Original subtitles

I remember my first practical joke.

It was on my cousin, Ken.

He was outside playing basket ball.

So I figured right, I'd go to the refrigerator

get a bottle of soda

pour some dish washer liquid in it

you know, play that joke on him.

I could see him come in the house, take a sip of that and go

"Hey, Martin. This is not soda. Good one. Good one."

Sure enough, 15 minutes later, he comes running into the house.

He went for that soda, at least he thought it was soda.

"Blah! Yo, man!" I see him chuckle like a maniac.

He beat me like he didn't know me.

As he punched and he laughed and he punched and he laughed.

And he punched and he laughed.

This is when I realized I had the gift to make people laugh.

Thank you, Ken. Thank you.

[theme song]

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence yeah ♪

♪ How y'all been? ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence yeah ♪

♪ He's so crazy ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Lawrence yeah ♪

♪ How y'all been? ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[laughter] So then you're not gonna believe

what Pam said.

"Aside from him borrowing $400

it sounded like a pretty good date, don't you think?"

[mumbling]

I know, Martin. That's exactly what I thought.

[mumbling]

Martin, I know, but you can't tell Pam anything.

Shoot, you know?

Baby, what's the weather going to be like today?

[mumbling]

Well, then where are my glasses?

[mumbling]

Oh, girl, communication is the key. Ain't it?

[knock on door]

Ho!

I been here.

- Whazzup? - What up?

What's going on? Gina.

Uh, remember that new jacket you just got?

Can I borrow it? I'm going out tonight.

No! You know why, because always borrow stuff of mine

you never return it. Where's my CD player?

I'll get it back to you, alright. My mom's got it.

She's holding it till I pay my rent.

Tell your mama give me my CD player. That's not hers.

- Where you going tonight, Cole? - I'm going to the Savoy club.

Heard of that place. That sounds like fun.

I'm telling you. They got the hotties with the bodies.

- Why don't you guys come? - We'd love to.

But we're having dinner with Tommy and Danice tonight.

Yeah, and I already got my little hottie

with her body, girl.

The Savoy club, that's where Tommy and Danice met, right?

Isn't it sweet Tommy's in love?

No. Okay. The girl's a bad influence.

[sighs] You've never even met her, Cole.

He's not lying.

I'm telling you Tommy's lunching.

This girl has his mind twisted.

The boy just be walking down the street.

For no reason, eeh, smiling.

Eeh. Smiling. I'm telling you.

You think she's a voodoo priestess?

I do, and I bet you she smell like a chicken.

You know, you guys can make fun if you want to.

Tommy's in love. And I think it's romantic.

Hey. Yo, man. This ain't about romance.

Don't funk this up tonight

with that cheap cologne you be wearing.

Man, don't even worry about it, alright.

Listen, I'll bring it back tonight, alright.

Or tomorrow, if I get lucky. Ha ha!

See you tonight!

[instrumental music]

Mmh.

Ooh, girl, what is smelling all good up in your house, huh?

Martin, you're late. Tommy will be here any minute.

- Yeah. - Where are the flowers?

Ah..

Martin, you can't remember anything.

Who are you?

Look, knock it off, okay? You know you forget the flowers.

But you remember every pistons score since 1975.

I bet you if Isiah Thomas had asked

you would've remembered.

Well, it depends on what Isiah was wearing when he asked.

I mean if he looked like you, and he was going bla-ah

he getting whatever he want, baby.

[knock on door]

Oh, baby, that's Tommy and them. Remember what I was telling you?

Watch how he act. Watch, watch!

- Predicting! - Oh.

- Ticket! - Hi.

- Hey! - Good to see you again, man.

Well, this is the woman I've been telling you about.

Martin and Gina, this is Danice.

My Danice.

Alright, there Danice. How you doing?

- Glad to meet you. - This is a lovely apartment.

Oh, thank you. It would look better with some flowers.

Oh, Thomas, we should've brought the flowers

you gave me. He got me the most beautiful orchids.

- Wild orchids. - Oh, Thomas.

Hey, look, let me get your jacket, honey.

- That's a gorgeous dress. - Thank you.

Yes. Everything looks great on Danice.

Don't you just love her hair? She's wearing it a new way.

Although last night it looked great, too.

