Original subtitles

(Helen) LAST WEEK ON WINGS.

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, I WAS IN SAINT CROIX AND I RAN INTO YOUR EX-WIFE.

CAROL IS STOPPING IN BOSTON ON HER WAY TO LONDON.

WHAT?

I'VE GOT TO GET IN TOUCH WITH CAROL.

THIS MIGHT BE MY LAST CHANCE TO WIN HER BACK.

THE MESSAGE IS,

"MEET ME AT THE TOP OF THE PRUDENTIAL BUILDING,

TONIGHT, 8:00."

SOMEBODY'S TRYING TO TAKE OFF IN THIS SOUP.

IT'S MY IDIOT BROTHER.

OK, LOOK, JOE, I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET THAT I TOOK THE PLANE.

I KNOW THAT. BUT I JUST COULD NOT LET THIS OPPORTUNITY

TO SEE CAROL SLIP BY WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY TO KNOW THAT SHE NEVER SHOWED.

THESE ARE FOR YOU.

SOME LADY NAMED CAROL GAVE 'EM TO ME.

WHAT'D SHE SAY?

"AS MUCH AS IT HURTS, I HAVE TO MOVE ON."

CAROL'S FINALLY GONE.

[elevator bell dings]

(all) CAROL?

[seagulls cawing]

OH! CAROL.

I KNEW YOU'D COME.

I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK. OH, UH...

WELL, YOU'RE ONE UP ON ME. I HAD NO IDEA I'D BE HERE.

THAT'S WHY I SENT THE CAB DRIVER WITH THE FLOWERS.

YEAH, YEAH, LUTHER. OH, GREAT GUY.

I THINK WE'RE ENGAGED. IF WE CAN GET PAST THE RACIAL THING.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

BET YOU FEEL PRETTY SILLY NOW, HUH? LOOK WHO SHOWED UP.

[chuckling]

GEE, JOE, THIS IS AN UNEXPECTEDLY

AWKWARD MOMENT.

YEAH, BUT THANK GOD IT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.

YEAH.

THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE IS BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULDN'T BE.

I FIGURED BRIAN MIGHT NEED SOMEONE TO MAKE SURE HE GOT HOME SAFE AND SOUND.

AH, YOU KNOW JOE.

ONCE A CROSSING GUARD, ALWAYS A CROSSING GUARD.

WELL, WELL, CAROL.

I GUESS I'M THE LAST PERSON ON EARTH YOU EXPECTED TO SEE HERE.

I'M SORRY, DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER?

I'M HELEN CHAPEL.

I'M SORRY. OH, PLEASE,

DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I...

THAT'S RIGHT. LAST TIME YOU SAW ME,

I WAS A LITTLE OVERWEIGHT.

I'M TRYING TO PLACE YOU--

YOU USED TO CALL ME, "FAT, FAT, THE WATER RAT."

HELEN, APPARENTLY, SHE-- OH, OF COURSE, SHE REMEMBERS WHO I WAS.

I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH HER FOR 8 YEARS, FOR GOD SAKES.

HELEN, WHY DON'T WE SEE WHAT'S OUT THESE OTHER WINDOWS?

I SAT RIGHT NEXT TO YOU IN 4TH GRADE.

I'D DO YOUR HOMEWORK, AND YOU'D GIVE ME YOUR LUNCH.

[stammering] I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE HERE.

UM, CAROL, I KNOW THIS TIME WE'RE REALLY GONNA MAKE IT WORK.

NO, NO, NO, REALLY, AND--AND I-- BRIAN, BRIAN.

[elevator bell dings]

BEFORE YOU GO JUMPING TO ANY CONCLUSIONS,

I'M STILL GOING TO LONDON. I JUST...

I MEAN, I HAVE A JOB THERE.

IT'S JUST, WHEN I GOT ON THE PLANE,

I COULDN'T STOP THINKING OF YOU STANDING HERE ALL BY YOURSELF.

BUT YOU'RE FORGETTING LUTHER AND WHAT WE MEAN TO EACH TOGETHER.

YOU HAD NO WAY OF KNOWING I'D EVEN GET YOUR MESSAGE.

BUT YOU... I KNEW YOU'D BE HERE.

I COULDN'T IGNORE A GESTURE LIKE THAT.

A GESTURE LIKE MINE? WHAT ABOUT YOUR GESTURE?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I MEAN, FLYING TO LONDON FROM MIAMI, STOPPING IN BOSTON?

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY A DIRECT FLIGHT.

