Original subtitles

- Previously...

(Screaming)

- There's a better way to do this.

- Do what? Be a better monster?

- The apartment?

- We'll invite the neighbours and eat them.

- I'm Sally! Hi!

- She's a ghost.

- You were marrying what's-his-face weren't you?

- Danny, yes.

- Right, so why don't you just go haunt him?

- I would love to leave,

to just open that door

and magically walk back into

the life that was ripped from me.

- You're a monster. And he's not.

- Tell Bishop what happened last night was a mistake!

- I don't mind cleaning up your mess.

That's what we do. We're family.

Who's it gonna be?

Us?

Or them?

- I choose them.

Live forever.

Travel the world in a million different ways.

Know every lover that you could possibly want.

Immortality.

What's not to love?

There's just one thing they leave out of the pitch...

Time...

that endless, sucking time.

No closing bell, no quarter.

No measure...

but memories,

those haunting memories.

Slice 'em, dice 'em, rue 'em.

Do it again.

And realize...

there is only one true thing.

It is impossible to live forever perfectly.

(Whimpering)

(Car horn honking)

(Chattering)

Tell me you brought more coffee.

- What?

Wait, wait, wait!

Who are these people?

- Oh yeah, my bad.

Everybody, this is Josh.

Josh, meet the neighbours.

- (All): Hi, Josh! - Hi...

You invited the entire neighbourhood? Are you insane?

- What are we doing if we can't say hi to the neighbours?

- No one says hi to the neighbours anymore.

You know why? 'Cause we're the neighbours!

- Josh, it is a party. Relax. Now.

I should make a 7-layer dip, right?

- No.

No, you shouldn't.

- How's it looking out there?

- Hmm, let's see, we've got Edie, the dry drunk,

Ben, the closet racist,

April, the psychopath masseuse.

You've invited every neighbour I've ever hated

to be a part of your neighbourhood watch.

- Neighbourhood what?

- Mingling.

- Just hear me out.

- It makes perfect sense!

Who better to watch over a neighbourhood

than a couple of monsters? - Josh!

We need to be a part of things. This is a part of things.

- I know you've all seen these around the hood.

Take a good look at the enemy, people.

- Jesse. - Josh.

- So, ready to take back the night or what?

- Some art-school tagger thinks that our personal property

is his personal artwork?

Uh-uh!

- Excuse me. - Not anymore.

This joker's left his exploding mushroom

on our stoops, our mailboxes, our churches...

- What are you doing?

- Nothing. Waiting for Danny.

- Why? - I don't know, Josh.

Maybe 'cause last time he was here,

we had a moment.

We practically touched.

- (Woman): Jim, how many times have you had to...

- I made Aidan invite him. - (Jim): Three times!

(Neighbours chattering)

- Welcome Officer Michael Garrity,

our police liaison who has so kindly come by

to say a few words to us tonight.

Thank you, Officer.

(Door opening)

- (Garrity): Thanks.

Well, welcome, everybody, and...

just a thank you and a quick reminder: No heroes out there.

Observe and report only.

Leave the hairy stuff to us cops.

We've got better insurance than you do.

- Great! OK, so the sign-up sheet is being passed around.

- Those are mine. - ...until we catch this guy.

Let's do it. (Applause)

- All right.

- (Aidan): So, go ahead.

Live forever. Forget what you've forgotten.

But they won't.

They never do.

- So, vampires brush their teeth,

but they don't eat?

- Uh, not for sustenance, no,

but maybe for appearances every now and then.

- And the whole sunlight thing,

like, shouldn't you explode when you go outside?

What? I don't know!

Vampires and throw up scared the crap out of me

as a kid.

(Sighs)

- Um...

Let's just say that we evolved.

We used to be nocturnal.

Now we're photosensitive.

- Why would he come all the way over here and then not stay?

Is my energy or whatever so awful?

- Who? - Danny.

Is he such pansy ass that he can't handle a little spookiness?

