Original subtitles

To my valentine baby.

- Yeah. - On Valentine's Day.

Spladow!

- Do you really like it? - Gina, it's beautiful.

♪ Doin' the butt ♪

You didn't like my gift, that's all you had to say.

The thought was beautiful. But the gift was all wrong.

Your father so tight he could bag into a wall

and suck out a brick.

You can never be like my mother.

You're right about that, Martin. I can't grow a moustache.

You better stop before I say something I regret.

Too late. You already have.

No, I'm goin' over there. I gotta go talk this out.

Martin! My statue!

You just threw my stuff in a box

like you were gonna throw it out for garbage!

Maybe we are too different, Martin.

I guess we gotta do what we gotta do.

[theme song]

♪ You so crazy ♪

[music continues]

[hip-hop music]

Oh, man, this is, uh, when me and Gina

went to Lake Michigan, man.

Tommy. Tommy!

Cole. Cole!

Look, man, ain't there a game on or somethin'?

We've been watching this for three hours, man, come on.

No, man, alright. We're watching home videos.

I need to find out where me and Gina went wrong

in our relationship, man.

Oh! Yo-yo-yo. That's my baby in a bathing suit.

Hmm!

My baby had it goin' on that day y'all.

Look, look. Now she smilin' for me.

Look, she's flirting with you now, Martin.

Now look, she pulling down.. Woah! Woah!

Yo! Yo, man.

Yo, Tommy, you ain't see nothing, did you, man? Huh?

- No, no, no. - I didn't think so.

Cole! You ain't see nothing.

- Did you, man? - No. No.

Huh? You sure you ain't see nothin'?

- Never saw that. - Uh-huh. Okay. Cool.

'Cause if you did I might have to kill you, man.

Yo, Tommy, come on, man, let's get up out of here.

Man, why don't we just go to a club? I'm tellin' you!

Sittin' around here feeling sorry for yourself

is not doin' any good.

No, man. You brothers go ahead, alright.

I ain't ready for no club right now.

Come on, Martin, look...there's a whole new

crop of women out there, man.

And they are easy to talk to, boy.

Tellin' you, look. Use this line. Never fails, alright.

You walk straight up to the first woman you see.

Say, "Yo! woman.

You're so beautiful, I'd lay down and die for you."

And just lay over down. Right down on the ground.

I'm telling you it works every time. Women go wild for that.

That works, Cole?

Unless, uh, the woman got a dress on.

Then you just get kicked in the head.

But, um, you still get that peek.

Time to go out into the world.

- Oh, man. No, man. - Martin. Come on, man.

No, no, Tommy, I'm tellin'..

It's kinda sad puttin' our whole life together away in a box.

Not as sad as this poem he wrote you.

"How do you go, girl? Let me count the ways."

Now come on, Gina. That is sad.

He tried, okay?

Well, this is it.

Goodbye, Martin.

And good riddance. I mean, Gina, it's time you found a new man.

And you need one now. And I've got the perfect guy for you.

What? No. No, I'm not ready yet.

- Uh-huh! Excuse me. - Come on, Gina.

You just cannot sit at home. You have to get on with your life.

And besides, this guy's perfect.

Then why haven't you dated him?

Because he is my cousin, Leon.

There are laws against that.

I don't know. It took me a long time to find Martin.

It's gonna take me even longer to get over him.

- Pladow! I know. - Whoo! Girl, he's gorgeous.

[gasps] Girl, he looks like Denzel Washington.

Oh, wait a minute. That is Denzel.

That's my cousin, Leon.

- What're you doing? - Calling him.

- Who? - My cousin Leon.

- Who you think? - Hang up! Hang up!

Wait a minute, Gina. You've to eat dinner.

He has to eat dinner. So you might as well do it together.

- No. No. - Hello, Leon. Hi! It's Pam.

Yeah, I have a girlfriend here that's dying to meet you.

- Hate you. - Yes. She saw your picture.

And child, she just fell in love with you.

I did not. Get off the phone, Pam.

- I'm not playin'. - Her name is Gina Waters.

