Original subtitles

Eastern Europe tanks amass...

with no military commitment from NATO

California governor urges...

Nuclear doomsday clock standing at one minute to midnight.

Brothers.

Let us pray.

Dear Father, hold us in your light,

as we prepare to enter the whore's den...

one minute to midnight, on the very brink of extinction.

Please open their hearts as you opened ours.

In Christ's name, amen.

Amen.

One minute before midnight.

Tick-tock, Wade.

Are you ready to hear the truth?

Are you ready to hear the truth?

Hello, neighbors, are you ready to hear the truth?

The fuck are you supposed to be?

The Doomsday Clock just moved to one minute to midnight.

At this very moment, the entire nuclear arsenal

of our great country is ready to launch at the Russians,

and vice versa.

What's up with the pandas?

In the Kingdom of Heaven,

all God's creations live in peace with each...

Can I have your tie?

Leave him alone.

Come on. I wanna hear more about the pandas.

Come on.

So, where are you from?

Uh...

Tulsa.

Oklahoma?

What are you doing in Jersey?

- This is where the sinners are. - Can't argue with you there.

You really think it's over?

- What do you mean? - You heard Nixon on the news.

Is the bomb gonna kill us all?

Yes.

I believe it is.

Aren't you afraid?

No, ma'am.

Are you afraid of me?

Uh... No, ma'am.

What are you afraid of?

Nothing.

What are you doing?

Are you a virgin?

What?

Have you ever had sex with a person?

No.

This might be your last chance, Oklahoma.

You wouldn't want to get nuked before you get fucked.

Do you?

Wait...

It's okay. Just stand there.

Please. I don't want to.

Sure looks to me like you do.

Fuck you, Bible Boy!

I got that Okie's clothes!

Oh, fuck.

You dummy.

You're pathetic,

and you're a sinner.

You're a filthy, dumb sinner, and now, you get what you deserve!

What happened?

What happened?

What happened?

What happened?

We came back for all the hit Broadway shows.

We came back to hike through Central Park for hours

and not see another soul.

It's so romantic.

Maybe I shouldn't have come back.

'Cause if this place gets any safer, I'm gonna be out of a job.

I came back for Italian food.

You know how we like our squid now?

With lemon and a little marinara.

Come back to New York.

Desire to visit, ten.

Recommend to friends and family, ten.

Desire to relocate...

Ten.

They despised it.

What?

They despised your commercial.

No, they all said they loved it.

You didn't hire me to tell you what they said.

You hired me to tell you the truth.

They told you they loved it

because what hot-blooded Oklahoma male is gonna admit he's scared?

I watched 'em watch.

And what I saw was fear.

People buy things out of fear all the time.

Not this kind.

Sorry, gentlemen, but all your ad does is remind folks

that three million people suffered

a horrific, traumatizing and inexplicable death.

That was 30 years ago. Everybody's over it. They've moved on.

Well, sir, in my professional opinion...

They ain't movin' on to New York.

I suspect the calamari didn't help.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, you've gathered up the usual suspects,

beat the shit out of them at your little black site,

stuck them in Mirror Guy's interrogation pod,

and you've got absolutely fucking nothing to show for it.

So, now, we're gonna do things my way.

We can't see who they are,

but we can see where they are.

You find this church...

Maybe we find the Kavalry.

I want units checking every house of worship

within 50 miles of Tulsa.

There can't be less than four or five thousand of them, right?

Okay.

That'll do it, folks.

Go get me some religion.

How do you tell difference

between Catholic church and Baptist church?

They're basically all the same.

This one might be Episcopalian.

Hey, Glass, you grew up around here.

You a religious guy?

Is that lettuce on your sandwich?

Yeah, so?

Did you get it out of this?

Oh, shit. Is that from truck?

If by "truck," you mean the one filled with lettuce

driven by a Kavalry member who shot a cop, yes, Red.

It was gonna go bad.

- Hey. - Howdy.

- What did your ex say about the pills? - Nothing as yet.

Did you tell her that it was important?

I communicated that, yes.

How about you pick up the phone and communicate it again?

Because she's doing a favor.

And when someone's doing you a favor, you don't lean on 'em.

Oh, so, this is you doing me a favor, man?

Because it looks like you're doing nothing.

