Original subtitles

CHARLES: My last relationship lasted six years.

Emma, that's my ex, she moved in,

and she brought with her her 7‐year‐old daughter, Lucy.

Emma thought a hard break would be best for Lucy.

Really haven't spoken to her since.

‐ All in favor of evicting all three members of Murder, She Wrote?

Terrific! CHARLES: My girlfriend's been stabbed.

I'm losing my home now?

‐ I have a big solo tomorrow night.

‐ Would it be okay if I came to see you tomorrow?

I mean, after all, I'm dating the first chair bassoonist,

and I've never even seen you play. JAN: I think it would make me too nervous.

CONDUCTOR: The youngest first chair bassoonist

in our symphony's history. Ms. Allison Tipton.

‐ Tox report's back. Tim Kono was poisoned!

He was already dead when he was shot. ‐ This was a crime of passion.

Romantic fury, the desire to see someone suffer

before you blow their brains out!

‐ We certainly heard a late night visitor.

‐ Tim was seeing someone?

‐ I never heard a woman scream like that.

OLIVER: You think his sex toys could reveal anything?

‐ I don't know. What is this?

OLIVER: Exotic Instruments...

‐ Why is there a bassoon cleaner in Tim's sex toy box?

♪

[elevator rumbling]

[elevator dings, doors opening]

TIM: Twenty‐three seconds.

♪

That's the time I spent when I was actually alive

with three people on an elevator. [elevator dings]

[pushes button] And it's lead to all this.

Just 23 seconds.

My name is Tim Kono.

I lived in apartment 9A here at the Arconia.

Approximately 12 minutes from now,

I will be murdered.

But, let's not rush this.

Get to know a fellow a little before he tells you how he died, right?

[elevator dings, doors open]

[pushes button]

I was never very good with people.

Never really felt lonely though.

That came later.

After Mabel... [shutter clicks]

and Oscar and Zoe.

The loneliness came after I lost all of that.

So, when someone comes along and reminds you

that we all deal with the same shit...

[elevator dings]

...sometimes, you welcome them in,

with inhibitions lowered,

with arms wide open.

♪

MABEL: No fucking way!

We have to tell Charles!

He's gonna hate us! ‐ He already hates us.

Mabel! ‐ What?

‐ What a terrific goddamn finale this is gonna be.

‐ Oliver, he could be in danger. ‐ Right, right. For sure.

But that might not be so bad either. [elevator dings]

‐ Charles! ‐ Charles!

Okay, we‐we gotta break the door down.

‐ Excuse me? We weigh 125 combined.

‐ Oh, thank you. It's the dips. Come on.

Okay. One... two...

Go, Mabel, go!

[panting]

[snorts]

Ow!

[elevator dings]

Oh my god, she's gotten to you already.

‐ What's going on?

‐ So, funny story...

‐ You're sleeping with a murderer!

♪ lively theme song playing ♪

♪ vocalizing ♪

♪ bassoon playing ♪

‐ You two could not look more crazy right now.

‐ For the record,

it's not fun for me to tell you any of this.

‐ Nor I. Nor does it give me pleasure

to remind you that you're being recorded.

He is dating the potential killer, Mabel!

The rules are changing by the minute!

‐ Jan lives on the sixth floor.

Tim was carrying someone else's trash bag

full of suicide notes and cocktail glasses

from the sixth floor. So,

I know this isn't easy to hear, but...

we found out that Tim was having

some sort of romantic thing with‐‐

‐ Jan was fucking Tim Kono! I'm sorry,

we're recordings. You know, we gotta pace it up.

‐ That's ridiculous. OLIVER: I know,

but before you look too shocked by their age difference,

maybe you wanna look at the two of you.

‐ I am not going down one of your idiotic rabbit holes.

I searched all of Tim's cellphone. Jan wasn't anywhere on it.

‐ Well, maybe he deleted her, or she deleted herself.

‐ Are you forgetting someone stabbed her? OLIVER: Oh, right.

I forgot the real killer decided not to kill Jan. By the way,

I've had worse injuries shucking oysters!

‐ You have to leave.

I can't hear any more of your insanity.

