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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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NARRATOR: Kids, this a story aboutthe time your Uncle Marshall
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00:00:04,644 --> 00:00:07,530
went before the New York StateJudiciary Committee,
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a panel that would decidethe fate of his career.
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He thought he'd openwith an icebreaker.
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By the way, did I mention
those robes really do you all...
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justice?
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I'm just saying
that you're all guilty...
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00:00:23,113 --> 00:00:25,080
of looking sharp.
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Mr. Eriksen, please.
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00:00:26,150 --> 00:00:27,249
You're here to discuss
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00:00:27,251 --> 00:00:29,117
your conduct in court
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00:00:29,119 --> 00:00:32,388
during the week
of November 19, 2012.
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Of course, Your Honor.
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It all
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started when...
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a so-called friendfrom law school
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conned me into believing
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that he needed my helpgetting a job,
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00:00:40,681 --> 00:00:43,315
when in reality,he stole my firm's strategy
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for our upcoming trial against
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Gruber Pharmaceuticals, who'dbeen polluting a lake upstate.
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Turns out,he was representing Gruber.
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Win this case
or you're fired, Eriksen.
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How could you trick me
like that?
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This is the biggest trial
in my career.
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Mine too, brobeans.
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When I win this trial,
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I'm gonna buy a new car.
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Thinking Lambo.
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Awesome. I mean, no!
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What happened to you?
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You used to be, like,
the nicest guy ever.
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We were bros.
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More than bros.
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We ate brunch together.
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And I'll always cherish that.
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But after Kara
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broke my heart again
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for the millionth time,
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I said screw being nice,
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suited up and started lying
to get what I want.
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That does happen.
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But you used to want to fight
for the little guy.
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Little guys pay
with little checks.
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But... you already know that.
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You're in
environmental law.
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Marshall, you have a kid.
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How are you
gonna provide
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for the little dude's futche?
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I'm worried
about Planet Earth's futche!
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That's why
I'm gonna
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kick your ass in this trial.
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Sure, you may have swiped our
entire strategy for this case,
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00:01:43,995 --> 00:01:45,961
but I still got
some tricks up my sleeve
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00:01:45,963 --> 00:01:48,213
that you know
absolutely nothing about.
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Really?
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No.
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♪ How I Met Your Mother 8x08 ♪
Twelve Horny Women
Original Air Date on November 26, 2012
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== sync, corrected by elderman ==
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00:02:03,346 --> 00:02:05,597
NARRATOR: Kids, Robin and Barneyhad recently shared
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an awkward moment.
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Whoa, whoa.
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00:02:08,352 --> 00:02:12,354
After that, they did what anytwo mature adults would do:
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Hey!
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Hey!
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How are you?
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Great. You?
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Good, so good.
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Oh, great. Good to see you!
You, too!
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They pretendedit never happened.
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All right, guys,
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this is the biggest case
of Marshall's career.
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That is why it's so great
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00:02:23,367 --> 00:02:25,084
that we all called in sick
to work tomorrow,
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so we could be in that
courtroom to support him.
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I didn't call in sick.
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I called in
for all of us.
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Uh, I have strep throat.
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Robin, bronchitis.
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Barney, massive
hemorrhoids.
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Why'd you have
to say "massive"?
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Well, if you're gonna
miss work for hemorrhoids,
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they kind of have
to be massive.
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I don't want to sit
in a courtroom all day.
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I bet you don't want to sit
anywhere with those hemorrhoids.
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I don't have... Shut up.
(chuckles)
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Look, you guys
wouldn't understand,
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but when you have a rap sheet
as long as mine,
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the last place
you want to spend
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00:02:50,778 --> 00:02:51,760
a day is in court.
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Rap sheet?
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That's right.
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00:02:54,699 --> 00:02:56,665
When I was a teenager, Lily,
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I was a total badass.
Pfft.
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You want to talk
about teenage badasses?
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00:03:01,271 --> 00:03:04,390
I was like John Gotti
in a training bra.
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(laughing)
I'm serious.
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In high school, before
I started dating Scooter,
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even he was afraid of me.
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(whistling "The Farmer
in the Dell")
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Lily coming!
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Lily coming!
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You look okay.
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Want to hang out?
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00:03:31,402 --> 00:03:33,786
Uh, my mom says I'm only allowed
three friends, so...
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00:03:33,788 --> 00:03:36,688
Your mom don't make the rules
no more, Scooter.
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00:03:36,690 --> 00:03:38,107
My name's Jeff.
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Not no more it ain't.
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The one part of
that story I believe
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is that Scooter only
had three friends.
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TED: Ah!
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Here he is.
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00:03:47,985 --> 00:03:49,218
The pride of St. Cloud,
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00:03:49,220 --> 00:03:50,419
the environmental lawyer
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00:03:50,421 --> 00:03:51,620
we've come
to know and love.