No. She does not have any kids.

Oh, God, I'm..

I'm not listening to this. I'm not listening to this.

Tell him I'm pretty. Tell him I'm pretty!

S-s-she's pretty.

- And she's wholesome too. - What?

She's a pretty wholesome, church goin' family girl. Uh-huh.

- I think she's even a virgin. - Pam!

Would you be quiet?

He's a minister at the church on 3rd.

- Now, would you trust me? - He's a what?

Uh-huh, tomorrow at eight? That'd be great.

I can't go out with a minister. Girl, give me the phone.

Okay, she lives at 120 North, Hucker Street, Apartment 4C.

Okay, I'll talk to you later, bye.

I'm hookin' you up.

I'mma kill you. Oh! I'mma kill you.

Pam, I'm angry. I'm very, very angry with you.

So you think he's gonna like me?

[instrumental music]

Get off me! Man, you ain't gotta push, man.

- What're we doing here? - We're here to have fun.

Remember? Hey, hey, how you doing, man?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember.

Yeah, that's right, ladies. Lil' single man up in the house, now.

Yeah! Go on, now. Look at you, girl with 'em boots.

You better slow down before you burn up.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, I'm tellin' you, man, it's like, uh..

...poor girl, Russ up in here, but, uh

he lines ain't as long. Mm-hm.

Yo, boy. Put a pacifier in it.

I see you looking at me. Come on. Bring it on.

Wassup?

Oh, oh, you gonna try to diss me?

Well, you better get that horse back his hair.

Martin? Remember me?

Debra, two years ago. Remember?

Oh, hey, Debra. How you doin, baby?

Martin, you remember, we met at the club?

Then we went back to your apartment and made love.

And I asked, "If you'd still respect me in the morning?"

- And you said, "Yes". - Oh, with all due respect.

Well, you never called, Martin, and I sat by that telephone

for two years. Two years, Martin.

Who do you think you are?

Did you ever sit by your telephone

for two years, huh, Martin?

I don't think so. Try it sometime.

You know what.. Do you think you're the big man?

You think you are. Well, I got news for you, Martin.

- You ain't all that. - Hey, hey, hey.

That's why I didn't call you, 'cause of your attitude.

And get your neck fixed.

What's wrong with you, man?

Got kicked in the head by a lady with her dress on.

I got my peek though.

Excuse me, aren't you Martin Payne?

Hey, listen, woman, I called you, alright. Alright.

But they said, "Please don't call here no more.

- She don't live here." - What're you talking about?

- We've never met. - Oh.

But I think that you're the sexiest thing alive.

Every time I listen to your voice on the radio

I just get all hot and steamy.

Wassup?

[chuckling] Well, girl, then you take off this jacket

before you g-get a heat rash up in here girl.

[shouting] Ooh!

Damn!

Yo!

What the hell are you, a chia pet?

It's just a little chest hair.

The Europeans find it very sexy.

- Don't you? - Hell no. That ain't sexy.

Now, now, get out of here, sasquatch. Go!

And shave your knuckles.

Oh, ho. When I was caught up.

[whining] Gina, why? Gina, why?

Why you got me out in the club looking for new love?

You was my baby, Gina.

♪ And if I ♪

♪ Fall in love again ♪

♪ I will be sure that the lady is a friend ♪

[crying]

Gina! Why, Gina!

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me. Are you alright?

Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm cool, uh..

Just, uh, you know, air conditioner

keep on dripping so bad, you know.

- Ah, but I'm cool. I'm cool. - Aw.

You just broke up with your girlfriend, didn't you?

Is it obvious?

Yeah, how long did you two date?

Well, we were together for a year and a half.

A beautiful year and a half.

[screaming]

Wo-hoo! Sometimes you gotta let it out.

I know what you mean, I, uh..

...I just broke up with my boyfriend too.

O-oh! I'm so sorry to hear that.

- Yeah. - You must get real lonely, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

I don't even know what I'm doin here, you know.

My partners dragged me out of the house.

You know, I didn't wanna be here either.

I can't stand clubs, I mean I'd rather be at home

watching the Pistons play.