Hey, Mirror Guy?

Hey, got a minute?

Have a seat.

Wade, you can take the mask off. I know what you look like.

Regs say to keep 'em on inside the precinct.

Why? We're all on the same side.

The concealment of identity is critical to our safety.

Wade, do you think I'm a member of the Seventh Kavalry?

No, ma'am.

Then why don't you just roll that baby up

and let me see those sad green eyes of yours?

So, you're from Tulsa.

Close enough.

Town called Hugo, down by the Texas border.

Oh, Jesus. You were in New York on 11/2, huh?

New Jersey, actually.

You still scared shitless?

Excuse me?

I've heard that people who were in the psychic blast zone

still wake up in the middle of the night screaming.

I sleep great.

Cool.

I see you joined the force right after the White Night.

Justice needed to be applied.

And once they let you yahoos put masks on,

you had an excuse to wrap your entire head in Reflectatine.

Implying what?

Guaranteed protection from psychic blasts.

Ergo, you sleep great.

Market research. Is that your cover?

So, you watch a bunch of idiots

and they tell you what they hate about the new flavor of Pringles,

so, no one knows you're secretly Mirror Guy?

I know you know it's Looking Glass.

But you can have Mirror Guy if you want.

Hmm?

Okay. Thanks for coming by.

That's it?

That's it.

Oh, shit. Wait.

There was one other thing I wanted to ask you about.

Um, what pills?

I'm sorry?

Well, I bugged the cactus on your desk and Angela Abar...

Sorry. Sister Night was just asking about some pills.

You bugged my cactus?

Well, don't take it personally. I'm FBI. We bug shit.

So...

What pills?

That's a personal issue between Sister Night and me.

It would be a violation of her medical privacy to divulge it.

- May I go? - You surely may, Mirror Guy.

Some enchanted evening

You may see a stranger

You may see a stranger

Across a crowded room

And somehow you know

You know even then

That somewhere you'll see her

Again and again

Some enchanted evening...

Don't look at me.

Why not? I know you're beautiful under there.

Just take it off.

Let me see your face.

You're never gonna see my face.

Motherfuck.

Did I do it right? What does that mean? It's not brain surgery.

You just hit the big button in the shelter,

and the goddamn siren shuts off.

Of course, sir. I'm happy to schedule a technician

to provide an in-home tutorial...

I do not need a tutorial.

I have conducted over 500 drills on this unit.

It's your machine that's malfunctioning, not me.

So, you need to replace it.

Sir, I'm sorry, how often have you been running drills?

As often as I deem necessary.

Right. It's just the Alert Pro manual recommends

that you program an EDI simulation no more than once every six weeks.

I don't give two brown turds about the manual.

- All right, sir. - When can you get me a new unit?

We can ship one out to you by next Thursday...

No, no, no, no. Uh-uh. No way.

No good. I'm gonna need it sooner. Post haste. Soon as you can.

We can do an overnight rush,

but that's gonna cost as much as the unit itself.

No problem. That's great.

- Overnight. Do that. - Yes, sir.

And throw in another roll of Reflectatine while you're at it.

Yes, sir. And thank you for being a valued customer

of ExtraDimensional Security...

When you find your true love

When you feel her call you

Across a crowded room

Then fly to her side

And make her your own

Or all through your life

You may dream all alone

Once you have found her, Never let her go

Once you have found her

Never let her go

Okay, guys.

What do you think of the cereal?

It tastes like...

Nothing.

Okay.

Could you be a little more specific?

I mean, everything tastes like something.

This doesn't.

Uh-huh. What about the crunch?

Raise your hand if you like the way it crunches.

Here at Forever Pet, we offer the splice of life,

taking your beloved animal's unique DNA

and making an exact replica,

so that you never have to say goodbye again.

Our patented process...

Hi. I'm here to see Cynthia Tillman.

Bennett. Sorry, Cynthia Bennett.

Howdy.

Howdy yourself.

Got some of your mail at the house.

Damn post office.

Three times I filled out that form.

Naked eye. Be honest.

Do these dogs look exactly the same to you?

That one's just a little smaller.

Shit.

You want her?

What am I gonna do with a dog?

I see the hat is back.

Didn't have time to comb my hair.