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00:03:51,622 --> 00:03:52,921
He's mean. He's green.
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He's not wearing the tie
I bought him for the trial,
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00:03:54,508 --> 00:03:55,841
but I'm not gonna
mention it...
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00:03:55,843 --> 00:03:59,128
Marshall "I Was Gonna
Say 'Nice Tie'" Eriksen!
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(cheers)
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ROBIN: How you feeling,
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00:04:01,331 --> 00:04:02,664
Counselor?
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00:04:02,666 --> 00:04:03,882
Well, uh, I mean,
at first
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00:04:03,884 --> 00:04:05,300
that Brad thing
had me rattled,
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00:04:05,302 --> 00:04:06,969
but now I feel
pretty good.
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00:04:06,971 --> 00:04:08,303
I mean, for one thing,
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00:04:08,305 --> 00:04:10,172
I don't have massive
hemorrhoids. Sorry, buddy.
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00:04:10,174 --> 00:04:11,023
I don't have ma...
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00:04:11,025 --> 00:04:12,474
And more importantly,
unlike Brad,
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00:04:12,476 --> 00:04:15,010
I actually have something
to fight for.
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00:04:15,012 --> 00:04:17,146
Pop, because of
your precedent-setting
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00:04:17,148 --> 00:04:18,847
legal victory 14 years ago,
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00:04:18,849 --> 00:04:20,699
kids like me can fish
in clean lakes
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00:04:20,701 --> 00:04:22,868
all over the world.
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00:04:22,870 --> 00:04:24,903
They sure can, champ.
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00:04:24,905 --> 00:04:27,956
Because when you
do one good deed...
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00:04:27,958 --> 00:04:29,541
(smacks lips)
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00:04:31,578 --> 00:04:32,961
...it creates
a ripple effect.
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00:04:32,963 --> 00:04:35,164
One good deed
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00:04:35,166 --> 00:04:37,916
leads to another and another.
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00:04:37,918 --> 00:04:40,869
Man, you're wise.
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00:04:40,871 --> 00:04:43,205
That's probably why I never
have felt the need to do drugs
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00:04:43,207 --> 00:04:44,556
or rebel in any way.
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00:04:44,558 --> 00:04:46,725
(laughs)
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00:04:48,178 --> 00:04:50,212
Anyhoo...
(sighs)
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00:04:50,214 --> 00:04:53,065
NARRATOR: The next day, we all headeddown to court
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00:04:53,067 --> 00:04:54,850
to support Uncle Marshall.
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00:04:54,852 --> 00:04:56,251
Yeah.
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00:04:56,253 --> 00:04:58,487
Want to know what
I looked like at age 15?
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00:04:58,489 --> 00:04:59,771
There it is.
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00:04:59,773 --> 00:05:01,607
I don't get it.
That guy wasn't masturbating.
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00:05:01,609 --> 00:05:03,659
Yeah, and the waistband
of his undies wasn't pulled up
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00:05:03,661 --> 00:05:06,161
to his Cub Scouts neckerchief.
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00:05:06,163 --> 00:05:07,062
(chuckling)
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00:05:07,064 --> 00:05:08,363
LILY:
Ted,
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00:05:08,365 --> 00:05:10,199
you were never a badass.
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00:05:10,201 --> 00:05:11,233
Au contraire.
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00:05:11,235 --> 00:05:12,618
Off to a good start...
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00:05:12,620 --> 00:05:13,619
I was locked up
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00:05:13,621 --> 00:05:15,403
plenty of times
as a teenager.
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00:05:15,405 --> 00:05:16,421
Let's just say
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00:05:16,423 --> 00:05:18,373
Johnny Law was not a fan
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00:05:18,375 --> 00:05:20,292
of Teddy Westside.
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00:05:20,294 --> 00:05:22,261
Make sure you get
my good side...
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00:05:22,263 --> 00:05:24,463
Princess.
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00:05:25,381 --> 00:05:27,416
(camera shutter clicks)
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00:05:27,418 --> 00:05:28,583
You guys want to talk
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00:05:28,585 --> 00:05:30,702
about hassling
the fuzz?
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00:05:30,704 --> 00:05:32,888
Finish that, Scoots.
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00:05:33,690 --> 00:05:35,090
Okay,
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00:05:35,092 --> 00:05:36,725
let's see some IDs.
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00:05:36,727 --> 00:05:39,111
Scooter, do you
smell bacon?
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00:05:39,113 --> 00:05:40,896
(laughs sinisterly)
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00:05:40,898 --> 00:05:42,281
Laugh, bitch.
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00:05:42,283 --> 00:05:43,532
Ha!
