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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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00:00:03,165 --> 00:00:04,612
ROBIN:
So, the hairdresser shows up
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00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:06,379
at 2:00 on Sunday.
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00:00:06,381 --> 00:00:07,664
Great, and while you do that,
4
00:00:07,666 --> 00:00:09,082
I'll check in
on the ring bear.
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00:00:09,084 --> 00:00:10,883
I'm sorry.
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00:00:10,885 --> 00:00:14,671
You're saying
"ring bearer," right?
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00:00:14,673 --> 00:00:16,222
Ring bear.
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00:00:16,224 --> 00:00:18,758
Okay, look into my eyes and say,
"I promise that I'm not bringing
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00:00:18,760 --> 00:00:20,493
a dangerous wild animal
to our wedding."
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00:00:20,495 --> 00:00:21,728
(chuckles)
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00:00:22,229 --> 00:00:24,130
(beeping)
I...
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00:00:24,132 --> 00:00:26,816
Oh, that's the shuttle
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00:00:26,818 --> 00:00:28,768
with our elderly relatives
pulling up.
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00:00:28,770 --> 00:00:31,303
There's nine steps between
the bus and that front door,
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00:00:31,305 --> 00:00:32,989
which means we've only got
about 45 minutes
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00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,107
until they get inside.
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00:00:34,109 --> 00:00:36,209
We won't have a
moment to ourselves
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00:00:36,211 --> 00:00:38,745
once those old bastards
latch onto us like leeches,
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00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:40,446
but they're family
and I love them.
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00:00:40,448 --> 00:00:42,648
(chuckles)
Living link to history.
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00:00:42,650 --> 00:00:44,033
Oh, God.
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00:00:44,035 --> 00:00:45,201
This is gonna be rough.
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00:00:45,203 --> 00:00:46,502
My great-grandparents
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00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:48,588
never stop bickering,
but I guess that's
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00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,757
what happens when you've
been married for 60 years.
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00:00:50,759 --> 00:00:52,608
60 years.
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00:00:52,610 --> 00:00:55,011
Man, when was the last time
you think they had sex?
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00:00:55,013 --> 00:00:58,664
Probably not since the
Maple Leafs won the cup.
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00:00:58,666 --> 00:01:01,100
(chuckles)
1967.
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00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:03,886
That's not gonna be us, right?
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00:01:03,888 --> 00:01:07,807
Like, when we get married,
it's not all fighting, no sex?
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00:01:07,809 --> 00:01:09,976
What? No way.
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00:01:09,978 --> 00:01:12,712
It's us, R-Train and B-Nasty.
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00:01:12,714 --> 00:01:15,815
That will never happen.
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00:01:18,986 --> 00:01:21,054
BOTH:
We have to have sex right now.
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00:01:21,056 --> 00:01:23,056
Aw.
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 9x03 ♪
Last Time in New York
Original Air Date on September 30, 2013
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
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NARRATOR: Kids, as you recall,Uncle Marshall
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had gotten kicked offhis flight home from Minnesota
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and was now high-tailing itacross the country
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00:01:43,395 --> 00:01:46,012
with another stranded traveler
named Daphne.
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00:01:46,014 --> 00:01:47,046
How's it going, baby?
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00:01:47,048 --> 00:01:48,014
Fine.
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00:01:48,016 --> 00:01:49,549
Except the flames of Lucifer
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00:01:49,551 --> 00:01:51,550
keep singeing our back bumper
as we drive
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00:01:51,552 --> 00:01:55,054
through this hellish,
cheese-infested wasteland.
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00:01:55,056 --> 00:01:57,356
Wisconsin?
Wisconsin!
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00:01:57,358 --> 00:01:58,825
Packers country.
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00:01:58,827 --> 00:02:00,243
But don't worry,
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00:02:00,245 --> 00:02:02,895
the Eriksen men are repping
the purple and gold
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00:02:02,897 --> 00:02:04,430
like two bosses.
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00:02:05,632 --> 00:02:07,450
Go, Vikings!
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(giggles)
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00:02:10,621 --> 00:02:11,804
And how are you doing, Daphne?
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Not bad, considering
Marshall's been spouting
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00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,242
Vikings trivia
for the last hour.
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00:02:16,244 --> 00:02:17,744
Do you know
"I don't care"
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00:02:17,746 --> 00:02:19,879
led the league last year
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00:02:19,881 --> 00:02:22,348
in "dumb sports stuff"?
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MARSHALL:
Anyways, listen,
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00:02:23,418 --> 00:02:24,416
I should be back in time
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00:02:24,418 --> 00:02:25,718
for the rehearsal dinner
tomorrow.
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00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:27,186
Oh, the rehearsal dinner.
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00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:30,139
Daphne, you should have seen
the dress I was gonna wear.
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00:02:30,141 --> 00:02:32,424
Up top,
it packed the gals together
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00:02:32,426 --> 00:02:35,211
like opening night
of a Sex and the City movie.
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00:02:35,213 --> 00:02:37,847
And down south,
it made mama look like a dream
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00:02:37,849 --> 00:02:40,817
Sir Mix-A-Lot would never want
to wake up from.
