Original subtitles

Some people you never forget.

That includes Penny Cooper.

The ugliest girl in the ninth grade.

And I don't like to call people ugly.

But-but anyway.

Prom day was comin'

and no one had asked Penny Cooper.

And I didn't think that was right

so I walked right up to her

looked her in her wondering eye..

...and I said, "Penny Cooper

would you be my date for the prom?"

she thought for a second and said

"Please, with those ears?

"I mean, do you think I would be caught

date with Dumbo?"

That's when I learned a valuable lesson that day.

That if I'm gonna be insulted

I rather be insulted by a tall Nubian princess

than an old buck tooth

baited Penny Cooper.

So, Penny, if you're out there I'm just wondering

did you shave the hair off your back yet?

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

How y'all feel?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

♪ Yo ♪ ♪ He's so crazy ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

How y'all feel?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

[instrumental music]

- Martin. - Yeah, baby.

Why are you saving all these "Playboys"

and "Player" magazines?

Hmm? Oh, no, no. Those-those are not mine.

It was here when I moved in, babe.

Uh-huh.

Hey, girl, what do I need with some paper women

when I got a real live flesh-and-blood fantasy here?

And you're all mine, girl.

- Oh, baby. That's so sweet. - That's right.

I'm throwing them out.

I got more in the car.

I'm just playing.

[knock on door]

Just playing.

- Yo. - What's up, man?

- Man, what's going on? - Hey, hey.

Hey, Gene. What's up?

What's up, man? I thought we was gonna play some ball.

Oh, no, no, I can't today.

You know, there's an airport emergency.

All the janitors have to report in.

- Was there an accident? - I'll say.

Two hundred and fifty one people on a plane from Mexico City.

They had some bad chili.

You know, then they hit an air pocket

boom, beans everywhere.

So, Martin, what do you say, man?

We gonna shoot hoop today

or are you still working on your show?

Oh, I'm with that. But, yo, you gotta listen to the show today.

Guess who I'm interviewing? Keith Washington.

Keith? You're interviewing Keith?

Why didn't you tell me?

[imitating Gina] Keith, uh..

You know what? You women kill me.

A brother sings a love song

you think he's singing to you personally

and then you call him by his first name.

No. Keith and I grew up together.

We sang in the same church choir.

We even went out a little while.

I can't believe he didn't call me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Babe.

What's "a while?"

I don't know. About three months or something.

Three moths? Why didn't you tell me about him?

Because, Martin, I think it's tacky

bringing up old relationships.

Plus, it just makes the other person uncomfortable.

Pfft. Uncomfortable? Who's uncomfortable?

Who's Keith Washington anyway?

A good-looking, rich brother that can sing. So what?

Well, he ain't no chubby checker.

Oh, ain't there some stinky airplane somewhere

with your name on it?

Don't worry, baby. You have nothing to be jealous of.

You're my one and only. You know that.

Jealous?

Nah, if anybody's jealous, it's you.

- I'm jealous? - That's right.

Of what, Martin?

Of all the women I didn't tell you about.

Oh, Really? Like who?

I'm not gonna tell you, Gina. That's tacky.

Well, you don't have to because they keep calling here.

Ow, baby. Whatever. Look, look, babe.

So will I see you at your party tonight?

You know you will. You looking all good.

You go, boy.

Never mind. I'll see you there.

Hey, why don't you guys stop by.

I'm having a party for some out-of-town clients.

- Alright. Cool. - Alright. See you later.

- Hey, tell Pam I said-- - Okay, Cole.

- Yeah. - Alright, baby.

Yo. Keith Washington.

That's some serious competition, man.

Nah, nah. I mean, I'm sure nothing happened between them.

You heard her what she said.

They only dated, you know, three months.

[laughing]

What y'all laughing at, man?

I don't know about you, right, but if she was my woman

by three months, she'd have had my baby.

[laughing]

Hey, I'm sure they was just friends, alright?

Yeah, right.

Look, man, I don't have any girls for friends, alright?

Cole, you don't have any men for friends.

[laughing]

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Why you always gotta dog me, Tommy?

Why you gotta dog me, Tommy? Why can't..

Why don't you just dog Martin?

