Original subtitles

[chuckles] I remember the first time I ever told a lie.

I was six years old, right.

We had just come home from church.

And my mother started yelling, "Who wrote Martin

on the living room wall in red crayon?"

I hid the crayon behind my back.

I said, "I think, uh, Martin Luther King did it."

She said, "Think again."

I said, "Dean Martin?"

She said, "What did I tell you about lying?"

And then I thought real hard, and I remembered, I said

"Oh, ma, you a trip.

"When-when the man from the gas company call

"you ain't home.

Now, ma, go to your room until you stop lying."

She put me out.

I love you, ma.

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence yeah ♪

♪ How do y'all feel? ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence yeah ♪

♪ He's so crazy ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence yeah ♪

♪ How do y'all feel? ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Alright, alright. Trust me on this.

Alright, Godzilla's coming down the street

don't look back. Trust me, don't look back.

Aw! I told you don't look back!

He always squashes people that looks back.

Martin, is this your book?

- Yeah, babe. - Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Babe, that's my baseball shirt.

I know.

- Did I do something? - No.

My parents are visiting here on their way home from France

and I don't want them to know that you sleep here.

[chuckles] But I do sleep here.

Not while my father's around, you don't.

Dr. Waters.

Look what I'm doing to your daughter.

And look what your daughter doing to me.

Martin. Martin, stop it.

Martin, stop!

I'm serious.

You don't-you don't know my father.

He can be very intimidating.

What do you mean, babe?

Well, he made my last boyfriend cry

and he was a Muslim.

Damn.

I'm not kidding, Martin. Please be on your best behavior

and please wear a tie.

- He made a Muslim cry? - 'Uh-huh.'

You know what?

I won't just wear no tie. I'll wear a bow tie.

Martin, this is really important to me. I love my father

and I really care about what he thinks.

Babe, I care about what he thinks, too.

You're my future, girl. You know that?

Then, don't worry. Just be yourself

and daddy's gonna love you.

[chuckles] Yeah.

(man on TV) 'He's coming, he's coming!'

'Run for your life, run for your life!'

'Oh, forget it. You haven't got a chance.'

Yo, talk to me Detroit. We're talking in-laws.

Wazzup!

(man on phone) 'Uh, hey. Hey, Mart.'

'This is D, down at the car wash.'

'You know, my woman's father hated me.'

'But my woman stood by me, right to the end.'

'When he tried to run me down with his car, she stood by me.'

'When he tried to poison me with pesticides, she stood by me.'

'When he tried to shoot me with a shotgun, she stood by me.'

Man, what happened?

'Well, I ducked and he shot her by mistake, man.'

'Now, is that loyalty or what?'

Nah, partner. That's stupidity.

Ladies, if you meet a man named D, alright..

...don't stand too close, and please remember to duck.

Yo, this is our last caller. Wazzup!

(woman on phone) 'I don't know why you have a problem with in-laws, Martin.'

'My mother-in-law lives with me, and she tells me'

'how to raise the kids, how to clean the house'

'and how to cook the meals. And we get along just fine.'

Oh, that's sweet. And your husband likes all that?

'No, he left us three years ago.'

Yo, what was your husband's name?

'Roscoe.'

Roscoe, you're a very, very smart guy, yo.

They're a bunch of nags. I'm out.

Yo, this is the insane Martin Payne

saying, see you when I see you. Peace!

Yo, Shawn. Look, man. When I'm on the air

you have to be clear with your hand signals, man.

I don't know if you're telling me to wrap it up

or you choking on a chicken bone.

Well, that only happened once, and that wasn't a chicken bone.

That was a pen cap.

What are you doing eatin' pen caps?

[door closes]

Yo, boss, man, wassup?

You. Shawn. I saw you touching my Cadillac again.

Oh, no, no, I didn't touch your car.

That's right, right. Aye, boss--

Shut up, Martin!

You were putting your clammy hands all over my

- Turtle Wax, weren't you? - No, I wasn't.

Well, maybe I'm hallucinating.

Maybe I'm out of my freakin' mind.

No, no, no!

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll go down there right now

and I'll wash your car.

Okay.

[snickers]

He falls for it every week.

What's wrong with you, Martin?

Last time I looked like that

an ugly woman had told me she was three months late.

I'm a little nervous, man.

I'm meeting Gina's parents tonight.

Oh-h...look, bro, no problem.

Just do what I do when I meet a girl's parents.

Check out the mother

'cause that's what you're gonna be dealing with in 20 years.

And if she is a fat sow with warts

head for the hills while you can.

What if Gina's mother looks great, man?

Then dump Gina and hit on the mother.

Look, Martin, those old women, they are wild, man. Yes, sir.

Look, Martin, I love me some experienced, wide-hip women.

You know what I mean?

And you will, too.

Changed my life.

[instrumental music]

Yo, man, I can't get this.

You want me to go home and get my clip-on?

No.

Martin, what are you so nervous about, man?

These are Gina's parents. They have to be okay.

Her father's, man, this big, famous doctor, man.

