Original subtitles

♪ Girl, I'm 'bout to have a panic attack ♪

♪ I did the work, it didn't work, ah, ah ♪

♪ That truth, it hurts, goddam, it hurts Ah, ah ♪

♪ That lovey-dovey shit Was not a fan of it ♪

♪ I'm good with my friends I don't want a man, girl ♪

♪ I'm in my bed I'm way too fine to be here alone ♪

♪ On other hand, I know my worth, ah, ah ♪

♪ And now he callin' me ♪

♪ Why do I feel like this? ♪

♪ What's happenin' to me? Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Am I ready? Girl, there ain't a doubt ♪

♪ Am I ready? What you talkin' 'bout? ♪

♪ Am I ready? You gon' figure it out ♪

♪ To be loved, to be loved ♪

♪ Am I ready? You deserve it now ♪

♪ 'Cause I want it That's what I'm talkin' about ♪

Ooh!

♪ Am I ready? You gon' figure it out ♪

Morning.

♪ To be loved, to be loved ♪

♪ How am I supposed to Love somebody else? ♪

♪ When I don't like myself, like, ooh ♪

♪ Guess I better learn to like this, ooh ♪

♪ It might take my whole life just to Let me know ♪

♪ Am I ready? Girl, there ain't a doubt ♪

♪ Am I ready? What you talkin' 'bout? ♪

♪ Am I ready? You gon' figure it out To be loved ♪

♪ Am I ready? You deserve it now ♪

♪ 'Cause I want it That's what I'm talkin' about ♪

♪ Am I ready? ♪

Wait, why are you happy?

Why shouldn't I be? Boom!

- You don't remember last night? - Nah.

Must've gotten too drunk and blacked out.

You kept turning back time to try and stop me from breaking up with you.

But she did anyway.

Oh, that rings a bell.

I think we should break up.

Oh, no. Oh, God. No, no, no. It's all coming back to me.

No, no, no. Unring the bell.

- Unring the bell. - Don't be sad. Uh, look.

Gordon gave Jen his come money for the clinic.

A-And Jizzlord and I are a couple.

A couple of what?

A couple. A couple, couple. A romantic pairing.

- What? - I know. It is adorable.

No-- What? It's gross. What-- Isn't that illegal?

- You can't fuck your cat. - Hey! No.

He's a man that can turn into a cat.

Not a cat that turns into a man. Totally different. Right?

Mm-hmm.

I need to lie down.

Where is he anyway? He went out to the shops ages ago.

- Hello. - Hi.

That man looks like Daddy.

Rob, I--

Rob, it's me. Nora, your wife.

Mmm. Yeah.

Maybe he's got a secret family.

Oh, we were just talking about you.

I haven't got a secret family!

Stop eavesdropping on us, you big weirdo.

Anything interesting happen at the shops?

Nope.

Huh.

11,970. 11,990.

If your power is category five,

please remember to sign in and out of security.

Oh.

12,000.

Welcome to the Power Discovery programme.

- Yes, yay. - Okay. Wh-What now?

Is there a machine?

No. You're going to be having weekly

one-on-one sessions with a qualified coach.

Oh. So, who's my coach?

Uh, George. Oh, that's him over there, actually.

He's a bit of a DILF, right?

- Carrie! - What? He is.

You've been single for two minutes and you're already perving on local DILFs.

He's giving sexy professor.

He's 85.

I'd still ride him, though, yeah.

- He's coming over. - What?

Denise. Do you have discharge forms for Mr Lowry?

One minute. You have a new client.

Oh.

Hello.

Uh, me, Jen. Me Jen. My name's Jen. Sorry.

No power. Twenty five. A lot of work.

- So, when do we start? - Well, um, how's right now?

Now, now?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, okay.

After you.

Thanks, Dad.

♪ Yeah, I'm confident More than competent ♪

♪ Think I'll probably Put my name on a monument ♪

- I see you've met Denise. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's great.

Hmm, really? I think she's a sour-faced dickhead.

Oh, my God, isn't she? Sulphureous bitch.

So. Do you know what I'm here to do?

Fix me?

Not quite, no.

Some people think powers are a physical thing.

A chemical or some bullshit. I don't.

I think they come from up here,

and it's likely there is some psychological blockage

we have to overcome before you can get your power.

Because it is in there. And it's my job to take you inside your mind and find it.

So, is that like talk therapy or--

Oh, no. I mean literally.

May I?

Mmm.

Welcome to your mind.

Or at least the physical space your subconscious has rendered your mind into.

- This is my mind? - Mm-hmm.

It's a shithole.

And somewhere in this shithole is the thing that's blocking your power.

And the books are--

I'd imagine they're everything you've ever felt, thought or done.

Found something useful?

