Original subtitles

I was thinking last night about my lady.

And how much I loved her.

And I came to the realization

that my affection for this woman is so strong

that if necessary, I would die for her.

Swim any ocean..

...climb any mountain

all for the love of this woman.

But I will not..

...and I repeat..

...I will not let her eat off my plate.

So, babe, if you ever try it again..

...somebody could get hurt.

I love you.

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence yeah ♪

How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence yeah ♪

He's so crazy!

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence yeah ♪

How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪♪

[instrumental music]

♪ What a beautiful day in this morning ♪

♪ What a beautiful day in this morning ♪

♪ What a beautiful.. ♪♪

[cutlery clanks]

Where is the spoon?

Ah..

Hmm, something smells good.

- Baby, what are you doin'? - Ha-ha.

Cookin' for my baby. Ha-haa.

So, you can't leave for work, baby. You know why?

'Cause I made you breakfast. Scrambled eggs, hash browns.

And waffles.

Martin, are you cheatin' on me?

No, Gina! I just wanna do a little somethin'

somethin' for you, girl.

- Oh, alright. - Now, you sit down here.

- Okay. - Lookin' all good.

- You cheatin' on me? - Shut up.

Alright, alright. Alright.

Alright, now, watch yourself, this is chic.

- What're you doin'? - Oh..

[chuckles]

Oh, baby, Hungry King breakfast

and you heated it up all by yourself.

Ha-hah.

That's right, and, it wasn't easy bake

'cause you gotta turn it every two minutes.

- You are quiet the cook. - If you like that..

Check out the Tang!

Made it from scratch. Creek water.

- Ha-ha. I'm just playin'. - Ha-ha-ha.

- Morning. Morning. - Morning. Morning.

I'm tryin' to cook for my baby, excuse us?

Oh, something's smellin' good up in here.

Just like mom's cookin'. Wait, wait a minute.

Is that Hungry King breakfast?

Yes, you know I tried cookin' that once, man

but I could not get it taste like mom's.

How-how do get them ice chunks out the middle?

Oh, man. You gotta turn it every two minutes.

Oh. I-I thought they meant, turn the microwave.

Ah-ha. Right, I'm not that stupid. Ha-ha.

Yeah, you're-you're right, Cole. You're not that stupid.

You just pathetic.

Tell 'em what all happened at your house last night.

Oh, yo, check..

- I can't right now. - 'Why not?'

Oh... oh, oh, I get it.

It's a man thing. It's a man thing.

That's alright.

I'm late for work, anyway. Mwah.

Bye, baby. I'll see you later. Oh, thanks for breakfast.

- It was delicious. - 'Ha-ha.'

- Did you like that? - I like that.

Well, if you like that, wait till you see

what I'm makin' tonight, girl.

- What's that? - Budget gourmet.

Mm-mm, good. See you later.

[chuckling] Bye. Yay, come on, man. Sit down here. What's up?

Your mother goin' through your mail again?

Psh, nah, man. It's worst this time, Martin.

Last night, right? I had this little honey over.

Shirley, from airport security.

(Martin) 'Ah-uh.'

We was all alone in my room, man.

I was on third base. About to bring it on home.

When all of a sudden, mom kicks the door, man. Boom, bam!

Cole! You two weeks behind on your rent

and got the nerve to have a guest over here?

Oh, man.

She could've waited two more minutes, you'd be finished.

Oh, it-it gets much better.

Tell him what you did next, Cole, go on.

Oh-oh, so-so, I told her, "Get out!"

- Your moms? - Hmm, n-no, Shirley.

- Oh, oh-oh, Cole. - No, no.

I mean, it's cool. It's cool, Shirley understood.

She got kids my age.

Cole, man, listen. That's not the point, man.

You gotta stop letting your mother punk you, man!

Every week, it's somethin' different.

She goes through your wallets. She-she she's wearing your hats.

Man, look, you gotta stand up to your mother.

Well, well, Martin, what am I supposed to do?

I'm supposed to cuss my moms out?

No, you'll lose that fight, too.

Your momma got a mouth like Dice Clay.

Be a man. Stand up to her, man.

Well, I don't think I know how to do that.

Tch, man, it's cool. Sit down here, I'll show you, alright?

Sit down, alright? Now, look. Um-um..

Tommy, you be uh, Cole's mother.

- I'mma be Cole. - Oh, who would I play?

You play nobody. Take notes, okay?

Now, what we gonna do is re-enact the scene

from last night between you and your mother.

And, show you what you did wrong.

Alright, now remember, we're in your bedroom.

Tommy is your mother. And, I'm you.

Alright? Ready?

- Right? Alright. - Let's go.

