Original subtitles

[sneezing]

- Ho-ho-ho. - Do I look like Ubalda?

Gimme a break, kid, tell me what you want for Christmas?

I hate you. Oh, you-you funky.

You-you been hiding behind them reindeers too long, mister.

Tell me what you want. Get off my lap.

Or I'll tell your parole officer.

You-you are the one that's gonna need a parole officer, yeah.

A fat man in red pajamas with a little kid on his lap.

I don't care if you like me or not.

They pay me $4 an hour to sit here and take this abuse.

Now, what the hell do you want?

What I want to know is-is, how fat a man like you can fly?

'Cause most fat men I know

can't even get their ass out the chair.

Get off me. Your getting a lump of coal

in your stalking, this year.

Coal, you little brat. What you think of that, huh?

I think.. I bet I bite you. I-I'll poison your milk.

I'll start a fire in your chimney

and burn all your cellulite up.

Get off me. Come on, get up.

Get off me! Get-get off me, you little..

[thudding]

(Roscoe) 'Ow!'

'That's why you only work one day a year.'

'And this is the cause of the welfare.'

Next.

[theme music]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪ ♪ Lawrence yeah ♪

(Martin) What's up?! How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence yeah ♪ ♪ He's so crazy! ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪ ♪ Lawrence yeah ♪

(Martin) What's up? How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪ ♪ Lawrence ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Cole, we've got to find a better place to hang out.

Only thing Martin's got in that refrigerator is milk and cheese

and they both in the same carton.

Shh! Shh! Quiet, man. Look-look, Rudolph's on.

Look.

I'm cute! I'm cute!

She thinks I'm cute!

[laughing]

Cole, what is the matter with you?

You too old to be watching this.

And you're too young to have a bald head.

But do I keep bringing it up?

Ho-ho-ho!

And a bottle of rum up in the up in the.. Hey!

What's up? What's up? What's up?

Uh-huh. Look, Pam.

Mistletoe.

[chuckles] Aw.

Look, Cole. Garbage.

So, how was Christmas shopping?

- Fun. - Great.

Hated it.

Oh, I see you're in a good mood, Martin.

So I guess now's good a time as any to ask a question.

No, Tommy, I will not drive your mother to the clinic.

Shut up, man. No. It's about the Big Brothers Association.

See we're having a night with Santa Claus on Friday night.

And I thought it'd be fun if you played Santa.

- Ha-ha! Think again. - Oh, come on, Martin.

Where's your Christmas spirit?

Look, Tommy, I got Christmas spirit, man.

I'm just not into dressing up.

Come on, Martin, it could be fun.

Get Blind Willie to do it, alright.

He'd do anything for a doughnut.

Blind Willie's white. And with all do respect

I think it's important that our kids see a black Santa.

It's not fair. Black fathers work all year

along to get presents for their kids and some

white guy from North Pole gets all the credit.

He's right, Martin.

Gina, I have spoken.

Who needs you anyway?

- Tommy, we'll help you. - 'Thank you.'

So what are you going as, Pam, the nutcracker?

Hey, hey, hey. Look-look, I'll-I'll do it. I'll be Santa.

Okay. I mean, I'm good with kids.

I-I used to have a lot of them as friends when I was younger.

Okay, Cole, you're on.

We just got to get you a costume.

He don't need no costume.

Just get that red jump suit

from when his mother was a firefighter.

Hey, Tommy, can-can I be Mrs. Claus?

- Alright, great. - You know, I could be a elf.

I have the cutest little red outfit.

Oh! Martin, look, we're all involved, man.

Don't you want to be a part of this?

Oh!

I mean, oh, damn!

I can't be there that night.

That's the same night I'm jingling Mrs. Claus' bells.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

One for you, and one for you.

- Oh, thank you, Stan. - Don't open it, Martin.

They're probably pink slips.

They're Christmas cards, Sean.

If I were firing you, you'd get a letter at home.

You're right. Sorry.

You still live on Parker Street, right?

Yeah.

Stan, wait, man.

This looks just like the card Christmas you gave me last year.

It is the one I gave you last year.

I found that in the garbage can. Waste not, want not.

- Thanks, Stan. - It's nothing.

Just like your Christmas bonus.

So, what're you brothers doing to celebrate this year?