It's okay to admit that you're anxious, Wade.

I'm fine. Just a little squidfall. Happens all the time.

I was talking about your chief getting murdered.

You wanna tell me about the pills?

It's Nostalgia.

Nostalgia?

- You sure? - Yeah, I'm sure.

Also sure they outlawed those,

'cause it turns out, putting memories into pill form led to psychosis.

So, I highly recommend you tell your lady friend not to take them.

I never said I got 'em from a lady.

Did you get them from a lady?

You have your pick of good women,

so why do you keep getting mixed up

with the ones that are just gonna kick you in the balls?

I picked you. You're a good woman.

And for seven years, I tried to convince you

that I wasn't gonna run off with your clothes

and leave you naked all by yourself.

Uh-huh.

Seven years of bad luck.

My mom was in fucking Brooklyn when it happened.

So, she caught that psychic blast full on.

I mean, full fucking on.

You know what it's like to be raised by someone

who's always just waiting for the next big one?

Squids, man.

Fucking squids.

I read an article.

There's this thing...

"Genetic Trauma."

Basically, if something really bad happens to your parents,

it gets locked into their DNA.

So, when my mom got hit by the blast...

even though I wasn't born until ten years after 11/2...

it's like I inherited her pain.

Friend of Nemo's?

Welcome aboard.

Thank you.

Anyway...

I keep calling EDS, but I always hang up.

I don't wanna end up one of those fucking nutters

with my head wrapped in their magic tin foil.

One day at a time, right?

Just sometimes, I feel like it's never going to end.

I was where you are.

And I thought about that one-eyed fucker all the time

and it terrified me.

But I am no longer afraid.

On 11/2, the Soviet Union was on the verge of annihilating us.

And we were more than prepared to return the favor.

Then that enormous, tentacled abomination teleported into New York.

If it hadn't arrived when it did...

We would all be ash.

It united us against a common threat.

Does it ever end?

Of course, it does.

Because we are all in a tunnel and every tunnel ends.

It ends with light.

And if you trust me,

I will do my best to show you to it.

Hands.

We know there are other dimensions than this one,

but this is the dimension where we live,

and we will not live in fear.

Good night.

Night.

I don't know if anybody told you, but we meet on Tuesdays, too.

Eight o'clock.

Great.

I don't believe you.

- Sorry? - There's no light.

You're still in the tunnel.

I bet you're just as batshit as the rest of us.

Bats do shit in tunnels.

But sadly, there's no way to settle that bet

until we can assess your trauma relative to mine.

Maybe you can share when you come back Tuesday.

I'm not coming back Tuesday.

Okay. Fair enough.

Follow me.

Of course, they hated it.

You can't call a cereal Smiley-O's and not put sugar in it.

Alas, sugar causes tooth decay,

hyperactivity and the Big C.

Come on. We used to eat buckets of sugar and we won Vietnam.

Technically, Dr. Manhattan won Vietnam, but I concede the point.

So, if all the kids say is whether they like the cereal or hate it,

what do they need you for?

Focus groups are rife with bullshit.

They need me to determine truth.

You can tell when people are lying?

Indeed, I can.

There's a skill I could have used two husbands ago.

So, what do you do?

I'm a waitress.

No, try again.

Okay.

I work in foreclosures.

No, ma'am, you do not.

I'm a radiologist.

Indeed, you are.

So, now, that we've established our... respective occupations...

should we settle our bet?

Our bet?

As to our relative batshit-tedness.

Is that all you want out of me, Wade? My squid story?

No pressure, but yes.

Well, it's fucking stupid.

I mean, you were there on 11/2.

- You're gonna be mad when I say it. - I promise I will not.

Pale Horse.

The movie.

Pale Horse. It came out in '92. Steven Spielberg.

- Won, like, a gazillion Oscars... - Right, right. Sure.

- I haven't seen it. - Well, I've seen it a thousand times.

At least that's when I stopped counting. I know everything about that movie.

It's called Pale Horse because that's the name of the band

that was playing Madison Square Garden when the squid hit.

Anyway...

There's this one scene with this little girl in a red coat.

The movie is black and white, so, the red really pops, you know.

Um...

And the girl's stumbling around Herald Square.

Walking under the tentacles, through all the dead bodies.

