Original subtitles

DETECTIVE WILLIAMS: Oh shit.

I'm sittin' here looking at timestamped photos

of the Dimases

outside before the fire alarm even went off!

‐ Oh god.

There may still be a murderer in the building.

‐ You mean my girlfriend was right?

‐ I don't know, you guys. Don't you think it feels a little too easy?

I'd take another look at Howard.

OLIVER: Tim did not die because of a cat, Jan!

‐ Jan, we kinda worked on this as a team together.

‐ And I'm not on the team.

‐ Well, I wouldn't put it like that. ‐ Oh, I would.

♪

‐ No, no, you have great ideas!

‐ Charles, let her go! We're on the clock!

‐ What is wrong with you?

MABEL: Is it cancer?

‐ It's anxiety. It happens sometimes when I talk to people.

They're cleaning out Tim Kono's apartment tomorrow,

so we're gonna look around for clues before everything's gone.

‐ Sex toys! We got sex toys, people!

Remember not to judge. There's nothing‐‐ nothing shameful about...

deviant sexual pursuits.

[knocking]

Jan!

Jan! J‐‐ Help!

Anybody! Help!

♪ mournful bassoon playing ♪

♪ continues ♪

JAN: New York in winter is no friend of the bassoon.

A cold instrument will go flat on you.

♪

[quiet siren]

It takes extra time and care to warm her up.

To make her feel comfortable in your hands again.

‐ Jan! We're getting help!

Help! Anybody! We're getting help...

JAN: I've avoided giving my bassoon a name, like Betty,

preferring to think of her as a beautiful stranger.

To make it special every time I pick her up.

Like we're meeting for the first time.

Learning if we might play well with each other,

if we might work as one,

which is the only way it can work.

♪ continues playing ♪

♪ ends ♪

[Jan winces]

‐ Don't adjust without my help.

‐ I'm fine.

‐ You're wincing. I can see you wince.

There's no way you can play a concert tomorrow.

‐ All I have to do is sit.

And blow.

No comment on that?

‐ I mean, I enjoyed hearing you say it.

‐ [giggles] Ow.

‐ You know, I want to kill whoever did this to you.

If it was Howard the cat guy, who you tried to remind us of,

I want to snap his leg off like I snapped off his cat's leg.

‐ I don't know that story. That's hot.

‐ You know, you should've mentioned Howard to the cops.

‐ You need some proof to do that,

and I never saw the person. ‐ Yeah.

I can't believe I let myself get distracted.

First, by Oliver and his idiot Sting theory,

and then by Mabel,

and the jewels, and the Dimases.

‐ Well, you guys did solve one murder.

Just not Tim Kono.

‐ You could've been killed.

All because they had to rush out a podcast.

You know...

I need to tell them I'm out.

And, you know, cutting people loose is not one of my things.

Mabel's gonna be looking at me with those damn cocker spaniel eyes.

‐ Look, I support what you want,

but this means a lot to you. They do.

‐ They do.

Well, at least one of 'em does.

But you mean more.

[inhales] [phone ringing]

[ringing] CHARLES: You know what?

I want to take you away from this building to some place sunny.

You know, I can get tan,

although I turn sort of a, you know, pinkish‐lavender.

[Jan laughs] [ringing, picks up]

‐ Lester?

Now?

Okay, fine...

[hangs up]

JAN: Is‐‐ Someone's coming up?

‐ Pataki, my stunt double from Brazzos.

‐ Your stunt double from 20 years ago just pops over?

‐ Yeah, it's a thing. Pataki makes it a point to stop by every year

when the big stunt awards are in town, like we're still best buds.

I forgot it was this week.

‐ Well, nice to stay connected. CHARLES: No.

Bad timing, which is also a Pataki thing.

We have kind of a complicated history, but I'm gonna make this go away.

[Pataki and Charles yelling]

[both laugh] PATAKI: Savage!

[laughter] CHARLES: Whoa!

[both laugh]

‐ Well. Who do we have here?

♪ lively theme song playing ♪

♪ vocalizing ♪

OLIVER [on podcast]: We here at Only Murders in the Building

want to issue just a quick correction

regarding last week's episode.

