Original subtitles

( clicking )

Hello, this is 86 calling control. This is 86 calling control.

Come in, control.

Hello, control? This is maxwell smart.

No, smart.

"S" as in splendid,

"M as in marvelous, "A" as in--

That's right, smart.

Hello. Who?

I-I don't get you.

Maybe you'd better Spell it.

"C" as in charlie,

"H" as in harry, "I" as in chief.

Oh, chief, This is smart.

Uh, "S" as in Splendid...

Okay, go ahead, chief.

max, I want you to report to headquarters, pick up a suitcase,

and meet me at the airport.

Right, chief. Uh, where am I going?

to the airport.

I know that, chief, But where are you sending me?

to the airport!

Why don't we start From the beginning.You want Me to go to headquarters--

max, report to professor parker.

he'll give you a suitcase that's been made up especially as a cover

for you to act as a passenger.

Right, chief. I'm on my way.

and, max, make sure you're not followed. if kaos gets on your trail--

Don't worry, chief. I'm perfectly capable of Taking care of myself.

( gunshot )

( groans )

( tires screech )

- this your car? - yes, sir.

Next time put a nickel In the meter.

Sorry about this, Officer.

But you see, I was in kind of A hurry.

Yeah yeah. That's what They all say.

See, these two Kaos agents were After me.

That's no excuse For carelessness.

They were trying To kill me.

Look, we all got Our problems, mister.

Just be more careful Next time.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Don't thank me. I'm just trying To do my job.

( theme music playing )

All right, miss, You can go.

Listen carefully, max. We only have a couple Of minutes.

Chief, you'd better Check through My suitcase.

- there are a lot of people Looking over this way. - all right.

In just a few minutes a kaos Agent will be getting off That plane that just landed.

He'll be carrying A suitcase like this.

I want you to switch Suitcases while 99 Distracts the kaos man.

Then I'll take Some photographs Of the contents,

And we'll switch The suitcases Back again.

- do you have any questions? - my duty is to obey Orders, chief,

Not to ask questions.

- good. - why are we Doing this, chief?

In the past few days, A steady flow of kaos men

Have been coming into This country from europe, South america, everywhere.

They're all wearing Dark suits and carrying Suitcases like this.

Well, maybe it's A convention.

Max, we want to Get a look into One of the suitcases

Without their knowledge.

That's a good plan, chief, Except for one thing--

How do we know who The real kaos agent is?

After all, there'll be A lot of men in dark suits With suitcases on that plane.

Agent 44 is somewhere In the airport.

He'll identify The kaos man.

- you're not doing Your job, chief. - what are you talking about?

Well, a good customs Inspector would have Looked in my socks.

They're looking, Chief.

Incidentally, chief, Right after I talked to you

I was attacked by a couple Of kaos agents.

Yes, I know. We picked them up A few minutes ago.

Do you think there's any Connection with that attempt On my life and this case?

We don't know. We won't Be able to talk to them till They leave the hospital.

One of them was A very careless driver.

All set, sir.

Chief, you forgot to Check for a false bottom Or secret compartments.

- there's no false Bottom in this. - they're looking.

All right.

There you are, sir. All set.

"All set." Sure, it's easy For you to say all set

After you've messed And torn and ripped Everything in my suitcase!

You customs inspectors Are all alike!

No wonder guys like me Don't like to travel.

Hope I'm not Out of line, chief.

- max! - just doing a little Acting, chief.

Incidentally, you did A nice job yourself.

By the way, chief, Where's agent 44?

right here.

- agent 44? - that's right. Inspect me.

That's the kaos man-- The one with the hat.

- may I see your bag, sir? - I have diplomatic immunity.

These are my Credentials.

Thank you, sir. I'll look at them Over here.

- excuse me, sir. Were you on flight 32? - yes, I was.

Oh, good. We're taking A little survey of our Passengers to make sure

Everyone's satisfied And I wonder if you'd mind Answering a few questions.

- well, I... - I'd really appreciate it So much if you would.

- yes, all right. - good.