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00:05:43,534 --> 00:05:44,599
Ha ha!
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00:05:44,601 --> 00:05:46,435
ID now, both of you.
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00:05:46,437 --> 00:05:48,603
(sighs)
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00:05:49,438 --> 00:05:50,405
Which one of you
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00:05:50,407 --> 00:05:51,790
is Yuki Hakutani?
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00:05:51,792 --> 00:05:53,608
Right here.
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00:05:53,610 --> 00:05:57,246
So, Yuki, you're 6'1"
and you were born in 1947?
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00:05:57,248 --> 00:06:00,115
Congratulations.
You can read.
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00:06:01,301 --> 00:06:03,635
(screaming)
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00:06:04,470 --> 00:06:06,505
Barney Stinson?
186
00:06:06,507 --> 00:06:09,558
Well, if it isn't
Warren Frankel.
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00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:10,726
Bailiff
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00:06:10,728 --> 00:06:11,977
Warren Frankel,
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00:06:11,979 --> 00:06:14,429
who knows me.
FRANKEL: You know,
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00:06:14,431 --> 00:06:16,398
I almost didn't recognize you
without handcuffs on.
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00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:18,517
Yeah, I've matured quite
a bit since the old days.
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00:06:18,519 --> 00:06:20,468
The only time I'm wearing
handcuffs now is, uh,
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00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:21,570
in the bedroom.
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00:06:21,572 --> 00:06:23,471
Bondage. I get it.
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00:06:23,473 --> 00:06:24,656
Well,
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00:06:24,658 --> 00:06:25,941
I have to run.
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00:06:25,943 --> 00:06:27,192
Stay out of trouble.
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00:06:27,194 --> 00:06:29,111
(chuckles)
199
00:06:29,946 --> 00:06:32,147
Badass.
200
00:06:33,166 --> 00:06:36,685
In summary, I will prove
that Gruber Pharmaceuticals
201
00:06:36,687 --> 00:06:39,788
wantonly and knowingly
polluted Frog Lake
202
00:06:39,790 --> 00:06:42,674
and therefore must pay
restitution of no less
203
00:06:42,676 --> 00:06:45,344
than $25 million.
204
00:06:45,346 --> 00:06:47,329
Thank you.
205
00:06:49,665 --> 00:06:51,183
How's this for a fact:
206
00:06:51,185 --> 00:06:52,968
Frog Lake is home
207
00:06:52,970 --> 00:06:55,304
to a buttload of frogs
and birds.
208
00:06:56,389 --> 00:06:57,672
If it's so polluted,
209
00:06:57,674 --> 00:07:00,058
why don't all those birds fly
to a cleaner lake?
210
00:07:00,060 --> 00:07:02,561
And why don't the frogs
just be like,
211
00:07:02,563 --> 00:07:05,314
"Hey, birds, can I catch
a ride, ribbit?"
212
00:07:05,316 --> 00:07:08,317
(quietly): Marshall's gonna wipe
the floor with this ding-dong.
213
00:07:09,202 --> 00:07:10,518
Oops.
214
00:07:10,520 --> 00:07:12,187
I seem to have dropped my pen.
215
00:07:22,749 --> 00:07:23,865
Objection, Your Honor.
216
00:07:23,867 --> 00:07:26,084
Nobody needs this long
to pick up a pen.
217
00:07:26,086 --> 00:07:29,371
I'll allow it.
218
00:07:33,452 --> 00:07:36,585
The biggest case of my life
and I'd already lost the jury.
219
00:07:36,906 --> 00:07:37,905
I mean,
220
00:07:37,907 --> 00:07:40,858
I've heard of Twelve Angry Men,
221
00:07:40,860 --> 00:07:44,028
but this was more
like Twelve Horny Women.
222
00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:45,363
Stay on topic.
223
00:07:46,115 --> 00:07:48,116
I can't compete
with Brad.
224
00:07:48,118 --> 00:07:49,817
The jury is
in love with him.
225
00:07:49,819 --> 00:07:52,537
During recess, one of those
ladies raced across the hall
226
00:07:52,539 --> 00:07:54,738
to see if she could
get a divorce.
227
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:56,707
And I'm pretty sure
there was some funny business
228
00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:59,577
going on under
that judge's robe.
229
00:07:59,579 --> 00:08:01,329
What you guys saw
Brad do was nothing.
230
00:08:01,331 --> 00:08:03,681
He's taken it to a
whole other level.
231
00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:05,183
Ladies and...
232
00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:08,052
ladies of the jury,
233
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:09,753
I'm sorry if I seem down.
234
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:10,771
My girlfriend
235
00:08:10,773 --> 00:08:12,256
Kara...
236
00:08:12,258 --> 00:08:14,192
broke up with me last night.