We now know the true killer of Tim Kono

was not Teddy or Theo Dimas.

So, you know, just...

forget about that. [nervous laugh]

That's what they call a retraction

in the high halls of journalistic integrity.

All part of the thrill of being

the first investigative podcast to publish as we go.

The good news is

this means last week's episode was not our finale.

And we can all still enjoy the fine dips and wraps

from Dimas Delis, safe in the knowledge

that the owners haven't murdered anyone in the last few months.

‐ Am I the only one happy the Dimases got accused of something they didn't do?

Back at you, fuckers.

‐ I like it, too, but who killed Tim?

I mean, there was a note on Jan's door before she got stabbed.

There was a note on Oliver's door before his dog got poisoned.

So what, there's just this person running around

leaving notes, poisoning, and stabbing, and...

Wait, did you just...

‐ Yeah, it took you long enough.

‐ Hm.

‐ I had to clean it up. My dad's taking me upstate

to meet this lawyer who says he can help me get my name cleared.

All thanks to you.

‐ I don't know if I like it.

[laughs] Why don't we see? ‐ Yeah.

Do you like it? Yeah? ‐ I like it.

I like it.

[elevator dings]

[sighs]

[elevator doors shut]

[drops box]

‐ Okay... [sighs]

‐ So, for the next six hours, I'm fightin' off a live gator

with a broken‐off bourbon bottle,

and this guy's complaining about a sunburn he got on an airboat.

I can't believe he didn't tell you this story.

‐ Well, we've only known each other a few weeks,

and half that time, I've been recovering

from an assault/stabbing.

‐ Oh, adorable.

So you two are freshly in lurrrve,

mm? Learning each other's foibles,

discovering what makes the other climax.

And you're getting with him right as he's heating up, what with this podcast.

‐ I don't know about "heating up." PATAKI: Hey, hey.

I've been listening, okay? I saw you on Fallon.

You are about to get Tarantino'd, man!

And you're gonna need me

by your side for the resurgence.

[squeaky horn ringtone]

Ah. Fuckaroonies, it's my agent.

[ringtone continues] I have to take this.

Hello, Sy.

Mm‐hmm.

Yeah, I'm with him right now. He looks great! Mwah!

[both chuckle]

Probably gonna have to age me up just a little bit.

Yeah, some jowls, some eye stuff, and then we're good to go.

Okay. Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, listen, um, I gotta talk to him about my next gig.

I'm doubling for Tilda Swinton. Hm. Can I, uh...

‐ Yeah, you can take it in the next room.

‐ Oh! Tilda's shoulder, hip measurement? Exact same as yours.

Hey, Jan, you think you could, uh, rustle up a little coffee? [clicks tongue]

‐ [laughs] She's kind of a kick.

‐ Yeah, everybody loves Sazz.

‐ Sazz? That's her first name?

‐ Yeah. Sazz was always more popular than I was on the set,

and she was better at everything than I was.

‐ I doubt that.

‐ Oh really? Well, ask my ex‐girlfriend, Cookie, who left me for Sazz.

‐ What?

‐ Yeah, season six. And then, I had to spend three more seasons with her

while she shacked up with Cookie.

I couldn't fire her 'cause the crew would hate me.

‐ Well now, I don't like her. ‐ Hm.

‐ I don't want you feeling second to anyone, Charles‐Haden Savage.

[kiss] [knocking]

I'll get that. ‐ I'll get the coffee.

‐ Hey, how you feeling? ‐ Oh, better.

I have the best caretaker looking after me.

‐ Oh, that's so sweet.

Where is that good guy? [door shuts]

You hear that, Brazzos? You still got it.

Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry. ‐ Ah!

CHARLES: What up!

‐ Ah! The fuck? ‐ Ah!

‐ My stunt double from Brazzos.

‐ Sazz Pataki. Happens all the time.

‐ Oh, you're...

Wow, that's pretty progressive for the early '90s.

‐ Yeah, well, I've been called a groundbreaker,

among other things. [laughs]

‐ A stuntwoman. That's badass.

‐ I did some of my own stunts.

‐ Yeah, you rode a bike.

‐ [sighs] Mm. Anybody want coffee?

‐ Uh, sure. ‐ Yeah, I guess.