This is the first romantic relationship I've had in years!

Why are you trying to ruin it for me? MABEL: We're not,

but, Charles...

Where is Jan right now?

‐ She's a... she's a‐a‐at the symphony,

still playing. I left early.

‐ And why'd you do that?

♪

‐ Why are you still here?

‐ [sighs] Just please...

look at what's in front of you,

and be careful.

‐ [sighs] Jesus... ‐ [sighs]

So, Jan is still at the symphony.

‐ Mm‐hmm. [pushes button]

‐ Which means, she's not currently...

‐ Mm‐hmm.

[crinkling]

[sighs]

[inaudible]

[knocking] JAN: Charles?

I raced here right at intermission.

They won't notice I'm gone. Which is, well,

pretty devastating to say out loud, honestly.

Anyway, I'm mortified.

I don't know why I lied to you about being first chair.

I think it has to do with being beaten out by a child.

Maybe this is why all the adult doctors were always so mean to Doogie Howser.

‐ I lost a Golden Globe to him once.

‐ I'm sorry.

About that Globe.

And this.

I should've told you.

Then I could've invited you, which is what I wanted to do in the first place,

until I got weird.

Charles, your nose.

‐ It's from earlier. JAN: Are you sure?

That looks fresh.

Can I get you some ice?

Maybe we can have a drink?

Maybe we can have 12 drinks?

‐ Come on in.

‐ You almost let me break my scapula earlier, and you could do this?

‐ Charles taught me. [clicking]

I taught him how to use Postmates, and he taught me how to do this.

‐ Aw. You two, I swear.

It's like watching Paper Moon for the first time all over again.

‐ When I saw you in the audience, I felt terrified.

Here.

‐ Oh, that's nice. Thank you.

‐ And I thought, "That's it. He's just always gonna think the worst of me now."

‐ That could never happen.

‐ Can we toast to that?

[ice rattling]

[clink]

Oh. Did I leave that here?

‐ Uh, we found that in Tim Kono's apartment.

‐ It's a bassoon cleaner. Why would Tim have that?

‐ No idea.

‐ Hold on. The murdered guy also played bassoon?

I mean, what are the odds of that?

Do you think the killer is targeting bassoonists?

Wait...

You're not thinking that I‐‐

‐ No. [laughs]

Oliver and Mabel are.

But not me.

‐ [sigh, soft laugh] I would, too.

Jeez. [laughs]

So, do you think Tim Kono‐‐

‐ Can we not talk about Tim Kono right now?

‐ Of course.

What do you wanna talk about?

♪

‐ That I think I'm falling in love with you.

‐ Oh.

Well, that's interesting.

Because I think I'm falling in love with you, too.

‐ [sighs] Well...

that is a relief. [laughs]

‐ Yeah.

It's usually less awkward when it happens to both people.

‐ Hm.

Doesn't exactly scream killer, does it? Where do we start?

‐ Did you ever listen to that podcast Baker's Dozen?

‐ Oh, classic.

Midwestern bake‐off winner

dismembers 12 ladies trying to take her title.

‐ Kinda picture her place like this. ‐ Yeah.

‐ Do you remember where they found all the evidence she was hiding?

[inhales]

‐ But let me use it first. I need to go.

‐ You know what's crazy?

I think I would love you

even if you did kill Tim Kono.

Which is super crazy because I've broken up with people

for whispering loudly in movies.

Or chewing weird. [laughs]

‐ Wow, Charles.

That's real love. Yeah. ‐ I know, right?

‐ You're not drinking much.

‐ Oh, I'm not drinking at all.

I'm taking... [ice rattling]

stage sips.

Because there's poison in it.

♪

It's what you did with Tim Kono, right?

A breakup drink before you shot him with his own gun?

I'm still not sure why you poisoned the cat though.

‐ I didn't do that.

All I can think is

she came in the window afterwards,

and maybe...

I know, right?

Ugh! [laughs]

Oh god! This is so hot, Charles.

Just super exciting to be

totally open together,

and just let it all hang out...

Woof!

‐ Hey, come here.

She's a poisoner...

[pills rattling]

...who uses a label maker?

