All language subtitles for How.i.met.your.mother.S07E02.LOL.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.NET

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Oh, God, guys, I'm
still really hungover.

Did I really
ruin a wedding?

No, you didn't ruin
a wedding.

Just the reception.

And the bar mitzvah next door.

And my dress.

And your dress. You put on
a dress at one point.

Okay, you know what,
that's it.

I'm about to be a dad,
and I want to be

the kind of man that my
child can look up to.

So, sweeping declaration--

I am never getting drunk again
as long as I live.

(laughter)
I'm serious.

NARRATOR: Kids, it's not that
your Uncle Marshall

had a drinking problem.

But whenever he made a sweeping
declaration like that,

you pretty much knew...

(slurred):
I did it again.

But I'm getting ahead
of myself.

What happened
to your leg?

Oh, nothing.

I'm meeting Nora
for coffee.

She's still mad at me, so
I need some sympathy points.

She likes musicals,
so I'm going

to tell her I fell off the stage

during a performance
of Man of La Mancha.

What do you think?

Lose the cast.

A one-man show-- I like it!

Just so we're clear--

this woman is mad at you
because you lied to her.

So your solution is to pretend
you broke your leg?

You're right.

A neck brace.
Thanks, Lil.

Man, I wish I'd have talked
to you sooner.

I've been practicing
with these crutches all day

and whoever left them
in my lobby

probably really
needs 'em.

Well, uh, I have
some good news.

As you all know, I recently
decided to get back out there

and start dating again.
And, uh, well...

Is this you?

Uh, yeah. Hi.

I'm Ted.

- Hi.
- Hi.

That's great, Ted.

Yeah. Yeah, it was a moment
of pure destiny.

The kind you just
can't manufacture.

Or so I thought.

Oh, no.
How did I get on there?

Hi. Ted Mosby.

Guilty.

Hi. Ted Mosby.

That is embarrassing.

I should be on the cover of
Egg On My Face magazine.

But I'm not.

I'm on the cover of this one.

Hi. Ted Mosby.

16 moments of pure destiny

in one day,
and of those 16,

ten were single.

Of those ten,
seven liked what they saw.

Of those seven,

four were women.

Of those four,

two gave me their real number.

And I have a date
with both of them.

Okay.
(phone ringing)

Guys,

it's Garrison Cootes.

Kids, Garrison Cootes
was a senior partner

at Honeywell & Cootes.

One of the biggest
environmental law firms

in America.

Marshall would have given
anything to work there.

If I don't get this job,
I might end up working

at, like, a Taco Bell somewhere.

And nobody wants that.

Or maybe you guys want that,
because you'll get free tacos,

'cause your my peeps.

But right now I need
all of you to calm down!

(phone ringing)

(with British accent):
Hello.

Marshall, this is
Garrison Cootes.

Sorry I didn't get back
to you sooner,

but I've just been swamped.

(laughing)

Which is funny,
'cause I'm literally

standing in a swamp.

(nervous chuckle)

Anyway, I'm just out here,
I'm just collecting some samples

for this pollution case
we're working on.

I love the work you guys do.
That's a croc...

No, I mean it.

No, no, there's a crocodile
about five feet away from me.

So I'm just going to ignore

the hot urine filling
my waders as we speak,

and tell you that
we're very interested.

He's interested.

Obviously we have
to do some sort

of credit check, you know,
a criminal record

and Google search, but as long
as nothing unseemly turns up,

you're good to go, man.

That is fantastic, Mr. Cootes!

Well, I gotta run.

(laughing)

This is so funny,

because, actually, I physically
have to run now.

- Croc saw you?
- He's advancing, yeah.

♪ How I Met Your Mother 7x02 ♪
The Naked Truth
Original Air Date on September 19, 2011

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

NARRATOR: The next night,
Barney met Nora for coffee.

Thankfully, without
the ridiculous leg cast.

Hey, Nora, thanks
for meeting me here.

What happened to your neck?

My wha...? Oh, it's nothing.

I was performing in
a one-man show of Fiddler.

There was this roof.

Wow, that one has
fantastic ta-tas.

What, where?

Oh... Oh, damn it.

Ta-ta.

Wait, Nora, wait...
No, look, please don't.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

What is the matter with you?

What kind of person
needs to lie like that.

A person who really,
really likes you.

And suspects,
probably accurately,

that you're way
out of his league,

and so he feels the need to...

I'm sorry, you were kidding

about the fantastic
ta-tas, right?

