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AH! THE BEAUTIFUL WHISKERS!

THE 100 MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OF PARIS

AH! THE BEAUTIFUL WHISKERS

So, you don't see anything, huh? Legris.

Lebol?

And there… right there. You don't see anything? Nothing?

Say, do you even know what whiskers are?

Well, Boss, whiskers are like…

No. They're not. Yes, they're also mustaches,

but it may also signify people of the female gender.

Feminine whiskers.

You see…

Whisky… no, whisky, whisky,

Whisk, ah! Whisky…whiskers.

Ay-ay-ay…

Whiskers? Whiskers. FN. FN?

Feminine name.

Feminine name? That's what I just said! Wait…

Priestess of Bacchus.

Disheveled woman.

Furious and lustful.

Lustful.

Lustful… ay-ay-ay.

So, gentlemen, you're both in charge of running an investigation

in a theater where lustful women perform…

lustfully… lusting.

Lusting…

Anyway.

On second thought, I'll do the investigation myself.

JOSEPH DELMAR DIRECTOR OF FOLIES MERICOURT

Director of Folies Méricourt, and don't even think about it.

This is a young girls home, sir.

But miss, you have to help me out.

Our rehearsal is in just two hours.

Have you asked the the show's placement office?

Of course, I did, I asked everywhere.

but what can you do, it's too short, there's nobody.

I would like to help you,

but unfortunately, I'm afraid my girls--

Come in!

So this is boring.

-Can I come in, miss? -Come in, my dear Colette.

Repeat how, then … Ah, this is annoying.

So, it worked? Did they pay? Your bosses?

No, not yet!

I left and took their turtle doves with me.

They're pretty, and seem to be in love.

So, this means you're free to go!

You don't happen to dance, do you?

-He wants to take me to the ball? -No, Colette.

This gentleman is looking for a classical dancer.

He came to the right place then.

-But you're a linen maid! -But I learned ballet.

Little one, how tall are you?

I'm one point five nine meters tall.

But that's with no shoes. With heels, I'm more.

Well, I'll see you soon at quarter to two

at this address here.

Just ask for Mr. Joseph. There you go.

Thank you, miss. You're a real lifesaver.

I'm trusting you with her you, sir.

Yes, yes, not to worry, and she'll be paid as well.

Not a lot, but something.

I've never done any theater before.

Make sure you all do the same step,

at the same time, if possible.

Isn't that right, Gilberte?

-Hello, sir. -Hmm?

Oh, my little sugarplum… This is lousy, it won't work.

Either we use the fur or we don't.

This looks cheap, like a waste of money. Look at that.

But, if the Director likes it…

-My dear Dhéry. -Madam?

You know very well that the Director will do whatever you fancy.

I know, I was just saying that earlier.

-So? -So, the fur?

The fur!

Fur, let's see, just like on the model. There… well, a little better.

Thank you, Director!

You're going to ruin me.

There. Take your time.

Here, hide over here.

But you won't stay with me?

You're kidding, right? I have to fix the dressing room sinks.

-So, shall I wait for you? -I'll come and get you.

Will you be long?

I'll probably be done before their rehearsal is over.

You'll see, they do some crazy work.

Is that what they wear when you're working in there?

No, no no. They get fully undressed.

Charming! To be a plumber's wife.

Hey, Legras! Your announcement!

That guy…

Wait, you're not actually going on stage with that?

Oh no, no, I just have a cold. Oh dear.

-What about your announcement? -My announcement?

Will you wake up? The photographer, you announce the photographer.

And now if you will,

We present to you, the photographer! Yippee!

SHOOTING GALLERY

Smile, ladies.

Now don't move.

Thank you.

You like that, don't you.

Of course you like it.

You love seeing naked women.

Well, answer me.

And now, we'd like to offer you…

Scumbag.

We now give you--

You're a bastard.

We'd now like to offer you…

A bastard and a scumbag, that's what you are.

-Is that all? -Is that all?

-Are you done? -Yes, jeez.

Good.

We now offer you…

I meant what I said, you're nothing but a bastard.

Okay, are you done yet?

This doesn't concern you.

No, of course not.

Then why are you getting involved?

You're right. Sorry, madam.

Where do you think you're going?

If you let the audience get to you, you'll never make it.

