Original subtitles

Ah-choo.

Roscoe!

What are you doing in here? It is 6:30 in the morning.

- How'd you get in here? - Never mind how I got in here.

I wanted to watch cartoons.

You have a TV. Why don't you watch TV at your own house?

You know what I have. I felt like watching it here.

Boy, get your shoes off my couch.

Does your mother know you're here?

No. Does your mother know Martin spends the night?

Out! I want you out of my house.

People in hell want ice water

but you can't always get what you want.

Get your shoes off my couch

wipe your nasty little nose, and get out my house.

No. No. I-I-I'll punch you. I bet I kick you.

I-I'll stab you with my crayon.

I am the adult, you are the child.

You don't talk to me like this.

You get your shoes off my couch!

- Oh! - Ooh!

[theme music]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence yeah.. ♪

(Martin) How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence yeah ♪ ♪ He's so crazy! ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪ ♪ Lawrence yeah ♪

(Martin) Wass up? How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

- Oh, Martin, look at this. - What, bae?

Everything's pink. You should have separated

the whites from the colors.

Babe, that would be racist laundry.

- Stop it. - 'Yeah.'

- Damn. Yo, these your B.A.D.S? - Martin, what are B.A.D.S?

Big-ass drawers.

They're not mine. I'll just throw these away.

- Give me. - What?!

No, no, no. Now I don't have to buy that car cover.

These are very big though.

How long does it take to get these off, about a year?

Oh, Mrs. Porter.

I don't know what I'mma gonna do.

I guess I'm gonna to live with the homeless.

- What? - My apartment's been hit.

- Hit? - I been robbed.

They took everything, except the corns off my toes.

Man, what? They didn't have a big enough truck?

Martin.

Aw, Mrs. Porter, it's awful.

Is there anything we could do?

There's nothing you can do.

There's nothing anybody can do.

I'm the fourth person that's been hit in the past two weeks.

- Ah, damn! - Well, what did the police say?

Move.

You know what? We should start one of those

neighborhood watch groups.

- Yeah, I'd like that. - Whoa, whoa, babe!

Neighborhood watch is just an excuse

for a bunch of old hags to get together

and spy on people.

Now you're talking, sucker.

I'll have everybody here tomorrow night.

What do you mean, here? Why not at your apartment?

I don't want them old broken-down broads

stinking up my apartment with that liniment.

Martin, I think it's a good idea.

I'd feel safer knowing there are people looking out for us.

What you mean, like, Mrs. Porter?

Ah, well, that may be good. I mean she did run Mr. Porter off.

I'm just playing.

Mrs. Porter, we'll see you tomorrow night, okay?

- Tomorrow night, 6:30. - Okay.

- And I'll handle everything. - Mm-hm.

And I'll bring that new cop that's been walking the beat.

Okay.

And don't you cook nothing I can't chew, sucker.

Hey.

Ain't these my drawers?

I was wondering where I left them.

Okay. Just once. I was drunk.

You didn't want me.

[door opens]

- Uh, Martin. - Yo, what's up?

I'm your engineer for the day.

- I gave Sean the morning off. - Oh, man.

That was nice of you. How come?

Oh, he got nicked by a straight bullet.

Down at the convenient store.

- Oh, man! Is he alright? - Oh, yeah.

He should be in here by two.

Or whenever they stop the bleeding.

This world is messed up, man.

First last week, four people in my building get robbed.

- Now this. - Look, Martin.

If it was my country, hey, there wouldn't be no crime.

Because I would do it the way they did it

in ancient Mesopotamia.

Back then, when you lie they cut off your tongue.

Or if you stole something, hey, they chopped off your hand.

Or if you smell bad, they cut off your nose.

Stan, that doesn't make any sense man.

Hey, Martin, I didn't write their constitution.

But I'll tell you one thing. They didn't have any crime.

And their women didn't shave under their arm.

Oh, Martin. I'm gonna tell you man

you haven't lived until you've had a hairy armed

crime free woman.

[phone ringing]

Hello? Where are you Sean?

Okay! Alright, Sean, now look here uh..

After it's sewn up, I want you to catch the first bus

ride back here, okay?

What? Health insurance? Oh.. oh, yeah, sure.

Sean, I'll put you in touch with the health insurance department.

Uh, hold on. They're gonna talk to you right now, okay?

If he calls back, pretend I'm not here.

- Stan, that's cold man. - You think that's cold?

I'm gonna dock him for the three hours he missed.

- Yo, baby. Baby, baby. - Huh?

Can we get this started, and get it over with, please?