'Cause I'm looking around
and I do not see 'em...

(groans)

I just had two
back-to-back dates.

That's right,
two lovely ladies,

four large cappuccinos,
and... one sec.

(toilet flushing)

And I don't know which
date was more awesome.

Let's meet the girls.

TED:
Jessica is a Rhodes scholar.

She's traveled
all over the world.

Speaks four languages,
is a concert pianist.

And Claire reached
for the check.

So I don't know.

It's a squeaker.

I mean, both
of these girls

have the potential to be
something really special.

They both move
on to the next round.

Wait a minute.

You're going to date
two girls at once?

Don't you think you should
just choose one

before it gets serious?

Define serious.

Well, that's complicated.

I guess you have to weigh
expectations,

emotional investments...

Third base.

Seriously, third base.

So I can go to second base with
both of these girls, no problem?

Oh, honk away, my friend.
Yeah, honk away.

Oh, no.

NARRATOR: Ever since Mr. Cootes mentioned
the background check,

Marshall had been
scouring the Internet.

Most of what he found
was pretty harmless.

In some cases,
really awesome, until...

Not good.

This-- this is not good.

Thanks, Stacy.

Wesleyan has a new cafeteria,

thanks to the generous
endowment from--

Oh, ho-ho!

Did somebody say
generous endowment?

I'm Marshall Eriksen, but you
can call me Beercules!

(growling and laughing)

Well, that could
be anybody.

Oh, man, I forgot
about Beercules.

Who made this
Web site anyway?

- Pete Durkenson.
- Of course.

Is that the guy who convinced
you to run across campus naked?

I was pledging his frat,

which I gave up on
after three days,

because frats are stupid
and elitist

and also I found out
he wasn't in a frat.

Oh, my God.

This is awesome.

I just got invited
to the Architects' Ball,

the annual gala that honors
the city's greatest architects.

Oh, no, you guys see
why this sucks, right?

Because it's an annual gala

honoring the city's
greatest architects?

Robin, this is the social event
of the year.

You take a girl
to the Architects' Ball,

brother, you're going
to third base.

Whichever girl

I take as my date,

she will be
Miss Ted Mosby's girlfriend

by the end of the night.

Okay, no more sitting
on the fence.

Robin, get me my legal pad.

It's pros and cons time!

(cheering)

NARRATOR:
And kids, they really cheered.

Let me make one thing
very clear to you.

I don't date guys who lie to me.

Well, see, I did not
know that.

My bad.

So, from here on in,
no more lies.

I will never lie
to you again.

I'm serious. Ask me anything.

Okay.

Have you ever successfully

gotten a woman in bed
by lying to her?

Have I ever...

If I'm being totally honest...

Yes.

More than once?

More than once...

Wow, that's...

(clicking tongue)

I guess if we're
splitting hairs,

then, technically...
there was a plurality

to the times I've lied to women
for sex having purposes.

What were they?

Nines and tens mostly.

There was a four once.

She was a slump buster.

But, Nora, after that, I had a
run that you would not believe.

Man, honesty feels good.

What were the lies?

You want me to tell you every
lie I've ever told a woman

to get her into bed?

A bed or any other place
you had sex with her.

Oh, you're good.

(chuckles)

Pete, Pete. Hey.

Beercules!

Bring it in, dude.

(exhales heavily) Hey, I've been
trying to call you,

like, all night.

Oh, my God, sorry.

I would have answered,
but it is Tuesday night.

It's Sunday.

And you know what that means.

"Edward Forty Hands."

NARRATOR:
Kids, "Edward Forty Hands"

is a game that involves taping
two 40-ounce bottles

of malt liquor to your hands.

The object is to finish
both bottle--

Oh, my God, why am
I telling you this?

Let's move on.

Okay, you know that old video
of me streaking?

I watch it every day.

Well, I need you to take it down
off the Internet.

Like, right now.

There are two ways
that can happen.

One, you can give me
$4 million,

or... you can help me
go to the bathroom,

because I... I can't...

Yeah, those are two
non-negotiable no's.

Well, I'm sorry we could not
do business together.

But if you'll excuse me,

I'm in the middle of a game
of "Edward Forty Hands,"

and the competition is fierce.

Who are you
playing with, anyway?

Just myself.

Meanwhile, Barney continued
listing every lie

he'd ever told to get laid.

There's no time to explain
how I got bit there.

I just need someone
to suck the poison out.

The surgeons gave me a new face,

honey.