So, what do I say?

I don't know, you're the one playing the role.

-Yes, The Creation of the World. -Don't say it to me, you idiot!

Say it to them! Up there, to them.

We will introduce, Ladies and Gentlemen,

Mr. "Creation of the World".

First, there was light.

Let there be light…

and there was light!

You like this, don't you, Raymond?

Night! the night!

The water.

Look at her, Raymond.

The sun!

The moon!

AH! THE BEAUTIFUL WHISKERS

AH! THE BEAUTIFUL WHISKERS

The earth!

The plants.

You're enjoying this. They're showing ass.

The fish.

The reptiles.

The birds.

The animals.

What a beautiful creature.

And it was then that man was created.

So now you have nothing to say?

And finally, the woman.

What are you doing here?

Did I come in the wrong door?

I'd like to talk to the director.

What is it?

I'm the replacement,

I came from the girls home.

What's your name?

Brosset, Colette.

-And how tall are you? -One point five nine meters when barefoot,

but with heels I can be even more woman.

Go up to dressing room 19 and try on the pink tutu.

-Third floor on the left. -Second pink tutu on the left,

I understand. Oh! Sorry.

Well this ought to be good.

Well, go on, get on with it!

I'm telling you, you disgust me.

If this is how it's going to be, I'm leaving.

Go on, go home.

No, you're kidding. I have… I have my sinks.

-Oh, come on. -Oh, come on.

It must be terrible to go home since I'm the only one you see naked.

If you saw me onstage, you'd be amazed.

Since you live at home you're just used to it.

Those girls on stage are no better than me.

The only difference is they're all lit up.

We don't have lights like that at home. That's it, I'm going.

-Where? Going where? -On stage.

Oh! You… what, are you crazy?

I'm the crazy one? But those girls are all normal?

I'm going to show you I'm just as good as them.

You'll see the light.

Stay here!

It's not forbidden, Madam?

Yes it is… I mean, I don't know anymore.

It's all right, let her go if she wants.

Rosine, get back here. You're breaking the rules.

Oops, clumsy me.

You, you'll see.

Sit tight, I'm going to get undressed right here.

I'll do a strip tease and you're going to enjoy it.

-Is your cord strong? -Yes, Madam.

Take this off for me.

and help me get up there, This will impress my husband.

This could be interesting.

Oh! You're crazy.

Oh, don't worry.

How long is this nonsense going to carry on?

Until I get naked.

Oh no, oh no, you're not going to…

Well, I'll be damned.

Rosine, that's enough.

Leave me alone, or I'll take everything off.

This guy isn't just going to just stand there, is he?

The cord is mine, sir.

You hear that, honey? He owns the cord.

This gentleman must be a launderer.

Yes, Madam.

See? This man was kind enough to lend me his equipment.

You wouldn't just ask him to leave, now would you?

Dhéry, look at this tutu. It looks good.

I think the shoes are just a little tight.

-Good luck, my dear. -I don't need it, Madam.

Well, we'll see about that.

Oh no, don't you dare take that off!

Okay, that's enough. Come on down.

Leave me alone.

If you don't come down right now, I'm leaving.

What's the matter with you?

No! Don't take that off!

That's it, maybe this will make you listen.

What's in this for you? Are you coming down, yes or no?

The beard at the end.

She's lost her mind, completey lost her mind!

Close the curtain, close that curtain!

Close it…

Mr. Dhéry.

-Mr. Dhéry? -Yes?

There's been a short circuit.

Yeah, I wasn't aware, thanks for the heads up.

Rosine, where are you?

I'm right here.

No! Don't even think about it. Hands off, Raymond!

It's not me!

Oh, then it must be the launderer.

He's going to pay for this! Where are you?

I'm right here, on the stage.

Oh, no, that's enough, come on, stop it, get your filthy hands off.

Slap the launderer in the face.

What if it's not him?

-Isabelle has escaped! -Who?

My panther. She got out during the blackout.

Hey, the iron door was open, she must have run out into the street.

Here we go again.

This is such a waste of time.

Don't fret about this panther, I beg you.

she'll come back on her own.

-Come on, get on with it! -What about the panther?

I said keep going! Is that clear?

And here, we have a panther.

And a ballet called, "All of Mexico".

