Original subtitles

[knock on door]

[sneezing]

Good morning, Roscoe. What are you doing here?

Well, I ain't Jehovah's Witness.

- Watch your mouth. - Doh.

Buy my peanut brittle.

It's only eight dollars and thirty cent a can.

Isn't that a little expensive?

Well, I gotta get my cut off the top.

You know what, you are much too young

to be thinking about making money.

You should go to school

and-and learn your mathematics and history.

Pfft!

What I wanna know about history for?

Only dead Presidents I wanna know about

is the ones in my wallet.

Can I have my change back, please?

I will give you your change.

You see, mm-hmm.

Look, you gave me too much money back, Roscoe.

- I did? - Yes.

Hey, go to school.

Learn your math, because you can't be a millionaire

if you can't count to ten.

You're right.

- I'll go to school. - 'Okay--'

But you sell my peanut brittle at work today. Alright?

And when I come home, you better have my exact change

or else, I'm gonna knock you out.

I'll bet you then, I'll know how count to ten.

You know what? You have no respect. You can take this--

- You better sell my candy. - Get out of my apartment.

- I don't like you anyway. - I don't like you either.

Get out of here. You bad little thing.

I ain't having no kids.

Witch, you better have my money.

Witch, you better have my money.

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

How y'all feel?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

♪ Yo ♪ ♪ He's so crazy ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

How y'all feel?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Oh, girl, I gotta tell you

the stew last night was delicious.

- You like that, huh? - Ha-ha, yeah.

- Oh! Baby, damn! - What's wrong?

Me, look, look how fine I am.

Why am I wasting this face on radio?

Maybe 'cause you're saving it for me.

That's right.

Savin' it for my baby, give me luscious.

Damn girl, like kissing two melons.

Just, muah.

Ooh, goodness!

- Thank you. - Hmm!

- Hey, Martin. - Yeah, baby?

When is the last time you washed dishes, Martin?

When was the last time you was over here?

Martin, you don't you just buy a dishwasher?

No, babe, because I could never ever find one

as beautiful and sexy as the one I have now.

Why do I get the feelin' I'm being played?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you stop there, alright?

I don't play you no more than you play me.

What? I do not play you.

Yes, you do. Alright? Does this sound familiar?

"Oh, Martin, would you pump the gas?

"I don't know where the nozzle goes.

"Um, where is the gas tank? Is it in the tire?

- Well, is it? - Come on, Gina.

What you do when I'm not with you?

Uh, I play some other guy at the gas station.

I'm just.. Oh, God, okay.

You busted me. You satisfied? I'm busted.

No, I'm serious, babe, alright?

Women play men and men play women

that's just the way it is.

Now you startin' to sound like Pam.

You know what, I'll kill you if you tell her I told you this

but whenever Pam wants something at work

she wears this tight black and red dress

and she always, like, gets a day off or a raise or somethin'.

You know what? I know that dress.

Last night, she wore it, I got a raise.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Shawn, no more using paper towels in the men's room.

It's a waste of money, use the air dryer.

Well, Stan, we don't have an air dryer in the men's room.

What do you call this?

And, Martin, I've been listenin' to your show, man.

Look, quit talking about sex in the office, man.

You gonna get the women all riled up.

Why, Stan? Is that a touchy subject for you, man?

Hey, Martin, nowadays, you can't even accidentally

walk into the ladies room..

...without everybody jumping all on you, man.

And it used to be the highlight of my day.

Five, four, three, two..

What up, what up, wassup! Look, we're back.

And you already know what we're talkin' about.

We're talkin' about sex in the workplace.

Talk to me Detroit, wassup?

(man on phone) 'Hey, Martin, brother man.'

'I'm all for sex in a workplace.'

'Especially, on my desk.'

Well, you just watch out for the stapler, alright?

Now, get out of here.

Look, people, we're talking about sexual manipulation.

Alright? Next caller, talk to me. Wassup?

(woman on phone) 'Take it from me, sexism is alive and well where I work.'

You know what, I am so tired of you women

whinin' about bein' played

as if you don't do the same thing to men.

- 'We don't.' - Yes, you do.

Look, my girlfriend's best friend

whenever this woman wants somethin', she wears this

tight red dress that shows off her pa-da-da-da-damn!

Spa-da-bla-blam!

(woman on phone) 'Well, you men won't listen to us'

'unless we dress like that.'

