to make my baby better food.

Third..

Loan mama $60.

- Oh, you need $60? - Just $60.

That's fine, I can help out, no problem.

See, right here, it's my last.

- But, hey. There you go. - Ooh! Goodness.

They nice and crisp, too. Ooh!

[chuckles]

You ain't selling nothing on the side, are you?

This ain't no trickin' money, is it, I want no trickin' money.

No!

Alright, well, you know, mama don't know.

I don't see you half the nights. I don't know.

Ooh, well look, I got to get ready to get out of here.

Girl, you got my sugar all up. You know, I'm on insulin, right?

And look, I'll get this back to you as soon as possible.

Alright? Okay.

Ooh!

Hey, get your lazy butt up and get in the kitchen, girl.

And learn how to make some real food.

Your microwave ain't half a..

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence yeah ♪

How y'all doin'?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence yeah ♪

He's so crazy!

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence yeah ♪

How y'all doin'?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Come on, baby, we're going to be late for church.

Badass!

Ooh!

Doin' the Joseph Jefferson, boy.

Alright.

Am I lookin' good for the Lord?

- 'Oh, yeah.' - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.

And Cole's looking all good for the girls up in the choir.

- Oh...got the.. - Oh. Ah-hah!

We going to my church, right? 'Cause Dr. Dawson can preach.

No, no, Tommy, it is too hot in your church.

Only thing I'll be praying for is air conditioning, no.

Hey, you guys, let's go to my church.

They serve really good chicken dinners afterwards.

- Okay. - So, okay.

They serve a little too much.

Those girls at your church are

a little too heavy, even for me, Pam.

Yeah, that's true, Pam, they need

to take in a little less communion

and a little more Dick Gregory, just a sip.

[laughing] That's it.

Does it really matter what church we go to, guys?

Yes, it matters a lot.

You see, there are some churches that are there to serve God

and there's other churches are there to serve themselves.

- How Tommy? - Alright.

You say in Ebenezer, right?

They got the love offering, the joy offering

the peace offering, but never than often

the pastor..

♪ Need-a-new-pair-of- shoes-offerring yeah ♪♪

- Hey! Hey! - Uh..

Stop it! Stop it, stop it Martin!

- You're going to be-- - I felt somethin'.

- 'Don't play with God.' - I felt somethin'.

Hey, hey, that reminds me, Pam, when the plate comes around

could you cover for me, please?

What, Gina, didn't you go to ATM last night?

Yes, girl, but I loaned my money to Martin's mother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Gina.

What are you doing giving my mother money.

Y'all don't even like each other.

I know, but what was I supposed to do? She asked me.

Speaking of which, I didn't really want to say anything

but, um, your moms, she bummed 20 bucks

from my moms a few days ago.

- Oh. - Get outta here, what?

And moms is mad about that, 'cause she still can't get

a wig of layaway.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Do you mean to tell me that my mother is borrowin'

all this money from all y'all, why didn't you tell me?

Because we didn't want you to get upset, Martin.

Look, that's why I didn't tell you when I started pushing

that, that shopping cart, full of empty bottles and cans

down Main Street.

Yo, not my moms, hell no. I got to find out what's up.

Maybe we should go see your mother after church.

No, we'll go see her, now, she joined

some new church on Third.

- Yo, let's be out. - Alright.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, I heard about that new church on Third.

Yeah, they'd be doing so much jumpin' and howlin' up in there.

You think your prayers is right.

Cole Brown, come on down! Come on down!

Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what he's..

[instrumental music]

Well, I don't see your mother in here anywhere, babe.

That's because my mother is smart, Gina.

She likes to wait till after they pass the collection plate.

How are you doing, bro? Already gave at the door, man.

Put the money in. What's wrong with you? Go ahead.

- Gina. - What?

[clears throat]

Alright, man, go on about your business now.

- Hey, Tommy. - What?

You got change for a dollar?

Will you stop being cheap and put it all in there?

