Original subtitles

What's up? I'm Martin.

Uh, a lot of people been sending in cards and letters

talkin' about how much they like the show

and we thank you very much, okay?

But then we have some people that get offended

by some of the language.

You know like "hell" and "damn."

and the only reason we use those words

is because we can't say [bleep].

Now, as soon as you all let us say [bleep].

We will stop using weak TV lines like "heck" and "damn."

and [bleep].

Okay. That last one wasn't a weak TV line. Okay.

Just wanted to make sure the censors were listening.

And I see they were. So, Mr. Censors [bleep].

Peace.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪

How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪

He's so crazy!

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪

How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

[Martin laughing]

Where is Cole? I'm starving.

Yo, he better hurry up before he get left.

He said he's picking up his new girlfriend.

His new girlfriend, what happened to big Shirley?

- 'Pam, you didn't hear?' - No.

Well, apparently, she ate one too many Doritos and popped.

[knock on door]

Yo, yo, yo. What's up?

Yo, yo. Sorry I'm late. Check this out, Martin, Tommy.

You'll never guess who I ran into.

Who, Cole?

[clears throat]

I don't think

your name is Martin or Tommy.

Thank you!

Come on, Cole. Who?

Alright, check this out.

Ricky Thompson.

Get out of here, slick. Ricky Thompson?

Oh, I remember when he was the man. Where's he been?

Remember, he used to try sell us those firecrackers.

Yo. That's messed up, what them firecrackers did to his brother.

Not really, man. His brother's cool.

You don't need hands to kick a football.

Ah!

That's cool! Where is he?

Dang!

Who's in the house?

- 'Ricky.' - What's up, man?

What's up?

Oh, oh. Oh!

Oh. Oh!

But I have to say a special hello to the beautiful ladies.

Are you two ladies models?

[Gina chuckles]

[imitating Gina]

Yo, man, look, Ricky. We cool and all that, man.

But this one here, the fine one, that's me.

Is my girl. Okay?

And who is this sweet thing over here?

Oh, that thing?

That's just Pam. You can have that.

Don't pay Martin any mind. See, he's a little slow.

His parents were cousins.

Pamela. Pleased to meet you.

So what you been doing the past few years, man?

Producing some records in Europe.

But since I've been back, I hear Martin's the man

got a big radio show and all that.

Ah, go ahead now. go ahead now.

I don't like to come off like I'm bragging

but you know, brother, do I!

Honey, why don't you invite Ricky to go to dinner with us?

Look here man. We's just gonna go out and get some pizza.

- You wanna hang? - I got a better suggestion.

Why don't we go to Casa Comida

and have some dinner and margaritas.. my treat.

Yo, I used to park cars there, man. That place's expensive.

Hey brother, there's no such thing as expensive

if you having fun.

The last few years have been good to me.

And besides, you can't take it with you, can you?

Uh-huh! That's right, man.

There's no such thing as expensive, alright?

Now, shut up before he remembers how much you can eat.

Hey, can we be out?

- Yes! - Yes!

(Gina) 'And one, and two'

and I don't want no cellulite.

And one, and two, and one, two, three, four

five, six, seven, eight.

And one, and one

and one, two, three, four

work them buns, work them buns.

Girl, don't you start nothing up in here.

Six, seven--

- You go, girl! - Stop, Martin!

- Work it. - Stop it!

- Work it. - See, that's your problem.

Your mind is always in the gutter.

Look, see. That's what made me fall in love.. Right there.

- Martin. - What?

You are lazy. You just can't hang.

You need to be doing what I'm doing. Love handles.

You crazy. Alright, what you got?

Oh, come on. Come on!

Where you at with yours, huh?

And work, and work.

[knock on door]

Why you got to put your knees that high?

I got to get the door.

Probably the neighbors complaining, Heavy G.

- Yo. What's up? - How you doing?

- Alright. - What's up? I'm cool.

- How you doing, Gina? - What's up? What's up?

Boy, the neighborhood sure has changed since I left.

Who is that drunk laying out on the steps?

That's Mr. Obreck, our old principal.

I throw the brother a book now and then

but he refuses to read.

Recession, bro. Recession.

So, what's up man. What's up?

I was going to go downtown to do shopping. You wanna roll?