And she's scared.

And she's calling out for her mom.

That just really stuck with me, you know.

I mean, I know it's stupid, being obsessed with a movie,

but watching it just makes me feel better.

Face-your-fears thing.

'Cause I'm scared all the time, you know.

I mean...

There's a squidfall...

and people just pull their cars over and turn their wipers on,

like aliens aren't falling from the fucking sky?

Why isn't everybody petrified?

The only time I'm not losing my mind

is when I'm watching that film or fucking.

What?

You know, fucking?

And I'm drunk.

I gotta call a friend for a ride home.

I can take you home.

You are also drunk.

Cute, but drunk.

Maybe you should call a friend, too.

I don't have any friends.

No, thanks. I don't partake.

- It's just tobacco. - A controlled substance, nonetheless.

- Where'd you get it? - Why, are you gonna call the cops?

Used my last quarter calling a cab.

It does smell awful good.

Does it?

You were right.

I'm not out of the tunnel.

At least, we're in it together.

Here's my ride.

See you Tuesday.

See you Tuesday.

Shit.

Dispatch, this is Glass.

Did we ever recover the truck from the guy that shot Sutton?

Please repeat that.

The truck. The lettuce truck the goddamn Kavalry was driving,

did we ever recover it?

That's a negative. Why?

I'll call you back.

Way to go, dummy. You sure can pick 'em.

Another kick in the balls coming up.

Dispatch, this is Glass.

I have positively ID'd Seven-K suspects. Requesting backup.

I'm at that abandoned department store out on rural Route 9. Do you copy?

Copy that. We're on our way.

I heard it come out over here.

The church.

Forty degrees, south-southwest.

- Wade. - Nobody move!

Hey. He's here.

Tulsa Police! Everybody, down on the ground!

You, turn that fucking thing off.

- Just be cool, okay? - Are you opening portals? Are you?

- Let's just talk about this. - Answer me! Or I will shoot!

- What the hell is going on here? - What's going on here, Wade,

is that I went to a lot of trouble to bring you in.

We even rigged the lettuce to fall off the damn truck.

But if you're just gonna keep yelling, I'm not gonna be able to tell you why.

Can you lower the gun, please?

Blanks, Wade. Just to be safe.

Oh, and that was us on your walkie, too. We boosted your signal.

What is this?

This is the only way to show you the truth, Wade.

I really am a radiologist.

Reflectatine, huh?

You put that in all your hats?

Gotta protect the grey matter from psychic blasts, man.

I hear that stuff does the trick.

Is that why you made your mask out of it?

The one you wear to work?

I know who you are, Looking Glass.

Are you even trying to disguise your voice, Senator?

Shit. Am I still wearing my mask? Sorry.

That is just incredibly rude. This is just for them.

You're gonna kill me.

What? Wade, buddy, why would I kill you?

- You're a cop killer. - You mean the White Night?

Come on. I'm not a murderer.

I'm a politician.

I came down here and assumed leadership of these idiots

to prevent that shit from happening again.

And my buddy, Judd, did the same as Chief of Police.

Each of us managing our respective teams,

so that we could maintain the peace.

That's not true.

Is anything true, Wade?

Lord Jesus.

You don't really care about any of this.

Because all you really care about

is what you saw us throwing those basketballs into.

- You know what it was? - It was a CX924 teleportation window.

Just like the one they were playing around with

at the Institute for Transdimensional Studies

in Herald Square on 11/2.

That is correct.

You wanna guess what that bad boy is for?

You're gonna open up a portal in Tulsa.

Drop another squid on us.

Come on. Where is the originality in that? No.

No, we're gonna do something new.

Wade...

I'm gonna show you something...

and after you see it,

you're gonna walk out of here and you're never gonna be afraid

of big, teleporting aliens ever again.

Because I'm gonna set you free.

In return, I'm gonna ask you to do me a favor.

Call it a squid pro quo.

This Angela Abar...

She either killed Judd Crawford or she knows who did.

Either way, she threatens to disrupt the aforementioned peace.

I know Agent Blake already suspects her, so how about you just help that along?

Angela trusts you.

Serve her up.

And that way, I don't have to ask these racist Okies

to go to her house and kill her and her entire fucking family.