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00:02:40,819 --> 00:02:43,719
Ooh, what happened
to that dress?
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00:02:45,155 --> 00:02:47,940
(screaming)
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The drunks at the dry cleaners
destroyed it.
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(slurps loudly)
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00:02:53,998 --> 00:02:55,798
Thank you, Linus.
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00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:57,266
Okay, Lily, I have to go.
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00:02:57,268 --> 00:02:59,919
I have to alert the villagers
that there is
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00:02:59,921 --> 00:03:01,671
a Viking amongst them.
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00:03:01,673 --> 00:03:03,372
Oh...
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(blowing horn)
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Marshall's driving through Wisconsin?
Yep.
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00:03:07,996 --> 00:03:10,680
Ooh, is that
your toast?
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00:03:10,682 --> 00:03:12,798
Uh... yeah.
Yeah, I'm just
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00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,734
gonna wing mine.
'Cause if you get up there
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00:03:14,736 --> 00:03:16,402
and speak from the heart...
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00:03:16,404 --> 00:03:18,321
things good...
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00:03:18,323 --> 00:03:20,106
mouth words...
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00:03:20,108 --> 00:03:21,157
memory
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00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,124
times.
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00:03:22,126 --> 00:03:23,893
Can I take a peek
at your speech?
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00:03:23,895 --> 00:03:25,244
Uh, no. I...
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00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:29,165
"Have a drink
with my favorite students,
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00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:31,984
see one last sunset
over the Hudson."
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00:03:31,986 --> 00:03:33,369
Ted, your speech sucks.
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00:03:33,371 --> 00:03:36,706
Well, it's no "mouth words,
memory times."
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00:03:36,708 --> 00:03:40,009
But if you must know,
it's, uh... it's not a speech.
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00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:41,928
What is it, then?
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00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:44,881
NARRATOR: A week before the wedding,I realized I couldn't stay
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00:03:44,883 --> 00:03:46,399
in New York any longer.
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00:03:46,401 --> 00:03:49,936
So I decided to start freshin Chicago.
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00:03:49,938 --> 00:03:51,554
It's a list of all the things
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00:03:51,556 --> 00:03:53,356
I want to do
before I leave New York.
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00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:55,525
Okay, I don't know
which I hate more:
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00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,143
the fact that you're moving away
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00:03:57,145 --> 00:03:59,562
or the fact that I'm the only
one that knows about it.
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Why won't you tell anyone?
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00:04:01,199 --> 00:04:04,483
You don't drop a bombshell like
that this close to a wedding.
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00:04:04,485 --> 00:04:07,486
No, that's an excuse. You have
been avoiding Barney and Robin
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00:04:07,488 --> 00:04:08,988
since the carousel.
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00:04:08,990 --> 00:04:10,189
And now
on Monday,
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00:04:10,191 --> 00:04:12,625
you're running away to Chicago.
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00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:14,026
I'm not running away.
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00:04:14,028 --> 00:04:15,528
I'm moving on.
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00:04:15,530 --> 00:04:19,031
This list isn't written by
someone who's ready to move on.
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00:04:19,033 --> 00:04:21,634
It's written by someone
who loves New York.
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00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:25,338
I mean, "Fix graffiti
on 96th and Amsterdam"?
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00:04:25,340 --> 00:04:27,557
I hated looking at it.
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00:04:29,059 --> 00:04:30,259
(clicks tongue, sighs)
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00:04:30,261 --> 00:04:31,978
(paint spraying)
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00:04:34,197 --> 00:04:37,083
"Buy the whole bar
a round of drinks."
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00:04:37,085 --> 00:04:38,034
Mm-hmm.
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00:04:38,036 --> 00:04:39,268
Hey, everyone.
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00:04:39,270 --> 00:04:40,686
Next round's on me!
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00:04:40,688 --> 00:04:42,554
(cheering)
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Yeah!
(patrons chanting "Ted!")
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00:04:44,692 --> 00:04:45,925
Ted?
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00:04:47,177 --> 00:04:48,444
Hey, everyone.
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00:04:48,446 --> 00:04:50,329
Next round's on me!
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00:04:51,899 --> 00:04:52,898
Can I have a double bourbon...
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00:04:52,900 --> 00:04:55,217
No doubles!
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00:04:55,219 --> 00:04:58,204
"Say good-bye
to the Empire State Building."
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00:04:58,206 --> 00:04:59,939
Bro.
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What?
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00:05:01,209 --> 00:05:03,075
Sometimes I go...
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00:05:03,077 --> 00:05:05,444
talk to her about life.
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00:05:05,446 --> 00:05:07,213
TED:
And I just hate the thought
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00:05:07,215 --> 00:05:09,515
of leaving you, Empy,
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00:05:09,517 --> 00:05:12,551
but my gut tells me
my future's in Chicago.
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00:05:12,553 --> 00:05:14,303
What do you think?
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00:05:14,305 --> 00:05:16,005
(deep male voice):
You need to move.
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00:05:16,007 --> 00:05:17,473
Oh, my God, r-really?
