All language subtitles for Ralphie May Filthy Animal Tour (2014).en

**

Yeah!

What's happening,
you filthy animals?

Sit down, God damn it.

We got shit to do.

Can't have you standing around,
like, look at all these white

people, looks like an
anti-Obama rally or some shit,

I don't know.

It's great to be
here in Portland.

I thank you
for having us.

I--

I love coming to a town
where the weather

is always
partly suicidal.

It's awesome.

I love wearing fur.

People go,
that's so crazy,

a big fucking fat
guy wearing fur.

I'm like, yeah.

Top of the food
chain, bitch.

I got thumbs.

I've got thumbs.

Go fuck yourself.

It does, it looks like
I finger banged a sasquatch.

Big feet, tight 'giner.

That's all
I'm saying.

Tight, tight 'giner.

If you can
get it, get it,

that's why they're so
God damn mysterious,

tight 'giners in
this day and age.

Can't find 'em.

Can't find a squeaky
monkey hardly at all.

Am I lying or
am I dying?

Come on, creeps, you know
what I'm talking about.

Fuck yeah,
squeaky 'giner.

Rare.

Have to finger bang a midget to
find something like that, man.

A papercut.

See, some of y'all are
already groaning at me, okay?

You need to
understand, okay?

Me and my friends, we're kinda
like a finger in your ass, okay?

Uncomfortable
at first.

But...

But not so bad,
not so bad.

Just a knuckle,
nothing gay.

Easy, sleazy,
one knuckle deep.

A little how-you-doing.

Trick or treat,
come on with you.

Holler.

We are in Portland, home of
stinky white people, all right?

They are fucking--

Let me give you the downtown
Portland greeting.

Hey, man, can I get $2?
Can I get $2?

Can I get $2?

How about $1.89?

$1.76?

What you got?
What you got?

I can take that.

Dirty ass white people.

Oh, God, it's so
fucking disgusting.

Okay, you don't have--

I can't find a job!

Try pissing on the
outside of your pants.

You know what
I'm saying?

Fucking--

That makes you amazingly
more employable.

You'd be surprised.

When you don't reek of piss and
squish when you walk, uh, you...

That's what those
tight jeans are for.

That's why
they're so tight.

They piss in 'em and it
fucking shrinks 'em up.

What the fuck is
with that, okay?

Tight pants,
skinny jean dudes.

Okay, listen up.

You're not supposed to know
a dude has got camel toe

from the back.

That's all
I'm saying, man.

You know?

It's like, hey,
hey, player, hey.

Hey.

Get some loose pants or
enjoy your yeast infection,

you pick, okay?

Then they do that dumb
shit with their ears?

That big, dumb fucking hoop
shit where they put, like, a--

a coaster in their
fucking dumb ears?

That's the stupidest shit
I've ever seen in my life.

It is so dumb.

It's not like it's
gonna come back.

It's not like an earring
where you take it out

and it just seals up.

You've got loops in
your ears forever, bro.

You can't ride a motorcycle,
you put the helmet on,

your little...

Ears are flapping.

What cracks me up is that it's
only white people that are doing

that shit and Mexicans that
think they're white.

That's it.

And--

But every time I say that after
the show, some white guy with

these dumb fucking hoop earrings
with a Frisbee in his ear comes

up and he's like,

you know, dude, this started in
Africa, it started in Africa.

Yeah.

But you don't see black guys
doing that shit right now,

do you?

Fuck no.

'Cause every black person's been
told by their great grandparents

and their great parents--
parents before them and

their great, great,
great-grandparents before them

that that's how white people
caught black people.

Right, player?

There's some black
guys in the back.

Right, money?
Fuck yeah.

They got y'all on
y'all's jug handle.

You ever had your grandmamma
get you by the fucking ear?

That's what they did, they
got 'em by their jug handle.

You can't go nowhere when you
got somebody in your earlobe

like that.

You're like, oh,
shit, oh, shit!

That's what happened.

Now, I know some
of y'all are shocked

and you're like Ralphie May,
you're telling us that the

reason black people got
caught and put into slavery

is 'cause white people
grabbed them by their

jug handle earlobes.

Yes, that is
what I'm saying.

Okay, that's
my hypothesis.

Yours would be that there
was a bunch of white people

faster than
black people.

Now--

Come on, what--
What, come on?

Which is more believable,
your theory or mine?

Mine.

Mine make a hell of
a lot more sense.

Oh, man.

Stinky, dirty
white people.

Old white people, oh,
enough with them, too.

Enough.

Old white people in Washington,
they fucking hate our president.

I'm old school,
like, look--

I don't maybe not like the man
but God damn it, I love the

office, you know what
I'm saying, I respect the

president, maybe that's
just me, you know?

I wasn't one of these
comedians making fun of

George W. Bush when he
said "nuke-ular."

I don't know,
I didn't invent it.

That might be how
you pronounce it.

I don't know,
I wasn't there.

"Nuke-ular" might be
the shit, that might be it.

What if Albert Einstein had
a speech impediment?

"Nuke-ular."

You don't know.

You weren't there.

I just gave him the
benefit of the doubt.

I didn't like him because
he traded Sammy Sosa,

but that's
just me, you know.

That's how I vote.

Did you ever run a baseball
team and trade Sammy Sosa

for some
bullshit pitchers?

I can't vote for you, son,
you can't have the button.

I'm sorry.

But Barack never
traded anybody.

I like Barack
Obama, I do.

But every time these white
guys in Washington say

"Barack Obama," it's like
the word "nigger" is right

below the surface.

Y'all notice that?

Y'all notice that,
playboy?

You know what I'm talking
about, right, money?

Every time, every time,
they got so much hate,

they can't even hide it.

It's like a nigger shark
swimming right below the

surface, you know
what I'm saying?

It's like--

That Barack Obama,
ooh, he's a...

Woo!

Who wants to give
healthcare to people?

Ahh!

N...

Ahh!

It's like they're all
Yosemite Sam, you know?

They're turning into
Yosemite Sam.

Ooh! I hate that
Barack Obama.

He's the niggerest nig
that ever nigged a nigger.

Racist motherfuckers.

Sick of that shit.

People have a problem with
the black part of him,

'cause he's
half and half.

If he was white, they wouldn't
have no problem with him at all.

I gotta say, that's the part
I got a problem with,

is the white part.

I want that black part to
show up every now and then.

Just, like-- Just a TV,
just come up.

Uh, breaking news.

The president is about
to address the country.

Yo!

What's up?

I want everybody to hear
this shit from me.

So you didn't hear
it on the streets,

you know what
I'm saying?

Ten minutes ago, I called
that cocksucker over in Syria,

who be using chemical weapons
and shit and killing babies?

I don't play that.

I don't play that.

Ain't nobody killing babies
and shit on my watch, son,

you know what
I'm saying?

Chemical weapons
my ass, pussy.

Get in there and
do it yourself.

Can't fucking roach
bomb a fucking country.

I told that--
I say, hey, hey!

Yo, yo!
Motherfucker!

Look out your window!

Bam!

I wanna take his dick and hit
the button with his dick.

Yeah, that was
my dick, son.

Be bombing you later.

What's up?

You dropped
a bomb on me.

I love it, man.

Cracks me up.

People are
uptight, man.

You know, they--
What the fuck?

They want to ban gay marriage
like that's an issue.

Okay, is that
a problem?

Does anybody have any problem
with gays getting married?

If you do, have
you been married?

