Original subtitles

Sorry for the inconvenience, people.

But you kids are too wild at the club today.

Just wanna make sure nobody gets hurt

smugglin' any weapons in, alright?

Come on here. Let me see now. Okay.

How you doing, partner? Have a good time.

How you doin', lady? Have a good time.

Whoa, whoa! Damn! The ugly buzzer just went off.

You brothers are ugly as hell.

If ugly was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

Now get out the club. Please leave the club.

You're messin' it up. Let's go.

Just move it that way. That's right. Don't stop.

Let's go. Hold on partner. Hold on.

Looks kinda crazy. But I gotta check you, partner.

Hold on. Take your..

Well, take your hands out your pocket.

Let me check.

Alright, partner. Go on. You're clean.

Damn! Damn! Hold on!

You didn't think I saw those midgets, did you?

Come on? Pay for three. Let's go. Three people.

You try to sneak 'em in, you pay for the midgets.

Lady. Okay.

Now let me shake one of 'em hands.

Excuse me, I'm the owner of this club.

What are you doin' here?

Oh, you didn't call for security, boy?

No, I did not.

Well, I'm sorry partner. Don't get hostile, okay.

I only work about, what, 15 minutes.

So that'll be $40. I'm just tryin' to help.

Man, $40. I ain't payin' you nothing.

If you don't get on outta here,

I might have to hurt you, old man.

While I try to help your club

and you say you're gonna hurt me?

Take your best shot, boy. Huh?

Boy you funny as hell. Is that all you got?

Huh, huh, huh? Come on.

[indistinct chatter]

Hold on, boy.

Huh? Get up.

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

How y'all feel?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

♪ Yo ♪ ♪ He's so crazy ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

How y'all feel?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

[upbeat music]

You know, that Steven Seagal movie was whack.

Oh, yo, yeah, you don't press somebody elbow

and then they die. Yeah, right.

Yo, man, I'm gonna tell you like this.

If y'all see a brother with a ponytail and some tight jeans

whoop my ass? Kill me.

What was up with his gut? Splat-out!

No, babe. You mean, Spla-k-k-k-lat-a!

Yo, you would think with all them Kung Fu lessons

Steven Seagal would have did a couple of sit-ups.

Boy walkin' around all fat and bloated lookin' like Elvis..

Yo, for real. Seagal was weak, man. I could take him.

You don't have to. All you gotta do is cough on him.

You need to take your behind home.

We couldn't hear half the movie with all your hackin'.

I'm sorry. I can't seem to shake this cold, y'all.

Cole, please don't make me sick.

I have a very important project at work this week

and it could mean a promotion.

- Right girl? - Come on now.

Mo' money. Mo' money.

Uh, what exactly is that you do, Gina?

I'm in marketing, you know that.

Alright, alright. That's cool.

That's cool. My cousin's in marketing.

She-she's the one that says plastic or paper, you know her?

- Chips. - Oh, yeah.

[coughing]

[indistinct chatter]

I'll have some.

If I'd have known that's all I had to do

to get the whole bowl I'd did it a long time ago.

[upbeat music]

[Martin coughing]

Excuse me. But I'm telling you, okay.

Black history month should be in December

when you get 31 days.

Stickin' us in February that's only 28 days.

I'm tellin' you, it's a conspiracy.

You know what I'm sayin'?

But look here, we gotta break for commercials

so we'll be back after word from Shamaurice.

Excuse me. Enjoy the intimate dining experience of Shamaurice.

[coughing]

Try a succulent T-bone steak simmering in its own..

...juices.

So hurry on down to Shamaurice where everyone loves to..

That-that's I gotta go

but I'll see you when I see you, okay? Sorry. Peace.

Martin, What are you doing?

We got over an hour of show left.

Yo, man put it to tape.

- Oh. - Uh..

Martin? Where do you think you're going?

Ah, you know, I own you for another hour.

No. Look, look, Stan. I can't go on, man.

- I got a cold. - What? What's wrong with you?

- I caught a cold from Cole. - What?

- I caught a cold from Cole. - You want a Coca Cola?

Stan, I'm sick, man. Alright? I need the rest of the day off.

Hell no! You know, young people kill me nowadays.

Always wanting the day off, when they sneeze

or they run over by a bus.

Look...let me tell you a story, Martin.

