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WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

HE FINALLY MADE IT.

WELL, HE WAS PRETTY FAR AWAY WHEN IT HAPPENED,

EUROPE OR SOMEPLACE LIKE THAT.

THAT'S HIS STORY.

YEAH.

I GUESS WE'D BETTER GO DOWN AND SAY HELLO.

NOT ME!

HE IS OUR FATHER.

I'M NEVER GONNA SAY HELLO TO HIM. GOODBYE, MAYBE.

OH, COME ON. MOTHER WOULD HAVE WANTED US TO.

WE DON'T HAVE NO MOTHER! SHE'S DEAD.

OH, SHUT UP.

YOU GIVE ME THE CREEPS!

OUR MOTHER'S DEAD!

LET'S GO DOWN. WE'LL LEAVE LITTLE FRANKENSTEIN HERE.

SHE IS, TOO!

OH, SHUT UP.

BE QUIET.

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ I HATE EVERYBODY

♪ I HATE EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

I BOUGHT IT FROM A SHORT, FAT FELLOW IN MUNICH.

HE ASSURED ME IT WAS SIMPLE TO DO.

HEY, COME ON. JUMP. COME ON.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO JUMP, YOU SEE.

ALL RIGHT, TOM.

MOTHER AND I MUST BE GETTING HOME.

MANY ARRANGEMENTS HAVE TO BE MADE,

AND BESIDES, THE CHILDREN HAVE ENOUGH TOYS.

I BOUGHT THIS ONE FOR ME.

YOU KNOW ALICE DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO INSURE THE CAR

BEFORE THAT TERRIBLE ACCIDENT.

SHE WAS AS HAPHAZARD ABOUT THAT

AS SHE WAS ABOUT CHOOSING HER HUSBAND.

YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY.

I WILL TAKE ON THE ADDITIONAL FINANCIAL BURDEN.

I PREFER TO WORRY.

AS LONG AS YOU'RE A GUEST IN MY HOUSE,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE SOME MANNERS.

HELLO, ROBERT, OLD MAN.

I'M NOT AN OLD MAN.

HE'S GETTING THERE.

TOM, THAT'S A DARLING THING.

IS THAT HOW IT WORKS?

AUNT CAROLYN, YOU'RE FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

THANK YOU, DEAR. I THINK THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO DO THAT.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PULL THE SWITCH.

THE CHILDREN SEEM TO BE REASONABLY HAPPY

WITH OUR SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

I KNOW THE DIVORCE WASN'T FINAL,

BUT WE'RE BOTH LAWYERS,

AND THERE SHOULDN'T BE ANY DIFFICULTY

TO MAKE THE MATTER OF CUSTODY PERMANENT.

CAROLYN, WHERE'S YOUR HUSBAND?

JOHN IS OUT, FATHER.

WHEN IS HE EVER IN?

BOTH OF MY DAUGHTERS MADE THE WISEST CHOICES.

TOM, MOTHER AND I ARE GOING TO TAKE ELIZABETH

TO LIVE WITH US.

AND CAROLYN AND HER HUSBAND WHAT'S-HIS-NAME

ARE GOING TO TAKE THE BOYS.

IT'LL BE WONDERFUL FOR THE BOYS, TOM.

I'M MOVING THE GUEST HOUSE OFF THE PROPERTY

AND PUTTING IN A SWIMMING POOL FOR THEM.

THEY'VE BEEN HELPING PLAN IT.

IS THAT O.K. WITH YOU?

SURE. IT'S A REAL BLAST HERE.

WE GOT A TENNIS COURT, HORSES, THE RIVER.

I'LL BE LIVING DOWN THE ROAD.

I CAN COME OVER ANY TIME.

WELL, HOW ABOUT YOU?

I DON'T CARE WHERE I LIVE.

WELL, IT HAPPENS THAT I CARE.

I DON'T WANT MY KIDS PARCELED OUT LIKE CABBAGES.

THEY DON'T PARCEL OUT CABBAGES.

THEY'RE SOLD IN CARLOAD LOTS.