Well, here's the list, And this is a list of the food And wine that we have.

If you'd just check off the Things that you'd like to have When you travel with us again...

- yes. - and down here we have

Our imported Or domestic wine.

- look, max. - what is it, chief?

Some sort of metal something. Put it down.I'll take A couple pictures of it.

Quick, put it back And take it back To him.

- your papers seem To be in order, sir. - I know they are.

I shall complain To my government about This intolerable treatment.

- I said, Take the suitcase back! - I can't, chief.

My tie is stuck In the suitcase And the locks are jammed.

- well, cut it off! - are you kidding? This is a $6 tie!

Max, he's About to leave. Now, hurry up.

Come on.

- will that be all, miss? - there's one other thing I wanted to ask you about.

I'm sorry, But I must be Leaving now.

What are you doing Down there?

Uh, would you believe, A jolson medley?

- drop it! - don't move Or smart gets it.

That's right. Don't move or Smart gets it.

- you're coming with us! - no!

( people chattering )

Well, what is it, Parker?

I don't know. It's some metal alloy.

Machine-tooled, Hand-finished.

I'd say from these grooves And this beveled edge that It fits into something.

- then you mean it could be Part of some larger machine. - that's right.

Well, parker, What are these numbers Here on the side?

- one, two, seven. - maybe that's a part number.

Then each kaos agent Is bringing in a part

Of some larger object,

Some machine or weapon,

And that is part number 127. Max, bring in that kaos agent.

- we'll see if we can get Anything else out of him. - right, chief.

Parker, take that back And see if you can find Anything else about it.

Okay.

I don't think we'll get Anything out of that Kaos agent, chief.

We've got to, 99. We must find out

Where those men Are assembling and what That machine is.

You will get nothing Out of me, mr. Smart.

Kaos trains its men well. I can take threats, Torture, starvation.

- how about you? - well, I can take Threats and starvation.

Torture I'm not Too crazy about.

You might as well tell us Everything you know.

We'll get it out of you Sooner or later.

I will tell you Nothing.

You don't have to Tell us anything.

You see, I've figured it All out by a matter Of simple deduction.

- really? - yes.

You see, there are Several hundred Kaos agents,

Each carrying A numbered part

To a certain Location.

Now, when you put This machine together

Each one of you will Leave the country

Carrying an empty Suitcase.

All 300 of you.

338.

Good work, max!

You still do not know One vital piece of information--

That is where we are All assembling.

That's where you're wrong.

Judging by your time of your Arrival, the points of entry Of the other kaos agents

And your methods of Transportation, I would say

That your meeting place Would be in...

- littleton, new hampshire. - you're dead wrong.

Well, it may not be right In littleton, new hampshire, But it's right outside of it.

And I am telling you That littleton, new hampshire,

Is no place near Blue mist mountain.

Blue mist mountain.

I think I've Done it again.

I remember that from A security briefing, chief.

That's right next to The p.D.Q. Missile base.

- that's a top-secret base, Isn't it, chief? - right.

We've got to get up There and find out what Those kaos men are doing.

Oh, I could just Kill myself.

99, go down to operations And get three tickets

On this afternoon's flight To blue mist mountain.

Uh, chief, if we wait Until monday we can Fly at half fare.

- this afternoon, 99. - right, chief.

See anything, chief?

Yes, their cabin Is right down there About half a mile.

Let me take a look.

Ah, yes. I see it.

- oh, wait a minute, chief. - what?

One of the kaos agents Is coming out of The cabin now.

Does he have A suitcase With him?

No. Take a look, 99.

I wonder how many Of the 338 kaos agents Have delivered their parts.

We have part 127, And that's our key to Get in and look around.

- are you ready, max? - all ready, chief.

- 99. - right, max.

Now remember, max, You're a kaos agent.

Find out all you can, But don't arouse Their suspicions

And report back To me immediately.

- right, chief. - before you go, would you Let me have your shoe phone?

I want to call the general And see if he's moved The troops up.

Thank you.

Hello, general crawford, This is the chief.