Go ahead, Cole.

[piano music]

♪ I got a feelin' ♪

♪ Everythin' gonna be alright ♪

♪ Oh wo wo ♪

♪ I got a feelin' ♪

♪ Everythin' gonna be alright ♪

♪ I-ah! ♪

♪ I got a feelin' ♪

♪ Everythin' gonna be alright ♪

♪ Be alright be alright ♪

♪ Oh be alright ♪

♪ Here we go! ♪

♪ The Ghost told me ♪

♪ Everythin' gonna be alright ♪

♪ Oh the Holy Ghost whispered and told me ♪

♪ Everythin' gonna be alright ♪

♪ The Holy Ghost told me ♪

♪ Everythin' gonna be alright ♪

♪ Be alright ♪

♪ Be alright ♪

♪ Well alright alright ♪

♪ Hallelujah ♪♪

[cheering]

Hey, Gina, remember my cousin? Reverend Leon Lonnie Love?

How can I forget Reverend Leon Lonnie Lust?

What is he doing here? Oh, hell, no!

Oh, I am sorry, Lord. But you know he ain't right.

Martin, we've got to tell your mother about this.

Yes!

Shh, you're in church.

Shh, you're in church.

Don't start nothin' and it won't be nothin'.

You can't fight a old lady in church, what's wrong with you?

What'd you mean, baby, she's startin' with me.

If she keep it up, I'mma take it outside.

- Good morning, congregation. - 'Good mornin'.

I am the Reverend Leon Lonnie Love.

- Can I get a Amen? - Amen!

I believe you heard me, I said..

- Can I get a Amen? - Amen!

Well, Amen back at ya.

Now a moment of silence for the shut-ins and the inferns.

[piano music]

What are you doing?

Excuse me, sister, but I don't mean to be rude

but can you take that fruit basket off your head?

So I can see what's going on.

If I have to turn around one more time

it's going to be me and you!

Well, then make your move.

Now first, I'd like to start this morning

with a few announcements.

There will be a "Singles only" retreat this weekend.

But due to that 60-minutes piece

there ain't gonna be no layin' on the hands this year.

Oh, and whoever parked the lowered blue pacer

in my parkin' space, I regret to inform you

'but The Lord hath towed you.'

[speaking indistinctly]

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

Hallelujah!

[indistinct shouting]

- Hallelujah! - Praise the Lord, Hallelujah!

Hallelujah.

Well, I surely hope that what I'm seein' is y'all bringin'

somebody's holy spirit up in here outta his bones.

(Tommy) 'Hallelujah.'

'Cause I told you I don't want

no banging up in here now, don't I?

Now..

Before I get to my sermon

I understand that there's some

people out there who need my services.

(all) Yes, Father.

Are there any people out there who are weak?

(all) Yes!

Any people out there who are weary?

Any people out there who are tired? Right?

Any people out there who just need a healin'?

(all) Yes!

- Y'all got cash. - Yeah!

Well, then come on down.

[piano music]

Now, brother, just what seems to be your affliction?

I have constant pain in my back.

I've been to the doctors and they can't do anything.

Y'all hear that, the man got constipation

all up in his patellas, go on, show the people

the look, man. Man can't walk.

How much the hospital gonna charge you to fix that?

- About a thousand dollars. - A thousand dollars.

I can heal you for $250.

[piano music]

- Babe, the man is a fraud. - No, I swear.

You know what, this ain't my mother's church.

It can't be my mom's church, I'm out, I'm out.

- Fine, I'm with you. - Well, y'all sinners can leave.

I paid my cover charge, I'm staying.

I am stayin', too.

Now, sister, just what afflicts you?

Well, I got arthritis, bursitis, and a malignant mole.

Well, now I don't think I can do much about this malignant mole.

Lemme see what we can do about this bursitis.

Close your eyes in prayer and release it.

- No! - Sister, I said, release it!

[speaking indistinctly]

Reverend Love!

Reverend Love.. I need healin'.