Have you fucking
been married?

It ain't no God damn
walk in the park,

I'll tell you
that shit for real.

It's a God damn job.

It's hard work, Jack.

Hard work.

You're doing it right,
it ain't easy, okay?

It ain't like it's
fun all the time.

Look, homos,
you wanna get married?

Jump in the boat and start
rolling with the rest of us,

I don't give
a fat baby's dick.

I don't care.

I don't care.

But I am gonna tell you,
all weddings should be gay.

All weddings
should be gay.

All weddings should
be gay.

I went to a straight
wedding this year, okay?

It was a friend of
my wife's, okay?

And-- That's right,
I'm married.

Sorry, bitches, pack up your
pussy and hit the bricks.

That's right.

Sorry, girls, none of this
sweet dick for you, baby.

No.

No sweet dick for you.

Okay, just the tip, but
that's just a little bit.

Um...

I went to a straight wedding,
she was a friend of my wife's

that she hadn't seen
in 20 years, okay?

And then she's acting
like they're all friends.

Oh, my God, girl, you remember
when we gave handjobs to those

two lacrosse guys?

And I'm like,
what the fuck?

What the fuck is this
handjob lacrosse shit?

What the--

Oh, nothing,
it was crazy.

I don't even
remember doing it.

Only saving grace is I've had
her handjobs for, like,

15 years, I know how shitty
they are, so I was like...

That guy probably got
a broke dick, ha ha, ha ha.

She was worse then.

So...

We went to this
wedding, okay, and...

Oh, my God.

It was so horrible.

This fat bitch took forever
to walk down the aisle.

You didn't even recognize
the wedding march.

Walk, fat
bitch, walk!

Get your big ass
up there.

Maybe if you didn't have
a 300-pound dress on,

you'd walk a little
faster, God damn it.

She gets up
there and she--

They light at candle.

Some other fat bitch gets up and
sing, they light another candle,

the guy does some poetry,
which is never a good idea.

Like every night has its dawn,
every rose has its thorn.

And I'm like,
is that Poison?

Is that motherfucker
doing Poison?

Bret Michaels, Poison!

Ahh!

So funny.

Oh, my God.

Hilarious, I cracked
up at that shit.

I was like, well, this sucked,
but the wedding reception's

got to be
better, right?

It's got to be better.

It wasn't.

Cash bar.

Fuck you, man.

If you've got a cash bar,
you're an asshole.

Just have the wedding
at your mama's house,

get a couple
of keggers, man,

get that barbecue out, fuck
catering, make Lipton burgers,

I don't give a shit, but
don't have a cash bar, man.

You're just a dick.

Right?

Fuck yeah.

Cash bar my ass.

And then the food was shit.

It was--

Fucking shit chicken and green
beans, not even mashed potatoes,

and I'm a fat guy and
I flipped the fuck out.

You don't know, I flipped
the fuck out, Jack.

I was like, mashed--

Where's some fucking
mashed potatoes?

Shit chicken and green beans
with no mashed potatoes?

You fat bitch, I bet you
got mashed potatoes!

You had the God damn nerve to
register at William Sonoma,

I bought you a $600
vitamix God damn blender

and your fat ass ain't
never made a fucking smoothie

in your life.

You fat bitch!

That's when my wife
made me leave, man,

my wife made me leave.

Oh, God.

We went to a gay wedding,
though, two weeks later, okay?

Fucking awesome.

That's all I can say.

It was fucking awesome,
all right?

Every wedding
should be gay.

This was one
so much fun.

The worst part about it is
when you first get there,

you're like...

Where do we sit?

Where do we
fucking sit?

Technically, they're
both the groom.

All right, I got it.

We'll sit on the aisle, and
if we're on the wrong side,

we'll just yell
"Red Rover, Red Rover,

send some of y'alls
faggots over."

It was awesome.

During the ceremony, they had
some entertainment.

They had a six-foot-four black
male transvestite singing Cher.

It was fucking great.

"If I could turn
back time..."

"Oh if I could
turn back time..."

I guess he really
got into it.

He popped a boner and
lost his duct tape

and so half his
cock came out.

Had to re-duct tape
his dick back down.

I guess that's bad form
in the transvestite world.

Have your dick pop out
during a Cher ceremony

or something.

It was great.

The vows were quick.

The vows were
quick, Jack.

Do you agree to be
a top and a bottom?

Yes, yes.

Done.

We're out.

The reception was
fucking epic, man.

And not epic in the fagster
way they say it, you know,

the hipster--

The hipster
little shit.

"It's gonna be epic."

Go fuck yourself.

It's a poetry reading
in a coffee house,

it's not
gonna be epic.

But what happened...

They had-- Okay.

Okay, open bar,
fuck yes.

Open bar.

You're God damn right.

'Cause trust me, people
are fucking drinking

at a gay wedding.

I saw a guy get a big pint
glass, like, for beer,

and told him to--

told the bartender to fill
it up with vodka and limes,

that's it.

That was all that
was in that.

He drank three of 'em in eight
minutes in front of me.

Almost a whole
bottle of Belvedere.

Said five words to me
the whole time.

Yep.

That's my son.

I'm trying to bond with
him even though I like--

I like the guys
who are gay.

I'm like, yeah, wanted
a football player,

got a cheerleader,
huh, man?

That's how it goes.

That's how it
goes, man.

You roll the dice.

Roll the dice.

I blame the God damn mama
letting him run around in her

fucking high heel shoes and
shit, that's what happened.

Just angry.

So funny.

Oh, God damn it.

They had a whole
buffet, okay?

It was fantastic food.

They had a shrimp tower,
they had an ice sculpture

of a dude with
a massive cock

and people could get shots
of vodka right off his cock.

It was great.

But on the--

On the dance floor, DJ, man,
you're good, B, you're really

good, but this DJ was off
the fucking charts, man.

Gay DJ

First of all, all of his
clothes lit up in glitter, okay?

All his shit lit up in glitter
and then he had lasers

and smoke and shit.

You ain't got
no lasers, okay?

This shit would be on
HBO if we got lasers.

Am I lying or am
I dying, right?

If we had
fucking lasers?

Fuck yeah.

Get us some lasers.

He had four--

Okay, there was four huge
pedestals on each corner

of the dance floor
and up there was a--

Each one had a Puerto-Rican
male exotic dancer, okay?

All right, just super skinny,
tanned, oiled up, wearing

a sequined G-string,
shaking his cock and balls

and wearing angel
wings, just...

And one was right
there by the shrimp tower.

And I wanted some fucking
shrimp, but I didn't want

a dick on my head,
you know what I mean?

I didn't want to get teabagged,
okay, at 7:30 at this gay

wedding and think, like,
oh, that's cool, okay?

'Cause I mean--

If you start off with a dick
on your head, I mean, what's

further down the line,
you know what I mean?

So sent my wife
over there.

All right, get
'em, but duck, okay?

If he swing that
dick, duck.

You're shorter than me,
give me some shrimp.

Every now and then,
those gay angels would fly.

I didn't know they were wired
and they would fly from

pedestal to pedestal,

just sprinkling fairy dust
over everybody, just...

Fairy dust,
hee hee hee.

Sorry.

That's a twofer
joke right there.

If you get it,
you get it.

There was three pills on our
plate, three pills, okay?

And everybody had 'em.

And that's when one of the gay
angels took the microphone.

He was like, okay,
party people!

Let's do this
shit, okay

All right,
party people!

