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- Thank you.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Thanks, everybody.

Thanks for clapping so much.

I appreciate that.

And thanks to anyone at home who was clapping.

That's kind of weird, but I appreciate it.

This is the end of a long tour for me.

I've been traveling so much to get ready for this show,

and I went all over the country,

so I'm psyched to be back in New York.

Nice to be home. Yeah.

It's a good place to be.

A lot of times when I fly when I travel,

I have to fill out a customs form.

They ask me all these questions.

And when I answer the questions,

it makes me feel like I had a crappy trip.

"Were you on a farm in the last four days?"

No.

"Did you touch any livestock?"

No.

"Do you have any firearms?"

No! I didn't do anything good!

Next time, I'm gonna touch a cow, and I'm gonna shoot it.

I like people-watching, mostly this one woman.

Kind of narrowed it down.

I'm doing 'em one at a time.

Do some person-watching, you know?

I wish my name started with a comma.

I think that would be a little more interesting

when people introduce me.

"This is Brian and Chris and...

Demetri."

"What's up with that last guy?

"He sounds interesting.

Got a patient dude there, huh?"

It's weird when you introduce somebody.

You say like, "This is Frank."

It sounds pretty normal until you think about it,

you know?

"This."

"Hey, guys, this...

"This stuff right here,

this is Frank."

"Excuse me, what is that?"

"This? This is Frank."

"Oh, that's what that is. All right."

I guess it should be "He is Frank,"

but that sounds weirder somehow.

Walk up with a person and be like,

"Hey, guys. He is Frank.

Frank, take it away. Go ahead."

"What are you saying 'he' for?

I'm right here. What's--?"

It's like when you call somebody, you know?

You have to say, "This is."

Like, "Hello?"

"This is Demetri."

You can't be like, "Hello?"

"I am Demetri."

"What?"

"Take me to your leader."

But then when you go up to someone in person,

the rule flips.

It's the opposite. It's weird.

I walk up to you, I have to be like,

"Hi, I am Demetri."

I can't walk up to you and go,

"This is Demetri.

You like this?"

"This is an idiot.

This is going."

Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up,

and they yell the word "surprise"

at the party.

I came home, and you emerged from my furniture.

You don't have to tell me how to feel.

I don't need a hint.

It's not like if you said a different emotion,

then I would feel that instead.

I come home and you're like,

"Confidence!"

"Oh, all right, yeah. Conf--"

Yeah.

Smoking is a big problem.

We can't get people to quit smoking,

and warnings don't work.

I think you gotta change the cigarettes.

You know what I mean?

If you change the shape of the cigarettes,

maybe that would do it.

Like, if you had a cigarette that had, like,

two balls hanging from it.

"This doesn't look as cool as it used to.

I gotta quit. This is ridiculous."

"Surgeon general warning:

cigarette may contain tiny, hairy balls."

When somebody commits a murder-suicide,

that's probably someone

who's not thinking through the afterlife.

"Bam! You're dead.

"Bam! I'm dead.

"Oh, hey.

"Oh, shit.

This is gonna be awkward forever."

When there's somebody who's dead,

and then someone does something

that that person would not have liked,

they say that that person is spinning in their grave,

but I don't understand why they say that.

Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?

That doesn't make any sense.

I mean, if we showed disapproval

that way when we were alive,

then it would make sense.

"Oh, man, I am so pissed at you right now.

You have no idea how mad I am."

"Oh, shit, Demetri's spinning.

Let's get out of here."

If I lived below a tap dancer,

I would just put really powerful magnets

on the ceiling.

"What's that?

"We're not tapping shit now, are we?

"More of a tap stander we got up there.

"Oh, now we're moving.

"Oh, over to the window. Look at that.

Ah, there we go."

When a Dalmatian sees a cow, he must be like,

"What the hell happened to him?

"I am high right now.

That Dalmatian is fat and smeary."

When the cow sees the Dalmatian,

he must be like,

"He looks amazing.

"I am so out of shape. This is ridiculous.

My tits are on the ground here."

I was in the store, and I saw prune juice on the shelf.

And I stopped 'cause I thought, "Wait a minute...

"I thought prunes were dried plums.

"What the hell is this stuff?

"How hard are we squeezing these prunes?

"This is plum juice, isn't it, prunes?

"This is plum juice. Nice try, prunes.

"Trying to take plums' credit,

which is not surprising behavior."

If digestion is a party in your stomach,

then prunes are the cops showing up to ruin it.

Food's in there just like, "Oh, we're digesting."

Prunes show up.