AND SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BECOME SO INTERESTED

IN YOUR CHILDREN?

HOW LONG WERE YOU AND ALICE SEPARATED, THREE YEARS, FOUR?

WHEN DID YOU SEE YOUR CHILDREN,

OCCASIONALLY ON A WEEKEND?

YOU KNOW MY GOVERNMENT JOB--

YOUR JOB IS MORE IMPORTANT TO YOU THAN YOUR CHILDREN?

WILLIAM!

YOU MAY SIGN THE CUSTODY AGREEMENT

IN MY OFFICE IN THE MORNING.

ELIZABETH, DEAR, IT'S GETTING LATE.

ALL YOUR THINGS ARE IN THE CAR.

WE'D BETTER GO HOME NOW, DEAR.

O.K., GRAMPS. SEE YOU IN THE MORNING.

I'LL COME OVER LOTS OF TIMES.

IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

O.K.

BYE-BYE, SWEETIE.

SEE YOU TOMORROW, AUNT CAROLYN.

GOODBYE.

OH, NOW, ELIZABETH, REALLY.

HE IS YOUR FATHER.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE HIM A KISS?

OH, SURE.

NOW, NOW, WAIT.

GET YOUR THINGS OUT OF THAT BLACK MARIA OUTSIDE

AND HAVE THEM PUT IN THE JEEP.

AND YOU TWO, GET YOUR CLOTHES TOGETHER.

YOU'RE ALL COMING INTO WASHINGTON WITH ME.

WE'RE STAYING WITH AUNT CAROLYN.

CAN HE DO THAT?

YOU BET YOUR SWEET LIFE I CAN.

NOW SEE HERE--

NOW DON'T YOU WORRY. YOU WON'T MISS THEM.

I'LL SEND YOU A CARLOAD OF CABBAGES.

REMEMBER, YOU'RE STILL UNDER MY JURISDICTION,

SO GET YOUR THINGS.

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU OUTSIDE.

CAROLYN, I--

WHAT SHOULD WE DO?

WHAT CAN WE DO?

HE'S GOT THE LAW ON HIS SIDE.

WE'LL HAVE TO GO WITH HIM.

HE AIN'T GOING TO LIKE IT.

TOM.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO PUT THE CHILDREN?

I STILL HAVE MY FLAT IN WASHINGTON.

IT'S A LITTLE SMALL, BUT...

WE DON'T HAVE TO GET RID OF THE GUEST HOUSE

IF YOU ALL WANTED TO STAY HERE.

HOW ARE YOU AND JOHN GETTING ALONG THESE DAYS?

WELL...

IT'S ONE OF THOSE MODERN MARRIAGES...

ELECTRIC BLANKETS AND EVERYTHING.

[HARMONICA PLAYS]I'M SORRY.

THAT'S ROBERT'S HARMONICA.

YOU'LL GET TO KNOW IT WELL. IT'S RECENT.

DAVID'S BECOMING A PROBLEM, TOO.

HE'S BEEN... TAKING THINGS.

WHAT?

AND ELIZABETH CAN'T SLEEP NIGHTS.

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO LEARN TO BE A FATHER

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS?

I'LL JUST GET A BOOKLET

FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE.

CONGRATULATIONS, MOTHER GOOSE.

I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.

GOOD LUCK, TOM.

THANK YOU, CAROLYN.

[THUNDER]

HOME, SWEET HOME!

OH, BROTHER. SING SING!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

YOU TOLD ME YOU ONLY NEEDED MY JEEP A FEW HOURS.

SORRY, A FEW PROBLEMS CAME UP--

ROBERT.

HI. HI.

ELIZABETH, AND DAVID.

THIS IS CAPTAIN ALAN WILSON.

THEY'RE LIVING WITH ME.

IN THAT RABBIT HUTCH UPSTAIRS?

YES. I WONDER IF YOU AND YOUR WIFE

COULD HELP ME GET A MAID.

A MAID IN WASHINGTON?

THE ONLY WAY TO GET HELP IN THIS TOWN IS TO ELECT 'EM.

BUT WE'LL TRY.

