Original subtitles

Hey, Martin, how come you get to be the banker?

You always cheat.

- Gina, I do not cheat, alright. - You do, baby.

- No, I don't. - Whom do you have?

Yo, Pam, you should be the dog as usual.

Yeah, Martin, you could be the thimble.

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪

How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪

He's so crazy!

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪

How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

I'm sorry I'm late but I just couldn't drag myself

out of Shannon's arms.

Y'all know what it's like when you are in love.

Oh, I'm sorry, Cole. I'm sorry, Pam.

You've been kind of jipper lately, man. Who's this girl?

I met at the gym.

I was on the bisque press.

She was on one of those girly machines.

What is a girly machine, Tommy?

Come on, man. Act like you know. That's where you get the peek.

What's she like, Tommy?

Oh, she is beautiful. She's about 5.8".

Caramel eyes and almond skin. She's a do--

uh, the body of a goddess.

Oh, man, does she still have that hair on her back?

You want to play some monopoly, baby?

Oh, that's cool.

Martin, how much money

you got under your shirt?

See? I told you. You're a cheater.

[knock on door]

- I had none. - That's the pizza man, baby.

- Mind yours. - Check his undersleeve.

If there's pork on it, I ain't paying for it.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

Can I help you?

I mean, you don't just come up here, man.

Barging in people's house

disrespecting me and my partners.

This is my house. I pay rent up in here.

Is your name Tommy?

- No. - Well, then shut up.

Excuse me, fellas. Hi. I'm-I'm Tommy.

How can I help you?

Yo. My name is Trey.

I need to talk to you about Shannon.

Why? Is she okay?

Oh, yeah, she's fine.

We just gotta chitchat and kick the actual factuals.

- What'd he say? - He wants to talk to you.

Oh, you wanna talk. Oh, sure. We can talk.

Let's step right outside and kick the...actual factuals.

Here, let's go. Right up in here.

- Wassup? Oh, whoa. Wait. - What?

You alright, man? You want me to come?

Fine. I'm fine, man.

Look, what they'll do? Untie my shoes?

Okay. Okay.

Okay, look. I'm gonna be outside kicking the actual factuals.

Alright, but if you need us, you let us know. Holler.

You know, I got this certain urge

to rent "Honey I Shrunk the Kids."

[crash]

What was that?

What was that? Ah!

- Yo! Tommy. - Tommy, you alright?

- What happened, baby? - Tommy, wassup man?

- What happened? - I got jacked.

For what?

I don't know. It all happened so fast.

So it turned out that my new girlfriend is his ex-girlfriend.

Next think I know, they bum-rush me.

Yo, you know what? Pam, get Tommy in the house.

Gina, get my bag. We gonna handle this.

- What! - Yeah.

Yo, they hurt my boy!

They hurt my boy, Gina.

Martin, please do not do this, okay.

I mean, if we just calm down--

Babe, you wouldn't understand, okay?

It's a man thing, okay?

Don't nobody hurt one of my boy. It's a man thing.

- Cole. - Yo.

- Let's be out. - Let's go.

[rock music playing]

Yo, Martin, this is a little people's bar.

Okay. We cannot be getting into trouble here.

So? I don't care if it's little people, or it's big people.

It don't matter, man.

Two of 'em hurt our boy, man. Tommy. Okay?

- Okay. - Alright, let's handle this.

Let's do this. Let's do it.

Hey, how you doing?

Alrighty, man. How're you doing, brother?

I'm looking for a brother named Trey. You know him?

- Yeah, I know a Trey. - You do? Cool.

Yeah. Ice tray. He's over there in that freezer.

You should be a little comedian.

Ever heard of the Def Jam? Huh?

- Hey! - Hey!

Now rack 'em.

They think we're fools up in here, Martin.

- Let's not hurt somebody. - Yeah. Yeah.

Now. Wassup, man? How're you doing?

You look like you're nosy.

I'm looking for a brother named Trey.

- Do you know him? - I don't know nobody.

Now step off, Shaquille!

Huh? You don't know him?

- Do you know him, man? - No, man.

- Huh? - I don't know him.

Well, then excuse me. My fault.

Yes, excuse us.

Howdy, partner.

Howdy.

I'm looking for a brother by the name of Trey.

- Have you heard of him? - Uno, dos, tres. Familiar?

I don't know. Why don't you go ask your mama?

"I don't know. Why don't you go ask your mama?"