"All right, lights on. Party's over.

Everybody out. Move. Go, go, go."

A piece of broccoli's like,

"But my friend's still in there."

"I don't give a shit. No pun intended.

Get out."

When I first heard the term "training bra,"

I was freaked out.

I was pretty young, and I said,

"Did you just say 'training bra'?

"They're training their chests?

I had no idea."

You see some lady, her boobs are everywhere.

"What's her deal?"

"Those are untrained titties."

"What?" "You've gotta train 'em

"when they're young, or they go wild.

"You can't have free-range boobs bouncing all over the place.

"She was sitting on the couch,

"one just punched her in the face.

She wasn't even moving."

Sometimes, if a woman has a really nice butt,

she'll wear tight pants.

Then everybody looks at her butt when she walks by.

That's nice,

but it seems like a waste.

Everybody's looking there,

I feel like we should put important information

on the butt.

We should put the photos

of missing children right on there.

"Damn!

We gotta find that boy."

The hardest compliment to give is "nice face."

"Hey, nice face."

"Fuck you."

"Okay. I liked your face, but--"

I go to the gym, and I try to run on the treadmill.

And I listen to music,

but it doesn't motivate me enough.

So I'm gonna get a recording

of a pack of wolves gaining on me.

People will be like, "Why is that guy crying

on that treadmill over there?"

"I don't know, but he's been yelling 'Help!'

"for, like, 20 minutes.

He's getting a good workout."

When I was in high school, I experimented sexually.

The experiment was to never have sex with anybody,

no matter how hard I tried.

Success!

Hypothesis confirmed.

When you're having sex with somebody,

you can say "yes," or "yeah,"

or "uh-huh,"

but for some reason, you can't say "yup."

"Yup. Oh, yup, baby.

"Yup, yup, yup, yup.

"Indeed!

Affirmative."

All right, let's bring out this thing.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

Thank you.

I love it.

I love, love these pages.

Not in, like, a-- [laughs]

Not that way, you know?

All right, I got some drawings

I want to show you guys.

First, I got a product I came up with.

It's called a baby silencer.

I thought of this on an airplane.

There was this baby crying and bothering everybody.

I was thinking, "How could I get that baby quiet?"

Then it hit me. It's a baby silencer.

It's a funnel that the baby wears over its nose and mouth

with a tube that goes to headphones

to the baby's own ears.

Baby's like, "Waah! Waah!

"Ow! Ow! Hello?

That's me. I should shut up."

Baby silenced. Perfect.

Yeah.

That's a girlfriend silencer.

That works temporarily.

Be careful. Be careful with that.

Now this is a graph.

Okay, karaoke.

This is how fun it is to watch the person doing it.

This is how bad the person is at it.

It's kind of an interesting curve,

'cause if they're not that bad at it,

it's kind of fun to watch.

You know, they're kind of singing on key or whatever.

Not great.

If they're a little worse at it,

it's terrible to watch.

It's, like, awkward.

It's not bad enough to be funny,

not good enough to be entertaining.

But if they're worse,

something magical starts to happen.

The worse they get, the more fun it is

to watch them struggle.

Tone deaf, drunk, standing on a chair.

Yes, this is what we want.

What's interesting is skiing follows the exact same curve.

Almost in the Olympics.

Never been on a hill before.

Also, reading aloud in class.

That story's pretty interesting,

but this story's way more interesting over here.

"Jimmy's an idiot. I had no idea.

"Sound it out, buddy.

"Come on, you can do it.

"I think we can still hang out.

Oh, man."

A lot of signs are lazy.

"Stop." "Exit."

They just tell you the word, and that's it.

But not "wet floor."

They give you the words and also a scenario.

"Wet floor. This could happen to you."

"Oh, crap. That kind of wet floor.

"I thought it was a command,

but then I saw the guy."

It's not that persuasive though.

This guy has no eyes or feet.

You have no eyes or feet?

Of course you fell.

Those are the top two things you need to not fall.

"Wait a minute, you're the guy from the bathroom.

"What are you doing out here? I just saw you in the back.

"You're running around with no face.

Come on, man."

I don't know when the question mark

first appeared, but I bet you

it worked immediately.

"Hey, man, check this out."

"What is that?"

"Exactly!

"We got it, Tony. This shape works.

"It's an exclamation point with severe scoliosis.

Write it down."

My friend was involved in a love triangle.

He liked this woman,

and this other guy also liked the woman,

but I tried to explain to him,

"That's a love angle that you're in.

You're involved in a love angle, man."

For it to be a love triangle, the two guys

also have to have something going on.