IT'S STARTING TO RAIN.

COME ON, COME ON.

I HOPE IT'LL CLEAR UP.

I'M GOING TO SHOW THEM ALL OF WASHINGTON TOMORROW.

YOU KIDS ARE GOING TO HAVE QUITE A HOLIDAY.

HOLIDAY. BE MORE OF A KIDNAPPING.

COME ON--HOLD IT NOW. COME ON.

[THUNDER]

ELIZABETH?

NOW WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I'M AFRAID.

WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

LISTEN TO WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE,

AND I'M ALL ALONE IN THAT ROOM.

YOU'RE LUCKY. LOOK AT US.

LOOK AT US IN THIS BARRACKS.

BUT YOU'RE TOGETHER.

ONLY IN BODY.

COME ON, BACK TO BED.

LIE DOWN.

COME ON, DARLING.

THAT'S RIGHT.

[THUNDER]

TAKE IT EASY.

REMEMBER WHAT I USED TO TELL YOU?

THUNDER IS NOTHING MORE THAN TWO BODIES OF AIR

COMING TOGETHER AFTER AN ELECTRICAL DISTURBANCE.

YOU GOT IT?

GOT IT.

GOOD.

BUT I'M STILL WORRIED.

SO AM I.

[HARMONICA PLAYS]

WHAT IN THE BLAZES IS THAT?

[OFF-KEY NOTES]

[SILENCE]

[HARMONICA PLAYS]

ISN'T THAT WONDERFUL?

LET'S ENJOY THE DAY.

THAT'S THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT.

THAT'S 555 FEET HIGH.

IT'S DEDICATED, OF COURSE,

TO THE MEMORY OF GEORGE WASHINGTON.

HE DIED DECEMBER 14, 1799.

AND OVER THERE IS THE MEMORIAL TO THOMAS JEFFERSON.

HE WAS THE THIRD PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

HE DIED, I THINK, ON JULY 4, 8--

COURSE, THAT'S ONE OF THE MOST STRIKING EXAMPLES OF--

HEY, ROBERT.

ROBERT.

ROBERT, YOU OUGHT TO PAY ATTENTION.

YOU'RE GETTING A FREE SIGHTSEEING TOUR

OF ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL CITIES IN THE WORLD.

DO YOU HAVE TO TALK ABOUT DEAD PEOPLE ALL THE TIME?

THERE'S NOTHING IN THIS WHOLE CITY BUT DEAD PEOPLE.

I WANT TO GO BACK TO AUNT CAROLYN.

NO MORE MONUMENTS.

TONIGHT WE'LL GO TO THE WATERGATE CONCERT BY THE RIVER.

AND THIS AFTERNOON, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE NATIONAL MUSEUM.

YOU WILL LOVE THAT.

WHAT'S IN A MUSEUM?

DEAD PEOPLE. COME ON.

COME ON.

WHERE YOU GOING TO DRAG US NOW?

HOW ABOUT SOME ICE CREAM?

GOOD IDEA.

DON'T TELL ME I HAD A GOOD IDEA AT LAST.

WHEW!

IS MY MOTHER IN A MUSEUM?

NO.

GOOD.

[ORCHESTRA PLAYS]

I GOT THAT CHAIR!

IT'S MINE!

[ARGUING]

FELLAS, CUT IT OUT. COME ON.

♪ IL VINCITOR

♪ NELLA VITA, NELL'AMOR ♪

♪ FA SEMPRE CON'ABING, BANG, BONG! ♪

♪ BING, BANG, BONG!

♪ BING, BANG, BONG!

♪ PRESTO, PRESTO, DO YOUR VERY BEST-O ♪

♪ DON'T HANG BACK LIKE A SHY LITTLE KID ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE SO GLAD THAT YOU DID WHAT YOU DID ♪

♪ IF YOU DO IT WITH A BING, BANG, BONG! ♪

♪ A BING, BANG-- ♪

[HARMONICA PLAYS]

SHH.

[PLAYING ALONG WITH ORCHESTRA]

ROBERT.

SHH. SHH!

COME ON.

ROBERT, BE QUIET.