- Maybe it wasn't you who creeped him out. Maybe it was Josh.

OK, um...

You want closure, don't you? You want resolution.

Well, maybe Danny not staying, maybe that's your closure.

- That doesn't make any sense.

Closure is satisfying, indefinite.

This is murky and depressing.

- Look, maybe the key to you moving on

is moving past Danny.

Like, what if you met someone else?

Someone more like you.

- What does that mean?

- It's...

here.

- What's here? - Nothing.

But it's downstairs. You told her, right?

- Well, I was trying to.

- Guys! - Hey!

(Screaming)

- Why is Axl Rose standing in my bathtub?

Why aren't you killing him?

- Sally, this is Tony.

- He's a ghost.

- Shut up!

You're a ghost?

- You're a genius.

- When did you die? - '87.

- Why are you wearing makeup? - Why aren't you?

Let's start over.

Tony DiPaulo! Nice to meet you.

(Inaudible)

(Laughing)

- I can't believe it!

- So, we're good here?

- We're just gonna... - Yeah...

- Tea, please.

So, what's it like working in a hospital?

- It's OK.

A little sad sometimes.

- Thank you.

What's the saddest thing you've ever seen?

- Um... the parents who have children in here.

They're the saddest.

They order coffee, but then they just sit there and never even touch it.

- Allow me.

- Oh no... it's OK.

- I'll see you soon.

Aidan!

- Compelling the counter girl into a free drink.

Don't you have anything better to do?

- Like bailing you out again?

- What now?

- Well...

It's probably nothing.

But when one of my officers

searches a database for one of us,

it raises a red flag.

- Who searches a database for me?

- It wouldn't be the first time.

- Who?

- Michael Garrity.

- Who is Michael Gar--

Officer Garrity.

- Oh, so you do know him?

- Barely. He was in my house for 10 minutes.

- In your house?

- Look, I'm on it, OK?

I will take care of it.

- Good. Good. He raids a stool most nights at O'Sheedy's.

Let me know what happens.

- So, you know Aidan from the hospital?

- Died in the ER. Anyway...

we doing this or what?

- What?

- Blowing this popsicle stand.

- Yeah, I...

I can't... leave.

- Sure you can. - I've tried.

It's bad. I get...

I get too close to the door,

and this rush, not a good one,

and this roaring in my ears,

and then the bottom just drops out.

I'm never going anywhere. - OK, first of all, you're beyond doors, babe.

That stuff's just for the breathers.

You can move with your thoughts.

- Shut up!

- Yeah!

Door, floors, they don't matter! We're energy.

But you gotta be centred to do this stuff, you know?

(Inhaling, exhaling)

Cleansing breath and all that crap? OK? - Mm-hmm.

- Picture any room inside the house.

- OK. - OK.

Take my hand so I can come with.

(Laughing) Close your eyes.

Focus.

- I did this? - You did this.

Well, sort of. I aided.

- Ah!

(Laughing)

Oh!

(* Rock )

- Hey, Aidan, it's Josh.

Hey, I just wanted to thank you, once again,

for signing us up for the neighbourhood watch.

Oh, and then ditching last minute.

That's so cool.

Hi. I'm late. Sorry.

- Josh! - Yeah.

- Hey. Jesse.

- Right. That's a great shirt.

- Armband, walkie-talkie.

- Wow! We mean business, huh?

- Yeah. Every 2 minutes, there's a sexual assault

in this country.

I pray to God one didn't happen

while we were waiting for you.

Just kidding.

(Inaudible)

(* Light rock )

- Officer, uh, Garrity!

Right? Aidan.

- Michael.

- Michael. Thanks for coming by the other night.

Neighbours appreciated it. One of these.

- And you popped in here to tell me that?

- I'm sorry?

I just...

I'm a nurse over at SCH. I'm here all the time.

- Never seen you.

- OK.

- SCH...

You got the full-on psycho stuff coming through your doors?

- I guess. You get used to it.

- Hmm...

Well, then you must have ice water in your veins.