No, you did not say you like the Pistons.

- Yeah. - Girl, I'm Martin.

- Nicole. - Hey, Nicole.

Well, Martin, I think I should go.

You know, I mean, I didn't wanna bother you

but y-you just looked like you needed a friend.

Uh, Nicole..

I do need a friend.

Will you be my friend?

- Okay. - Thank you, Nicole. Thank you.

Thank you.

How about two friends get together

tomorrow night for dinner?

You know, I'm free all week except for tomorrow night.

[crying] Oh! But I wanted tomorrow night.

Okay, okay, okay. You've got it.

- I-I'll cancel my plans. - I'll start making some.

Yeah.

[up-beat music]

What about this? Is this any better?

No, absolutely, not.

My cousin may be a minister but he's still a man, Gina.

Just wear what you have on. It's perfect for Shea Morris.

Shea Morris. No, no, no, Pam.

That's where Martin used to take me.

Not anymore. Martin's history.

Hello, my sister cousin.

Oh! Look at you.

Oh, you done grown.

You just bustin' out every which or where.

Uh, now, I haven't seen you down at the congregation lately.

Tell me what's missing from C-H, blank-blank, C-H?

U-R.

Think on that, would you please just for a minute.

Damn!

Well, now you must be Gina.

Well, does the Lord know how to create a thing of beauty

or does the Lord know how to create a thing of beauty?

Thank you.

I am Reverend Leon Lonnie Love.

Can I bless you two times?

Amen and amen again.

Well, I better be going. I hope you two have a wonderful time.

Uh, Gina, I think I will be borrowing that jacket after all.

- Thank you, Pam. - Oh, and, uh..

- My sister cousin. - Ah-hah.

I will be expecting you at Bible class next Saturday.

I'll be speaking on the evils of, um

fornication..

...adultery and all things of a sexual nature.

Oh and, uh-uh, deaconess Rubella will be bringing the fruit pies.

You just be sure to keep my pew warm.

Oh, I'll do that now.

Lord, you've done grown.

- Well, now my, my.. - Uh, Leon.

Look, look. I have something to tell you.

I just, I just broke up with someone

and I'm feeling a little rushed into this date.

Well, I know. I know. You're a good girl, ain't you, Gina?

Mm-hm.

So why don't you get on your knees?

- What? - Oh, oh! And pray!

- And pray with me. - Oh.

Now, you might wanna close your eyes

'cause this may require some laying on the hands.

Sister Gina...is going through

a period of intense struggle, and she need to be strong.

There are many evils out in the world today.

And, uh, Satan..

...Lucifer Beelzebub..

...comes in many forms.

Not just the form of a serpent!

Can I get a Amen?

Make it go a little faster.

- A-Amen. - Thank you, baby.

He may come in the form of a man

who's not been out with a woman in three years.

Three years, six months

two weeks and 14 hours to be exact.

A man that just wants to lay his hand

on that soft supple perky little..

Down, Satan, I rebuke you!

I rebuke you, oh, Prince of Darkness.

Down, I say!

Are you alright?

Oh, yeah, I'm cool. Come on, let's go eat.

Look, look, I don't know about this, I'm feeling a little--

Gina...just relax. It's only dinner.

'Cause as you know it's always better to break bread

with your fellow man than to eat alone.

Uh, okay.

Ooh, mercy, mercy.

Damn it mine eyes.

Damn it mine eyes!

Uh, Gina...it's the first Eldorado on the right.

[instrumental music]

Hey now.

This brother here is a minister

from the church of heavenly bodies.

You know, he and I used to pimp the ghetto

when we were back in Cleveland.

Now we only pimp it for the Lord.

Hallelujah!

Let me ask you something.

How is it that ministers can afford

these kind of restaurants?

Well, as you know, my sister, God does provide.

[chuckles]

God provides like a son of a bitch.

I'm-I'm telling you, you're gonna love it, alright.

Just get the appetizers, alright.

- Okay. - Ha-ha.

Oh, oh, oh. Oh, okay.

