Original subtitles

Babe, I need more shot glasses--

Oh! Trevor?

What are you doing staying late after class?

Uh, what?

Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, teacher,

it's me, Trevor, your student,

wondering how I might get up my grade.

I think we can find you some extra credit.

And I want a good look at your locker,

I hear it's so dirty.

Oh, so dirty.

In fact, I'm so dirty,

you should probably check me for lice.

Check you for... Babe,

isn't that more of a grade school thing?

I don't think...

I'm pretty sure we had lice checks in my high school.

Oh. Well, then, let me get a comb

and my rubber gloves.

Oh, gonna use your special lice comb?

Oh, you know I am.

Any nits or larvae?

[Sixpack] Oh, yeah.

Check him for lice

you dirty strumpet.

- Sixpack! - What are you doing in here?

Looking for peanut butter. Found it.

Sixpack,

remember what we said about boundaries--

- This is employees only! - [thudding]

- [groaning] - You wet-brained perv!

You didn't overhear any...

- None of that? - Ah, nah. No.

But for the record,

lice checks are more of a school nurse thing.

You know, for next time.

Uh-huh.

Now, where were we?

Well, Nurse Glider, I was thinking you could

take my temperature the baby way.

[rock music plays]

[man] ♪ Hell, yeah ♪

[Chessure meows]

Sixpack wants a triple gin Provencal, neat.

Fancy drink for a guy who is passed out.

Sixpack's orders get more upscale

the drunker he gets.

He's a reverse bridesmaid.

Reverse bridesmaid?

Oh, yeah. Bridesmaids start the wedding

with, like, a French martini, but by the end of the night,

they're sucking up paint thinner

somebody spilled on the bar.

That is so true!

I don't know how to make a-- Oh! Wait a sex.

Glider has drink recipes on her computer.

All right, let's see... Dap-a-dap-dap...

Uh... Time out.

Does she actually let you use her laptop?

Ah, this would be a first,

but I'm sure she's cool with it.

- Stalker much? - Hello?

- What's hers is yours. - Privacy?

"Work stuff." That's me.

After all, I'm the biz pahd-na,

so no probs clickety clacking this folds.

- Oops. - Jesus fuck!

Finish a word!

Whoa. Stop the trolley.

Relationship Milestones Checklist?

It says here,

at one year you should be living together

or just break up.

We're 14 months!

- Yikes! - Better find a place.

- You suck, dude - News flash, you suck.

Open communication is the key to trust.

Perhaps you should wait

and discuss this with Golden Glider.

Wait? He's two months late.

- You know... - Two months...

- The ship has sailed... - If he takes any more...

Okay, look what I found. [chuckles] Wha--

Were you guys plotting to kill me or something?

Babe, these have been the best 14 months of my life.

The only thing I would change?

The two rents part.

Lisa Snart...

aka Golden Glider,

would you make me the luckiest roommate-with-benefits on Earth

and move in with me?

Is it me or does this guy

fake propose for fucking everything?

Babe, I...

I mean, what is this?

It's a key which symbolically opens

the door to wherever we move in together.

Chuck, this is so...

Oh, no. The work folder.

I, uh... [chuckles]

No. I can't move in with you.

Hey, while you're down on the floor,

you might wanna look under some tables,

for your fucking balls.

[all laughing]

- Give the guy a break. - He got you!

Those are long gone my friend.

[knocking]

Um, babe, was just noodling

and thought maybe we should discuss

what happened...

Totally. Just crazy busy right now, babe.

Inventorying the straws.

- Ah! Super important. - Oh, yeah. Super important.

True that. Yeah.

You know, I should do the same with the bev napkins.

Well, in the words

of Archduke Ferdinand's bodyguard,

"I sure biffed this one."

Totally put Glider on the spot when she wasn't ready.

Oh, come on. You're following the rules

of her own spreadsheet, right?

I thought so. I mean, things were going amazing

and yet she defied her own spreadsheet.

Maybe she does want to move in together.

She just doesn't want to move in together with you.