I can't fucking
hear you!

That's right,
motherfuckers!

We're gonna do
this shit.

We're all about to
go down to wonderland.

We're gonna fall down
the rabbit hole.

Everybody's got pills
on their plate, okay?

And one is gonna make you small
and one's gonna make you tall

and then there's
a Goldilocks pill, baby,

that's just right.

Yeah.

We're gonna do
this shit.

My nipples are
so fucking hard.

We're gonna do this shit, my
nipples are so fucking hard.

Oh, my God.

Okay, party people.

All right,
party people?

Are you ready to do
this, party people?

I can't hear you,
party people!

Fuck yes!

On three!

One, two, three!

And he did
the pills, right?

And my wife looks at me,
she's like, should we--

should we do
these pills?

I'm like, fuck yes,
we should!

Are you shitting me?
These are gay drugs.

These are the best drugs
they fucking make, man.

Took those gay drugs.

There wasn't nobody
sitting beside me here,

I took their gay drugs.

Fuck it.

You gonna dance with the devil,
you might as well lead,

you know what
I'm saying?

God damn right, man.

I--

30 minutes later,
I had my shirt off.

I was fucking dancing,
poured water over myself,

redoing "Footloose."

I'm a maniac...

Holding my balls,
listening to Ke$ha.

It was a fucking
party, man.

That's why all
weddings should be gay.

It's a party.

We all got somebody gay
in our family, okay?

I don't know why they
have problems with gay folks.

If you don't have nobody
gay in your family,

you might have two
or three, okay?

Trust me.

Trust me, okay?

If it ain't one, it's
two or three, all right?

For me, it's
my Aunt Sandra.

My Aunt Sandra been
lesbian since jump, okay?

And growing up, my--

My mama and
my grandmamma,

in the early '80s,
late '70s, they--

That's where I was living, in
my grandmamma's house, but they

didn't know that my Aunt Sandra
was a lesbian, even though

she brought her "roommate"
to Thanksgiving like 19 years

in a row.

I mean, come on,
get with it, right?

I knew she was
a lesbian at six.

We was outside playing football
and she about broke my God

damn hand.

Pow! Oh, shit!

I don't wanna
play no more.

Aunt Sandra got some pepper
on that ball, that hurts.

Oh, fuck!

Lesbians got strong hands from
years of finger banging, okay?

Don't believe that.

That's from years of
good fingerblasting.

Bitches got
strong hands.

You also need to know, I've
been mean my whole life, okay?

I've been mean
my whole life.

I'm dirty, I'm
irreverent, I'm honest.

I'm-- I'm kind of
a dick sometimes.

I'm a wiseass.

I don't have
any tact.

I've been mean
my whole life.

I'm not my mama's
favorite child.

I'm not.

I wasn't liked in school by the
teachers, they hated my guts.

They tested me to see
if I was a retard.

Swear to God,
at 15, what the fuck?

At 15, you're gonna test me,
see if I'm a 'tard?

I've been at this school for ten
God damn years and you're just

now getting around to finding
out if I'm a retard or not?

You bunch of assholes.

And you bunch of assholes
are like, well,

what'd they
find out, Ralphie?

What'd they find out?

Dicks.

Hey, if I'm a retard,
you paid a shitload of money

to see a retard, okay?

Fuck off.

So funny.

So this happened the
Thanksgiving after--

of 1980, okay?

It was the Sunday after
Thanksgiving, okay?

And I'm wearing my
long Johns, okay,

I'm watching the new TV
up on top of the old TV.

And I'm eating some good-ass
leftover peach cobbler, okay?

Out of a Cool Whip bowl stained
with chili or spaghetti sauce.

Yeah, baby, yeah.

And I hear my mama
say to my grandmamma,

"I don't know why Sandra
can't find a good man."

And I'm like, 'cause she
likes eating pussy meat,

mama, that's why.

Yeah, that wise ass
remark got me ten minutes

with yellow
Dial soap in my mouth.

Ain't nothing worse
than yellow Dial.

Yellow Dial is the nastiest God
damn soap they ever created.

Yellow Dial soap,
oh, Lord.

I'd rather have 20 minutes
with Dove than ten minutes

with yellow Dial.

Oh, shit.

And my wiseass mouth got me
another five minutes added on

to it, I'm like, mama, why
y'all putting soap in my mouth,

it's Aunt Sandra that's
eating all that pussy meat,

y'all put something
in her mouth.

There's another
five minutes.

You can imagine how
traumatizing it was.

That was
the family soap.

It wasn't like a new bar,
you know what I'm saying?

So it's like all my family
in my mouth, just nasty.

My brother jerking off, my mama
and her old titties and shit,

my grandmamma's ass
up in my mouth.

Woo! Woo!

Thank God it didn't get the
dirt and filth out of my mouth

forever, I wouldn't have
a God damned career.

That's my part of
the show, folks.

Are you ready to
do this shit?

Ladies and gentlemen, I brought
together a collection of my

favorite dirty fucking comedians
from around the country.

'Cause we're bringing
back the filth.

Everybody's
gone clean.

Fuck yourself,
Seinfeld.

Go fuck yourself.

Your clean jokes.

We ain't clean.

We don't want clean.

We want the filth.

We want to
bring the heat.

I got a little something
for everybody.

If you're familiar with my
comedy, you know that one of

my best good friends
is my pal Billy Wayne.

He was there when I was
smoking weed with Jesus.

He was there when I did
lots of drugs and shit.

We filmed it together,
I helped him get a big girl

one time, okay?

It was his first time he
ever fucked a big girl,

changed his life.

Changed his life,
I told him.

Man, a big girl will suck
you dick and make a sandwich

at the same time.

That'll change your
life, God damn it,

that'll change
your life.

All the way from
Crossville, Tennessee,

home of Dicky
Justice Motors,

give it up for my pal,
Mr. Billy Wayne Davis!

- Guys, keep it going for
Ralphie May one more time.

Keep it going for that
vest one more time.

Did you guys
see that vest?

That was the genocide
of a species.

He ordered a jacket,
but they ran out of stuff.

I like Portland.

I like your motto.

"Keep Portland weird."

Seems redundant.

It's like the post
office advertising.

It's like,
yeah, we know.

I quit drinking about
seven months ago.

Oh, you guys
knew me before?

You should applaud.

Good.

I used to drink so much,
I thought it'd be pretty handy

to put a bottle opener
on my keychain.

That's not
handy at all.

'Cause every time you really
need it, you have to pull

the car over,
take the keys out...

That's how
I got caught.

It is.

He didn't even ask me for
my license and registration,

I just rolled down the window,
he was like, Jesus Christ!

Would you like to step out
and do a field sobriety test?

I was like, no, I would
not like to do that.

That's not on the list
of shit I like to do.

I know where
we're going, yeah.

I just want a buzz
when we get there.

Jail.

We're in the booking
process, I get that question

I've been dreading.

He's like, what's your
occupation, Mr. Davis?

I was like,
God damn it.

I'm a standup comedian.

He immediately
covered his nametag.

This other state patrolman
walked by and he said,

did you say you
were a comedian?

I was like, yes, sir.

He was like, oh, shit,
dude, show him your name.

I've been waiting on this
motherfucking day.

I'm not making this up, this
is a matter of public record.

The Washington state patrolman
that arrested me, a standup

comedian, moved his hand to
reveal his last name was Bacon.

That's destiny,
you guys.