Yeah, I'll roll. I'm just giving Heavy G. Fitness tips.

You know, when they get all flabby and fluffy,

you got to get rid of them. Just push 'em out.

- That's right, love handles. - Hey, raise up off me.

Martin, would you mind driving?

You see, my Benz is being shipped here from LA

and a brother don't have no transpo

unless you want me to rent a limo or something.

Man, it's cool. You ain't got to do all that. I'll drive.

- Yo, babe, I'll be back. - 'Okay.'

- I loves you. - I love you, too.

Hey, Gina, girl, when you finish working out

and your body's sweaty and glistening..

Yes, Martin?

Put them funky sneakers out in the hallway.

- A bunion cyst. - Shut up. That's a upper lip.

[both laughing]

Yo, man, the last time I had this much stuff

it was during the riots.

Oh man, I'm just playing, man.

Can I help you gentlemen with something today?

Yes. We'd like to look at your watches.

Oh, well. I have some nice ones in this case, right here.

Hmm. Got jewelry shining all up in the house!

Yeah. These are nice.

What's the price on this one?

Let's see. Now, this watch band is white gold.

I could let it go for 2,000.

Pfft! 2,000!

Whoa, whoa! $2,000?

No, no. Excuse me, miss, um--

Jackson. Miss Jackson.

Mmm! Your last name Jackson?

So poppa Joe got you working, huh?

Well, let me ask you a question.

Who's older you or Latoya?

Oh, now, don't be like that, Janet.

Oop!

I mean, Miss Jackson. If you nasty..

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Chill, man. Chill.

- I'm just playing-- - Chill!

- Alright. Alright. - Chill.

I-I'm sorry about that.

Um...I'm in the record industry.

Matter of fact, I'm about to be the next Barry Gordy

so why don't you wrap that up for me, huh?

I'm sorry. For anything over 1,000, I'll have to call it in.

Well, you phone home.

Is there anything that you want? Because I really appreciate

you taking time out and driving me around.

No, I'm cool. But, thanks for the offer.

Are you sure, man? Because, hey, money's no object to me.

Ahem. I ain't usually into jewelry, but damn!

If you put it like that, um, you could hook a brother

with some Jordans from the Foot Locker.

- Alright. There you go. - Alright.

Alright. You're all set, Mr. Eckstein

If you'll just sign right here.

Hmm, Eckstein?

Oh, yeah. That's my stage name. I didn't tell you?

- It's kind of cool, huh? - No.

Yeah. That's real fly.

I'll just wrap this watch right up for you.

- Yeah. Wrap that. - Thank you very much.

Excuse me, gentlemen. That credit card is stolen.

- You're under arrest. - Oh, man.

Hey, man. Yo, bro, you don't raise up on me!

Now, look, officer, okay. I think you made a big mistake.

Tell them your credit card is good, man.

The credit card is good..

but it ain't mine, partner.

Looks like you're caught, partner.

Aw, damn!

Look, bro,

I didn't mean to holler at you earlier, bro.

Gina, where's Martin?

Johnny Gill will start screaming in 15 minutes.

I don't know, Pam.

It's not like him to be late or not call.

I wanna at least wear this dress once before I take it back.

Well, I hope nothing's happened to him.

Me too. I'm getting worried.

Come on, guys. You guys are always overreacting.

You don't know Martin.

He probably at one of his other woman's houses.

[laughing]

Whoo!

[telephone ringing]

- Ahem. I'm gonna get that okay? - Yeah.

Hello. Man, where are you?

I'm in jail.

Um, yeah, well, look.

Ricky got arrested for credit card scamming.

They took me down too. But you know I'm innocent.

And look, whatever you do, do not tell Gina. Look here, bro.

You and Tommy get together $1000 and bail me the hell outta here.

Fast, alright, okay, Cole?

If something happens to me man before you get here

you tell everybody I went down a fight.

'Cause that's how I am. I'm a man. You know what I'm sayin'?

Okay. Whatever you do, man, remember don't tell Gina.

Love you. Bye.

[knuckles crack]

What?

Martin's in jail!

See, Ricky had gotten in trouble with some credit card scam.

He need about $1,000 to get out.

- $1,000? - What're we gonna do?

He could get hurt in there.

