Original subtitles

Margaret, I'm down to my last bite of lunch.

Where the hell's my dinner?

Coming, Mom.

I'm just trying to add some fruit

to make sure you have a balanced diet.

Well, make it quick. My stomach is starting to growl.

Hey, Bud, hurry up with that beer.

I don't think the foundation can hold

another one of Grandma's belly quakes.

Ah, she'll calm down soon.

I put some Valium in with the mixed nuts.

Hey, Grandma, pull it up on the count of three. Okay?

One, two... Hey, Grandma, hey!

Hey, kid, get off my ham.

Bud, if you wanna get from Grandma's room to the basement,

you should probably use the stairs.

Hey, Peg.

You know what I was dreaming about at work today?

Me, Al?

Yes, Peg.

Was I in bed?

Yes, you were.

In fact, I tied you up.

Oh, well, that sounds so kinky, Al.

What were you doing?

Cindy Crawford.

Hey, Peg, where's my beer?

Maybe Cindy drank it.

Hey!

Recycle those, please.

Isn't that great, Al? She's trying to save the earth.

She is the earth, Peg.

Me and the floorboards can't take any more of her.

Al, why are you so negative about my mom?

I love her, and the kids are thrilled that she's around.

Dad, we hate Grandma.

She must go.

That's it. I'm calling a family meeting.

All in favour of getting rid of Grandma raise your hands.

All opposed.

It's unanimous, she goes.

Have a heart, Al.

If it wasn't for Mom, I wouldn't even be alive.

Look, the only way

that you are getting my mother out of this house

is if my daddy comes and takes her home to Wanker.

Peg, I've asked that idiot a million times

to come take her back.

He won't listen to me.

Well, of course he won't.

Wanker elders live by a very strict code.

"Marry fat, marry family"?

No, Al. The code is:

"Only listen to someone who is as much man as you are."

So if you want Mom out of this house,

you are gonna have to find a way to prove yourself to my dad.

Hey, wait, wait. I got an idea.

Now, what does Grandpa love to do more than anything?

Stand by the roadside and flash cars?

No, besides that. Go hunting.

Bud, will you come on? You're slowing us down.

Think you could help me out here a little bit?

All right. Let me lighten your load.

Ungh. This trail mix here, now this is good stuff. Mm.

You want some, Ephraim? No, no, no.

I always hunt on an empty stomach.

That way the alcohol hits you harder.

Well, what are we hunting today, Ephraim?

Opossum? Squirrel?

Some other one of your relatives?

No, Mr. Can't-Blow-His-Nose- Without-A-Kleenex,

we are hunting bear.

Bear?

Well, call me stupid, but why are we hunting bear?

Well, stupid,

just asking them to kill themselves

doesn't seem to be working.

Dad, this is nuts.

Isn't there a nudie bar around Wanker

we could take him to prove we're men?

Son, there is,

but Wanker strippers are scarier than anything in these woods.

Now, listen, son. I was raised on the mean streets of Chicago.

Nothing scares me.

In the darkest realm of night,

I've stared right in the face of hell

and I've said, "Peg, can't you get some sleep?"

So nothing scares me, boy.

You're right, Dad. You're right.

Let's go bag us a bear.

Let's show this country codger what city smarts are all about.

Oh-ho, I wouldn't venture in there if I was you, boys.

Chill out, grandpa, and make us a fire.

We're bringing home some dinner.

Judging from the way those branches are broken,

I'd say the bear is a...

My God, we're gonna die! - A bear! A bear!

I can't believe that worthless geezer

left us here on our own.

Well, to be fair, he left us a map.

Unfortunately, it's a map of Epcot Center.

The important thing here, son, is to get some rest.

First light, we'll find the car,

we'll hit the road, track grandpa down

and turn him into roadkill.

Good night, son.

Good night, Pop.

Jeez, it's lumpier than sleeping with your mother.

How come you're so comfortable, Bud?

Well, 'cause I, uh, brought an air mattress with me.

Dad.

I know we're city tough,

and as an extra precaution you hung your socks from the branch,

but in case that bear does come back,

I just want you to know

I love you, man.

You're not getting my beer, Bud.

Now, try and get some sleep.

I'd sleep a lot better if I knew a little more about these woods.

Well, what's there to know?

You hid all the food from the bears

in your sleeping bag, didn't you?

Yeah, just like you told me.

Fine. Then everything will be all right.

Good night, son.

Good night.

What's that? Just an owl. Good night.

That's cool.

Just, uh, crickets, right?

That's right, nighty-night.

Good night.

Leave us alone!

Dad, I hit something.

I hit something.

It's a... It's a bear! It's a bear!

It's a bear! It's a big bear!

It's dead. I killed a bear!

Son, do you realize what this means?

This is an opportunity for us to show grandpa that we're men.

See, we track him down, we show him the bear.

Then he's gotta take Jabba the Hutt

back to that Star Wars bar where she belongs.

Aw, son, what are you doing with that?

♪ Daniel Boone was a man ♪

♪ He was a big man ♪

Are we not men? We are manly men.

I can't wait to show grandpa what we got.

Aw, he's never gonna believe we actually killed a bear.

♪ Grandma Wanker was a woman ♪

♪ She was a big woman ♪

♪ With the breath of a wino And chins of a rhino was she ♪

Daddy is gonna be so happy we got him all this beer.

But I don't understand why it cost 50 bucks.

Well, it was $20 for the beer,

then there was the $30 that I tipped the clerk for carding me.

Hey, Mom, do you think Dad's gonna be successful

in getting Grandma and Grandpa back together?

Gee, I hope so. They used to be so happy.

I mean, look. Here's a picture of grandpa on a seesaw.

Now, here's one of grandma getting on the seesaw.