Look, are you dressed like that now?

- 'No.' - Gotta go.

[instrumental music]

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Go, Pistons, go!

- What's the year? - Man, we going all the way.

Watch this. Count it, count it. Yeah.

[audience cheering on TV]

Martin, I have to talk to you.

Not now, babe, I'm watching the game.

Martin, I need to talk to you, it's important.

Not now, Gina, I'm watchin' the game.

Not now, you're not.

- Oh, damn! - Oh, damn!

Girl, have you lost your damn mind?

W-why don't y'all take that to the bedroom like you always do?

Martin, I can't believe you repeated

what I told you about Pam.

No, Gina. I can't believe you told Martin something

I told you was a secret.

Okay. You told me how you felt all the way over here.

- Okay? - Hey, hey, hey, gr-r!

What are you talkin' about?

Martin, how could you go on the air and tell everyone

that Pam wears that dress to get a raise.

- No, never said that. - Yes, you did.

- No. - Yes, you--

- No, never. - Yes, you did.

- I heard you on the air. - No.

The whole office heard it, Martin.

Well, now I remember.

Maybe I may have said something like that--

That is exactly what you said, Martin.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. I never said her name.

Girl.

They didn't know who I was talking about.

Just that part where you was talkin' about Pam.

See, Martin, even Cole figured it out.

Martin, how could you?

Look, Gina, you asked me not to tell Pam

I did not tell Pam.

You didn't have to tell me, Martin.

You just told the whole damn city.

Hey, don't hate me because I'm popular.

Martin Payne, you apologize to her.

Not!

I will do no such thing.

If I did something wrong, I'd apologize

but I did nothing wrong.

If Pam wouldn't have wore that dress in the first place

she wouldn't have told you in the second place

you wouldn't be over here in the third place

I wouldn't be missing the game in the fourth place.

I think you two owe me an apology a fifth place.

Now, damn it, I am waitin'.

- Yeah, that was smooth. - You like that?

Martin, you better apologize to me.

No! Okay?

If I had known it was secret-secret

I wouldn't have let it get out.

'Cause generally when a secret's secret

I put it on lockdown, don't I?

I lock it down. It don't get out.

Okay.

So, I guess it was no secret-secret

that when the first time you two made love

It was over for you before it even began.

- What? - I told you..

Pam!

- Hell, no! - Oh, my God!

- I told you.. - Hell, hell, no!

- You-you told her that? - No, I didn't.

You did too!

No, no, you weren't supposed to say nothin', Gina.

Martin, Martin..

- Baby.. - What?

All you ever said was don't tell the guys.

Oh, okay, okay. Bad. Well, it's on now.

It's on. Okay..

Okay, well, did you tell Pam about the video

you made it for me on my birthday?

[shrieks]

Martin!

Oh! I'm so glad I never told you a secret.

[both laughing]

Oh, really, Cole?

Then how come you told me that Tommy owns a toupee

that he only wears when he goes grocery shopping.

[coughing]

What?

Who told you that, Cole?

Martin.

No, no, no, I never said that. No!

You're the only one who knows about this, Martin.

See, I should've known you couldn't keep it secret.

You got big ears and a big mouth too.

[indistinct chatter]

And Martin was the one that said Cole was a virgin

until he was 23.

(Martin) 'Hey, yo. Yo.'

Hey, that's no secret.

Everybody knew he was a virgin at 23.

[laughing]

I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill you.

Did you tell 'em what you told me about Gina's cookin'?

What?

He said it's so bad, the homeless give it back.

[groaning]

The stew, baby. I loved the stew.

It looked like Alpo, but I loved it.

You know what? All of this stems from Martin's big mouth.

I've had enough of this. I'm outta here.

- Me too. - Right, come on.

Hey, hey, guys. Come on. Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Oh, man. Come on, y'all.

Alright? Don't leave until I put you out.

Get out! Get out!

You know what, I'll catch you in hell.

Yeah, you'll be the only one down there

still living with your mother.

Where are you goin'?

I'd let you know, but you'd just tell everybody.

[instrumental music]

Hello.

[dialing]

Yo, Tommy. Pick up the phone.

Come on, man. Pick up the phone, man.

I'll buy you another toupee.

I'm just jokin'. Tommy, pick up the phone, man.

It's me, Martin. I know you ain't still mad about yesterday.