Now you got three vertices.

That's a love triangle.

And that's an orgy.

And that's a Mormon.

And that's a Mormon orgy. That's a "Morgy."

I don't know if these exist, but this is a schematic.

This is an ice cream flavor called "dead gnome."

Now I like popsicles as much as the next person,

but they're structurally unstable.

When I start eating it, I'm like, "This is good,"

but then I start thinking, "There's gonna be trouble soon.

"One of these sides is gonna fall off.

"It's gonna ruin my carpet.

This is gonna suck."

It's time to update popsicle sticks.

Now I don't have to worry. That's a little better.

Plus, I could make a crazy bridge

out of these.

This is how interesting you find your children,

and this is how interesting I find your children.

Which is how you want it, by the way.

That's how it should be.

You don't want the opposite.

This is-- That's not mean.

That's nature. That's correct.

Okay.

Pets are numerically interesting.

If you have one, that's okay.

If you have four, you're desperate.

If you have 32, you look crazy.

What's interesting is that teeth are the exact opposite.

I think it's time we update elevator buttons.

Yeah.

If you're a man and you're wearing a fur coat

and you're not an Eskimo, then you're a douche bag.

Okay, this is a diagram.

This is the interior of the head

of a man who cut me off in traffic a few weeks ago.

That's shit.

Finally, this is the amount a guy looks like Jesus

versus the probability that he has pot.

The more he looks like Jesus,

the more likely he is to have pot,

till we get to a critical point. "This one's on a cross.

"Uh-oh. We made a mistake. Let's get out of here."

And that's an end.

Thanks, everybody.

Thanks.

All right. Thanks, Jeff.

So I'm gonna do some more jokes here.

Anybody want to talk about anything?

- Crocodiles!

- "Crocodiles."

- Old people. - Old people.

Okay. - Jet packs.

- Old crocodiles. - If you combine those,

it's interesting.

I'll say this, it's really hard

to say good-bye to an alligator

without sounding cheesy.

"All right, alligator, I'll see you, uh...

"at some point in the future.

"Crocodile, I'll see you...

after some time has passed."

If I could talk to old ladies, I would tell 'em,

"Hey, uh, the amount of perfume you're putting on,

just divide that by a thousand."

I got a business idea.

I was gonna open a store in the Chicago airport,

one of the biggest airports in the country,

and have a big store right by one of the gates.

But in my store, I would just sell stuff

that says "Denver" on it.

So when people get off the plane,

they look at my store and they go,

"Oh, shit."

And if somebody came up to me and said,

"Excuse me, this is the Chicago airport.

You're selling stuff that says 'Denver' on it."

I would go, "Oh, shit.

"I knew I rushed into this investment.

Guess I'll just have to write 'Not' on everything."

"Where'd you get that sweatshirt?"

"Not Denver. Don't worry about it."

I went to book a flight,

and they had a reservation wizard

working on the website for the airline.

And then I went to get a hotel room,

and they had a hotel wizard.

Went to get a rental car, they have a rental wizard.

I mean, there are wizards

working all over the internet now, and that's sad

because you're using wizardry to do clerical work.

That's magic, man. That's wasted talent.

I guess the economy has really hit

the wizarding community pretty hard.

You never see witches getting those jobs though.

"Book a room using our hotel witch."

I'm not using a witch to get a hotel room.

Are you crazy?

I'll work with a wizard, but I'm...

I'm pretty sexist when it comes to using magic

for clerical travel stuff.

I don't usually fly in first class,

but I do fart in first class.

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Nah, I'm cool.

"I'm gonna head back to my seat.

Got a little lost. Sorry about that."

[sniffs] "It smells like coach up here."

I was having lunch with my friend,

and I said, "Hey, what's your middle name?"

He said, "I have two middle names."

I said, "Then you have no middle names.

You have a space."

Yeah.

We were having lunch, and I went to treat him.

I said, "Hey, I got this.

I'm gonna buy you lunch."

And he said, "Are you sure?"

Has anybody ever backed out at that point?

"Hey, man, I got this." "Are you sure?"

"I'm glad you brought that up.

"I was bluffing. I'm not sure at all.

"You called my bluff.

I got no money. You want to just run for it?"

I'm gonna go to a party,

and when people say, "What do you do?"

I'll say, "I make business cards for a living."

and then I'll pull one out that says, "See?"

When I'm cleaning up my apartment,

I feel like my dustpan is willing to help out

but just to a point.

Like, "All right, cool.

There's just a little bit left here."

And then the dustpan's like,

"I'm out right here."