And here is All of Mexico, and Yippee.

There you are! Do you realize everyone's looking for you?

They're all outside searching.

Come on now, you mustn't go running off like that, my precious.

Be careful, honey, she could jump at us.

No, you think so?

She's about to take a nap in her cage.

Aren't you, little kitty? Meow, meow, meow.

That's not a kitty!

Well, I'm not a tamer. So what?

Come on, that's enough, off to bed, off to bed.

Get in your cage, don't you want to sleep?

Don't you miss it in there?

I'm giving you a chance, here.

It's all right, the panther is back in her cage.

Good. Now let's take it from the top.

Let's see the Mexico scene again, but calm this time.

Calm.

OK. Mexico, quickly! Hurry up!

Hurry, Mexico!

Handcuffs.

Say, Mr. Dhéry,

we aren't quite ready for the next scene yet.

I told you he's a chicken.

So?

So… I am here, I'll watch, take note,

take a look around, and then report back to the police.

I just wish I didn't stand out so much.

Well, too late for that. You're all we see in here.

-You think so? -Oh, I don't think so, I'm sure!

Oh yeah? Oh no, I would rather go unnoticed.

Joseph!

What's your name?

Michel Leboeuf.

-Leboeuf? -Leboeuf!

That's a good name for the theater.

-You think so? -Absolutely.

I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Leboeuf.

He's going to replace Courguet. He's a friend.

So find him a dressing room, and show him what to do.

Madam Maillan.

Yes, sweet Dhéry.

This is Mr. Leboeuf.

I'd like to try him out for the role of Courguet, if I may?

That's a great idea. I'm sure he will be quite funny.

Come on, Leboeuf, let's move.

Hey.

Here, I have something to deliver. This could help me fix it.

You see? Don't you get it? No need to draw you a picture.

-What am I going to do? -Surely he isn't here for you.

Don't do something foolish

just because of a bounced check.

So, is this scene going to happen today, or what?

But I can't find everyone with this whole panther thing.

Let's move on, then.

Yes, okay.

Go on.

Mr. Dhéry! Amsterdam, the friend I told you about has arrived.

Perhaps he could audition.

Amsterdam? Who is this guy?

He's a ventriloquist.

Okay, sure, but make it quick.

Now what are you all doing? The Mexican scene is over!

Oh well, then I got dressed for nothing.

Ah! they're in the dressing room.

He's coming over here,

Don't say anything, whatever you do.

You don't know me, I'm an extra.

Have you seen the plumber?

Whenever you're ready.

All right, all right, I think we get it.

I would like to pay you my compliments, Mr. Amsterdam.

Legras, I need to speak with you after rehearsal.

Ah! You're back!

What, I'm not on yet?

No. You're not on yet, no.

So when will I be on?

I don't know, but not right now.

Well fine, don't get angry about it.

I couldn't be with this one, her butt is just sad…

Mr. Dhéry, the next scene is the fashion show

but the problem is that the hats have been delivered

but not the dresses.

And sorry about earlier, I was on the phone.

I don't care!

They can rehearse without the dresses, it doesn't change the blocking.

So, is everyone ready?

This theater is a nut house. I mean, listen to that, listen to them.

Quiet!

Quiet!

The curtain will rise when you're quiet.

I'm warning you, I have all night, I have the entire night ahead of me.

Okay. Now we can begin.

Yes, we're done!

Oh! That tickles!

Who said that?

I did, sir.

Where did this one come from?

Brosset, Colette.

I'm one point five nine meters with bare feet, but with heels,

I can be more woman.

-She's the replacement. -Yeah, it's okay.

And who was tickling you?

Ah!

Mr. Legras.

So Mr. Legras is the one tickling when I asked for quiet.

Come see me after the rehearsal. Come on, get out of here.

And I'll have to ask you to leave her alone.

Well, well, well…

Well, she came at such short notice, it's just good that we found her.

Go, bring out the parade of dresses.

Without dresses.

Hurry up!

Hunting jacket by "Lacour".

Bomb of "Rebattet"

The morning woods, green velvet suit.

A hat by "Leon".

And for lunch, a draped green jersey dress by "Caroline Duchoux".

Hat by "Simone Cange".

The races, gauze pleated black dress,

yellow taffeta petticoat by "Brigette".