[beep] ‐ The saddest thing about this

is that if Jan weren't a murderous maniac

she'd be perfect for Charles. [metal rattling]

♪

[rattling]

‐ So you were seeing Tim Kono?

‐ Hello. I'm a sucker

for lonely guys with notable age differences

I meet on elevators. I think you know that.

‐ And Tim came to see you the day he died.

‐ He did. Which was also

two days after he broke up with me.

Not insignificant.

I told him I had to give him some things he left at my place.

‐ I don't remember leaving anything here.

‐ I just poured two Old Fashioneds.

One more for old time's sake?

And then a half‐hour later,

I dumped the glasses in his bag... [glasses rattling]

and just sent him on his way.

[rattling] [echoing shut]

And then I went back to my window to practice my Pavane piece.

‐ No. You didn't.

I heard the bassoon that night.

It sounded... different.

You weren't playing live. It was a recording.

‐ Yay! [laughing] Oh, Charles!

Do you see how good we are together?

And how great

is an alibi where the whole building can hear you playing?

Oh, what else did you figure out about me?

Tell me, tell me, tell me.

When did you really start locking in on me?

CHARLES: The notes.

[stumbles]

The J's...

[slurring] are similar.

‐ Aw...

[baby talk] My cute little J's gave me away.

[normal] Good eye, kid.

‐ [slurred] I compared them side by side...

JAN: Oh. [bangs chair]

There it goes.

That's exactly how Tim sounded.

♪

‐ The handkerchief...

‐ Yay. Handkerchief,

not the glasses. [stumbling]

I mixed it up this time.

You know, I'm not one of those who always does it the same

and has to carve a niche for themselves.

Even though I did carve a niche in myself.

‐ Wait, did she...

‐ You stabbed yourself?

‐ Wow...

That's really kicked in, hasn't it?

Your legs gone?

‐ [indistinct mumbling] ‐ Oh, tongue, too.

[baby talk] Seen it before.

[click, alarm blaring]

[doors opening, shutting] [hall chatter]

♪

[normal voice] You know?

You and Tim are a lot alike.

I felt so lucky to be let into your private, isolated worlds.

But Tim messed up by seeing somebody else,

or that's what I thought. ‐ [mumbling]

JAN: This is the kicker. The day before,

the day before we broke up,

I found this emerald ring at his place.

Just delivered. I mean, clearly meant for somebody else, right?

[Tim groaning]

You know how I feel about being made second.

That's a big trigger for me.

[Tim grunts] JAN: It's so odd.

[alarm blaring] [coughs]

When a person begs you

for their life, it is such a tonic for me.

♪

And knowing, finally, I am truly number one for someone.

[gun clicking]

[gunshot]

You need me now more than ever, don't you?

Charles, why does that feel so good?

[Charles grunts] How crazy is it

that ring was actually the ring

from the murder you solved.

[laughs]

Ironic.

And tragic. My bad. I do own that.

[metal clinking]

‐ Oliver... [rattling]

♪

‐ Oh god.

Oh, Mabel, I...

I'm so, so sorry.

‐ She did it.

She really killed him.

‐ Yeah, she did. She did.

‐ Charles!

‐ The trick now, it's not just you.

There are two others I have to deal with and more.

I mean, so many know about this

because of your podcast.

I've gotta think big here.

Isn't it nice they opened all these fireplaces back up?

I mean, in a way, it makes us all connected in the building.

Should make for a fun finale.

Too bad I'm gonna miss it. It's gonna be a gas.

[laughs] [Charles groaning]

I want you to know

this is definitely

one of my rougher breakups, Charles.

♪

I really did fall in love with you.

Sadly,

I will not be seeing you bassooner or later.

[door opens, shuts]

[inhales]

♪

[snort, groan]

[grunting]

[groan, grunt]

Oh...

[panting]

[groans]

[sighs]

Mm... [sighs]

[beep] [grunt, sigh]

[sighs]

[slurred] Siri... [beep]

I don't feel good... [beep]

SIRI: Okay. Playing Fields of Gold by Sting.