‐ [knocking] JAN: I got it.

‐ You know, I've been looking at your, uh, beautiful mind

situation back there.

I have some thoughts.

MABEL: Hm.

‐ So, Bunny's a fuckface.

Oh! Hey, Jan. How's your back?

‐ Oh, better if I hunch. ‐ Oh, terrific.

Got a little kerfuffle at my place. [grunts]

Bunny changed the locks on me

but she let me back in to grab a few things.

Obviously, I'm not moving in permanently. Is he here?

‐ He's in there. ‐ Alright.

Charles! I need to camp‐‐

Okay.

I don't know what work you've had done,

but it's too much,

and that is not the response you first want.

Is that filler? CHARLES: I'm over here.

[screams]

‐ What the... [panting]

What is this, Face/Off?

♪

‐ How any of this connects to whoever stabbed Jan,

if it's Howard,

I just don't get this yet. OLIVER: Well, look,

we know that Tim threatened Howard with a gun

because his cat kept going into Tim's apartment.

What if‐‐ W‐w‐what if we s‐‐ PATAKI: Gang.

Might I offer up a notion here?

You're missing one very big thing.

Motive.

This was a crime of passion.

Tim Kono was drugged,

then shot.

Well, that requires premeditation.

Romantic fury. The desire to see someone suffer

before you blow their brains out!

‐ Huh. Okay, yeah... ‐ Interesting...

‐ Fascinating, but the cops are on this now,

and our track record is lousy. ‐ Sazz,

can I show you the suicide notes?

‐ Bring 'em on, hon.

‐ Uh,

I'd like to point out that when I offered to help,

everyone sent me home to get stabbed.

‐ Sazz is a stunt double, Jan.

I think she knows what she's talking about.

PATAKI: And here it is.

"I'm just tired of feeling lonely."

Might I offer that is not what you write to cover a suicide.

You use words like "I want to die."

This is an accidental confession

from a lovelorn murderer. OLIVER: I am riveted.

She's so the better you. ‐ So impressive.

‐ Oh, and what are these? Lookie here.

Cocktail glasses from the garbage the night of the murder?

[sniffs]

Oh, so Tim was just enjoying a nice, smooth bourbon

[sniffs] with his killer?

‐ We saw those. We just...

I think they made me thirsty.

‐ Yeah, I'll bet you a hunsky they come back positive

for the poison that killed Tim.

You find the person in love with Tim,

you've found your murderer.

‐ We never found any evidence that Tim was seeing anyone. I just don't get that.

‐ Well, that's because it involves an understanding of passion.

‐ Excuse me? ‐ Hey, no offense.

You're just not a guy who's ever let himself get swept away.

‐ Oh, that's true. ‐ Oh, who told you that? Cookie?

Because it turns out I can be very passionate with the right person.

‐ Oh! ‐ Oh, sorry!

‐ Okay, guys, I‐I‐I'm loving all this.

Really into it, but I'm currently homeless,

and the only way I'm gonna get my place back

is if I beat Bunny

at her own building meeting today.

‐ Yeah, and how are you gonna do that? ‐ Take back the story.

You know, she's doing this negative spin on everything,

but‐but we're the heroes of this building.

Before us, you could be killed in your own apartment,

and no one would know it.

‐ I can't leave Jan here alone. PATAKI: I'll keep watch for you, pal.

Just like the old days, right?

♪

‐ You go. I'm okay. [kiss]

[kissing]

[lobby chatter]

MABEL: Whoa. Look at all these cops. OSCAR: Yeah.

Nothing more calming after 10 years of lockup than your home swarming with blue.

‐ Yes, but this should make everyone feel good. The pros are on it now.

‐ And by pros, you mean the people who missed everything the amateurs found?

‐ There he is. Howard Morris.

I may hurt him.

Or at least speak to him firmly.

‐ That's the guy you think is a hardcore murderer?

Dude's covered in cat hair. BUNNY: Okay, people.

Mouths closed! Keisters down! [police radio chatter]

Lots to discuss!

First...

Tim Kono's death has now been ruled a homicide,

and, apparently, one of you jerk‐offs did it.