I MEAN, WHY ELSE WOULD YOU WANNA COME HERE OTHER THAN TO SEE ME?

TO SAY GOOD-BYE TO MY PARENTS?

OH.

HEY, DO THEY STILL HAVE THAT 3-LEGGED BLIND CHIHUAHUA?

LUCKY? YEAH. UH-HUH.

WELL, LOOK, BRIAN, I BETTER GO.

I THINK I CAN STILL CATCH THE LATE FLIGHT.

[gasps]

OH.

[exhales]

WE SHOULD'VE KISSED LIKE THAT MORE OFTEN.

I GUESS I WAS ALWAYS TOO BUSY TRYING TO SWALLOW YOUR TONSILS.

LOOK, UH, WE CAN'T LET IT END LIKE THIS.

YOU GOTTA COME BACK TO NANTUCKET WITH ME.

I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A COMMITMENT OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

JUST GIVE IT 40 OR 50 YEARS,

AND THEN IF THINGS DON'T WORK OUT,

I'LL POP YOUR TEETH BACK IN AND OFF YOU GO.

[sighing]

WELL, MAYBE IT'S WORTH A TRY.

[exclaims]

OK.

HEY, UH, GUYS,

CAROL IS COMING BACK TO THE ISLAND WITH US.

NO KIDDING.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

YOUR FATHER USED TO RUN THAT LITTLE ICE CREAM PARLOR ON FEDERAL STREET, RIGHT?

YES, BUT I-- WELL, THAT WAS PRACTICALLY MY 2ND HOME.

OF COURSE, NOW I KNOW THAT I ONLY OVEREAT

BECAUSE I'M NERVOUS OR ANXIOUS ABOUT SOMETHING.

HELEN-- OH, YOU REMEMBER?

YOU PUSHED ME DOWN ON THE SIDEWALK 'CAUSE I SPILLED HOT FUDGE

ALL OVER YOUR NEW DRESS. GIVE IT UP, HELEN.

[sighing]

I'M HUNGRY. IS ANYBODY HUNGRY?

HAVEN'T YOU GOT ANYTHING TO EAT BACK HERE?

SOME PEANUTS OR SOME CRACKERS OR--

RELAX, WILL YOU? IT'S ONLY A 40-MINUTE FLIGHT.

MAYBE ONE OF THOSE PRE-MOISTENED TOWELETTES.

YOU KNOW, WITH THE LEMON SCENT.

I COULD JUST SORT OF SUCK ON IT.

OH, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT MOON?

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL? HMM.

AH, WELL, WELL, WELL,

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THE 3 OF US?

[laughs]

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME WHEN I DIDN'T THINK

I'D BE SPEAKING TO EITHER OF YOU AGAIN.

JOE, ABOUT THAT TIME WHEN--WHEN BRIAN AND I, UM, WELL, YOU KNOW...

YOU MEAN, WHEN YOU DUMPED ME AND RAN OFF WITH BRIAN?

OH, YOU DO REMEMBER.

DON'T WORRY, CAROL, THAT WAS 6 YEARS AGO.

I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

[inaudible]

WELL, CAN I SAY I'M SORRY?

I THINK YOU JUST DID.

SO, UH, I GUESS YOU'RE GONNA BE NEEDING A PLACE TO STAY.

(Carol) OH, I'LL FIND A ROOM.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY. YOU CAN MOVE IN WITH US.

JOE CAN MOVE OUT FOR A FEW DAYS.

ALL RIGHT? UM...

OH, NO, I DON'T WANT TO INCONVENIENCE ANYBODY.

[thudding] WELL, HOW ABOUT HELEN? SHE'S GOT AN EXTRA BEDROOM.

AH, BUT THAT'S OK, REALLY.

I FEEL A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE STAYING WITH STRANGERS.

THERE ARE PLENTY OF GUEST HOUSES ON THE ISLAND. I'LL BE FINE.

[plastic crackling]

HA! YEAH! I FOUND A PACKAGE OF ROASTED ALMONDS.

FOUND IT RIGHT BETWEEN THE SEATS.

HA!

[birds chirping]

MORNING, HELEN. WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

LOOKS LIKE YOU CRUSHED UP A BAG OF OREOS AND POURED MILK OVER THEM.

I'M ALL OUT OF OAT BRAN, OK?

ARE YOU UPSET ABOUT SOMETHIN'?

I'M NOT UPSET ABOUT ANYTHING.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HAVE A LITTLE BREAKFAST HERE,

AND IF HEAR ONE MORE WORD OUT OF YOU,

I'M GONNA CRAM THIS FRIGGIN' BOWL DOWN YOUR THROAT.