'Cause Martin has a talk show

and a steady girlfriend.

So?

So there's no material.

Now, you, on the other hand

vacuum vomit off the ceiling of airplanes

and you live with your mama.

What are we supposed to do?

I-I see your point.

I mean, it's-it's noth-nothing personal.

Okay, Okay. I'm sorry I brought it up.

You know, you're right. My man, give me love.

Alright. Come on, Martin, give me love.

Y'all go ahead, man.

I'm thinking about something right now.

Oh, damn. This is serious.

[instrumental music]

Huh. What's up?

What up? What up? Hey! Hey!

This is Shawn McDermott, the radio hermit.

Talk to me, Detroit.

"Whoa-ho, yo, Shawn man.

I think you're a really dynamic radio engineer."

Oh, get out of here. Well, thanks, man.

"Yeah, but why is it that your boss

be dogging you all the time?"

Well, um..

...that's-that's because he's a stupid idiot.

[laughing]

What's up?

"Shawn?" Yeah.

"I'm a very beautiful woman, Shawn."

Oh. Hmm.

"And right now, I'm wearing pink lipstick.."

Mm.

"White fishnet stockings.."

Huh.

"And pumps." Oh. Oh, wow.

So, uh, what is it you want?

I want you to get up out of my chair, Shawn.

I, uh, I was just checking to make sure that it was working

and, uh, yeah, it's all just fine.

Shawn, you..

There's places you can go for that, man.

Shawn, you've been using too much paper in the men's room.

Man, I 'm watching you.

- What? - Did you buy those CDs?

Yeah, I got 'em right here, boss.

Well, spread them around, Shawn.

I want this dump looking like

a respected top-40 station, man.

- Okay. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Boss man, is this another one of your scams?

Is that how you got me the interview

of Keith Washington, man?

Okay, Martin, so I lied

about the station's ratings and the format.

He'll never know, Martin.

One thing I know about these singers, man

they're not too bright.

Look, Martin, if somebody didn't write down

their lyrics for them, they'd be singing instrumentals.

Think about that, Martin.

And, uh, are you ready for the interview, man?

Oh, yeah. I'm ready for him. I got lots of questions for him.

- Okay. - Hi, I'm Keith Washington.

Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith.

My main man.

Welcome to WZUP

where we're all music all the time, man.

Really, I was listening to the station on my ride home

and all I heard was talk.

Well, welcome to WZUP

where we are mostly music some of the time.

Oh, and here's our all-talk and all-singing DJ

Martin Payne.

- Hey. - What's up?

Uh..

Ah, Martin, I'm gonna go outside

and check on my toiletries.

Martin, it's nice to meet you.

Who you doing, man?

I mean, how you doing?

I'm doing good.

So what you want to talk about?

Why, is there something special you wanna tell me?

No, not particularly.

Well, since you're from Detroit

I thought we'd talk about your musical roots here.

You know, who you listened to, who you sang with

uh, old girlfriends you never got over

stuff like that.

Hey, Martin, you're on in five, four, three, two..

What up? What up? Whazzup?

Yo, this is the insane, profane Martin Payne

kicking it with my special guest Keith Washington.

What up?

I'm so glad to be on the show, man.

Keith is in town to promote his album

but I 'm sure all your fans wanna know

when will you be leaving, man?

- Tomorrow morning. - Oh, man.

Maybe you better leave right after the show.

I mean, you know, how crowded

those airports can get, right?

Yeah, I think about that.

Can we talk about my album?

Oh. Yeah, you're right, let's talk about your album.

I, I'm especially interested in knowing

how do you come up with the material

for some of your songs?

But I'm especially interested

in three songs.

"Baby, I'm Back."

"Begin Again."

and "That Man Will Never Love You The Way I Loved You."

Who were you talking about, Keith?

Every woman that I've loved and lost.

You know, I've never gotten over any of them.

You pretty boys are so smooth, huh?

I bet women always fall all over you brothers

especially women in church choirs, huh?

Why, why are you talking about women in church choirs?

I'm not, but since you brought it up

let's talk about church choir.

There are some good, sweet, wholesome girls

in those church choirs.

Um, ever sleep with any, Keith?

No, I don't get physically involved with any woman

unless there's a real relationship.