Okay. Alright. Why don't I--

Think it's a game, man?

Think I'm joking, man? Huh?

Yeah, you think it's a game, man? You think he's joking?

- Huh? - Huh?

- Huh? - Huh?

Huh?

Now. Listen up.

There's a new sheriff in town

and his name is Martin Payne. Now I'm--

And his deputy's name is Cole Brown.

Now, somebody here gonna tell me where Trey is.

Yo, you're looking for me?

Hey! Now I don't want anymore trouble in here.

Shut up, Gary Coleman.

You're damn right I'm looking for you, man.

You think you just gonna get away with coming up in my house

disrespecting us, and then go knock my boy out?

Oh, hell no!

Let me say a little somethin'

before you get done up like your boy just got done, alright?

My old lady has a weakness for tall brothers, right.

And I ain't havin' that.

You know what I'm saying? So I'm gonna flatten your cap.

Ain't gonna be no more of that.

We're gonna kill that noise. See what I'm saying?

What's wrong? Are you scared, punk?

Punk?

Punk, huh?

Talking about a little punk, huh?

I gots to be a punk.

I gots to be names up here.

Is that what you're saying?

'Huh? Punk?'

Huh? Now, why do I got to be a punk?

Why I got to be a punk?

You better go home, Kareem

before I give my partner Benny the word

and he go off on you.

He gonna handle it.

That's right, 'cause I'm crazy, man

and I mean crazy!

Hyah! Hyah! Wa!

Hyah! Hyah! Wa!

Come on.

[blows raspberry] Aah!

Now, I'm crazy, too.

Huh? Huh? Whazzup!

He's crazy!

Huh? Huh? Whazzup!

Aah!

Huh?

Now...let me tell you something, man.

You're going to apologize to my boy Tommy. Alright?

You're going to apologize to me for disrespecting us.

You're going to do it now

before I kick a knot in your little ass.

We too short for a long conversation.

So, come on, little people.

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

- Aw, damn. - Aw, damn.

- Hold still. - My eye.

Let me get this straight.

You were attacked by 20 people

all under four feet tall?

That's right, officer.

Now, uh, where were their parents?

[imitating laugh]

Alright. They were grown men, okay?

This isn't funny, officer.

This is not no joke, of-fi-cer.

You're right, Mr. Payne, really, uh..

This is really not a joke

because if there's one thing tearing this country apart

it's muggings by dwarfs.

You know what? You can raise up out of here with that.

Out. Okay, get to stepping, officer.

I should be going.

I've got to give a ticket

to that UFO double-parked in front of the building.

[laughing]

I love this job.

(officer) 'Whoo! Hee hee!'

He sure was a lot of help.

You see? No one's going to help us.

If we want protection, we got to protect ourselves.

Do it my way.

Martin's right.

As much as I hate violence,

we've got to protect ourselves.

You never when you'll get hit.

Stan knows someone who teaches self-defense.

I'm gonna set up a lesson.

How do you know he's any good?

Because he's a master, Cole.

Dragonfly Jones

master of self-defense.

Whoppa!

It's cool this guy can come here and teach us.

I wish Martin would hurry up.

This was his stupid idea.

[knock on door]

Oh, no.

Hi.

Kee!

Now...

It is a pleasure for you to meet me.

I am Dragonfly Jones

and this is my obedient servant..

Kenji!

It's been three weeks-- time for you to give me my check.

Learning from the master is your pay, punk.

Now get in line before you get hurt.

Move it, huh?

Now, as you all know

I studied under Bruce Lee.

You studied under Bruce Lee?

Yeah. He was on the second floor

and I was on the first.

That will be the only joke

that will be told here this evening.

Now..

I will teach you the fine art

of self-defense.

Man, I really need that money.

Off of me, punk

now get back in line. Silence. Silence

Huh?

Now, I will show you how to execute moves..

and render your opponent...powerless

and at your mercy.

Watch as I will attack..

...and disable..

...my obedient servant..

Kenji!

Hey, Dragon, before we do this

we need to discuss my check.

At 4:00 they're cutting off my phone.

I'm so damn sorry to hear that.

Shouldn't be on the phone anyway.

You should be practicing your art.

Now get over there, boy.

Oh, it is like that huh? Okay.

All eyes...on me.

Come on, partner.

[grunting]

Whoo! That was good!

(Pam) 'You fell good.'

[indistinct chatter]

- Well, that's okay. - Because that'd be fine.

