Original subtitles

Stop the madness!

Otis, the security guard is here.

Look here, punk.

You got five minutes for your cigarette break.

Five minutes, okay? That's all.

Now let's keep on movin'.

Let's just keep on movin'.

You don't wanna get Otis mad.

Temporary washroom attendant.

Wait, boy.

You just reach it? You're gonna leave a tip?

Now, come on, bra.

Wait, I heard something, bra.

No, Otis like that quiet money.

Hey, look, man, can I just get a towel?

You sure can. Okay, what was that, a quarter?

Here's your quarter. Now, keep on movin'.

Let's just keep on movin'.

I said, keep on movin', boy. Don't look back.

Just keep it on movin'. Let's just keep on movin'.

Come here, boy.

Now, you look very studious.

Now, you just came outta stall, didn't you?

And you was gonna walk out, weren't you, boy?

And wasn't even gonna wash your hand.

Get over here and wash your hand!

That's how diseases get passed on.

Damn! And you stink too.

I don't think you finished just yet.

Go on, just go. Get on out of here.

Let's just keep on movin'. Let's just keep on movin'.

'That's right.'

Oh, damn.

...I didn't even know Michael Jackson

was that tall or that dark.

Look here, sir. Can I use the comb?

No, no, no, boy. Hell no.

Not with all that grease you got in your hair.

Alright, Imma give you a tip, alright?

No, I give you a tip, boy.

Next time you change your motor oil wear a shower cap.

- Old man, please. - Old man?

Look at that, boy. Look at that, boy. That's a old man to you?

Boy, you just messed up. Don't nobody take nothing from--

- Oh. - Beat it.

Keep on movin', brother.

Keep on movin'.

[theme music]

♪ Funky ♪

♪ It's funky ♪

♪ It's funky ♪

♪ Lord it's so so ♪

♪ How y'all been? ♪

♪ Funky ♪

♪ It's funky ♪

♪ It's funky ♪

♪ Lord it's so ♪

♪ He's so crazy! ♪

♪ Funky ♪

♪ Funky ♪

♪ Lord it's so so.. ♪

♪ How y'all doin'? ♪

♪ Funky ♪

♪ It's funky ♪

♪ It's funky ♪

♪ Lord he's.. ♪♪

We'll be back.

Martin, Martin, Martin, what's wrong with you?

What, Stan?

I warned you about using

the four letter words on your show.

The government's gonna fine me.

Oh, man, it's a free country, alright?

That's how my audience talks, man.

Martin, I know this is a free country

but at this radio station the only thing laid is a carpet.

I guess that explains all them rug burns you got, huh?

Watch your job, Martin. Watch your job.

Alright.

So what up, what up, what up?

Now, check it out, we're back.

Now, you're waiting for your woman in bed..

...you got your whole night planned out.

Your opening move. Where you wanna end up.

And maybe even go try out some new stuff

you've been trying on you.

So your woman comes into bed..

...damned and naked.

Body looking like plop-pleep-platty-platty.

So you gettin' it goin'. You're gettin' it on.

And she stops.

"Not tonight. I just want to be held."

Yo, Detroit, wazzup with that? What up?

(female #1 on phone) 'When I ask my husband just to hold me'

'he says he's happy to.'

Pfft! Get outta here.

What makes you think he's telling the truth?

'He's 89. The man's happy if I change his diaper.'

Well, you should do to him what I'm about to do to you.

- 'What's that?' - Pull the plug.

Yo, I think we got.. Oh! Hey, wait a minute, everybody.

Ha ha, come here.

Got a special guest just walked into the studio.

Come here. Maybe she would like to say hello.

- No, Martin, stop. - No. Come on, come on, baby.

Say wassup to the people. Say, wazzup.

- Wassup. - No, no.

Come on, baby, give me attitude.

Say, wazzup.

Wazzup.

You go, girl. Sit on down there.

Yeah, everybody, this is my baby, the love of my light

and she's here to take her man out to dinner.

You know why?

'Cause she never cooks.

- Martin! - You know it's true, Gina.

- I cook for you. - Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Captain Crunch in a bowl ain't cooking.

Hey, Martin, I really don't think this is the right place

to be talking about this, okay?

Come on, baby. These are my fans.

I don't hide anything from my fans.

Okay, then they already know that you cried

when you saw "Beauty And The Beast," right?

- Hey, hey-- - I'm just playing, everybody.

You whaa.. ha ha ha. Yeah, she's just playin'.

But anyway, back to this cooking thing.

How come you working women don't like to cook?

I don't get it.

For two reasons, Martin.

We're smart and we're not your mother.

Why you have to talk about my mother?

Why you gotta talk about my cookin'?

What're you doing on my show?

You invited me here, Martin.