YOU KNOW, FOR A SECOND THERE,

SHE SOUNDED JUST LIKE MY LATE WIFE.

WHERE'S HELEN?

TRUST ME, LOWELL, YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW.

YES, I DO.

I THINK IT'S ONE OF THOSE WOMAN THINGS.

GOD, I'M TIRED OF THOSE.

YOU'RE TIRED OF THEM?

YEAH.

YOU'RE TIRED OF THOSE WOMAN THINGS?

ROY, ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT YOU'RE A WOMAN DRESSED UP LIKE A MAN?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

AND A HEARING LOSS TO BOOT.

YOU'VE GOT A LOT ON YOUR PLATE, MY FRIEND.

ARE YOU STARK RAVING MAD?

AH, A FIERY WENCH. GUYS LOVE THAT.

YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME.

RELAX, ROY.

MY WIFE WOULD KILL ME IF SHE CAUGHT ME CHEATING ON HER.

HEY, GUYS. HEY, BRIAN, HOW WAS THE FLIGHT?

AH, ROUTINE. THE CONTROLS SEEMED A LITTLE SLUGGISH AT FIRST,

BUT THEN SOME FAT GUY FELL OUT, AND EVERYTHING WAS FINE.

VERY FUNNY.

HEY, JOE. YEAH?

I PROMISED I WOULD TAKE CAROL ON A PICNIC OVER AT SIASCONSET LIGHT.

BUT IN ORDER TO DO THAT, YOU GOTTA TAKE MY NEXT FLIGHT FOR ME, HUH?

SOUNDS LIKE YOU GUYS ARE GETTING ALONG PRETTY WELL.

AH, WE'RE DOING GREAT. IT'S LIKE A FRESH START.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY? YOU'LL DO IT, PLEASE? PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?

YEAH, SURE. WHY NOT? AH! GREAT!

I JUST GOTTA DASH OUT AND GET SOME GOODIES. I'LL BE BACK IN 10 MINUTES.

I LOVE YOU.

I'VE GOT TO START PAYING CLOSER ATTENTION AROUND HERE.

GOOD GOD, HELEN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M HAVING A LITTLE SNACK.

EVER SINCE CAROL CAME BACK, YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT EAT, EAT, EAT.

HELEN, LOOK AT YOURSELF.

YOU'VE GOT PIE ALL OVER YOUR FACE.

OH, GOD.

I'M LETTIN' THIS WOMAN AFFECT ME.

I'VE REVERTED BACK TO MY OLD SELF-DESTRUCTIVE EATING HABITS.

TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME. GOOD FOR YOU.

UGH! I DON'T WANNA SEE THAT ANYMORE.

I'M DONE PIGGIN' OUT.

THANKS, JOE.

LOWELL, DID YOU GET THE PIZZA?

UH, IT'S OUT IN THE PICKUP. YOU WANT ME TO GET IT?

NO, NO, NO. BRING IT OUT TO THE HANGAR.

THERE'S TOO MANY PRYING EYES AROUND HERE.

RIGHT.

AND WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T LET JOE SEE YOU.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT JOE.

HE'S GOT OTHER THINGS ON HIS MIND.

[knocking on door]

AM I DISTURBING ANYTHING?

CAROL.

NO, COME IN. I WAS JUST STRAIGHTENING UP MY DESK.

[airplane whirring]

STILL NEAT AS A PIN, HUH?

WELL, HEY, I AM GETTING BETTER.

I MEAN-- I MEAN, DO YOU SEE THAT STAPLER?

IN THE OLD DAYS, THAT WOULD'VE HAD TO HAVE BEEN AT A 90-DEGREE ANGLE.

NOW IT'S ABOUT 82, AND IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL.

SO, UH, YOU'RE GOING ON A PICNIC, HUH?

JOE, I HOPE ALL THIS HASN'T BEEN TOO DIFFICULT FOR YOU.

YOU MEAN, SEEING YOU AND BRIAN TOGETHER?

NO, NO, IT'S OK. I'M HAPPY FOR YOU TWO.

I MEAN, IT TOOK ME A WHILE, BUT I FINALLY REALIZED

THAT IT'S NOT GONNA WORK BETWEEN YOU AND ME. AND IF IT'S NOT GONNA--

CAROL!

CAROL.

NO! NO!

THIS--THIS CAN'T HAPPEN.

