Original subtitles

Lacy.

Hi.

I'm gonna kill myself.

I said I'm gonna kill myself if you don't come get me.

♪ He said to me

-♪ He said to me

♪ Don't take a sip

♪ Don't take a sip

♪ For if you do

♪ For if you do

♪ I'll surely slip

♪ I'll surely slip

♪ He said to me, don't take a sip

♪ For if you do, I'll surely slip

- ♪ I took a sip - ♪ I took a sip

- ♪ And he went down - ♪ And he went down

- ♪ Down to my belly - ♪ Down to my belly

- ♪ He might have drowned - ♪ He might have drowned

♪ I took a sip and he went down

♪ Into my belly, he might have drowned ♪

It was a motorcycle accident.

I'm so sorry, Lacy.

It's really sad.

But he and I aren't very close.

I hope your stepdad gets better.

He's actually just her boyfriend.

You can have this one.

That's so nice.

I don't wanna go.

Is that your mom?

-Yeah. -Can we meet her?

Mm, I don't think that's a good idea.

Why is Wayne here?

I'm not gonna kick Wayne out

because you decided to come home from camp.

I wanna stay.

I've changed my mind.

You can't do that.

I thought nobody liked me, but I was wrong.

This is a bad pattern.

And I've already convinced them

to give me part of my deposit back.

♪ Up on the river

♪ Along with the miracle man that I am

♪ With true found lovers

♪ And true found brothers of man in the plan

♪ I don't know what I did But I did and I am, I am

♪ I don't know where you go when you're sad

♪ But I ride, ride, ride

♪ Everything lies inside

♪ Leave all your cares and troubles behind

♪ I don't care what you've got to hide

♪ Yes, ride, ride, ride

♪ Roll out the train for the liberty line

♪ You'll be giving me yours I'll be giving you mine

♪ I don't care what you've been denied ♪

Where did you grow up?

South Carolina.

I don't wanna fall asleep.

Five more minutes?

Wayne thinks it's weird we still sleep together.

Can I have a piece of you?

What do you mean, a piece of me?

A little piece of you to sleep with.

Thanks.

Welcome home.

Is that your daughter?

Say "uthag" after anything that isn't A, E, I or O or U.

- After a consonant? - Yes.

But if it's A, E, I, O, U, you say it before.

Before what?

Uthagi duthago nuthagot knothagow.

What does that mean?

Uthagits uthaga suthagecruthaget.

"Jondalar relaxed beside Noria.

"After a while, she sat up and looked at him

"with glowing lang..."

"Languorous."

"...languorous eyes.

"'Jondalar, man, Noria, woman,' she said,

"as though she truly felt she was a woman now

"and leaned over to kiss him."

Suthagee yuthagou luthagatuthager.

Guthagoodbuthagye.

So nice meeting you.

I like Sequoia.

That's good.

I like Sequoia, too.

I'd like to be friends with her.

I usually have a hard time making friends.

Why doesn't she live with you some of the time?

Do you have any other kids?

Wayne has a wonderful son named Eric.

He's 20.

Where does he live?

Iraq. And California.

Eyes up here.

Very good.

You're ready to concentrate.

- Mississippi hot dog.

Mississippi hot dog.

Mississippi hot dog.

Mississippi hot dog.

Mississippi hot dog.

Mississippi hot dog.

Better.

You're using the fat part of your thumb.

You need to stay right on the edge.

This little man...

should be kissing the keys.

Something's wrong with Wayne.

Wayne has a migraine.

I think you should go back to bed.

What's a migraine?

A really bad headache.

You had a headache yesterday.

Yes.

He thinks maybe I transferred it to him.

It's too hot for tea.

Turn off the light.

What's she doing here?

Lacy, go back to bed.

Close the door.

Why doesn't Sequoia live with you part of the time?

Please get her out of here.

Lacy, leave.

Is she still here?

I need quiet.

I need to be alone.

My head is splitting open.

Do you know what a migraine feels like?

What does it feel like?

Please get her out of here.

I can't listen to her voice right now.

But I'm not trying to talk to you.

Lacy, get out!

I'm not trying to talk to you!

I'm not trying to talk to you!

Get out!

I wasn't saying anything!

I wasn't talking to you!

So what do I do?

You want me to tell you what to do?

Yes.

I think you have to break up with him.

I'm done with Book One.

Congratulations, honey.

Can I hold your hand?

It's kind of hard for me to fall asleep

when we're holding hands.

How about for a minute?

You know what's funny?

What?

Every moment of my life is hell.

I don't like it when you say things like that.

But it is.

You actually seem very happy to me a lot of the time.