Sure, honey. Everyone, can we have a seat, please?

'Thank you.'

You all know why we're here

so let's thank Mrs. Porter for setting this up.

Great. So let me introduce to you

the man who's going to organize our neighborhood watch

Officer Warren.

Officer Warren.

Ow! Sorry.

I'm officer Warren, I'm here to talk about neighborhood watch.

Maybe you need to watch your head, partner.

[all laughing]

[exhales] Crime..

...Is a problem in our neighborhood and why?

Because every six seconds, a man on the street is robbed.

Every 60 seconds, a man on the street

is beaten to a bloody pulp.

Well, it sounds like to me

the man ought to keep his ass in the house.

[all laughing]

- Ee-oop. - Ee-oop.

No. What the man should do is join neighborhood watch.

Because by joining with others, you're like a flock of pigeons

united in a common defense against the enemy.

Well, that make 'em easier to shoot, don't it?

You're a funny one, aren't you?

You know, I alright!

Okay, mister. Come up here.

Pretend you're a punk and coming towards me.

- I don't want to, man. - Go ahead, Martin. Do it.

- Yeah. - Come on, Martin.

- 'Show him. Show him.' - 'Get on up.'

Bam. Okay, I'm here.

Now, now, what's up? What do I do now, huh?

Nothing. That's what.

Because you're in a neighborhood watch community and that means

that Mrs. Porter is watching you with a set of binoculars

right now and she's probably calling the police.

Not between 3:00 and 3:30 I'm not.

I'll be watching the reruns of "Sanford And Son."

- 'Yeah. Me, too.' - Way to go, Mrs. Porter.

You go, girl. Ha-ha!

Now, look here. No disrespect, partner, alright?

But this neighborhood watch, man ain't getting it.

- It ain't happening. - Okay, young man.

You seem to have all the answers.

Why don't you just stand here

and demonstrate crime prevention yourself?

Hey, okay, fine. I will.

Alright. What these people need to know, man

is how to prepare and act tough.

Okay? Because, see, if these punks know

they can take care of their self

they ain't gonna mess with you, alright?

Now everybody stand up. Let me show you what I'm talking about.

Stand up.

Now, Mrs. Porter, come on over here.

'Cause you got that little face that just look tough.

- Yeah, sure. You're right. - Okay. Ha-ha!

There you go. Now, give me some tough.

Now, everybody look tough. Tough, bad. Okay?

Now, tougher, a little tougher, though, 'cause, yeah.

Okay. Now, grab your crotch.

- Bam. - Well, it's yours.

- You know? Grab it. - I like this.

Okay. Now stroll. Stroll.

Stroll with it. Everybody, stroll with it. Bad.

Boom. See, now, at this point, people are movin' out

your way because they see your stroll.

Okay. See how you got yours?

See, you having yours. Alright.

Now, spit with that.

Not on my couch, Mrs. Porter.

Okay, walk with it. Bam.

At this point, punks are moving out your way right now

see, they moving out your way

'cause they fear what you got around.

Now stop. Bam.

Now, let it marinate.

Now, don't you feel tough?

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- Don't you feel strong? - Yeah.

Don't you feel like going home?

- Sure! - Yeah!

Then get the hell out of my apartment.

Ah-ha!

Now..

That's how you scare people.

You're a statistic waiting to happen, mister.

- Ah-huh. - Here's my card.

I hope you never need it.

Well, I'm sorry things worked out the way they did, officer.

Don't be sorry. Be safe.

Ah-ha! Baby, baby, baby.

I am so glad, man, we had this meeting, babe.

I set those people straight, didn't I?

Martin, do you honestly think that

telling those people to walk around grabbing themselves

is gonna save them from crime?

Most definitely, baby! I gave those people something

no neighborhood watch could give them.

I gave them confidence, Gina.

Let it marinate.

I'm glad we walked Mrs. Porter home.

- She was really shaken up. - Man!

Whoever hit her apartment left her with nothing.

I mean, just out of luck, the only thing they didn't take

was her high school yearbook.

Did you see what Jesus wrote in her yearbook?

- Martin. - What?

I just playing, bae. Me and Je-Jesus knows.

He joked, too, babe. Uh-huh.

No. No, but I'm-I'm serious. You know what, babe?

Mrs. Porter going to be alright.

'Cause she-she's a strong old lady.

It just sad that robbers always go for the old and the weak.

- That is so true. Huh! - Sad!

[switch clicks]

Damn!

Hurry up, Martin. Officer Warren will be here any minute.