YOU CAME BACK FOR BRIAN.

I KNOW I DID.

BUT ALL OF A SUDDEN, ALL THESE FEELINGS FOR YOU CAME WELLING UP INSIDE ME.

I DIDN'T PLAN THIS, JOE. I'M AS SURPRISED AS YOU ARE.

I DOUBT IT. OH.

[both moaning]

[grunting]

WE SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF OURSELVES.

I MEAN, BRIAN IS OUT BUYING BREAD AND CHEESE

AND, I DON'T KNOW, THOSE LITTLE SMOKED OYSTERS, MAYBE, AND--AND...

OH, I HOPE HE DOESN'T GET THOSE LITTLE SMOKED OYSTERS.

I DON'T LIKE THOSE. DO YOU?

NOT MUCH.

WELL, SOMETIMES IF YOU GET THE RIGHT KIND. I LIKE THE ONES...

[moaning]

JOE, WE'VE GOT TO STOP THIS RIGHT NOW BEFORE IT GOES ANY FURTHER.

I COULDN'T AGREE MORE.

[both panting]

WHAT AM I DOING?

JOE, STOP FEELING SO GUILTY.

I'M PARTLY TO BLAME HERE, TOO.

OH, DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF.

I'M SURE YOU JUST TRIPPED, FELL, AND LANDED ON MY LIPS.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO ANYONE.

I'M SORRY. ARE YOU STILL ANGRY WITH ME?

FURIOUS.

HEY, GUYS? GUYS?

OUT HERE, BRIAN.

HEY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DESK?

MY DESK? YEAH.

OH, UH, I WAS JUST POLISHING IT.

AH, IT'S SO NICE AND SHINY. MOM WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD.

OH, I DON'T KNOW. HEY.

HI, THERE.

HEY, I GOT A CAN OF THOSE LITTLE SMOKED OYSTERS I KNOW YOU LIKE SO MUCH.

OOH, YUM, YUM.

HEY, JOE, JOE, I WANNA THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID.

I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. WHY WOULD I DO SOMETHING?

COME ON, YOU TOOK MY FLIGHT FOR ME, AND I APPRECIATE IT.

OH, THAT. RIGHT. YEAH, HEY, ANYTIME. UH, WHICH REMINDS ME.

I GOTTA GO DO MY FLEE FRIGHT-- UH, MY FREE FLIGHT--

I--I GOTTA GO.

YEAH.

HEY, CAROL, YOU GOT A PAPER CLIP ON YOUR BACK.

[door closing]

[footsteps pattering]

GOOD NIGHT, JOE.

AND THANKS AGAIN FOR LETTING ME WORK AT SANDPIPER AIR.

YOU'RE WELCOME, FAY, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY THAT TO ME EVERY NIGHT.

YOU'VE GOT THE JOB.

OH, UM, WELL, IN THAT CASE, I'D LIKE A DENTAL PLAN.

I'M KIDDING.

SORT OF.

GOOD NIGHT.

WELL, SHE'S ALL LOCKED UP, JOE.

JUST CATCH THE FRONT DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT.

OK, LOWELL. GOOD NIGHT.

EVERYTHING OK, JOE?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I'VE GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM.

BUT, HEY, EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS.

NOT LIKE YOURS.

LISTEN, JOE, IF YOU AND BRIAN WANNA DATE EACH OTHER,

WELL, IT'S YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

BUT BEFORE YOU GIVE UP ON THE FAIRER SEX,

GIVE ROY A CALL.

A NICER GAL YOU WON'T FIND ANYWHERE.

LOWELL JUST GAVE ME A REALLY WEIRD LOOK.

HOW COULD YOU TELL?

HEY--HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WENT TO DINNER WITH CAROL.

NAH, I JUST DROPPED HER OFF.

SHE SAID SHE DID SOMETHING TO HER BACK TODAY.

YEAH, THAT CAN HAPPEN.

JOE, I WANT YOU TO KNOW

HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE YOU BEING SUCH A GREAT SPORT ABOUT ALL THIS.

UH, BRIAN, LISTEN.

THERE'S SOMETHING I-- I'VE GOTTA--

JOE, JOE, JOE, JOE.

IF CAROL AND I DO GET BACK TOGETHER,

MAYBE WE CAN ADD A ROOM ONTO THE HOUSE.

BRIAN, LISTEN TO ME, I--

OF COURSE, EVENTUALLY WE'LL HAVE TO MOVE INTO SOMETHING A LITTLE BIGGER

ONCE THE LITTLE ONES START ARRIVING. I'D KIND OF LIKE A GIRL.