It's hell. I don't think it'll last, though.

I'm actually pretty unhappy, too.

Hey.

Don't turn on the light.

The worst part of this for me

is that I really wanted to see Sequoia again.

I know her.

♪ What experience has made you

Everything is a door.

What experience has made you suffer most?

If to drink tastes bitter,

become wine.

♪ Become wine

Let the magic powers

of this night's excess...

♪ Magic powers

...at the crossroads of your senses,

give meaning to this strange encounter.

♪ Crossroads of your senses

When the world has long forgotten you,

to the silent earth, say...

♪ Encounter ♪

"I am flowing.

"I am flowing.

"I am flowing!"

To the rushing waters, speak:

"I am.

"I am!

-"I... am."

Something

is about to happen.

Well, a number of you have asked me

why we call what we did tonight

a service and not a performance.

Well, um...

We think of our work as a funeral

and also as a celebration.

We're in service for you, and with you,

to collectively process and mourn

our nihilistic, materialistic, dead and asleep culture.

And we're here to celebrate radical, impersonal love.

Because that's the deepest source of political

and spiritual resistance.

- Right? -Yes.

Don't forget... What about the table?

- Tell them about the table. - Oh. Yeah.

We also want you to leave with some really good zucchini.

We grew too much of it over the summer

and we're trying to get rid of it.

So, it's on the picnic table on your way out.

So, uh, leave a donation or...

Please, just take a zucchini.

She was in a relationship with Avi.

The guy with the beard?

Then she broke things off with him, but he...

Well, I wouldn't go so far as to call it a cult,

and Regina insists it isn't,

and they're actually really wonderful...

What's a cult?

Mm...

Good question.

A group of people

who all gather around and maybe worship someone,

like he's a religious figure or something.

And they usually all live together.

And you know these people do all live together at the farm.

And he's slept with a lot of...

Hold on, what is that?

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.

What is it?

I need to find my tweezers.

What is it?

It's still alive.

Die, tick, die.

How long were you and Will together?

- Three years. - Oh, wow.

And where does he live now?

He moved to New Mexico to be closer to his grandchildren.

- Grandchildren? - I know.

And when did you get your license?

Mm... five...

no, yeah, four-and-a-half years ago.

- Will you do some work on me? - Of course.

I can't pay you.

You're not paying me.

And you're not paying for the room, either.

You're a beautiful person, Janet. You really are.

Do you remember meeting me when you were two years old?

I don't think it's possible

for her to remember that.

You seem familiar.

See?

Lacy, how do you feel about me staying here?

Is that all right with you?

It's okay with me if we go on some adventures.

Lacy's always talking about

how we don't go on enough adventures.

I'll take you on some adventures.

It's hard when there's a five-year gap on your resume.

But I actually do have a lot of waitressing experience.

You were an actress for five years.

D'Angelo's doesn't care about that.

My mom had a lot of different jobs

before she got her acupuncture license.

Yeah, but do you know your mom got $30,000

from your grandfather when he died?

That's how she could go back to school.

Do you want kids?

Probably not.

Do lots of people fall in love with you?

Why do you say that?

Mm, lots of people fall in love with my mom.

Well, your mom is fantastic.

But she also has terrible taste in men.

Yeah.

- You think so, too? - Yeah.

The guy she just broke up with sounds awful.

Yeah.

He was okay.

Someone lit himself on fire here.

Wait, where?

On the town common.

Why'd he light himself on fire?

He was against the war.

That always makes me think about

- spontaneous combustion. - What's that?

It's like where you, like,

explode or disappear or catch on fire,

but there's no explanation.

Let's go to the ice-cream shop

- and then go home. - Okay.

Wouldn't you rather be hanging out with your friends?

I don't have any friends.

- Why? - I don't know.

It's a complete mystery to me.

♪ If I were the president

♪ If I were queen for a day

♪ I'd give the ugly people

♪ All the money

♪ I'd rewrite the Book of Love

♪ I'd make it funny

I got a job.

♪ Wheel of fortune ♪

...there is an evolution here,

and that we are a part of the evolution.

And the self of woman

that is articulated now and conceptualized,

and the possible life patterns of women taking

our own experience seriously...

Don't answer it.

And what if it's someone calling for us?

They can leave a message.

...sharing our experience here,

in forums like this, when it isn't that...

What do you think he wants?

Avi is ultimately harmless.

He just wants me to come back.

What if you talked to him?

I don't want to talk to him.

...seem to us as serious

as the problems that we started out with.

But they must be met and articulated

and we must be tuning it in,

tuning our rhetoric in for life.

Do I need this much?

This is nothing.