237
00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:15,776
JURY:
Aww...
238
00:08:15,778 --> 00:08:17,928
She said I listen too much,
239
00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:19,981
whatever that means.
240
00:08:19,983 --> 00:08:21,649
JURY:
Aww...
Aww...
241
00:08:22,484 --> 00:08:25,570
Can you believe this guy?
242
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:29,991
Really?
243
00:08:30,909 --> 00:08:32,426
Do I even want to see
what I look like?
244
00:08:36,131 --> 00:08:38,049
Wow.
245
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:40,117
That's, like, super mean.
246
00:08:41,086 --> 00:08:44,788
Next, Brad brought out
his "expert witness."
247
00:08:44,790 --> 00:08:47,725
So, Dr. Bedrosian,
you're saying
248
00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:51,028
that even if Gruber
Pharmaceuticals'
249
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:55,016
industry-leading drugs
somehow seeped into Frog Lake,
250
00:08:55,018 --> 00:08:58,152
they could actually be
helping the otter population
251
00:08:58,154 --> 00:09:00,521
grow thicker coats of fur?
252
00:09:01,290 --> 00:09:03,241
Absolutely.
253
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:05,193
And for the older
birds, who...
254
00:09:05,195 --> 00:09:08,613
maybe don't perform as well
in the bedroom as they used to,
255
00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:10,498
could actually
be having
256
00:09:10,500 --> 00:09:12,149
healthier sex lives?
257
00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:14,368
In my expert opinion...
258
00:09:14,370 --> 00:09:15,536
yes...?
259
00:09:16,371 --> 00:09:17,821
Yes.
260
00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:19,707
So Gruber...
261
00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:22,026
is giving these animals
free medicine.
262
00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:26,731
Medicine that you or I would
have to pay a fortune for if...
263
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,883
we needed help
in the bedroom...
264
00:09:28,885 --> 00:09:30,218
which I don't.
265
00:09:30,220 --> 00:09:31,936
(jury giggling)
266
00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:35,339
You're so bad.
(chuckles)
267
00:09:35,341 --> 00:09:36,557
But I realized,
268
00:09:36,559 --> 00:09:40,144
if Brad could call a quack
as his star witness,
269
00:09:40,146 --> 00:09:42,647
then so could I.
270
00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:45,650
You'll get that in a second.
271
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:47,151
(duckling peeping)
Meet Paddles,
272
00:09:47,153 --> 00:09:48,619
the duckling.
273
00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:49,203
"Quack."
274
00:09:49,205 --> 00:09:50,238
Continue.
275
00:09:51,073 --> 00:09:52,690
Little Paddles here just spent
276
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:54,858
three months being nursed
back to health.
277
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,494
Why?
278
00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:58,496
Well, because he was found
in Frog Lake
279
00:09:58,498 --> 00:10:01,865
suffering
from acute dermatitis...
280
00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:03,134
(jury gasps)
281
00:10:03,136 --> 00:10:06,637
...a painful full-body rash,
caused by who?
282
00:10:06,639 --> 00:10:08,839
Gruber Pharmaceuticals.
283
00:10:08,841 --> 00:10:10,224
(jury gasps)
284
00:10:10,226 --> 00:10:11,892
For a brief, shining moment,
285
00:10:11,894 --> 00:10:14,562
it looked like I might
just win this thing.
286
00:10:14,564 --> 00:10:15,980
But then...
287
00:10:15,982 --> 00:10:20,084
I took a field trip to this
so-called "polluted" lake.
288
00:10:20,086 --> 00:10:21,485
If you'll indulge me,
289
00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:24,238
I'd like to share my experience.
290
00:10:24,240 --> 00:10:28,109
(sultry saxophone playing)
BRAD: Frog Lake.
291
00:10:28,111 --> 00:10:30,561
Behold...
292
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,613
nature's beauty.
293
00:10:33,949 --> 00:10:35,449
Polluted?
294
00:10:35,451 --> 00:10:37,418
Polluted with good times.
295
00:10:37,420 --> 00:10:40,087
♪
296
00:10:42,174 --> 00:10:44,759
♪ WOMAN (sensuously):
Frog... Lake.
297
00:10:44,761 --> 00:10:47,745
♪
298
00:10:51,850 --> 00:10:54,051
♪
299
00:10:59,191 --> 00:11:00,641
♪
300
00:11:00,643 --> 00:11:01,942
Frog Lake.
301
00:11:01,944 --> 00:11:03,110
Come on in.
302
00:11:03,112 --> 00:11:05,046
The water's fine.
303
00:11:05,897 --> 00:11:07,431
(bell dings)
304
00:11:11,203 --> 00:11:14,104
I shot and edited that myself.