Don't even go there, alright. I'm sick enough, man.

- Man. It was 1973 or '74.. - '74, Stan.

I was workin' three jobs and goin' to school.

I came down with..

...with the flu. And what did I do?

I continued to work, Martin.

And that's how I got my first business.

Oh, give me a break, Stan. Alright?

You didn't get it working hard. You gave your boss the flu.

Alright, he died of pneumonia and left you the business.

You can't prove that.

Anyway, the point is I continued to work. That is my point.

- Look, come on, Stan. I'm.. - So what?

[sneezing]

Oh, oh. Oh, God.

You got that mucus all in my eye.

All on my tie.

Oh, well. With that tie you don't even notice it.

[upbeat music]

Look, I know we're a little under the gun

but we've got to finish our project deadline by tomorrow.

Now, I've come up with some ideas that--

I'm sorry, Ms. Waters, but there's a call on Line Two.

They say it's important.

Okay. Excuse me. Sorry.

This is Ms. Waters.

Martin? Honey, I'm in a meeting right now.

Can't talk right now. Bye.

Sorry. Um, what was I saying? Right, right, right.

Un, there have been some problems

with the dialects on the promotional tee shirts

and I have a solution that will reduce the cost by 25 percent--

Excuse me, Ms. Waters. Line Two again.

They said it was an emergency.

[sighs]

Hello.

Martin. Martin, I told you I'm in a meeting.

Honey, I'm sorry you're sick. But..

Alright, alright, Martin. What color is it?

Really? Well, um, just-just drink some juices.

And I'll talk to you later, okay. Bye.

- Um, Pam, where was I please? - You're talking about dialects.

I'm sorry. He said it was a matter of life and death.

Her boyfriend has a cold.

Martin, call a doctor and leave me alone.

Hello? Hello?

- Martin? - What happened?

I was talking to Martin and the line went dead.

Look, Pam, I need to go check it out.

- Would you over for me? - Yeah, Gina.

But if you want this promotion

you're gonna have to finish this up tonight.

Don't worry about it. We will. Okay?

Ah, excuse me. Pam is gonna finish up here. Thanks, girl.

Okay, everybody, Gina's gone and I don't have a boyfriend.

So it looks like we're gonna be here all day.

[instrumental music]

Martin? Baby? What happened, honey?

Well.

What a surprise!

Look who finally decided to show up.

Hello, Mrs. Payne. Is Martin alright?

How'd you get in here? Did I leave the door unlocked?

- No, I have a key. - Does Martin know?

Yes, he gave it to me.

Well, I gotta talk to him about trustin' everybody.

Look, is Martin alright?

Alright? Child, the boy's half dead.

Luckily I was in the neighborhood

lookin' for the numbers man.

Four, Five, Nine. Remember that number.

- That's the one.. - I better go see him.

Now don't go back there disturbin' him!

He's in his drawers. He don't need you peekin' at him.

- Maybe I'll make him some tea. - Tea?

Hell, we ain't in England.

Or maybe I'll give him some orange juice.

Orange juice?

Well, why don't you just go on back there

and shoot him in the damn head?

Now, let me tell you how to take care of my boy.

Oh, yes, please, Mrs. Payne. Tell me, tell me, please.

I'd like to know, please.

Child, have you lost your damn mind?

You ain't too grown to get double back slap.

I'll bring you here, pow! Then bring you there.

What?

I'm sorry.

Tell me, please.

Now, you give him a cup of my remedy every hour.

You put garlic in his shoes.

You rub pork fat on his chest.

Got to be an oily thing.

You put a-a boiled egg in a sock and you hang it in the doorway.

- Why? - Child, I don't know.

Just do it. My mama did it.

Her mother did it. Just do it.

You modern women have no idea how to take care of no sick man.

Yes, we do.

Nowadays, you can have a career

and you can take care of your man too.

Well, I guess you done told me.

All I did was raise him for 27 years.

I worked seven jobs tryin' to put him through school.

Back and forth to the principal's office.

In and out of juvenile home. But did I complain?

But did I complain? No.

Just like I did not complain

when I brought him into this world.

And, child, the boy's head was the same size of his neck.

Thirty eight hours.

[exhaling]

Thirty eight hours of hard labor, Gina.

And you never know how hard.

They were pullin' the boy by his ears.

If I hadn't sneezed..