Oh. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh.. Oh..

Oh.. Come on, Shirley.

Ju-ju-just a peak. I've never seen one before.

[humming]

Wait.

Cole's door is closed.

Oh, wait a minute, that must mean..

Eh! Cole!

What is goin' on in here?

You are two weeks behind on your rent

and you have got the nerve to have some guest in here.

Unh-unh, honey.

Uh-uh, Shirley, it's my moms.

Take the paper bag off your head.

Uh, wait for me in the hall, Shirley.

I got some business to attend to, yeah!

Yeah, yeah. And, Shirley, before you go..

[mouthing] I love you. Ha-ha.

Now, uh, moms. Yeah.

Shut up and listen!

See. What-what, what did you say?

- Um, no. - What, did..

Excuse me, did you say somethin'?

- Mm, um.. - Oh, I-I-I..

I ain't think you were talkin' back! Uh..

Now, uh, yeah, yeah. See, I'm a man, right?

With a man's needs.

And, what I need right now, alright?

Is a big-boned security officer named Shirley.

- What-what-what? - Huh..

Cole, what has come over you?

For the first time you're not talkin' to me like a chump!

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's 'cause I'm a man.

No-now, get out there and make me a sandwich.

Ha-ha, yeah, yeah. What, you still here? I said, out!

I'll go, okay. I'm-I'm sorry, Cole.

It'll never happen again.

- And, stay out! - Yes, ma'am. Hm.

See, Cole.

- That's all there is to it. - Yeah, man.

Yeah. I mean, y'all

y'all really think I could do that, huh?

Cole, you're payin' rent, man.

Have some backbone. Be a man!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know somethin'?

You right, man. You right.

I mean, I should have did this a long time ago.

- Yeah. - I mean, yo.

Who does moms think she is, huh?

I make my bed, I brush my teeth.

I even wash behind my ears.

She gots to stop treatin' me like a child.

Yeah, hey, thanks man.

- Thanks, Martin. Thanks, man. - Hey.

- That's how we partners, see? - Right.

And-and, Martin, just for the record, right?

Shirley did not have a paper bag over her head.

It was a ride helmet.

[instrumental music]

This is the insane Martin Payne, I'm outta here.

See ya!

Martin..

Look at these phone messages, man.

Please stop making personal calls

it's costing me a fortune.

Stan, these are incoming calls, man.

They don't cost you any money.

But it ain't makin' me any money, either.

And who is this Cole, anyway?

He calls here most times than my girlfriend's husband.

Look, since you must know

he's a friend that's having trouble with his mother, man.

Oh, yeah? Well, he ought to do what I did.

What's that, Stan?

Martin, my mother used to run me ragged with her stupid rules.

"Please don't steal from me."

"Don't take my heart medicine."

Nag, nag, nag.

I told her, that I maybe in high school now.

But in 30 years, I'm gonna be the one

to pick out your nursing home.

So, you treat me right, and it'll be Shady Acres.

If not, you'll be pickin' up cans

out there on the side of the highway.

Man, it changed her attitude, and it changed my life.

And what happened to your mother, man?

Oh, she's doing great. I waved to her the other day

as I was driving by on the highway.

I even threw her a few cans.

Well, you're a sweet, great son, Stan.

Yeah, that's what she said.

At least, I think that's what she said..

I had the window up.

[instrumental music]

Ah!

Ah, where are you, girl?

I think I.. Gina.

Ah!

Don't be so static, girl.

Let me show you what's happening.

I want you out, baby.

You can't litter my house by my rules!

So, things got to change.

♪ Gina ♪

♪ Come out and play-ay ♪♪

Ah-ah!

[both scream]

- Ah! - Ah! Hey!

[screaming]

Alright! You won. Ah! You won. You won!

'You won! Give it up!'

[laughing]

[screaming]

Wait, you won, you won!

I want you to say I'm the woman.

- You're the woman. - Wasn't loud enough.

You-you are the woman!

[banging on door]

- Yeah! - The door.

[panting]

What y'all doin?

Oh, no, we was, um, trying these out for my little nephew.

- Right. Yeah. - But, these'll work. These..

So, go ahead. Wrap those. Yeah, alright.

So, what's up, partner? What bring you here, man?

What's up, man? I just stopped by to tell you that

I stood up to my moms and I feel great.

- Alright. Yeah. - Good for you, Cole.

Yeah. Yeah, Shirley was over and

moms busted in again.

Alright, what did she say?

Well, I told her what you told me to say

I said, "Yeah, yeah yeah."

I said, "Look at here, moms!

"Don't be bustin' up in my room bustin' my groove.

"You understand what I'm saying? Now, get out.

