Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

Okay, mommy. Okay. Bye, mom.

Gina, where is Martin?

Oh, he went to go pick up the tickets

so we wouldn't have to wait in line.

[door knocks]

Wait in line?

Why don't we just sneak into side door like we used to do?

[Gina laughs] Shut up.

Oh, it's just you, Roscoe.

Were you or not exactly

a day at Disney World yourself.

Honey, what do you want?

I want you to get a smaller head but I got no control over that.

Here, look. Baba Raffle ticket you gotta win a car.

- How much are they? - $25.

- $25? - What you complaining about?

It's not like you-you spending it on African children.

- You! - No, no, he's a child.

- No, he is a child, Tommy. - Shawn, Shawn

I'm like the child. If you don't believe me I'm going--

It's okay, please. So, I'll put in for Martin.

It's only $5 a piece.

Come on and get tickets with manners, my boy.

They ain't teach you some manner.

Hey, watch your mouth.

- Don't howl at me. - Here.

You ain't can't haul at me. Y-you ain't my mother.

Or I-I'll call the child abuse line on you.

9-5-5-5 child abuse.

I noted down. Hello!

- Roscoe, yo, boy! - What?

This ticket says $5. Five.

Well, the other 20 is for the hotel fees.

So, what's up, Pam?

You know you're not too old to end up

with your face on the back of a milk carton.

Well, at least my face would make the milk go right.

Tommy, let me borrow your belt.

[indistinct chatter]

Go!

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪ ♪ Yo! ♪

♪ Wassup! ♪ ♪ How y'all been? ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ He's so crazy ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪ ♪ Yo ♪

♪ Wassup! ♪ ♪ How y'all been? ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Hey, Martin.

Martin, your refrigerator won't open.

It won't open because I put a lock on it, Tommy.

I mean, why don't you brother try buy me some food.

- Shit ain't. - Yo! Yo!

I bought you them ten tapes.

Yo, man. Thank you very much.

Now all I need is 8-track play and I'll be good to go.

That's right.

We won! We won! We won!

(all) We won!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

- Whoo-hoo! - What did we win?

- We won the car! - We won the car!

- We won the car? - Yes.

- Yo! When do we pick it up? - Oh, no, no, no, no.

It's already here. We got it.

[all cheering]

- Come and look. - Where.

It's right there, the white one. The white one.

- Oh, my God! - Yes!

Oh, my God! I don't believe it. Oh, my God!

- You'll, see. - A 1981 AMC Gremlin?

It's my dream car.

It's not that one, moron.

The new one next to it. The 1993 four wheel drive.

Oh, that's-that's a nice one too.

- Oh! - Anyway..

I say we sell it and we split the money.

No! Not! Never! Aye?

This is our car, we gonna share it.

How are we gonna share

what if we all want it on the same night?

Well, we do what you should do at the gym, Pam.

♪ Work it out ♪♪

No, no, no, look, if we go on..

Dude, let's do it alphabetically.

I mean, I'll get it first 'cause C is for Cole

and then A-B-C-D..

[indistinct chatter]

Stop! Enough! Cancel it!

Yo, chill, buzz! D-u-u-uh. Damn!

I mean, y'all act like you ain't never got anythin' new before.

This is how we going to do it. Gina, you got on Monday.

Tommy, you got it on Tuesday.

Pam, you got it on hump day.

- Very funny. - Ha-ha.

Cole, you got it on Thursday.

I got it on Friday.

On Saturday, we share.

And on the seventh day, she rests.

Great! That seems to work out well.

You know, Martin. I'm very impressed.

Oh, yeah? The way I set the schedule?

[chuckles] Nah, that you knew the seven days in a week.

Any way, I want Tuesday.

Don't hit. Don't hit, honey.

She swung at me.

[instrumental music]

[man gagging]

No, no, no, no, no no!

No, thank you. No, thank you.

[indistinct singing]

Hey, your windows got to be be clear.

If you wanna know where to steer.

Excuse me. You're making it worse.

No, Baby G. You gotta have vision.

If you wanna drive with precision.

[Gina muttering]

What're you doing in there?

Oh, darn no. Oh, romie rom.

I know you, doll, huh?

Huh? Your name Leena right?

- That's Gina. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I may not know the name

but I sure as hell know the game.

Gang-na! Gang-na!

I driven, Gina, huh?

What's the matter?

You can't call nobody?

You can't pick up a phone and find out

the visiting hours, huh?

I'm just filling out my community service here.

My probation ain't gonna be alright.

Oh, that's a light. Gotta go.

No, no!

[yelling]

[horn honking]

[both screaming]

Huh, you can't jank me.

I've been working out in the joint!

You broke my mirror!

No, you ain't, ain't drive me off of the car.