Well, nothing. I got to work.

Wait, wait, wait. Whoa.

You're making him work on Christmas, Stan?

He don't care, Martin. He's an orphan.

Who's he going to visit?

So where you going to be, Stan?

Me? I'm going to go down to the soup kitchen as usual.

You know what? You amaze me, Stan.

I would've never guessed you'd be helping

people around Christmas time?

Oh, I'm not volunteering there, Martin.

I go there for the free soup.

Yes, sir, I just sit right down, loosen my pants

and fill my belly.

Christmas in a soup kitchen

free food and people who have nothing to live for

makes me feel like a king, Martin.

Ho-ho-ho!

Merry Christmas, Stan.

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly.. ♪♪

♪ Frosty the snowman ♪

♪ Had to hurry on his way ♪

♪ But he waved goodbye ♪

♪ Saying don't you cry ♪

♪ I'll be back again someday ♪♪

- Yay! Yay! - Oh, yay, Mrs. Claus!

- Yay, Mrs. Claus! - Wasn't that fun?

(all) No!

Where is Cole? She is running out of songs.

I don't know. I'm go.. I'll go call him again.

- Where's Santa, Mrs. Claus? - He'll be here really soon.

Yeah, boys and girls.

Santa's just feeding his little reindeer.

How do you know? You're not an elf.

You're just a lady in a dumb suit.

Ha-ha-ha! How do I know?

'Cause I'm a witch, that's how I know. Now sit down.

Are we ready for another song, everyone?

(all) No!

- We want Santa. - Yeah, where is he?

Uh, Santa's just running a little late.

Maybe Santa got run over by a bus

and his guts are all splattered on the road. Ew!

(all) Yeah!

No. No.

Santa didn't get hit by any bus.

Sit down, child.

- Garbage truck? - I don't think so.

D-does anybody have a favorite song to sing?

- Yes? - Maybe Santa has a tumor.

(all) Yeah.

- No. No, he doesn't. No. - A heart attack?

My Uncle Donald wasn't half as fat as Santa is

and he died of a heart attack.

You know, It could've been a tumor.

(all) Yeah.

[indistinct chattering]

Okay, Mrs. Brown, if you hear anything, you call me here.

- Okay? Right-right. Okay, bye. - Well?

She hasn't seen him since he left for work.

Well, what are we going to do with these little brats?

I mean, we don't have a Santa Claus.

We don't even have a Santa Claus costume.

- Yo, Tommy, Gina ready? - Martin, I need you, man.

I need you badly.

Yo, man, I ain't like that, man.

Cole didn't show up. We need a Santa Claus.

Well, I ain't doing it. Tommy, you do it.

I can't do it. They know me. I'm here every week.

Come on, Martin. We need your help.

- Martin, please! - 'No.'

- Now where's my baby Gina? - In there.

♪ Jingle bells.. ♪♪

(all) Boo!

There's a riot here, Tommy. Yo, give me a costume.

- I don't have a costume. - Give me your sweater.

- Okay. - Oh, I can give you my tights.

Yeah, you do that.

- 'Help me! Help me!' - I'm coming, girl!

(all) Boo!

Excuse me! Excuse me!

I know I don't see.. Hey! Hey! Hey!

Oh, Mrs. Claus..

It's okay. It's okay, Mrs. Claus.

It's okay.

Hey..

You guys hear that?

Sound like, I just heard Santa landing.

- I sure hope so. - Hey, there he is!

Ho-ho-ho! Ha-ha!

Whazzup?!

'Hi, you little cutie!'

Look at the little kids. Look at the little kids.

- What's wrong with him? - Santa's got lupus.

Alright.

How you doing there, boys and girls?

You're not Santa. You're an impostor.

I am Santa, damn it.

You don't think I ain't seen what you were doing last night.

Now shut up, 'fore I tell your mother.

Boy with the big head, if you don't sit down, man, keep away.

Santa's acting like we asked him to come here.

Hey, I have a question. Why is Rudolph's nose so red?

'Cause he's on that stuff.

Hey, kids, let's just say no.

Santa, do you know every boy and girl's name?

- I sure do. - Then what's my name?

Hold on.

You are Waterhead. Now shut up.

I asked you for a Ninja Turtle party van last year

and you didn't bring it at all.