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00:05:17,475 --> 00:05:18,891
Are-are you sure?
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00:05:18,893 --> 00:05:19,976
Yeah, I'm sure.
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00:05:19,978 --> 00:05:21,644
You can't just
stand there talking
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00:05:21,646 --> 00:05:23,696
to a building and petting it.
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00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:26,232
Wait, are you one
of those freaks
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00:05:26,234 --> 00:05:28,501
who's sexually attracted
to buildings?
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00:05:28,503 --> 00:05:29,986
An objectophiliac?
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00:05:29,988 --> 00:05:31,988
No way.
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00:05:31,990 --> 00:05:34,373
Then why do you know
what they're called?
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00:05:34,375 --> 00:05:36,809
Why do you know
what they're called?
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00:05:37,911 --> 00:05:39,962
(moaning)
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00:05:39,964 --> 00:05:41,947
Wait. Wait, wait. You know
what would really prove
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00:05:41,949 --> 00:05:43,499
we're not some old married couple?
Mmm.
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00:05:43,501 --> 00:05:45,785
Doing it somewhere
we're not supposed to.
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00:05:45,787 --> 00:05:47,420
(gasps)
No, not what I mean.
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00:05:47,422 --> 00:05:49,305
Oh.
Like the elevator or the pool cabana.
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00:05:49,307 --> 00:05:51,040
Uh, how about the roof?
Oh...
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00:05:51,042 --> 00:05:52,591
(both chuckling)
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MAN:
Who gets married this far away?
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00:05:55,763 --> 00:05:57,513
WOMAN:
And the humidity.
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00:05:57,515 --> 00:05:58,981
BOTH (quietly):
They're here.
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00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:01,311
What do you say we make
this bang a home game?
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00:06:01,336 --> 00:06:03,319
Yes.
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00:06:03,320 --> 00:06:04,353
We're locked out.
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00:06:04,355 --> 00:06:05,905
I guess we could try
the back door.
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00:06:05,907 --> 00:06:07,323
(gasps)
Of our suite.
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00:06:07,325 --> 00:06:08,640
Oh.
There's a back door.
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00:06:08,642 --> 00:06:09,608
No, I locked it.
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00:06:09,610 --> 00:06:10,609
(sighs)
Okay, it's fine.
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00:06:10,611 --> 00:06:11,694
We'll race down
to the front desk
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00:06:11,696 --> 00:06:13,145
and get a key
before anyone notices us.
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00:06:13,147 --> 00:06:14,697
(sighs)
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00:06:14,699 --> 00:06:17,450
Too late. It's like we're
in a zombie movie.
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00:06:17,452 --> 00:06:18,584
Seriously.
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00:06:18,586 --> 00:06:19,818
They move at
a slow shuffle,
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00:06:19,820 --> 00:06:21,421
they moan a lot and,
if given the chance,
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00:06:21,422 --> 00:06:22,821
they chew your ear off.
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00:06:22,823 --> 00:06:24,373
But they're family
and I love 'em.
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00:06:24,375 --> 00:06:25,815
Their wisdom is priceless.
(chuckles)
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00:06:27,010 --> 00:06:28,778
"Finally tell
my upstairs neighbor
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00:06:28,780 --> 00:06:31,380
how I've been feeling
all this time."
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00:06:31,382 --> 00:06:32,932
(sighing):
Yeah.
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00:06:33,767 --> 00:06:36,552
Hi. Um, I live
downstairs,
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00:06:36,554 --> 00:06:39,505
and, well, I've always wanted
to say this to you, but...
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00:06:39,507 --> 00:06:41,090
I've never had the guts.
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00:06:41,092 --> 00:06:44,143
So here goes.
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00:06:44,145 --> 00:06:46,595
Are your shoes made of lead?!
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00:06:46,597 --> 00:06:49,732
Because you are the loudest
upstairs neighbor in history!
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00:06:49,734 --> 00:06:52,535
Oh, oh, and you suck
at the bongos! But, hey...
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00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:54,403
(chuckles)
keep practicing!
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00:06:54,405 --> 00:06:55,738
In the middle of the night!
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00:06:55,740 --> 00:06:58,074
Before any important interview
I've ever had!
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00:06:59,376 --> 00:07:02,445
"Come clean about April 26."
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00:07:02,447 --> 00:07:04,997
What happened April 26?
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00:07:04,999 --> 00:07:07,216
Uh...
(chuckles)
196
00:07:07,218 --> 00:07:09,785
Can you believe people used to
actually swim in those things?
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00:07:09,787 --> 00:07:11,370
(old-timey):
"Meet me at Coney Island, see?
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00:07:11,372 --> 00:07:13,923
"I'll be doing the Charleston
atop my giant-wheeled bicycle
199
00:07:13,925 --> 00:07:16,475
in an era where folks
inexplicably talked like this."
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00:07:16,477 --> 00:07:19,595
(chuckles)
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00:07:19,597 --> 00:07:21,614
Ted.
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00:07:23,183 --> 00:07:25,267
Whoa.