"No, come on, dustpan. There's just dust left.

I mean, you're called a dustpan. Let's just do this."

"I'm not picking that up."

"The hell you're not. We're gonna go perpendicular.

You're picking this up."

It's like, "I said no.

"Take the broom and just redistribute it

around the room."

I had a mouse in my apartment.

That was like having the worst roommate ever.

"All right, who shit on the spoons?

"I'm gonna kill him. I'm gonna freaking kill him.

Somebody ate the corners of all my Doritos."

"Brian, the freaking mouse, right?"

"Yeah.

"Same guy who had sex under the refrigerator.

I'm gonna glue him to the floor...

Till he dies. I'm gonna glue-kill him."

If you say something trivial but you say your age before it,

then it sounds really important.

"I'm 43 years old. I want a sandwich."

"Give the man a sandwich."

If you say it in the past tense,

it sounds like you're starting your novel.

"I was 43 years old.

"I wanted a sandwich.

Chapter One."

If you say it in the future,

you sound like an idiot who had a time machine.

"Listen to me, when I'm 43 years old,

"I'll want a sandwich.

Don't give it to me."

When I cross the street, I always look both ways.

To not do that would be crazy.

But if I look both ways any other time in life,

then that looks crazy.

If I get a slice of pizza and I'm like...

"We got a sneaky pizza eater in here, watch out."

Bring a girl home at the end of a date, and I'm like,

"Well, I had a really good time tonight."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa."

"Is this your baby? Can I hold him?"

Just keep the eye on the baby.

You can't do that.

I saw a girl the other day,

and on a scale of one to ten, she was an eight.

And that wasn't good because the scale

was how many toes somebody has.

You want to be a ten on that scale.

I went on vacation, and I went snorkeling/

surprise-drinking a lot of water through a giant straw.

The snorkel will keep you alive or kill you way faster.

It's a very height-sensitive lifeline right there.

I've seen a lot of proud sponsors of things.

I'd like to see a reluctant sponsor.

"Subaru, reluctant sponsor of the WNBA."

I wish that they would just call the news "what's wrong."

"Hi, it's 6:00. Here's what's wrong."

Yeah.

"Now for the local news, here's the worst shit

"that happened the closest to you.

"Before we go to commercial,

"is something wrong in your house, stupid,

"that you don't know about?

Keep watching, dummy."

I wonder what the long form of "OK" is.

What's "OK" short for?

Is it "okeydokey"?

That would be interesting.

There are all these situations

that would sound much more interesting.

"Are you... okeydokey?"

"I'm okeydokey. Thank you.

That was a close call."

The surgeon comes out.

"She's gonna be okeydokey."

"Thank God, Doctor.

She's okeydokey, you guys."

"Your behavior in this office

is not okeydokey!"

You want to fight somebody.

"Okeydokey, let's do this."

"Okeydokey. Okeydokey, easy."

I saw a dog wearing a sweater,

and I thought that looked ridiculous

'cause dogs don't have arms.

If you're gonna put clothes on a dog,

you should put two pairs of pants on it.

See a dog with two pairs of skinny jeans.

That Rottweiler plays bass.

Cats have nine lives.

There's more than one way to skin a cat.

Cats always land on their feet.

I get it. You want me to fuck with cats.

My friend has catlike reflexes,

and it's not that he's fast.

He just sometimes randomly gets up

and runs out of the room.

"What's up with Joey?"

"He's got catlike reflexes, man.

"He just...

"If he rubs on your legs, don't worry about that.

That's totally cool."

I'm allergic to cats, but I don't usually say that.

It doesn't sound that tough, you know?

So what I usually say is that I'm allergic to lions.

"We have a cat. Is that gonna be a problem?"

"You know, I don't know. I'm allergic to lions.

"So maybe that includes regular cats too.

"I don't know, I've only really hung out

"with lions, kind of--

"and I don't anymore because of the sneezing, mostly.

"That's really the only reason, so...

Probably not."

I've never seen bat shit, but if I did,

I'd be like, "That's crazy.

"That's some crazy excrement right there.

"That looks like my ex-girlfriend's personality.

That's crazy."

Hugs are such a nice thing.

As human beings, we get to hug each other.

That's such a nice experience.

But it's so easy to make it go wrong.

If you're hugging somebody and you go,

"Mmm."

Or you could be hugging 'em and just go--

That hug is over.

If I want to get out of a hug, I don't do the pat,

I just go, "beep." They're like, "Okay, I'll see you, uh...

Never. All right, I'll see you never."

That's-- That's no good.