Let's bail him out, alright. Where're gonna get $1,000?

Well. I got 200. But y'all need it now?

Yes, Pam!

All I have on me is 100.

I can get about 200 at the atm.

I got about $14.

That's my mother's change from the grocery store.

Where're we gonna get the rest?

I got an idea. Excuse me.

No, Cole!

That's Sheneneh's!

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

Are you crazy?

Are you crazy?

Okay. Cole, you don't knock on people's door like that.

That is disrespectful.

Alright?

I guess the gang is all here. How y'all doing?

We alright. We alright. We have an emergency, okay?

- What? What? - I need a big favor.

I need about $500.

Damn, Cole! We cool and all that

but what you trying to buy, a holiday?

This means that y'all need money from Sheneneh, huh?

Let's see what Sheneneh got for the little kids.

Ha ha!

There! Y'all like that? Huh?

I bet y'all need this money.

I see you, Gina. Look here. Smell that. That's green.

How bad y'all need this?

We need it really bad. Martin's in jail.

What he do? Who'd he kill?

He didn't kill anybody, Sheneneh.

Yes, he did. If he didn't kill nobody, they'd let him go.

Oh, my God. Y'all drove him to it.

Y'all drove him to it. I know!

Sheneneh, look we don't have time for this.

We gotta get down there before it is too late.

Now, can you please help us?

Gina, forget all that.

Girl, stop all the drama and give us the money.

Money went back in the bank, okay?

[commotion]

She's sorry. She's sorry.

She is not!

- I ain't sorry! - She is!

She's very sorry, Sheneneh. Okay? She didn't mean it.

Now, can you please help us?

Can you please back up out of my damn face?

Okay. Just back up, okay?

I don't like you anyway, and you know that.

And you let me think.

And don't be..

don't be sucking your teeth.

Let me think about it.

Sheneneh..

Okay. It's going to cost y'all 5% on the dollar.

- What? - Shut up!

Shut it up. I say, damn. Shut it up.

Zip it. Throw it away.

Tell her to throw it away.

She threw it away.

I didn't see nothing throwed.

- There. Gone. - There it is.

Right there. That's where I want to see it.

Okay, Sheneneh.

Let me kick that key. There.

There.

It's going to cost you 5% on the dollar.

If I don't have my money back as soon as y'all get it

all hell is going to break loose.

Alright? Here.

- Thank you. - Wait. Wait. Whoa. Whoa.

Gina, if you hahh one more time, girl, I'll..

What? What?

Tell her.. Cole..

Cole, you better talk to her. Cole, tell her don't..

- Tell her don't.. - Alright!

- Would you tell her don't.. - Alright!

- Okay. - Now..

I'm very sorry.

- I know you are sorry. - Hah!

Now, you do me a favor.

- You got my money. - Yes, Sheneneh.

When you get down there

if Carl Bridges is still locked up

you tell him, when he gets out he got a place to stay.

You tell him to come see Sheneneh..

Okay? Because I will show him..

...a different stroke, alright?

Look here, Sheneneh.

What's taking you so long?

Better get on back in there and make me my ham sandwich.

Lafonne, you don't have to be embarrassing me

like that in front of my friends.

If you don't know how to hold your liquor

you shouldn't be drinking.

- Alright, baby. I'm sorry. - Whoo..

You working out?

Give me some of this, boy.

Listen up!

Excuse me, "Last of the Mohicans."

What? What?

Now, listen up.

I'm here to do my time, okay?

I don't want nobody in this here corner.

I don't want nobody around me. This me. I needs my space.

I don't want nobody around me. Are we confirmed on that?

- Shut up. - Shut up.

I'll see you when the lights go out.

Right on.

Right on.

Yo, man, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Man, don't look at me like that, Bruce Lee.

I know karate, too. Boy, I'm good with my hands.

Hyah!

I'm good with mine, too.

Yo, man. I should kick you in your neck, man

talking about that car was yours.

I lied.

Uh.. uh.. uh..

Uh.. uh.. uh..

Man..

Well, look. We'll be out of here soon, so don't worry.

Don't worry?

You got me in here with these knuckleheads

and you're talking don't worry, man.

Oh, come on.

All that crap about crazy people in jail

it's just the movies. It ain't real.

- What are you in for? - Yo, man..