Sister Edna. You got you another affliction?

Yes, Reverend, yes, Reverend.

I got the money right here, Reverend.

Well, you stay, right where you are, Sister Edna.

I'm about to give you a long distance healing.

- Bring it on, Reverend! - Watch out now.

- 'Ooh!' - It's comin' at your underarm.

- Oh! - Whoo!

[screeching]

Ooh! I'm cured Reverend! I am cured.

Oh, please, now look, Sister Edna got cured, y'all.

- Ooh! - Alright.

♪ I got a feelin' everythin' gonna be alright ♪

♪ I got a feelin' everythin' gonna be alright ♪♪

Bring it down..

[instrumental music]

- So it was crazy man. - Uh-ah.

So, Tommy and Pam told me after I left the church

that mother came flipping down the aisle

thinking she's been cured, alright?

Giving away all her money to this fake Reverend.

And then I talked to my moms

she told me she gave him over $5000, man.

- $5000? - 'Yes!'

That's terrible.

Oh-uh-oh.

And it's all tax free, huh?

Stan, alright, don't even go there.

I know what you thinkin', don't go there messing with God, Stan.

Martin's right, he'll get you in the next life.

I know, 'cause right now

I'm paying for what I did in my previous life.

Hey, did you know I was once a sausage maker.

Yeah.

I killed a lot of pigs in my time, Martin.

I guess that's why I got to work for one now.

Watch it, Shawn, okay?

Cause this little piggy is packin'.

And I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your head off.

Come on, come on, come on now.

Come on, y'all, this is serious, man, alright?

My mother's getting taken to the bank

and I can't do nothing about it.

Hey, Martin, why don't you expose this man

for the fraud that he is?

I know that, Stan, but it ain't that easy, man.

"Ain't that easy," tell that to Marion Barry.

Oh, I see where you gettin' at, yeah.

Oh, set him up on video tape.

Okay, I can do that.

You know what? This is wild man.

First, the brother tries to get with my woman

and you know, I ain't having that, right?

Now, he's taking my moms to the bank.

Oh, hell no, I'm out, peace, okay?

Hey, hey, make it work, make it work, man, get him.

Get him!

$5000.

And it's all tax free.

I'm in the wrong business.

[upbeat music]

Alright babe, look.

Now, you sure he's going to be here?

Yeah, Martin, I told him that I wanted to make

a big contribution to the church and he said, he'd be right over.

But, baby, I got to tell you something.

I feel really uncomfortable about

setting up a man of the cloth.

Babe, the man is fraudin' in the name of the Lord, Gina.

The church is the backbone of the community, babe.

Alright, it's frauds like him that give religion a bad name.

I guess, you're right. Okay, what do you want me to do?

Alright, babe, now look, I want you to get him to admit

that he's hustling the church members.

Okay, and uh-uh, look, while I get it on tape

that's why I set the camera up over here.

But you got to remember to keep him in this space right here.

It got to be all up in here.

You got to make sure it's on camera, okay?

- Right, Martin, one thing. - What?

Why should he tell me anything?

Because, Gina, you're going to flirt with him.

You're going to get him to trust you, like you did me.

You know, start giving him that look.

What look, Martin? I don't have a look.

Yes, you do the look, you do..

- I do not do that. - Yes, you do, babe, alright?

And when you finish, lick your lips.

What's that supposed to do?

I don't know, but your lips kinda crusty right now.

[laughs]

I'm serious, baby, your lips look like

if you smile, they gonna crack and bleed.

[chuckles] Shut up!

(Reverend) 'Sister Gina, it's Reverend Lonnie.'

- Okay, that's him, baby. - Oh, baby, I'm scared.

- I don't want to do this. - Don't be afraid, Gina!

Look, I'mma be in the kitchen, okay?

Look, look, if you need me just call, okay?

Gina, Gina, remember, babe, you got to keep them in this space.

Look, girl.. Gina, be a soldier, girl.

Alright, I'm coming.