♪ You have to stand up for yourself ♪

Subtle.

Where do you even begin?

Well, let's take it slow. Give yourself a few days to prepare.

Reassess your environment, your habits. Make space for the journey.

- That sounded really wanky, didn't it? - Yeah, but I know what you mean.

This is a fresh start. Everything's gonna change.

I'm going to change.

Let's set realistic expectations.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Totally.

- What are you doing? - Clean slate.

Anything that might hold me back from the new Jen is going into the void.

The pit of unwanted things. The Mystery Hole.

What? That thing people fly-tip into in Walthamstow?

Yeah.

We're doing it too, Kash. Out with the old.

We could sit around moping about breaking up,

or we see this as an opportunity to reinvent ourselves. A fresh start.

No, no, no. You can't throw that out. No.

Kash, come on.

What-- And this?

What even is it?

And-And these. Come on. What's wrong with these?

- Kash. - What? They're still good.

See? They still go on.

You can't just change everything overnight.

Course you can!

It's not possible to escape your past.

It clings to you like dust settling into the once clean carpet of your future.

And the Hoover of change has poor suction.

Jizz? Scratchin' the sofa.

Oh.

Jizz? Jizzlord?

They don't even cover your bumhole!

- Even better. - How is that better?

- You okay? - Me? Yeah. Okay as a clam.

You haven't been eating.

You're hiding away in small spaces, excessively grooming.

You're obviously stressed.

And I think I know why.

Uh, I don't know how to do this either. The whole relationship thing.

So, let's just start by going on a date.

Like a proper date. A first date, technically. Just you and me.

Yeah, because there isn't another person involved.

Um, true.

So, I'll book a restaurant.

Just-- Just let me show you!

Here?

Trousers down, squat, wipe, trousers up.

No fuss. Maximum efficiency.

The life of these pants is only just beginning.

- They are a health hazard! - It's good bacteria.

♪ Hello, world, let me tell you who I am ♪

♪ Hello, world I don't think you understand ♪

Oh, I love a breakup makeover.

When Danny Fruss dumped me right before Italia 90,

I went out and got the whole works.

Perm, boobs, adult braces.

I thought, when this man sees me again, he won't know what hit him.

What happened? What'd he do?

He drowned. Scuba diving accident in Turkey.

Very, very sad.

I want a completely different look. Something totally new.

But what is that specifically?

I don't know. I have no idea who I am or what I want.

- Please tell me who I am and what I want. - Carrie, no.

The point of a breakup makeover is to relearn how to be a new person.

I could use a little guidance.

Do we know anyone who has absolutely smashed a breakup?

Mm-hmm.

Yes, well he sounds like an absolute little shit, darling.

Uh, no, Diana. He's not that bad. He just needs to grow up a bit.

Mm-hmm.

I closed the shop for a week when you died.

Woolworths was open the whole time.

Oh! Can you sign me plates? Wait here.

So, uh, what do you think I should do, Your Highness of a--

Miss, Miss, Mrs, Miss, Mrs, Miss Princess.

Mmm.

Let's go total tart.

- And I should get a fringe. - Oh, my God. No.

Absolutely do not do that.

♪ I got a whole lot of confidence ♪

♪ Don't be mad at my competence ♪

♪ 'Cause you shower me in compliments ♪

Kash, can I ask you for some advice?

I've been expecting this. You want to know how to have a girlfriend.

Why would I ask you? You don't have a girlfriend.

I'd usually go on my smoke break now, but I don't even miss it.

- I actually feel really energised. - Mmm.

Oh, yes, straight in with the leather.

Self-improvement is a piece of piss.

Oh, hi.

Sorry.

I'm looking for someone.

Uh, I was wondering if you could put this poster up in your window.

- Yeah. Who are you looking for? - My husband.

Well, if I can help in any way, I will.

You don't have the context, but basically, I'm good now.

Robert Clutton?

Do you know him?

No.

Well. Thank you anyway.

I can't breathe, Your Highness.

That's how you know it's working, darling.

What do you think?

I ain't got a Sharpie, but I found a very wet biro.

I did have a girlfriend though.

I've had three girlfriends, if you count pen pals. So, I'm kind of an expert.

Oh, great. That's exactly what I need. Because, um, basically, um...

Jizzlord has a wife.

And a son?

And she came in here, she's looking for him.

And I bumped into them yesterday, and they remember me.

But I didn't tell her that I know him.

And I haven't told Jen.

It's okay. It's okay. We can figure this out.

Oh, my God, you're fucked.

You're absolutely fucked.

This kicks up so many emotional and moral questions, like--

- Is she hot? - She did seem quite symmetrical.

Pretty. Like toothbrush ad pretty.

What are you gonna do?

I thought you'd tell me. You said you were the expert!