What, you dissing me on my show? And you can't cook.

I mean, what good are you?

Hey, nothin'. Just joking.

Uh, uh...we got to get ready to get outta here.

That's my show for the day.

This is the starvin' Martin Payne.

I'll see you at the drive through. Peace!

Martin, I can't believe you put my cooking down on the radio.

Gina's right, Martin. Dump on her at home.

This is gonna cost me listeners.

I did not insult, Gina. Did I, baby?

- I'm gonna dinner by myself. - Come on, Gina. Ba-ba-baby.

Come here, come here. Alright, alright.

Alright, I-I-I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.

You're lying, Martin. You only said what you felt.

No, no, you're right, I had no right

to lay that on you, okay.

- I don't care if you ever cook. - You don't?

No. Just as long as I can get my sugar for dessert, girl.

You give me my lushies, girl.

Stop. Not tonight, Martin.

Tonight you're gonna fast.

But, um..

...you can hold me if you want to, baby.

Please.

If you ain't cookin', you damn sure

gonna be givin' it up.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Gina.

I'll hold you.

Baby..

I'll cook for you, Gina.

[instrumental music]

[screams]

- Um-hm-hmm. - Mm-mm. I mean, excuse me.

I know you ain't looking at me like that.

I mean, what's wrong with you?

You got something caught in your..

...your throat or something?

Not yet.

Well, I suggest you keep your eyes to yourself

if you wanna keep 'em, okay?

No, I am serious. You are beautiful.

[exclaims]

Okay, I know. I'm fine, okay?

I don't need you to tell me I'm fine. I know I'm fine.

So what you trying to say?

Umm..

You got fire and spice. I like that in a woman.

Oh, see you just said some key words.

Oh, you said, "I have spice and fire."

So stay away before I burn your ass up.

Look, I want you to get to know me, okay?

- Let me introduce myself-- - Oh, no, no.

I know who you are. I know who you are, okay?

I've seen you in my history book.

I mean, didn't you invent peanut butter?

Or were you a bus boy at the Last Supper.

Oh, my good Lord.

Excuse me, honey. You got the wrong guy.

Oh, no, I got the right guy, pops, okay?

Ain't nothing an old man can do for me, but pay my rent, okay?

Forty one, money, money, money. Okay, now guess what?

I just saved your life.

Because one stroke of the Sheneneh.. Alright?

And you gonna have a stroke. Goodnight.

Uh, 41. I was just trying to brighten your day.

Child, please, You brighten everybody's day

with that hot suit you got on.

Okay, okay. Alright, tomorrow.

Alright, bye.

Yo, Stan.

Uh, Martin, I came here to..

Whoa! Martin, you got a color TV

and a phone? Martin, I'm paying you too much money.

Yo, Stan, I know you didn't come all the way

over here just to tell me that.

You're right. I came over here to tell you that after you left

the station, the phones went crazy, man.

The people loved your show.

Ha, ha. Well, that don't mean nothing, Stan.

They know me out there.

- You want some chili? - Ah, no.

It wasn't you, Martin. It was Gina.

The people loved hearin' you two fight.

I want her on the show, Martin.

Man, hell, no!

And besides, Gina already got a job, Stan.

Hey, but her job is not in the glamorous world of radio.

I'm tellin' you she won't do it, man.

[water gurgling]

Oh, hey. Hey, Stan.

Hey, babe. You ain't gonna believe this, right?

But, uh, Stan wants you to leave your job

and come fight with me on the radio like we did today.

- Really? - Yeah.

You want me on the radio?

I don't know about this, Stan.

That's right. Tell him he's outta his damn mind.

Martin's right, I don't know anything about radio.

You don't have to know anything, Gina, look at Martin.

Don't start, Stan.

Do you really think I could do it?

Gina, I know so. The people loved you, Gina.

Look, the phone rang so often you'd have thought

we were giving away government cheese.

You know people kept calling me

telling me how much they loved the show.

See now, you can't let your public down now, can you?

- I didn't know I had a pubic. - You do now.

Well, I couldn't do it everyday

but if you'd like to work around my schedule--

- Oh, it's a done deal. - Yay.

Oh, oh, so y'all are gonna disrespect me

and don't ask me about this.

Ask you?

No disrespect, Martin.

Come on, you heard Stan.

They love me, they know me out there now.

So anyway, how do we..

Damn!

- Martin, baby, dinners ready. - Oh, good.

- What'd you make? - Something special.

Wait, wait, wait.

Gina, this look like your regular cooking. What is it?

It's Cajun, everything's blackened.

Catfish is blackened.

Steak is blackened.

But these buns are just burnt, baby.

That's funny, Martin.

You should use that on the show

tomorrow when you talk about my cooking.