Go away!

Nah!

[screaming]

Let go! Let go of my car!

[tires screeching]

Oh! Whoo! Whoo!

[grunting]

[groans]

Well, I get the road to the curve.

I get the road to the cur-r-r-ve.

Ain't this a bitch?

Made me done scuffed up my linens.

[instrumental music]

♪ Whoo! We got us a bear ♪

♪ What you got what you got ♪

♪ We got us a bear ♪

♪ I'm saying oh I tried to cheat on him ♪

♪ I got us a bear ♪

♪ What you got me ♪

[indistinct]

Ladies, ladies.

- Hello, ladies! - Yeah.

- Would you mind? Thank you. - Yay, Tommy.

We're just trying to sing' "We Got Us A Bear" that's all.

I mean, dang.

Excuse us, MC-no-hair.

Okay, we just warming up for the clubs, huh?

See, if that old man's won't move, we gonna be late.

There you are. Ah, thank you. Drive it like you ain't got OSO.

Tommy, pass him.

Look, I can't pass him. Somebody broke my sideview mirror.

Well, if you ain't gonna pass him

you won't be needing this too, Tommy.

Sheneneh, will you stop grabbing that?

I thought I could get my face done

I'm getting ready for the club.

Girlfriend, you wanna borrow my lipstick?

It's called "Caramel Custard In The Snow."

Girl, please, alright. Thank you, but no, thank you. Alright?

Alright? I-I won't be using nobody else's lipstick.

And you know especially not yours. Bonquisha.

I know where your lips were last night. Ah!

You're just jealous.

Oh, you guys just chill.

I think I lost one of my earrings.

Keylolo, okay? Please, aye?

It is not like anyone is gonna notice.

I mean, damn. You got all Tempe.

- Oh! Shut up! - 'Oh!'

- Sheneneh! - Yeah.

Tommy, look, if you find my earring

you better give it back to me.

I wanna see none of your squeezers

with my earring gone.

Wait, what are you talking about, Kahlua?

(both) Whoa!

Kahlua?

My name is Key-lo-lo.

You got it?

K-E-Y

(both) Lo-Lo.

Don't forget it, body.

I-I got it, alright? I got it.

Yeah, but just don't forget it, okay?

Uh, Keylolo, I gotta tell you something, dawg.

Your mother was trippin' when she gave you

that name, okay. Alright.

My mamma was trippin' when she gave me my name?

Your mamma was trippin' when she gave you Sheneneh.

Wait, wait a minute. Everybody like Sheneneh.

Everybody likes Sheneneh.

Sheneneh is a bomb. Sheneneh is a bomb.

No, no, no.

Oh, Tommy. I know you ain't laughing, Tommy.

No, no, no, no. Tommy, look.

Just get us to the club before 10:00.

Ladies get in free.

See, Tommy. They're just tripping.

Don't you worry about it, baby.

I think you are so fine.

See Bonquisha don't always did want her

a tall, bald, sensitive man.

That way, I can close my eyes and be pretending

I'm with Monty Williams.

Hey, hey, come on. Will you cut down? No!

Come on, baby. Tell me who your..

Bonquisha, please get your-your beer breath out my ear.

That ain't me. That's Keylolo.

She be eating Chitterlings again.

That's right. Now I'm thirsty.

- Pass the 40, girl. - No, no, no.

Don't you guys, open that in this car.

See, Tommy. They-they should've been like me, Tommy, alright?

I drink mine before I left the house, Tommy.

You know why? Because I'm a lady.

Sheneneh, you drank the whole 40?

- Tried to, Tommy. - Oh!

Oh, I'd like to get my buzz on

before I get to the club, okay?

Because I am not paying no eight dollars

for no doggone fuzzy label, or no screaming..

Uh-uh, no.

[car honks]

See, I told you, you was driving too slow.

Hold on, hold on hold on. Who the hell are you beeping at?

Oh, no you didn't. No you didn't. I warned you, alright?

(male #1) 'Put your ugly face back in the car.'

Oh, no, you didn't, oh no, you didn't! Pull over--

Okay, okay. Hey, Sheneneh.

Will you guys shut up and get back in this car?

- Come on. - Don't let us get to slicing.

That's right, we will get to sli-c-ing.

Come on, I'm trying to up the window.

Sheneneh go down.

You just broke my window, Sheneneh.

I ain't broke no window, Tommy. That was you.

[car honks]

Is that your wife

or is your dog walking backwards?

[imitates barking]

- Ah! - Oh, God!

[glass shattering]

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, God! Somebody call..

[instrumental music]

Come on, hurry up.

Now keep on moving. People let's just keep on moving.

Only the night time basic caring guard is here.