I don't know!

You have to tell him.

Uh, but what if I just, like, don't?

As somebody who knows who he actually is, you can't keep that from him.

- What if he likes her more than me? - It's your new chapter, remember?

You really want to start it lying to someone you care about?

I keep meaning to tell her,

but every time I start thinking about it,

and then I can't stop thinking even though I tell my brain not to.

Hey! Don't let your brain push you around like that.

Look, I used to be anxious.

And now, when I think about having a thought, I just don't.

The next time you see Jen, you're going to look her in the eye,

and you're going to tell her.

- But-But what if-- - Ah, ah.

That sounds a lot like thinking.

Oh.

- Happy date. - Happy date.

So, where's the restaurant?

Should be here.

Hmm.

You look for Little Italy?

Yeah.

It's there.

Whoa.

How do we get in?

- I boop. - Huh?

Ooh.

He needs booping too. Por favor!

Thank you!

Ow! Is this the void pile?

What are you wearing?

Oh, it's my new edgy look. I'm edgy now.

If there's an edge out there, I'm on it. Not over it, but right up there.

Well, you looked fine before.

Why can't people just stop messing with things?

Look, I know you're feeling uncertain about the future.

So, I have drawn up a super-casual list of stuff we should do

and shouldn't do post-breakup or, you know, whenever.

- A contract? - Not a contract.

A vibe check. A formal, legally binding vibe check.

So, we're in agreement that the social media announcement

shall take place on the 28th in the form of a story.

No use of emojis. Just plain text.

Sidebar. What about one broken heart?

- What colour? - Black.

That is classy. I will allow it.

Mm-hmm.

♪ Things just really aren't that bad ♪

♪ I just stay in my room too long ♪

♪ But I finally got a girlfriend And she's the bomb ♪

♪ Hi, hello ♪

Right, there's something I have to tell you,

and I'm just going to come right out with it.

I've stalled long enough.

So, yesterday, I'm in the shop...

which is a building with four walls and, of course as we know, a roof.

Eh, it-it was a grey day. Maybe 12, 13 degrees Celsius.

And as I approached a customer,

putting one foot in front of the other as is the fashion,

left, then right, then left and, uh,

as you might imagine, followed by right again.

Jen, I know who I am.

I'm, uh, your boyfriend.

And that's all I want to be.

Oh, hey, look. That's how couples eat.

We should, um--

Let's-- Yeah.

Uh-uh.

Oh, now this is egregious.

Both parties may enter into a sexual act with another partner or partners

no sooner than six weeks post-separation.

Sexual acts include but are not limited to fellatio, cunnilingus, penetration,

handjobs, fisting, 69ing, nipple stimulation,

touching with the intent of stimulation

and open-mouthed kissing lasting more than 30 seconds.

Okay, okay.

Sexual interaction will be permitted four weeks post-separation.

- Which is a good faith concession. - With the exception of hand stuff.

- Over the jeans. - No, it's got to be under.

Not to completion.

I can work with that.

Mmm.

Mmm. Hmm.

'Kay. Clause two. Moving out.

I've suggested a very generous eight-week search time,

because flat hunting in London is horrendous and,

you're very bad with numbers.

Wait, you want me to move out? Why am I the one moving out?

Well, I mean-- Well--

- It's 'cause I have the penis, isn't it? - No, no.

Well, I mean-- Yeah, but--

No, but you broke up with me. I'm the victim here.

It's not just moving out. It's moving on.

- You're clinging to the past. - No, I'm not.

Really? Then throw away just one thing.

- Just the pants. - No.

No, I forbid you to throw anything out. And I'm not signing.

Jesus, I'm starving.

Have the leftovers.

It's a lovely spaghetto.

One sec.

Hello.

Hey. Ooh, some of these. Yes.

What else have we got?

- Fabulous. - Thank you.

Ready?

Mm-hmm. Oh.

♪ No in-between ♪

♪ They want me to look pretty And they want me to look clean ♪

♪ Big no, big yes No in-between ♪

♪ They want me to be happy ♪

Where are they? Where's my pants?

Oh, uh, Carrie put them in one of her big bags and left.

She's taking my stuff to the void.

She's gonna throw it all into the void, and then it'll be gone forever.

♪ Don't change just for the trend It's too quick to end ♪

♪ Keep on tryin' to grow In your mind there are seeds you can sow ♪

♪ Don’t wait for the world to end ♪

♪ Before you give a hand ♪

♪ Keep on tryin' to grow In your mind there are seeds you can sow ♪

♪ Don’t change just for the trend It’s too quick to end ♪

What's going in?

The old Carrie.

You can't throw bodies in. That's, like, rule number one.

No, no. It's metaphorical.

- See, me and my boyfriend-- - I don't care. Oi.

