Original subtitles

Pay attention to the film. You'll miss the scary bits.

I have to remember to take Alfie to flute on Tuesdays and Mandarin on Wednesdays.

I have to figure out what capital gains tax is

and why this man is so mad at me for not paying it.

And then, I have to wash my clothes, and dry my clothes, and wear my clothes,

and then wash them again, and it never ends.

So frankly, Jen, the dry Egyptian man is the least of my worries.

Look!

Yeah, this one's a bit naff anyway. I want a proper scare.

Do you know what it feels like to be dead?

Oh! Hi, Dad. Forgot it was Wednesday. We're having a scary movie marathon.

- Can I call you back? - Wait for me. I'm almost home.

Okay. Happy Halloween.

Mmm. Happy Halloween, pet.

Can't you do that in private? It's so morbid.

It's not my fault you're a massive pussy. No offence.

I am not a pussy.

Okay.

Put your hand in this box.

Why? What's in it?

Oh, are you afraid?

You know what? I don't need to prove anything to you.

- Oh, okay. - So, yeah.

Oh, there's a rat in here.

- What? - What?

Oh, no!

Why would you do that?

- I thought it was empty! - I fucking hate Halloween!

No, I wasn't evading tax. Yeah, Hercule. Four years.

No, sir, I would never take your mick.

Well, I didn't have thumbs,

and you have to consider I was very, very small.

Hello?

- When's it get scary? - Soon.

They haven't introduced the creature yet.

A crone!

It's just me!

Oh. It's just me.

Did you just call me a crone?

Is that the word I used?

I'm not that frumpy, am I?

Look, Carrie, you have been given a gift. You're single on Halloween.

It's the perfect time to step out of your comfort zone.

There's so many options.

Classic slut, topical slut, scary slut, slut slut.

Can I be a slut on Halloween?

Sluts don't have to pay capital gains tax, do they?

Unfortunately, sluts do have to pay tax.

- What if I've forgotten how to do it? - Do what?

Interact with men with a view to sex in the future?

Don't phrase it like that to begin with.

I've got so comfortable with Kash,

I've forgotten how to be sexy.

Well, it's like riding a seductive bike. It'll come back to you.

And if it doesn't, you know, just be yourself.

And you fell in love with me, but I can hardly blame you.

All men do. I'm irresistible.

I'm sorry for what I did.

And I'd do it all over again if I had to.

And you want me to what again, darling?

Uh, teach me how to be sexy?

Or just, I guess, um, sex adjacent. Semi-skimmed. That's fine.

Well, you came to the right place, dollface.

They used to say if it was in Hollywood and breathed,

I'd be under it, over it... ...and inside it.

Fingering, darling.

Now, listen here, pretend to fall over.

Oops. And grab on to his johnson for support.

Oh, no. I seem to have forgotten my brassiere.

Hold these for me, would ya?

If you don't know what to do with your hands,

just put them out like this and shake your tushy.

Always look like you're listening, even when you're not.

Mm-hmm.

Laugh at everything they say, even if it ain't funny.

Pretend you're illiterate and get them to read the menu to you.

Men love a dum-dum.

Uh-- When did we make a martini?

Do keep up, darling, or I'll leave you behind.

Oh.

" Times your Nan called you fat." Do you want that for the body image shelf,

or shall I keep it for the family trauma wing?

Hit me.

Old cow.

Hmm. I think I found something interesting.

They're numbered like part of a series.

- You more afraid of cancer or bears? - Bears.

I have my reasons.

The numbers are a list.

If we find number one, we'll find what you're most afraid of in life.

And that could be what's holding me back from my power?

Try and find the rest. Maybe there's a horror section.

Or would they be in something scary-looking?

No offence, your subconscious isn't subtle. There's usually a sign.

Okay.

I think I found it.

And that is why you never go on a river cruise without your diaphragm.

Why, look I'm--

I'm young and beautiful.

Oh, uh, thank you. I--

So smooth and tight.

Uh, yeah.

Well, thank you for your tips. I feel much better about it all.

Wait. No.

I don't wanna go.

♪ Well, I'm feelin' kinda funny 'Cause life is like a game ♪

♪ Facin' like an enemy ♪

♪ That's just who I-- That's just who I am ♪

5,679.

"What if there is a snake in the toilet, and I don't notice, and I sit down,

and the snake goes up my bum and then there's a snake up my bum?"

Yep.

Honestly, I thought that would be higher.

Is that number one? What is it?

Intimacy. You're afraid of intimacy.

Okay, have we double-checked " Snake in the bum"

- because that's not at all-- - I'm going to give you some homework.

Before you come in to see me next week,

I want you to tell one person in your life you love them.

I want you to say it without qualification, without minimising it,

without turning it into a joke.

It could bring us closer to your power.

Can you do that for me?

Course. Easy.

Okay.

Okay. Okay, just do it.

Hey. Hey.

I need to tell you something while maintaining eye contact,

so don't even think about blinking.