Have you got Your men deployed? Good.

Don't move them in Any further than three miles.

We want to catch them Off-guard.

If you want to check back With me, the number here...

Max, what's the number On your shoe phone-- The private number?

- 306, chief. - the number is 306.

Right. Over and out.

Now, remember, max, Be careful.

These men will not Hesitate to kill you.

Right, chief.

- 99? - yes, max?

Just in case something happens And I don't make it back,

Take care of the chief.

Right, max.

- oh, and 99? - yes, max?

- look after fang. - I will, max.

And the plants in my Apartment should be watered About once a week--

Max!

Where's 127? What if he doesn't Get here?

He'll be here. He has to be.

( knock at door )

Who is it?

Max: kaos agent 127 reporting.

Give me this.

This is it-- The last piece.

What took you so long, 127? You were supposed to Be here an hour ago.

Uh... Well, I think I was being followed.

Followed? That doesn't Give us much time.

We'll set it for... Midnight.

Midnight tonight?

Uh, I mean, Isn't that a little early?

You, out!

You've got 10 minutes To get out of the area Before this thing goes off.

- ( phone rings ) - what was that?

- uh... - ( ringing continues )

Uh, must be your phone.

- we haven't got a phone. - how about your alarm clock?

There's no Alarm clock here.

Oh. Well,

I guess it was A wrong number.

But we told you We don't have a phone.

Well, you'd better get one. As long as you've got The ringing,

- you might as well have The phone, right? - right.

Chief, the bomb is set To go off at midnight.

They gave me 10 minutes To get out of the area.

- midnight? That's in seven minutes. - what about the other parts?

Mine was the last part. 127, that's the one They were waiting for.

- that's it! Of course! - what?

A nuclear explosion Here on the site

Of one of our Government's missile bases.

The rest of the world will Think the united states has Exploded a nuclear device

And broken The test ban.

Kaos must have Been paid to do this. We've got to stop them.

- ( phone ringing ) - that must be the general.

Oh. Yes, he called Me while I was over At the kaos cabin.

This is the chief. No, general, move Your troops back.

We've got to get them Out of the area.

There's no time to explain. Max, draw a picture Of the cabin fast.

We're going in Ourselves, general.

We've only got Six minutes. Over and out.

We have got to find That bomb ourselves And deactivate it.

Let me see the map.

There's a door here, Chief, and a door here.

- and then there's A window over here. - what are those three things?

This is me And this is you And this is 99.

- not this cabin, max! That cabin! - oh, that cabin.

Never mind, max. There just isn't time. How many doors does it have?

Well, there's an east door And a west door.

Okay, you take the east Door and break in, I'll take The west door and break in.

- 99, you come through The window. - right.

When I give the signal Of three whistles,

- we'll all burst in, right? - right.

- right? - right.

It's set to go off In four minutes.

Come on. The helicopter's ready to Pick us up at the clearing.

( three whistles )

- what is that? - I don't know.

You take that door, You take that door.

- ( gunshots ) - ( both groan )

- max, what happened? - I don't know, 99,

- but at least we got Two of them. - how?

Well, I don't know. The chief was going that way

And I was... I think they Shot each other.

- ( gunshots ) - where's the chief?

I don't know. He went past me so fast,

I didn't even have A chance to say hello.

- oh, hello, chief. - chief!

- what happened? - it's just a flesh wound, But he got away.

- I'll get him. - no! Wait wait.

Somewhere in this room There's a bomb that's gonna Explode in three minutes.

- we've got to find it. - three minutes?

Well, that doesn't Give us too much Time, chief--

Just about 30 seconds To find it.

- what are the other two And a half minutes for? - running.

Max, we couldn't Have time to leave The area.

We've got to Find the bomb.

Maybe professor parker Might know where It could be hidden.

- contact him immediately. - right, chief.

This is 86 calling control. This is 86 calling control.

Come in, control.

Uh, put me through To professor parker.

Parker, this is 86.

Hello, 86. Where are you?

