Original subtitles

Man's voice: gentlemen, today I have our communique

from kaos international.

We are ordered To stifle the heartbeat

Of the central military Complex of the united states.

The pentagon?

we'll receive details of the plan at our next meeting.

If we are to succeed, We must have someone guide us;

Someone who knows The building

And who has Total access to it, Top clearance.

I know such a man.

He's a control agent.

maxwell smart.

do you think we can recruit maxwell smart?

for a price.

If not for money, There is always The lovely natasha.

You're talking foolishly, Gentlemen.

Maxwell smart is A dedicated loyal agent.

but he's also stupid.

Stop! Nobody say anything.

Give me that.

Where did this glass With the ice cube come from?

It was here When we came in.

That's it, they found it.

Fools! Don't you see?

The ice in this glass Has melted.

Look at this ice cube.

Germanium crystal...

With a transmitting Device inside.

( gasps )

Oh.

I can't stand it When they break Those things.

You know, 99, I really feel sorry For professor parker.

He spent so much time Working on that device.

- the ice cube transmitter? - yes.

For the last six months He's tested it in every Known fluid.

That's how he got His reputation.

- as a perfectionist? - no, as a drunk.

( theme music playing )

Watch it. Watch it take off.

- the fly, I know. - yeah, oh, there he goes.

It's beautiful, Absolutely beautiful.

Oh, round And round he goes

And now a perfect Landing.

That's incredible, Professor. How did you do it?

How did I do it?

Two and a half years Of nerve-racking Micro-miniature fabrication

And $400,000 worth Of research and equipment.

Did you see those Two tiny antenna?

- mm-hmm. - well, the left is a receiver;

The right, a transmitter.

Notice the left eye--

The world's smallest Radar tracking dish.

- wow. - a network of 7,000

Exquisitely delicate Wafer circuits.

That's marvelous.

Uh, sorry about your Ice cube, professor.

Forget the ice cube, max, Take a look at this.

Oh please, Don't tell them What it is.

I would like mr. Smart To look at your desk

And see if he can Detect which item is The listening device.

Parker, I don't think You should do that.

Don't be ridiculous, Chief, that's a great idea.

If he can fool my keen eyes, The security of kaos Is doomed.

Excuse me, 99.

Now let's see.

Well, I don't think It's this magazine.

It's a little obvious And clumsy.

Uh...

I don't think It's this paperweight

Or the cigarette Lighter.

What about that, uh-- That fly?

Huh?Oh.

Got it.

Look, chief, Maybe the professor Can build another fly

Or a mosquito or a ladybug Or something like that.

There is Not enough time.

Max, you're going To have to personally Infiltrate kaos.

That's out of the question. You heard what they said On the recording.

- I'm too loyal, too dedicated. - that's what they think Of you now.

But you are going To gamble away your next Six months' salary

And become a stumbling,

Bumbling, drunken bum.

- is that an order, chief? - that's an order.

I'll see that Word gets out on The grapevine tonight

- that you'll be gambling. - where, chief?

There's an illegal Gambling casino

That kaos men have been Known to frequent.

Phase one.

Here's a couple Of thousand dollars.

Bet heavily, Lose it and make sure That they see you.

Well, that shouldn't be Too difficult, chief.

Oh, there's one thing, max.

I'll be the only one Who knows you'll be A double agent.

Right, chief.

You mean We can't tell 99?

Max, kaos will be watching Your friends closely.

You must convince them More than anyone else That you've gone bad.

Now, max, remember,

Acting as a double agent Is the most dangerous game In the world.

These men are killers. They'll stop at nothing.

You'll be living In constant danger Every moment.

And...

Loving it.

Our information was correct. Maxwell smart just entered.

26-black, I got it! I got it!Whoo-hoo!

Look at that purdy green lettuce Rolling right on back home.

( cackles )

You know, I've been betting 26-black since tuesday morning

And that little old wagon wheel Finally come up with it.

Whoo-hoo! You know, mister, I don't know who you are,

But before you showed up I must have lost a couple Of thousand-barrel oil wells.

Now you just stay right here Because you and me

Are gonna bust this Little game wide open!

- well, thank you, But I had other plans. - no no no.

I ain't gonna hold you, I ain't gonna hold you.

Why, you can't hold back A bona fide angel of luck, Now can you?

( laughs )

Hold on, boy, hold on. Why, y'all didn't Think I was gonna

Let you walk away unrewarded, Now did you, huh?

- I can't-- - ah-hh!

If you don't, I just Might get very angry.

- jacks full. - beats me.

Yeah.

( groans )

mind if I sit in?

table stakes.

That's the only Game I play.

500.

Another thousand.

Fresh deck, please.

I open.500.

- I call. - I'm in.

I call.

Give me one.

Two.

Three.

I'll take four.

500.

- I'm out. - I'm out.

I call your 500

And I raise you 500.

I see you. What do you got?

Well, gentlemen,

That cleans me.

Four aces, you win.

That beats me.

Well, gentlemen, That's all for me.