(quiet laugh)
305
00:11:14,106 --> 00:11:17,591
Yep, I edit stuff, too.
306
00:11:18,994 --> 00:11:21,595
Sorry, Ms. Aldrin, there's no
rap sheet under your name.
307
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:24,465
Oh, y-you know what,
it must be under
308
00:11:24,467 --> 00:11:27,084
my street tag: Number One Gunna.
309
00:11:27,086 --> 00:11:29,920
Nope. Sorry,
Number One Gunna.
310
00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:31,455
Next!
311
00:11:32,457 --> 00:11:35,959
Those jive-ass turkeys
must've lost it.
312
00:11:35,961 --> 00:11:37,127
Well, they're
pretty swamped
313
00:11:37,129 --> 00:11:38,813
arresting 1970s pimps
like yourself.
314
00:11:38,815 --> 00:11:40,848
Lily, let it go.
315
00:11:40,850 --> 00:11:43,267
I didn't want to brag,
but I think
316
00:11:43,269 --> 00:11:44,468
it's time to acknowledge
317
00:11:44,470 --> 00:11:48,439
that I was the ultimate
teenage badass of this group.
318
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:49,607
(laughing)
319
00:11:49,609 --> 00:11:51,609
You were a teen
pop star in Canada.
320
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:54,245
You sang songs about the mall.
Hey.
321
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:57,164
There is a dark side
to being a rocker on the road
322
00:11:57,166 --> 00:11:58,582
north of the 49th.
323
00:11:58,584 --> 00:12:00,534
(rock music playing)
(knocking)
324
00:12:00,536 --> 00:12:02,319
Mm, thanks.
325
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:05,745
Hey.
326
00:12:05,770 --> 00:12:07,959
We've received
some noise complaints, eh?
327
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:10,094
Can you please lower the music?
328
00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:12,596
Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.
329
00:12:12,598 --> 00:12:13,831
(scoffs):
Sure.
330
00:12:13,833 --> 00:12:16,333
How aboot, uh,
I lower the TV, too,
331
00:12:16,335 --> 00:12:17,635
yeah?
332
00:12:18,603 --> 00:12:20,003
(grunts)
333
00:12:20,005 --> 00:12:22,005
(screeches)
334
00:12:22,007 --> 00:12:23,641
(cheering)
335
00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:26,510
Three hours later,
I was arrested
336
00:12:26,512 --> 00:12:29,864
drunk, naked,
and driving a Zamboni.
337
00:12:29,866 --> 00:12:33,284
Man, that DUI drove my insurance
through the roof.
338
00:12:34,503 --> 00:12:36,704
JUDGE:
Please be seated.
339
00:12:37,906 --> 00:12:39,490
Mr. Morris,
good seeing you this morning.
340
00:12:39,492 --> 00:12:41,242
Mr. Eriksen...
341
00:12:41,244 --> 00:12:42,042
you're here.
342
00:12:42,044 --> 00:12:43,544
Any, uh,
343
00:12:43,546 --> 00:12:44,745
final witnesses?
344
00:12:44,747 --> 00:12:47,164
Well, Your Honor, um...
345
00:12:49,301 --> 00:12:50,384
Um...
346
00:12:52,471 --> 00:12:56,039
Actually, Your Honor,
uh, I'm afraid...
347
00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:58,843
JUDGE:
Mr. Eriksen?
348
00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:03,898
Your Honor,
I call Brad Morris
349
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:05,015
to the stand.
350
00:13:05,017 --> 00:13:06,600
(excited chatter)
Mr. Eriksen, this is
351
00:13:06,602 --> 00:13:08,051
highly irregular.
I would like
352
00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:09,820
Mr. Morris to remove his shirt.
353
00:13:09,822 --> 00:13:12,406
JUDGE: I'll allow it.
Objection, Your Honor,
354
00:13:12,408 --> 00:13:14,057
on grounds that this is ridonk!
355
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:15,860
Overruled. Take it off.
356
00:13:25,170 --> 00:13:26,787
(exhales)
357
00:13:26,789 --> 00:13:28,172
(jury groaning)
358
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,008
Acute...
359
00:13:31,010 --> 00:13:33,010
dermatitis,
360
00:13:33,012 --> 00:13:35,763
courtesy of Frog Lake
361
00:13:35,765 --> 00:13:37,715
and Gruber
Pharmaceuticals.
362
00:13:37,717 --> 00:13:39,633
(exhales)
363
00:13:39,635 --> 00:13:42,019
That was badass.
364
00:13:42,021 --> 00:13:43,537
So, in the end,
365
00:13:43,539 --> 00:13:46,891
one might say you were forced
to do something...
366
00:13:46,893 --> 00:13:48,275
rash?
367
00:13:48,277 --> 00:13:51,228
(laughter)
Rash!