I just need to get her off the board for a couple of days while I wrap things up.

Your call, Wade.

Either way works for me.

All right.

A couple weeks after I was elected Senator of the great State of Oklahoma,

I was appointed to the Appropriations Committee,

which sucked, because I wanted something sexy like Intelligence or Judiciary,

but you get what you get, you don't get upset, so I accepted.

And my very first day, they brought me into a little room

and they showed me what I'm about to show you.

Took me a couple of years to pirate a copy for myself.

So, Wade, you can tell your cop buddies I'm running the Kavalry,

and then I'll convince them all you're crazy,

which will not be difficult, given your secret shiny hats.

Or you can press play.

And finally be free.

I'll leave it entirely in your hands.

Hello, Robert. Adrian Veidt here.

Assuming my instructions have been followed to the letter,

today is January 21st, 1993,

and you were just inaugurated.

Allow me to be amongst the very first to say,

"Congratulations, President Redford."

So, I am recording this message on November 1st, 1985,

seven years in your past.

How could I predict that you would be elected president

with such incredible accuracy?

Because I didn't predict it. I planned it.

Here, in '85, the end is nigh.

Nuclear holocaust between the United States

and Russia is imminent.

Fortunately, I planned for this, too.

And the only way to stave off mankind's extinction

is with a weapon more powerful than any atomic device.

That weapon is fear.

And I, Mr. President, am its architect.

In 24 hours' time, that's seven years ago for you...

an extra-dimensional monster will materialize in Manhattan,

unleashing a psychic blast that kills half the city's population

and traumatizes millions more.

Yet, the monster will not have come from another dimension at all.

Well, it'll have come from me.

A hoax, Mr. President.

An elaborate, meticulously-engineered hoax

to save the world.

Now, the hard part. What's next?

The transition won't start immediately. The world will need time to heal.

And, of course, I'll have to maintain the peace

with additional small-scale extra-dimensional events.

But now, I'm sure, as you watch this, mankind is ready for change.

I envision a stronger, loving world

committed to caring for the weak, reversing environmental ruin,

and cultivating true equality.

I know you share these values.

That's why I'll do all I can,

and why I did all I could, to get you elected.

But this will only work if you willingly become my partner, Mr. President.

My partner in building a utopia.

But first, I'll need to earn your trust, and you, undoubtedly, have questions.

If you'll indulge me for the next few hours...

I think I have some answers.

So, let's dive in, shall we?

Chop-chop, everyone. Come on. Time is of the essence.

Where is the... Ah, there we are.

That's good, yeah.

Ready, Mr. Philips!

Safe travels, Master.

Three, two...

One!

Ah.

There you are.

I did it!

I did it!

Was I not clear in my letter?

I warned you. Time and time and time again.

Yet, you continue to defy the laws of this land

and those of us who serve it.

And what do you serve, you wrinkled, piteous husk of a man?

You serve only yourself!

And for that, you must bear the consequence.

Master Adrian Veidt...

By the power vested in me as warden of these lands,

I place you under arrest.

May God have mercy on your soul.

God?

Your God's abandoned you.

Why wouldn't he? You're pathetic.

Every one of you!

Alas, Master Veidt is correct.

Our God has left us, and it is unlikely he'll return.

No mercy it is.

Take a minute.

Soak it in before you say anything.

And just tell us, in your own words, what Mercy smells like to you.

Bullshit. Hooded Justice was around in '40s.

Dr. Manhattan didn't exist till 1960.

So what? He could time-travel.

He cannot fucking time-travel.

I've watched every episode, man.

And I'm telling you, Hooded Justice is Dr. Manhattan.

- Yeah. - Well?

- Well, what? - Do you have the pills?

Is anything true?

- What are you talking about, man? - Just tell me.

Is anything true?

You better stop playing around.

Nostalgia.

These are memories.

Whose memories?

I wanna help.

They're my grandfather's.

He was at the tree.

He said he killed Crawford, but he's a hundred years old.

It's not possible.

So, I covered it up.

I'm sorry.

Sorry for what?

Hands! Hands! Show me your hands.

Do not fucking move.

I had to, Angela.

- What did you fucking do? - Fucking cuff her.

I said, cuff her. Now. Now!

Get the fuck up off me!

Why?