And how long does it take for you to develop

this real relationship?

Is it one month, two months, two and a half

two and three weeks, uh, what?

Look, I don't have any hard rules.

Ahh, ballpark figure.

I don't know. Two months.

Two months?

So by three months, you've already..

We gotta break for commercial. We gotta..

We got to break for commercial.

Man, what kind of interview is this?

Hey, man, I'm just asking questions people wanna know.

Why, you got something to hide?

Something from your past, man?

What? No.

But you did stir up some memories.

I remember there was one fine sister in my church choir.

I mean, she had lips, hips

and she had all of that, pal.

And I promised myself

one day I'm gonna come back for her.

Yeah, I got to find her.

Thanks.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Gina. - Hey.

What's up, babe? How you doin'?

Nice party. Where's the beer keg?

We don't have one, Cole.

Okay. Well, no problem. I'll take care of that.

Excuse me, everybody!

Yo, check this out. I'm going for a beer run.

Alright, ante up.

Cole, Cole, Cole, Cole.

What are you doing, man?

It's not that kind of party.

For free?

Sorry about that. He's not too well.

But y-you look nice. Have a nice evening, Okay.?

Hey, hey, Martin, what's up, man?

Ah, you know, I'm...just dealing with some heavy stuff

right now, Tommy, you know, but, uh, I'm cool.

Really, well, w-what's up, man?

I found out Gina and Keith had a serious relationship, man.

What are you talking about?

He wants her back. I think Gina's gonna go for it.

Martin, brother, look, there's nothing going on.

It's in the past. Just leave it alone.

Well, he on the radio today he practically admitted

that Gina was his love slave.

Martin, I heard the show today. He didn't say that at all.

Man, shut up, Tommy.

Look, the man's got the fever, alright?

He's practically on fire. Alright?

And he admitted he was gonna look Gina up, man.

Do you know what that means, Tommy?

- What? - Damn it!

Do I have to spell it out for you?

They're going to get married, man.

You're crazy, Martin. You're crazy, man.

- Oh, I'm cra-- - Yes.

Look, look, look.

I'm crazy? You're right, Tommy.

I'm crazy, just like Mrs. Lionel Richie.

And I'm gonna kick somebody's ass.

Keith, it is so good to see you.

I bet it is.

Martin, I didn't expect to see you here.

- I bet you didn't. - Keith. Keith.

Why don't you go get yourself something to drink, okay?

Great idea. I can use a little something.

- What? Wha-- - Martin.

- What is your problem? - What's he doing here, Gina?

Martin, I told you, he's an old friend.

He called me this afternoon. And I invited him over.

Martin, you cannot react like this

with every old boyfriend of mine.

Well, yeah? Well, then watch me, Gina.

Watch you?

Right now, I don't even wanna know you.

- Gina, Gina, come here, girl. - What?

You have got to introduce me to Keith Washington.

- He is fierce. - Sure, Pam.

But don't get excited.

'Cause he meets hundreds of women.

Oh. But he's never met Pam. Okay?

Just be quiet, go introduce us

and leave the rest to me.

Okay.

Girl, here he come.

Keith, uh, this is my best friend Pam.

Oh, hi, Pam. Keith.

So you're friends with Gina, huh?

Are you gonna shake my hand all night?

Ah, Keith. Sorry, excuse me.

Girl, that went so smooth.

- What? - Look.

Pass this out to some of the guests, alright?

Go-go over there, way over there, farther.

[groans]

- Gina. - Yes.

You have some great friends.

Now I know why I left Detroit.

Gina, what a happening party.

I mean, everyone's getting down.

Whoa, introduce me to your famous friend here.

Um, Keith. This is Bob from the research department.

What's happening? Alright. Alright.

You know what? I have a big problem, man.

I had to make her introduce you to me.

What does that mean, Keith?

That means I don't know you. And why?

Because right now your career's right about here.

Alright? You want to go here, don't you?

I'm sure you do. 'Cause everyone does, man.

In order to get here, you need the hammer pants, man.

Hammer! Hammer!

Hammer! Hammer!

You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah.

Hey, that was freaky, whoa.

Look at the bod on that chick.

Excuse me. Think about what I said.