Didn't you hear me when I said I don't want nobody in my face?

All up in my space.

Didn't you hear me when I said that, man?

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

So you're gonna be disrespectful and ignore me, huh?

What you in for?

They found 30 bodies buried in my back yard..

but they'll never find their arms.

You know what? I read about you, man.

You're gonna do a lot of time. You're gonna need a hand. Oops.

I guess you got enough of those. Excuse me.

Excuse me, my brother.

Allow me to introduce myself.

- I'm brother Shabazz. - What's up?

You see, the man arrested me for this petty crime

to get the brother man off the street.

Then they put me in here with psychos like that

to mess with my mind.

Now, is it me

or is it a conspiracy, my brother?

Uh, it's just you.

Excuse me, brother.

Before you go let me show you something.

What do you see, brother?

I see a page, man.

A white page..

that means nothing

until you add these black words.

As-salaam-alaikum, my brother.

Peace and a bottle of hair grease to you.

Excuse me, tribe.

Can I get to the phone?

You know? What's up?

[kissing sound]

Hey, hey. Y'all cancel that, alright?

Ain't going to be any kissing.

I don't play all that.

Y'all kill that noise.

I ain't the one, you know I'm sayin'?

'Cause I ain't no punk about mine.

Somebody pick up the phone!

Somebody pick up the phone!

I would never leave y'all in jail.

I'm scared.

I'm so scared.

Tell my mama I said hi.

I love her.

Hey, you homesick little girl.

It looks like you could use a friend.

[growling]

Stop the press.

Stop the press.

Alright, now look here, bro.

Before we get into a little physical confrontation

try this.

Before you go growling up in people's face

take one tic-tac, and put it in your mouth

and get a bang out of life.

I'm telling you, man, because your breath is h-h-humming.

Alright, it's humming.

Okay. Your breath is tart, bro.

Okay? Alright?

Your breath is kicking like Van Damme.

- You better shut the hell up! - Uh-huh.

Don't nobody be grabbing me.

I said don't grab me.

Somebody.. Somebody get him off me.

Somebody get him off me.

Now stop it.

See, I did not want to harm this man, you know?

But my mind, you know it was poisoned..

...by the system.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I didn't fight this man.

- The system fought this man. - That's right.

So I say unto you, as your new leader

is that brother against brother is a house what?

- Divided. - Divided.

Divided, brothers. You know?

See, this is why we gotta pick up a book and read.

We got to go through the pages

because how are we going to rise as a civilization

without what, brothers?

- Knowledge. - Knowledge.

Knowledge. Alright.

Preach on, my brother. Preach on.

See, bro, there you go

with the grabbing and the touching again.

See, that's what got your ass whipped at the phone.

Now, now, now. You didn't know.

It's gonna be alright.

Alright? Now, where was I?

- We didn't hoodwink. - Yeah.

- Bamboozle. - Yeah.

We didn't land on Plymouth Rock. Plymouth Rock landed on us.

Martin!

Baby, are you alright?

- Yo, Gina! - Honey.

Baby, I been institutionalized.

I shamed you all.

- No! - Yes, I have.

Hey, everybody, this is my girl Gina, I was telling you about.

(in unison) Hi, Gina.

Yeah. Remember that?

- Alright, Martin X. - Yeah.

Your bail's been posted.

- It's about damn time. - Yeah.

No, I bet he is a cop..

I tried to tell him, but he didn't believe.

Just think I's criminal.

Hey, hey, Martin, man, don't leave me in here.

Hold on.

Aw, Ricky.

Look, it's gonna be alright.

I'm gonna take care of you, okay?

You're my boy. Big man?

Yes, my brother?

Alright. Alright.

Look here. This is a partner of mine, alright?

So make sure you take care of him.

Don't worry. I like Ricky.

As a matter of fact

I'm going to make it like one big honeymoon in here. Mmm.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Before you go on the honeymoon

what're you supposed to get?

A tic-tac.

There you go. Let it marinate.

You know what, I'm just so glad to see y'all.

I mean, especially you, baby.

Yeah, you, Cole. My man, Tommy.

Oh, yeah. You, too, Pam.

Hey, guys, I been hurting.

Can I get some love, please?

(all) Awe!

[all sighing]