Aren't you relieved I'm alive?

Me llamo David Beckham.

(with foreign accent): If I were
only casting The White Swan

the role would be yours.

(deep voice):
No, I am a lesbian.

This thing that I'm wearing
is just really lifelike.

Okay, let's skip ahead.

What's the worst one?

The lowest of the low?

The creme de la creepy?

Uh... Oh, I once pulled
The Soul Man.

There was this beautiful girl
who only dated black guys...

Barnell!
Ooh, I knew it!

I can't decide.

They're both awesome.

If only architects had
two balls, right, Ted?

I got this.

Ted, left or right?

Yes, yes, great idea.

Let the fates decide, huh?

I will pick left.

Just call one of 'em.

Ugh!

Ted, deep in your heart,

you know that you
kind of like one

more than the other.

Trust me-- take the other.

Um, maybe I haven't
been clear: this is...

the Architects'
Ball, Robin.

It's a star-studded event.

Okay, name one celebrity
who's gonna be there.

Uh... Lenny Kravitz.

Lenny Kravitz is gonna be there?

Yeah.
He's there every year.

And that guy's a rock star.

You know, Ted,
I've been thinking--

it's too soon to narrow it down
between these two girls.

Just take a friend.

Like I... I don't know,
maybe, uh, a friend

who had a poster of
Lenny Kravitz on her wall,

and may or may not
have, perhaps,

dated that poster, on and off,
throughout high school.

This pros and cons list
isn't cutting it.

I need a color chart.

ALL (chanting):
Color chart! Color chart!

NARRATOR: And, kids,
we all really chanted.

Pete, please.

I'm unemployed.

I have a huge mortgage.

I have a baby on the way.

And now, I'm about
to lose a job I really need

because of a 15-year-old prank!

Ugh! Do you hear yourself?

Beercules, what happened?

You're like a different person.

The guy in that video
was awesome.

He had potential.

He could have been president of
the frat one day.

There was no frat!

Now he's just a bummer.

It's not like I want
to be a bummer.

I just... I have to be.

I'm gonna be a dad.

You'll have kids someday.

You'll understand.

Dude, I have four kids.

Pete, please take
the video down.

All right, Beercules,
I'll take the video down.

If...

you can best me in
a game of my own choosing.

Oh, no...

And I select the beautiful game,

the sweet science...

Pete, please,
I'm so hungover...

...the sport of kings...

I don't want to play
"Edward Forty Hands."

I was gonna say darts--

but "Edward Forty
Hands" it is!

And that concludes all
the space-related lies.

Let's move on to
the world of sports.

Oh, wait, sorry-- I just thought
of another space one.

"I've been bitten
by a moon snake.

You need to suck all the
space poison out of my--"

Okay, Barney, uh,

I have to be at work
tomorrow at 8:00,

which means I have
just about enough time

to sit in a shower for 11 hours,
hugging myself.

So this was fun.

Can I call you, or...?

Barney, you're funny, handsome

and really quite clever.

But you're also a sociopath.

Well, I count three pros
and one con, so...

How do you still think
you have a chance with me?

Because you sat
here all night.

You could've left right
away, but you didn't.

Look, Nora, all those lies--
that's the old me.

But I swear to you,
I am trying to change.

You... make me want to change.

How do I know that's not a lie?

I'll prove it.

I will prove how serious I am.

I will not leave this diner

until I get
a second date with you.

Good-bye, Barney.

I'm not kidding.

This is a 24-hour diner.

I'll stay here forever,
if I have to-- and I will!

Just water for me. Thanks.

Okay, so red indicates
level of attractiveness,

blue--
intellectual stimulation,

green-- emotional connection,

yellow-- compatibility
of life goals,

and purple-- whether or not
she reached for the check.

Well, it looks like
Jessica's ahead

in the first
four categories.

(sighs heavily)

Did not reach for the check...

Oh, this?

(wry laugh)

No big deal. This...

This cost three
months rent,

and, uh, I've never
gotten to wear it,

because I bought it for that big
event that you invited me to,

which then fell through.

But, you know what?

Don't feel guilty about that.

What big event?

That thing with your uncle.

His funeral?

It didn't fall through,

he miraculously
came out of a coma.

And I forgive you.

Now, can I please
meet Lenny Kravitz?

(door opening)

(slurred):
I did it again!

Aw, honey.

You got drunk again.

I can't believe
I took the over.

Just to be clear, "I did it
again" is not a reference...

to my current state of
inebriation.

