Original subtitles

I remember the first time I fell in love.

She was 5'7"

long flowing hair

big brown eyes

and a perfect figure.

Her name was Miss Trinidad.

Yeah, and she was my first-grade teacher.

I remember how she would come up behind me, right

wrap her arms around me

and show me how to hold my pencil oh, so right.

As her pearls dangled in front of me

I would lean my head back, you know

and listen to the ocean.

Even though she never said it

I knew this woman loved me, too..

...because she wrote this special song

just for me.

♪ A B C D ♪

♪ E F G ♪

♪ H I J K ♪

♪ L M N O P-P-P ♪♪

I love you, Miss Trinidad.

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪

How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪

He's so crazy!

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪

How y'all been?

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence ♪♪

[mumbling]

Damn!

Shoot!

Dang it!

Aah!

You call for a plumber? Your friend let me in.

You were supposed to be here at 8:00. It's 2:30, partner.

2:30? Hey, that's my lunchtime.

Yo, partner, look, look.

Can you say what's wrong with my toilet, please?

For starters, you've got a book stuck in there.

I just dropped the book in there, alright.

In that case, you don't need me, you need a librarian.

[mimicking laugh]

- 'Come on.' - I'm sorry.

That's just a little plumbers humor, that's all.

Look, I'm late for work.

Can you please tell me what's wrong with my toilet?

Well, that depends.

You could have a bad trip lever

you could have a bad supply valve

or you could have a bad float ball.

What are you talking, "float ball", man?

The problem's not the tank, it's the pipes.

In that case you could have something in your fixture drain

something in your waste pipe, or something in your waste stat.

Which will cost you.

It may cost you a little it may cost you a lot..

...but it will cost you.

You were supposed to be here two days ago.

Now, look, I'm going to a game at 6:30.

Can you get this be fixed by then?

Depends if I need a part.

Oh.

Depends if I have to go to the store.

Depends if the store is open.

Yo, Cole, man. Keep an eye on the plumber

until I get home from work.

Yo, man, I don't trust him.

Yo, Martin, you don't get home till 6:30.

So?

I ain't sitting here till 6:30.

See, mom's got paid today.

She'll be out shopping all day.

Got the place to myself, know what I mean?

Nah.

I can play my records on the good stereo, you know?

Aw, that's-that's beautiful.

You don't want to go to the Piston game with me?

It's opening night. I got front row seats.

Okay, okay.

I'm staying, but what if I've got to go to the bathroom?

Yo, man, I told you to go to the bathroom

before you came over here, man.

You knew my toilet was stopped up, Cole.

Yeah, I did, Martin, but I had a 42-ounce slurpee.

Alright, but if you've got to go

go next door to Sheneneh's.

Yo, keep an eye on the plumber, man.

- Alright, man. - Please.

Shh..

Hey, I'm glad that guy finally left.

Whoa! You got cable, huh?

Ahh..

Excuse me.

Yo, boy!

The Pistons are going to bust the Clippers up tonight.

Yo, fat boy fix my toilet?

I don't know.

What do you mean? What's he doing?

He ain't doing much of nothing, Martin.

I'm going to kill him, you hear?

Too late.

I think he's already dead.

Yo, mister?

Oh, my goodness. Yo, man, what happened?

I don't know, man.

I came in here a half hour ago, and he was dead.

Did you call 9-1-1, Cole?

9-1-1, are you kidding me?

A dead white man in a black man's apartment?

Man, they be blaming me, alright.

Yeah, then they be hauling me off to jail.

Next thing you know, I'm on trial in Simi Valley California.

Cole, how do you know he's dead, man?

Did you check his pulse?

I ain't touching a dead man, Martin.

Cole, this man could still be alive, alright.

Give me a hand.

[whining]

Hey, give me a hand!

Come on. Come on, mister.

Oh, mister, what happened?

Oh, um, um, um, um, um, um, um.

Uh, uh, uh, uh..

Alright. Alright.

Um...um.. alright, here.

- Ready? - Yeah.

Clear! Hiya!

Do it again, do it again, man.

Oh, man.

Um...okay, okay, okay, um..

Here. Mouth to mouth. Mouth to mouth.

Mouth to mouth!

Excuse me, but I ain't kissing no man.

Think about who you be kissing if you was in that jail cell.

Come on! Cole!

Alright, the Heimlich.

- Come on. Come on. - Okay. Yeah.

Alright, um..

Help me with him. Watch his head, alright.

Come on, mister. Aw, mister.

Come on. Aah! Aah!

Oh, god, he's heavy.

[whining]

Calm down.

Stop it.