Oh, and here's grandpa flying over the power lines.

Oh, look, their wedding photos. Yeah.

There's grandma taking

the first bite of the wedding cake,

which also happened to be the last bite of the cake.

Mom, do you think that will ever happen to me?

What? Getting married?

No. Gaining 700 pounds.

♪ Daniel Boone was a man ♪

♪ He was a big man ♪

Look what we got.

Wow, cool, a wheelbarrow.

Oh, Daddy. Al did it.

He convinced you he was a man. Yes, sir.

He proved to me that he can tame wild animals

better than Siegfried and Roy put together.

Which is a picture I'm trying to get out of my head right now.

Peg, I killed him with these bare hands.

Oh, Al. Ha-ha-ha.

I always knew that your feet were lethal, but I had no idea.

Peg, Peg, please, I've been in the woods. I'm dirty enough.

Besides, Ephraim and I had a little discussion,

and he's decided to do something.

Margaret, I have come to pick up my darling baby bride.

Oh, Daddy, you really do miss her, don't you?

I do.

I wouldn't wanna see her in a bikini again,

but I do miss her.

Yeah, that's why I've come

to hang a wide-load banner on her backside

and ride her on home.

Guys, we better get her packed before Grandpa changes his mind.

Ephy, darling. Is that you?

Yeah, mama. I'm coming to free Willy.

Live bear.

Big live bear.

I'd bark real loud and alert the family,

but since I haven't been fed in weeks, the hell with them.

Bye, bye, bear.

I guess that's the last of the luggage.

I got the Fudgsicles here.

I got the Klondike bars.

I got the Eskimo Pies.

Well, I can hardly wait to get the... little woman home.

Yeah, you better leave before her luggage melts.

Don't worry, she'll have this scarfed down

before we get to the end of the driveway.

Oh, Al, uh, have you noticed something?

Hm?

Big hairy animal.

Oh, darn, Bud. Thank you.

Peg, you got your hair done. It looks nice.

The bear is gone, Daniel Goon.

Wait a minute, maybe Mr. He-Man didn't kill that bear after all.

Maybe he was just hibernating.

I know the difference between hibernating and dead.

That bear was dead.

My wife is hibernating.

Hey, Marcy,

did you see some guy dragging off my dead bear?

He's not dead, you chucklehead.

He just violated my Mercedes.

How do you know?

Because we were in it.

Marcy, are you okay? Oh, I'm all right.

A little in shock and a little jealous.

Jealous?

Well, you should have seen him go and go and go and go.

Oh, my God, if a car could smile.

One thing I know for sure.

Tonight, Jefferson,

we're playing Buick and the Beast.

I-I-I-I don't know, Marcy. I may need some counselling.

And I think you're gonna have to do all the work for a while.

I'm not... I'm not gonna do it...

Well, I'd like to hear a little more about your ménage à bear,

but Ephraim here has to forklift his bride across the threshold.

Are you crazy?

Leave that horndog of a bear rampaging this city?

Mama can wait. We gotta track that bear down.

Hey, you guys, I saw this documentary once

where the park ranger captured the bear

by putting out a picnic basket.

Kel, did this documentary perhaps take place

in Jellystone National Park?

Yeah. Did you see it too?

Well, since there's nobody here who's man enough,

I guess I'll have to track that bear down myself.

Oh, and, uh, Al, promise me one thing.

If anything happens to me,

you take care of my bride forever and ever.

Bud, get in the car. We're going hunting again.

Hey, hey, Ephraim. Slow down.

We're not in the woods anymore.

What are you talking about? Bear hunting is bear hunting.

Now, why don't you 10-fingered nose-breathers

just let me handle this?

All right? I can... Wait a minute. There he is.

He's mine.

Pervert.

Get out of the way!

Beat it!

You know, something tells me I'm not in Wanker anymore.

You can say that again.

This is the city, Ephraim, the big city.

My turf. Now, we're gonna catch that bear my way.

Look.

The bear's been here. MAN: Yeah.

Which direction did he go?

Dad, I think the guy needs some help.

Are you really stuck in there? - Yeah.

Mm. Mm, yeah.

He's close.

How can you tell?

Because no human could possibly drink more than one Zima.

Hey, Dad, look, look, look.

Good evening, gentlemen. I see you've met our friend.

Yogi's with us, man. So beat it.

Yeah. Scram. Get lost, buddy.

Bud, hold my coat.

Hold our coats, Grandpa.

Oh, boy. Uh, Al, ahem, why don't you let this one G-O?

There's plenty of other bear in the W-O-D-S.

Ephraim.

My turf.

Any last words, punk?

Yeah, your wife is good in bed.

So you're a liar too?

Drop him. Drop him.

Look out, Dad, right here.

Dad, look out, look out!

You all right? I'm all right, boy.

Wow, that was really something.

Thanks, Ephraim. Eh, see you.

"See you"? What do you mean, "see you"?

We're going to the house and collect your wife.

Oh, I-I'm not gonna do that, Al.

Well, what do you mean not gonna do it?

Didn't I prove to you that I'm a real man?

Yeah, but you also proved that I'm not one,

and until I can be a man just like you,

I don't deserve a little bride like mama.

Wait a second, Ephraim.

You're the most courageous man I know.

Why... Why, you've seen that woman naked

and y-you're still around to tell about it.

Hey, I seen her in a nightie one time,

my pupils are still dilated.

Well, those are kind words, Al, but I know when I'm licked.

I'll come back for mama sometime.

In the meantime, you just remember

she needs nine squares a day.

I knew we should have killed him in the woods

when we had the chance.

W-w-wait a sec. Maybe all is not lost, look.

Well, that's good, son, but we don't have any money.

I don't think we'll be needing any.