Original subtitles

Mummy?

Not now, sweetie.

Mummy's visualising the downfall of her enemy.

Stupid little bastard almonds.

They look fine to me.

They have to be perfect.

Nora has Jizzlord thinking I'm some sort of chaos goblin,

so I have to pretend to be a polite and well-adjusted young lady

at her little fucker's dumb shit birthday party.

So, you're just gonna make sure everyone has a lovely time then.

Yeah. That'll fuckin' show her.

I hate sleeping in the bath again.

Wait, why you sleeping in the bath?

- No, she didn't. - Yes, she did.

- No. - Yes, she did.

I swear to you. I swear to you.

- Honest. - You're lying.

- He's staying the night now? - Carrie.

Oh, God. No, no.

I-I didn't mean it, like, he's staying the night now. Gross.

Why would it be gross? Is it because they're both boys?

No. No, no, no. That's, um...

I love boys. And their boys in turn.

I'm totally fine with this. Absolutely.

I mean... ...I channel gay people all the time.

Not that that means I couldn't be--

Look, I think we could all self-examine and find ways to prioritise respect.

Hmm.

You're gays. Do you know how to make macarons?

Yeah. I do, actually.

Uh...

It's all about air.

- Now, you're gonna whisk it up... - Okay.

...get those bubbles going.

Can't believe Nora thinks I'm holding you back.

I'm a very good owner. I mean, girlfriend. I've gotta stop saying that.

I know. And Nora's gonna see that today.

- I have a plan. - Oh, yeah?

- Yeah. So you know fire-- - We're not doing that.

No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

- So, I set the house on fire... - No.

- ...then you swoop in and put it out... - No.

...then Nora has to accept you, and we can live in harmony.

Please do not set anything on fire at this children's birthday party.

So, what am I gonna do with all this petrol?

- I thought that was a gift. - Exactly. No one will suspect a thing.

- Give it to me. - No, it'll work.

Rob, Jen.

So glad you could make it. You've missed so many of these.

- Is that for Alfie? - Yes.

It's petrol.

Oh, I love the beige.

You hate beige.

I got you crinkly paper, hair ties, caps of bottles. Hours of fun.

- You weren't at my other birthdays. - I'm sorry.

I ran away, abandoning you and your mother for reasons I still don't understand.

Mummy said you were a spy and had to leave to help save the world.

Oh. Right. Yeah.

I forgot you can just lie to children. Yeah, that's what happened.

All my other friends had their dads at their birthdays.

It made me sad.

No, no, no, no. Um, I'm here now,

and I'm not going anywhere, and I can get you more gifts.

- What'd you like to play with? - Money.

♪ Nonces, nonces ♪

Do you think nonces sounds better in a C or a G?

Oh, F-sharp.

You've only ever dated girls, right?

Uh, yeah.

It's just...

I'm going to a friend's party next week, and I want you to come.

But in the past when I've started seeing someone like you,

well, you don't know if they're ready to make their debut.

- Um... - No, it's fine.

It's too soon. I'm jumping ahead.

Chill out Clark, you bloody maniac. Uh, I'll do a coffee run.

- A piccolo. Oat Piccolo. - No. No, no. No.

No, no--

No. I really, really like this. I just, um--

Well, I guess I can't picture what it looks like yet.

Like us, uh, socially. Like, what if everything's different?

- Sorry. That's a stupid reason. I didn't-- - No, there's no rush.

We can fly under the radar for a bit.

Thank you.

Hello!

Am I having an LGBTQ+ stroke?

I just want you guys to be super, super comfortable in this flat.

I got some flavoured vodka, little flags.

I baked some cookies in the shape of Kim Petras.

- Mini quiches. - What's gay about mini quiches?

Oh, nothing. I-I just think they're fun.

Ooh! I even got some poppers.

Oh, uh, that's not--

Hmm. Okay. Thank you, Carrie.

Yas!

Oh, okay, great. Yeah. Come up.

- Who's that? - Your vigilante friends.

I thought I'd invite them over to celebrate.

You haven't told them? You haven't told them.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, hide the poppers!

Okay, triage! What's gayest?

What's straight music? Polka?

Give me the phone!

Randall 3D printed a key.

- Oh, so green. - Sorry for barging in.

- Ooh. Hello! - Hi.

Oh, sick! This is my jam.

Hello.

Hey, Kash. How are you doing?

So, why exactly are we here, Kash?

Yeah. Carrie said we should all come over to "radiate love".

Something about, uh, a cocoon and a beautiful butterfly.

It was pretty vague.

He's probably got some new pathetic project he wants us to be a part of.