I believe in fate now.

You still have to
go to jail, though.

There's no weird clause where,
like, isn't that funny?

Get the fuck
out of here.

You have to check
in jail, too.

I was married at the time,
the lady was like,

would you like for
us to call your wife?

I was like,
that's cool.

That reminds me, how
long can I stay here?

Will you guys
keep me safe?

I'll join a gang,
I don't give a shit.

Then you have to take off all
your drunk clothes and they

give you sober clothes.

I mean everything.

I'm standing there naked
in front of a new dude

I just met
in a uniform.

He's getting impatient.

He's like,
let's go, hurry up.

I was like, no.

You can give me
a minute.

Up here, up here,
you're a professional.

What are you gonna do?
Take me to jail?

He did.

The next morning, you have to
wake up and go directly to court

in your sober clothes then they
put shackles on your feet to

remind you of all the good
decisions you've been making.

I learned through the shackle
process I have giant man ankles,

'cause deputy mouth-breather
that was putting 'em on kept

going, God damn, man,
you got big old man ankles.

I can't fit these sumbitches
around, I gotta--

Derr...

Derr...

Derr...

I'm like, it's bleeding,
that means it's on.

And then they chain you to
two dudes that were much more

serious about being
a criminal than I was.

The dude I was chained to
directly got arrested

for armed robbery.

He stabbed a dude
and took $7.

The dude he was chained to
got arrested for breaking

his parole for
a homicide conviction

by shooting another dude in the
face, and I was the caboose.

I was the bar car
on that train.

As we were walking in to the
courtroom, my shackles fell off.

You guys know what happens
in a courtroom when your

shackles fall off?

Everyone that has a gun
puts their hand on it.

Then you pee
a little bit.

Not a lot,
just a little.

Like...

If you're me, you
start talking for no

God damn reason
whatsoever.

I was like, no, no, no,
no-- I'm drinky-drinky.

That's stabby, that's shooty,
I ain't going anywhere.

You took my car.

I'm pretty sure my
ankles are broken.

Why don't you put your bullet
back in your pocket, Barney?

I'm here to stay-- You
know what, mouth

I got it this time,
I'll just--

just take care of this.

Been traveling
a bunch.

Recently got to go
to Wichita, Kansas.

Yeah, 'cause my career
is taking the fuck off.

Look at it go.

Why is it stopping
in Kansas?

I don't know if you're--
I didn't know this.

Evidently, Wichita, Kansas
is where dumb goes to breed.

I'm serious.

You hit the city limits, there
are dumb people behind a fence,

just going, like, yeah,
let's make some of us!

Yeah!

Derr!

Derr! Derr!

I like it when their
eyes are far apart.

Derr!

Be fruitful,
go multiply.

They sell knives at
the airport in Wichita.

I'll say that again
a different way.

I don't think everyone
understood what I just said.

They sell knives at
the place you can't have

motherfucking knives.

Then it hit me.

That's a brilliant
business plan in Wichita.

'Cause they get the dumb
people walking in every day,

like, fuck,
I do need a knife.

Here you go.

Then they get to
security, like, fuck!

Here you go.

They got me
again, Darlene.

Every god damn
time we come here.

Where's my shoes?

Then the knife guy goes to the
security guy at the end of the

day, he's like, give me
those knives back.

I only bought
six of them.

I keep reselling them.

I'm making a God
damn fortune here.

It's pretty easy.

You pick the ones,
their eyes far apart?

Bam, fish in a barrel
right there.

Just don't stand right in front
of 'em, they can't see you,

they can't--

You startle them, they'll breed
you, you don't want that.

I got a brand-new car
I've been driving around.

I got a 2008 Scion XB.

Thank you, one person,
that's never fucking happened.

That's weird.

It's usually some douchebag in
the back, like, you're gay!

Which is weird, 'cause when I
was test-driving that car and

the dealer asked
"How do you feel?"

I was like, I feel like
I want to suck a dick.

I never felt
this way before.

I think this car
makes me gay.

35 a gallon?
Fuck it, I'll take it.

A guy I travel with a lot,
he weighs like 400 pounds.

Wears a fur vest.

Getting him in that car is kind
of like putting biscuits back

in the can.

Everywhere I push,
something else comes out,

dude, I don't know.

Some people get mad about that
joke, like, that's fucked up!

He's your friend!

I'm like,
he fucking wrote it.

He did.

First time he got in the car,
he's like, God damn, man,

it's like putting biscuits
back in the can.

I was like, thank you
very much, motherfucker.

I'm Billy Wayne Davis,
you guys are fantastic, man,

thank you guys so much.

- Hey, guys, we're back here at
the Ralphie May Filthy Animals

show taping right now

with some of the black folks
I was talking about just

to prove that there are
black people here in Portland.

Fuck, yeah.

Fuck, yeah.

But this soft brother's
wearing a sweater.

Hello, Huxtable.

Okay, all right.

No, no, I just wanted
y'all to show--

I love when stereotypes just
fucking happen, like, y'all

wouldn't have been in the
back of the room if y'all

had gotten here on time.

I know, I know, you were
late because you had

to leave
tip money, okay?

Ahh! Come on!

Stop.

It must have been 'cause you was
getting pretty or something like

that or you had to change
sweaters 'cause the Coogi

sweater wasn't working
no more, all right.

No? All right.

Well, I love you guys, you can't
do nothing about it, baby.

I'm so happy you're here.

And man--

Baby girl, you like--

You like funny women?

You like, fucking
wanna hear--

You wanna
hear some women?

God damn right,
I do, too.

You guys want to hear one of
the funniest women in America?

You're God damn
right you do.

Just to prove I don't have the
best tits on the stage tonight,

give it up, ladies
and gentlemen,

for Miss
Danielle Stewart!

- Oh, my God, you guys.

I'm so sorry, I had to take my
boyfriend's car here tonight.

What is up, Portland?

I am so excited
to be here.

This is one of the best
drinking cities in the country.

Yeah!

Unfortunately,
I can't drink anymore.

I actually found out that
I'm allergic to alcohol.

Every time I drink, my throat
closes up around a penis, so.

I'm not married.

I'm afraid of getting
married, that's the truth.

I'm-- I have so much respect
for people who are married,

God bless you,
I am terrified.

I am so afraid that if I get
married, I'm not gonna be able

to, like, have sex with other
people, you know what I mean?

And it's interesting to me
'cause I never wanted to

get married, even when
I was a little girl,

you know, my other friends would
play with dolls and be like, oh,

they'd tell me all
about their wedding.

It's gonna be
pink and purple.

I'm gonna marry
Kevin Bacon, you know.

And I was like-- I was
way into Barbie dolls.

I loved Barbie, 'cause I
thought Barbie knew what was up,

you know? She wasn't
married with children.

She was single,
she had a hot boyfriend,

a house in Malibu
and a bald pussy.

I mean, that's
fucking--

That's what
I want in life.

Even her boyfriend Ken
had a bald pussy,

which was weird,
I'll give you that.

That was weird.

Ken and Barbie--

Ken and Barbie had
Brazilian waxes.

And good ones, too, not
a follicle in sight.

And for those of you who
don't know, by the way,

what a Brazilian
wax is,

it's when a woman pays, like, I
don't know, $50 to have an Asian

lady accost her with a hot
popsicle stick dripping

in molten lava.

I don't know how many ladies
have gotten the Brazilian,

but it's quite
an experience.