You need to finish that list of what was stolen.

You're right, bae. Alright.

- Now, what did I leave off? - Um, big-screen TV.

Big-screen TV? Martin, you didn't have a big-screen TV.

- Not yet, Gina. - A gold Rolex w..

You didn't have a gold Rolex either.

Yes, I did. I had eight of 'em, babe.

Eight?

It was in the pocket of my mink coat.

Did I forget to write that down?

Martin, you're lying. You need receipts for all that stuff.

I had receipts, babe, they were in the safe.

But they took that, too, along with the diamond ring

I was going to give you as a gift.

Diamond ring?

Diamond ring, clustered, 3-carat. Ding.

Oh, yeah! Now I remember.

You need to put that on the list too.

- Alright, you want two of 'em? - Give me that.

- I was just joking. - Hey, I was just playing too.

Let me cross out this Mercedes.

It's been two hours. Where is that cop?

You ain't so bad without your boys, huh?

What, what boys? What're you talking about?

I saw your video. You was real good though.

You was real good. So why not hit me, huh?

Now why would I want to do that?

Oh, 'cause Sheneneh going to get paid, that's why.

Alright. So hit me.

Well, I am not going to hit you.

Oh, oh!

Stop it. Why you hitting me?

Stop! Alright, hey! Stop hitting me.

- No justice, no peace! - Stop that!

- I am not hitting her. - No-no justice, no peace!

- No hands. - Oh!

Sheneneh, leave that man alone, and go back in your apartment.

No. No, Gina. Ah, I know what you're trying doing.

You think you slick, huh? You think just because you're

a witness you're gonna get a piece of the pie, but no-o.

No! Alright. Sheneneh ain't giving up one red dime. Alright?

- Here, miss. - Ohh! Ohh!

Why'd you do this, mister?

Why?

'I've fallen, and I can't get up.'

Well, well, well. What a surprise.

If it isn't Mr. Grab-your-crotch- hawk-and-spit.

Pshhh. Whatever, man.

As you can see, they stole everything.

Hmm. I would have thought that gangster stroll of yours

would have scared them off.

Ho, wow. Look at me.

I'm scared.

- Ho, I'm so scared. - Whatever, alright?

Look, man, they stole all my stuff.

They took my TV.

Why don't you just stroll right on down to your neighborhood

department store and buy yourself another one?

You know what? You're gonna

chill with that stroll stuff, alright?

S-s-so what're you saying?

We're not gonna get anything back?

Forget it. It's with Elvis. Wish I could help you.

But the best way to get your TV back

is never to have it stolen in the first place.

What kind of stupid advice is that?

It's better than what I told the lady downstairs.

I actually told her to move.

Aren't you even going to file a report?

Sure. I'll file one. You got a list of the missing items?

Yeah, I got a list You better believe I got a list.

But I got to put some more things on it, too.

Alright, then send it along.

And maybe next time you'll take me a little more seriously.

Damn Japanese architects.

What're we gonna do now, Martin?

What're we gonna do?

Well, I tell you what, this is our building

and me and my partners are going to take it back, bae.

Martin, what are you thinking?

I ain't thinking anymore, Gina.

I'm going to handle it my way.

Hey, what's going on in here?

Oh, Martin's got another stupid plan.

We're helping him catch the thief who robbed him.

And how do you plan to do that?

You set him up.

See, he put a big-screen TV box downstairs in front of the

building so the thief will think he bought some new stuff.

And all week along he's been lying on his radio show

about some concert he's supposed to be going to

tonight between 8:00 and 10:00

that way we know when the robber's coming.

And what if the robber doesn't listen to Martin's radio show?

He told Cole's cackling mama the same story.

Yeah. You know mom. It's all over town by now.

You're right. He'll be here.

[glass shatters]

Hey, hey, hey..

What are you doing, man?

Snuck right up on you, Cole.

How come you wasn't at your post on the roof?

'Cause it's slanted, and I keep falling off.

I thought I told you to wait by the dumpster.

- Man, that trash stinks. - So does this excuse, Tommy.

Now both of you, get down and give me ten.

Not.

Gina, what are you doing here?

This is no place for a woman, alright?

- Alright. - Wait, whoa, whoa.

We might need a nurse. Go boil some water.

Now, Cole, get up. Everyone, pay attention.

This is serious.

Alright, he'll be here any minute.

Now, let's review what I taught you about self-defense.

Gina, if I got this, pay attention.

[chuckles] Martin, I know how to take care of myself.

I took self-defense at the "Y."