(chuckles) Hey.
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00:07:25,269 --> 00:07:27,269
Hey, bud, I was just
about to take, uh,
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00:07:27,271 --> 00:07:29,321
Lily's rehearsal dinner dress
to the dry cleaner.
205
00:07:29,323 --> 00:07:30,573
Oh, that's too bad.
206
00:07:30,575 --> 00:07:33,109
Because, uh, I was just watching
The Princess Bride
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00:07:33,111 --> 00:07:34,893
when something occurred to me.
208
00:07:34,895 --> 00:07:37,663
How, at the end, Andre the Giant
hooks 'em up with those horses
209
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:38,948
and then Inigo Montoya is like,
210
00:07:38,950 --> 00:07:42,585
"Fezzik, you did something
right." And it's like,
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00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:46,172
"Bro, Andre's been doing
stuff right the whole movie:
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00:07:46,174 --> 00:07:48,924
"knocking out serpents,
busting down castle doors,
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00:07:48,926 --> 00:07:51,544
"basically carrying your
revenge-and-sangria-soaked ass,
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00:07:51,546 --> 00:07:53,879
"so instead of being
a patronizing jerk,
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00:07:53,881 --> 00:07:55,514
"how about a simple,
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00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:58,584
'Hey, thanks
for the horses, bro.'"
217
00:07:58,586 --> 00:08:00,803
That's totally
what you were thinking, right?
218
00:08:00,805 --> 00:08:03,722
No, I... No, I came over...
219
00:08:03,724 --> 00:08:05,858
God, that's a really good point.
220
00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,042
Yeah.
221
00:08:07,044 --> 00:08:09,662
But here's my point.
222
00:08:09,664 --> 00:08:11,197
And your point.
223
00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:14,967
(chuckles) Why haven't we done this
in forever?
224
00:08:14,969 --> 00:08:17,603
Ted, you know damn well
why we haven't.
225
00:08:17,605 --> 00:08:21,157
(both grunting)
226
00:08:22,159 --> 00:08:23,159
(shouts)
227
00:08:23,161 --> 00:08:24,877
(Ted and Lily scream)
228
00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:26,212
Sorry, Lily.
Sorry, Lily.
229
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:28,047
I almost killed my wife, Ted!
230
00:08:28,682 --> 00:08:30,449
I almost killed my wife!
231
00:08:30,451 --> 00:08:31,750
I almost...
232
00:08:31,752 --> 00:08:33,719
(both grunting)
233
00:08:33,721 --> 00:08:36,005
Yah!
234
00:08:36,007 --> 00:08:36,972
"Hello!
235
00:08:36,974 --> 00:08:38,340
My name is Inigo Montoya!"
236
00:08:38,342 --> 00:08:39,725
"You killed my father."
237
00:08:39,727 --> 00:08:41,710
"Prepare to die!"
"Prepare to die!"
238
00:08:41,712 --> 00:08:44,513
(both grunting)
239
00:08:48,652 --> 00:08:50,436
TED:
Whoa.
240
00:08:50,438 --> 00:08:53,072
You son of a bitch.
241
00:08:56,332 --> 00:08:59,357
I loved that dress
you cut in half.
242
00:08:59,369 --> 00:09:04,422
It was the perfect combination
of slutty and classy.
243
00:09:04,424 --> 00:09:05,790
Well, what about
your backup dress?
244
00:09:05,792 --> 00:09:08,626
Oh, it's just classy, Ted!
245
00:09:08,628 --> 00:09:09,944
(slurps)
246
00:09:09,946 --> 00:09:12,496
Thank you, Linus.
247
00:09:12,498 --> 00:09:13,848
Look, I'm really sorry.
248
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:15,082
No, it's not good enough.
249
00:09:15,084 --> 00:09:16,300
Since I'm being
250
00:09:16,302 --> 00:09:18,769
forced to wear something
I don't want to,
251
00:09:18,771 --> 00:09:22,506
you should have to wear
something you don't
252
00:09:22,508 --> 00:09:24,442
want to.
253
00:09:27,713 --> 00:09:30,114
Why am I the only one
being punished?
254
00:09:30,116 --> 00:09:32,033
Marshall's just as responsible
for your dress as I am.
255
00:09:32,035 --> 00:09:33,034
Yeah, but he's
256
00:09:33,036 --> 00:09:34,268
in the middle of Wisconsin.
257
00:09:34,270 --> 00:09:36,904
How am I gonna punish...
258
00:09:36,906 --> 00:09:38,906
DAPHNE:
Say cheese!
259
00:09:40,242 --> 00:09:42,443
Go, Pack, go!
260
00:09:46,581 --> 00:09:48,716
(quietly):
I'm sorry, Dad.
261
00:09:48,718 --> 00:09:50,842
There's got to be someplace
to bang around here.
262
00:09:50,867 --> 00:09:51,286
I'm starving.
263
00:09:51,287 --> 00:09:52,470
I knew we should've hit
the buffet when...
264
00:09:52,472 --> 00:09:54,638
(grunts)
Don't say "buffet".
