Original subtitles

Ho! It's that time of the year, Martin.

It's WZUP's Third Annual Talent Fest.

Oh.

Well, correct me if I'm wrong, Stan

but didn't last year's Talent Fest consists of you dancing

with three old stank strippers?

Well, Martin, we made a lot of money here.

Those girls picked up a lot of dollar bills.

Yes, sir.

Money sticks to strippers like stretch pants to fat lady.

You don't understand. Y'all are buggin', man.

Look, if you're gonna do a show, right?

Make it for good cause, raise some money.

Do a benefit.

Martin, this is for a good cause.

My pad needs some new shag carpeting.

You're out of touch.

Why don't you let the new Jacks handle it, okay?

I'll produce it, and I'll make it

for good cause, AIDS research.

Oh, Martin, that is a good cause.

And besides all the strippers I know a sagging man.

You know that tassel will just sweep the floor, man.

Alright, Martin, you are on.

You're gonna get good press, man.

I mean, think about it, Stan.

When was the last time you were in the paper

and you wasn't doing like this.

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪ ♪ Lawrence ♪

♪ Yo what's up? ♪ ♪ How you doing? ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪ ♪ Lawrence ♪

♪ He's so crazy ♪

[music continues]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪ ♪ Lawrence ♪

♪ Yo, what's up? ♪ How you doing? ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪ ♪ Lawrence ♪♪

[instrumental music]

♪ I'm every woman It's all in me ♪

♪ Anything you want done baby ♪

♪ I'll do it naturally ♪

♪ Whoa whoa whoo ♪♪

[applause]

Thank you, Miss Porter.

Well, we'll let you know.

We love the song, you know, but the part in the middle

where you lift your dress.

Unh-unh, lose that.

We mean, you know, some people may be eating

and you may spoil the food.

Watch it, sucker.

I know I can sing.

You're just a bubble-eyed fool.

So what's up, man? What'd you think?

Well, I thought she was good.

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Look, Shawn, don't think, okay?

Just listen and learn, okay? Do that.

Hey, baby.

People are lined up and down the hall and around the block.

Yeah, ever since people found out you were giving this

AIDS benefit, they've been buying tickets like crazy.

I mean, what?

Y'all didn't know how large I was?

Yeah, Martin, you are the man.

Umm, honey, call us outside online.

You're not really going to make him audition for you, are you?

Yes, Gina. I made Tommy audition and I'm making you audition too.

I mean you good and everything, but you ain't all that.

Well, can't we work something out on the casting couch?

Well, I don't mix business with pleasure. Excuse me.

Call in the next person.

Number 42.

What's up?

- Okay. Okay. - Okay. Okay.

- Alright. - Alright.

Um-hmm.

[laughs]

What's up, baby?

Okay.

Name.

What do you mean?

Name?

[laughs]

Hey, Martin, this is me. I'm your boy, Cole Brown.

What do you do?

Duh! I clean airplanes.

Duh! What are you doing in the talent show?

Well, I do a really great Michael Jackson impression.

Come on, let's see it.

No, daddy. Daddy, no.

No, daddy, no. No, daddy, no.

Dad-uh!

[indistinct]

Ah! Ooh! He-he-he-he.

[applause]

Thank you. Okay.

- Okay. - Thank you.

- Well done. - Alright now.

That was very cool.

Well, thank you, Mr. Brown.

If you're on the show, my assistant, Shawn

will notify you tomorrow.

Cool. Hope I make it.

Well, you never know. You know, that's a tough business.

But we're finished with you for now.

- Bye-bye. - Okay. Alright.

- That was cool? - Yes, I liked that.

[clears throat]

Bye-bye.

[clears throat] Okay?

Okay.

Alright.

Martin, that's really cold.

Martin, don't you think you're taking this

producer thing a little bit too far?

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Do not hate me because I am good.

Call in the next person, please.

The next, yeah,okay.

Number 43, please.

Hi, how you doing?

- Name. - Travis.

What do you do? What rap?

[beat boxing]

What? What do you do?

No, this is what I do.

Yeah!

Come on.

Whoo!

[screaming]

Ah!

- Yay! - Yes!

[applause]

So what do you think?

I think you watch your damn mind.

You come in here, climbing on people's furniture

and everything like you crazy, like you ain't got

no home training.

Oh, hell no. Please, be gone.

Be gone.

Hey, hey, hey. I have the lunch.

Oh, well timed.

- Alright, you said you were-- - Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

[sighs]

Uh-uh.

- No, he didn't. - I don't like plain chips.

You don't have barbeque?

Nacho will do, I guess.

Oh!

Martin, Martin, now I know you're not gonna eat now.

Man, you got 40 people waiting down the hall.

Let them wait, okay?

I don't need them, Tommy. They need me.

- He's tripping. - He's losing it.

Dammit, Tommy.

What? What is it?

You know, I do not like tomatoes.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct]

You know what, Martin's bugging.