‐ [sighs] Oh... [frustrated crying]

♪ song playing ♪

♪

[elevator dings]

[pushing button] [dings]

[unlocks door]

♪ Fields of barley ♪

♪ You'll forget the sun ♪

♪ In his jealous sky ♪

♪ As we walk in... ♪

[echoing footsteps]

♪ So she took her love ♪

[elevator dings] [sighs]

[sighs, grunting]

♪ Upon the fields of barley ♪

[grunt]

[grunting] [alarm buzzing]

[bell ringing]

[struggling] [elevator dings]

‐ Why is his door open?

Charles! ‐ Charles!

♪ frantic music playing ♪

‐ Look. Where is he?

[elevator dings] [song continues]

‐ You overpay for your arugula

every time, Uma.

‐ You're one to talk, Miss Fresh Basil in February.

‐ Why'd you press all the buttons?

‐ Oh, this asshole did it.

You kick him out of the building, he goes on a bender.

‐ Oh god. I can't wait till he's gone. [elevator dings]

[excited squealing]

BUNNY: Ah! UMA: Oh my god!

‐ I know, right? I just got her,

and I love her so much. ‐ Meow...

‐ [laughs] What's her name, Howard?

‐ Evelyn Seven. Lucky number Sevelyn. [meow]

I feel like Evelyn's death wasn't in vain.

Like, she really brought everybody together, you know?

CHARLES: Ah... ALL: Shut it!

HOWARD: If you guys would like to come over some time

and play Parcheesi and have a gab,

Sevelyn and I would love to have you over. [elevator dings]

‐ Oh, is there room?

‐ [overlapping] Oh sure. Yeah, come on in. We can squeeze.

GROVER: Hi.

Do you need help?

‐ [indistinct gibberish]

‐ You can schedule an out‐patient with my girl.

And I now take cryptocurrency. [elevator dings]

‐ There's a mess in there.

[song continues]

‐ Don't worry. This happened to Sting when The Police broke up.

Never said a word. CHARLES: Augh...

‐ I'm sending you back to your apartment. Get into bed and sleep it off.

Don't tell anyone I told you about Sting.

‐ [garbled mumbling]

Nah... [gurgles]

[elevator dings]

♪

‐ Lester, have you seen Charles? ‐ Just sent him upstairs, flat on his can,

struck down with the Irish Flu. Didn't hear it from me.

Same thing happened to Sting. Don't tell anyone I told you.

[clicking button, dings]

[clicking]

‐ How the hell does he...

[banging, alarm buzzing] [dings]

‐ Oh my god, Charles! [alarm ringing]

‐ Wow, Lester was right! ‐ Grab him.

‐ Okay, where did you get a Quaalude?

[both grunt, sigh]

‐ Turn him over! [Oliver groans]

‐ [garbled mumbling] MABEL: Hey! Hey!

Did Jan poison you? ‐ [slurred] Yes! She poisoned me...

‐ We have to get him to a hospital.

‐ Or! We get as much milk into him as possible.

It absorbs toxins.

‐ Ah! [gargling]

‐ And if that doesn't work, I can urinate on him.

‐ I think that's for jellyfish.

Wait, what is he doing? ‐ Oh no, it's his phone!

Is there something on your phone, buddy? ‐ What's your password?

‐ [garbled nonsense]

‐ Okay, put his face on it. ‐ Okay. Hold it.

‐ It's not working! ‐ His facial muscles are too limp.

[Charles groaning] It's okay. I know what to do. Look.

[click]

‐ We're in! ‐ Ah! God, I'm clever. Okay.

JAN [on phone]: Should make for a fun finale.

‐ It's Jan. Did you record Jan?

‐ [mumbling] JAN: Too bad I'm gonna miss it.

It's gonna be a gas. ARNAV: Oh, hey.

Is anyone feeling dizzy?

I was just about to start a fire, but it's like there's

fumes coming up from the basement. ‐ [gibberish]

‐ Oh, my daughter's in there.

‐ Gas. [door shuts]

‐ Wait, did Jan... ‐ Woof!

‐ We have to go to the basement! ‐ Ah...

‐ How are we gonna get him anywhere?

So poetic. Closed for years

because of an asthmatic Tim Kono,

our fireplaces were opened again because of his murder,

only to lead to the death of thousands!