265
00:09:54,640 --> 00:09:56,590
That attracts old people.
Same goes for "coupon,"
266
00:09:56,592 --> 00:09:58,759
"60 Minutes"
and "Mandy Patinkin."
267
00:09:58,761 --> 00:10:00,978
W... Robin,
you're being paranoid.
268
00:10:00,980 --> 00:10:02,963
Old people don't magically
sense it
269
00:10:02,965 --> 00:10:05,466
when you say "Mandy Patinkin."
270
00:10:05,468 --> 00:10:08,819
(echoing whisper):
Patinkin...
271
00:10:08,821 --> 00:10:10,071
Quick, the ice machine room.
272
00:10:10,073 --> 00:10:12,106
It's too cold for them in there.
Oh.
273
00:10:15,744 --> 00:10:17,445
I'll protect you, Robin.
274
00:10:17,447 --> 00:10:19,914
You'll always be safe with me.
275
00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:22,816
(screams)
Take her!
276
00:10:24,152 --> 00:10:26,620
You bitches best get out
of my hiding spot.
277
00:10:26,622 --> 00:10:29,423
The only thing not checked off
on this list is
278
00:10:29,425 --> 00:10:32,593
"scotch with Barney."
That's the easiest one on here.
279
00:10:32,595 --> 00:10:34,929
You are avoiding him.
280
00:10:34,931 --> 00:10:36,881
I'm not. We've both been busy.
281
00:10:36,883 --> 00:10:39,400
Besides, Marshall and I
are saving that scotch
282
00:10:39,402 --> 00:10:41,402
to have a drink with Barney
before the rehearsal dinner.
283
00:10:41,404 --> 00:10:44,855
Because it's not just
any bottle.
284
00:10:44,857 --> 00:10:48,225
It's a $600
Glen McKenna 30-year.
285
00:10:48,227 --> 00:10:51,395
NARRATOR: What I didn't knowat the time was...
286
00:10:51,397 --> 00:10:56,150
I told those idiots these
death rods are not welcome here.
287
00:10:56,152 --> 00:10:59,403
What is it with
dudes and swords?
288
00:10:59,405 --> 00:11:01,355
Oh, this is fun.
289
00:11:01,357 --> 00:11:04,742
Oh, yeah, and it's so cool
when I go like this.
290
00:11:09,464 --> 00:11:11,749
Hi. My name is Rodrigo DeGoya.
291
00:11:11,751 --> 00:11:12,883
You killed someone I love!
292
00:11:12,885 --> 00:11:14,668
Prepare to dance!
293
00:11:14,670 --> 00:11:18,705
NARRATOR: Yes, kids, that's what yourAunt Lily thought the line was.
294
00:11:18,707 --> 00:11:19,723
(growls)
295
00:11:19,725 --> 00:11:21,592
Ha! Whoo!
296
00:11:21,594 --> 00:11:23,727
(both grunting)
297
00:11:23,729 --> 00:11:26,097
Ha!
298
00:11:26,099 --> 00:11:27,815
(both gasp)
299
00:11:27,817 --> 00:11:30,668
We'll switch it with this
cheap bottle of whiskey.
300
00:11:30,670 --> 00:11:32,420
You peel the label
off the Glen McKenna.
301
00:11:32,422 --> 00:11:33,521
On it!
302
00:11:33,523 --> 00:11:35,489
Then we'll pour the... Robin!
303
00:11:35,491 --> 00:11:36,974
Damn, that's smooth.
304
00:11:36,976 --> 00:11:39,660
Pour it into
the other bottle!
305
00:11:44,032 --> 00:11:46,867
Wait. The color's
not dark enough.
306
00:11:53,241 --> 00:11:54,241
Still not right.
307
00:11:54,243 --> 00:11:56,377
I think it was a little redder.
Mm-hmm.
308
00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:04,435
Okay, now
the consistency's off.
309
00:12:06,721 --> 00:12:08,772
(sighs)
310
00:12:08,774 --> 00:12:10,774
Yeah.
311
00:12:10,776 --> 00:12:12,693
Looks good.
312
00:12:12,695 --> 00:12:15,312
I mean, look at the color.
313
00:12:15,314 --> 00:12:18,199
It's almost
chocolaty in its richness.
314
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,451
The reddish hue.
315
00:12:21,319 --> 00:12:23,704
Something that looks
sort of clumpy.
316
00:12:23,706 --> 00:12:25,156
Oh, yeah, I-I read about that.
317
00:12:25,158 --> 00:12:30,077
Isn't the Highland region
known for its clumps?
318
00:12:30,079 --> 00:12:31,996
Thanks, Lily.
319
00:12:31,998 --> 00:12:35,115
I'm very aware
of the Highland Clumps.
320
00:12:35,117 --> 00:12:37,384
You know what?
I think I'm gonna sneak a taste.
321
00:12:37,386 --> 00:12:40,721
What? But-but Marshall's
not even here yet!
322
00:12:40,723 --> 00:12:43,891
Ah, a quick nip won't hurt.
323
00:12:46,545 --> 00:12:49,096
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!