Yeah, face it, you're eating a meatball

too big for your mouth.

She's a devastating killing machine

and you got a kite.

This is why I don't date anyone less powerful than me.

Or the poor.

Shiznit!

I mean, maybe she's not into me anymore.

- [clattering] - You think? guys?

Where'd everyone go?

Across the street.

[upbeat music playing]

[man, in deep voice] ♪ Villigan's ♪

Eat my ass,

a Villigan's opened across the street?

What'd they do? Put it up overnight?

They have got the franchising down.

I am going to miss that Unitarian church.

Ugh, all our customers went over there.

Hey, can I get off early today?

[together] No!

We are so fucked!

Damn it. I knew legitimate business was a bad idea.

Well, hold on. Okay.

So, a competitor opened across the street.

You know what?

This could be the villain bar and restaurant district.

Oh, I don't know. Villigan's is a huge chain.

They could bury us like they buried

Beefsteak Charlie's and Shnazzy's Sitz 'n Gritz...

And Tamale Junction.

Miss those tamales everyday.

How about this?

I'll go do some recon.

Get the hot goss,

see what's crackalacking,

come back and game plan this bizzy.

Gotta love Bane's can-do attitude.

We're toast.

What is Bane doing?

How long does it take to scope a place out?

Courtesy of Villigan's management.

[chuckles]

Wait, that wasn't...

Riddler? No.

Villigan's is villain-themed.

The staff all dress like famous villains.

That would offend the shit out of me if it wasn't so fun.

Well, what is this for?

"To the owners of Noonan's.

A gift basket from your new neighbors at Villigan's."

Three day-passes for Queen of Kings Spa.

Oh! I'm going by myself three times.

Um, this is addressed to the owners.

Sure. Butter us up before they fry us in the pan.

Actually, babe,

couples spa date?

We can get intimately rubbed down

by strangers side-by-side.

Maybe, you know, in there somewhere

discuss today's spreadsheet snafu...

Uh, yeah. Or, you know,

I never really get to bond with the girls here

and female friendships are so important.

- No, they're not. - Free spa day.

Right, yes, super true, babe.

Take the girls!

- I am shouting. - I like that plan.

Those spas are nude.

Gives me a chance to do some body shopping.

This one has to shit anytime I have sugar.

Great. All right. Well... [chuckles]

Um...

- [kisses] Oh. Okay. - [chuckles]

- [kisses] - Wow. Yeah. Mmm.

- Bye. - Uh, bye now.

She wants nothing to do with me.

- [smack] - That's loser talk.

Ow! Sean!

You want her to move in with you?

There are two things women can't resist.

A good smack on the ass

and solving a big problem.

And Villigan's is a big problem.

You're right. I'll prove I'm move-in worthy

by solving the Villigan's problem.

Oh, and we don't smack on the ass anymore,

but we do send flirty sexts.

Have a blast with the ladies, comma,

and I'll have a blast for you later, period.

- Send. - [groans]

[chuckles] Hell, yeah.

Now, to solve that Villigan's problem.

[door slams]

[upbeat music playing]

Whoa!

Wow! Whoa!

Where did they even get that?

Villigan's doesn't miss a beat.

I mean, this is the perfect homage

to all the great villains. It's just like Planet Hollywood

was the perfect homage to all the great planets.

But you know what? I actually learn a lot from them, too.

[all] Aw!

The breathalyzer literally explodes.

So I says, "Now what, officer?

The alphabet again?"

[all laughing]

So, now Joe's goomad is asking why she hasn't heard from him.

And I'm, like, "Sweetheart, reality check.

He's ghosting you."

Oh, we can't compete with this.

- Table for one, sir? - Bane?

Ooh! Kite Man.

Welcome to Villigan's.

You work here now? What? How?

You know,

it actually happened pretty organically.

These crooks think they can put

the little guy out of business.

We'll see about that.

What?

They've got a me?

Wow, I am important.

Hold up. He didn't even greet that two-top.