You telling me? His name is written all over this program.

Look, written by Martin Payne. Produced by Martin Payne.

Directed by Martin Payne. Starring Martin Payne.

Program typed by Martin Payne.

Who does he think he is, Spike Lee?

Yeah, as soon as he started organizing this thing

he thinks he's more better.

More-more butter.

[laughs]

Okay.

[laughs] Alright.

What the hell is going on here, huh?

Why aren't you rehearsing?

Do I have to do everything around here?

Please, my chair. I am very tired.

Now listen, we got to go right away.

Please try to keep your pieces to five minutes or less.

Keep it tight.

Tommy, do not just sit there digging in your ear.

Get up, and do your spill, your thing you do. Let's go.

'Oh, such a migraine.'

Alright, this is a monologue from the play

"Confessions of a--"

Cut!

- Look! - What?

Oh, what is this? A script, Tommy?

What do-you don't know your lines?

What were you doing all weekend?

I was with you all weekend. We was getting ready.

That's no excuse. Please, please, come on. Come on down.

Look, just please come on down.

That's it. That's the last time you guys throw down my--

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

'Do not have an attitude'

'because you don't know your lines.'

Gina, you're up.

And listen, my name is all over this show.

You are my girl. Do not embarrass me.

Right away, please. Oh.

'On the countdown. Hold.'

Five, four, three, two.

♪ Push you got to push ♪

♪ Come on now push ♪

♪ Go Gina Go Gina ♪

♪ You got to push it till you get it by-- ♪

Cut!

Oh.

You have to sing it till you get it right. Listen.

You are not without talent. You are just sadly misguided.

Okay, now project. Restore people in the back.

Look, stand over here and see what I'm doing.

Stand and watch what I'm doing.

Make love, push.

♪ You got to push you want to push ♪♪

You push it out of there. You can do it.

'Alright, countdown.'

Five, four, three, two.

♪ Push you got to push ♪

♪ You got to push ♪

Push. You're not pushing, baby.

♪ You got to push ♪

No, you got to push it.

♪ You got to push ♪

Push it a little hard.

[gibberish]

You are not pushing. You can't push it!

Gina.

Are you singing? Or are you having a baby?

Say, Martin, thanks for making a fool out of me.

- Stupid. - Okay, look at that.

- Gina. Gina. - Fine. Fine. Leave.

You'll never make it in this business.

[indistinct]

What is, what's up with you, man?

Yeah, man, why are you tripping?

- What? I'm tripping? - Yeah.

Is that what y'all think, huh?

- Yeah, that's right. - Well, then leave.

Be gone. Disappear, okay?

I don't need you. You need me. I'll do the show by myself.

I'm doing everything else around here anyway.

See, I wrote it. I'll produce it.

And most importantly, I'm starring in it. Poof!

Be gone.

Martin, you're out of your damn mind.

Well, that's what they said about George Washington Carver

and his peanut, but your asses are still eating Skippy.

Martin, Martin.

Don't you think that you should have a little trust

in your performers that they'll get it together

by showtime?

When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you. Poof!

Well, I know where the door is.

Be gone.

Trusting my performers?

Who would I trust? Who would I trust? Me.

That's who.

I'll crush you like a cockroach.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

♪ You got to push it till you get it right ♪♪

[booing]

Get off the stage.

Hey, your mama got it right last night.

[laughs]

- My-my-my mama? - Yeah, your mama.

And tell her I want my Air Jordans from under her bed.

[laughs]

That's-that's-that's why nobody want to come down here and do

a show in this neighborhood 'cause you're ignorant.

[indistinct chatter]

- Get off that stage. - Get off of it.

Hey, hey, man, I'll tell you, you better be thinking

about eating that tomato 'cause you thought

all hell's gonna break loose.

'Cause I ain't no punk. I ain't no punk.

[indistinct chatter]

Oh, man, Yo, Stan, I ain't trippin'.

Look, Martin, you got any other acts lined up, man?

Well, Stan, I had to fire them, man. They were weak, Stan.

Well, I see what I'm gonna have to do.

I'm gonna have to save this show myself.

[booing]

Calm down.

'Calm down.'

Hey, I'm Stan Winters, the proprietor of WZUP.

Hold on now, I'm gonna sing a little family classic

for you know what that is?

'Maestro.'

[instrumental music]

♪ Meet me ♪

♪ Meet me ♪

♪ Meet me with-- ♪♪

[booing]

Dear God, I beg you, if you get me out of this one

I'll be straight up from now on.

[crying]

Hey!

Friends, welcome back.

We're not here because of you.

Yeah, Martin, we thought about it

and we realized that this cause is even bigger than your ego.

- Then that's pretty big. - Yes.

We know you need help, so we're here to do our part.

Hey, listen, listen.

I know I was bugging, right?

But-but-but I was caught up in this whole producer thing.