I only came over here to make fun of it.

Yes.

I am writing a musical, and I want all of you to star in it.

Well then.

I really like musicals, so I'm in.

It sounds really fun.

Whoo!

Oh, can I just--

- This is my new bike. - Can I see the bell?

No, don't touch it!

Oh, Chris.

Oh, don't worry.

- I'm not going to wrestle you again. - Good. Yeah.

- What are you doing here? - Oh.

Just dropped off the little soldier his presents. It's nothing big.

It's just a bike, a new tablet,

and some saving bonds for when he goes off to university.

That's so nice. You're such a good friend.

Yeah, well... Been checking in on him the last few years.

Kid needs a dad, you know?

It's about 12-and-a-half presents--

Here he is!

Hey! Happy birthday, Son.

I'm glad you're home, Daddy.

Ooh, what a lovely spread, Nora.

Are those madeleines?

- Yes. They're from the organic bakery... - Ooh.

...on Titheley Street.

Oh. Then not home-made?

- No, but-- - It's just that, um,

the shop-bought ones have sulphites in them.

Hmm. It's a shame.

I made macarons.

- Ooh. - They're home-made.

No one wants your almond shit-cakes.

- Oh! They're amazing. - Oh!

- Mmm. So airy. - Mmm.

- They're delicious. - They taste like a badger's arsehole.

Uh...

So-- Sorry.

Uh, I have a cold.

So my taste is off.

Oh.

- What are you doing? - Just being nice.

Hmm.

♪ I love it how you do that thing, yeah ♪

♪ Show my how you do that thing How you do that thing ♪

Oops.

Stop titting my macarons.

Come on.

Yell at me. Make a scene.

There is nothing that you can do that will get under my skin, Nora.

- I'm impenetrable. - Hmm.

Well, Rob seems to think so.

♪ Make it boom, boom, boom Till it pop ♪

I'm right, aren't I? You still haven't done it, right?

Rob and I fucked on the first date. Didn't even make it to the bed.

If I was you, I'd be wondering if he even liked me.

♪ You can get it if you got it ♪

No! You're poor!

Hey, Jen! I've cracked the dad thing.

Alfie likes me,

and I've got this feeling that if anyone hurts him, I'll kill them with a hammer.

So, it's all good.

That's great. We're having sex. Now.

I'm on a roll today!

It's a dramatic retelling of our time as vigilantes.

So you need someone to play the hero.

- I graciously accept. - No.

I'll be playing the hero. It's important to stay faithful to the true story.

Right. So, does that mean it will end with you running away

and getting dumped by your girlfriend?

That's-- No.

Um, well, no, obviously the artist has to take some creative licence, right?

So...

I have to shoot off, lads. I've got a gig.

But as long as I can do the pyrotechnics, I'm in.

I've got a bunch of Semtex I need to shift.

I can't see why that would be a problem.

- See ya. - See ya.

Who would I play?

You would play the love interest of the hero.

Surely Gregor would be playing your love interest.

- What, why? - Uh, are we forgetting

about the frankly electric sexual tension between these two?

Mmm.

- Come on. It's classic enemies to lovers. - Excuse me?

Megan. Could you come with me for a moment?

- Why? - Girl stuff.

Yeah, but what kind of girl stuff? Boys, pregnancy, fun shoes,

endometriosis, pets, small ones--

Okay.

I could play the love interest.

Just need a room.

I'm having a poo!

I know this is a kid's birthday party,

but how are there kids literally everywhere?

I will make this child disappear using magic.

- Ooh! - It's not magic.

You can just teleport things.

Uh, shut up. You're ruining it.

He can teleport people.

Alakazoo, be rid of you!

To places without children in them.

Hesto, presto, reappearo.

Um, that-that's not my child.

Where did Tommy go?

- Yeah, it is. - No, it's not.

- I knew it. - He's not ready for everyone to know.

He's currently convincing them to star in a musical with him.

So, I don't know how much longer you expect

the gay cat to stay in its fruity little bag.

I feel so bad.

I put him in this terrible position.

I can only imagine how much he must be struggling.

♪ Bumhole ♪

♪ Bumhole ♪

♪ Bumhole, bum-bum-bumhole ♪

♪ Bumhole, bum-bum-bumhole ♪

Wait.

I've got an idea.

Hey. Can you make two adults disappear somewhere private

for, I don't know, like, six to nine minutes?

Oh.

I see. Nice.

Ew! Just do it. I'll give you a tenner.

Kevin, is it?

Let's have a chat.

It's so quiet.

And child-free.

And Carrie-free.