[murmuring]

Also, the tenants in 14C,

12E, and 10D

have violated our privacy and home

by making us all characters in a podcast.

‐ Yeah, a podcast, by the way,

that revealed a murderer in the building,

which I‐I'm sure the rest of you all appreciate.

And for any fans, I do have

some officially licensed

tie‐dye sweatshirts, uh...

if interested. And only 49.99.

[chattering] Somewhat reasonable, I think.

Very slimming, as you can see.

‐ I bought a 12‐pound brisket for a dinner party,

and now no one wants to come because we're the "murder building."

What am I supposed to do with my brisket now, Brazzos?

‐ [sighs] I mean, sandwiches?

‐ Is anyone else thinking how smart it would be

for the murderer to investigate the murder?

I'm talking about you, Whitey.

‐ Yeah, I think I'm getting that.

‐ I've had four clients cancel therapy this week

because they're afraid to come here.

That lost revenue is on you.

‐ My kids are too scared to sleep in their own rooms.

So now, I share my bed with people

who are actively shitting themselves.

‐ Well, sometimes you do have to make a mess to clean one up.

‐ Don't worry, folks. We're done.

[Oliver and Mabel whispering]

This is getting way too messy!

So, yes, the podcast

and the investigations are over.

All will be back to normal hopefully soon.

[indistinct] [applause]

I know‐‐ I'll talk about it later! ‐ You can't make that‐‐

‐ It's a little late for that.

As per the building's bylaws,

if eight or more tenants file complaints

against another tenant, they can be evicted.

We've already taken action on 10D,

but perhaps we should take a vote on 12E and 14C?

‐ Wait! What?

‐ You can't evict my aunt.

‐ No. Just you.

By a show of hands, who here thinks our building

would be better off without these three fuckwads?

‐ Hey! ‐ I, for one, am actually...

grateful to the fuckwads.

Their work might lead to my answer.

A toxicology report came back on my beloved cat,

and Evelyn was poisoned.

[tenants gasping]

With the same poison that killed Tim.

[murmuring] Mm‐hmm, mm‐hmm.

Furthermore,

one of Evelyn's legs was missing when I removed her from my freezer,

leading me to believe that the killer broke in

and tried to steal Evelyn's body

to cover his or her own tracks.

‐ Why would they just take a leg?

‐ Oh, Evelyn had some gams on her.

‐ Howard.

You've had six complaints

about noxious odors coming from your apartment.

So, if I were you,

I'd keep my head down and put your hand up.

‐ Don't you bully him, Bunny!

Enough with you and your New York co‐op power games.

‐ All in favor of evicting

all three members of Murder, She Wrote?

[murmuring]

Terrific! I'll start

the eviction process today.

The rest of you, if you're a murderer...

stop murdering!

♪

‐ You know what? It's all gonna be fine once we solve this case.

‐ Stop with the fucking case. OSCAR: Whoa, you know what?

I'm gonna run errands that are not in that elevator.

[lobby chatter]

‐ [sighs] Okay, everybody just take a breath.

Clearly, that didn't go well, but Oliver is right.

If we find the murderer, the board will have to reconsider‐‐

‐ You two won't stop.

My girlfriend's been stabbed. I'm losing my home now?

‐ Buddy, we feel terrible about Jan!

‐ We really do. And we shouldn't have dismissed her ideas.

‐ And can I tell you something? The comments from the fans

for her character have been surprisingly positive.

‐ You're not hearing me. I'm done!

I‐I‐I don't do dangerous things! That's why I have a stunt double!

I don't like getting hurt, and ever since you two have been in my life,

I'm surrounded by danger and pain!

‐ As opposed to nothing at all?

‐ Oh. It's mean Mabel,

who clearly has all the answers at 26. Please do share.

‐ Christ, Charles. Cut the kid a break.

‐ She's not a kid.

We only think she's a kid because we're old!

And we should've known bett‐‐

You should've known better, but you rushed into this podcast

headfirst, like you always do,

and you took two more bodies over the edge with you!

Splash 2!

An Oliver Putnam production!

‐ Well, that was mean.

A great callback, but incredibly mean.

‐ I want you,

and all of your things, out of my place.

All the evidence. I want out. I'm out.

Sorry, I'm not good at confrontation.