I was on the train, this lady said to me, "What's the time?"

I said, "Oh, it's...

the system we use to keep track of everything," I was just--

"You're blowing my mind here, lady.

I don't know. I'm just trying to get home."

I think a tree house is really insensitive.

That's like killing something

and then making one of its friends hold it.

I like silent letters.

When I see a silent letter in a word,

I try to picture what happened.

Just a bunch of letters hanging out, and they're like,

"Oh, we gotta go spell this word."

and there's one letter there that's like,

"Psst. Hey.

I'm gonna come with you guys."

"What?

That's ridiculous. You're a 'G.'"

"I won't say anything."

"I don't know, what do you guys think?"

"Come on, we'll mess with foreigners.

Like the word, 'foreigners,' that's me in the middle."

"All right."

"Damn right, 'all right,' that's me again."

Eating some candy, I looked on the wrapper,

and it said, "Made with natural and artificial flavors."

You could just say "flavors."

You've covered all permutations

in the natural world.

My friend uses air quotes a lot when she's talking...

which is fine,

except when I want to tell somebody what she said,

and then it's-- it's kind of awkward, you know?

"Yeah, Becky said the movie was 'good.'"

I got some cargo pants 'cause I had all this tiny cargo

that I needed to transport on my thighs."

[chuckles]

It's like, "How am I gonna move all this freight

"without using my hands?

"Cargo pants, that's perfect. That's perfect.

"It's kinda hot out though. Cargo shorts, yes!

I want to go swimming, you got a cargo Speedo?"

[laughs]

That's a bad idea.

Clothing sizes are weird; they go small, medium, large,

and then extra-large, extra-extra-large,

extra-extra-extra-large.

Something happened at "large."

They just gave up. They were like,

"I'm not doing any more adjectives.

You just keep putting 'extras' on there."

We could do better than that.

Small, medium, large...

whoa.

Easy.

Slow down.

Stop it.

Interesting.

American.

I don't like when I go to a clothing store

and I pick out some clothes, then I go to the dressing room,

and then they come, and they bother me when I'm in there.

"How's it working out for you in there?

You all right in there?"

When they're like, "How you doing in there?"

I go, "Uh...

"Not too good.

"I think I'm gonna kill myself.

Could you get me a belt, please?"

"You all right in there?" "Yeah, I'm naked.

Just popping some zits. You want to hop in?"

Just leave me alone.

"How's it going in there for you?"

"Ah, it's all right. I couldn't find the toilet, so I just went.

"You gotta finish these bathroom stalls, man.

Also, could you get me a few t-shirts?"

My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut.

It's nice.

Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts.

Then it's the worst soap possible.

[sniffs] "I can't tell if I made any progress in this situation.

This is how I started out. This sucks."

[sniffs] You see somebody smelling their hand,

there's never a good story behind that.

Just looks bad. If you try to make it look positive,

it just looks worse. If you're like...

"Let's talk to that guy."

I don't like automatic paper towel dispensers

because they don't tell you when they're not working.

So I just end up in the bathroom,

looking like a shitty magician for a few minutes.

"What do I have to do to get a piece of paper?"

An automatic paper towel dispenser

is a solution to something that was never a problem.

"Hey, you know how people get a paper towel when they need one?"

"Yeah, they just take their hand and pull it down,

and they have it."

"Yeah, we're gonna change that."

"What are you gonna do?"

"We're gonna use lasers and make it complicated."

"That seems kind of unnecessary."

"Yeah, very. That's the idea. We're gonna--"

"You got a lot of work to do."

"Yeah, 'cause we're also working on the sinks too."

"Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do?

You gonna fix, like, the hot and cold handles?"

"No, we're gonna get rid of those."

"But then they won't be able to adjust the water temperature."

"Fuck 'em."

Wow.

"We're gonna finish up with the toilets."

"Oh, yeah, what are you doing there?"

"You know when someone's sitting on the toilet,

and they move, like, a millimeter?"

"Yeah."

"Yeah, we were thinking of having

a roaring rapid explode under their ass that way."

"Why would you do that?"

"We're gonna scare the shit out of 'em, literally."

Thanks, Jeff.

All right.

If I just did, like, four back handsprings

and just f--

"Finally, some talent."

I like to write in coffee shops a lot.

Coffee shops are great because you can sit there

and do people-watching and just write your ideas down

in your notebook or whatever.

Sometimes I'll be sitting there at a table,

and there'll be, like, a lady at the table next to me,

and then she'll be like, "Um, excuse me,

"um, can you watch my stuff for a minute?