And make me and Shirley a sandwich."

Tell me you did not say that to your mother.

That's what you told me to say.

Cole, we was just playing with you, man.

- Did you apologize? - Well, nah, I couldn't.

'Cause right after that, she kicked my butt out of the house.

- Ah. Sorry. - Sorry, Cole.

Well, that's cool, I mean, you know, it's alright.

'Cause-'cause I got my self respect.

- 'Right.' - And, I owe it all to you, man.

- I owe it all to you, man. - Alright, man, peace.

- Well, at least.. - Well, the boy got his respect.

I mean..

So, where do I sleep?

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[dramatic music on TV]

[clears throat]

Eh, ah, ssh, man..

Sorry.

[slurping]

- Shh! - Sorry.

(man on TV #1) 'I have gathered you all here today'

'because I have found the killer'

'of Lord Barrington.'

'It is someone in this room..'

'And, that someone is none other than..'

- Yo, go back, Cole. - I'm sorry, man.

I thought it was the volume.

(man on TV #2) 'Just $9.95, but, wait, there's more.'

That is the volume, man!

[dramatic music on TV]

- Oh. - Look, it's over.

Sorry.

Martin, we just watched two hours of that for nothing.

I'm sorry, Gina, but I knew who the killer was anyway.

It was the maid. I've seen it before.

Cole, what do you mean, "It was the maid?"

There wasn't a maid, through the whole movie, man.

Maybe, I'm thinking of the Jefferson's.

Martin, you want some chocolate milk?

- No, thank you, babe. - I'll take one, Gina.

Babe, hurry up, back, alright?

'Cause you're favorite movie gettin' ready to come on.

Well, not tonight, it's not. We watching "King Beef", man.

Hold, hold. Didn't you just make us watch

the "King Beef" movie, last night?

Yeah, but it's "King Beef" week.

Dr. King Beef, Godzilla has burned half the countryside.

We must flee. We must flee.

Yes. You are so right.

We must flee to America..

...before Godzilla gets to the airport.

But, first..

I must dance!

[girls cheer]

(all) Go King Beef! Go King Beef!

(all) Go Beef! Go Beef!

(all) Go KB! Go KB! Go! Go!

Here's your milk, Cole.

Unh-unh-unh-unh, girl, you know I like mine darker.

Martin, could I see you in the bedroom for a minute, please?

- Sure, babe. - Ah-ha-ha.

Yo, man, we'll be back.

Alright. Hey, Gina, toss me some chips on the way.

No, Cole. There are no more chips.

And there aren't any more cookies, either.

Well, don't you think you need to

put that on a grocery list then?

[chuckles]

Martin, I wanna see you in the other room, now!

Oh..

Oh, I know why she wants to see you in the other room.

Oh, but don't worry, I ain't gonna listen.

Just like I ain't listenin' last night.

Grab my ears..

"What's my name? What's my name?"

Ah!

[moans] Ah!

He was listening to me!

I know, babe. Just calm down, alright? Calm down.

Martin, he's been here four days

I can't stand another minute of this.

Gina, you're tellin' me, the whole place smells like

feet and corn chips.

Martin.. Last night, I heard him clipping his toenails

at 3 o'clock in the morning.

Gina, he does that every night.

I know. How many toes does he have?

Look, babe, that doesn't bother me as bad as

every morning at 9 A.M.

you hear the shower going and him singing..

♪ At the Copa ♪

♪ Copa Cabana ♪♪

Martin, no look, Martin, we have got to get him out of here!

Alright, um, look, we gotta come up with a plan.

You know what? We can always starve him out.

No, babe. Listen, this could work, look, we take all the food

out of refrigerator, right, we hide in the bedroom.

Ah, a couple weeks go by

ah, we hear a body drop from starvation

we push him into the hallway

and then we move on with our lives.

Martin, why can't you just tell him to get out?

Gina, because I can't.

- It's my fault this happened. - Why is it your fault?

Because, I told Cole to stand up to his mother.

Alright? He took it too far.

And now he has no place to stay, babe.

[sighs] The boy's homeless.

Just like Blind Willie and his bald-head cat.

Look-look, let's just, let's just go to your place, alright?

That's not gonna solve anything, Martin.

Yeah, you're right. He'll just find us there.

Hmm. Martin, I just wanna get away from him

for a little while, that's all.

Okay, okay, look, hey.. Let's go to a movie, alright?

It'll get out minds off him for a couple hours, okay?

- Just the two of us? - Just the two of us.

- No Cole? - No Cole.

(Cole) 'When y'all two are done, you wanna play some cards?'

[instrumental music]

[laughing]

- Babe? - What?

I feel so much better now, I'm glad we got out!