‐ I don't think thousands live here.

‐ Boy, you really don't take the ride, do you?

[stroller squeaking]

[whispering] The boiler room of the Arconia.

The irritable bowel of the building.

A perfect spot for a perfect ending.

[machines humming] [quiet alarm blaring]

‐ Okay. I'll take the west side of the building, you take the east.

‐ Okay.

Oh my god! Look what she's done! [hissing]

‐ What!? OLIVER: The thing!

‐ The duct! That wasn't attached to the thing!

That shouldn't be that way! Do you see a duct attached

to a thing it shouldn't be attached to?

‐ What are you even saying?!

‐ I'm pulling the thing out here...

[hissing] [coughing]

Okay, pull down the top of your thing!

[hissing] [clanking]

[whirring down] Ah!

We did it! I think.

We‐we took down the thing, so that the stuff won't go

from the thing up into the... Yeah, we did it!

[gun cocks] ‐ Oh, you really did it.

Get down here.

♪

[panting]

Hey.

Look at you still kicking.

I was worried that hanky

wouldn't do the full trick on Brazzos.

Okay. Indulge me. I've always wanted to do this.

Roses are red...

violets are blue...

who shall I kill?

Maybe it's you.

CHARLES [clearly] No.

♪

No.

This ends now, Jan.

You won't shoot my friends.

Shoot me if you need to, but not them.

Because I don't want to live in a world without them anymore.

There were parts of myself that were dead

that they brought back to life.

Before this...

I was just a hollow shell walking around.

And they made me alive.

[slurred, garbled nonsense]

[nonsense continues]

♪

‐ You're helping me get over you.

‐ No! [Jan grunts]

[gunshot] [clang]

‐ This is for Tim. [Jan grunts]

‐ [mumbling]

[lights buzzing]

‐ This sends the investigation into a whole new direction.

‐ Good one, Brazzos.

Now, let's go get your stomach pumped.

‐ Eh...

♪

[quiet siren, police radio chatter]

MABEL: Is he gonna be okay?

PARAMEDIC: Three, two, one.

‐ He's gonna be fine.

[gurney rattling]

‐ Oliver.

It seems due to the events of tonight, there's been

a reversal in sentiment regarding your tenancies

here at the Arconia.

‐ Oh, please, just say it, Bunny.

"Welcome back, you sexy thing!"

‐ I'll get you gone sooner or later.

You're all idiots! ‐ Hey, Bunny.

Congrats. You're the most hated person

in the building now, you cranky old bitch.

[laughs]

♪

[street noise, chatter]

WILL: Dad? Your child's home.

Oliver: [laughs] Willie!

And Winnie! My little girl! I'm so glad you're back.

[kissing] Hello. Hello, Winnie!

‐ Jesus, what a ride you've been on, huh?

‐ [laughs] You think?

‐ I'm proud of you.

I think. Um, I'm not even really clear

what happened here, but I wanted to stop by

and give you this.

It's a check for your next big thing.

‐ No, no. I‐I don't want it.

‐ You sure?

‐ I'd take an awkward hug though.

‐ Okay. [laughs]

[Winnie panting] [envelope crinkling]

‐ Huh.

‐ It's not so awkward, huh? ‐ No. That was nice.

Well, I‐I can tell you what happened.

You know, the whole insane story, unless you need to get going.

‐ No, no, no, no, no. I would... I'd like to stay.

‐ Oh, well. Okay, good. So,

it‐it was very bizarre. Get in the elevator...

♪

OSCAR: This is incredible.

‐ Took me long enough, I know.

‐ Yeah, well...

Some things are worth the wait.

‐ Hm. Nice positive‐as‐fuck words

from the man who just got his good name back.

‐ [laughs] Yeah.

You okay?

‐ Yeah. I am.

‐ What?

‐ It's just been a long time since I've said that

and actually meant it.

‐ Come here.

♪

[typing]

[typing]

[drops phone]

[sends text]

[sighs]

♪

[sighs]

[text whooshes]

[typing, sends text]

[sighs]

‐ My story really ends with you.