Look at her, man.

She used to look at me like that.

All you have to do is know to sing

and women fall all over you, man

no matter what you look like.

But he's good-looking, Martin.

I mean, the brother's got a great voice

and he's good-looking.

And he's got a great personality, too, you know.

Oh, oh, now everybody's in love with Keith.

Go ahead, laugh, pretty boy. Laugh.

Hey, Gina, get Keith to sing something for us.

Oh, yeah. Please, Keith. Come on. Come on.

Please, please, please.

Okay, okay, okay.

- I'll do it. - Okay.

Okay, everybody, can I have your attention please?

I'd like to introduce an old friend of Gina's

and a new friend of mine..

...Keith Washington.

- Yay! - Alright.

[applauding]

Thank you. Thank you.

You all may not notice but Gina and I used to sing together.

We used to do a lot of great things together, too.

'Alright. Gina, I can't do this alone.'

- Would you do this with me? - Oh, Keith.

Yeah, you know, matter of fact, this is one of our

favorite duets from the old days.

"The closer I get to you."

♪ The closer I get to you ♪

♪ The more you make me see ♪

♪ By giving me all you got baby ♪

♪ Your love has captured me ♪

♪ Yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah ♪

♪ Sweeter and sweeter love grows ♪

♪ And heaven's there for tho-o-ose ♪

♪ Who fool the tricks of time ♪

♪ With a heart of love ♪

♪ Divine true love ♪

♪ In a special way ♪

My brother, I know exactly what you're feeling.

I've always loved that song.

I-I just never felt comfortable about expressing myself

until you showed me the way.

Cole, you're stupid.

♪ Over and over again ♪

♪ I try to tell myself ♪

♪ That we ♪ ♪ That we ♪

♪ Could never be more than friends ♪

♪ And all the while inside I knew ♪

♪ You're the one ♪ ♪ Baby ♪

♪ Oh you made me feel ♪

[scatting]

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ The closer I get to you ♪

♪ Ooh baby the more you make me see ♪

Me, too.

♪ Growing closer as sweet as the gravity ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪

[cheering]

What's wrong with that guy?

Oh, he is weird.

Martin is my boyfriend. Didn't he tell you?

That would make sense.

You know, I was talking about Janet from the choir

on his radio show, right.

And he must have thought I was talking about you.

- Oh. - 'Cause he started tripping.

Keith!

Yeah, man.

You may have won round one

but I'mma go the distance, 'cause I love Gina, man.

So, I'll get her back, man

if it takes the rest of my life.

So get used to this face, pretty boy.

'Cause it's gonna haunt your every waking moment.

- What? What'd you say? - Martin!

Listen, I think you guys have a lot to work out.

Hey, Bob, Bob, about those hammer pants..

Martin, could you explain to me why you're making

a complete fool out of yourself tonight?

I don't mind being a fool when I'm a fool for you, Gina.

There's nothing going on between Keith and me.

He was talking about a different girl, not me.

Well, why is he here, baby?

"The closer I get to you."

Martin, he's a friend.

Why are you insecure? Don't you believe me?

Because I found out you and him, he..

He saw your, your birthmark, baby.

Does my past really matter?

Because it has nothing to do with you.

What you should be concerned about

is you and me right now.

But look.. Just tell me one thing, alright?

Um, if anything did happen between you and Keith

and-and I don't wanna know if it did

or if it didn't, but if it did, baby

baby...who-who was better?

You, Martin. You're the best.

Yes! Ha-ha! Yes!

Grandma is.

I knew it, baby.

Oh..

You go, girl.

Ah, baby, I gotta make it up to you, alright?

I got, I did, I did you so wrong.

- And I, I gotta make.. - What?

♪ I got sunshine ♪

♪ On a cloudy day ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ When it's cold outside ♪

♪ I've got the month of May ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ♪

♪ Well ♪

♪ I guess you'd say ♪

♪ What can make me feel this way? ♪

♪ My baby ♪

♪ My baby ♪

♪ His baby ♪

♪ Talkin' about ♪

♪ My girl ♪ ♪ My boy ♪

♪ His girl ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ Nah nah ♪

♪ Yo baby ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

♪ Ow! ♪♪