We're in a cabin On top of blue mist Mountain.

Blue mist mountain?

Yes. It's really Lovely up here, parker. Nice pine trees--

- max! - sorry about that, chief.

Listen, parker, one of The kaos agents escaped,

But he left a bomb here That's set to go off At midnight.

- what does it look like? - well, frankly, that's why We called you, parker.

- we don't know where it is. - you don't know where it is?

Well, we thought you might Have some idea of how it Could be camouflaged.

Describe everything In the room.

Let's see, professor.

It's a typical Early-american home:

Couch, chair, Sofa, tables,

Tv set, and a hidden Atomic bomb.

Wait a minute, max. Don't say anything. Don't move.

- ( ticking ) - do you hear Something ticking?

Yes, I do, chief. And from the frequency Of the noise and its volume

And from the fact That you're standing Right next to it,

I would say It was this clock.

- open the face Of the clock. - right, chief.

The face doesn't Open, chief.

Wait a minute. There's a catch here.

You know something, chief? I've got a feeling this is No ordinary clock.

- max, we only have Two and a half minutes. - hello, 86.

- hello. Do you see it? - yes, professor. It's built Into the wall.

- find a screwdriver. - a screwdriver. Right, professor.

Uh, chief, did I Lend you my screwdriver?

- no! - I don't have A screwdriver, professor.

Well, what do you have That you can use?

What do I have? Hold this, chief. Uh, uh...

Wait a minute. Ah.

I have a dime. That's better than A screwdriver.

You can't make a phone call With a screwdriver.

Two minutes, max!

Okay okay, now there should Be a door to the casing.

- open it! - right.

- one minute, 50 seconds. - go to it, max.

Remove the flange From the plutonium strip.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yes, I'm familiar With the word remove.

Smart, the uranium Or plutonium

Should be in the form Of a ball

About the size Of a softball.

Reach in with your hand And feel around.

- reach in with My bare hand? - yes!

It'll be on the end of What looks like a long Steel gun barrel.

Do I have time to Put my gloves on?

- hurry up, smart! - one minute, max!

do you see the control box connected to the barrel?

Uh, I think so.

You have to loosen the screw On top of the box.

- I can do that with my dime. - quickly, max!

45 seconds, max. Now, relax.

Don't get excited. ( gasps ) 40 seconds!

I'm turning The gold-tipped screw.

no! no, no, no! that's the trigger!

- that's the trigger. - I know.

Smart, you have to loosen

The hexagonal bolt right next To the gold-tipped screw

Without touching Anything else.

20 seconds, max!

how did you make out, smart?

- I dropped my dime. - smart...

Well, if it's at all Loose, use your fingers. Turn it, smart!

turn it!

How much time Do I have, 99? Don't tell me.

- eight seconds. - ( whirring )

oh! Oh, oh, you've ignited the mass!

- it's going off! - ( beeping )

That's not the half of it. My tie is caught in this thing!

( beeping accelerates, Winds down )

I don't know how You did it, max, But you...

Just saved the east coast. Maybe the whole world.

- that was a close one. - you don't know how close It was, chief.

I was thinking of wearing My bow tie today.

This is so different From ours, I...

I'm really not Sure about this.

- it's gonna take A little time. - fine.

Found this one wandering In the woods, chief. This is the last of 'em.

- well, chief, now we've Captured all the kaos agents. - good.

Just think, chief-- 338 of 'em.

Boy, that's really gonna Put a dent in the kaos Training program.

Excuse me, smart. When you tried to Deactivate this,

Which way did you turn That plutonium screw?

I'm not quite sure, Professor parker. Why?

Well, if you turned it To the left it doesn't matter,

But if you turned it to The right you've destroyed

The safety device. It can be reactivated by-by--

By anything.

( quietly ) Even a loud noise.

( groans)

Could the loud noise Be a gunshot?

( beeping quickly )

It'll go off...

In a minute And a half.

What do we do, Professor?

Don't worry, chief. This is right Up my alley.

- professor, Your tie, please. - what?

( theme music playing )