- What's up with that? - Yeah!

And last year I asked you to bring my Sega Genesis.

And the year before that,

you didn't bring me any Transformers.

And then, the year before that,

you didn't bring my Lite-Brite.

Hey, I got a Lite-Brite and I didn't even ask for.

Hey, that's mine. Give it to me.

Santa, man, you messed up.

Ahh, maybe you have Alzheimer's.

[clamoring]

(Tommy) 'Hey! Hey! Hey! That's enough.'

Sit down.

S-sit down..

And shut up.

Y'all don't even know what Christmas is about.

This holiday isn't about toys.

Does anyone here even know what Christmas is about?

(all) No!

Well, I'm going to tell you, so be quiet.

I'mma tell you the story of Christmas.

You want to hear that, don't you?

(all) No!

Well, you're going to hear it anyway. Shut up!

It began a long, long time ago.

- Where you there? - Nah.

- Was your mother there? - What?

- Was your grandmother there? - What?

Whoa, Santa! Santa!

Santa, no. No, Santa.

- Come on. Come on. - Okay. Santa..

No, Santa. Santa..

Santa, he's just a kid.

Hey! Hey, Arthur, sit down. He's just a kid, Santa.

But he said, about the mother and grandmother?

I'm saying ma always been good to us.

I know. I know, mom's good. I know.

But Santa, Santa. Santa, wait, wait.

You like children, remember, Santa? You like them. Yes.

That's a good Santa. Arthur, stop it.

Arthur, I'm sorry.

You know, a little mama thing.

Ooh.

Ahh.

Alright, Arthur, nobody was there, man, okay?

Ahh. Joseph and Mary were two kids

from a little town called Nazareth.

Was that near a projects?

Alright. Now..

Mary was having a baby, God's baby.

And all the people in the kingdom

were going to be counted for a census record.

You do know what "census" mean?

Yeah, don't answer the door.

[all laugh]

I'm not telling you again, alright?

Now, Joseph and Mary had to go to a town

where Joseph's family was from, Bethlehem.

Did they stop at McDonald's?

Yeah, and they filled their faces with happy meals.

And what do you think they found when they got there?

A Cadillac with keys in it.

[all laughing]

Boy, if I got to tell you one more time..

Now I'll fight a kid.

I'm serious. I'll fight a little boy.

You want to do somethin'. I ain't no punk.

Santa, it's okay, Santa.

It's alright.

- I know. I know. - Man!

It's okay, Santa.

What they found, Arthur..

They found that Bethlehem

was a lot like Vegas on fight night.

There wasn't a hotel room anywhere.

- Okay, watch your step. - Okay.

Alright. Okay.

Alright, baby.

Hey, you hold that water, girl.

Yeah.

Alright, we're going to get you a room, okay?

- That's right. - Joseph, look at that sign.

"Shoplifters will be crucified."

Wait, you ain't got nothing, do you?

Get on up here.

Joseph, this place sounds kind of rough.

What kind of neighborhood is this?

Babe, this must be the south side of Bethlehem.

[bell clangs]

(male #1) 'Alright! Alright, hold your camels!'

Hah! Oh! Welcome to the Bethlehem Inn

where we always leave the torch on for you.

- How may I help you? - Alright, man.

I need a room for me and my baby.

Of course.

Whoop.

- What's the name? - Joseph.

Ah, Joseph. I don't see a reservation.

- What's the last name, Joseph? - There's no last name, man.

What do you mean? It's just Joseph?

- Just Joseph, man. - Oh, I get it.

It's sort of like Madonna.

[giggles]

No, that would be her.

I'm very sorry. We're all booked up for the night.

You know, you really should've called in advance.

But Mary's about to give birth any minute now.

Pla-dae! Plack-low!

Mother of God, are you kidding?

I felt some kick.

Girl, it feel like he's walking on water. Just..

Sorry, no room at the inn.

(Martin) 'You ain't right, man.'

- 'Oh!' - Look, let's get out of here.

We'll stay out back at the stable.

Okay.

Hi, Nebuchadnezzar and Sarah Smith.

Ah, yes. Do you have a reservation?

- No, we don't. - Well, you're in luck.

I happen to have one room left.

- What?! - Is there a bible in the room?

Only the first half.