Hat made of lace from horsehair by "Lemonnier".

Five o'clock tea dress, dress of shantung blue by "Madeleine Guyon

Hat by "Maud and Nano".

The Cocktail, black laced dress with red muslin by "Hortensia Dupont".

Straw and velvet hat by "Claude St Cyr".

What is he doing?

he's holding her train up.

-Ah, because it's an evening gown. -Yes, out of fashion.

The Evening, Evening dress of embroidered netting and satin,

a shawl in platinum mink.

Headdress with roses and crystal embroidery by "Jean Bartet"

Night Club, dress…

Raymond, you're a hammer!

That's right, take a good look at me. It's time. Sorry.

What a day, what a day!

Now your plumber's getting involved!

No, my dear Dhéry, he is not my plumber,

he's the theater's plumber.

I've had this plumber since '38. '39 even now,

back when that leak started that small flood.

Okay, you know how it goes.

Three hours went by, we laughed, but then…

My brother-in-law was passing through Paris, from the colonies,

to think… the colonies, it's nonsense.

I laughed a lot at first, then what happened after was tragic.

I'm sorry, but was Joseph in charge of the raincoats?

I don't have the slightest idea, it was in '39. Besides…

You're a strange one, aren't you?

Ah, Jacques.

Hello…

He's weird, isn't he?

In the enchanted forest

night had just fallen,

and the demons began to appear

Madam Maillan,

Let go of me!

What has this party done to this man?

Something isn't right, kids. Madam Maillan!

Madam Maillan! Mom!

She's perfect.

Yes, I'll see her later on.

Mom!

-You're leaving? -I need to speak with the replacement.

Good, go take a closer look.

-Where is the replacement? -Here, sir.

My dear, you don't seem to understand.

When you're dancing with a partner, you mustn't be afraid of them.

-Hey! -Hey!

-Where is the replacement? -She went down there.

He must have fallen to the third basement.

Hold the door over there. There.

Hold on, I'll get a cord.

Have you seen a dancer?

Hey up there, quit playing with me.

Are you doing this on purpose? Seriously?

Get it off me, you jerks!

Shut up. Hey, Leon!

Madam, it appears that the director has fallen down to the third basement.

We can't find him.

You're joking.

-And all of this because of her? -Because of me?

-Oh, how awful! -Let's go.

Now's the time to tickle her,

to revive her… Follow me, Joseph.

Hey, my dear Dhéry, don't get so worked up,

It's because of me, Madam. Mr. Dhéry wanted to yell at me,

then there was a column that fell like a blackcurrant,

You didn't even get to speak to the replacement.

How I pity you, my dear friend.

Stop, stop, I can't handle being tickled.

Oh, it's you again? This is just pure lunacy,

disgusting, just try and do that again, you'll see, you groper!

But the director told me to tickle you.

Sorry, Madam, but I can't stand being tickled.

Oh, director.

I was so frightened.

How do you think I felt?

Is there something you'd like to say to me?

Let's move on.

Have you ever seen this courtesan,

dressed in satin and stuffed with boa?

Ah! The Léopolda!

HONOR AND HOMELAND

Ah! You're still here, are you?

Did you enjoy that?

I don't know, I wasn't watching.

-What were you doing then? -I was watching you.

So, my dear Dhéry, having a nice chat?

-I was telling her to get back on the set. -Oh, what a liar!

Well, that's what I was about say, same thing.

What authority you have over this little one.

No, come on, get back up there. There's nobody here, go on.

Is it true that it was because of me that you fell into the third basement?

I already told you, my dear.

She already fainted once when she heard about it.

Don't start again.

No, at the time I was captured but now I'm fine…

You remind me of my brother.

It's true that you have a bit of a family resemblance.

-Come on, now. -Madam.

-For up there, ten or twelve? -Ten or twelve?

Yes for the taps in the dressing room sinks.

Should we take the taps from ten or twelve?

How am I supposed to know?

Well yes, but I--

Yes, but you should be asking a man, not me.

Here, ask the director, he can help you.

Oh really?

-Excuse me, Madam. -It's okay.

Hurry up, two minutes.

Excuse me, Mr. Director.

About the sink taps in the dressing rooms,

Ten or twelve?

Should we take the taps from ten or the taps from twelve?