And Kash-free.

It's my responsibility to fix this.

Why are you skulking in the hallway?

We have to convince the guys that Kash is totally straight.

I could say that he fingered me. Would that help?

- No. - But we could throw them off the scent.

Say that we're dating.

Yeah. Yes.

Duplicate Clark, you are a genius.

I'll say it anyway. Can't hurt.

♪ Bumhole, bumhole ♪

♪ Bumhole, bumhole Bumhole, bumhole ♪

♪ Bumhole, bumhole ♪

I know you've all noticed the unbearable tension between us.

And yes, mm-hmm.

The rumours are true. Clark is my boyfriend.

- Oh, no, no, no. It's fine. - Hmm.

I told them already. They're chill.

- Mm-hmm. - It actually made a really cool preset.

♪ I'm dating a man Bumhole ♪

♪ Man Bumhole, bumhole ♪

♪ Man ♪

♪ Bumhole I'm dating a man ♪

I thought I'd really, really messed up.

- Are you sure that you're okay? - Mm-hmm. Yeah.

- We're good. - I'm not really surprised.

I mean, he's punching, but...

Okay. Time to re-merge.

No. Maybe I want to date Carrie.

- Huh? - What?

I've never said anything, but Carrie's given me the perfect opportunity.

I'm straight.

Kash fingered me.

I can't believe it's taken us this long.

It's finally just the two of us.

And sex.

- What the fuck? - Where did that bed come from?

Oh, my God!

Uh, um--

How could this possibly have happened?

How inappropriate!

I want to apologise for Jen's behaviour.

- Is that Daddy? What's Daddy doing? - He's just having a little lie-down.

I have tried and tried to make this work,

but I think Jen has just proven what we've all been thinking.

We can't coexist.

- Rob, you're gonna have to choose. - Choose what?

- Do the right thing and decide. - See that?

It's me and Alfie...

- ...or Jen. - Oh, finally. I'm so tired.

- Go on, Jizz. Tell her. - Like he even has to think about it.

I have to think about it.

- What? - What?

I'm not straight.

Well, maybe, one in a million of you is.

And he's in love with Carrie.

Oh, God. Uh--

What do I, uh--

If I date you, then you'll be-- But then you'll be s-- Clark.

So sorry. Clarks. Sorry.

Kash, oh, uh-- And I've already-- Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Uh, someone tell me what to do. Kash, what's best for you?

Carrie, you are the least selfish person I've ever met.

- Thank you. - That's not a compliment.

- No. - Oh.

You can't live your life for other people.

I mean, everything you've done today

is 'cause you were terrified what someone else was gonna think.

Got to be more selfish.

Tell us how Carrie feels!

- About all of this. - Yeah.

Why don't you take the mic?

Use your voice. Live your truth.

Oh, no, wait--

Don't-- Don't smell it.

Honestly--

- Ooh. - Uh, sometimes it gets stuck like that.

Just ignore it.

We broke up, but we still live together.

And work together, which I don't--

I don't particularly love,

and then I asked you to set me up with my work crush.

And you end up dating him instead.

Hmm.

And it's, like, hello!

That's a bit effed up, actually. And I'm not okay with it.

Not because you're both boys,

- but because we've only just broken up... - No, no.

...and you're already getting serious with someone else

like we didn't even mean anything to each other,

like it's easy, and I don't like it.

- I just-- I just don't like it. - Yes.

And I want you to pay me back for rent since we moved in.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's enough for one day.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Whoo! - Aw.

Well, uh, do you want to go out?

No.

I'm sorry.

I need to focus on myself.

What are we gonna do with straight Clark?

Oh, I'm not straight. No. Ew.

I just wanted to go to a nice restaurant or something.

You only ever get me to do chores or take shifts or FaceTime Mum or--

Hey.

Drama queen.

There's nothing to even think about. Look, I'll make the decision for you.

Me. There, done, now let's go.

Look, if it was just you or Nora, it'd be simple, but a kid needs their dad.

You do, and you're big.

But I've blindly trusted you so far, and it's worked out.

So, if you tell me to pick you, I will.

You're a good owner.

You're not my pet anymore.

It's up to you.

It's up to me.

Oh, no. It's up to me.

How do I decide? I can't decide. Oh, it's too hard.

I hate agency. I don't want it. Take it back.

Fucking free will.

- Does your nut in, doesn't it? - What are you?

Human piñata.

Kids love it.

We're kind of in the middle of a private conversation here.

We had the same problem, me and the ex, when we broke up a few years back.

We couldn't figure out who should take the dog.

So we let the dog decide, and, um...