I thought that's how you had to be.

You know to have a great show. Hey, come on, forgive me.

This is for charity, guys.

I don't care.

We forgive you.

[screams]

Give me love?

Okay, okay.

♪ Meet me with no.. ♪♪

You, alright, man?

Yeah, man, but I brought the house down, you know.

Better than last year.

[indistinct chatter]

Pam, Gina, do your thing. Come on, sing for me.

- Oh, no. - You gotta do something.

- Pam, come on. Go. - But wait.

[booing]

And it better be good.

Take it off, sisters.

Hey, baby got back.

Don't make me go on my pocket, donkey kong.

[laughs]

Hi, I'm Gina Waters.

And I'm Pamela James.

And we're gonna do a little something something for y'all.

[instrumental music]

♪ Hold up the light ♪

Come on, everybody.

♪ Save the world from darkness ♪

♪ Oh yeah hold up the light ♪

♪ Won't you please America? ♪

Martin, Martin, look.

I really hate to break this to you

but I can't do my magic act.

Come on, Tommy, you know I need all acts I can get.

I know but my assistant's in no condition to pull

a rabbit out of a hat.

No, but I can pull a mad dog outta my purse.

Mad dog 2020s.

Okay, Miss Porter, let's go back and have some coffee, okay?

There you go.

Don't be putting it on my church clothes.

Oh, I'm sorry. You look so nice too.

Alright, there we go.

Yo, man, you want me to do the Michael Jackson?

No, no, no Michael, no Michael.

So what about my Prince?

Let me see it.

Aw-Aw!

[coughs]

♪ Hold up the light ♪

♪ Oh hey a-hey ♪

♪ Save the world from darkness ♪♪

[applause]

[indistinct]

Get lost. How about it?

Get out. Get it out.

Ain't nobody's out here on that "Hold up the light."

Keylolo and Shenaynay is in the house.

Keylolo and Shenaynay in the house. Yeah.

- Yeah. - So we about to rock this.

We about to do this.

Hey, y'all try to hear us rock this?

(audience) Yeah!

Say, "Go, nay, nay, go, nay, nay, go."

(audience) Go, nay, nay, go, nay, nay, go.

Say, "Go, low, low, go, low, low, go."

(audience) Go, low, low, go, low, low, go.

- Say, "Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh." - Keylolo! Keylolo!

(audience) Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

I mean how much crowd participation you gonnaa do?

I mean, it's not the dialogue they trying to hear, though.

Alright.

[applause] 'Come on.'

- Y'all trying to hear this. - 'Come on.'

(male #1) 'Oh, yeah, baby. Go, girl.'

♪ Don't nobody know me like my homie ♪

♪ So open up that 40 ♪

♪ Shenaynay a half way phony ♪

♪ Don't be tryin' to tip if you ain't rich ♪

♪ Shenaynay ain't no trick ♪

♪ Better have a grip ♪

♪ And if you ain't got no rhythm do your hootie ♪

♪ Don't be tryin' to scoopie ♪

♪ Leave just let us a sister be ♪

♪ You want some but you can't get none yeah ♪

I have it, aye.

♪ You want some but you can't get none ♪

♪ I know I mean you can't get with that ♪

♪ You want some but you can't get none ♪

♪ They call you at 4:00 in the morning talking about ♪

♪ Can I come over ♪

♪ You want some but you can't get none ♪♪

[indistinct]

[applause]

Thank you.

Oh.

For me?

He gave it to me.

[indistinct chatter]

Strike the pose. Strike the pose.

Remember, we got to strike a pose?

[cheers and applause]

We love y'all and we thank y'all for all the support.

You know, thanks for all your mail..

[indistinct]

[applause]

[booing]

Get outta here.

(male #2) 'Get outta here.'

I ain't going nowhere. I ain't running no more.

Look, I don't care what y'all think about me

'cause I got talent.

I'm gonna be alright.

And most of all, I got friends.

Yet, friends, yay.

They came through for me tonight. Thank you.

I love y'all so much. Thank you.

Now, tonight isn't about me.

It's about something much bigger.

The money we raise tonight is going towards AIDS.

You see, there are a lot of people out there suffering

from this disease, and we wanna let them know that we care.

I mean, if it affects one person, it affects all of us.

And we ain't even trying to stop fighting

until this battle is over.

So, Pam, gave us a little some some. Take us home.

(male #3) Alright, man.

[instrumental music]

♪ I don't worry about to my world ♪

♪ I just live from day to day ♪

♪ I don't borrow from its sunshine ♪

♪ Though the skies may turn to gray ♪

♪ Many things about tomorrow ♪

♪ I don't seem to understand ♪

♪ But I know tomorrow ♪

♪ And I know and I know ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ Who holds ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ My hand ♪♪

[applause]

[instrumental music]

Give out more money.

Give out some money.

No money?

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Aye! Aye!

Where the butt naked strippers at, man?