324
00:12:49,098 --> 00:12:51,315
(sniffs)
325
00:13:03,144 --> 00:13:04,862
She's breathtaking.
326
00:13:05,997 --> 00:13:07,364
You avoiding
the family, too?
327
00:13:07,366 --> 00:13:11,252
I'm gay, I'm black,
and I'm getting a divorce.
328
00:13:11,254 --> 00:13:13,654
Those walking skeletons are
gonna have more questions for me
329
00:13:13,656 --> 00:13:15,673
than their pharmacist.
(chuckles)
330
00:13:15,675 --> 00:13:17,725
But they're family
and I love 'em.
331
00:13:17,727 --> 00:13:19,009
The greatest generation.
332
00:13:19,011 --> 00:13:20,995
Smother me before
I'm that age. (laughs)
333
00:13:20,997 --> 00:13:22,213
What are you two doing?
334
00:13:22,215 --> 00:13:23,347
Oh, we're trying
to do it
335
00:13:23,349 --> 00:13:25,065
someplace naughty.
(gasps)
336
00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:25,999
Not what I mean!
337
00:13:26,001 --> 00:13:27,434
That-that is never
what I mean!
338
00:13:27,436 --> 00:13:28,469
(sighs)
339
00:13:28,471 --> 00:13:30,387
We're trying to sneak in
one last bang
340
00:13:30,389 --> 00:13:32,439
'cause we're afraid
that the magic
341
00:13:32,441 --> 00:13:34,725
might fade
after we get married.
342
00:13:34,727 --> 00:13:36,060
Are we being crazy?
343
00:13:36,062 --> 00:13:38,479
That is what happened
with me and Tom.
344
00:13:39,981 --> 00:13:42,366
But it doesn't mean
it's gonna happen to you.
345
00:13:42,368 --> 00:13:43,400
I won't let it.
346
00:13:43,402 --> 00:13:46,036
Whoa-whoa, you can't
go out there.
347
00:13:46,038 --> 00:13:47,371
It's suicide.
348
00:13:47,373 --> 00:13:49,623
Consider it
your early wedding gift.
349
00:13:54,162 --> 00:13:56,697
Why does the brother
always die first?
350
00:13:58,216 --> 00:13:59,967
Aunt Muriel!
351
00:14:07,392 --> 00:14:09,476
Aunt Muriel!
352
00:14:11,596 --> 00:14:12,563
Aunt Muriel?
353
00:14:12,565 --> 00:14:13,597
James!
354
00:14:13,599 --> 00:14:14,565
Where's Tom?
355
00:14:14,567 --> 00:14:16,100
I have a gay question for you.
356
00:14:16,102 --> 00:14:19,520
How do you decide
which one...?
357
00:14:19,522 --> 00:14:20,721
No, no...
358
00:14:20,723 --> 00:14:22,889
No!
He's gone, Barney. He's gone.
359
00:14:22,891 --> 00:14:24,074
James!
360
00:14:27,495 --> 00:14:28,929
Okay, you go check out
361
00:14:28,931 --> 00:14:30,564
the second floor
for open rooms.
362
00:14:30,566 --> 00:14:32,249
I'm gonna go
check out the gym.
363
00:14:32,251 --> 00:14:34,001
No, no, no, that
gym has a sauna!
364
00:14:34,003 --> 00:14:36,754
You know my Papa Sid can't go
ten minutes without a schvitz!
365
00:14:36,756 --> 00:14:37,888
What about the
gazebo out back?
366
00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:39,206
Next to the lawn bowling court?
367
00:14:39,208 --> 00:14:40,624
Get your head out of your ass.
368
00:14:40,626 --> 00:14:42,676
It looks like they're casting
Cocoon Three out there.
369
00:14:42,678 --> 00:14:44,378
Oh, what about
the business center?
370
00:14:44,380 --> 00:14:46,580
A room full of computers?
That's perfect.
371
00:14:46,582 --> 00:14:47,892
Technology is their
372
00:14:47,917 --> 00:14:50,250
compression-sock-covered
Achilles Heel!
373
00:14:51,252 --> 00:14:52,936
Whoa.
What?
374
00:14:52,938 --> 00:14:54,972
Stay safe, R-Train.
You too, B-Nasty.
375
00:14:54,974 --> 00:14:56,106
Mmm...
Mmm...
376
00:14:56,108 --> 00:14:57,274
Ah!
377
00:14:58,310 --> 00:15:00,427
Ooh, my, I found Waldo.
378
00:15:00,429 --> 00:15:02,062
(laughs)
379
00:15:03,548 --> 00:15:05,382
What's this list?
380
00:15:09,512 --> 00:15:10,713
Whose is this?
381
00:15:11,876 --> 00:15:13,761
NARRATOR:
I was faced with a tough call:
382
00:15:13,762 --> 00:15:15,128
come clean about Chicago
383
00:15:15,130 --> 00:15:17,663
or cleverly lie my wayout of it.
384
00:15:17,665 --> 00:15:21,267
Oh, well, you see...
385
00:15:21,269 --> 00:15:22,735
mouth words...