You a man. You hear me? You a man.

Stop it.

'Alright?'

Okay alright, here we go. Ready?

On the count of three, okay?

One, two, three!

What was that?

It's Juicy Fruit. I gave it to him.

He choked on it. I killed him, Martin!

They're going to get me to jail for this.

Man, I called 9-1-1 half an hour ago. Where are they?

I killed a man, Martin.

Mama going to lay the belt to me

when she find out about this one.

Yo, stop it, alright. You didn't kill nobody. Stop it.

[knock on door]

Well, it's about time.

Where y'all been?

Well, the game don't start for half an hour.

Wha.. what? What's happening?

We got a problem in the bathroom, Tommy.

Don't tell me, the plumber never came, huh?

Oh, he came, Tommy.

He came and went, man.

Then who's that fat guy sleeping on the floor?

It's the plumber, Tommy. He's dead.

Dead? How did he die?

I don't know, man. I think like this.

[knock on door]

Relax, it's the door.

Alright, listen.

Listen, listen, alright?

That's probably Gina and Pam.

You know how women get about this kind of thing.

[whining]

- Cole, handle it! - Will you relax.

Hey, baby.

Hi, honey.

Hey, guys, sorry we're late.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Martin, what's wrong?

I don't know how to tell you this.

You remember your Aunt Louise

the one that had that little mole?

Ugh! It was all over her chin it was ugly.

Martin, she didn't die, did she?

You mean she's still alive?

Damn!

What about your bald-headed Aunt Sarah?

I know she's dead. She been bald-head a long time.

What are you talking about?

The bald-headed aunt--

Oh, my God! Gina!

Why did you let her go in there?

[Gina screaming]

Okay, alright. Okay,

Martin, there's a dead man in your bathroom.

Babe, calm down, alright.

Breathe. Breathe. Come on, breathe.

It's okay.

What happened?

Remember I was having trouble with the toilet?

Yeah, but, baby, I didn't think it was that bad.

This is so awful.

I feel so bad for that poor man.

Does this mean we're not going to the Pistons game?

Martin, call 9-1-1.

Babe, I called them a half an hour ago.

They said, if there's no crime, there's no rush.

Then steal his wallet and call them back.

(man on radio) 'With a Isiah Thomas 3-pointer at the buzzer'

'the Pistons go to half time'

'tied with the Clippers at 62 apiece.'

'This could be the seasons greatest game.'

Okay, we've been sitting here for two hours.

Is there anybody else can we call anybody else?

Who, Pam? Who?

We called 9-1-1

we call the fire department, the police department.

We even called Billy with the pickup truck.

And they all say, the same thing

"Stay with the body till 9-1-1 comes."

What is 9-1-1's problem?

Yo, you know what, I think I know their problem.

9-1-1's a joke. I know what's up.

I know how to get them over here.

- Good. - Watch this.

Hi. How are you doing?

Well, look here.

This is Thurston O'Reilly III. Yeah.

Boy, I got to tell you, what a sad day.

Honey, bring me a Martini. Come on.

Listen, I wish to report the death of one of my employees

on East 23rd street.

No, I'm a white man. I tell you the truth. I'm a white man.

Nothing makes my day more bright

than waking up white, I gotta tell you.

Yeah, well, I mean, I can prove it.

Ask me anything.

Okay, fine.

They want to know what America's favorite pie is.

Sweet potato pie. Sweet potato pie.

No, no, no, bean pie go with, bean pie.

No, no, it's apple pie. Baby, say apple pie.

- Good answer. - Good answer.

Apple pie. Good answer.

We're going to go with apple pie.

Got it!

I knew it was apple pie.

Alright, here we go.

Huh? Okay.

Name two Barry Manilow songs.

- Barry Manilow? - What?

"Copacabana" and "Mandy."

"Copacabana" and "Mandy."

Got it!

Good answer!

Woo! Woo!

Come on, bring it on.

Alright, um, alright.

What do you put on a sandwich?

Hot sauce.

Yeah, yeah

and some barbecue sauce if it's a hot links--

Hello? Hello?

[imitates buzzer sound]

Way to go. Now, what do we do now?

(man on radio) 'And the Pistons win'

'in a record-breaking triple overtime, 150-149'

'on an Isiah Thomas jump shot.'

'I gotta tell you, Bill, I feel for those fans'

'who left those five front row seats empty.'

Watch his head, y'all.

What do you mean, "Watch his head?" He's dead.

[groans] Can we rest, please?

- Just a little farther. - I need to step. No.

[thuds] No, not yet.

Alright, okay, now, listen up.