‐ Well, that was pretty good to me.

For the record, I'm 28.

[ding, elevator doors open]

♪

‐ I just want to take care of my injured girlfriend for my final days

in my home of 30 years.

Once my apartment is gone,

she'll be the only good thing in my life.

OLIVER: Oh mama.

‐ Charles. ‐ Of course.

It's happening again. Took you less than an hour‐‐

‐ I needed my bandage changed.

What did you think was happening?

‐ That.

‐ I get that Sazz pushes your buttons,

but you really thought I'd cheat on you?

‐ I think anyone great would cheat on me.

The truth is Sazz doubled me for sex scenes, too.

Apparently, my hip motions weren't natural,

which I'm sure you noted.

And I just thought, you know,

between that and the stabbing,

you had plenty of reasons to look elsewhere.

‐ I like your hip motions.

They're surprising. ‐ Then, uh,

why you packing your stuff?

‐ Because I have a big solo tomorrow night.

Stravinsky's Firebird is one of those rare pieces

in which a first chair bassoon

really gets to shine.

I'm just gonna stay at my place tonight.

‐ Think that's safe?

‐ I'm a New York broad who's been stabbed. I can handle shit.

‐ Yeah. Well, again,

I'm really sorry.

‐ I know.

I'm sorry you may be losing your place.

You know, there is something seriously wrong with Bunny.

Oh! Maybe Bunny is the killer,

and this is her way of stopping the investigation.

Oh my god, I can't stop.

‐ [laughs] I know the feeling.

Hey, would it be okay if I came to see you tomorrow?

I mean, after all, I'm dating the first chair bassoonist

for the Symphony, and I've never even seen you play.

‐ Oh, I don't know.

Maybe another time.

I‐I think it'd make me too nervous

knowing you were seeing me not at my best.

‐ Okay. Yeah, sure.

‐ Thanks.

I'll call you. ‐ Alright.

[door shuts]

♪ bassoon playing ♪

♪ playing continues ♪

♪ quiet playing ♪

[Oliver sighing]

[sniffs]

‐ Please don't do anything in there.

‐ It's gonna be hard.

It's a pretty arousing setup.

‐ Okay. Good night. [sighs]

[traffic noise]

‐ [inhales] Ow!

Oh dear lord.

[groans] This is gonna take a while.

[sighs, sniffs]

‐ [quietly] Morning.

‐ You look fancy.

‐ Got a hot date with a prematurely balding lawyer.

I figured innocent people tuck their shirts in, right?

‐ Got get 'em. ‐ I will.

I'll see you later. ‐ Okay.

[distant siren]

‐ See you, Ollie. ‐ Bye, Oscar. Good luck.

‐ Thanks. [Oliver sniffs]

[sighs] [door opens, shuts]

‐ Charles isn't done, by the way.

‐ He seemed pretty over it.

‐ I'm telling you. He's not done.

‐ The only way to fix all of this is to fucking solve this case.

That's how Tim gets justice, and we get to keep our apartments.

‐ And that's how I get the final episode of my dreams.

I‐I want this to be better than

the Jinx guy confessing in the pisser.

You know, I‐I've been thinking about...

Pataki's crime of passion thing.

And, you know, we should not presume

that a lover of Tim's is necessarily a woman.

Do you think his sex toys could reveal anything?

‐ Oh no. ‐ Like a...

[laughs]

Girl guy? Guy guy?

They them? They girl?

Guy them?

‐ Look, all I know is that it goes into a hole somewhere, so...

Okay, alright. Let's just start at the very beginning.

♪

I got in the elevator with these two weirdos,

and I was rocking this awesome yellow fur coat.

‐ Really popped on you, by the way. [elevator dings]

[doors rumbling]

‐ Then Tim got in the elevator

with this trash bag,

and he was on the phone talking about the package.

‐ We had that cool connection about your Beats.

Do you like your Beats?

‐ Anyway, um, Tim got out of the elevator with this trash bag.

♪

Oliver?

The trash bag that Tim had in the elevator

has blue straps.

‐ So?

‐ But all the trash bags I got from his apartment

when I took all of his stuff have orange straps.

‐ W‐‐ So, that wasn't his trash?