Tommy.

Man, forget your call, man.

You know what, ya'll just like a bunch of girls, man

but that's alright. I don't need you.

So look, if you call here, me and Gina won't be here

'cause we got new hangout partners, you punks.

Punks, Martin? Oh, I'm sure they're dying to make up now.

Well, who needs 'em.

- You do. - No, I don't.

Yes, you do. They're your friends.

What do you want me to do, Gina?

You embarrassed Pam on the radio

so there's only one way you can make it up to everybody.

- Huh? - Go on the radio

and say something embarrassing about yourself.

Oh, no. Sorry, I can't do that.

Martin, that's the only way you could set things straight.

Well, I guess we won't be hookin' up with our old friends.

I got my pride.

So what're you gonna do the next time we have an argument

you just gonna throw that relationship away too?

No, I won't, babe.

See, the next time we have an argument

and if I'm wrong I'll apologize, okay?

But if I'm right, which you know I will be

you'll be the one apologizing and we'll have no problems.

- Now, you ready to go? - Yeah, Martin.

But I'm not feeling this.

I really rather be at that En Vogue concert

with Tommy, Pam and Cole.

Hey, forget En Vogue.

Okay. We hangin' with Stan now.

Stan is our permanent hangout partner now.

Alright? Okay?

Now get used to it, alright? That's it.

[knocking on door]

Gina, I don't wanna hear no more about it.

Look out now.

- Wassup, man? What's happenin'? - Alright. Alright.

Now, now, now. I-I-I gotta do this.

Wait a minute. Let me feel that.

Oh, man.

Whoo! Ah, it bit me.

Go, gal. Nah. I'm sorry, just jokin'.

- But what is your name? - Yeah, what is your name again?

Don't start with me, Stanley.

Alright, she's just mad 'cause I ain't fed her yet.

Oh, yeah.

Well, they get that way when they don't eat. Look at Gina.

- Hi, I'm Gina. - Oh, hi.

I'm Myra and I know you got a attitude, too skinny as you are.

Bro, I hope you ready to hang?

Because I'm ready to get my boogie on.

Alright. Yo, man, you know what?

We couldn't wait for you to get here.

That's right, me and Gina was talkin'

and this is the first..

...of many nights of us hangin' out together.

- Ain't that right, Gina? - Right, Martin.

Yeah, and I got the whole night planned.

You see, basically, we just gonna get into my limo

and we gonna cruise until dawn

because, Martin, Gina, the freaks come out at night.

Ah, Stan, look here, man. Look here, look here.

What'd you mean "Cruise all night?"

I mean, I thought we were gonna go to the club.

Martin, what do we need with that club?

Come here, baby.

If we were in a club, I couldn't hear my kitten purr.

[moaning]

Oh, my God.

Wait a, wait a minute, wait a minute, my baby.

Save it for the limo, baby, okay?

Shawn's parkin' it right now.

Whoo!

Oh, damn.

Who died?

Don't tell me Martin went ahead

and killed that little light skinned girl

for gettin' on his nerves.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

I know you.

You're Shananoah.

Excuse me.

Oh, no, he didn't. What did you call me?

Shananoah? Oh, no, okay?

It's Sheneneh. Say it with me.

- Sheneneh. - Sheneneh.

And you don't you add or forget that R.

Well, he told me all about you.

Martin..

Oh, I know what you thinking. You didn't really come here.

You want to come here.

Oh, you want to get with me just like Martin does, huh?

You want yourself a sister, don't you?

Oh, no. Won't happen here.

Because Sheneneh ain't with the swirl, alright?

I don't swirl, okay?

Okay? So well, let's wake up, people.

Alright?

- I gotta go. - Well, you do that, okay?

Okay, but no sister here, alright? You remember that.

Take your temperature, 'cause you know what you got?

What?

You got Sheneneh fever now.

♪ You got Sheneneh fever ♪

♪ You got Sheneneh fever ♪♪

♪ Cheated on my woman ♪

♪ She cut off my hand ♪

♪ I feel the pain ♪♪

Yo, babe. This is great, right?

Stan got us a limo.

Tommy and Cole ain't never got us no limo.

Martin, this is a hearse from his funeral parlor.

Oh. Well, I guess we won't be stopping at no red lights.

Pang.

This is our song.

I know.

No, not you.

Me and Darnell from the post office.