Even though I didn't get to know all that went on once I left,

a connection was made...

TIM/CHARLES: among three strangers...

willing to embrace their own messes...

CHARLES: and to recognize

we are all connected.

We started with the question,

"Who is Tim Kono?"

The answer, as it turned out...

we are all Tim Kono.

‐ That was amazing.

‐ I mean, I just...

That‐that's the best performance you've ever given.

I have nothing left to teach you.

‐ Really? So I can finally add "voiceover acting" to my resume?

‐ Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves.

CHARLES: And one more toast to Mabel. [laughter]

OLIVER: To Mabel Mora. MABEL: Oh stop.

[clink] ‐ [laughs] Yeah‐‐ Oh, sorry.

Hey, you know, I'm amazed how spectacular that ring still looks after

you knocked out a murderer.

Or y‐‐ Charles' girlfriend.

Or ex‐girlfriend. Not sure how you landed.

‐ You're handling this pretty well.

‐ You know, I'm thinking of putting myself out there again.

I mean, I slept with a murderer!

That is a great story to tell on a first date.

[Oliver laughs]

‐ Does anyone else feel like there's still a couple of loose ends?

[distant siren] ‐ Loose ends?

‐ I don't know. Maybe it's just a feeling.

‐ All I know is that we've run out of champagne.

‐ Mm. I will get some from my apartment.

‐ Ah... ‐ Thank you, ma'am!

‐ Yep. [puts down glass]

‐ So, I was thinking that maybe, uh,

we should do something maybe more salacious for the next case.

What do you think?

‐ What makes you think I want to work with you again?

‐ Oh, please. You're nothing without me.

‐ We do make a decent team.

I mean, we could, um, talk about it tomorrow.

If you're free.

‐ Well, Charles‐Haden Savage,

are you asking me to be your bestie?

‐ "Bestie"? What are we, 14?

‐ No, no, listen. I‐I'm flattered.

So should we meet at 7, or you think... [sirens getting louder]

more of a coffee thing? Or something like 4?

‐ You‐you know, I'm starting to regret this alread‐‐

Is that getting louder?

‐ Yeah. Closer, too. [sirens blaring]

[text chimes]

‐ "Get out of the building now."

‐ Exclamation point. ‐ Exclamation point.

‐ Exclamation point. ‐ Three exclamation points.

‐ Whose number is this? ‐ I don't know.

‐ Okay, this is getting scary. What is going on?

‐ We gotta get Mabel.

OLIVER: Mabel! Oh my god! CHARLES: Oh my god!

♪

BOTH: Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!

CHARLES: We gotta get her! I'm not leaving her here!

‐ Oh, and I would? ‐ Of course you would!

‐ Of course I would!

‐ It's not what you think.

OLIVER: Bunny! ‐ I just opened the door,

and she stumbled in on me!

‐ Is that your knitting needle?

‐ Yes.

COP 1: Nobody move!

COP 2: Hands up! [Oliver gasps]

[officers chattering] [guns cocking]

♪ Manhattan by The Supremes playing ♪

♪ We'll have Manhattan ♪

♪ The Bronx and Staten... ♪

‐ Don't say a fucking word.

♪ It's lovely ♪

♪ Going through ♪

♪ The zoo ♪

♪ It's very fancy ♪

♪ On old Delancey Street ♪

♪ You know ♪

♪ The subway charms us so ♪

♪ When balmy ♪

♪ Breezes blow ♪

♪ To and fro ♪

♪ And tell me... ♪

‐ This... could be interesting.

‐ Coming this fall,

Only Murderers in the Building.

‐ That's good, Poppy.

That's very good.

I wrote that.

♪ By ♪

♪ The great big city's ♪

♪ A wondrous toy ♪

♪ Just made for ♪

♪ A girl and boy ♪

♪ We'll turn Manhattan ♪

♪ Into an isle of ♪

♪ Joy... ♪

♪ song ends ♪

From this moment on, that is mine. Do you understand?

Say otherwise, and you will be stocking the NPR fridge

with LaCroix until you're 50. Do you fucking hear me?

♪ theme song playing ♪

♪ vocalizing ♪

♪

[fanfare]