I was really nervous the first
time, you know, 'cause I had

never had my genitals
mutilated before.

I'll tell
you something.

Like, the place that does
it calls itself a spa?

Like, you're supposed to
come in, relax, it's a spa.

It is not
a fucking spa, okay?

It is a turn 'em and
burn 'em business.

And I don't know
what's going on,

but they are
pissed in there.

Like, I went in and I was like,
hi, I have an appointment.

She's like, go to door four,
take off your pants.

Like, Jesus, this is like
high school all over again.

It's horrible.

And I go into this, like, tiny
procedure room where they do it,

it's like a doctor's office,
kind of, like, and I--

I'm wearing, like,
a button down shirt

and a vest and then
just a vagina, like.

And they have a full-length
mirror there so you can look at

the whole thing, you know,
like, I can see this circus.

I'm like, there's nothing
grosser, by the way,

than a vagina
and a vest.

I'm like, I look
like Donald Duck.

This is awful.

And I'm feeling very self
conscious, I don't know what

to do, I don't know how I'm
supposed to act when she comes

in there, you know what I mean,
like a pro, like I'm just like,

"Wassap!" You know
what I mean?

Or, like, being, like, all
demure, like, I never do this.

Like, I just--

And I'm, like, spinning in
my head about it and all of

a sudden, this four-foot-eleven
Korean woman like fucking busts

in the door like she waxed
a thousand pussies that day.

And she had no time
for my nervous bullshit.

She was like-- She didn't
ask my name or how I was,

she just had, like, pubic
hairs dripping from her brow

and crazy eyes.

She just started
yelling at me.

She's like, get up on
the table, spread your legs!

I was like,
Jesus Christ.

Like, I'm terrified.

Like, there is nothing more
vulnerable than being in a tiny

room with an angry Asian woman
and no pants on or rape whistle.

Like, I'm like,
I am in this.

Like, the train has
left the station.

Like, whatever is happening,
I'm working out in therapy.

I'm here.

I laid out on the table, she
slaps this burning hot wax

on me, rips if off and as
I am dying on the inside,

she fucking shows
me the strip.

Like she was gonna read my
pubic fortune or something.

Instead, she mocked me.

She goes...

Oh...

This is what
your boyfriend see.

Like, that's so
fucked up.

I don't have
a boyfriend.

This is...

I was, like,
traumatized.

I'm like, what part of this
procedure was invented

by a Brazilian?

Like, is there some Brazilian
female prisoner of war?

Who after months and months of
being tortured by way of hot wax

to the labia is one day,
like, holy crap.

This is actually lasting me
like three fucking weeks.

I mean, what
the fuck?

So I get off the table to leave,
'cause I think it's over, right?

I'm like, getting up
the table to leave, she goes,

"No, no, no, turn over,
we do your butt."

Oh, I'm sorry.

It sounded like you
said "We do your butt."

She's like
"We do your butt!"

I was like,
listen, Yoko, okay?

There seems to be some sort
of a miscommunication here.

See, I'm a woman, okay?

I don't have hair
in my butt.

My nipples, maybe, but
not my fucking butt.

That's disgusting.

But...

Before I could get
out of there, she was,

like, all up
in my business.

She, like, slapped that
wax on me, ripped it off,

showed it to me...

It was like
a small furry animal.

It was like--

It was like anal
road kill, like...

I was so confused.

Like, all of a sudden, my
maternal instincts kicked in.

Like, I didn't know whether to
vomit or fucking adopt it,

you know what I mean?

'Cause, like, I walked around
most of my life thinking,

like, I'm kind
of a sexy lady.

Turned out,
I had a tail.

I'm Danielle Stewart,
you guys have been amazing,

thank you so much!

- Come on!

What did I tell
you, baby?

Did I tell you?

She's hilarious.

Her last Brazilian wax
is where I got my jacket.

It is soft, I ain't
mad at it, it's soft.

Man.

God damn,
she's so funny.

Man, fellas, how
hot was that?

Come on.

Yeah, no shit.

Usually, you think chick comic,
you think me with a wig on.

You know what I mean?
You're welcome, gentlemen.

Her pants were as blue as my
balls, trust me on that,

I'm married.

I'm married.

I want to tell you about
this next comic coming up.

He's gonna rock
the mic for you.

I've known him literally
for 15 years.

And he's a dear,
dear friend of mine,

one of the funniest
motherfuckers

and I don't know why TV hasn't
picked him up to put him

on a sitcom or in movies,
I'm telling you,

this guy is
on the cusp.

Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for my friend

and soon to be yours,
Mr. Chuck Roy!

Hello, Portland,
Oregon, how are you?

You sound beautiful,
some of you look--

I'm gonna
high-five you, sir.

You look
terrified as hell.

And then the
little girl.

Let me high-five,
you, too.

You look like a bear
just walked out here.

You got real nervous,
like, is he gonna--

I wanna high-five
you for just one--

I want to high-five the
one fucking black guy.

Oh, not you, dude,
ugh.

This is the one black guy in
Portland, good to see you,

my friend--
Fucking-A.

They had to fly you in, right?
Come on, I'm not wrong.

This is the
whitest city ever.

Four people clapping and
the rest of you are going,

like, is he
talking about us?

Yeah.

I'm in a silly mood,
I hope you are too.

I'll tell you how
my day started.

I live in Denver, Colorado and
every day when I gotta fly and

go do a gig like this, I like to
hit my favorite little spot.

There's a little creek called
the Cherry Creek, runs about

a mile from my house

and I like to wake up early and
this morning, I woke up and when

I got to the creek,
all right, I just--

Checking on the water and then
I look down and I see a duck

and then a duck
and then a goose.

Yeah.

So I ran.

I didn't know
what else to do.

I didn't know what
else to do.

Ever since I've been this
tall, that is the rule.

When you see a duck followed
by a duck and then a goose,

it is go time.

There was a bike path and I was
hauling up it and a lady coming

at me, I tried to warn
her, I'm like, lady,

you can't go that way.

There's a duck and
a duck and a goose.

She wanted nothing
to do with my warning.

Yeah.

All day, like, the
whole plane flight here,

I've been like, what
the fuck with that lady?

Right? Like, I just
tried to warn her.

That's all, you know--
And then I figured it out.

She's coming the other way, so
what she saw was goose, duck,

duck.

And that ain't shit.

That ain't shit.

She had every right
to look at me like

I was a weird
fucking bear.

I should take back all
things I've thought at her.

Soon.

One day, I might,
I'm gonna consider that.

It's fun to be here in
Portland, Oregon.

A very fun year
for this bear.

I've done a lot of this,
traveling and joke-telling.

They call that tour and I'll
tell you how that works.

Every year, before I go
to bed for hibernation,

which is right--

Yeah, right after Christmas
and well before New Year's,

I call some friends and I say,
hey, when I wake up this March,

I'm gonna need
some gigs.

And this year, all the gigs
have been in the south.

Yeah.

Augusta, Georgia and Savannah,
Georgia and for a while I've

been like, what the
fuck did I do wrong?

Like, did I fuck up?
What happened?

Why are all the gigs
in the south?

Savannah, Georgia was beautiful
and I think my friends bring me

to places like that 'cause I do
things like google, like, where

are we gonna have lunch
in Savannah, Georgia?

And if you do that, one quick
google will yield a restaurants

named Lady and Sons.

Yeah, terrific
restaurant,

owned by a woman
named Paula Deen, who--

Yeah, googles rather
differently today

than she did at
the start of the year.