368
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:54,114
You know, I had that one,
but Lily told me to cut it.
369
00:13:54,116 --> 00:13:55,616
Um, anyway...
370
00:13:55,618 --> 00:13:58,101
all that was left
was the verdict.
371
00:13:58,103 --> 00:13:59,487
(paper unfolding)
372
00:13:59,489 --> 00:14:04,041
"We, the jury,
find Gruber Pharmaceuticals...
373
00:14:04,043 --> 00:14:05,376
guilty."
374
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:07,411
(excited shouts)
Yes!
375
00:14:09,331 --> 00:14:11,131
(whispers):
$25 million.
376
00:14:11,133 --> 00:14:14,752
That tie is not only
tasteful; it's lucky!
377
00:14:14,754 --> 00:14:19,122
I hereby fine Gruber
in the amount of $25,000.
378
00:14:19,124 --> 00:14:20,925
Court is adjourned.
379
00:14:28,389 --> 00:14:31,241
Your Honor, $25,000?
What just happened?
380
00:14:31,927 --> 00:14:34,844
Son, yes, Gruber Pharmaceuticals
probably polluted that lake,
381
00:14:34,846 --> 00:14:36,679
but I'm not gonna ruin
an important company
382
00:14:36,681 --> 00:14:38,531
just because they gave
some bird a rash.
383
00:14:38,533 --> 00:14:39,899
No, but it's thousands of birds,
384
00:14:39,901 --> 00:14:42,085
and fish and otters and turtles...
Look, Eriksen,
385
00:14:42,087 --> 00:14:43,503
I hate to cut you short,
386
00:14:43,505 --> 00:14:45,421
but I got tickets to Annie
and my wife is waiting.
387
00:14:45,423 --> 00:14:47,040
You have a wi...
388
00:14:47,042 --> 00:14:49,292
won-wonderful show to see?
389
00:14:49,294 --> 00:14:50,877
Guilty. Ciao.
390
00:14:53,931 --> 00:14:56,766
(deep voice): You'd best get
your mind right, son!
391
00:14:56,768 --> 00:14:59,102
The game is the game,
and there ain't no winners.
392
00:14:59,104 --> 00:15:01,771
How many retired
gangbangers you know?
393
00:15:02,272 --> 00:15:03,756
Exactly.
394
00:15:04,224 --> 00:15:06,359
(all shrieking)
395
00:15:07,861 --> 00:15:09,696
(chuckling):
Barney...
396
00:15:09,698 --> 00:15:11,297
check it out.
397
00:15:11,299 --> 00:15:12,815
I found my scrapbook
from the old days.
398
00:15:12,817 --> 00:15:14,367
We're kind of busy
right now, Warren.
399
00:15:14,369 --> 00:15:15,485
We're scaring kids
straight, so...
400
00:15:15,487 --> 00:15:16,736
No, no.
Barney was
401
00:15:16,738 --> 00:15:18,905
the youngest member
of our Magic Enthusiasts Club
402
00:15:18,907 --> 00:15:19,956
years back.
403
00:15:19,958 --> 00:15:21,107
Famous for
404
00:15:21,109 --> 00:15:22,408
escaping from handcuffs.
405
00:15:22,410 --> 00:15:23,292
Handcuffs, huh?
406
00:15:23,294 --> 00:15:24,627
Very tiny hands.
407
00:15:24,629 --> 00:15:26,829
That was his secret.
(chuckles)
408
00:15:27,050 --> 00:15:28,499
See you around, baby hands.
409
00:15:31,103 --> 00:15:33,972
So, you don't know the bailiff
because you were a badass.
410
00:15:33,974 --> 00:15:37,225
You knew him because you guys
were in a nerd club together.
411
00:15:37,227 --> 00:15:41,146
Where you dazzled audiences
with your sleight-of-tiny-hand.
412
00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:44,282
So I was a late hand bloomer!
413
00:15:44,284 --> 00:15:46,151
Go ahead, laugh,
414
00:15:46,153 --> 00:15:47,636
laugh like all the others,
415
00:15:47,638 --> 00:15:50,622
but those magicians pulled off
the greatest trick of all:
416
00:15:50,624 --> 00:15:53,658
(voice breaking):
they accepted me.
417
00:15:55,194 --> 00:15:57,195
Okay, well,
to be fair,
418
00:15:57,197 --> 00:15:59,831
I... may have
slightly exaggerated
419
00:15:59,833 --> 00:16:02,083
my badass story, too.
420
00:16:02,085 --> 00:16:03,385
(knocking)
421
00:16:03,387 --> 00:16:05,587
Oh, sorry. Uh, no,
thank you, housekeeping.
422
00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,239
I've already made my bed.