- Me too. Yeah. - Yeah?

Man, you know, Cole did us a good thing.

He got us out the house, together.

- We went to the movies. - Hmm-hmm.

And, I got to see Robin Givens in her panties.

- Oh, you like that, huh? - Ha-ha.

- You like that? Huh? - Ha-ha.

- What? - What? Nah, I like you better.

Mwah. We gotta be quiet, 'cause Cole's probably asleep.

You don't wanna make a little noise?

- Just open the door. - Hey, babe, sleep here tonight?

- Okay. - Okay.

[instrumental music]

What the hell is goin' on in here?

Hey, hey! The stripper's here.

- The stripper's here. - The stripper's here.

Kill that noise, alright? There ain't no stripper here, alright?

[glass shatters]

[all laughing]

Martin, you take care of this.

- I'm gonna find Cole, alright? - Alright, bae.

- Yo, where's Cole? - Excuse me.

Hey, that brother's in the bathroom

with Shirley from security!

Let me ask you a question, man.

Do you put your feet up on your mother's table at home?

- As a matter of fact, I do. - Alright.

Well, you ain't at home, so get your feet up off.

Hey, man, who are you? This is Cole's crib!

Hey, what.. Hey, man, what're you all, hey!

This is an antique. Yo, what're you, y'all like kids, man!

Damn, this--

[shatters]

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, why you gotta break Cole's vase?

Can't we all just get along?

You better leave before I call the cops on you, alright?

Later! Get out! Let's go!

Out! Yo, man! Come on.

- Out, alright? - 'I filled it up with beer.'

- 'Y'all ready?' - Hey, out, man!

Yo, let's go, partner! Out! Out!

Hey, man, do you mind, if I videotape the stripper?

What? You-you..

You don't get it, do you? Let's go, out. Let's go, out.

- Out, out. - Yeah, alright.

We're not paying for the stripper.

- What're we gonna do then? - 'They almost stand by 7/11.'

Babe, look at this. This, this..

Look at your..

Listen, I said, everybody out.

I said, "Everybody, get out!"

Man, if I gotta go off on, hey, hey!

Partner!

You want beer?

And, stay out, man!

I'm not lying. I'm not lying.

I mean, I lie to women can't get away with time

but on you baby, ah-ha-ha.

Where's everybody? Where'd everybody go?

Well, you get ready to go!

Le-let's go Big Shirley, out!

Le.. Come on!

Let's go!

Go get a sandwich, Shirley. Let's go, out!

Look, Martin, man, I can explain. Alright?

I can explain, I thought you were staying at Gina's--

Is that supposed to make me feel better?

Yo, Cole, you got a lot of growing up to do, man, alright?

You know what, I see why your mother threw you out, man.

Yo, you're a free loadin' pain in the ass.

And I'm only telling you that because I love you.

Wait-wait a minute, where do you come off

talking to me like that, man?

Hey, yo, Cole, this is my house, alright?

I say what I want in my house.

You get your own place. You say what you want, alright?

[chuckles] You know, you sound just like my mama.

You-you don't get it, do you?

You-you just don't get it, man.

[sighs]

What should I do?

You have to figure it out for yourself, Cole.

- Moms, what you doin' here? - I called her.

I think you two have some things to discuss. Martin.

Well, hurry up and apologize.

I'm parked in the handicap spot.

Alright, look, moms..

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I-I talked to you

like that the other night, I was wrong.

I mean, you were right, if I live in your house

I gotta live by your rules.

That's right.

You know, I thought it would be different

when I moved in here with Martin.

But I see it's not.

I mean, you live with someone else

they call the shots.

So, what do you wanna do?

I'm 26 years old, mom, and I live at home.

I think it's about time that I just move out on my own.

Get my own place.

Live by my own rules.

And call my own shots.

Cole, you're a man.

You know what you gotta do.

But until you find your own place

you know where home is.

- Thanks, mama. - Ha.

But you know what? I sure am glad that you're gonna

stay with me until you find your own place.

Because Martin keep a nasty house.

I know Edna didn't raise him like this.

Now, I want you to leave your stuff here

till we have time to shake everything out.

'Cause I think the boy got roaches.

Oh, finally, they're gone. Finally!

Oh. Look at the vase, babe!

Oh, the place is a mess, Martin.

- It's our mess alone, huh? - Yes.

Look here. Wake me up when you finish cleaning, okay?

Oh, no, you will not try this.

- What? - Oh, no--

Excuse me..

Uh, is this apartment number 42?

- Yes. - Great.

I'm the stripper you ordered.

I don't normally do this for couples, but..

Hey, whatever turns you on.

[upbeat music on stereo]

[instrumental music]