Because the lead is in ten!

In ten?

Yeah,

I'm guessing that

you're the one who needs more flow.

Or we put twelve,

-It's by request, you know. -Ah! It's by request.

Suppose, for example, you have a bathtub, don't you?

-You know it? -Yes, of course.

Well, you need a higher flow,

Okay, so we'll put twelve, fourteen…

Listen, just recently I've worked with some very good people,

people from high up, you know,

for a bathtub,

and well, they said to me,

they said, "sink taps" they said "sink taps",

it's not as useful as silkworms.

That's not my domain, I couldn't answer that.

I'm not from the silkworm industry,

Give me the iron straw, don't worry about the wax stick,

everyone has their specialty. Well,

But that doesn't stop me from giving it a twenty.

Well, I'd rather just tell you that it's been costly,

but…

-Obviously. -Not necessarily.

-Yes. -And who is the plumber?

I am.

So, do whatever you want and then leave me alone.

But I was being polite.

And so was I. Enjoy it, it won't last.

Oh my, oh my, oh my.

Let's go!

I told you these people are in a crazy business.

But I don't care, I'll give them twelve, that'll show them.

All right, let's go, curtain!

As you can see,

the scene takes place in Chicago, in a bar.

A chapter from the famous book by Jean Fandar,

and a gem from a very dark series.

The scene is called: "Hide! Here comes the guard!"

The guard didn't notice a thing.

Life goes on as it did before.

Chicago will always be Chicago.

Oh no, miss.

Not here, go play with that on the beach.

Okay.

Excuse me, my husband won't disturb you again.

but he would like to know if you need some screws.

More screws?

Do the taps on twelve need screws or push buttons?

What is this about?

The director was the one who told us to come to you.

Ah, the…

Excuse me, but I don't know anything about that.

-Besides, that's a man's business! -Yeah.

So, you were saying?

Screw-in or push-in for the taps?

Well, screws, I suppose.

Or a push button.

Enchantment of colors, enchantment of lights…

We present the ballet of Loie Fûller.

The Metal.

Why can't they just tell me what they want!

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

The Lily.

The Wind.

The Great Waters of Versailles.

Stop! Stop!

Miss, why are you holding that over your head?

I really want to help, but I don't want to fall.

Well you can't dance the whole piece like that.

But I can't see anything.

-The others are doing it. -But they're used to it.

This is my first time, I'm doing my best.

Well, go on then. Try to do it like the others if you can.

I'll try, sir.

Stop, stop, stop this madness!

Come on, come on, take it off of her, come on.

Ah! You've got stuff then.

You can't tell me it takes practice to do this.

You try it then.

I can do it just fine.

I have to be able to do what I ask others to do. Look at me,

Gently, and with grace. Look at me.

The movement. There we go. Nice and light.

Yes, of course. Let's take five.

Break.

Okay, let's go.

My dear Dhéry, you absolutely must audition Garibaldo Troucher.

-Garibaldo Troucher? -Yes.

-What is this? -You'll see.

-Frankly, we don't have time to waste. -There was nothing I could do,

the Director of the Opera sent him to me.

Why? He doesn't want him?

Garibaldo Troucher,

Vocal phenomenon

from Bouvard and Ratinet,

Singing under the sun

They're nice and waterproof.

Transparent.

-Yeah, not the brown ones. -What?

Oh! The brown ones,

No, that's enough!

And why wouldn't I tell you?

So what ?! So what ?!

Would you shut up during rehearsals?

She started it.

You've got a nerve. She's the one making a fuss.

-You're such a pig! -A pig? What did you say?

-A pig. -Pig! Pig! Pig!

-Will you be quiet over there? -You little brat!

Ladies, you aren't here to fight each other!

-You shrew! -You wench!

The ushers have no business here.

-Go away! -I hate this kind of stuff.

-Oh sorry, miss. -Miss.

Madam, is the plumber in this dressing room?

He must be around here somewhere.

DRESSING ROOMS

What are you doing here?

I came to see if it was true, that you work around naked women.

That's no reason to come into the men's dressing room.

-Miss. -Madam.

Excuse me,

Oh, it's not a problem.

Yes it is, that's my wife!

My respects, Madam.

What?

What?

Nothing.