Five quid.

I really think I'd suit it. There's a fringe for every face shape.

♪ L-O-V-E I-T, I love it ♪

♪ I'm a boss with a card out So run it ♪

♪ Right now ♪

♪ L-O-V-E I-T I love it ♪

♪ Cut the price tag off now and bag it ♪

♪ Right now ♪

Ah!

Ah, that felt good.

Yeah, this is healthy! I think.

Bye-bye, girlfriend Carrie!

Oh, I feel so free!

♪ How we gonna have fun? How we gonna have fun? ♪

♪ How we gonna have fun? How we gonna have fun? ♪

- Jen, I'm gonna do it. - Carrie, no.

- I'm gonna do it. - Don't do it!

It's happening.

Aw.

Oh, my God.

How does it look?

I--

Is that--

I-I'm just going to go check something over there.

You need to go.

My sexy little carafe.

Aw.

- I'm so proud of you! - Oh!

Hey!

Those are my pants!

Kash.

Now, under UK law, they are my property,

and I will not hesitate to sue for damages.

- Kash. - They have immense sentimental value and--

I know.

I thought I could just move forward, but...

...this is really sad.

Well, yeah, we broke up.

Yeah, but I did the breaking off.

I'm supposed to feel new and free like a...

...like a sexy spring lamb.

Well, it's sad when things end.

Even if your boyfriend was terrible and dumb

and held you time captive to stop you from breaking up with him.

God, it gets worse every time I try and describe it.

♪ It's makin' my head decay, head decay ♪

♪ When I walk by, they screamin' ♪

♪ Isn't anybody home in there Home in there, I know ♪

♪ When they wind me up I can make it through hell and back ♪

♪ Hell and back ♪

♪ Me in my horror ♪

♪ A day in my horror ♪

- Do you-- - How do--

So, we both...

I don't know why we're laughing.

Oh, we're going to be okay.

I lied to you. You lied to me. Isn't lying bad?

Yes. Except when we do it for a good reason.

Right!

No. Hmm.

I don't really care about the pants. It's just--

Well, it's just, at first, it's me throwing away a pair of pants,

but then it's me moving out, and then I stop getting invited to things,

and then you all forget about me.

You don't have to move. We can figure something out.

Are you sure?

We can't live in the past.

But why didn't you tell me?

I'm afraid of you.

Okay, but more than that.

And, uh, I'm scared it might ruin this.

And that's why you didn't tell me.

Which is a good thing because--

We actually care enough to lie to each other.

Do you know how much effort that is to go to for a relationship?

Normally I don't even travel outside of Zone 2.

So really, this is a good thing.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

I hate it. I hate it so much. Actually--

Think I'm gonna be sick.

They're coming.

It's okay. We both know.

Jen threw up.

Hey, don't tell them that.

Why do I hate looking at you now?

My hair!

I-I forgot. Is it bad?

I'm definitely not your boyfriend anymore, right?

Oh, my God, it's bad.

It's really bad, Carrie. It's disgusting.

Honestly? The worst thing I've ever seen.

Uh, turn back time. Fix it. Fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it, fix it.

Right, okay. It's been awhile.

Try to push for a new PB.

Five minutes.

Maybe if I cut it more to even it out.

Do you think she's pretty? I swear, I really don't care. I promise.

- Yeah, she is. - Oh. Well.

Why don't you just go and marry her again then if I'm so repulsive to you?

You're pretty too.

Okay, so now I'll just cut more on this side to even it up.

Oh, you should write poetry.

Well, that's new.

Okay and now this side's shorter. That's okay. I'll just cut it even more.

I think I can make it work.

Okay, give me the scissors.

♪ Chilled in the kitchen of a city tomb ♪

♪ The light would flicker Like a violent womb ♪

Just to check. There's no other massively important things you want to tell me

- before I meet your secret wife? - No.

♪ Ben, he loved her like he loved no one ♪

♪ The way she laughed And held a smoking gun ♪

Daddy! Daddy!

Oh, yeah. One more thing.

♪ You wish You were ♪

♪ Like her ♪

Breakup?

Someone said I could pull it off.

Been there.

♪ Joni is a punk babe Joni is the second wave ♪

♪ Joni is a black jean jacket ♪

♪ Joni's in the first band Joni has a cool hand ♪

♪ Joni knows the problem is systematic ♪

♪ Joni cut the tour line Joni doesn't have time ♪

♪ Joni likes to dart on stage ♪

♪ Joni's on a juice cleanse Joni doesn't need friends ♪

♪ 'Cause Joni's Got the whole room trained ♪

♪ You wish You were ♪

♪ Like her ♪

♪ I bet she never cared about you ♪

♪ You wish ♪

♪ You were ♪

♪ Like her ♪