And this customer over here is waiting on a refill!

This guy is giving Bane a bad name!

Excuse me? Garcon?

Does the soup contain gluten?

Well, look, I don't...

Well... Are we talking of allergies

or just a preference?

And when they open that patio seating,

those tips are gonna be off the chain.

Well, I can't wait to see their Fake Kite Man.

- Can... Can you introduce me? - Hey!

Fake Calendar Man,

is Fake Kite Man working tonight?

Nah, we don't have a Fake Kite Man.

Fake Kite Man, no. Sorry.

They don't? What?

Wait, they have a Fake Calendar Man,

but they don't have a Fake Kite Man?

[stuttering]

Well, look, it's so hard

to find good help,

that also, you know,

resembles such a super famous--

[groans] Thanks anyway, buddy.

- [man] Garcon? - Just a second!

[sighs]

[masseuse] Right here. Oh, there's a knot.

- Mmm. - [masseuse] It's very tight.

Oh, right there.

[masseuse] A little ore pressure?

Oh, I can't believe we can't have our phones.

[Golden Glider] Ah, this was such a good idea.

I am crazy relaxed.

Don't touch my fucking feet!

- Isn't this fun? - So when are you gonna dump Kite Man?

What? I'm not going to dump him.

Your own spreadsheet says

if it's not time to move in, it's time to move on.

[sighs] Okay, okay. I know, but...

I made it before I even met Kite Man.

It was stupid.

And here's the truth.

I do wanna move in with him.

I'm just... afraid I'll kill him.

- So? - Why?

Because I can't control my powers

if I get super emotional.

If we live together,

the first time he puts a dish in the sink

instead of in the dishwasher, which is three inches away,

I will lose my shit and accidentally

turn him into a pool of blood on the carpet.

Huh! Good luck getting hard blood out of a rug.

Look at it like this,

if you kill him, then it wasn't meant to be.

- Bingo! - Yeah, I don't really

- see it that way-- - The hell?

[Golden Glider] A Villigan's Company?

A chain restaurant owns this spa. Weird.

Also, they said the mask would tingle,

but it does feel like my face is being stabbed.

- [exclaims] - Oops.

Oops, my ass! That was no accident!

You just ripped my head off!

Oh, ow!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[meows]

[buzzer blaring]

Ladies, I'm starting to think this is a trap.

Starting to think?

How can I blame Glider for not wanting to live with me?

I don't wanna live with me

and I don't have a clue

on how to get rid of Villigan's.

I have a thought.

Go kill the manager.

What? Noonan, that doesn't sound like

the way to handle a--

You think I kept this bar open all these years

with friendly service? No!

I have killed more--

- I've never... [stutters] - What?

I've never killed anyone before.

- What? - Please do not tell anyone.

Okay? If that got out at the Legion of Doom,

they would lose all respect for me.

Your bigger problem is your girl

will have no respect for you

if you lose this bar.

I'd do anything to make sure that doesn't happen.

- Even... - Even kill.

Do you have a weapon I can borrow?

I got every weapon you can borrow.

[Kite Man] Whoa! All right.

Whoa! Very cool.

Very, very cool.

Let's pop that killing cherry.

What's this one?

All right, uh... Cataclysmic Deionizer.

It's a nice choice. It's discreet,

take off the lid like you're gonna moisturize your lips,

point it at the manager,

squeeze, dead.

That is actually pretty nice.

Can I get you ladies

started with drinks?

Wow! We got Bane!

- [chuckling] - Yup. You got me.

So are we thinking...

Isn't the real Bane skinnier?

Joanne, you're awful!

- [all laughing] - But you're right.

I will get some bread for the table.

[ominous music playing]

[grunting]

- [grunting] - [exclaims]

Ugh! [groaning]

Ha!

[groans]

[grunting]

Oh, that's right.

Fighting is my self-care.

Chessure, get your toy.

- [screeches] - Hey, watch the head.

[screaming]

Ow! So catching me wasn't part of your plan?

Sorry, I've never been good at sports.