I--

What are you doing?

Oh, um.

People get to be other things on Halloween, right?

- Yes. - So, I'm gonna be a cat.

Cats don't have responsibilities. Cats don't have to pay taxes,

or raise children, or brush their teeth every week.

I'm sorry, week?

- See you in the morning. - Wait! Um, before you go, um--

Hey. So, I, uh, just wanted to let you know...

You know... ...I really, like, appreciate you and...

Pfft! I fucking love ya, bro!

Did you just say you love me?

Maybe, I don't know. What are you, the love police?

Ever heard of ACAB, pig?

Ha! That's what you sound like, mate.

I'ma break it down for you

Mom, I love you.

Mother, I have come to love you.

Mum, you gave me life. I love you.

Okay.

Please leave a message for...

- You fucking bitch! - Hello.

You don't have anything better to be doing.

- This is Mary Regan. - I hope you get dementia!

Mum! Mother. Mama.

I was just calling to say I love you. Like children do. I love you so much.

I just want you to know that. Love, love, love!

One in, one out, you animals!

Move, losers.

Okay. Sexy.

Hello again, darling.

I didn't invite you.

Aw, spoilsport.

Can't a girl have a little fun?

You gonna be long?

Two minutes.

Is that a man I hear?

Don't you dare.

Why don't you come on in here and help me wipe, big boy?

Uh, gee.

I feel like you can do that yourself.

Dammit. I'm out of practice.

Get out!

Never! I wanna suckle from the teat of life!

I want this body, darling.

And I always get what I want.

Carrie? Are you okay?

Did you stick on a wax strip and get too scared to pull it off?

I'm Dahlia. I'm Dahlia.

I'm Carrie. I'm Carrie. I'm Carrie.

Carrie?

Carrie?

Hello, handsome.

♪ Let's have a satanic orgy ♪

♪ Deep in the forest In the dead of night ♪

♪ The full moon is the only light ♪

♪ 'Round a magic circle Our bodies start to sway ♪

♪ All the pretty witches Have come out to play ♪

♪ Take a ride on my broom ♪

♪ We're naked under the moon ♪

♪ Maybe I'll make love to you ♪

We're closed!

If you want to steal something, just take it. I don't care.

No, no!

Please, just stay still.

Hey, what are you doing?

No, no, no! Wait. Wait.

That's not Carrie.

Oh, God.

Two of you. That's more like it.

The devil's triangle. What is it the French say?

The fuck à trois?

What? Then who is it?

- Some old actress. - Old, he says? Look at me.

I'm young and lithe.

Carrie, stop fucking around! Snap out of it!

Carrie's gone, red. It's Dahlia from now on.

Practice that with your tongue.

Hey. Joan Crawford. Fuck off out of that body. It's not yours.

Make me.

What should we do?

We're doing an exorcism.

♪ Got hair as black as night ♪

♪ Got a skirt that's a-ooh so tight ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you I've got an itch ♪

♪ She's my witch ♪

Once you have them restrained,

I like to go in and evoke Jesus Christ.

They hate that.

Step one, first one is my favourite step.

- You're gonna shout... - Ugh, she keeps looking at me.

- ..."The power of Christ"... - Well, then don't look.

I can't. She keeps...

...doing that.

Stop giving her attention.

- It's what she wants. - Okay.

I just love this position so much. This is my personal...

Have you two ever fucked?

- Ew. No. - No!

What do you mean, "ew"? I didn't say, "ew."

I didn't mean "ew" like you disgust me.

I did, but I didn't say that, 'cause it would be rude.

It just came out! It was instinctual.

Also, I just processed that. Wow, very mean.

Ooh!

Stop it! She's getting in our heads.

Okay, I'm bored of this.

No.

♪ I like to wear my human skin outside In disguise ♪

How did you, um--

A veteran like me has wrists of steel, darling.

You know, from all the handjobs.

Ugh, yeah, we got it.

♪ Okay, cool It's a party with my ghouls ♪

No. No.

Hello.

Where'd she go?

Come on. We need to find her.

Mm-hmm.

Are you serious? It's Carrie.

She's built like a strand of dry spaghetti.

No, it's not Carrie I'm scared of.

Dahlia was a psycho.

She had six husbands,

and five of them died falling down the stairs.

- Well, you know that's-- - And the sixth one shot himself

in the back with a crossbow.

I need your help here.

Carrie needs your help.

Or...

...maybe Carrie can just share with this lady.

Okay, we get Carrie Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and she can take the rest.

Absolute coward.

Fine.

Stay here then. All by yourself.

♪ We wish you a Merry Christmas We wish you a Merry Christmas ♪

You really shouldn't leave sharp objects lying around.

Terribly unsafe.

Just get back!

Shame. I prefer them circumcised.

Stop making her gross. She wouldn't like it.

What about what I like, hmm? I like this body.

I like being alive.

So, we can't have you spilling the beans on me, can we?

No.

Huh?

Look at you, Braveheart!