Anyhow, the dressing room is off-limits.

How perfect.

I'm here to watch the dancers,

the little naked women.

You see, Raymond, he's not here for you!

Oh no, it's tradition, I--

-It's what? -The traditions…

Oh.

See, I told you,

and you thought he was here because of the bounced check.

Who, him?

No, no, not me, not me… a friend.

That's… that's why we were concerned.

Well, tell him that's six months to two years.

-In prison? -Yes.

But we're not the ones who would be going.

-Yes we are. -No, no, no.

Oh, that's right, 'cause he isn't here for you!

Yes.

Exactly. Goodbye, sir.

Shall we go back inside?

No, we're leaving, that's enough for today!

Goodbye, now.

A bad check!

Don't get upset, there's nothing we can do about it.

Well, then let's continue. Let's listen to Mr… who?

-Destain. -Mr. Destain.

These auditions are such a waste of time,

Mr. Destain and Mrs. Serres

will now perform Military Daydream.

Verses will be sung by choral voices.

They will be accompanied by their own band,

and will perform with their own sets.

I myself, am part of the cast of this piece.

Well, I'll say no more.

I give you Military Daydream

Music.

Good evening.

-You're late. -Yes, I know,

I'm late, I'm late, thats great.

Let's go, gentlemen.

Ah! There you are!

You never change. Still fresh,

kids and all. You're good?

Well, my friend, what are we waiting for?

Olaf… Olaf…

What is it?

What?

-It's Gondolo. -Yes, leave me alone, it's fine!

This jacket doesn't belong here.

It does nothing for the scene.

What are you waiting for?

Go on.

Olaf… Olaf…

Let the canon boom!

Boom the machine gun, comma.

Sound the horn.

Sound the horn.

Sound the horn!

Should I ring it?

Sound the horn, ring the medallion.

-Shall I ring?. -No, no, thank you, it's fine.

The merry gunner.

Be careful, would you?

Idiot!

The merry gunner…

Come on, come on, let's go!

Ah, I found it. Another setback.

That's a trumpet. You found it.

We have a problem. It works,

There we go.

Does that work?

Go low.

A little lower.

That's low, a little lower…

a bit too low.

No, it's lower, but try down there.

No, no!

You can try between the two.

In between the two?

No, no.

Ok, that's good, very good.

That's…

It's the woodworking. It's the wood, and there's glass in there.

She's a beauty, by the way.

The wood's working,

but we don't have time to remake the instrument.

It would have to be redone and put back together.

All we can do is leave it, for the time being.

There you go, just go lower with it.

You doing all right?

We're waiting for you, man.

Thank you, Mr. Serrault.

What the hell, Marthe, when is it?

Is that his wife?

Yeah, they've been together for 15 years.

Mr. Destain, for the stamp…

Gentlemen, we'll see later…

Ah! No, no, no, no discussions here.

Go talk outside! Curtain!

Hey, now.

Brother Jacques, are you sleeping?

Sound the bells.

Brother Jacques, are you sleeping?

Sound the bells.

Brother Jacques, are you sleeping? Sound the bells.

Brother Jacques, are you sleeping? Sound the bells.

Good.

So, do you like it?

Yes, very much.

Right behind you.

-Who's that? -The writer.

We have a problem.

Courguet is ill, we have to keep Leboeuf.

Sweet Dhéry?

They're saying Courguet is ill.

Maybe we could hire Leboeuf to replace him.

I don't know if he can come tomorrow. Could you come tomorrow?

Yeah, tomorrow? If you like me.

No, but actually this works great for me, you know?

Oh yeah?

-Because I haven't finished my interviews. -Ah yes, of course.

And just between us, the life of an artist isn't so bad.

Does this mean you're not hiring me?

I think you should stay home.

-I don't have a home. -What?

I don't have a home.

I'll find one for you, then.

You can't keep me here, I'm not a good dancer.

I'll hire you.

Really?

Thank you, Madam!

Will it be every evening?

Yes… to keep an eye on you.

Now run along and get dressed, my dear, it's the finale.

Thank you, Madam.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

our management sends their deepest apologies

for the incidents that have occurred during this rehearsal.

But we assure you that if you come back tomorrow,

everything will go smoothly.

THE END

Subtitle translation by: Jessie Gates