I have to go to the bathroom."

And I'll go, "Sure...

But I want it."

"What?"

"Your laptop is a newer model than the one I have.

"So when you get up, I'm gonna take it.

"Like, as soon as you get up.

"I'm just kidding. Go ahead, I'll watch your stuff,

that's fine."

One thing I like about coffee shops

is that they have bulletin boards,

and people can put up flyers on the bulletin boards,

so I started making my own flyers,

so I could just put one or two of 'em up on the way out.

So I wanted to show you some of the flyers.

For example, "Learn to play guitar and/or with my balls.'

"Not missing: dog, brown with spots.

Energetic, playful, everything's fine. Thanks!"

"Tuter for avelible.

Call pleze."

"For sale: one thesaurus, like new, or fresh,

"novel, unspoiled, recent, unused, green, modish, youthful,

contemporary, now, au courant, spic-and-span."

"So you want to learn how to play saxophone?

"I can stop you!

Call immediately."

"Free time machine! Call me two weeks ago."

"Babysitter. Available. Experienced. Cheap. Young.

Good at keeping secrets."

This is good for a music store.

"Lead singer wanted.

"Also, guitarist wanted, drummer wanted,

"bass player wanted... whole band wanted.

Have tambourine."

And then nearby, you can put up...

"Tambourine lessons.

"Expert tambourine player will teach you to play

"like a virtuoso.

"Experienced, trained, soon-to-be leader

of successful tambourine-based band."

People are like, "There's a new tambourine player

in Williamsburg, and he's not wasting time."

"Spacious, clean, cheap apartment available...

Never. Good luck, dipshit."

"Man with van (and fetish)."

For a restaurant, maybe...

"Missing: one rat, left here yesterday."

"Learn photography, then teach me.

Please, don't be a prick. Just do it."

"Free tiny strips of paper."

You can put this next to any flyer that's there already.

"That flyer is bullshit.

Call me, I will explain."

"Found: one cat, looks delicious.

Call by Friday. After that, never mind."

"I can see you right now.

Call this number to prevent me from getting you."

They're all ripped off.

"Excuse me, there's no numbers! Please don't get me!"

Finally, "Help!

"A wizard turned me into this piece of paper.

"Please lick me twice to break the spell.

Hurry, do it!"

Thanks, guys.

Appreciate that. Thank you.

Yeah.

When you're a kid, skipping is a perfectly acceptable way

to get around.

But then you get to a certain age,

and it has to stop.

You're not allowed to skip anymore.

It stops cold turkey,

and that's a shame because there are situations

where that's a good speed.

It's not running, it's not walking.

You're not jogging, which is tiring,

but it doesn't matter how perfect

the situation would be for it, it's not allowed, you know?

"Are you okay? I'm gonna get help."

"Did that asshole just skip away?

We got a sick man here, you can't go playing games."

"Sir, you dropped your hat. Sir!"

"Keep it."

When I trip, I feel like that's just the world saying,

"Come here for a sec."

I'm on the ground, I'm like, "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to remind you that you're a dork."

"Yeah, I know. Can I go now?"

"Yeah, just remember, never try to outrun me.

I will only make it worse for you."

"Okay, thanks."

"I'll see you in about 50 years."

[mixed crowd reaction]

[laughs]

People do not like inevitability, man.

When it's windy out, I feel like the world's just being mean.

I'll just be walking, and the world's like,

"Hey, you like air? Yeah?

"Yeah? You need that to breathe?

"There's some fuckin' air right in your face.

There you go."

"Whoa! Too much air. Come on, man."

"What's that? You need water to survive?

"How 'bout I pound it on your head, stupid?

Drink up, dummy." [chuckles]

You can't drink rain. That just looks crazy.

You can't be like...

Takes too long.

When I look at the clouds, I see so many animals,

mostly sheep who have lost their limbs and heads.

When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer,

they're about to be an asshole.

Yeah.

I don't know why, when someone has great abs,

that's really attractive.

I know that it looks good,

but I don't understand biologically why that is.

Like, what is it communicating, you know?

Like, you see a guy with great abs, you're like,

"Whoa, that guy could shit really fast."

Wow. [grunts]

It's hard to know what's gay in life, like...

Boxing? That's two guys fighting over a belt.

That seems pretty gay to me-- in their underwear.

People always tell you when they've had it up to here.

They never tell you any earlier.

"Hey, I've had it up to here. I just want you to know.

We're cool. We're about halfway, so--"

It'd be weird if they were like,

"You know, I've had it up to here."