...I'd still be pregnant.

I guess I don't know as much as you, Ms. Modern Woman.

Now, look here. I gotta get ready to go.

But if something happen to my baby

you better watch your back.

Don't make no damn sense. And got me all rattled up.

I don't want him with you anyway.

Four, five, nine.

Tell me I can't take care of my man. I can take care of my man.

(Martin) 'Momma.'

[upbeat music]

Martin? Hey, baby you sick?

Hey, baby. Where's my mama?

She's not here, Martin. I'm gonna take care of you now.

Oh, babe, thank you.

But I don't think you could take care of me.

I think I need my mama.

You, you want her pager number?

No, Martin. You don't need your mother.

I'm perfectly capable of taking care of you myself.

Now put this cold towel on your head.

Ah-ah! Babe, it's cold.

My mother generally makes it warm.

Okay, well, I'll warm it up.

- Alright. Thank you, my angel. - You're welcome.

[bell ringing]

- What is that? - This is my sick bell.

I had this since I was seven.

Oh.

Well, what-what do you need?

Ah, would you check my temperature please?

- Oh, sure, baby. No problem. - Okay.

Alright, alright..

Martin?

No. We're not goin' there, Martin.

Martin-Martin, no! We're not going..

Turn around. Turn around and sit up. Okay.

- Open your mouth. - What?

You don't know how to put it in?

Open your mouth.

- Sit up. - Okay.

- You ready? - I'm cold.

Okay, okay.

Ow! Ow! Get it out. You're chokin' me.

Martin, be still.

You're trying to kill me

like that lady in "Misery."

Martin, I-I told you to sit up, okay.

I can't, babe. I'm uncomfortable.

These sheets hurt.

Will you fluff my pillows please?

- Sure, whatever. Fine. Okay. - Oh, please. Thank you.

- Come on. - Okay. Hold on.

- Ow. I'm sore. - Okay.

Oh, babe, hurry it up, it's cold.

Hurry. It's cold, baby.

- Come here. Come over here. - Okay.

- Thank you. - Alright.

Thank you. That's better, baby.

Okay, good. Alright. Pam is gonna be here.

And we have some important work to do, Martin.

But if you need me I'll be in the other room, okay?

Okay. I'll just ring my bell, okay?

- Okay. - Alright.

[bell ringing]

What is it, Martin?

I wanted to see if you could hear it.

[bell ringing]

- Martin! - No, no. I'm serious this time.

- Hurry up. - Okay.

C-could you make me some chicken soup please?

- Yes, Martin. - Okay.

[bell ringing]

Could you chop it into tiny pieces like what my mama does?

- Yes, Martin. - Okay. Thank you.

[bell ringing]

I love you.

[bell ringing]

What?

You didn't say you love me back.

I love you!

[bell ringing]

You ain't gotta give no attitude.

You want little pieces.

I'm gonna give you little pieces.

I don't even know what I'm doing.

Hey, Gina. I brought the report home, so we could finish it.

Girl, what are you doing?

I'm trying to make chicken soup.

You know how to cut a chicken?

Please, that's what I pay the colonel for.

Come on over here so I can show you these notes.

Oh, let me take a look.

[bell ringing]

Oh, no. Tell me that's not what I think it is.

Please tell me that you have a ice cream truck

in the next room.

(Martin) 'Gina. Gina.'

I'll be right there!

Look, Gina, if you want this promotion

we gonna have to finish this tonight.

The messenger will be here in less than an hour.

Right, right.

[Martin groaning]

[coughing]

Gina?

Di-didn't you hear me, Gina baby?

Ding a ling ling. Ding a ling ling.

Please tell me that's not yours

'cause that's the ugliest baby

I've ever seen.

Oh, you mind your business, Pam.

Martin, what do you need, honey?

Is-is my chicken soup ready yet?

No, the soup isn't ready, Martin. I'm still workin' on it.

Look, why don't you go back into the bedroom.

And I'll bring it when I'm done.

But I'm lonely in there.

Alright, Martin. You can sit here.

But you gotta be quiet.

The clock is ticking, Gina.

I'm here, pam.

[whining]

Baby, I-I could barely, I could barely walk.

I got the gout.

Martin, you do not have gout.

I put garlic in your shoes, sweetie.

- Garlic? - Yeah.

His mother told me to do that, Pam.