What's it a reference to?

My name is Marshall Eriksen.

(on YouTube):
I'm 33 years old.

And if my potential future
employer, Garrison Cootes,

is watching this...

bow down to Beercules!

(hearty, drunken laughter)

Well, that could
be anybody.

(moans)

(phone vibrating)

Oh, goodness.

(voicemail beeps)
Pete, this is Lily Aldrin.

I'm gonna make this real simple:

You're gonna take down
that video of Marshall.

You know why?

Because I'm friends with three
girls who dated you in college,

and girls
tell each other everything.

Every tiny detail.

Huh. So...

tick-tock, Pete-- tick-tock goes
the little wee-wee clock.

Pete's got a little wee-wee?

No idea.
What's everyone getting?

This was bound to
happen eventually.

I've been trying so hard
to suppress, like,

my carefree idiot side,

that it just rebelled
and came out swingin'!

It sure did.

MARSHALL (on video):
Look at me! I'm a windmill!

Who am I kidding?
I'm not ready to be a dad.

I thought that I was,
but it's, like...

my dad never did stuff
like that, you know?

So what if he did?

You'd still love him.

And be honest-- wouldn't you
love to stumble onto a video

of him running down
the street naked, yelling,

"Hey, Marshall, look at me!

I got an icicle on my deal!"

(Barney groans)

Oh! Hey, guys!

Ow! My neck!

Uh... oh! Hey!

Look at that.

Barney, what are
you doing here?

Oh, I told Nora I wouldn't leave
until she gave me a second date,

and I mean it.

I've already been here
nine hours.

I still need
another minute.

I mean... call me crazy, but

I'm gonna stay here until
I get that girl back.

That-- that's
what I want.

The way Barney
feels about Nora--

I want that feeling again.

I don't want to be choosing
between two girls,

I want to be... a complete
head-over-heels idiot for one.

Yeah, the complete
head-over-heels idiot thing's

pretty nice.

It's not bad.

Although, for the record--

sweeping declaration!--

I am never getting
drunk again.

(laughing)

NARRATOR:
And sure enough...

All hail Beercules!

(laughing)

Yeah!

NARRATOR: But, again,
I'm getting ahead of myself.

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Marshall! Garrison Cootes.

Yes, Mr. Cootes.

Hi. How are you?

I just wanted to let you know,
we did the background check,

and that is
some disturbing streaking.

Sir, th-th-the thing is, um...

The rainbow streaking
in this sample

is definitely
from chemical runoff.

Oh, I... (stammers)

Bottom line-- we'd love to have
you on board.

That is fantastic!

Thank you, Mr. Cootes!

Well, you're welcome.

And-- oh, and when
you're at the office,

try to wear some clothes,
okay, Beercules?

(laughing)

Wow! That's a big snake.

Oh, there's
a snake in the swamp?

No, I'm talking about
your penis.

See you tomorrow.

I got the job.

Yay!

And I think that my boss
already sexually harassed me.

But he saw the video
and he doesn't care!

See that? Maybe Beercules
isn't so bad after all.

Yeah.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Hey, Marshall,
my name is Pete Durkenson.

We went to Wesleyan together.

Yeah, no, I know.

Pete, we... we just
hung out yesterday.

All right, now Lily's message
makes a little more sense.

Listen, don't worry, bro,
I'm gonna take down the video.

You know what?

Leave it up.

Whatever you say, Beercules.

Scalpel.

You know what?
This is good.

I want our kid to see
every side of who I am.

Yeah.

Even the side that runs through

the East Village hangin' brain.

I'm gonna call Pete back.

That's a good idea.

NARRATOR: That evening, I took
Robin to the Architects' Ball.

Thanks again for
taking me to this.

Mm. My pleasure.

And, you know, you might
find it interesting.

Some of these guys represent the
living history of New York--

Yeah, yeah.
Where's Lenny Kravitz?

Right there.

Leonard Kravitz,
world-renowned architect.

Guy's a rock star.

He's gonna be
giving his famous

90-minute lecture
on crossbeams.

Well, great.

I'm gonna go find one
and hang myself from it.

Okay.

NARRATOR: Kids, you can't talk
yourself into falling in love.

It doesn't take days
of deliberation.

When it's real,
you know pretty quickly,

and with absolute certainty.

I had forgotten that.

But I was about to be reminded.

♪ Victoria ♪

♪ Victoria... ♪

== sync, corrected by elderman ==