You could take three times this much and be fine.

You could take five times this much and be fine.

... then we are on the right political track.

If it doesn't open lines, if it isn't true to our own...

It's to help sleep tonight.

...then we have to go back to the drawing board.

And this is what we must do now

because Erin Kaplan is right.

It is fragile, our victory.

It is fragile, the basic covenant

that we could move from here and that our daughters...

Well, the short version is, when I was 15,

Mum died and I moved in with my dad.

And things were going well, I mean, relatively speaking,

I made some new friends

and I started hanging out with these older kids.

I guess one of them was 19, or 20, maybe.

And then someone sent my dad an anonymous letter.

It said something like... I mean, I read it at the time.

It said something like...

"Your daughter is, you know,

"hanging out with bad characters and doing drugs,

"and you should do something about it."

And this letter was the beginning

of the two worst years of my life.

You already know this part.

It was the reason they sent me to Ireland

to live with my grandparents,

which is, of course, when I had my nervous breakdown.

Anyway, two years ago,

which is, what, almost 30 years later,

I'm visiting my dad for Christmas

and I'm having coffee with one of my old best friends.

And we stop in to see her mother.

And when we're all saying goodbye, she starts crying,

I mean, my friend's mother starts crying.

And we say, "What, what?" And she says,

"I'm the one...

"who sent the anonymous letter, it was me."

And she's sobbing.

And she says, "I see now it was a mistake."

And I was... I mean, I just moved to Massachusetts,

and I'd just met Avi,

and I was in such a good place in my life

for the first time in a long time.

And I said, you know,

"Estelle," and I was bubbling over with forgiveness.

And I hugged her for a long time,

but she wouldn't stop crying.

And then that night, I got back to my dad's house,

and I said, "Hey, Dad, I just saw Jackie's mother

"for the first time in decades,

"remember Estelle?"

And he says, "Yeah."

And I say, "Well, it turns out she's the one who sent

"the anonymous letter about me 30 years ago."

And Dad says, "What letter?"

Erm... no.

Yeah?

No, we never had any dogs and we never had any cats.

It was just me and my Holocaust-survivor dad

and my angry mom.

And then finally, one day,

after I'd begged and begged them for a pet,

they got me a dove.

A dove?

Mm-hmm. They got me a dove and I named her Susan.

♪ Round and round the earth is turning

♪ Turning always 'round to morning

♪ And from morning 'round to night ♪

I think I know what it feels like

to be a baby in the womb.

I just got in touch with it.

What's it like?

It's wet...

and warm...

and wooshy.

It's really good.

There's no language for it.

No thinking

and no language.

What are we even talking about...

when we talk about mothers?

What are we even talking about?

Look, there's making bad decisions.

Choosing the wrong person.

But then there's also worrying all the time

that you're making bad decisions

and not trusting yourself.

So, you develop an identity.

You develop an identity as an untrustworthy person.

Untrustworthy to yourself.

And so that...

I mean, once you're in that pattern,

that's how you make bad decisions.

Because then you think...

When you have an instinct about something, you think...

"Oh, I can't trust my instinct because I'm the one...

"I'm the person who makes bad decisions here."

So, then you make a bad decision.

But even the word "bad."

But even the word

"bad."

What is that word?

Why do we say that word to ourselves?

I would never say that to one of my patients.

That's my...

That's my narrative of myself, but...

who's to say?

Who's to say but me whether it's a bad decision?

Yeah.

But objectively, you do make bad decisions.

Well, who knows?

Well, you know.

I mean, I know. We know when we know.

But I'm saying maybe we don't.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, but...

also,

and I mean this with love...

don't kid yourself, Janet.

I mean...

- you know.

♪ The summer blooming flower

♪ Welcome the child whose hand I hold ♪

I think I might be dehydrated.

You should sit down.

Lacy, can you get some water?

Yeah, I don't know.

I think I was...

I think I was onto something and you stepped on my toe.

Stepped on your toe?

Or however you say it.

Interrupted me.

No, no, no.

Oh, I didn't mean to do that. I...

Yeah, but that's what happened.

I was onto something and I was being kind to myself for once,

and you stepped on my toe.

Huh.

Okay.

That's not...

I actually felt

filled with love for you in that moment.

That's what filled with love looks like?

That's what it's like when you're filled with love?

I was, like, yes, you're onto something.

You do make bad decisions sometimes,

but you're facing up to it.

But you don't know me. You haven't seen me for years.

We're friends.

You gave away all of your money.

You can't pay a month's rent.

I've worked really, really hard.

I know you have.

I've changed my life.

Hi.

Are you gonna be in there much longer?