At the "Y," Gina? Ha-ha! At the "Y."

Why ask why? At the "Y." Well, that's fine, Gina.

If you're being attacked by the village people, okay?

Now, this is serious. Now, pay attention

'cause I can't be there all the time.

You hear me?

Now, no, boy. Don't you..

Don't you move!

- Tommy, watch out, Cole. - 'What?'

Hold him. Now..

Gina, Cole!

Did I-didn't I tell you ...pay attention?

You know you better pay attention.

Alright.

Now, look, listen, and learn

why I'm the master at this.

Hey, how you doin'?

So, yeah. You like stealing from people, huh?

Ooooiy!

That's for my VCR.

Oy-oy-oy-oy! A-a-a-a-aaaya!

That's for my TV.

Aa-aa-aa-aa-ya! Aa-ya!

That's for Mrs. Porter. You hurt her feelings.

Aa-aa-aa-aa-ya! Aa-ya!

That's..

...for James Brown going to jail.

Ya! Ah-ah!

Didn't your mother ever tell you not to steal?

Hey, hey, Martin, Martin, Martin, Martin.

[grunts] Come on, man. Come on. Come on, chill. Chill.

Ahh..

Oh. You're right. Oh, yeah, you're right.

- Yaaaah! - Martin!

- Martin! - Calm down!

- Stop it! - Let him go!

- Stop it! - Let go.

- Stop it! Martin! Martin! - Come on. Come on.

- Break into my house. - Martin, take a deep breath.

- Break in my damn house! - Calm down, Martin.

- I want my TV! - Martin!

- Come on. - Stop it. Just breathe.

Inhale.

[breathing in]

(Tommy) 'There you go.'

There you go, dawg. There you go.

- Alright. - It's okay.

- You alright? - I'm sorry.

I thought that was a real robber.

- Aah-ya! Ya! - Come on. Come on.

Come on now. Relax, okay? It's alright.

[phone rings]

Let me down, Tommy. Let me get the phone. Phone.

Get the phone. Gina, the phone. Grab me the phone.

Hello?

Yeah, Mrs. Porter? Are you sure?

She says someone is on this floor with a ski mask. A man.

Okay. Now, look..

Okay, now, Mrs. Porter, lock your door and call the cops.

I'll handle it.

So I'm crazy, huh?

I'm a fool?

Well, if I'm so stupid, how come I'm about to be robbed?

Now, take your positions.

[rattling]

(Gina) 'Somebody's turning the doorknob!'

- 'Shh. Whosoever, be quiet.' - 'You be quiet. You're talking.

(Martin) 'Oh, like you ain't talking.'

[door opens]

- 'Yaaaaa!' - 'Aaah!'

- 'Yaaaaah!' - 'Take this!'

- 'Yaaah!' - 'I got him, Tommy.'

- 'No. I got him, Martin.' - 'I got him, Tommy.'

- 'I got him, Tommy.' - 'Okay.'

- 'Yaaa!' - 'Turn on the light.'

- 'I'll turn on the light.' - 'Uhh!'

Uhh! Uhh!

- Hey, Martin! - Ya-ya-ya..

Hey, Martin, Martin, Martin.

- Get him. Yaaa! - Gina!

I taught you well, babe.

It's Officer Warren.

Tommy..

Alright, you got me. I'm a criminal.

But I had no choice. It all started when I was a kid.

I had no toys, so I stole some.

I had no pet, so I stole one.

I had no wife, so I stole my brother's.

You know what, man? You're sick.

You have a problem.

- Alright, freeze! - Freeze!

Hey! Hey, freeze, punk!

Freeze! Come on!

Come on! Give me a reason. Come on!

Hey, man.. why it got to be all the time

about the brothers, huh?

- Huh? This is my place, man. - 'Come on!'

Why don't you look around? Huh? It's not me, man. I live here.

W-well, we, we got a call

from Mrs. Porter, is everybody alright?

We caught the robber who's been robbing our apartments.

You know what, this is sad, man.

I can't believe I got robbed by a crooked cop.

This guy's not a cop. He's a scam artist.

Didn't you ask for any identification?

Yes, I asked for identification, officer.

It says it right there "Officer William Warren."

- Ha-ha! - It's in pencil.

Hey, you. Let's go. Come on.

Don't worry, Mr. Payne, we got all your

belongings down at the precinct.

- And I want it back! - Let's go!

- Come on. - Alright, I'm going.

But I want to make one last confession before I leave.

Your girlfriend felt me up in the dark.

You're so, you're a fool!

[instrumental music]

[theme music]