I guess she's a bit
of a racist is--

That's--

Which, I guess I should have
known, like, after having had

food at her restaurant,
there were some signs.

The tablecloths and napkins
all had eyeholes cut in them.

The salt and pepper was on
separate tables and I thought,

that could be
a mistake, right?

That could be a mistake,
that could be something--

You ever, like, set up at
work and do it wrong, right?

But there was an auction
for our waiter, and--

Right? Who pays for
the meal at the start?

I'm sorry.

Again, Portland, Oregon,
you're very cute and I love

how offended you're
getting, but possibly--

Get some black friends and then
I'll believe you on that.

All the whitest people in
the world going like, whoa!

Are we allowed to
talk about this?

I am, I don't know what
your world is like.

I don't--

Is your human
resources officer here?

I don't know.

That is not my world.

I am my human resources officer
and I said I can talk about

Paula Deen being a bit
of a racist, okay?

I'd probably go back to her
restaurant and eat again.

I actually would.

I have black friends
who want to go with me.

It is an
all-you-can-eat buffet

where everything
is made in butter.

Yes.

That is God damn delicious,
the first item in the buffet

was butter
wrapped in bacon

and simmered in
a butter cream sauce.

Like, if you dipped that into
hot butter, oh, my God,

that was so delicious!

There was butter
in the salad bar.

That's how much butter
was in the restaurant.

Like, right next to the
croutons, I was making my salad

and then there were little pats
of butter, and I was like,

that is fucking
going on my salad.

Ah.

Butter on a salad
is delicious.

Like, there's a moment where you
gotta decide, like, am I gonna

spit out this wrapper
or am I gonna swallow?

Right? Those napkins let
anything go through.

So I swallowed.

Yeah, which is
weird for this bear.

'Cause, like, it was noon
and I hadn't had whiskey.

Right? Thanks for
one-clapping that one.

Obviously, that's how
hard I work to just get

one applause once.

No-- Uh-uh.

No, no.

I am no pander bear.

You just react the way
you damn well want to.

Fucking-A, Portland, I ain't
trying to impress you that much.

All right? Get over
yourselves, it's--

In the end, this is still
Portland and I'll be leaving.

I'm sorry,
too true?

Could you turn down the truth
in this mic? I'm sorry.

The sound is terrific, but
I'm telling Portland the truth.

Right after Savannah, we went
to Jacksonville, Florida,

very fun and I'm saying
that to be polite.

Right, right? Like, we
all know Florida, right?

That's the dick
of our country.

Hangs right off there,
there's Georgia.

There's Florida, Castro and
Fidel, the Cubans are right

down here, sometimes we hang a
little flaccid on them, right?

Like, hello, Fidel.

Fuck you,
Castro, right?

Fuck them, they're
communists.

Right, but on our map,
Jacksonville is up here

where the pubic hair
meets the shaft.

But it smells
like the balls.

Yeah, oh...

But good fishing.

Yeah, I love to do that, I love
to go fishing and joke-telling,

like Friday night joke-telling,
Saturday morning, wake up,

do some fishing, and in
Jacksonville, terrific fishing.

I have a friend there with
a home right where the ocean

meets the river.

Caught two sharks.

No big deal, one was like
a one-foot sand shark,

the other was
a claims attorney.

Good fella,
loves my waiter.

See, there you
coming around.

Now we're somewhere.

Now we're somewhere.

We're gonna get
there, Portland!

Fun fishing.

And like I said,
a beautiful dock,

right where the ocean meets
the river, you gotta cross

a half-mile of marsh.

That's a fancy home, you
know, the big old dock and

a homeowner's
association, with rules,

like, if you're gonna fish
off of one of their docks,

you gotta use a pole.

Yeah, that jacked this
bear up, you know?

I'm pretty used to
just swatting the fish

out of the river
with my paw.

I'm like, Bear, you
gotta use a pole, yeah.

So a young fella helped us
out with baiting our hook.

We were using shrimp for bait
and I had never done that before

and so this young fellas just
snapped the shrimp in half

and then he goes, Bear.

Top or bottom?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, top.

And right away, he goes,
bear, top gets the head.

Yeah!

Yeah, I was like, that has
been the rule ever since.

I've been a top.

Are you stuck?

Those are some of the gayest
fishing jokes anybody has

written this year.

How the fuck are you
not laughing at that?

Rich enough to be in the
balcony but not smart enough

to get a fucking joke.

That's adorable.

Get a pole, get a pole
and catch my jokes.

I'll say hello to the other
poor people in that balcony.

All right, well,
try to afford better seats.

Okay.

I like fishing
and joke-telling.

We played Charlotte,
North Carolina.

They're real rich
there, did you know that?

They're
investment bankers.

There's a beautiful
lake named Lake Norman.

If you've ever heard of it,
it's 'cause Michael Jordan

owns a home there.

We fished right off of his dock
and caught nothing but a glimpse

at a lifestyle.

They are real rich.

It is, investment bankers
living right next to people

like Michael Jordan
on the lake.

And then there's investment
bankers and then NASCAR drivers.

Yeah, it's people living in an
English Tudor next to people

who need
an English tutor.

That is a tremendous
juxtaposition of souls.

Fun to be home--

I'll be home soon.

This is the last night
of a bit of a tour.

I'll get home and then
Tuesday is date night.

I think that's cute.

A lot of you seem to be
on date night tonight,

I see some of you coupled
up and holding hands

and comedy shows make
for a good date night.

Me, I work a separate
schedule than the person

I'm in
a relationship with,

and if any of you, that's
your life if you know--

You know how important date
night is then, like,

if you work
separate schedules,

you gotta plan, you gotta be
like, Tuesday, don't plan shit.

It is date night.

We are going out.

The only good date night I've
been able to plan this year is

I went to see that movie "Les
Miserables" with my boyfriend.

Yeah, turns out, that's the only
way you can say that sentence.

Did you get that one?

That kinda bear.

I try to keep things
romantic, you know.

Before I left for this road trip
and before I leave for every

road trip, I leave my boyfriend
the only kind of flowers

you can give a man.

Hops and barley.

Yeah, I'm not
wrong, right?

Ladies, do you
hear that?

That's joy coming from the
people you're with,

the men in your life.

They actually
can reach joy.

You bring home whiskey, they
might be happy with you.

Try bringing home those kinda
flowers, whiskey or beer or--

Bring home some weed,
ladies, do that.

Yeah.

Maybe life with you wouldn't
be so fucking miserable.

Oh! I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,

I shouldn't--

That truth,
it sounded perfect.

I dig my boyfriend,
he does well.

He'll pay for date
night on Tuesday.

It's his idea,
he made reservations.

It's 'cause he's got his first
real job, paying his first real

salary, you know, and now he's
paying his first real taxes

and now I know
another gay Republican.

Aw, come on.

Shut up, Portland.

Are you all upset about
the gay Republicans?

Are they--

Are we fucking with your
political agenda, Portland?

All 26 of us?

Is our vote really
jacking up your politics?

I'll call them off,
I'll call them off.

I'm on
the phone list.

Two of them work off,
fuckin' Morse code.

I will--

Hey, guys.

Portland's really jacked up,
they're mad about all 26 of us

ruining their
fucking day.

Fucking liberals, man,
that's just how you are.

You're all like,
open-minded,

until someone thinks
differently than you.

So I happened
to be off last

night and it's
a Saturday night.