You see we went out to the baseline club.

She had it all whipped up.

Everybody was checking her out.

Well then, you and Gina have something in common.

'Cause everybody checks out my baby, too, don't they, girl?

Yeah. Just last night, me and Gina was in the supermarket

and she had her dress stuck into her pantyhose

and everybody was looking. That's right.

Everybody was looking and pointing

going, "Look at the pantyhose."

- Martin. - I'm just playing with you.

Why don't we just sit down and have some hors d'oeuvres?

Yeah. Why are we all up in here?

Let's sit down and breathe.

Let each other just breathe, you know.

Let's just get away for a minute.

Let's just..

- How about some wine? - Yeah, okay.

Well, then hook it up. Get four glasses, get some chips.

Hook it up!

Oh, you want me.. Oh, I'll get the wine.

Ooh, this looks delicious.

Lookie here. Alright.

Here we go. Put them glasses there.

That down there, baby.

Mmm.

Uh, so-so, D-Danice, Tommy tells us you're a model.

Thomas. You know I work in a clothing store.

I know, but, baby, when you wear those clothes

you look like a model.

Thomas, you're crazy.

Can you believe how sweet he is?

No!

You are the sweet one, angel.

Oh, Thomas.

Oohh! Blecchh!

Gina, that dinner was just wonderful.

For real, baby. Dee-licious!

That was good.

Thanks. I'm sorry you guys can't stay longer.

Maybe next time, huh?

Look we're about to go the Savoy club, you guys wanna come.

Oh, yeah. That spot is live. We can get wild there.

Martin, you want to go?

No, baby, we can get wild here. Me and you!

Yeah, well, you don't know what you'll be missing.

- Thank you very much. - Gina, thanks for dinner.

Yo, man, don't you think you got enough kisses?

Martin...peace!

Thomas.

Oh, I'm right behind you, angel.

Right behind you.

Look! Oh, my goodness!

Oh! Oh, my!

Did you see how Tommy.. Ooh, excuse me..

Thomas was acting? Oh, my. Oh, man.

Martin, why couldn't we go to the club?

Babe, why you want to go to the club for. Look..

We got to get dressed, go to the club, and come back here.

Why do that when we already here. We chillin'.

No. You never rub my neck.

- Oh, you want your neck-- - Yeah.

Babe. I mean she really got my man's mind.

You know what I'm saying? It hurts me to see him like that.

Ow, Martin! You're hurting me.

Oh, I'm sorry, baby. I forgot you were there.

I mean, you know, I'm saying, he's just all so, "Ohh!"

"No! You are the sweet one." I mean, it's just--

Martin, stop it. He really likes her.

Well, if he really likes her, why's he taking her to the club?

I never understood why a brother takes their lady to a club.

That's like going out for hot dogs

when you got steakums at home.

You know, you used to do it. It's fun.

It's exciting. It's romantic.

I'm romantic. You know that.

'Cause don't we get busy every day?

I'm not talking about that, Martin.

You know, we never do anything exciting, like go out.

Oh, okay, so that's it.

You want me to be like Romeo. Come on.

Babe, you know that ain't me. I got my own thing.

I just thought that it would be fun

to do something different, like go out

like Tommy and Danice.

You want to go to... maybe the hip-hop club

or the rock-your-butt club? You wanna do that?

No, no. Let's go to your favorite, baby.

The price club.

- You forgot one, Martin. - Oh, yeah?

Yeah. The man-who-sleeps- all-by-himself club.

Well, you just make sure I get in free.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

You know, romance doesn't make sense to me though.

Think about it, it was started by this little white boy cupid

who came flying out of the closet

with an arrow and no drawers on

shooting people in the ass.

Because of this lil' white midget, I got to

buy flowers and candy, and take my girl out dancing.

It don't make sense. I don't know. Talk to me, Detroit.

What up?

(male #1) 'Hey, Martin, um, um, what's the difference'

'between cupid and the New Year's Eve baby?'

[chuckles] Shut up. Next caller. What up?

(female #1) 'Martin, I think you're afraid.'

'I mean, it takes a real strong man to show his soft side.'

[laughs] Alright. Well, kiss my soft side. Next caller.

- What up? - 'Martin.'