He's used to Gina going out with lawyers, doctors, astronauts.

I'm telling you man, he ain't gonna think

I'm good enough for his daughter.

- Yes, he will. - No, he won't.

- Yes, he will. - No, he won't.

I remember what he got on his SATs.

Listen, what is he gonna think, right?

I'm on a radio, I have no college degree.

Yo man, he gonna think I'm a street kid, man.

Yeah, he gonna think you're a nothin', a loser, a bum.

Might as well be living in a box on the corner

with blind Willie and his bald-headed cat.

Yo, man. I don't wanna blow this tonight, man.

First impressions, I mean, mean a lot, Tommy.

Yeah, well, where you having dinner?

- Chez Maurice's. - Ooh, Chez Maurice's.

- Very impressive, man. - 'Thank you.'

Now, um, you brothers know any French?

[speaking in French]

Martin, why you wanna know French, man, huh?

Because the menus are in French, man.

Her father speaks like five languages.

I wanna impress him, man.

Look, Martin. Look, man. Come on.

You don't have to know French to show to him that you're the man.

Yeah, yeah, just do what I do.

Picture her parents naked when you talk to 'em.

What?

Yeah, yeah, you know, you-you picture somebody naked, right

they seem silly. Then you feel more in charge.

Yo, that works?

Sure it does. Man, I do it all the time.

As mom starts yelling about the phone bill.

- Cole. Cole.. - 'Huh?'

You're supposed to picture other folks' parents naked.

Not yours.

Oh, really?

Yo, listen. Don't you see, man?

Look, if Gina's father don't like me

Gina will start seeing me through her father's eyes, man.

And then she'll send me packing.

Martin, just treat the doctor as an equal.

- Everything will be fine. - Oh, look, I'm gonna.

Yo, watch this, I've been reading medical journals, right?

- You know what this is? - Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's-that's how you recognize a transvestite.

See, yeah. That's in the real world.

But in the medical world, this is the Adam's apple.

Martin, don't play that game, man, okay?

You out of your league.

Yeah, you know what? Just-just go with what you know.

Make-make him play your game.

Do your radio thing, you know what I'm saying?

I think I see what you said.

- Be like I am on a radio. - 'Yeah.'

- The wild and crazy me. Yeah. - 'Yeah.'

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Martin, that's a bit much, man.

No, no, Tommy. This could work, man. You know why?

'Cause see, her father see that I'm a man.

Gina will see that I'm a man.

They'll respect me and I'll look large, man.

There you go. That's what I'm saying, take charge.

Yo, show them you're the man.

Yo. Yo. I'm the man.

- Tommy. - Yeah.

- I'm the man. - You the man.

Hey...and that's why we're partners.

Give me love.

[all sigh]

Yeah. Yo, man. This is the insane Martin Payne.

Ha-ha. Takin' charge.

See you when I see you. Peace!

Oh, damn fool don't stand a chance.

[Gina chuckling]

I wish you lived closer, Gina.

I get so worried about you living in this city by yourself.

I'm not alone, mama. I have Martin.

Where is he?

I was always on time when I dated your mother.

He'll be here, daddy. How did your lecture go?

Oh, your father's speech was the highlight

of the whole chiropractic conference.

Interesting. The Europeans are much more open-minded

regarding chiropractic medicine.

Apparently, what's-his-name isn't coming.

- Shall we order? - Eat the bread, Cliff.

Martin isn't late, daddy. I wanted to spend a little time

alone with you to make sure you were nice to him.

I'm always nice.

Oh, here he is. Martin!

Wazzup!

Mama, daddy, this is-this is Martin.

Yo, wassup, man? How you livin'? How you livin', how you live..

Oh. Oh, eh.

- Hello, Martin. - Hey.

We've been looking forward to this for such a long time.

Oh, man. Now, excuse me, but baby, who is this?

You didn't tell me you had a younger sister.

[laughs] Oh.

Oh-h!

- You go, girl. - Oh!

- Martin. - Yeah.

We have heard so much about you.

Yes, we have.

Well, you know, they know me up in here.

Yo, partner, waddup? Call me, man. Call me.

[laughs]

Well, shall we order?

I believe the kitchen is still open.

Cool, I'm hungry.

Would you care to select the wine, Martin?

Me?

You do know your wines, don't you?

I mean, give me that menu. Do I know my wines!

[laughing]

Yo, yo, Pierre. Come, come now.

Yeah, look.

Hook us up with the pas de ci gerenze de pipe.

Hook it up.

You just ordered "No cigars or pipe smoking, please."

[laughs] I knew that. I'm just playing with you.

Let me see what you order, you order somethin'.

We'll have the '82 Rothschild.

Is that alright with you, Martin?

- Did you say '82? - 'Yes, I did.'

Alright, 'cause if you'd said '83

I might've cracked your head with the bottle.

[laughing]

I am so crazy. I should be a comedian, huh?

[laughing]

- Whoo! Look at all these buns. - Ooh.

Do you always smile this much?