"So what are you complaining about?"

"I'm not, I'm just saying that, you know,

"I have my whole body to go, but I've started to have it.

But luckily, I'm tall, so can have it for a while."

The closer a person's tattoos are to their body holes,

the crazier the person is.

If you want to walk to fight cancer or something like that,

you have to do it on a set day, you know, all in a row.

You gotta do it all at once.

It's really cool, but it's kind of a bummer

that you have to designate the time.

I wish there was an option where you could walk to fight cancer,

but distribute it through you're regular life.

Be like, "Yo, I'm gonna go get a soda,

but I hate cancer, and that's what this is about.

"Man, Demetri walked around his apartment a lot today.

That guy is fighting cancer."

I like the term "color scheme" 'cause that sounds so sneaky.

"All right, we're gonna improve the look of this room,

"and here's how we're gonna do it.

"Blue, beige, brown, taupe--

"Someone's coming, be cool.

"What's that? How you doing? No, don't worry

about these paint chips here. We weren't doing anything."

When I walk into a spider web, I just feel like,

"Thank God I'm big.

"This could've been it for me.

This thing's trying to kill me right now."

Sometimes I'll tease the spider.

I'll just be walking, and I'll be like,

"Oh. Uh-oh, I'm stuck. I can't move. I can't move!"

The spider's like,

"I'm set for life. I'm set for life."

Then I'm like, "The hell you are.

I'm gonna swing you by your ass/house. There you go."

Birds are one of the only other creatures

who make their own house,

and they're one of the only ones we make houses for.

That is arrogant.

"What's that? That's your house? Nice try.

"Those are some twigs. I mean, that's a--

"That's a shitty patio, at best. Come on, bird.

"The house. You kidding me?

"Tell you what, I'll give you a house.

"It's like a little human house. There you go.

"Little pointy roof.

"I know you can fly, but we're gonna put a roof over your head.

"That's right.

Little hole you can try to crawl in and out of."

The birds are in there, they're like,

"We look ridiculous.

"The animals think we're trying to be people. This is ridic--"

"Shut up, Louis. We got a free house. Just enjoy it."

I want to see a snake eat spaghetti.

That would be perfect.

If I were a picture frame model, I think I would do a better job

than the ones I've seen.

'Cause picture frame models, it's not about you.

It's about the frame,

and I would pose in a way that highlights that.

I would be like...

"Check out this rectangle.

Pretty good rectangle around me. You should buy it."

Volleyball's a weird-looking sport.

That just looks like two groups of people

who both do not want a volleyball.

"You guys take it. We don't want this."

"We don't want it. We don't want it. You take it."

They should make it look like something you don't want,

like a human head.

Volleyhead. Yeah.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I'm fooled

by a mannequin in a store.

"Don't look now, but there's a really tall woman

with excellent posture and very current style checking you out.

She's got no head. Never mind."

Mannequins look too cocky.

You know? 'Cause I get it, you have a perfect body,

but do you have to be such a prick about it?

They should have self-conscious mannequins.

Something that you can relate to, you know?

You walk by a store window, and there's just mannequins there

that are kind of like...

"Do I look stupid in this?

"I didn't pick this, and I have no genitals,

so I don't even know what's going on."

I was driving on the highway, and I saw a sign that said,

"Live nude girls," and I was thinking,

"You probably don't need the 'live.'"

I wasn't even thinking about the girls' mortality

until you brought it up.

"Dead nude girls."

"Pull over, man. I'm feeling kind of curious."

"Injured nude girls." "Ooh.

"That's perfect.

"They're still alive, but they can't get away.

Let's go there."

Just a girl in a wheelchair. [laughs]

She's got an IV bag and stuff. Oh.

"Now on the ICU stage, Amber."

I was eating some pizza, and I burnt the roof of my mouth,

and then I thought, "Wait a minute,

"this is the ceiling of my mouth.

"The roof of my mouth is up here.

My head architecture is all messed up..."

Thought the attic of my mouth.

I wish my smoke detector had a fajita setting on it.

So when I'm cooking, it's like,

"Boop, boop--[sniffs] Oh, hold up, these are fajitas.

"Let's not be an asshole here.

"This is totally fine.

"Let's not make him get up on a stool with a magazine

in front of this girl he's trying to cook for."

Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food

think that the rest of us give a shit?

I can eat really doughy food, but I don't brag about it

when we sit down for dinner.

"Yo, can you eat doughy food? 'Cause I can eat the doughiest--

I can the whitest white bread. You have no idea how chewy--"

One thing I learned is that it's never okay

to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy,

even if that was just, like, a shortcut

on the way to the costume party.