(female #2) 'I don't think your problem is romance.'

'It sounds to me like you're not really in love.'

Hey, hey, hey. Don't talk like that.

I'm in love. I love my baby.

'Well, do you compliment her, do you bring her flowers'

'do you take her out?'

Hey, hey, hey! No, no. This is my show.

I ask the questions here. Alright! Do your feet stink?

I'm sure they do. Next caller. What up?

(female #3) 'You know, Martin, if you really love your girl'

'what's the big deal to do something special'

'for her once in a while?'

'I had a man just like you'

'and I kept asking him for a little romance.'

'Took me a while, but I finally got it'

'from someone else.'

Girl, please, he probably didn't like you anyway.

So, I got to move on to a commercial.

Boom, today's sponsor is shiny tiny's barbecue.

Their motto is "You need no teeth to eat my beef."

♪ Come down to Shiny Tiny's don't leave grandma at home ♪

♪ meat's so soft and tender she can suck it♪

♪ Off the bone Shiny Tiny's barbecue ♪♪

My baby ain't goin' nowhere

'cause she know her man knows how to romance.

That's right.

Babe, yo, look here.

I was wondering what you were doing tonight.

Uh, how about me and you go to the Savoy club

and get our dance thing and romance thing on tonight, girl?

It's me. Martin.

[instrumental music]

Oh, Martin, I'm so excited! I can't believe we're really here.

They gonna be sorry they made me wait in line.

They know, they know me up in here.

Listen, have my car out front by 10:00.

It's the red Porsche.

The red one.

Yo, man, if you wasn't black

I'd think you was racist.

Why a black man got to be a valet?

It's okay, baby. It's okay.

That's alright. We got us a Porsche now.

We just got to leave at 10:00.

Look at you lookin' all good.

Let's do our romance.

Ohh! Whoa! Whoa!

Babe, where's the rest of your dress?

Martin, stop it. You used to love this dress.

Yeah, babe, that's when I was tryin' to find out

what's under it. Now I know.

Do everybody else got to know?

- Martin! - Alright, alright. Cool.

I was just saying, they're all over my baby.

You know what I'm saying. Cool.

You have a problem, fellas? Got a problem?

Okay, better keep your eyes on your drinks.

Don't start nothing, there won't be nothing.

- You're crazy. - You know, crazy for my baby.

Looking all good. Yes, it is.

This is fun though. This is nice.

What's up, now? Hey, I'm chillin'.

Whoo! Girl, I'm glad we got out.

I mean, you know I'm romantic, don't you?

Am I romantic?

Hey, Martin, what's up? Gina, what's up, girl?

What's going on? What you two doing here?

We were trying to do the romance thing, Cole

me and my baby. You know?

Yeah, man, I'm with that. You know, what I'm saying?

I'm with that. This is a very romantic place.

- Very romantic. - Yeah.

Hey, you see those girls over there?

'Can't keep their eyes of me, you know?'

Now, see, Gina, you're a woman, right?

Now, help me out.

Should I buy them a drink

or just be direct and grab their butts?

You're trying to be romantic, Cole?

- Uh-huh. - Grab their butts.

Yup. Real hard.

That's what I thought. Yo, check you out.

Rock it!

Girl, now, back to my baby.

So, anyway, I'm thinking--

Yeah, is there anybody sitting here?

Yeah, partner, you know we just, you know, me and my lady

just out for an evening on the romance thing.

So, anyway, I really wanted to know--

Uh, yeah, but there's no place else to sit.

You mind if I join y'all?

Partner, I don't mean no disrespect, man

I really don't, you know.

But I'm trying to chill here, alright, with my lady

and do our romance thing. You should understand that.

Excuse me.

Well, can I leave my drink here so I can dance?

Yo partner, put the drink down, man.

Martin, can I have a drink?

Pick one, baby!

- Martin! - I'm sorry, babe.

We here to do the romance thing, alright.

You can have anything you want, you hear me.

Look at you. Looking all good girl.

I'm scared to leave you. You know that, right?

You gold, girl!

Bye.

Yo.

♪ Uh-uh ♪

♪ Uh-uh-uh ♪

♪ Uh-uh ♪

♪ Jerome's in the house ♪

♪ I said Jerome's in the h-h-house ♪♪

Yeah, I'm in the house. What up, man? Where's my dollar?