BRIAN, PLEASE-- WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHAT DO YOU THINK--

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT NAMES?

I'M KIND OF PARTIAL TO DORALDINE. BRIAN.

AH, BUT THERE'LL BE LIKE 6 OTHER DORALDINES IN HER CLASS.

BUT I-- BRIAN, HOW 'BOUT YOU SHUT UP FOR GOD'S SAKE?

BRIAN...

CAROL MADE A PASS AT ME TODAY.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

BRIAN, IT'S TRUE.

AND WHAT'S WORSE IS,

I PASSED BACK.

HMM. WELL, THAT PART I BELIEVE.

OH, BOY.

OH, THIS MUST BE REAL SWEET FOR YOU, HUH?

YEAH, YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO TAKE YOUR REVENGE, COULD YOU?

SO--SO, WHEN DID YOU START PLANNING THIS, HUH?

WHEN YOU HEARD THAT SHE WAS COMING BACK TO NANTUCKET?

OR DIDN'T IT OCCUR TO YOU UNTIL YOU SAW THAT I WAS HAPPY?

THAT'S NOT TRUE! YEAH, IT IS TRUE!

BRIAN, CAROL MADE THE FIRST MOVE.

NOW, YOU SHUT UP!

LOOK, 6 YEARS AGO SHE LEFT ME AND WENT AFTER YOU.

6 MONTHS AGO, SHE LEFT YOU AND--AND WENT AFTER SOME OTHER GUY.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE?

BECAUSE IT'S DIFFERENT THIS TIME! I KNOW IT IS.

BRIAN, I JUST DON'T WANNA SEE YOU GET HURT AGAIN.

HEY, IF YOU DON'T WANNA GET HURT,

YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER.

BRIAN!

[knocking on door]

[knocking on door]

HELLO, CAROL.

W-W-WHAT DO YOU WANT? HELEN, ISN'T IT?

VERY GOOD.

AREN'T YOU GONNA INVITE ME IN? THANK YOU.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

NO, THE QUESTION IS WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HAVEN'T YOU SCREWED UP THE HACKETT BOYS' LIFE ENOUGH FOR ONE LIFETIME?

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

I'VE HAD 4 GLASSES OF CHIANTI WITH MY SPAGHETTI.

AND I HAD 3 HELPINGS OF THAT IF YOU MUST KNOW.

AH, WELL, THAT WOULD EXPLAIN

THAT ATTRACTIVE SPAGHETTI SAUCE STAIN ON YOUR SWEATER THEN.

OH, YEAH, I ACCIDENTALLY BOUNCED A MEATBALL OFF MY LEFT BREAST.

I WANT YOU TO LEAVE.

WELL, THE FEELING IS MUTUAL.

WHERE DO YOU GET OFF NOT REMEMBERING WHO I AM?

WE WERE IN EVERY SCHOOL PRODUCTION TOGETHER.

YOU WERE ALWAYS THE STAR OF THE SHOW,

AND I PLAYED THE CELLO DOWN IN THE PIT.

IF THAT ISN'T A METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING.

YOU EVEN SIGNED MY YEARBOOK.

"I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU. LOVE, CAROL."

THAT'S YOU?

YOU WERE THE FAT, LITTLE CELLIST DOWN IN THE PIT.

YES, YES! THAT WAS ME! YOU REMEMBER!

SO, HOW YOU BEEN?

SO, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?

OH, YES, I REMEMBER YOU.

YOU ALWAYS HATED ME

'CAUSE BRIAN AND JOE WERE INTERESTED IN ME AND NOT YOU.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

THERE WAS PLENTY OF OTHER REASONS TO HATE YOU.

BUT THAT WAS THE BIG ONE, WASN'T IT?

AND APPARENTLY, THINGS HAVEN'T CHANGED.

OH, IT MUST BE SO FRUSTRATING FOR YOU.

I MEAN, IN ONE DAY, I HAVE THE BOYS FALLING ALL OVER EACH OTHER.

SOMETHING YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO ACCOMPLISH IN 10 YEARS.

[shouts] I BET YOU REMEMBER ME NOW!

[screaming]

[knocking on door]

[grunting]

[banging on door]

HEY, CAROL! HEY!

(Brian) HELEN, WHAT IS GOIN' ON HERE?

SHE'S DRUNK!

HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING, HELEN?

[whispering] I HAD A LITTLE WINE WITH DINNER.