- So it's like that, huh? - Uh, excuse me?

Nah, I just see a couple of friends.

Uh, let's go say hi.

- Oh, God. - Are you alright?

Yeah, I'm fine. Sometimes I just feel it. That's all.

Wel, don't fight the feeling now, baby. Don't fight it.

What's up now?

- How you live? - Hi.

- Hi, Martin. - Alright.

Leon Love, this is Martin Payne.

Brother man! Sister woman.

You are truly blessed.

[laughing] And you know that.

Yeah. Well, this is, uh, my new girlfriend.

My new baby.

And she's cute too, isn't she?

She sure is, but it's a school night

doesn't your little friend here have to go home

and finish her book report?

[sarcastic laughter]

So I guess we got to go there, huh?

[laughing]

Well, you're right. I'm gonna let you be alone.

You and your uncle.

Martin, no, no! He's not my uncle.

He's my new boyfriend.

Mercy, does thou tempt me?

[chuckles] Well I can understand how you're feeling

'cause this is my new ba-by.

[snarling]

- Ha-ha. - You go, boy.

[laughing]

You what?

No, no, no. See, that's just a little expression that we use.

Ha-ha-ha!

Monsieur and Mademoiselle

will you be joining your friends for dinner?

Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Bring a couple glasses of wine.

Hook us up. Ha-ha!

I will not be imbibing this evening.

You know, I can't remember the last time

I tasted of the devil's nectar.

Not since the old days, when I was backsliding.

Now the only spirit I taste are the...holy spirit.

Hallelujah.

What? So you know God like that, huh?

Oh, amen, brother.

[laughing]

So, can I ask you a question, man?

Just what exactly do you do, man?

Well, I'm just a humble servant of the Lord.

Oh, well, then act like you're in heaven

and serve a brother a biscuit, man.

Now, uh, you don't wanna mess with one of God's servants.

One prayer from me and he'll take you out.

Whoa!

[laughing]

You must've said something.

[laughing]

Stop it.

So, um, you're a religious man, huh?

Oh, amen, brother.

So, uh, I guess that means you won't be, uh..

...doing the nasty until you get married, am I right?

Oh, now, that goes without saying, brother

'cause as you know, I'm beyond mere carnalities

'cause the flesh can be so weak.

Ha-ha, well, you know, if it's that weak, brother

maybe you ought to get yourself an implant.

[laughing]

Ah, yeah.

Don't get God started.

If he does one more thing, Lord, strike him down.

Martin, maybe you should just leave. Excuse me, waiter?

Waiter, this is a private table.

Could you please escort these people to their own table

unless you have a drive through window?

Did you say drive through window? Now that's funny.

- Martin, let's go. - No, I'm not leaving.

- You leave. - What? This is our table.

Well, then take your table with you when you leave.

- You guys, he's choking. - No, he's not.

Yes, he is! His eyes are bulging!

Would you mind your business, please?

Hey, you ain't gotta talk to her like that.

- Martin, he's choking! - Hey brother.

Hey brother. Don't fight it, alright?

It's probably the Lord trying to call you home.

What?

Oh, let me, let me help you outta here, brother.

Let me help you. Where you at? Right up in here.

Right up in here? Huh? Huh?

[screaming]

- That's it. That's it. - Huh?

Martin, stop it! Stop it!

[indistinct yelling]

Oh, Gina! Hold me!

Uh, check, please? This one's on me.

Oh, let me get the tip.

[instrumental music]

Oh, man! What a terrible date, uh?

Oh, baby, it wasn't that bad.

Look, Nicole, I got a little confession to make.

You know that girl Gina you met tonight?

- Mm-hmm? - She wasn't an old friend.

I know who she was, Martin.

- You do? - Yes.

Oh, damn! I blew with you, didn't I?

- No! - No?

Martin, it takes time to get over a relationship.

And I can already see that

you're a caring and loving man.

[amused laughter] Well, no one ever accused you of being blind.

And that's what I find so attractive.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

- You think I'm fine? - Mm-hmm.

I also think that I'm in love with you, Martin Payne.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]