GIVE ME THAT THING!

ROBERT WINTERS, YOUR FATHER IS LOOKING FOR YOU.

COME TO THE PARKING AREA.

ROBERT WINTERS.

ROBERT WINTERS, COME TO THE PARKING AREA IMMEDIATELY.

AND WHAT A DELIGHTFUL CONCERT!

YOU'RE SO KIND. HAVE YOU MET MY DAUGHTER? CINZIA.

YES? HOW DO YOU DO?

DELIGHTED, MY DEAR.

YOU MUST BE HAVING THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE.

ALL AMERICA AT YOUR FEET.

AT MY FATHER'S FEET.

IT'S THE SAME THING.

OF COURSE.

I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO YOU, SIGNORE ZACCARDI.

BY ALL MEANS. WOULD YOU COME IN HERE?

PARECE MUY CANSADA, SENORITA.

GUSTA BEBER UN POCO DE CHAMPAGNE?

MILLE GRACIAS.

IT'S ALL SETTLED.

YOUR FATHER HAS AGREED.

YOU'LL ALL COME TO MY PLACE FOR A COZY SUPPER.

OH, ABOUT 40 OR 50 OF THE BEST PEOPLE.

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME? I'VE GOT A TERRIBLE HEADACHE.

SHE HASN'T BEEN FEELING WELL.

CINZIA.

YES. I DO NOT HAVE A HEADACHE.

YOU KNOW WHO THIS WOMAN IS? THE BOSTON SYMPHONY.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BOOK YOUR FATHER--

"WE'LL HAVE A COZY SUPPER.

JUST 40 OR 50 OF THE BEST PEOPLE."

I'M TIRED OF THE BEST PEOPLE.

I WISH I COULD MEET SOME OF THE WORST PEOPLE!

PAPA, ONE NIGHT. LET ME HAVE TONIGHT ALONE.

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE AMERICA

WITHOUT HAVING MET AN AMERICAN.

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH A GIRL LIKE THIS?

I'M NOT A RICH MAN. THE BEST SCHOOLS IN SWITZERLAND FOR HER.

LAST MONTH, SHE CLIMBS OUT OF A WINDOW AND RUNS AWAY!

ONE NIGHT WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT STRAVINSKY OR ROSSINI

OR YOU CONDUCTING AT LA SCALA AT THE AGE OF 14.

AND I AM ALREADY 22,

AND I HAVEN'T YET GIVEN MY FIRST PERFORMANCE FOR A MAN, ANY MAN!

AAH!

!¡PERDON!

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

GO AHEAD! HAVE A DAUGHTER.

SEE WHAT HAPPENS?

SEE?

YOU WILL COME TO THE SUPPER WITH US. YOU UNDERSTAND?

YOU HAVE NOT EATEN ALL DAY.

WITHOUT FOOD, EVERYTHING IS DISCORD.

I KNOW.

A STARVING ORCHESTRA I HAD TONIGHT.

WASH YOUR FACE. COMPOSE YOURSELF.

WE WILL WAIT.

WAIT.

IS THIS YOUR BOAT?

OH!

NO. UH...

I WILL PAY YOU.

AS SOON AS I GET SOME MONEY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO. IT'S NOT MY BOAT, EITHER.

OH.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

OVER THERE, WHERE THE MUSIC IS.

GOOD. THAT'S WHERE I'M GOING, TOO.

[BIG BAND SWING MUSIC PLAYS]

WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME, LITTLE BOY?

IT'S LATE.

SHOO, SHOO. GO HOME!

GO HOME!

HOT PIZZA HERE, 25 CENTS.

GET YOUR HOT PIZZA HERE.

25 CENTS.

GET YOUR HOT PIZZA HERE.

25 CENTS.

HEY, HOT PIZZA HERE.

WE GOT SOME HOT PIZZA HERE. 25 CENTS.

HEY, HOT PIZZA HERE.

WE GOT HOT PIZZA HERE.

MY FRIEND?

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SHOW YOU HOW TO EAT THAT PROPERLY

SO YOU DON'T WASTE ANY. HUH?