Now that man knew how to treat a woman.

Well, what the hell do you call this?

A nightmare.

Baby, loosen up, alright?

Stan got us champagne.

Martin, it has a twist off cap.

Well, that's because Stan was thinking, baby. Alright?

Those corks can put somebody's eye out.

And then you'll be leavin' me, Gina

because me and you can't see eye to eye.

I'm not in the laughin' mood right now.

Here, everybody.

How's about a bit of the bubbly?

Little bit. Just.. Ah-ah

Alright. Now, here's a toast.

To Stan and Myra, our permanent hangout partners.

- Ah, yeah. - Oh!

[screams]

- Shawn! - Sorry, everybody.

I-I-I feel asleep there for a minute

but that swerve woke me up.

Oh, Stan. Look at this.

I'm all wet.

Now you gonna have to buy me a new outfit.

Like hell I will.

You already owe me 375 for your half of dinner.

Yo, that's 385, Stan. She had cheese on that, man.

Charging me for dinner.

You ain't right, Stan.

Men ain't nothing, but lowdown sleazy dogs.

- Ain't that right, girlfriend? - I-I don't know.

Maybe you just haven't met the right man yet.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

I didn't mean you, Stan.

Well, how many men do you think I'm seeing?

I-I don't know. I r-really don't care.

Ah, but I do. How many men are you seeing?

Uh-oh.

You don't started somethin' now, girlfriend

and I know why.

I see the way you've been looking at Stan all night.

- I was not. - Well, why not?

You think you too good for Stan?

- Yeah. - Look at him.

Go on. Look at him.

I don't wanna look at him. Martin.

I don't wanna look at him either.

Now you better stop talking to my girl like that.

Oh-oh, I can talk any kind of way I want.

It ain't your hearse.

And it ain't your hearse either.

Looking at your makeup, it'll damn sure be yours soon.

Oh, now that's it. Are you gonna let him talk to me like that?

Well, damn, Myra. It's not like he was lyin'.

Oh, I really don't have to take this.

Stop the car, Shawn. Stop right now!

(Myra) 'Ow.'

It's either gonna be them or me.

It's me. It's me.

I'm outta here. Martin, Martin. Uh-huh.

You can stay here if you want to, Martin

but look, what you need to be doing is be at home

tryin' to figure out what kind of apology

you're gonna say to your friends on the radio.

Alright, alright, okay. Come on, Gina. Calm down.

Alright, alright. I'll go on the radio tomorrow

and I will apologize, babe, alright?

Hang out for a little while. It ain't that bad, Gina.

- Come on. - Oh-ho-ho-ho.

Stan.

Could you crack my toes?

- You know how it makes me feel. - Ooh.

I think I'll start with that little pinky toe.

Oh, yes.

Hell no. Hell no.

Move, babe. I'm outta here.

Baby. Baby, don't leave me!

What up, what up, what up. We're back. Alright.

Look here, before we wrap things up

we gonna go out on a different note today.

I gotta set things straight.

I said somethin' on my show

about a friend that I shouldn't have.

So to make it up..

[exhales]

...I got a little confession to make.

Here we go.

Damn, this is hard.

But I'm a man, I could do it.

This is for you, Tommy, Cole, Pam.

Alright.

One night, two years ago, before I met my girlfriend..

...I tried to sleep with my neighbor Sheneneh.

I, uh, I went over to her place..

...but she wouldn't even answer the door.

Alright, okay. I got it out.

I hope y'all are happy. If you're not happy, go to hell.

Now, I got to give in and get outta here.

This is Martin Payne. See you when I see you. Peace!

[instrumental music]

Sheneneh. Damn! Unh!

I can't believe you told, man.

I've to hand it to you, Martin.

That was a deep secret, and I never would've guessed it.

Oh, we even now, my brother.

I don't wanna talk about it anymore.

Yes, please.

Please, let's just leave it in the past, okay?

What is important is that we are all partners again.

(all) Yeah.

- Hey, guys. - What?

- Give me love. - Alright, man.

- Alright. - Alright.

[all sigh]

Alright, so what're we gonna do? We gonna play some cards?

- Strip poker. - Shut up.

[knocking on door]

(Sheneneh) 'Oh, my goodness.'

'Martin, it's Sheneneh. Martin, open up.'

'Oh, my goodness.'

Baby, I didn't know.

Come on home. You, come on home.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]