I'm too lucky In this game.

Dealer: here you go, $4,000.

Thank you.

Are you certain The kaos agent was Watching you?

Everybody was Watching me, chief.

And he didn't Approach you?

I'm telling you, chief, Nobody from kaos is going To approach me.

I've got too good A reputation To live down.

Not anymore, max.

We've shown them That you're a gambler. Now we move into phase two:

Physical degradation. You'll become an alcoholic.

Right, chief.

- an alcoholic? - mm-hmm.

Well, will they take A heavy drinker?

Max, take good Care of this.

The tailor Charges a fortune To rip it up like that.

I got a dry cleaner That'll do this For nothing.

Here, max, You'll need Some of these.

Oh, aspirin, good.

Probably need a lot of aspirin With all that drinking.

No, max, not aspirin. They are absorbo pills.

Keep one in your mouth While you're drinking.

It'll absorb All the alcohol Out of the liquor.

Say, that's wonderful, chief. Then I'll act drunk,

I'll look drunk, I'll even smell drunk, But I'll be stone sober.

That's right, max. Not one drop of alcohol Will reach your stomach.

- unless-- - unless what, chief?

Well, just don't swallow One of the absorbo pills.

If you do, Your stomach fluids Will release

The alcohol from The pill all at once.

I'll remember that, chief.

Now you do your drinking In chez charles--

That's a skid-row bar.

We'll make sure kaos Gets wind of where You are.

- right, chief. - ( knocks on door )

Put this away, Will you?

come in.

There you are, max, I've been Looking all over for you.

Uh, I-- I've been busy.

Oh, that's okay. Come on, you've gotta Get home and change

- or we'll be late For the concert. - the concert?

Oh, tonight's saturday night, That's right.That's when We go to the--

Sorry, 99, I can't Make it tonight. I'm busy.

Oh... You're On assignment.

Well, not exactly.

You're acting Very strangely, max.

Look, 99, why don't you Just forget about me For a few days?

Max, I couldn't Forget about you.

Not even For a few minutes.

- I'm sorry, 99. - is it another girl, max?

- sort of. - oh, okay, um...

I guess, I'll see you In the morning then.

- good night, chief. - good night, 99.

Max, until your mission Is a success,

She'll learn to do Without you.

Yeah, chief, But what if my mission Is a failure?

We'll all learn To do without you.

Alex, he's here all right.

Drinking like it's Going out of style.

Throat lozenges, Sore throat.

Oh.

- bartender? - yeah.

- give me a b&b. - b&b?

Bourbon and bourbon.

Hey, mac,

You're gonna have to get That dog out of here.

- what dog? - that dog.

Fang, what are you doing here? You want to spoil everything?

All right, doggy, Get out of here.

Get lost.I don't want You hanging around me.

Can't you see I've turned rotten?

( whimpers )

Okay, if you want the truth, You're not my pal anymore.

I don't like you.

You've got A sweaty tongue.

And... Doggy odor.

( growling )

That's more like it. Now just growl yourself Right out the door.

Good work, fang, You found him.

Max, what are you Doing in this place?

What does it Look like I'm doing? I'm getting drunk.

That's not Like you, max.

"That's not like you, max." Okay, what is like me?

Max!

We've meant so much To each other.

Look, will you Do me a favor?

Just leave me alone. Get out of my life.

Max, I think I can help you.

It's that fly, isn't it, The $400,000 one?

Fill her up, bartender.

We can work out something. I've saved a little money.

Look, I don't Want your money.

We can pay it off $10 a week.

$10 a week?

You know how long That would take?

900 years.

Sorry, but I've got Other plans.

Max, please let me Take you home.

Look, can't you get it Through your head?

I don't want to go home. I like it here.

I don't believe that.

Okay, then maybe You'll believe this--

I've never liked you, Not even from the beginning.

You're too...

Statuesque.

Besides, I don't like The things you stand for:

Integrity, Loyalty, decency.

Okay, max, I'm leaving.

But only because You want me to.

I'm just not convinced That you're what you're Pretending to be.

Come on, fang, Come on.

Smart is deteriorating Rapidly.

He just dismissed His dog and his girl.

( phone ringing )

Pardon me, I know this is Going to sound silly,

But is it possible that Your shoe is ringing?

My shoe?

You've been drinking Too much of this Cheap booze, soldier.

Listen, I'm sorry I talked to you so mean,

But I can't explain now.

Oh, chief. I thought it was 99.

Have they made contact With you yet?

No, chief, uh-- they're Watching me very closely.

But I think they're Finding it hard to believe.

That means we'll have To put phase three into effect.

- right, chief. - ( phone rings )

Can you hold on A second, chief?

Hello, uh, I'm sorry, But I'm using the phone booth.

Could you call back later?

Okay, chief, Phase three it is.

Uh, chief, Just one thing...

What is phase three?

That's where I come into the bar And pick a fight with you,

- and you beat me up. - beat you up?

I couldn't do that, chief.

There's nothing to it.