I'm a cop 18 years. And the stuff we're seeing out there,

what one truly evil son of a bitch

can do to another human being...

I don't know a single decent person

who could get used to that.

- Maybe I misspoke.

- Maybe you didn't.

(Laughing)

Look at you.

Damn!

You think I'm crazy.

- No, I just think you have the wrong impression of me.

That's all.

- OK. Maybe I do.

(Laughs)

Check this out.

- Who's that? - Him? He's cancer.

He's been eating at me since I was 10 years old...

when he murdered my father.

- You know that's not me, right?

I wasn't even born when you were, what, 10?

- It's impossible, right?

- Yeah.

- So it's gone.

(Laughs)

Forget about it.

Let me buy you one.

- I'm gonna hit the head. Excuse me.

- This is incredible. You actually dropped out of MIT med school?

- Well, no. No, I never actually enrolled.

- So, what, Internet?

You started some Internet thing. I hate you.

- Me? No, I actually...

I kind of went the other way.

(Laughs)

- Dude...

- "Dude" what?

- Nothing. It's just...

I respect it.

That's all.

(Laughs)

(Water running)

- Look, I'm sorry, man.

- No worries, really.

- I brought all my personal crap down on your head, and...

Hey, it was wrong, professionally.

It was just wrong. I apologize.

- No, honestly, really, forget about it.

It's no big deal.

- It's just... it is.

- Are you gonna let me out?

- I don't know. Let's see.

When I saw you the other night,

I said to myself: "Garrity, you have got to let this go."

- Yeah.

- So, just to be sure, I ran your file.

You know what's in there?

Nothing.

You see, this...

This... doesn't exist.

- You're drunk.

- Yeah.

You're gonna answer me one more question.

Who's Celine?

- What?

- That man who murdered my father in front of me

had the name "Celine" tattooed on his chest.

- You're insane.

- On that, we agree.

Come on. Pick it up.

- Excuse me.

(Chatter on TV)

(Sally and Tony laughing)

- We're moving places all over the house.

On purpose!

Oh! Look at you! You made friends!

- Oh, I love this movie!

- Oh, I love this!

- (Woman on TV): Hi, Andrew.

- Ah! - You OK?

Throat? - No. What? No. I had a frog in my throat.

(Chuckling)

- OK, OK, we'll go.

Should we do the bathroom again?

- No. You're ready.

- For what?

No.

- So ready.

- Just focus.

Like we've been doing.

(Sally exhales)

- Wet leaves, chimney smoke...

birds...

the neighbour's dog...

(Chuckles)

- OK?

- Outside? - Outside.

(Sally laughing)

- Whoa!

Get out of me!

- Hang on! Our matter got tangled.

Jeez!

That was a beautiful moment!

- Yeah, until you ruined it!

- I don't usually get complaints,

especially not from the ones looking for it.

- What? - You know what?

Way too heavy for my blood. I'm outski.

- Yeah, go haunt a Kix concert, perv

- Lazy days and better lays, sweetheart.

- God, don't do that. - So, I'm easy?

That's your grand impression of me?

- What?

Well, Tony's more Aidan's friend. You know that, right?

- I don't care whose friend he is, Josh!

I'm engaged!

Was engaged.

- Right, but you're not now, right?

So, if it's been a while, don't you think we could all use a rebound ghost?

- Really? And when was the last time you had sex?

- (Laughing): I don't know.

If we have to, like, put a number on this...

- I don't need your help, dry spell.

- I had a special friend once.

Demekra.

And then OJ got off.

We never spoke again.

(Siren in distance)

(Intense beating)

(Sighs)

(Grunting)

- Pick it up.

- Stop it!

Stop it! - Let me go!

- There are things you don't understand,

things we all can't understand, you hear me?

Now, you forget about me. You forget we ever met.

That's the only resolution you are ever gonna get here.

(Coughing)

(Crying)

(Sighing)

(Gasping)

(Screaming)

(Continues screaming)

(Groaning)

- Going to work! - Wait, wait, wait! Page.