No, I'm getting off.

You've been in there for 45 minutes.

Also, Lacy?

Yes?

I don't wanna sound rude,

but can you stop using my shampoo?

I didn't use your shampoo.

Also, why do you smear your hair all over the shower wall?

I don't.

I forgot to wash my hands!

Use the kitchen sink.

♪ Well, this could be the best thing

♪ That you'll ever have

♪ Baby, don't treat me bad

♪ You can do anything, but, baby

♪ Don't treat me bad

♪ Oh, don't treat me bad

♪ I gave everything

♪ But you threw it all away

♪ I can't take anymore

♪ Of these games that you play

♪ Oh, I've been through heartache

♪ And I've been through pain

♪ And it's hard to believe

♪ You still treat me this way

♪ But I won't cry no more

♪ 'Cause the tears are all in vain ♪

♪ I finally found the love of a lifetime

♪ A love to last my whole life through

♪ I finally found the love of a lifetime

♪ Forever in my heart

♪ I finally found the love of a lifetime ♪

Are you okay?

What do you mean?

You're covered in something.

It's just ice cream.

Lacy, this is Regina's friend, Avi.

He just stopped by to say hello.

Great to meet you.

I saw you in the play.

He directed it, too.

Did you like it?

She loved it.

So, what do you do for fun, Lacy?

I have a piano lesson in five minutes.

Fantastic.

I can tell you really practiced.

I actually didn't practice very much this week at all.

I don't know. He showed up and he was friendly,

and he asked if he could

tell me about what happened between them.

What happened between them?

We didn't end up talking that much about it.

It really surprised me how nice he was.

I thought he'd be a narcissistic,

artist type of guy.

He asked a lot of questions.

Would you be disappointed if, one day, I dated a girl?

No, I wouldn't be disappointed at all.

I'd be very happy for you.

I've always wondered if you might turn out

to be a lesbian.

I didn't say I was a lesbian.

I know, I know.

Don't get mad at me. I just said I wondered.

Why?

Because you have a kind of...

a forthrightness.

You have a kind of aggressive quality.

It sounds like a criticism and I don't mean it as one.

I've just always worried...

I've just always wondered

how that would work with a man.

I've wondered if it might be easier

for you to be with a woman.

Men like you.

What?

I know I'm not that beautiful.

But I've...

always had this knowledge...

and I don't even know if it's true,

but I've always had this knowledge...

deep inside of me that I could

make any man fall in love with me if I really tried.

And I think maybe it's ruined my life.

I've never actually said that

out loud before.

I guess it sounds kinda silly.

Can you stop?

Stop what?

Stop trying.

Good news.

You're in Mr. Mac's class.

He's supposed to be the nice one, right?

Phew.

You glad?

So,

we're in agreement that

before the universe existed, there was nothing, right?

Are the two of you in agreement with me?

Theoretically?

There was nothing,

and out of nothing came something.

I mean, we're... we're talking about the Big Bang.

There was nothing, and out of nothing came something.

Right? Okay.

So, out of nothing came something.

There was just God or...

or Brahmin or whatever you want to call him.

There was God and the state of nothing ever happening

for an infinity of time...

well, of no time, 'cause time didn't exist.

Imagine you're God, okay?

And you are God, by the way.

I know you don't think you are, but you are.

And just imagine you've been doing nothing forever.

And then imagine the thought crosses your mind that,

"You know, maybe I should do something."

And then another billion years go by.

And then, "Hmm,

"maybe I should do something.

"Nah, I'm gonna go back to doing nothing."

Pfft.

Once you have that thought, God,

once you have that thought,

it's hard to let go of, right?

It's hard to let go of that... that impulse.

Maybe I will. Maybe I won't.

But you do.

Okay, so

you create the universe.

Bang. Everything changes in an instant.

And millions of years later, you get human consciousness.

Now, are you both still with me so far?

All right.

Every Buddhist scripture says...

And I know that you know this.

Every Buddhist scripture says there's only one I, right?

That's the first thing we learn.

I may look like a man,

and you may look like a woman, but...

we're all the same.

We're all one.

So, if there's only one I,

which we acknowledge to be a spiritual truth,

then you...

you created the universe.

You made that decision.

He said I can come up with it myself.

I had a good one last night, but now I forget it.

It has to do with truth before ego.

Truth before the desire to be liked,

which is a very female thing.

What is?

The desire to be liked.

My own liberation depends on my ability

to put truth before the desire to be liked.

My own liberation depends on my ability

to put truth before the desire to be loved.

My own liberation depends on my ability

to put truth before ego.

My own liberation depends on my willingness

to put truth before my own self-image.