386
00:15:22,737 --> 00:15:23,770
memory times...
387
00:15:23,772 --> 00:15:25,705
It's mine. It's my list.
388
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:28,591
It's everything I want to do
before I go to Italy.
389
00:15:28,593 --> 00:15:31,994
Oh. You want to say good-bye
to the Empire State Building?
390
00:15:33,180 --> 00:15:36,265
Sometimes I go
and I talk to Empy.
391
00:15:36,267 --> 00:15:37,250
That's kind of weird.
392
00:15:37,252 --> 00:15:38,667
Is "weird" the right word?
393
00:15:38,669 --> 00:15:40,336
Seems pretty
reasonable to me.
394
00:15:40,338 --> 00:15:42,555
Maybe even kind of cool.
395
00:15:42,557 --> 00:15:45,024
"Have a drink
with my favorite students."
396
00:15:45,026 --> 00:15:46,843
Lily, you taught kindergarten.
397
00:15:46,845 --> 00:15:49,395
That does seem
pretty irresponsible.
398
00:15:49,397 --> 00:15:52,148
"Come clean about April 26."
399
00:15:52,150 --> 00:15:54,300
You told Ted
about our sword fight?
400
00:15:54,302 --> 00:15:56,035
Wait-- you-you guys
had a sword fight?
401
00:15:56,037 --> 00:15:57,103
Maybe a tiny one.
402
00:15:57,105 --> 00:15:59,572
I was pretending
to be Mandy Patinkin.
403
00:15:59,574 --> 00:16:02,191
(echoing whisper):
Patinkin.
404
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:11,033
But it was no big deal.
405
00:16:11,035 --> 00:16:12,335
No big deal?
406
00:16:12,337 --> 00:16:14,537
We destroyed
their 30-year Glen McKenna
407
00:16:14,539 --> 00:16:16,806
and replaced it with cheap
booze, ketchup and hand sanny.
408
00:16:16,808 --> 00:16:17,807
I knew it!
409
00:16:17,809 --> 00:16:18,808
You knew nothing!
410
00:16:18,810 --> 00:16:19,892
(phone rings)
411
00:16:19,894 --> 00:16:21,828
Hello.
412
00:16:21,830 --> 00:16:24,430
The third floor's a ghost town,
tons of empty rooms to bang in.
413
00:16:24,432 --> 00:16:25,731
Hurry. I've started without you.
414
00:16:25,733 --> 00:16:27,400
I mean, I love you.
415
00:16:27,402 --> 00:16:28,367
Got to go.
416
00:16:28,369 --> 00:16:30,186
Bye.
417
00:16:31,572 --> 00:16:32,555
(sighs)
418
00:16:32,557 --> 00:16:33,556
We made it.
419
00:16:33,558 --> 00:16:34,557
(both laugh)
420
00:16:34,559 --> 00:16:36,359
(both moaning)
421
00:16:36,361 --> 00:16:38,327
MURIEL:
Remind me to put
422
00:16:38,329 --> 00:16:41,781
a five-dollar bill in
Barney's wedding card,
423
00:16:41,783 --> 00:16:44,033
you know,
to get 'em started.
424
00:16:45,202 --> 00:16:47,537
(giggles)
425
00:16:47,539 --> 00:16:48,737
(chuckles)
426
00:16:48,739 --> 00:16:50,289
MAN:
No, Elizabeth.
427
00:16:50,291 --> 00:16:52,575
Leave the dentures in.
428
00:16:52,577 --> 00:16:54,177
WOMAN:
Mmm!
429
00:16:55,546 --> 00:16:57,580
BOTH:
I never want to have sex again.
430
00:16:57,582 --> 00:16:59,432
Aw.
431
00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:01,133
(groans)
432
00:17:01,135 --> 00:17:04,053
They broke our $600
bottle of scotch?
433
00:17:04,055 --> 00:17:07,190
Well, I'm not wearing
this abomination anymore.
434
00:17:09,276 --> 00:17:11,460
Put it back on.
435
00:17:20,153 --> 00:17:23,656
I can't believe my great-
grandparents still do that.
436
00:17:23,658 --> 00:17:25,208
I never imagined
a walker being used
437
00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,543
for anything
other than walking.
438
00:17:27,545 --> 00:17:30,296
Plus, how about those balls
dragging all over the ground?
439
00:17:30,298 --> 00:17:31,447
Barney.
440
00:17:31,449 --> 00:17:34,783
No, the tennis balls
on the bottom of the walker.
441
00:17:34,785 --> 00:17:36,419
Oh.
442
00:17:36,421 --> 00:17:40,673
Plus, his testicles were
swinging like a broken yo-yo.
443
00:17:40,675 --> 00:17:42,925
Still, when you
think about it:
444
00:17:42,927 --> 00:17:44,310
married for 60 years
445
00:17:44,312 --> 00:17:46,145
and they still want to
jump each other's bones.
446
00:17:46,147 --> 00:17:50,566
I mean... it's
kind of sweet.
447
00:17:50,568 --> 00:17:53,469
In 60 years,
that'll be us, right?