[grunting]

Shit. I can't stop thinking

that I hurt Kite Man's feelings.

[grunting]

I really like him. And I never like anyone! He's just so...

- Basic? - Dumpable?

[grunting]

I was gonna say sweet.

And the weird thing is, that makes me love him more

- [screams] - [groaning]

Malice, you okay?

Oh, yeah. This must be our third date

because I'm about to give you all some head.

[exclaiming]

[groaning]

How about a freaking heads up next time?

You wait till the third date?

Yeah. Chastity is the new edging.

[thudding]

[growls]

That's one big fucking masseuse!

Hi, there. Uh...

I was hoping to maybe speak to the manager.

'Scuse me, mister?

Oh! Hey, kiddo, can I help you?

We got you a skinny Marga-queefa.

Oh. [chuckles]

Uh, well, that's adorable, sweetie.

I think maybe you mean "Margarita."

But I didn't order anything.

Yeah. [chuckles] This one's on the house.

And don't worry, it's virgin.

Just like you, Kite Man.

You know, perhaps I should speak with your parents.

[older woman voice] Eat shit. I'm 47.

I sued my parents into homelessness years ago.

Name's Babydoll, I run this place.

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. You're the manager?

Something you wanted to ask me?

Um...

- No, I'm good. - Didn't think so.

I'm looking forward to flattening Noonan's

and putting in a big deck for patio seating.

Big deck?

What can I say?

I love big decks.

[laughing]

Hang in there, Kite Man. This ain't so bad.

This place is just so fake.

Agreed. It could never be Noonan's.

I mean, Noonan's, may it rest in peace,

was a place where we could all sit at the bar

and just have a drink.

This place, could never provide that.

[waitstaff] ♪ Birthday, birthday, birthday ♪

♪ Today's your birthday ♪

♪ Birthday, birthday, birthday ♪

♪ At Villigan's we say ♪

♪ Birthday, birthday, birthday! ♪

♪ A birthday is a birthday ♪

♪ Birthday, birthday, birthday ♪

[Bane] It's a registered trademark

of Villigan's incorporated!

- Yay! - [waitstaff] Happy birthday!

That is one toe-tapping

proprietary birthday song, right there.

[chuckles] To Aiden!

If I had Aiden's wish right now,

I'd wish Glider would text me back

and this giant corporate chain restaurant never opened.

See, you're getting greedy now.

That's two wishes. Even if Aiden owned

a money printing machine like Villigan's,

he couldn't buy another wish.

Wait a minute, that's it.

To beat Villigan's, we need to focus

on the things they can't buy.

Like some good old-fashioned creativity

and community engagement.

[chuckles] Yes! Thanks, guys.

I knew you couldn't do it.

Listen, Babydoll may be a greedy,

ruthless freak, hellbent on my personal ruin,

but she is also, unfortunately,

super cute. But good news,

I have a better plan.

Theme nights!

Villigan's is a theme restaurant.

Well, we'll have a new theme every night.

Instrumental Karaoke Night, Taco Mondays,

get ahead of it. Hell, yeah!

Trivia Night, but only questions about trivia itself.

- [makes explosion noise] - Okay. Shut up!

Even if people liked those horrible ideas,

how are you gonna get the word out?

Way ahead of you.

Putting up a giant marquee out front.

Heading over to the gang at Just Marquees right about now.

It's the only game in town since Marquees de Sign closed.

But wait until Babydoll and her cronies

get a load of our giant marquee

of creativity and community.

[upbeat music playing]

[Kite Man] W-T-F!

When I was over there, it was like

Babydoll knew I was coming,

and now she stole all my theme night ideas.

- It's like she-- - Bugged the gift basket?

- It was in the fruitcake. - Why didn't you tell me?

I don't work for you.

Noonan, I'm not a big cured meats guy,

does charcuterie always tick?

Fire in the hole!

[boom]

[Bane] 'Splosion!

[screams]

[grunting]

[masseuse laughs]

Oh! I like that torso.