We--

My boyfriend and I took
in my favorite show.

It comes-- It's not on TV, it's
not on the Internet or anything.

It's just live there in Denver,
right there on Tenth Street,

we got a little
show called

"Saturday Night
Meathead Fights."

Some of you know what
I'm talking about.

It goes on in almost any
city in the world,

right near where they got
nightclubs, right, ladies?

We all know what
nightclubs are, right?

They play that dance music and a
lot of ladies love dance music.

In fact, it makes
your pussy wet, right?

And it's known many men love
pussies when they're wet.

And so a lot of guys
will pay for anything.

Like, they will buy all the
drinks they possibly can

and they will go to those
nightclubs, like, you know,

they just put up a DJ
Fuck-knocker on the ones

and twos and charge
a lot of money for vodka

and energy drinks.

And they, you know, the
fellas go there all night

and they try to--

They meet you girls, they
buy you drinks, and girls,

what's that trick
you do, right?

Right before last
call, you're like,

"We should go before we
have to fuck anybody!"

Right?

And then you're like,
fuck it, we're outta here!

Yeah, that's
a fun move.

Smart, real clever.

It just leaves the guys
like a little fucking, like,

what the fuck
happened?

I was gonna get laid!

And the fellas, they
leave the nightclubs,

like, well
after you do.

They're jacked up on vodka and
energy drinks, they did drugs

and they got
no pussy to fuck.

So that's when they get
into fights with each other.

This last Saturday was possibly
the best meathead fight

I've ever heard
in my life.

It was Chad
versus Chad.

Oh, God, Chad was so
mad at Chad, that's--

It just--

I had my window open and all
the sudden, out on the street,

we heard, "Are you
calling me a liar?

I love you like a brother and
you're calling me a liar?"

And to
the window I go.

'Cause that is
a meathead audio goal.

And there on the street
lit by a streetlamp

is a Francis
Ford Coppola.

He's shooting a film
adaptation of an

S.E. Hinton
novel called

"Saturday Night
Meathead Fights."

It's Chad and he is
very mad at Chad.

The only way you can tell
the difference is one had

a little fauxhawk.

And that was the one
who was screaming.

Five times he yelled at his
buddy, five times, he's like,

"If I'm lying to you,
then you can suck my dick!"

Five times.

That is a lot to yell.

You yell that the second time
if you think no one heard you.

But when you yell it the fifth
time, I think you're saying,

like, you can
suck my dick...

I...

That's where men are at
in this country now.

The fellas, they go to
the gym, they work out,

they have all
those muscles

and nobody's sucking
anybody's dick.

Which, I don't know if you've
been to a fraternity party,

but those guys will
blow anybody, right?

They all have
that hair gel.

I play my
favorite game.

Just, who's
my porcupine?

Who's my porcupine?

Oh, you are, Chad!

And now
you're not mad.

Do you like parades?

Hey, enjoy the rest of the
show, thanks for coming out,

everybody!

- Ladies and gentlemen.

What do you
bring up last?

What's always last?

The best.

Well, that's what we've
got for you tonight.

They are a set of twins
from the Inland Empire,

we call them
the Smash Brothers!

- Holy shit, man.

So far,
we like Portland.

It just looks so different on
the show "Cops," that's all.

- There's more white
people in real life,

I can tell you that much.

- Yeah.

We're gonna set some fucking
rules right from jump here

during our set, folks, 'cause
when you mix up a bunch of

races, you gotta
have fucking rules.

Otherwise the white people fuck
something up in that situation.

Jailhouse rules
apply tonight, folks.

He's been in jail, he knows what
the fuck's about to happen.

- And he's white,
good for you.

- Yeah.

- God's white.
- Yeah.

- Good for you.

- So if anything happens
tonight, since jailhouse rules,

if anything happens, a big
fight, Pandemonium, melee,

anything like that,
pick a race, pick a wall

and let's fucking do this
shit, that's how it works.

- You're gonna know who the
mixed races are, 'cause they're

gonna be in the middle
of the theater looking

for their
fucking wall.

- Hit those
motherfuckers first.

- We don't make
the rules, Jesus does.

- Amen.

- And if you've seen prison
movies, you know, when there's

a big fight, Mexicans and the
whites, we team up, blacks,

you get the Asians.

That's just how it goes.

- Sorry.

- Where's all the
parents at?

You got a bunch of
parents in here?

See, here's the problem
with you parents.

Yeah.

Here's the problem with
you motherfuckers, man.

See, before 1985, if your kid
talked back or looked like

a fruit cup
like your kids.

- Right.

- You could knock
'em the fuck out.

- Fuck yeah--
That's the thing.

There's parents in this room
right fucking now that are so

fucking guilty of buying their
fat little son skinny jeans.

- Fat.

- You have a fat fucking kid
fucking walking around like

a double scoop of fucking ice
cream with shit blowing out.

- And he's probably white,
named Skylar or some shit.

- Yeah, yeah.

- And if you named your kid
Skylar, whether you're male or

female, punch yourself
in the pussy,

- 'cause that's what you got.
- Fucking-A.

- 'Cause your son's a bitch
and so are you, fuck you.

- Yeah.
- My name's Skylar.

- Oh, my kid's sensitive,
oh, he's sensitive.

No, your son's a bitch, bitch,
that's what the fuck's going on.

- See, whether you're in this
room and you're 65 or you're 35,

before 1985, if you
ever talked back,

you'd get knocked
the fuck out.

- That's it.
- And we had respect.

See, but the problem is, these
kids today don't respect you

parents, 'cause you're
giving them too much.

You're giving your
eight-year-old a cell phone,

so if you do hit 'em,
now they can call the cops

on your dumb ass.

- If we dared to call the
fucking cops in the '80s,

first of all, if you
were successful

on calling the
fucking police,

when they showed up, they
would kick your fucking ass

for wasting their
fucking time.

That's just
how it went.

We didn't have pagers.

Fuck, we didn't
have cell phones.

We had pay phones, but that shit
cost change and who has change?

- Right.
- We didn't have change.

We had one phone and
it was in the kitchen

and it was
a rotary phone.

- Yeah.
- And it took ten goddamn

minutes to call anywhere.

- Yeah.
- Let's say you got hit.

Your mom's in there making
Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

- with a wooden spoon.
- Yeah.

- And she heard you call
your brother a cocksucker.

She'd take that out of the hot,
boiling cheese and crack you

across the face with it--
And you would say,

"Thank you, ma'am,
I appreciate that.

- Yep.

And you'd better hope to God she
didn't break that on your ass,

'cause she's grabbing
a metal one next

and you better watch
the fuck out then, Jack.

- Now, listen, some of you guys
ain't laughing, you're under 25

and you're wearing skinny
jeans like a bitch,

- Yeah, yeah, you are.

- And after the show, we're
gonna take pictures and if I see

a grown man wearing fucking
jeans tighter than his

girlfriend, I'm gonna kick
you in your pussy right

the fuck out of
this theater.

- Bitch.
- Yep.

Yep, keep letting your kids
stretch their ears out, parents.

That's fucking hilarious.

Fucking funny.

That way when your kid goes
to jail, he can fit two more

dicks in his ears,
so that'll be good.

- See, you 25-year-old bitches
don't know what it was like to

grow up in the fucking
'80s or before.

Our Saturday mornings were the
coolest fucking thing in the

- whole God damn world.
- Fucking-A.

- You guys
remember Saturday?