We're going to take him downstairs

lay him on the curb

I'll pour scotch in his mouth, call a cab

and tell him my Uncle Charlie on the curb drunk.

That's a good plan.

Martin, I can't do this.

Baby, listen call a cab, alright?

No.

Okay, alright, fine.

- Plan B.. - Plan B.

We kick him down the steps.

Turn him around.

Wait a minute! Where's your humanity?

This mad has died and you're treating him like trash.

Gina, what are we supposed to do lower him on a rope?

That's a great one, Cole, then we treat him like a piano.

Stop. This is a human being.

I don't care how desperate we are, to get rid of this body.

We're treating him with some respect.

So, let's put him on the couch

and say some words of remembrance, alright?

Yeah, yeah.

What's wrong with y'all, man

talking about the lower on the rope and the piano?

Because this man's a human being, ain't he?

And-and that's what everybody likes.

Excuse me. Can I go to the bathroom?

Cole, it will only take a second, alright.

You're right, um..

Here, do it this way. Tommy, pull this.

- Okay, okay. - Don't..

- Cole, you roll him up. - Roll him up?

Come on, man.

On the count of three. Lift up the couch.

One, two, three. Ooh.

- Get up. - Come on.

Can you get his feet? Cole, get his arm.

- Get this.. - Bring him around. Move.

- Oh. Cole! - Will you get up, silly.

- Take this. - Bring him around.

Lift him up. Go!

Alright, here we go.

Alright, let's do this right, okay?

Pam, Pam, go get his tools.

Yeah.

Alright, uh..

Does he have a wallet? We should know his name.

No, I already checked.

Cole, what are you..

Well, let's give him a name.

He looks like a Michael.

No, I think, he looks like a Jimmy.

Yo, D.P.

- 'That's a good one.' - 'That's good.'

D.P? That's so nice. Where did you come up with that?

Dead Plumber, baby.

Nice touch, Pam.

Alright, Martin, say a few words, honey, okay?

Alright.

So, everybody get here on the heart

because it's coming from here.

Place the hand..

Aright.

A man was born.

He laid pipe..

...and died.

Whew! Amen.

Forget it, Martin.

Tommy, could you say a few words, please?

Okay, let's see.

Brothers and sisters..

we are gathered here today..

Yeah.

To pay tribute to D.P.

Uh-huh.

We don't know if he was a good man, huh?

I said we don't know if he was a bad man.

Right.

See, all we know here, he was a man.

- Yeah. - Well.

A ham sandwich-eating man.

- Uh-huh. - Uh-huh.

A no appointment-keeping man.

(Cole) 'Go ahead!'

A low-pants-riding..

♪ Low pants riding ♪

He's a t-shirt creeping..

♪ Creep creep ♪

Say it four times.

♪ Creep creep creep creep ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ hey ♪

I said he was a butt-crack-showing..

- Butt. - Butt.

♪ You you ♪

♪ You you ♪♪

You don't hear me.

Well, now, goodbye, brother D.P.

We wish you well on your journey

Because we know the good Lord has called you home.

He must have some toilets stopped-up up there.

Let us all say..

Amen.

- Amen. - Amen.

It's alright, brother. It's alright.

♪ I get weary ♪

♪ And sick of tryin' ♪

♪ I'm tired of livin' ♪

♪ But I'm scared of dyin' ♪

♪ But ol' man river ♪

♪ He just keeps rolling a.. ♪

♪ Ah-hoo ♪

♪ Ooh-haa ♪

♪ Long ♪♪

Okay, let's just, um, have a few moments of silence.

[coughing]

[all screaming]

[coughing]

Yeah, ha ha ha! It's a miracle.

It's a miracle.

Nah, it's a stupor.

A what?

A stupor.

I have this condition that I fall into stupors.

It's hell waking me up.

But we checked for a pulse, and everything, man.

Hey, I'm fat.

Sometimes it's hard to find.

Thank God you're alive.

Yeah, well thanks for putting me on the couch.

Last time this happened

somebody had kicked me down the stairs

put me on the curb, poured scotch down my mouth.

Damn.

Well, anyways, I fixed your toilet.

I'll send you a bill.

Just remember, it'll cost you.

It may cost you a little, it may cost you a lot

but it will cost you.

Yo..

this has been the weirdest night.

Yeah, but, Tommy, you preached.

Thank you, baby.

Yo.

As weird as tonight was, it made me feel good.

We all sang and came together

and we were compassionate for our fellow man.

That's the way we should always act, towards one an other.

You know what I am sayin'.

Because life is so short.

Mm-hmm.

But it seems so long..

we you got to go to the bathroom.

[theme music]

[theme music]