423
00:16:07,241 --> 00:16:10,342
And I only used
one washcloth, so it's...
424
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:13,395
Congratulations,
Miss Sparkles.
425
00:16:13,397 --> 00:16:14,579
On behalf
426
00:16:14,581 --> 00:16:15,981
of the Manitoba Hotel
427
00:16:15,983 --> 00:16:18,350
and Curling Rink Association,
we'd like to thank you
428
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:22,103
for being the nicest, most
well-behaved hotel guest ever.
429
00:16:22,105 --> 00:16:24,222
(laughing):
Oh, yippee!
430
00:16:24,224 --> 00:16:26,024
(laughs):
What a loser!
431
00:16:26,026 --> 00:16:28,059
Your story's not true,
either, is it, Ted?
432
00:16:28,061 --> 00:16:29,361
Not at all.
433
00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:33,731
Make sure you get
my good side, Princess!
434
00:16:33,733 --> 00:16:36,034
(camera shutter clicks)
435
00:16:36,036 --> 00:16:37,869
I left the courthouse that day
436
00:16:37,871 --> 00:16:40,789
questioning what
I was even doing with my life...
437
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:43,675
and then that night,
I had a dream.
438
00:16:43,677 --> 00:16:45,744
Sorry I failed, son.
439
00:16:45,746 --> 00:16:47,629
What about your
Pebble Theory, Dad?
440
00:16:47,631 --> 00:16:51,132
One good deed ripples out
and makes another and another?
441
00:16:51,134 --> 00:16:53,018
Yeah.
442
00:16:53,020 --> 00:16:54,919
This is what really happens
443
00:16:54,921 --> 00:16:59,024
when you throw a pebble
into Frog Lake.
444
00:16:59,026 --> 00:17:00,591
(whoosh)
445
00:17:02,445 --> 00:17:04,562
The truth is,
you can fight
446
00:17:04,564 --> 00:17:07,932
your whole life to do good
and still get nowhere.
447
00:17:07,934 --> 00:17:09,100
You're wrong.
448
00:17:09,102 --> 00:17:11,453
Some good's gonna ripple
out of this, Dad.
449
00:17:11,455 --> 00:17:13,204
I promise.
450
00:17:13,706 --> 00:17:15,907
(creature screeches)
451
00:17:15,909 --> 00:17:19,794
Great, I've angered
the Frog King.
452
00:17:19,796 --> 00:17:23,614
Later that night,
some good did ripple out.
453
00:17:23,616 --> 00:17:24,966
(footsteps approaching)
454
00:17:24,968 --> 00:17:26,918
BRAD:
Hey.
455
00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:29,070
What, are you
here to gloat?
456
00:17:29,072 --> 00:17:32,474
(sighs):
No. Came here to thank you.
457
00:17:32,476 --> 00:17:33,508
For reminding me
458
00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,810
of why I got into law
in the first place:
459
00:17:35,812 --> 00:17:37,479
to fight for the little guy.
460
00:17:37,481 --> 00:17:38,513
Which is why
461
00:17:38,515 --> 00:17:40,298
I said "Hasta Lucia" to my firm,
462
00:17:40,300 --> 00:17:42,467
and took a job
at your firm, brobeans.
463
00:17:42,469 --> 00:17:44,135
Don't "brobeans" me.
464
00:17:44,137 --> 00:17:47,939
My boss would never hire you
after the way you lied to us.
465
00:17:47,941 --> 00:17:50,492
I told him I'd take every
last bit of manipulation,
466
00:17:50,494 --> 00:17:52,410
deception, and accidental
pen-dropping
467
00:17:52,412 --> 00:17:56,197
I used against you guys and
put it towards saving the world.
468
00:17:56,199 --> 00:17:57,499
Even if that's true,
469
00:17:57,501 --> 00:18:00,251
I'm still not sure
that I can forgive you.
470
00:18:00,253 --> 00:18:04,122
Would you object to
an 11:15 brunch rezzy for two
471
00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,591
tomorrow at the Popover Pantry?
472
00:18:08,794 --> 00:18:10,845
I'll allow it.
473
00:18:10,847 --> 00:18:12,514
Yes! The Brunch Bros are back!
474
00:18:14,266 --> 00:18:16,851
And thank God we were,
because...
475
00:18:16,853 --> 00:18:18,436
well, what he said next
476
00:18:18,438 --> 00:18:21,139
is the reason that
I'm sitting in this chair.
477
00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:22,440
Seriously,
478
00:18:22,442 --> 00:18:25,676
thanks-- for giving my soul
a little redempsh.
479
00:18:25,678 --> 00:18:28,613
And B-T-dubs,
that judge was an idiot.