NOW, WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT?

WELL, LOOK WHO'S ASKING THE QUESTIONS.

I COULD ASK YOU A REAL DOOZY, LOVER-BOY.

AND SO COULD YOUR BROTHER,

[whispering] IF HE KNEW.

I'VE ALREADY TOLD BRIAN.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?

OH, I SAW YOU TWO PAWING EACH OTHER.

I BET YOU NEVER GUESSED

THERE WOULD BE SOMEONE SITTING IN THOSE LOCKERS EATING PIZZA.

SHE WAS ALL OVER HIM LIKE SYRUP ON PANCAKES.

OOH, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

DOES THIS PLACE HAVE ROOM SERVICE? I'LL GO CHECK.

OH, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

BRIAN, I AM SO SORRY IF I HURT YOU.

IT'S JUST, I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING TORN APART.

I MEAN, HALF OF ME WANTS YOU AND ALL THE CRAZINESS THAT GOES WITH YOU,

BUT--BUT THE OTHER HALF WANTS JOE, SO STRONG AND SOLID.

YOU CAN HAVE THE HALF OF HER THAT COOKS.

HOW CAN YOU JOKE ABOUT THIS?

BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I DO.

THIS ISN'T FAIR TO EITHER ONE OF YOU.

I HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION. I KNOW THAT.

COULD YOU JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE, 'CAUSE I CAN'T THINK STRAIGHT.

WE'LL KNOW SOON ENOUGH, EH?

WOULD YOU LISTEN TO YOURSELF?

SHE'S IN THERE DECIDING WHICH ONE OF US SHE'S GONNA PICK.

LIKE WE'RE A-- WE'RE A COUPLE OF MELONS ON A FRUIT STAND.

WELL, I'M TAKING MYSELF OUT OF THE RUNNING.

AND IF YOU HAVE ANY DIGNITY AT ALL, YOU'LL DO THE SAME.

MMM, DIGNITY WAS NEVER MY STRONG SUIT.

LOOK WHAT SHE IS DOING TO US, BRIAN.

THE LAST TIME SHE CAME BETWEEN US,

WE DIDN'T SPEAK FOR 6 YEARS.

NOW, I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN AGAIN, DO YOU?

NO.

WELL, ONE OF US HAS BEEN UP FRONT WITH YOU.

ONE OF US HAS TOLD YOU THE TRUTH.

AND ONLY ONE OF US REALLY CARES ABOUT YOU.

JUST MY LUCK IT'S YOU.

OH, OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

OH, THIS WOMAN IS POISON TO US.

PURE STRYCHNINE.

WE'RE MEN, BRIAN. OH.

LET'S ACT LIKE MEN.

RIGHT YOU ARE, JOSEPH. AS FAR AS SHE'S CONCERNED, WE'RE NOT INTERESTED.

[door opening]

WELL, THERE'S NO GRACIOUS WAY TO DO THIS,

SO, UH, I PICK BRIAN.

YES! YES! ALL RIGHT! YES!

MELONS, BRIAN, MELONS.

YEAH, OK, OK, OK.

I'M SORRY, CAROL. I'M NOT INTERESTED.

I SEE.

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, JOE?

ARE YOU REJECTING ME, TOO?

JOE?

JOE, SHE'S TALKING TO YOU.

NOW, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE AS BAD AS I AM,

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S FACE IT.

NEITHER ONE OF US HAS THE PRUNES TO BREAK UP WITH HER.

IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE A TEAM EFFORT.

WE HAVE TO TELL HER THAT WE CAN'T SEE HER ANYMORE.

LET'S DO IT.

[both grunting]

CAROL, WE CAN'T SEE YOU ANYMORE.

YEAH, YOU'RE NO GOOD FOR US.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, SURE, WE HAD SOME GREAT TIMES TOGETHER,

AND THOSE WILL ALWAYS BE CHERISHED MEMORIES FOR US.

HEY, HEY, HEY, YOU REMEMBER THE FIRST TIME WE SAW HER?

OUR HEARTS SKIPPED A BEAT. YEAH.

NOW'S THE TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

WE'RE BREAKIN' UP WITH YOU, CAROL.

AND PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T TRY TO STOP US.

GOOD-BYE, CAROL. GOOD-BYE, CAROL.

WELL, YOU BOTH KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.

[both scoffing]

[knocking on door]

I KNEW IT.

HELEN.

GOOD NEWS. THEY DO HAVE ROOM SERVICE.

DO YOU WANNA SEE THE DESSERT MENU?