Let go, Yoko Ono. Move it out.

Imagine ain't no money around here Yoko. Move it.

Say what?

What you doing punching in all them numbers, bruh?

Now what you got a bank account in Switzerland or somethin'..

I'm checking my balance if you don't mind.

Yes, I mind. What's with ya? Move on out the..

Well, I say, move out of the way, boy.

What you got here?

What you got here, boy?

Wah, wah, wah.

Why you look like you about to be mad as hell, bruh?

You can't afford to put keys on a waffle, boy.

Get g-get going that way.

Come on, boy. Let's get t-to the moving, boy.

Look, old man. You better back off or you'll get hurt.

- Old man? - Yeah.

So, I gots to be a old man, huh, boy?

I guess you work out a lot, huh, boy?

Pretty, ain't they?

Oh, pretty. I like your calves.. May I tickle?

- Step off, man. - I better step off, huh, boy.

I guess you're growing, boy, huh?

You drink a lot of milk, huh, boy?

Huh, boy?

- Show you what I got, boy. - You want some of this?

Boy, I wants a lot of that, boy.

Tell you what I got, boy.

Look at you, boy. Getting ready to take you down, boy.

♪ Getting ready to take you down boy ♪

♪ Getting ready to take you down boy look at you boy ♪

Getting ready to take you down, hard, hard, hard, hard.

Get-get going. How's that?

Knock you out, boy, huh?

Well, get on right back here. Would you..

Keep going. Go on out there, boy!

Ain't got no money, boy?

I'm sorry, little lady. I...got confused.

You know, I'm worried about the bank robber's and everything.

Come on and step right on, now?

I'll let you get your little money.

- Thank you. - Wait a minute.

Is this your car? Is that yours?

Yeah, I'll move it in a minute, okay?

Uh-huh, no, what you gonna do is move that car right now.

You'll move that car right now.

What is your problem, grandpa?

My problem here, girl, Missy-poo..

My problem here is this is in a no parking zone.

What's the matter? Is it not red enough for you?

I gotta change it from bright red to blinds of blood red?

Move this car right now.

- Move this car. - Wait a minute.

Grandpa, what is your problem? What's going on?

My problem is I'm getting ready to move this damn car

feet by feet. Now move it now.

I can't move this further down.

Move the car, move the car. Now.

[glass shatters]

I tell you to move. Now, move the car.

Listen, Captain Kangaroo.

You cannot go around vandalizing people's car.

Kangaroo? Well, watch how I hop on it, girl.

Argh! What have you got?

Okay, I'll move it, I'll move it.

I'll move it. Here, take your hat. I'll move it.

Get it on that. And I'm telling you move it fast.

Okay, okay, I'll move it.

Alright, move it on now.

And don't come back here.

Where the hell is my good implant?

[instrumental music]

- Whoo! - I'll be stoking today.

♪ Stoking to the west. ♪

♪ And stoking to the one that I love it ♪

♪ We just stoking ♪

[cheering and singing]

Nice coat you got.

[indistinct chatter]

- Oh, hold on. - What is it, there?

Girl, look over there.

Ain't that teacher's girl, Vanessa?

- Yeah. - Ooh, child.

I've done heard she done divorced her fourth husband.

Uh-huh and right after he done paying

for the plastic surgery.

That's what I heard.

Believe me, she done had more than a few good men.

You know I always says she was loser than my teeth

after a taffy apple.

[Cole honks]

Cole! Boy sit up and put both of your hands

on that wheel and fasten that seat belt.

Cool, ma. Just trying to be cool.

- Stop sweating me. - Sweating you?

Look at you, sitting there all slouched over.

That was your father's problem.

- He had more problem than that. - Oo-ooh.

He was hell when he was stuck in that bottle, Wendy.

He sure was.

Edna, can't you see, the boy's sitting right here in the car.

You're right, Maddie. You're right.

Cole, not now. I'm sorry.

Your daddy was a fine man, Cole.

Especially when he was sucking on that bottle.

Evelyn, look. Ain't that your niece?

My, my, my! She ain't missed many meals, has she?

I'm mad of judging by all the trash

all over his car, need to ask Cole.

And it smell like a day old cabbage in here.

Evelyn, if it smell like day old cabbage everywhere we go

damn it, then may be it's you.

Or maybe you just thinking.

What is certain?

What the hell are you laughing at, Maddie?

Your wig still got the damn tag on.

Oo-cha-no!

I'm glad you told me, I'd have went in that thing

thinking I was looking cute.

Why, hell, we know that ain't cute, huh.

Girl, I was trying to fix the door over here. It's broke.

You gotta take care of your new car.

Now, it's starting to look like your room.

Cole's car? This ain't Cole's car. It's Martin's car.