...they pick right.

Animal instinct. Fucking infallible.

♪ We got nothing to lose We got nothing to lose ♪

Whatever happens,

I have to admit I've come to respect you as a worthy adversary.

- Really? - No.

The idea of being beaten by you

is the most humiliating thing I could imagine.

- Psst, psst, psst. Psst, psst, psst. - Hey, don't. That's cheating.

Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.

Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.

Psst, psst, psst, psst, psst.

Jen?

You're home.

♪ This is probably How I get myself killed ♪

I know we don't have a session, but...

Come in.

Mummy doesn't like that I'm ginger.

She says it doesn't fit her "anaesthetic".

What's the point in doing the right thing if you don't get rewarded for it?

It's bullshit.

The act of doing the right thing is, in and of itself, the reward.

No, I can't do it. It is bullshit actually, isn't it?

I really thought he'd pick me.

Can you imagine some really nice Scotch?

Harder! Harder!

Harder!

Yeah, yay.

Cheer up, silly.

- We're a family again. - I miss Jen.

If it helps, we can pretend that she's died.

Sorry. Um, you're very tall and shiny,

but I don't really like anyone but Jen.

Oh, he's joking.

So cute.

You do like me. You picked me because you like me.

Uh, okay. Um, I wa-- I wasn't clear enough.

I'm not attracted to you.

Oh, I think he's just disorientated.

Don't ing embarrass me.

Are you all right, Nora?

Sorry.

I'm joking.

We are such jokers.

I don't get it.

I actually needed this.

I spent most of the day with this one client,

the most boring man in the world. I'm not shitting you.

The inside of his head is a perfect replica of the set of the Top Gear studio.

At least not so messy though.

Oh, better messy than boring.

I think you're the first client

I'd willingly spend time with in the outside world.

It's not that chaotic.

Look, we're making progress.

Here.

Here's my personal number.

If you ever wanna talk about anything, just call me.

- Probably just text. - Jesus Christ.

Why can't you people speak on a phone?

I'm-I'm confused. Are you two back together sexwise?

- Yes. - No. Huh?

I'm only here for Alfie.

- A kid needs his dad. - That's what I've always said.

But I guess, when he's 18, I can go back to Jen.

He's seven now, so that's--

Oh, no.

Shut up, Chris!

He didn't say anything.

We should tell him.

The night you disappeared, you caught us.

In your bed.

ing and ing.

We thought that's why you left,

but I-I-I guess it must've, like, triggered your power.

You didn't abandon anyone, but you just...

...you got cucked so hard, you turned into a cat.

It's a tale as old as time.

So Alfie is...

not mine.

He's lying.

- Alfie isn't his-- - He is!

- Prove it. - You dye his hair!

- You do. He's really ginger. - That proves nothing.

Chris isn't ginger.

Aren't I?

Oh!

I started dyeing it at uni

so the horrific bullying would stop.

Silly boys. Let's do the cake!

It's organic tonka bean!

Does she know his penis is still out?

Come on, everybody!

Oh, what are you all looking at, you gawking?

Oh, no. She's not perfect.

- Nora. - She's not perfect!

Well, no you, ing morons!

You want madeleines?

I'll give you madeleines!

Whoa!

I get up at 4:00 a.m.

I haven't eaten sugar in 15 years,

and this is the thanks I get?

Oh, not the cake, Nora.

Oh, ing Christ. That's good.

This, um, might be a lot to take in,

but I've wanted to tell you this for so long.

Oh, my God.

Oh, go on, judge me, you uptight.

I've always hated you.

Nora...

I've always hated all of you.

I'm your real dad.

- And I love you so, so much. - You can all suck my!

Get out.

Get out of my house,.

Get out!

Do you have any games on your phone?

Oh, go on. Take a picture,!

I'll give you my best angle!

- Yes. - That's right. It's my!

Yeah.

- She's here. - She's here.

She's coming.

Jen, I'm free!

The kid isn't his.

My best friend and my wife are having an affair,

and I was deeply, deeply unhappy.

Isn't that great?

Now there's nothing that can come between us.

Oh.

What did you do?

Is it normal that when things go wrong in your life,

you just wanna go all in and ruin everything?

Pretty much.

In for a penny.

♪ Riding on any wave That is the luck you crave ♪

♪ They don't believe it now ♪

Mum?

Can I go back to the party now?

♪ Riding on anything Anything's good enough ♪

♪ Who would've thought it of Someone like you? ♪

♪ Just as they brought me round Now that they brought you down ♪

♪ Roundabout and roundabout Who wants a life anyway? ♪