Are you crying?

No.

♪ I took my baby to a horror show ♪

♪ That's the only place she wants to go ♪

♪ She thinks that Dracula is so divine ♪

♪ And she wants to go steady With the Frankenstein ♪

He's in! Third one today.

Think of all the unwanted kittens we're preventing.

Hello, little man!

You can plead for your testicles all you want.

I can't hear you.

You won't feel a thing.

And you're really better off not being a father.

Too much responsibility.

I dropped my nephew on his head the other day,

no one saw, and I just didn't tell anybody.

Not my problem.

Right.

Reginald's escaped from his cage again.

How does he keep doing that?

Reginald?

Reginald?

You can't walk back to Nicaragua, Reggie. We've been through this.

Ow! Shit it anyway!

Oh.

Well, that's still okay because that dosage is only enough for a ca...

Libertade.

Libertade!

Not so scary now, are you?

Ha! Oh, I bet you'd love to stab me, wouldn't you?

Go on, then. Too scared? Come on.

Oh, Jesus!

- Kash! Stop it. - Sorry.

God, I've no idea how to do an exorcism.

- Mum? - Jen! Are you okay?

- Wha-- - Whatever it is, you can tell me.

Cancer? AIDS? That thing that makes your bones go soft?

Oh, God! You're not thinking of ending it all, are you?

Life is worth living, Jen! Even for you!

What are you talking about?

That was a very worrying voicemail you left.

Using the L word like that.

- So, you thought I was dying? - Well, aren't you?

No, I'm not dying! I was just-- I was trying to be nice.

Well, don't ever do that again! I had to take three buses to get here.

I didn't even have a chance to get out of my costume.

Oh, Jesus, Mum.

Looking good, Mary.

- Whore! - Uh, yeah, she's possessed.

We've kind of run out of ideas.

- Don-- - So--

Possessed?

I've seen this before.

A man in my village when I was small.

How did you drive it out?

Well, we beat him with sticks.

And it turned out he-he wasn't possessed in the end.

He was just Portuguese. Lovely man.

But I did learn a lot from the priest that day.

You have to meet evil with evil.

You are not welcome here.

And we will drive you out of this innocent lamb,

you harridan of Satan's own hole!

Be gone! I command--

What's her name?

Uh-- I don't remember.

I don't think anyone does anymore.

- Mmm. - Delia?

- Delilah? - Delilah?

Dahlia!

It's not difficult.

Come on, Tito!

Tito, no!

Leave the cat alone! Tito!

♪ I was a teenage Frankenstein I was a teenage Frankenstein, oh, yeah ♪

♪ I was a teenage Frankenstein ♪

♪ I was a teenage Frankenstein I was a teenage Frankenstein, oh, yeah ♪

People still know my name.

- I'm still a star. - Can you guys name a single film

- she's been in? - No.

Not one. Not a clue.

Oh, come on. In the Port Rightly?

- Mm-mmm. - No.

The Angel of Cleveland?

- Of where? - Never heard of it.

- The Gun Goes Bang? - Never heard of them.

Of course it goes bang. What else would it do?

Now, Vivien Leigh.

Oh.

- Incredible. Mmm. Yep. - Timeless.

Talentless prude.

- Grace Kelly. - Love her. Oh.

- Lauren Bacall. - Oh!

Elizabeth Taylor.

- We remember them. - You think you're being clever?

I know what you're doing. And it's not gonna work.

See, I have to stay to rebuild my legacy.

You will never make it as an actress.

And Carrie's already too old to play ingénues.

- No! No! - Uh-huh, uh-huh.

You've got two more years of playing 25. And after that,

- you might as well be dead again! - No, no, no, no--

Don't listen to them! Don't listen to them!

She's already got crow's feet!

- Look! - No! No! No, don't!

It isn't true!

Look, goddamn you! Look!

I think I've bitten her tongue.

Get out of my friend, you bitch!

Whoops.

We have been too soft with her.

Kash, get the sticks.

Prepare for war, you she-devil!

I'll never leave!

- Waterboard her! - Carrie.

No, stop, stop, stop!

What are you doing?

I think we've been talking to the wrong person.

Hey, bud. I know you're in there, and I know you're stronger than her.

Be quiet!

Because you're Carrie Jackson.

Y-You think ordering negronis makes you seem grown-up.

You've never been able to cook aubergines right.

You finish books you don't even like because you think they'll feel bad.

You're a total fucking nerd!

You're my best friend. I love you.

I'm sorry for causing a fuss.

Hey.

- Are you okay? - Yeah. She's gone.

Well, my work here is done.

You didn't do anything.

You're welcome.

Are you okay?

I'm so glad you're back.

Yeah. Me too.

Did you say I had crow's feet?

You're confused.

Oh.

♪ Hold on, you don't want no problems I'm a monster ♪

♪ Oh, you scared I make you shake, I make you shudder ♪

We brought you a dressing gown.

I-I don't want to be a cat!

Is it too late to be a slut?