480
00:18:28,615 --> 00:18:29,864
It's people
like you,
481
00:18:29,866 --> 00:18:33,701
people with hope
and vision and integ,
482
00:18:33,703 --> 00:18:36,687
that should be behind that bench
making the calls.
483
00:18:38,174 --> 00:18:40,959
And that's when I realized
I wanted to be a judge.
484
00:18:40,961 --> 00:18:42,193
Because judges
485
00:18:42,195 --> 00:18:44,379
are the ones who
can effect real change.
486
00:18:44,381 --> 00:18:45,696
And that's why I'm here,
487
00:18:45,698 --> 00:18:48,967
before the New York State
Judiciary Committee.
488
00:18:48,969 --> 00:18:51,719
I hope that you will consider me
489
00:18:51,721 --> 00:18:55,056
for an appointment
to a judgeship.
490
00:18:55,058 --> 00:18:56,274
Thank you,
Mr. Eriksen.
491
00:18:56,276 --> 00:18:58,643
The panel will take this
under advisement.
492
00:18:59,512 --> 00:19:01,262
Take your time.
493
00:19:02,731 --> 00:19:04,766
It could be a few months.
494
00:19:05,868 --> 00:19:09,020
Better tell my wife
I won't be home for dinner.
495
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:10,054
Get out.
496
00:19:12,324 --> 00:19:14,092
(sighs)
497
00:19:15,161 --> 00:19:15,893
Hey.
498
00:19:15,895 --> 00:19:16,894
Hey.
499
00:19:16,896 --> 00:19:18,413
How are you?
Uh, great. You?
500
00:19:18,415 --> 00:19:20,365
So gr... (sighs)
501
00:19:20,367 --> 00:19:23,067
Can we talk about this
for a second?
502
00:19:23,069 --> 00:19:25,069
Yeah.
503
00:19:25,071 --> 00:19:28,456
It is super-weird between us,
and I don't want it to be.
504
00:19:28,458 --> 00:19:29,707
Me, neither.
505
00:19:29,709 --> 00:19:31,709
So let me just say this.
506
00:19:31,711 --> 00:19:33,261
I'm done.
507
00:19:33,263 --> 00:19:35,680
You don't have
to worry anymore.
508
00:19:35,682 --> 00:19:37,298
What do you mean?
509
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:39,017
I'm done trying to get you.
510
00:19:39,019 --> 00:19:40,935
I can't do it anymore.
511
00:19:40,937 --> 00:19:43,588
I'm sorry it's taken me
this long to figure it out,
512
00:19:43,590 --> 00:19:45,423
but I promise...
513
00:19:45,425 --> 00:19:48,426
I'm done making
a fool of myself.
514
00:19:48,428 --> 00:19:50,278
Barney, you haven't been making
a fool out of yourself...
515
00:19:50,279 --> 00:19:50,980
It's okay.
516
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:52,113
It's okay.
517
00:19:52,115 --> 00:19:54,765
I want it to be okay.
518
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:56,117
So here's what's
gonna happen.
519
00:19:56,119 --> 00:19:58,570
I'm gonna get us two drinks,
520
00:19:58,572 --> 00:20:01,489
come back and comment
on the likely size and color
521
00:20:01,491 --> 00:20:04,125
of the nipples
on that redhead at the bar,
522
00:20:04,127 --> 00:20:06,077
with the big, dark nipples.
523
00:20:06,079 --> 00:20:07,612
And you're gonna
be grossed out,
524
00:20:07,614 --> 00:20:10,565
but you're gonna laugh
a little anyway, and then you'll tell
525
00:20:10,567 --> 00:20:13,334
a funny story about
"that bitch Patrice" at work,
526
00:20:13,336 --> 00:20:15,786
but neither one of us
are gonna say,
527
00:20:15,788 --> 00:20:17,955
"Hey, how's it going?"
or "Good to see you!"
528
00:20:17,957 --> 00:20:21,142
Because it really will be
good to see you.
529
00:20:22,478 --> 00:20:24,795
Think we can swing that?
530
00:20:25,631 --> 00:20:27,315
Yeah, I do.
531
00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:30,068
Badass.
532
00:20:30,070 --> 00:20:32,237
(laughs)
533
00:20:42,014 --> 00:20:43,481
Huh.
534
00:20:48,028 --> 00:20:51,013
Thanks for your support, guys.
It means a lot.
535
00:20:52,050 --> 00:20:54,651
We'll call in sick anytime
you have a problem.
536
00:20:54,653 --> 00:20:57,904
(whistling
"The Farmer in the Dell")
537
00:20:59,523 --> 00:21:00,724
Lily coming!
538
00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:02,459
Lily coming!
539
00:21:02,461 --> 00:21:04,377
(stops whistling)
540
00:21:04,379 --> 00:21:06,329
Badass.
541
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:11,331
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
37131
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