Give me my money or else all hell will break loose.

You know what I'm saying? You know I don't play.

What's up, glitter-butt?

What's your problem? You can't call nobody?

Girl, my probation thing's going to be alright.

You just lost the best thing that ever happened to you...

Cause I'm moving down the yellow brick road

to my destiny of love!

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me.

Haven't we met here somewhere before?

- No. - The name is Jerome.

But you can call me J.J.

because everything is dy-no-mite!

You hear? Wait a minute.

Something just click, click, click.

There it is.

I know your name.

Your name must be candy

because you look so sweet.

Give me a bite of that candy.

Wait. Hold now. My boyfriend is right over there, okay.

And I don't think he would appreciate you coming on to me

with those tired, weak, 1975 superfly lines. Thank you.

You talking about the little big-headed guy over there?

Let me tell you something.

If you want to get with a winner

you got to drop that chicken dinner

you hear?

You got to rid of your friend, though

if you want to ride in the Benz-o.

Now what you got to say?

Give it to me. Give it to me, now.

- You're a rhyming man, huh? - Ah!

- Yeah. You're a poet. - And you know it.

- Well, I got one for you. - Give it to me.

If you don't like mace, get out of my face.

I didn't like you anyway.

I was just trying to help you out.

Oh, stop the press!

This has got to be jelly

because jam don't shake like that, do it?

Come here, girl!

Yo, babe, was that brother bothering you?

No, Martin, I handled it. It's okay.

- You sure? - Mm.

'Cause you know your man will take care of it.

I know, baby.

[gasps]

- Uh-uh. See? That's it. - No, no, no.

- No, baby. - Martin!

The boy didn't say excuse me.

Please, please, Martin. Please don't, please? Please?

But you know, back in my day--

- I know. - Alright, okay.

Alright, okay. Alright, alright. Fine.

We-we, look.. What are we trippin' on?

We here to do the romance thing.

Let's go, girl, let's get our dance on.

- Okay. - Yeah. Let's-let's do it.

Come on out here. Alright. Excuse me.

Excuse me there. Alright. Excuse me.

Let me and my lady through here.

Yo, babe! Babe!

- Martin! - Gina!

- Martin! Mart! - Gina!

I'm over here!

- Martin! - Gina!

- Martin! - Gina!

Hey! Excuse me.

- Martin, come here, please. - 'Alright, excuse me.'

- Come here. - What? Babe.

I'm trying to be romantic.

Baby, thank you for trying.

You know what, you proved it. You are romantic.

- Am I? - Yes. You are romantic.

'Cause you know, your man'd even do the Cabbage Patch for you.

No, don't! Don't do the Cabbage Patch! Don't!

Martin, Martin! Martin!

Oh! I love you for trying. Thank you.

Come on. Let's get out of here!

I thought you'd never ask, girl.

Whoo! Alright! Ah!

- Yo. - Hey, hey, how you doing, man?

Yo. Oh, here's your jacket. Thanks. It worked like a charm.

Tommy, where you been hiding at, man?

Tommy, where's Danice?

Didn't work out.

I guess I didn't know her as well as I thought I did.

[instrumental music]

Oh, babe, see this is why I don't like letting

nobody borrow my stuff.. Look.

This jacket got Cole's whole evening over it, babe.

This is where a girl must have thrown a drink in his face.

Look, right here, look, look at that..

You know some brother snatched him all up on the neck

for talking to his girl.

Yo, what are these holes?

Ooh, it looks like somebody tried to stab him with a fork.

Babe, you should've never told Cole

to grab that girl's butt.

Forget about Cole. What about poor Tommy?

Oh, oh, he went out!

Oh, I'm hurting for him, babe.

- He was in love. - That was not love, Martin.

- That was lust. - Damn.

You say that like it's bad.

I lust for you sometimes.

Yeah, but, you know, it's not enough.

If there's no love behind it then

you end up all alone like Tommy.

Well, I guess what we got is special, huh?

It's what everybody in that club was looking for.

[mumbling]

Martin, when you're right, you're right.

[mumbling]

Ooh, you are so nasty.

I love it when you talk sexy. Ooh.

[laughing]

[theme music]