- Oh.

The '80s were great.

First of all,
you got up early.

Real fucking early,
5:30, 6:00 a.m.

You cleaned your fucking room,
you made your bed and you had

to be very, very
fucking quiet.

- Quiet.

- If you had a friend over and
he was getting squirrelly,

jumping around, you're like,
calm the fuck down, man!

What the fuck's
wrong with you?

Don't think my dad won't come
in here and fuck you up, too.

He doesn't
give a fuck.

It was like, man, why do we
always have to be quiet at

your house
all the time?

It's like, dude, my parents were
up all night playing Uno doing

cocaine last
night, okay?

- And everybody in the '80s
played Uno and did cocaine.

- Right.

I mean, it was in the rules
under Milton Bradley.

If you did a reverse
card, you got a bump.

- I swear to God.
- That's just how it works.

- Swear to God.

So we'd make our bed, we'd go
out in the living room,

Saturday morning, about
6:00 a.m., you turn on the TV

and if you were lucky, it was
the coolest show of all coolest

shows and it was called
"Fraggle Rock."

- Fucking-A.

- Wait.

Look at Skylar and Bryce.

What the fuck is
"Fraggle Rock"?

Serious, it sounds gay.

- I don't know.

- It's only the coolest
show ever, motherfucker.

- Yeah-- Oh, that
show was great.

You know, there was all
kinds of fucking badass shows

in the '80s, you know, you're
flipping through the channels,

you're like, oh, fuck,
Bullwinkle's on, this is great.

- Fuck yeah.
- You know, Bugs Bunny.

There was cool shit.

Little Rascals,
things like that.

Say you got a little baby boner
that morning, you're like, what

the fuck is that little bitch
Punky Brewster doing right now?

What is she doing?

I loved that little
black bitch Cherie.

So then you turned on the TV,
you turned it low.

You and your friend
tiptoed into the kitchen,

you made your
favorite cereal.

- Mm-hmm.
- For us, it was Honey Smacks.

- Right.
- Fuck yeah.

Now, our dad was
a coke head.

We didn't have the good shit
with the frog on the box.

- Fuck no,
no, no.

- We had the fake shit with a
bear wearing a blue sweater

- on the box.
- Fuck yeah.

- And his name was
Sugar Bear, motherfucker.

- Yep, and they must have
sprinkled cocaine on that

cereal, 'cause I'd mow
the yard, throw rocks,

I'd do anything after
eating that shit.

- Fuck yeah.

I heard if you crush up a bowl,
you can do fucking yardwork

- all day.
- That's what I heard.

- All day.

Now, you ate your cereal, you
turned off the TV and you got

- the fuck outside.
- Yep.

And we stayed outside all
goddamned day, and if you were

thirsty, you didn't
have Capri Suns.

You didn't
have soda pop.

- No.
- You had one option

and that was the hose,
motherfuckers.

- That's it.

Try giving your fat
little kid the hose

and see what the
fuck he does.

Oh, my God,
are we broke?

What's going on?

- Serious, there's ants
and dog shit on this.

- Oh, God!

- Our gardener drinks
out of this hose.

This is bullshit.

Listen up, you fruitcups,
you 25-year-old bitches.

We had to drink out
of the hose, man.

And drinking out of the
hose was a motherfucker.

We had to turn it on and wait
three minutes for the spiders,

roly-polys
and pincher bugs.

- Yeah.

- And it could be winter at
midnight and that water

- was hot as fuck.
- Yeah.

- Oh, and you'd pinch off the
hose, there was all kinds

of fun games.

You let your brother or sister
get a drink and then blow their

God damn mouth wide open.

Boom!

- That shit was fun.

- So then you drink
out of the hose.

You got on your--
We had old-school scooters,

not the ones with the little
fucking wheels like that,

we had big-ass wheels and we'd
just be kicking it down the

- fucking street...
- Jumping off curbs and shit.

- ...just kicking
that shit.

- Oh, that--
- Fuck--

- Fuck yeah.
- Ooh, yeah.

- Fucking doing
tricks and shit.

- Fuck yeah.
- Fuck yeah.

- Say you crashed that fucking
thing and you got a wound or

something, blood, you were like,
fuck you'd grab some mud,

you'd sling that
shit right on there.

Not your fucking kids.

They got Neosporin on
their fucking keychain

for Christ's sake.

Bunch of fucking
pussies.

And see, that's the thing
folks, you stayed out all day.

You stayed out all fucking day
and you only came home when the

street lights came on or the
fucking black kids were chasing

- you and that's it.
- That's it.

Because we wanted
to be outside,

we wanted to be
outside and do shit.

Not your fucking
pussy kids.

Your kids are at home right
now on the Internet playing

Farmville with
a 45-year-old man

with his sweats
around his ankles.

- Yep, right now.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Check your Internet options,

motherfuckers, go to cookies,
you're gonna be disgusted.

- Fucking-A.
- Oh, and there's

parents in this room.

- I don't like to hit my kids,
you know, I was hit and that's

not right, I don't
like to hit my kids.

Well, that's
fine, folks.

That's what pepper
spray is for.

Your kid wants to act like
a fucking little animal?

You fucking
spray him down.

Then you hand him a cell phone
and go, go ahead and call the

cops, you little fuck,
call 'em right now.

The cops show up, you're like,
he's telling the cops, oh,

he sprayed me
with mace,

you're like, Officer,
first of all, no I didn't,

he has allergies,
that's what's wrong.

- Skylar's sensitive,
officer, he's sensitive.

- Yeah.
- He's sensitive,

him and his boyfriend
Bryce are sensitive.

- Right.

He's obviously ready to go to
jail, Officer, he's been in his

room dancing around with
his boxers on backwards

to "Gangnam Style."

Take his ass in.

And here's the deal, parents, if
you don't want to hit your kids,

that's cool.

We babysit for two
bucks an hour

and we'll beat the
fuck out of your kid.

- 'Cause I'm tired of
repeating my order at Subway

'cause your kid's
a fucking retard.

- Right.

God damn right.

- Now listen, folks, the last 30
minutes were crazy and if you

didn't laugh at any of this,
you didn't understand anything

we said, you're probably
under 25, named Skylar

and you wear skinny jeans
and you're a fucking cunt,

so fuck yourself.

- We're the Smash Brothers!

- Thank you!
- Thank you!

- The Smash Brothers,
ladies and gentlemen.

Well, what do
you think?

What do you think?

Oh, my God.

What a fucking night
of filthy, dirty comedy.

We were so happy to come here
and bring it to you, Portland.

Yeah, I finally got something
to work that I'm high

and so I feel
pretty good about it.

No, but it is welcome to
Portland, here's a joint.

I-- I love it.

I--

I would be remiss in not
bringing these men and women

out for the ovation
that they deserve

and I think you
appreciated 'em all,

'cause we sure
as fuck did,

we love 'em.

Let's bring it up
for my best friend,

Mr. Billy Wayne Davis,
ladies and gentlemen.

How about Miss
Danielle Stewart,

ladies and gentlemen?

Come on, give
it to Danielle.

Where you at,
you smoking hottie.

Jesus Christ.

My main man Chuck Roy!

Yeah!

Uncle Chuck.

Uncle Chuck.

Fuck yeah, baby.

And loud, the guys
I'm on tour with

right now,
the Smash Brothers!

Love you boys.

Hey, we are the Filthy Animals
we love you the most.

Thank you so much for
coming out tonight!