Come on, punk.

Hyah!

Hyah! Hyah!

That was neat.

That was good.

Hyah!

(Pam) Alright.

Let's try this one more time.

My phone's about to get cut off.

Where's my damn money?

In my pocket.

See, I haven't hit him.

Now, are there any questions?

- 'No.' - 'No.'

- None whatsoever. - No questions at all.

Thank you very much.

Y'all have a nice day, then.

Alright, Sensei.

Alright.

Yo, man,

so I get over to Gina's house, right?

Uh-huh.

And Dragonfly Jones is laid out on the floor

surrounded by paramedics.

Uh, yeah, well, uh, you know

he's not really a black belt, Martin.

Uh, he's a mechanic.

He gives a hell of a lube job, though.

Stan, why did you recommend him?

I owe him money

and it seemed easier than paying him.

Are you still going down to that bar tonight?

Most definitely.

Got to go.

Last time they got us, but not this time.

I'm taking my boys with me

'cause there's strength in numbers.

What about me, Martin?

I'm not doing anything.

Come on, Sean, you seem like an easygoing guy.

You ever been in a fight?

Yeah.

In high school I used to get beat up every single day.

Hey, Sean, what good's that going to do me?

Well, I figure I can take some punches for you..

'Cause I can take a punch.

Not.

- Martin! - What?

You have us in the middle of nowhere.

Martin, I've never been in this neighborhood.

Well, you shouldn't have followed me.

I don't want you to get hurt.

I'm alright. I'm gonna be alright.

Told you this ain't no place for women.

Go, home, Gina, it's a man thing.

No, Gina, don't go.

Stay and watch your man get dropped like a bad habit.

- So whazzup? - Whazzup? So whazzup?

What's happening?

You know what, Trey?

Get a load, man.

I ain't come here to fight.

We ain't come to fight. We came to talk.

Now, if you don't start nothin', there won't be nothin'.

I ain't hearing your nonsense.

Your boy stole my woman.

You come here trying to front me off with all that yin-yang.

I ain't having it.

Wow, hey, wait a minute, Martin.

I didn't steal your woman.

She says she hasn't dated you in over six years.

Once mine, always mine, and that's that, alright?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Let's hurt him.

It looks like I'm through growing

so I'm just going to have to break you down to size

then that's that. So let's start throwing.

Wait a minute! Hold on!

Wait a damn minute here!

Come on!

People, what are we doing, huh?

Look at us. What the hell are we doing?

We're get ready to to rumble!

Is that going to solve our problem?

Yeah! Eyyii!

Give me that damn thing!

Sorry. Sorry.

When are we going to learn

that violence will get us nowhere as a people?

Trey, you don't hate me because I'm going out with Shannon.

You hate me because I'm tall, don't you?

I guess.

People, violence begets violence

which leads to the grave.

If we were all to walk that path called love

all my brothers and sisters

we can all get to the promised land!

Amen! Amen! Amen!

Look..

Trey..

the other day at my boy's house

you, um.. you hurt me, man

but, you see, I didn't come here tonight

to get any revenge.

I came here to say that you are my brother..

'and I love you'

but if it makes you feel

like a better man to swing on me, Trey

get some revenge, you go right ahead.

- You go right ahead. - What are you doing?

- It's okay, Martin. - No, no, no.

It's okay.

That's how he knocked your ass out last time.

You go right ahead, Trey.

But before you do, brother

I want you to think about something, huh?

What does it solve?

You know what, man? That's the first time

anybody ever broke it down to me like that, man.

Oh, man, homey.

My mind's playing tricks on me.

Aw, man.

Listen, man.

I'm sorry I took your hat off in there.

I'm saying that was your pool game.

I shouldn't have did that. That was disrespectful.

You know, eh, look, I hemmed you up at the bar, man.

My fault, man.

You know, you don't look like Gary Coleman, alright?

Okay, man. Alright.

Hey, look, Trey, Trey.

This is beautiful, man.

This is lovely, you know.

- You feel me? - Yeah, I feel you.

You know, it is like, wow.

We're here now. We see eye to eye.

- Mano y mano. - Yeah, there you go.

Look, man, if there's anything you need at all, man

you come to me. Talk to me.

Oh, like that? Dig it.

Since everything's fine and dandy

you know, I was just wondering, um, um..

What?

Um, dig it. Can I have a piece of your candy?

[grunting]

[grunting]

[groaning]