- [smack] - [exclaims]

I hate effort.

Dear God, my forehead is crying.

[straining]

[grunts, groans]

[thud]

Ugh!

Is this on?

Can they... They can see me, right?

- Damn! Babydoll? - Who?

Babydoll.

The former child star of the stupid sitcom

- Love That Baby. - Hated that show.

Oh, it sucked!

Although, did you see the one where Baby becomes a lawyer?

Oh, yeah, I like that one.

And the one where Baby gets an abortion?

[laughs]

I directed that one, actually.

Still waiting on my residuals.

[chuckles] Look, bitches,

no amount of fight will save you

or your precious bar.

You listen to me,

my boyfriend and I just bought that bar

and no second-rate tacky chain restaurant

is going to end our dreams of turning it into

the most moderately successful local dive bar

in greater east Gotham, north of 47th!

- You got that? - Oh, I got it.

- Boyfriend, huh? - As a matter of fact,

my soon to be live-in boyfriend.

We still talking about this?

Well, I hope you're not talking about Kite Man,

because I'm afraid he's dead.

- What? - [child's voice] He go boom boom!

[laughs]

[older woman voice] So unless he's bomb proof,

and I know he's not, because I've heard his jokes,

Kite Man is very dead.

[screams]

Oh, this is bad.

Take cover!

[screeching]

[slashing]

Hmm, nice fucking throw, Kite Man.

Uh, well, thanks.

Nine-time intramural disc golf champ.

There's actually a pretty sweet course

over by the Gotham airport

if you ever want to get in--

Goddamnit! Are you kidding me?

I'm trying to make Regional Supervisor

and a property insurance claim is not helping.

You're paying for a new revolving door, cocksucker!

I don't think so, Babydoll.

- [grunting] - [groans]

Kite Man, kick her sorry little ass.

I'm not hitting a child.

- [thud] - Ah, Jesus Christ!

Babydoll, Noonan's isn't going anywhere,

so we're just gonna have to find a way to live together.

[grunts] You mean like your dumb girlfriend

you're moving in with?

- Who told you that? - She did.

She said you're moving in together,

only problem is, next thing she did

was die!

[laughs]

[growling]

[panting]

Oh, fuck!

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, shit.

Ew, when did French braids come back?

- Malice, you're... - Fine.

I'm immortal, remember?

Oh, what about Fables?

What about me? I'm right here.

What do you think?

Your kill-everything tantrum made a perfect buffet

of parts in there.

- I look good. - [sighs]

Oh, my God. Chuck!

Can you believe this shit?

You see the appetizers?

They want $17.99

for the Riddler soup of the day?

Like we're suckers!

Listen, Kite Man,

I am sorry about Golden Glider.

I mean, you know, there just are no words.

That being said,

how about I try some more words

and see if we land on any of that--

[door opens]

- Babe! - Babe!

[together] I thought you were dead.

Jinx. Double jinx.

I've... I've got something to tell you.

Oh, shut up!

I have to tell you something first.

Chuck, I want to move in with you.

I always have.

I was just afraid

I'd accidentally kill you, okay?

Seriously?

Babe, I'd rather be killed by you

than be alive with anyone else.

Oh, babe!

Truth is, I'd rather kill you

than see you alive with anyone else.

The down-on-one-knee shit again?

Charles "Kite Man" Brown,

would you make me the luckiest roommate-with-benefits ever

and move in with me?

I do! A thousand times do!

He do-dos!

It is beyond humiliating

to be fired by a child.

I am never going

to Villigan's again!

Hell, yeah!

Wait, what did you want to tell me?

Oh, uh, well, it's better if I show you.

[Babydoll in child's voice] Daddy, please no!

- [Kite Man grunting] - Stop, Daddy!

See, that I respect.

That's how I was raised.

Thanks. But you guys don't think this

makes me look like a jerk?

[all disagree half-heartedly]

[Bane] Yeah, but who cares?

[rock music playing]

[man] ♪ Hell, yeah ♪

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