Mmm...

(Giggling): Thank you!

- Hey! Casper, the handsy ghost!

Not the plan, man.

- I'm sorry.

I'm a jerk.

- You think?

- I've been feeling bad about the whole grope-and-ditch.

- Wow, that's moving.

Sally, do you need a tissue?

- Hey, no offence, guy,

but this is kind of a spirit-world situation.

I don't see a lot of ghosts like you. - Ones with backbones?

- Here's how it goes.

Usually, a ghost is around just long enough to have a little fun.

But the longer a ghost circles the drain, crazier it goes.

- Well, that explains you.

- Point is,

a normal ghost that you actually wanna hang with is rare.

- So, what, you...

you want me to help you pass the time

until you completely nut out?

(Grunting)

- So, Garrity didn't show for roll call this morning.

And you look about 4 quarts short of a gallon.

What happened?

- He thinks I killed his father.

- Did you? - I don't know.

He... had a police sketch.

It could have been me.

- So apologize. (Laughing)

- Oh, you're serious.

Just tell him what I am. Declare myself. Hell, declare us all.

- Or what?

Lie to him?

Deny him his right to know how the world really is?

I am surprised at you, Aidan. I thought your new lifestyle made you more compassionate.

- I told you, I've got it.

- Really? Just out of curiosity, how?

- There are other ways.

- Mmm. What are you gonna do, brainwash him?

Make him forget what you did to his dad?

You really trust yourself inside this guy's head?

- That's funny.

When I do it, it's brainwashing.

But when you do it for a cup of tea,

it's, what, seduction.

- When was the last time

you compelled anybody to do anything?

Decades?

You're too weak, Aidan.

You don't even drink live blood.

You were never that good at it to begin with,

but do you really think you're strong enough

to dip in and pluck out a memory?

What if you wipe him clean?

What if you drive him mad?

You will not put this family in jeopardy.

- I will do whatever I want whenever I want.

This family...

can go screw themselves.

- I love it.

(Birds chirping)

What is this place?

- Turn around.

Beautiful, right?

Most of the ghosts I meet, they don't get it yet,

the whole "dead" thing.

So I show them their graves.

Let it sink in.

(Exhales)

- I never liked the idea of taking up space...

rotting away.

But now...

I don't know.

I can see the appeal...

to be in a place where people can find you.

(Exhales) OK.

So then what?

- Normally, I'd quote a little Slayer and we'd mac it.

- And after that? - A door shows up. We kiss goodbye.

They cry about having to leave me.

- A door?

- Yeah, a portal that takes you beyond, whatever.

It pops up when it's time for you to mosey.

Custom-made just for you.

- So where's yours?

- Don't know. Don't care.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You've been dead since '87

and you have no desire to move on?

- No.

- I've been dead 7 months and I'm going crazy!

- Your spirit's blocked.

- How do you know?

- Banged a Buddhist once.

The point is, something's holding you back.

- Can I try something?

(Laughs)

- LT. Hey. - Hey.

Missed you at the shop today.

- Yeah, I...

I must have caught something.

- May I come in?

- What?

Yeah, sure.

Uh...

Can I get you a drink?

- How about a coffee instead?

Sit.

(Coughs)

Well, I can't help but notice

you haven't been yourself the last few days.

- What?

No, I'm good.

- Well, my point is that guys like us,

work is family.

And it's easy to get lost in it,

caught up, consumed.

Hell, it can swallow you whole if you're not careful.

(Coffee pouring)

What's eating at you, Mike?

- Bishop...

you believe in monsters?

- You know what?

I do.

(Exhaling)

- Where are we?

- Danny's old place.

Or new place. I guess he moved back.

- Danny?

- My fiancée.

How do I touch him?

- You can't. - Really?

- You and me, we're on the same plane.

But he's a different story, solid.

- And that doesn't bother you?

I mean, don't you miss someone?

Haven't you ever been in love?

- Come on.