Why would he have someone else's trash?

♪

Was he taking out his lover's trash?

‐ You know who we haven't interviewed yet?

Tim's next door neighbor.

‐ Ndidi!

‐ She might know if he was seeing someone.

‐ Absolutely! That's brilliant!

[sizzling]

[scraping] [knocking at door]

Hey, buddy. Checking in on you.

‐ Very thoughtful. Come on in.

[shuts door] ‐ Just wanted to give you

and your lady some space last night.

I'm so sorry I upset you.

I would never make a move on your girlfriend.

[grinding pepper]

Again.

‐ Thanks so much. ‐ Ah!

And the truth about Cookie is,

I, once again, am taking the hit for you. [laughs]

That which can be stolen...

can be stolen.

She left me.

After 20 years, man.

She left me for another guy.

‐ Well,

I'm sorry.

‐ I don't know how it happened! I tried to keep it interesting, but...

Who can keep up with all the new stuff, you know?

After 20 years.

Mm. Did you see it coming when Cookie left you?

‐ No.

I did not.

‐ [sighs] I shouldn't be leaning on you about this,

but honestly,

this is why I came.

We both deserve someone...

just like Jan.

You know?

You going to her concert tonight?

‐ Uh, no. She asked me not to come.

I think, um...

I think she might be pulling away.

[puts down cutlery] I know you, Charles.

That's why gender never prevented me from doubling for you.

Even in the hot tub and the sex scenes.

‐ I thought that was mostly build and hair.

‐ Twenty years I spent mirroring you.

Getting down your mannerisms,

your gait,

your speech patterns.

But one thing I could never get about you

is how someone as wonderful as you

could think so little of himself.

I could never understand it.

This is the girl for you, pal.

I felt it the moment I walked into the room yesterday.

And she's got a very big first chair bassoon moment tonight,

and here you are,

in the apartment, with your creaky‐kneed stunt double,

and your sad little melancholy omelet.

♪

‐ You know what? I think I can just make it.

‐ Oh, attaboy!

Comeback kid! We are so gonna get Tarantino'd!

[knocking]

‐ Hi, Mrs. Idoko. I‐I'm sorry to disturb you.

I know we're not exactly popular right now, but, um‐‐

‐ I don't care.

You're clearly better at this than the police.

‐ Is there anything that you could tell us about Tim, Ms. Idoko?

Did you see someone come in and out?

‐ No, I never saw anyone but,

we certainly heard a late night visitor.

A loud one.

‐ Sex! You mean sex!

‐ Tim was seeing someone?

‐ Oh yes, but I‐I never saw her though.

‐ But it was a woman? ‐ Oh yes.

I never heard a woman scream like that.

I hated Tim Kono, but oof.

That man knew what he was doing.

[Oliver growls]

[auditorium chatter] [instruments warming up]

‐ I can't believe we never found anything that pointed to a girlfriend.

‐ I mean, besides that first engagement ring.

‐ Maybe we've been following the wrong ring this whole time?

‐ I don't know why I feel compelled to know what these things are for.

But maybe, it will give us a better picture of who she is.

‐ This one tells me that she...

likes pretending she's a cat?

[Oliver laughs] I don't know, what is this?

‐ No, I remember this one.

It's... Yeah! Yeah! [whipping, thud]

"Exotic Instruments."

Somebody young look that up.

[symphony warming up]

[audience chatter]

‐ You look excited.

‐ I'm here to see my girlfriend.

‐ Oh. Me, too.

‐ Mine's a prodigy. ‐ [laughs] Oh good.

[applause]

[applause dies down]

‐ Tonight, we break custom, for very good reason,

with this evening's Stravinsky piece,

to give special mention to our soloist,

the youngest

first chair bassoonist in our symphony's history.

Ms. Allison Tipton.

[applause]

♪

‐ That's her. That's my girlfriend.

[applause continues]

[loud cheering]

MABEL: That's so weird.

Exotic instruments doesn't sell sex toys.

It sells musical instruments.

‐ Really? ‐ Oliver...

Why is there a bassoon cleaner in Tim's sex toy box?

♪

[auditorium chatter] [symphony warming up]

♪

♪

[fanfare]