He brought the ticket.

[scoffs] Well, excuse me.

Too bad, he was too cheap to put his own money in.

Now what I heard is, just what I heard now.

Gina had to pay for Martin.

That's what I heard.

Well, y'all heard wrong.

Now, Maddie, you didn't have to go there.

You didn't have to say that about my baby.

Edna, look. It ain't no secret you raised one cheap old son.

Well, then I guess your son was raised in a damn pigsty?

A pigsty? Oh, that's it.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What's going on back there?

Boy, what are you howling at grown folks for?

You stay outta our conversation.

You ain't too grown to get back slap on that back seat.

I'll take your hand and twist it.

That's right, boy. You better watch your manners.

Don't you ever talk to Ms. Payne like that again.

Isn't that Vanessa?

You know I heard that she divorced her fourth--

Hey, hey, hey, hold on, hold on, hold on.

If that's Vanessa, we've been driving in circles.

Oh, Maddie, now see what you done did

you done got us lost, Maddie.

Oh, he should've made a left, Maddie.

No, no, no, no. I'm sure, I'm sure it's a right.

No, Cole. Make a left.

- No, go right. - Don't make right!

[indistinct chatter]

Ooh! Last time I felt a bump like that, I had twins.

[groaning]

Whoo!

Oh, great, you done got us lost, Maddie

your son done got us stuck on the curb.

- Edna, I-- - There's the Bingo Hut!

Right there. We're here.

- Alright. - We're here, we're here.

- We're here. - Now, get out.

Get your big asses out.

Son, thank you very much for dropping.

Come on. Move it--

Hey, hey, hey, hey, momma, I thought you said

you was gonna ask your friends for some gas money.

I didn't hear that.

...you on a night out, she gettin' ready to go play Bingo.

What's the hell is wrong with you, boy?

[instrumental music]

Yeah, girl.

Ah! Nothing like a romantic evening

at the drive-in with my baby.

Hey, thank you, baby. This is really romantic.

- You like that? - Yes.

Hey, Martin. It is freezing back here.

Can you roll up the window, please?

I can't Tommy. You broke it.

Oh, oh, who broke the mirror and the windshield wiper, Gina?

Yeah.

I feel the draft up my legs.

Who put a hole in the floor?

Cole!

Excuse me.

I was trying to do y'all a favor.

Put some speakers up a here.

On the floor, Cole?

I had work man of 'em bumping

you know, surround sound but y'all know nothin' about that.

This car's all already worse than Cole's.

You know what? This was a big mistake sharing this car.

We need to get rid of it.

We should've sold it like I said

in the first place, Martin.

[indistinct chatter]

You know what? I'll tell you.

If y'all gonna disrespect me up in my car

all of y'all can get out. Get the steppings--

Shut it up.

Zip it and throw it away.

This is not your property and you can't kick us out.

So, this is our car. There.

Right, yeah. It belongs to all of us now.

- See? - That's right.

Yeah, well not for long, alright?

I'm about to put a rug on the hole

and selling it to some fool tomorrow.

- Good. - Great.

Y'all should be shutting up.

You three need to find you somebody.

Oh, please.

- That's true. - I feel sorry for you.

Well, I'm sorry, y'all. Look, look, hey, hey.

Let's just-just quiet down.

This is the last night with the car.

Let just enjoy it, please.

Well, then you stop flipping on me.

- I'm not flipping on you. - You did.

- Keep your mouth shut. - You were dangerous.

Cole, get your hand off my thigh.

Sure about that? Thought that was your breast.

Well, it's not.

Well, you got hell of a goose bump on your knee, baby.

- What's the matter, baby? - Get him away from me, please.

Alright, okay. Okay,

I'm tired of y'all moving upfront.

Keep going up there.

- Coming. - Hey, Cole.

Cole, Cole, yo, man, yo, man, what you doing, man?

Thank goodness.

On that thing, man.

Ah! Nice and roomy up here.

Cole, man.

Martin, why is everybody leaving?

And all at the same time.

(Tommy) 'Everybody is not leaving.

- We're rolling backwards. - Wait a minute.

'Cole, did you take the break off?'

(Cole) 'Is that what that was?'

[theme music]

[crashing]

(all) 'Ah, damn!'

[glass shattering]

...a phone and find out the visiting hours, huh? Huh!

I'm just working out my community service here.

Filling it out! You know what I'm saying?

My probation ain't gonna be alright.

- Oh, that's a light. Gotta go. - No, no! Wait! Wait! Oh!

[indistinct chatter]

[both screaming]

Wait up! Huh? You can't jank me.

I've been working out in the joint!

You broke my mirror!

No, you ain't

you ain't drive me off of the car.

- Go away! - No!

[screaming]