- I don't believe you.

Nobody lives their whole life without loving someone.

- I didn't live my whole life.

- So there's no one that you wanna go back to?

- Even if there was, you can't go back.

You can watch him sleep all night.

It's not gonna change anything.

- It changes how I feel.

- Oh, hey, I got an interview at Suffolk County.

Yeah, residency.

- Oh yeah? That's...

Good for you.

- Yeah, isn't that where you...

Isn't that where you do your orderly thing or...

- Uh-huh.

(Inhaling)

(Sniffs)

- What?

- Paint.

- What...

What paint?

(Spraying)

- Neighbourhood watch!

- I called the police. Yeah!

You hear that? I called the police!

(Grunting)

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Josh!

Josh, they're on the way, man!

Josh!

(Choking)

- Josh! Josh! Chill!

(Gags)

Dude...

(Sirens approaching)

(Man coughing) OK...

- That kid is a vampire?

How do you know this?

- 'Cause I'm the one who turned him.

And I wanna make you an offer, Michael.

This is exactly what we need.

You're strong. You're smart.

A soldier.

Let me give you immortality.

(Door slides open)

(Dog barking in distance)

Marcus...

(Garrity breathing heavily)

(Grunting)

(Door closing)

- Where were you?

- Just keeping the streets of Boston safe

for all the little children.

- You OK? - Yeah.

Where were you, Ozzfest?

- Danny's.

(Sighs)

- I thought the whole point of this was to move on.

- Don't worry.

I guess I can live at Danny's now.

- I don't want you to live at Danny's.

- What if that's what I need to do to move on?

- OK.

Maybe you're not trying to move on.

Maybe you're trying to stay.

- If I leave, he'll forget me.

- If you stay... he'll forget you.

(Exhales)

You're not here.

- I'm lonely.

- Me too.

- It's OK. Hey, it's OK!

It'll be over soon.

You'll go back to your life. It'll be like nothing happened.

You won't remember this.

You won't remember anything.

Don't scream.

(Grunting)

(Exhaling)

No...

No, no, no, no! Come on! No!

(Muffled screaming)

- I'm not turning into it in the hospital anymore.

- Why not? That room is perfect.

- The woods are better.

We're not quite real, are we?

The closer I bring that side of me to real people,

the more people I seem to hurt.

I can't hurt anybody else.

Some things just need to stay separate.

Didn't you need to talk to him?

- No, I'm good.

You ready?

- OK...

- So, thanks for ruining my death.

- What's wrong?

- You know, before you, I was fine.

Then you get me thinking about all this stuff

that I don't need to be thinking about!

I went to Debbie's.

- Debbie?

- Debbie Rinaldi,

the stupid love of my dumb-ass wasted life.

Didn't think about her once I bit it.

I mean, what's the point, right?

- Closure?

- Right.

Twenty-three years.

I finally go make sure she's happy.

And so?

She's happy.

Great!

Screw closure!

(Exhales)

I guess this is it.

(Exhales)

- Tony...

It's not for me.

- How do you know?

- I can just feel it.

- What the hell am I supposed to do in there?

- Start a hair band, garden...

Just go.

- You can touch.

- What? - Humans.

It's tricky, though. They gotta be open to it.

They have to want it.

- Why didn't you--

- I didn't know...

till last night.

I touched her hand.

- What was it like?

- (Man on PA): Blood number 3427. Blood 3427. Stat.

- Hey!

- Hey.

- Just did the tour. - Yeah? Awesome.

- Yeah. So you wanna grab some lunch or something?

- Uh, damn, I can't.

Work.

- Another time.

- Totally.

- OK.

Hey.

Who am I?

Superstar!

- My apologies. You were right.

Your way was definitely better.

Far, far more compassionate.

(Chatter on TV)

- Danny...

(Doorbell ringing)

- Hey! - (Woman): Hi.

- Come on in. - Thanks for calling.

- Bridget?

(Bottle opening)

- I miss her, too.

(Sniffs)