Uh, good idea, Gina.

And then, and then I'll say

"If you think my rolls are bad

"wait till you taste the chicken

it's so dry, you got to eat it in the rain."

Ah, that's funny. I'm gonna write that down.

What?

Come on, Martin, work with me.

I can't carry the show all by myself.

Would you stop doin' this, Gina? Damn!

All night long you've been writing everything that I say.

Write this down.

I don't want you to go on my show.

Why?

Why don't you want me on your show, Martin?

Because I don't want you to get hurt.

How'd I get hurt?

Look, babe, my show is based on the truth, okay?

Let's say you gained two pounds

and I caught you squeezing into your jeans.

You know, that squeeze thing you do, you know, right?

When I go into radio tomorrow, I'm gonna have to call you

Big Drawers McGraw.

Martin, you take that back.

You've never seen me squeeze into my jeans.

Maybe not, but I saw you pop out a few.

Oh, now, you did not have to go there.

See, you know what, that was low.

See, first I insult you, then we fight.

What's next, Gina? I'll tell you what's next.

We split up. Every couple that works together do.

- That's not true. - Hey, hey, hey.

Look at Ike and Tina Turner.

You, you wanna end up like them?

Me in jail and you over in Europe

looking like you rolled your hair in fire crackers.

You really think this will hurt us?

I do, babe.

Then, maybe I shouldn't do it.

You mean it?

Yeah, Martin.

I don't, I don't want anything to happen to us

and I don't want people laughing at me either.

- Love you. - I love you too.

I probably wouldn't have been any good anyways.

Yeah, right.

I mean, I love your little squeaky voice and all, you know.

But I don't think nobody stuck in traffic wanna hear all that.

What are you trying to say about my voice, Martin?

No, no, no, I mean, you got a great voice.

I mean, it's just when you go on the radio

you need personality too.

Oh, so now I don't have any personality either?

Na, babe, you got personality..

...you're just not funny.

I am so funny, damn it!

Oh, okay, I see what you doing.

You don't want me on your show because you're afraid

if I go on your show, I'll blow you out the water.

Please, me afraid of you? You must be smokin'.

Oh, well, you just better get ready, 'cause this is on now.

I'll see you on the radio tomorrow.

And don't be late like you usually are.

See you when I see ya. Peace!

No, no, no, that's my line.

I'll see you when I see you. Big drawers.

Peace!

[instrumental music]

- Hey, man, what's up? - Yo, yo.

- How ya'll doin'? - What up?

Martin, what's up?

It's Gina, man.

I got problems.

Man, come on, yo, man, not that again.

You know what you need to do. You need to put Gina in check.

If she was my woman, you know what I'd tell her? Look..

"Eh, woman, I am the man, okay? Now, shut up."

You know, Cole, I, I can see you doing that to Big Shirley.

And I can see you pullin' her foot out your butt.

Hey, Tommy, you was peeking through my window?

What?

Uh, uh, nothin'.

That's messes up, man

Look, y'all gonna help me or what?

First, you got to tell us what the problem is, Martin.

Look, Stan wants Gina to come on my radio show.

So?

So it could ruin our relationship.

Oh, okay, okay, I kinda know exactly what you talkin' about.

If Gina spends the whole day working with you

then you have no time during you breaks..

...to spend day dreaming..

...about Oprah.

And being alone on a desert island..

...and squeezing on her big old soft round--

Hey, Cole. Hey, hey, Cole, Cole, what's wrong with you, man?

Whatchu doin'?

Yo, Cole, Cole, sit down. Don't say nothin' to me.

Don't say nothin'.

Just sit down, alright?

Alright, nothin'.

Now, here's the problem, Tommy

Gina could change, man, this could mess her up.

And then I could end up losin' her.

You're afraid that she might be better than you, huh?

- No, shut up, Tommy. - Come on, Martin.

Look, I know you, man. You're jealous.

Jealous of what?

'Cause you know how talented Gina is

she's attractive

and there's a big possibility

she maybe a huge success.

Not if we plan this, right?

What're you talkin' about, Martin?

Look, man. Tommy, my radio show is all I have.

Gina is already making more money than me at her job.

If she comes over here and takes my job

there's nothing left for me to do.

I might as well stay home and have the baby.

Hey-hey, youse read "Enquirer"?

You know, men are doin' that now in Australia.

I've asked you not to say nothin' to me, didn't I?

Don't say nothin'. Zip it, Cole, alright?

Don't say nothin'.

Martin, look, I understand, okay?

What'd you want us to do?

Look, man, I love Gina so much, man

and I want our thing to work, Tommy.

That's why you gotta help me come with a plan

that will destroy and humiliate Gina on the radio.

- Oh. - Oh.