Okay. Come on in, Reverend.

It's just me and you up in here, isn't it?

Yeah, why do you ask?

Well, 'cause you know that after that last whopping

your boyfriend put on me, I could barely heal myself.

Oh. Well, you don't have to worry about that.

We both went our separate ways.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. - It's okay.

My, my, my, Sister Gina, look at you.

[both laughing]

That dress looks good enough to give eyesight to the blind.

Why don't you let me take this, okay?

And you can sit on the couch right there, in that space.

I don't mind if I do.

All this furniture, is it rented?

Oh, no, this is mine.

You know, that was quite a sermon the other day.

In fact, I was so inspired that

I decided to make a big donation to the church.

Well, Sister Gina, you know, I always like to accept

large endowments with both hands.

Oh, oh, yeah, and that part in the summer

where you did the moonwalk.

I've never seen anything like that.

You like that?

Well, you know, during my backsliding days

you know, I did tour with the Parliament-Funkadelic.

Remember? Used to call me Scorpio.

- Oh, that explains it. - Ah!

You know, I don't know if you realize this

but..

...on that pulpit, you are so sexy.

Umm, uh, Sister Gina

I'm feelin' a spirit growing up inside me.

Uh, maybe I ought to leave.

No! No!

Please. Don't leave.

I want you to stay.

- I, I like you. - Gracious.

Does thou tempt me?

Maybe I ought to leave while I can still stand.

No, please, please, please.

Please, I want you to stay please.

Uh, I find you so attractive.

Well, you know, it's funny you bring that up, Sister Gina.

It's not just you.

Uh, my looks have tempted several young virgins.

A...lot of people say, I look just like

Denzel Washington.

- In the dark. - No..

When you squint your eyes.

- Ooh! - Oh! That's it!

[both chuckle]

- Lonnie.. - Oh, call me Love.

- Call me Love. - Wait a minute.

Wait.

Oh, you know, I wish we could run away together.

You and me alone.

Oh, Sister Gina, I'm getting a fever rising up.

Did I ever tell you that I got a house in The Bahamas

that don't nobody know about. I could charter a plane.

We'll be there first thing in the morning.

Butt naked on the beach.

I've never been to The Bahamas.

- I would do anything to go. - Anything?

- Any...thing. - Ooh!

Gina got a little freaky there.

Out, Satan, out, I say!

Take your ayes above with you, I rebuked you, out!

Ooh! Oh, I'm so glad I got past that.

- Now where were we? - We were right here.

Look, I don't want you to get up one more time, okay?

You little preacher man. Don't you move off this couch.

- Not one more time. - Sister Gina.

I'm under your spell.

Now about The Bahamas.

It's very expensive how can you afford it?

Sister Gina, did you not see how my flock gave unto me

all their worldly possessions

and savings when I pass the collection plate.

So you mean to tell me, you use that money

for your own personal means.

Hell, yeah.

Now come here, you little vixen.

Sorry, Lord, but Satan won this round.

Wait.

Martin!

- Martin! - Yo.

[speaking indistinctly]

I know Tang Soo Do style, what you gonna do?

Baby, baby, baby, honey, we don't have to do this.

We got him, baby, we got him!

Yeah, yeah. You right. You, you are so right.

Uh, happy foot. Listen, man.

Look here, man, uh, I think

you better start, uh, praying for parole.

- We got you on tape. - That's right.

Oh, this skank set me up!

Excuse me, but...did you just call me a skank?

Well, uh, Sister Gina what I meant..

[grunts]

- Babe, he called me a skank! - But we know that ain't true.

That's right, you never called me a skank.

- Ain't ever gonna call you one. - I know!

Calling me a skank, he got to be out his damn mind.

Realationship can't work, if I call you names.

Sister Rubela, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

I am stand..

This one stand before you today, brothers and sisters

a humble man.

A servant of the Lord

who has seen the errors of his ways.

So I'm askin' you to..

...forgive me.

[sobs]