We planted a case of whiskey In harmless breakaway bottles Down there.

It's called "Old soldier."

All you have to do Is break one over my head.

"Old soldier" Over the head.

Well, okay, chief, If you think it's necessary.

But I want you to know I won't be enjoying it.

Smart?

What do you want?

A few answers.

Sorry, but I don't think I'm gonna like the questions.

We're missing $68,000.

That's tough. Have you looked behind The sofa cushions?

beside myself, you're the only one

Who had access To the safe.

Just what are You getting at?

I'm making A citizen's arrest.

I don't think He was looking. You'd better hit me again.

Bartender, give me another Bottle of "Old soldier."

Give me another drink. Put a little more ice.

He missed it again. Quick, get another bottle.

Wait a minute, chief, I've got a better idea.

We've got to get His attention.

Let's go down To the other end Of the bar.

Bartender, give me A bottle of champagne.

Now look, chief, I'm gonna take this bottle

And crash it over The end of the bar.

Then I'll threaten you With the jagged edges.

that'll get his attention.

All right, I'm telling You for the last time, Get out of here!

- is he looking? - he must be.

( coughs ) Chief?

( muffled ) Yeah?

I think I swallowed My absorbo pill.

What?

You know something, chief?

They're not half bad.

Then what happened?

He hit him with another bottle While I was ordering a drink.

I hope he hasn't gotten Too violent for us to use.

Wake him up.

Wake up! Come on, wake up.

- you're among friends. - now, mr. Smart,

I always knew That deep down inside

You were a rat.

Oh, thank you For your confidence.

No!

Well, it looks like Your little girlfriend Followed you here.

Yeah, we caught her Snooping around outside.

What are we Gonna do with her?

How about giving her A severe reprimand?

She'll have To be disposed of.

Uh, how about a stern warning To keep off the premises?

Who's gonna do it?

Well, I think it's Only just that mr. Smart

have that honor.

Would you go for a severe Reprimand and a stern warning?

You don't seem To be very anxious

To carry out This assignment.

That's where you're wrong. I'm very anxious to carry out This assignment.

It's just that I can't work With a lot of people looking Over my shoulder.

After all, executions are a kind Of a personal thing with me.

I think all of you gentlemen Had better leave the room.

How long is this Going to take?

I'll call you When it's over.

Oh, max, I knew you hadn't Turned rotten.

You just had to find out The rest of their plan.

It's too late for that now. I've got to get you Out of here.

I don't know how I'm Gonna do it.There's only One door and no window.

- that's it! - of course that's it.

- what's it? - there must be A ventilator.

Look!

Max, the noise! They'll get suspicious.

You're right. We need something To cover it.

- I know. - what?

If they hear screams, They'll think I'm working You over.

- right. - I'd better use My phono-watch.

Oh.

Give me that scream record From your charm bracelet.

Here it is.

( woman laughing hysterically )

Must be the flip side.

( woman screaming ) ah! No! No!

- that's it. - good.

- ( clattering ) - max, someone's coming.

We'd better take them At the door.

- we'll never get Through this anyway. - right.

What's going on? Hey!No!

No no no no, don't! I'm not a kaos agent!

- are you a double agent? - ( gasps ) yeah.

- so is he. - 99, he's lying.

- no, I'm not! - "The geese fly high."

"The frost is on the grass."

- max! - he is.

- sorry about that, fella. - ooh.Ooh.

I didn't mean To hit you so hard.

- I think you Fractured my skull. - it'll heal, it'll heal.

Ow!

Don't shoot!Uh-- "The geese fly high."

"The frost is On the grass."

( screams ) Max!

- "The geese fly high." - "The frost is on the grass."

"The geese fly--" Uh!

All: "The frost is on the grass."

Just a minute. Who are you guys?

C.I.A.

Naval intelligence.

F.B.I.

Scotland yard, here.

You're-- Scotland yard?

You're brown? I'm adam.

Well, 99, I can't wait To tell the chief About this.

We're really in line For congratulations.

We've just broken The sinister arm Of kaos

That's threatened The nation's capital.

But, max, what about When the chief finds out

That we've just wounded Four of our own government's Top agents?

Well, we don't have To tell the chief Everything.

Apparently the real kaos man Who started the group

Died several years ago, chief, And was never replaced.

You've done a good job, max, And I understand most of them

Will be out of the hospital Within the month.

Sorry about that, Chief.

- all in the line of work, max. - what about the electronic fly?

Oh, parker has come up With a new listening device Even cleverer than the fly.

- are you ready, parker? - yes, chief.

See, if you can pick This one out, smart.

And please be a little More careful this time.

- right, professor. - it's among these objects On the desk.

Well, let's see.

It's not The cigarette lighter, Right?

Right.

And, uh...

It's not The magazine, right?

Correct.

A fly. You've built another fly.

No, smart, That's a real fly.

- ( fly buzzing ) - oh.

Are you sure It's a fly?

Absolutely.

Well then I can kill it.

I have a strange feeling It's the light bulb.

( theme music playing )