Sign here, please.

- Joseph, did you see that? - Yeah. You know what?

I got a feeling it's going to be like this for 2,000 years.

No room at the inn.

No justice, no peace.

Say it.

- No justice, no peace. - Ah-huh. One more time.

So baby Jesus was born, just as the prophets said.

Now, above them a bright star began shining in the sky

to show the world a great king had been born.

Now this star shined so bright

you could even see it during the daytime.

Did you have to poke a hole in a shoe box to look at it?

Waterhead, don't even bother to wake up on Christmas, okay?

Alright? Just stay sleeping, okay?

Chill, okay?

Alright? Just-just lay in your dribble, and let it marinate.

Now..

This star was so bright

that some wise brothers from the East side

followed it for miles to see the Christ child

and bring him gifts.

You mean we got to walk all that way and bring a gift?

It's the son of God, man.

Yeah! We can't go empty-handed.

How's that going to look?

Hey, I don't care where you go

long as you bring me something back, hear me?

Get back in the house.

So the wise men walked..

[instrumental music]

And walked..

...and walked.

Why didn't their mothers drive them?

'Cause the camel had a boot on it.

Who's idea was this anyway?

[groans]

If we so wise, how come we lost?

Never mind that. Who's big dog is this

with the hump on his back?

Obadiah, you stupid.

Anybody got a map?

Hey, you know, I thought for sure

we'd run into a gas station.

It didn't look this far from my house.

Hey, look for moss.

See, moss always grows on the North side.

That's true. I went with some women from the North side.

I'm blind. Looking into that star is like

looking into a flashcube, man.

Here. Try on one of these here. Yeah.

They'll think we look large.

[chuckles] Ahh!

- They were wise men. - That's right.

I mean, Well, two of them were.

The third one had a plate in his head.

You like that, don't you?

Alright, man. I'm sorry about that.

- Sorry, man. - Where were you?

Look, I got caught up at work, alright.

A 747 had a water leak, and I had to, you know, vacuum..

Okay. Shh! Shh! Shh!

And at long last, they reached baby Jesus' bed.

Oh, it's the cutest little king in the whole wide world.

He looks just like a little angel.

- Aw! - Ga ga! Goo goo!

What's new?

- Psst, Mary. - Yeah.

Who are those three brothers dressed like Queen Latifah?

I don't know, Joseph. Jehovah witnesses?

No, they too early. Look here..

I don't care what you brothers are selling

take your humpback dog, and go on about your business.

Hallelujah!

The son of God is born unto us.

Okay. Right. Right.

Um, hey, can I-can I get you guys anything?

You know, uh-uh-uh, wine, fish, bread, kool-aid?

Come on in. Come on in.

Gold, 'cause he is king.

Frankincense, because he is God.

And myrrh, because he is also man.

We appreciate that. Thank you.

Aw. That's our boy.

You go, girl!

Why don't you let me hold that gold, bro?

And see, that's why we give gifts at Christmas time.

Alright? To remember that Jesus was born

to give us all hope and to teach us to love

all our brothers and sisters.

[Martin chuckles]

Man, that was a deep story, Santa Claus.

Give me love.

Now, look, I'm going to get you help, okay?

- Ah. - That was beautiful, honey.

- Aw, you liked that? - Yeah.

- You know what? - What?

You still owe me a gift, don't you?

- Oh! Ho-ho-ho. - Ho-ho-ho.

Hey, hey, Pam, why don't you give me a little something?

(Pam) 'Alright.'

♪ Silent night ♪

♪ Holy night ♪

♪ All is calm ♪

♪ All is bright ♪

♪ Round yon virgin ♪

♪ Mother and child ♪

♪ Holy infant ♪

♪ So tender and mild ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪

♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪♪

Give it up. Give it up.

Okay.

Ho-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho!

- Merry Christmas, children. - There's the real Santa!

Wait a minute!

If he's the real Santa, that means..

...he's an impostor.

No. No. I'm from the ghetto.

Stone him! Burn him!

(Arthur) Come on, everyone, let's bum-rush him!

[clamoring]

[instrumental music]

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ The Lord has come ♪

♪ Let Earth receive our king ♪

♪ Let every heart ♪

♪ Prepare him room ♪

♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven and nature sing ♪♪