448
00:17:53,471 --> 00:17:56,489
Yeah, it will.
449
00:17:57,324 --> 00:17:59,659
(both chuckle)
450
00:17:59,661 --> 00:18:01,661
So, what do you think, hmm?
451
00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,329
On the count of three?
452
00:18:03,331 --> 00:18:04,497
Hmm, okay.
453
00:18:04,499 --> 00:18:05,865
Okay.
454
00:18:05,867 --> 00:18:09,085
BOTH:
One, two, three.
455
00:18:09,087 --> 00:18:11,254
Mandy Patinkin.
456
00:18:13,290 --> 00:18:15,041
Oh, wow.
Look at you.
457
00:18:15,043 --> 00:18:16,642
Thank you for
making it...
458
00:18:16,644 --> 00:18:18,511
We got lucky.
459
00:18:18,513 --> 00:18:22,298
The Farhampton Liquor Store
is actually pretty high-end.
460
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:22,872
Oh.
461
00:18:22,897 --> 00:18:25,289
And their security
is a total joke.
462
00:18:27,721 --> 00:18:29,305
Thanks.
463
00:18:30,340 --> 00:18:33,609
And thanks for not telling Robin
the list was mine.
464
00:18:34,511 --> 00:18:35,645
But I don't get it.
465
00:18:35,647 --> 00:18:36,979
You're so against me moving.
466
00:18:36,981 --> 00:18:38,464
Why'd you help me out?
467
00:18:38,466 --> 00:18:39,482
(sighs)
468
00:18:39,484 --> 00:18:43,202
For a guy who loves New York
this much,
469
00:18:43,204 --> 00:18:48,207
to leave it,
you must really need to go, huh?
470
00:18:48,209 --> 00:18:51,577
Yeah, I really do.
471
00:18:51,579 --> 00:18:55,998
Okay, but there's still
one item left on this list.
472
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,249
Time to check it off.
473
00:18:57,251 --> 00:18:58,467
Yeah, I should
probably wait
474
00:18:58,469 --> 00:18:59,769
for Marshall.
475
00:18:59,771 --> 00:19:03,005
Well, we both know
he may not get here in time.
476
00:19:04,007 --> 00:19:06,592
Be honest.
477
00:19:06,594 --> 00:19:08,794
Have you been avoiding Barney?
478
00:19:10,180 --> 00:19:12,081
Maybe a little.
479
00:19:12,083 --> 00:19:15,751
This is the biggest weekend
of his life,
480
00:19:15,753 --> 00:19:17,536
and you're his best bro.
481
00:19:18,238 --> 00:19:20,573
No matter how awkward you feel,
482
00:19:20,575 --> 00:19:25,728
i-if you're not there for him,
you will always regret it.
483
00:19:28,398 --> 00:19:30,032
Okay.
484
00:19:30,034 --> 00:19:32,101
Hey, Ted.
Yeah.
485
00:19:33,170 --> 00:19:37,106
You wrote down all these things
to say good-bye to,
486
00:19:37,108 --> 00:19:40,426
but so many of them
are good things.
487
00:19:41,278 --> 00:19:42,628
Why not just...
488
00:19:42,630 --> 00:19:44,930
say good-bye
to the bad things?
489
00:19:45,966 --> 00:19:49,418
Say good-bye to all the timesyou felt lost.
490
00:19:50,420 --> 00:19:51,987
To all the times
491
00:19:51,989 --> 00:19:55,257
it was a no instead of a yes.
492
00:19:56,560 --> 00:20:00,029
To all the scrapes and bruises,
493
00:20:00,031 --> 00:20:01,814
to all the heartache.
494
00:20:01,816 --> 00:20:05,034
Say good-bye to everythingyou really want
495
00:20:05,036 --> 00:20:07,853
to do for the last time,
496
00:20:07,855 --> 00:20:11,540
but don't go have
one last scotch with Barney.
497
00:20:11,542 --> 00:20:15,628
Have the first scotch
toasting Barney's new life
498
00:20:15,630 --> 00:20:16,679
because that's
a good thing,
499
00:20:16,681 --> 00:20:18,831
and the good things
500
00:20:18,833 --> 00:20:21,634
will always be here
waiting for you.
501
00:20:23,670 --> 00:20:24,820
What?
502
00:20:24,822 --> 00:20:27,289
Turn the page.
503
00:20:29,976 --> 00:20:33,345
"Get one last life lecture
from Lily."
504
00:20:33,947 --> 00:20:35,130
Well, you're dreaming
505
00:20:35,132 --> 00:20:37,316
if you think
that's the last one of those.
506
00:20:39,186 --> 00:20:41,353
(sighs)
507
00:20:52,115 --> 00:20:53,716
Ah.
508
00:20:53,718 --> 00:20:55,668
Been waiting for the
perfect time for this,
509
00:20:55,670 --> 00:20:57,169
and, my friend,
that time is...
510
00:20:57,171 --> 00:20:58,871
I saw you and Robin
at the carousel.
511
00:20:58,873 --> 00:21:03,873
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
@elder_man
35636
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