Okay, uh, let's think.

- Um-um-um. - Shut up, Cole. We thinkin'.

Mmm.

Alright, go head, Cole.

Now, it-it better not be stupid.

Don't say anything.

We're not. Go ahead.

No, no, on the radio show.

Don't say anything. Just sit back and don't say anything.

Okay, Gina don't know enough to run a radio show by herself.

She'll make a fool of herself

and Stan will never ask her back.

Damn.

Cole, that's actually a good idea.

Yeah, I know. And when Gina's bombin' right..

...the best part is all you got to do is just sit back..

...and day dream about Oprah.

Bein' alone on that island

squeezin' on them big old soft..

How'd you sleep last night?

Alone.

Oh, you two had a big fight last night, huh?

This is great.

Let's get ready to rumble..

...and make me rich.

♪ Money money money Money money money ♪♪

Nervous, Martin?

Please, it's my show.

It was.

Alright, so I see it's gonna be like that, huh?

- Uh, yep. - Alright.

I see you got your little note card.

Sure do.

- Alright, oops. - Stop, Martin.

You know what, Martin, you're not gonna shake me.

Oh, well, maybe this will.

Five, four, three, two.. What up? What up? Wazzup?

Yo, this is a insane Martin Payne

and I'm sittin' here with the most beautiful woman

in the whole wide world..

...Gina Waters. Say wassup, baby.

Wassup, Detroit?

Martin, I thought we'll start off but talking about

why you didn't want me to come on your show.

Is it because you've never won

an argument with me before in your life?

Martin, what's wrong with you?

(Gina) Martin?

Uh. Uh.

Uh, hey, um, Martin had to step away for a moment, so..

...why don't you call and talk to Gina? Yeah?

Uh, 'cause Gina's in the house.

Okay, the number is, 5-5-5 wazzup.

Hello?

Hello, hello, hello?

Again, that number is 5-5-5 wazzup.

Say, did you ever burn a roll

and try to cover it up by calling it Cajun food?

- Yes? - 'Hell no.'

(male #1 on phone) 'What're you talkin' about?'

- 'Where's Martin?' - Next caller.

Wassup?

(male #2 on phone) 'I don't know wassup'

'but you ain't.'

'Now put Martin on.'

Um, why don't we take another caller?

Is there a woman out there who understands

what I'm talkin' about?

(female #2 on radio) 'Girlfriend, who did you have to sleep with'

'to get on the radio? 'Cause you tired.'

'Now take them Cajun jokes over to Country 97.'

I didn't have to sleep with anybody and I don't think

you need to be talkin' to me like that.

- 'Woman, where's Martin, damn!' - He's not here.

(male #3 on phone) 'For once you go get him. I can't stand the sound'

'of your squeaky little voice.'

'I don't know if you is a woman or a whistle.'

But you didn't need to talk to me. I can't believe--

'Hey, hey, hey, hey, will you shut up'

'that squeaky little voice of yours.'

'It's making my dogs go nuts.'

Well, I can't believe you're that mean..

[indistinct screaming]

Yo, yo-you, caller, you still there?

(male #3 on phone) 'Yeah, bra.'

Well, let me tell you something

'don't you ever diss my girl like that.'

What're you [bleep].

I'll put a foot all in your..

[bleep]

Huh? Huh?

Now, say sorry or [bleep] your mother [bleep]

your aunt [bleep], your new born [bleep]. All y'all.

I'll whoop your [bleep].

Now, we'll be back after these words

from my [bleep] sponsors.

Damn.

[instrumental music]

[sighs] Damn.

Martin.

Oh, Gina, come here, baby.

Come here, come here, come here.

Oh, look, look, look, babe.

Look..

...when I left you on the radio today..

...I was settin' you up, babe.

But I didn't know it was gonna go like that.

Why'd you have to do that to me, Martin?

'Cause Gina, I was afraid you were gonna be good, take my job.

- Yeah, well, I wasn't. - No, I mean you were cool.

- You're okay. - Martin?

You're right, you were terrible.

I don't wanna be on the radio, I had no idea how hard it will be.

Well, babe, I can't do your job neither.

What made you think you could do mine?

I only did it because you said I couldn't.

Oh. You only did it because I told you not to do it?

Yes, Martin.

Let me tell you somethin'..

...don't you ever, ever..

...come into my apartment, strip naked..

...throw me..

...on the sofa and try to make love to me.

Don't you do it. Don't you do it, Gina.

Don't tell me what to do, Martin.

Damn it! I said don't do it.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Look, babe, when I left you alone..

Come on, baby.

Baby, come here, come here.

(male #4) 'No, that's no good. One more try.'

(male #5) 'Holy-moly. Holy. Holy..'