That is never appreciated.

Man, mummies aren't that scary as monsters.

You know what I mean? Like, a werewolf will eat you.

That's terrifying.

Frankenstein will beat the shit out of you.

I mean, he's big.

Dracula's gonna suck your blood,

But what the hell's a mu--

a mummy's just someone who was well-preserved after they died.

That's probably someone people liked and respected.

I mean, why did they preserve 'em, you know?

I'm not gonna run from the mummy,

I want to know who he was. Who--What were your interests?

Also, we're out of napkins. Can we just use you?

I've done this weird thing where, like,

I'm kissing a girl and my eyes are closed,

but then for some reason, halfway through the kiss,

I'm like...

and then she opens her eyes, and I'm like...

"Maybe she didn't see me."

What is your excuse in that situation?

"What were you doing?"

"I was protecting us."

All right, cool. Let's do the next thing.

This'll be it. All right.

[cheers and applause]

All right. Thanks, guys.

I'm so grateful that you guys came out and everything.

[strumming guitar and playing harmonica]

*

Cool. I think that's in tune enough for comedy.

[guitar playing]

When I have a baby,

I want to put anti-aging cream on it right away.

*

People would be like, "Your baby looks amazing.

Is that a fetus?"

I'll say, "No, it's the cream.

We're getting a start really early."

"Well, it's working. He doesn't look a day over zero."

"Thank you."

*

I think telemarketer would be a hard job.

You can't call out sick.

"Hey, it's me. I can't work today."

"Well, you called me."

"Shit."

*

I saw rice milk in the store.

I didn't even know rice had nipples.

*

Squeeze those little rice titties.

* Rice titties

* Rice titties

I never went bungee jumping.

The closest I did was I was born.

[harmonica playing]

*

I wonder if it's rude for a deaf person

to talk with food in their hands.

*

"Dude, put down that cheeseburger.

That's disgusting."

*

I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend

becomes and XL-girlfriend.

[harmonica playing]

*

They probably don't get a lot of work done

at the bubble wrap factory.

*

"Separate but equal" is terrible for education,

but it's perfect for eyebrows.

*

I know a girl who's a tease, but she's not cute enough for that.

So she's an "annoy."

At the battle of the bands, the loser's always the audience.

[harmonica playing]

*

I lost my fog machine

'cause I left it running for too long.

*

I don't know how fog got associated with partying.

*

"This weather is way too dangerous to drive in.

You guys want to dance?"

*

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

*

I want to fill a piñata with actual animal guts.

That's what I call a surprise party, kids.

[harmonica playing]

*

I said to my friend, "Hey,

can I ask you a trick question?"

He said, "No." I said, "Too late, bitch."

*

I've met people who are passive-aggressive,

but I never met anyone who was aggressive-passive.

"I don't want tacos! Maybe."

[harmonica playing]

*

Most stick people are black.

*

When I was in high school, these twins got mono.

They got stereo.

*

I'm a man of my word, and that word is "unreliable."

*

When I take photos, I count to five.

'Cause that's when people start getting real.

At one, they're like, "I'm gonna be in a photo.

I got a face idea. Okay, here it comes."

At two, "here it is." At three...

At four, "What's going on?"

At five, "What the fu--?" Snap.

[harmonica playing] [cheers and applause]

*

I was walking down the street, and I saw an ugly pregnant lady.

I just thought,

"Good for you."

*

Sometimes I feel like I'm making a connection with a stranger,

but then it turns out I'm not.

Like, I was in a mall, and I saw this lady hitting her kid.

So I went up to her, and I was like, "Yeah, get him!"

*

She got all mad at me. I was like,

"I'm on your side here."

*

Sometimes if I really want to get someone's attention,

I'll start a sentence with something like,

"I'm not racist, but..."

I say, "I'm not racist, but you look great today."

They say, "That wasn't racist at all."

I said, "I know. I said I'm not racist.

"You never listen.

Typical Mexican."

[playing harmonica] [cheers and applause]

*

I'm just joking. I don't think Mexicans are bad listeners.

I think Mexicans are good listeners.

But not all Mexicans 'cause that would also be racist.

I think the right number of Mexicans

listen the exact right amount.

*

It must suck to have just one arm...

Until you get arrested.

*

"What's that? You're gonna put an uncomfortable bracelet on me?

"I don't care. I'll just swing it around.

Thanks for the weapon, cop."

*

Thanks so much for coming to see me. That's it.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[acoustic guitar music] [cheers and applause]

*