Oh. Here's your garlic.

Ow. Ow, ow.

Oh, give me that garlic. Okay. Alright.

Get that garlic off the..

Okay. Ooh! I feel so much better now, baby.

I can feel my fever goin' down already.

Look, y'all, go on 'bout y'all business.

Don't mind me, okay?

Gina, we've got to finish this.

Get rid of him.

Hey, Martin, honey.

Honey, I love you, baby. Come on.

You gotta turn off the television. Go back to bed.

Yeah, okay. You're right.

I'll just, I'll just go in the kitchen

and make my own soup.

Since you didn't.

Baby, I'm sorry, I'll do it, okay? I'm gonna do it.

- You will? - Ah, no, no, baby.

You can't. We have got to finish this.

Martin, would you make it yourself?

Hey, don't yell at me, alright?

I'm just a sick brother trying to take my mind off the pain.

Ow! Ow!

- Martin, are you alright? - I'm cool.

Ahh! Damn it!

Martin, what's wrong?

We're outta orange juice.

Hey, y'all. Yo, what's up? What's up?

Now I know we're never gonna get this work done, Gina.

Hey. My boys. Thank God, y'all are here.

I need somebody to take care of me.

Just give me 30 minutes and I'll be free, okay.

- All I need is just 30 minutes. - Thirty minutes, Gina.

We will have him cured in 30 minutes.

You tell 'em, Tommy.

Okay, you see, it's an old family remedy.

Here, first, you take your vapor rub

and you rub that all over your body.

Then you take the collard greens, right.

And you wrap this up in 'em.

Why you, why don't you just wrap him up in some

black eyed peas and corn bread and make a meal out of him?

- Tommy, I'm feeling kinda weak. - Mm?

Would you rub this on my chest please?

Hell no! Can't do that.

- Cole? - Um, no.

I ain't like that. I'll make you some soup.

Why you gotta be like that to rub someone's, my chest, man?

That's the problem with us brothers today.

We don't know how to finesse

each other without being, you know.

Finesse?

Gina...would you rub this on my chest please?

Look, Martin, we're trying to work here.

Martin, give me five minutes. I promise.

You-you're right. I don't need it anyway.

I don't need to breathe.

Oh, would you die already.

Give me that. Give it to me.

- Give it to me, Martin. - Oh, I don't believe..

- Hurry up, Gina. - Alright. Come here. Come..

Ow! Ow! It hurts. Not so rough. I'm sensitive.

Look, Gina, they're double chargin' us for shipping.

- What? Let me see that. Oh! - I don't believe this.

No! Look what I did to the..

Look what you made me do to the paper.

I got grease all over it.

- Here's a towel. - Thank you.

Gina, look what it's doing to the ink.

[knock on door]

(male #1) 'Messenger for pick up.'

No, the messenger is here. I can't even read this.

Martin, look what you made me do.

I'll help you read it, Gina.

[indistinct chatter]

(male #1) 'Messenger for pickup.'

Damn, my soup!

Martin, I have tried.

Lord knows I have tried, Martin.

But I can't do both.

I can't wait on you hand and foot and do my job too.

Martin, I'm not your superwoman. I'm not your mother.

You got that, Martin? Martin, don't just lie there.

Say something.

[screams]

Damn!

[instrumental music]

Excuse me, baby. I thought you could use this.

Oh, thank you.

Babe, it's 3:00 a.m. in the mornin'.

You still workin' on this report?

Mm, almost done.

Look, girl, I know. I am sorry.

I know I was buggin' earlier.

But that's how I get when I'm sick, babe. Alright.

Now look, I don't want you to be my mother.

I want you to be you.

Thank you, baby.

- Alright. - You feeling any better?

- Ah, girl, I feel much better. - Yeah?

Since I let it out. Had to get it out.

A lot of times that would happen, you built up in here

and you don't let it out then that's what he cold for.

- Yeah, I feel good. - Good.

- Baby...feel my neck. - Huh?

- Say, feel better, right? - Yeah.

- Feel my head. - Yeah, it feels better.

Now go back to the chest. Go to the chest.

- Feel the chest. Uh-huh. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[indistint]

[instrumental music]

[Martin groaning]

(Gina) Martin.

Martin.

Martin.

[laughing]

[indistinct]

[laughing]

[indistinct chatter]