My own liberation depends on my willingness

to see truth beyond my own self-image.

My own liberation depends on my willingness

to see truth beyond my own self-image.

Something like that.

And then you can do prostrations.

My own willingness...

My own liberation depends on my willingness

to see truth

beyond my own self-image.

My own liberation depends on my willingness

to see truth beyond my own self-image.

My own liberation depends on my willingness

to see truth beyond my own self-image.

It's really starting to smell like fall.

I think it's my favorite smell in the whole world.

She says she can't think because of the headache.

And my face is numb.

And her face is numb.

It was her first day of sixth grade today,

and I think she was really nervous.

I'm gonna throw up.

The headache's gonna make me throw up.

You wanna use the bathroom?

Mm-hmm.

He said you can go on antibiotics,

in case it's some kind of infection.

But, you know, I hate antibiotics.

What do you want to do?

I don't want to go on antibiotics.

You scared about middle school?

Yes, but that's not why I'm sick.

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Hey, cool

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ All right, all right

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Na, na, na, na, na

♪ Hey, cool

♪ Na, na, na, na, na ♪

Sweetie, I'm gonna have to ask you to go inside,

otherwise my clients will see you and get worried.

Are you still throwing up?

I picked up the antibiotics.

I think maybe you should take them.

Why?

In case you have a bacterial thing.

But we hate antibiotics.

Well,

it's your decision.

I'm leaving the bag on the counter.

How would you feel about me meeting up

with Avi for a walk?

When?

He wants to have a picnic dinner.

You're invited, of course.

If you're not feeling well enough,

I'll leave out some of those frozen blintzes you love.

Without the fruit.

Yeah, without the fruit.

I thought that part would get easier

as I got older, but it's pretty much stayed the same.

The guilt, but also...

sometimes I feel like she's watching me.

When you're not with her?

Yeah.

"And you, my parents, am I not right?

"You who loved me

"for that small beginning of my love for you,

"from which I always shyly turned away,

"because the distance in your features grew, changed,

"even while I loved it, into cosmic space

"where you no longer were.

"And when I feel inclined to wait before the puppet stage,

"no, rather to stare at it so intensely that in the end,

"to counter-balance my searching gaze,

"an angel has to come as an actor

"and begin manipulating the lifeless bodies

"of the puppets to perform.

"Angel and puppet!

"Now at last there is a play.

"Then what we separate can come together

"by our very presence.

"And only then the entire cycle of our own life-seasons

"is revealed and set in motion."

It's... It's part of a much longer poem.

Will you read it again?

I spaced out for a second in the middle.

I really like you, Janet.

I really like you.

Read it again.

"And you, my parents, am I not right?

"You who loved me

"for that small beginning of my love for you,

"from which I always shyly turned away,

"because the distance in your features grew, changed,

"even while I loved it, into cosmic space

"where you no longer were.

"And when I feel inclined to wait before the puppet stage,

"no, rather to stare at it so intensely that in the end,

"to counter-balance my searching gaze,

"an angel has to come as an actor

"and begin manipulating the lifeless..."

I'm so glad you came.

I'm a terrible dancer.

It's not really about being good or bad.

It's just a great way to meet people.

Are you gonna contra dance, Lacy?

Lacy has made it very clear to me

that she is not going to contra dance.

Circle to the left,

two circle lefts.

And back to the right, circle right, right, rights.

Now the ones with the twos.

It's lady 'round lady and the gent around gent

and swing in the middle of the sentence.

Now, men center, go four by four.

Back on up.

Ones arch, twos dive through.

On to the next for the figure eight.

Box the gnat.

Circle to the left.

Now back to the right, circle right, right, rights.

New ladies!

There's your partner.

Hi.

Hi.

Gentlemen, left hands.

Long line to the middle.

Go once and a half.

Now box the gnat.

Find your partner. Balance here.

You okay?

Yeah.

I'm here with my mom.

You wanna dance?

You sure?

♪ Round and round the earth is turning

♪ Turning always 'round to morning

♪ And from morning 'round to night

♪ Round and round the earth is turning

♪ Turning always 'round to morning

♪ And from morning 'round to night

♪ Round and round the earth is turning

♪ Turning always 'round to morning

♪ And from morning 'round to night

♪ Round and round the earth is turning

♪ Turning always 'round to morning

♪ And from morning 'round to night

♪ Round and round the earth is turning

♪ Turning always 'round to morning

♪ And from morning 'round to night

♪ Round and round the earth is turning

♪ Turning always 'round to morning

♪ And from morning 'round to night

♪ Turning always 'round to morning

♪ And from morning 'round to night ♪