Oh, Cliff, leave the boy alone. You're making him nervous.

Hey, hey, now, stop that. I'm not nervous.

I ain't never nervous.

Daddy, dad..

- Daddy, Martin's a DJ. - Yeah.

[coughs]

He-he works very, very hard.

I can imagine.

Playing records must be really exhausting work for an adult.

[chuckling]

Martin is on talk radio, daddy.

- Is that right? - Yeah.

See, the show is actually a platform

to discuss important issues of the day.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hm.

You go, girl.

That's right, Cliffy-Cliff.

Yo, in fact, we had this debate the other day

about quack doctors.

You know, one of them a-a-a faith healers.

Chiropractors.

Ow, babe, that's my leg.

So anyway, what do these Chiropractors do?

I mean, crack-crack...and you're done.

Come on. Look. Let me tell you something.

My grandmother, right, used to crack my back the same way.

Except she used to use the back of a chair.

And guess what? She ain't charged me no $85 either.

I am a chiropractor.

[Gina shrieks]

Martin!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[screaming]

- 'What's wrong with you?' - I'm sorry.

- Stop it! - Get your hands off of my wife!

[clamoring]

I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't..

Oh!

[Gina screaming]

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

What a disaster, huh?

Yep.

You think they noticed?

Martin, you burned my father

you fondled my mother!

I think you blinded the waiter!

They noticed!

Everybody in that restaurant noticed.

You mad?

What were you thinking?

[sighs] Babe, I just wanted to make a good impression.

Why couldn't you just be yourself?

Why must you always go overboard?

Look, Gina. I wanted to impress your father so bad, I blew it.

I wanted him to like me, so you wouldn't leave me.

Is that what you thought, that..

...I would leave you?

Maybe.

Oh, Martin. Baby, come here.

Come here, sweetheart.

[sighing]

Honey, I respect my father.

But it doesn't change the way I feel about you.

I love you.

You do?

Of course I do.

When you're yourself.

[chuckling]

Babe.

I love you.

I love you.

I need you.

I need you, too.

- I want you. - I knew you'd go there.

But that's alright. You goin' with me.

Oh, really?

- You my baby? - I'm your baby.

- You my baby. - I'm your baby.

[moaning]

- Wait. - Hmm?

Let me slip into something a little more sexy.

You go, girl.

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

[laughing] Whoo!

Yo, babe. Just rip that off, girl.

I'm ready now! Haha!

Brother gonna work it out. Ha-ha. Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

[knock on door]

Who's this messin' up my groove?

(Cliff) 'Gina, it's your father.'

Daddy?

Why'd you come in here, Daddy?

Never mind that. You left your keys in the door

in this God-forsaken neighborhood.

Well where's mama?

I don't know, downstairs looking for a parking space.

Where's that boyfriend of yours?

Why?

That soup gave me blisters, you know.

You know, you really got the wrong impression.

Martin is so good to me, daddy.

He's a joker.

He's a loud mouth. He's a fool.

The man is a moron.

I'm an adult and I don't have to justify him to you.

Is that so?

[clattering]

Look at me! Look at me.

I'm in love. Look at me and see my happiness.

Gina, what's the matter with you?

Uh-h-h.

You can't raise a family on happiness.

How far can the two of you get on his jokes and pranks?

Wazzup! And then?

Well, that's my decision.

This is too much. I need a drink.

No, I'll get it. No, no, no.

I can get myself a drink for God's sakes.

Dad. Daddy. Ooh!

Yo, babe.

Yo.

Look, I-I ripped my drawers.

You got any panties I could wear?

What are you wearing?

This is all I could find.

Just go in the other room..

[knock on door]

Gina.

What the hell is going on here?

What's up, doc?

This is the man you're in love with?

Look, look, babe. I'm sorry, I did it again.

Martin, you have nothing, nothing to apologize for.

That's what we get for barging in on you two.

Don't mind Cliff, Martin.

Nobody is good enough for Gina as far as he's concerned.

Let's go, dear.

I just want what's best for my daughter.

Is that so wrong?

I want what's best for Gina, too.

Look, I love her.

Look, I maybe standing here in a trash bag, but I'm not trash.

I am in love with this woman. And someday..

...I'm gonna give her the world.

Or I'll die tryin'...sir.

Martin..

...I think you're a good man.

And you love my daughter.

Most definitely.

And that's all that's important.

Thank you, mama.

Um, M-Ms. W, can I, can I ask you a question?

You-you're not just sayin' it

'cause I was all up on you in the restaurant?

I was just playing. I was just playing with you.

Um...Dr. Waters..

...I'm sorry I insulted your work, man.

We know that, Martin.

Cliff, look, he's standing a little crooked.

Maybe you could help him

with some of your chiropractic skill.

Nadine..

- Go on, Martin. Go on. - No. No.

I mean, I'm cool. I'm straight.

I mean..

Come here, Martin.

I don't want to.

Come here, Martin.

[bones cracking]

[Martin groans]

That felt great.

Call me later.

[instrumental music]

[theme music]