YOU SEE?

I'M SORRY. I'M VERY SORRY.

FANTASTIC PRIZES!

THREE RINGS FOR ONE DIME.

STEP THIS WAY, FOLKS.

EVERYBODY GETS A WINNER.

LOOK AT THOSE PRIZES! FANTASTIC PRIZES.

THREE RINGS FOR ONE DIME. THREE RINGS.

EVERYBODY WINS HERE, FOLKS.

THREE RINGS HERE, FOLKS.

LOOK AT THE FANTASTIC PRIZES.

COME ONE AND ALL.

HERE YOU ARE, KIDDY.

THREE RINGS FOR ONE DIME.

HERE YOU ARE, FOLKS. FANTASTIC PRIZES.

EVERYBODY HAS A WINNER, FOLKS!

YOU MUFFED IT THAT TIME, SON.

EVERYBODY'S GOT A WINNER HERE.

MY LAST DIME.

EVERYBODY'S GOT A WINNER, SON.

EVERYBODY.

'CEPT ME. I NEVER WIN ANYTHING.

IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAY, SON.

EVERYBODY WINS HERE, FOLKS. EVERYBODY!

HERE, FOLKS, LOOK AT THE FANTASTIC PRIZES.

FOLKS, YOU CAN'T GO HALFWAY.

IT'S GOT TO GO ALL THE WAY DOWN.

LADY, YOU CAN TAKE THREE.

HE WON, HE WON!

!¡CHE MERAVIGLIOSO!

YOUR FATHER, THE CHIEF OF POLICE, WILL BE SO HAPPY.

CONGRATULATIONS, LADY.

EVERYBODY WINS HERE!

EVERYBODY!

THREE RINGS. STEP THIS WAY...

GOOD NIGHT.

GOODBYE.

DON'T YOU WANT TO HEAR ME PLAY OUR HARMONICA?

WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME, LITTLE BOY? IT'S LATE.

GO HOME TO YOUR MOTHER.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYS]

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?

[PLAYING ALONG WITH MUSIC]

MY FRIEND.

ARE YOU SURE? THERE'S NO SIGN OF HIM YET?

HE'S BEEN MURDERED.

WELL, YES, HE'S ABOUT 4 FEET.

OH, EYES.

UH...

GRAY.

BLUE.

OH, HIS EYES ARE BLUE.

DURING THE DAYTIME,

YOU CAN REACH ME AT THE DEPARTMENT OF STATE.

[DOOR BUZZES]LEGAL DIVISION. THANK YOU.

SIGNORE WINTERS? ROBERT!

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HE'S BEEN RUN OVER. ARE THERE ANY BROKEN BONES?

NO, HE'S ALL RIGHT.

LET ME HAVE HIM.

LEAVE HER ALONE.

SHE PROMISED TO PUT ME TO BED.

HER NAME IS CINZIA. SHE'S MY FRIEND.

HELLO, CINZIA.

HELLO. I TRIED ALL NIGHT TO FIND OUT YOUR ADDRESS,

BUT HE DIDN'T WISH TO COME HOME AT ALL.

OH, REALLY?

YOU MUST HAVE DONE SOMETHING TERRIBLE TO HIM.

YES, I DID. I TOOK HIM TO A CONCERT.

NOW MAY I HAVE HIM?

LET HER CARRY ME. I LIKE IT.

ALL RIGHT.

THE BEDROOM'S OVER THERE.

YOU HAVE FUN?

IT WAS A BALL.

YOU TRY THAT AGAIN, YOUNG MAN,

YOU'LL GET A SPANKING YOU'LL NEVER FORGET.

OH, YES. A SPANKING SOLVES SO MANY THINGS.

OR A SLAP IN THE FACE--

IT'S SO MUCH EASIER THAN UNDERSTANDING.

2 POINTS FOR HER.

WELCOME TO OUR SIDE, KINZIA.

CINZIA.

COULD YOU COME BACK TOMORROW

AND TAKE CARE OF US?

WE CAN'T GET A MAID.

OH, I WOULD LIKE TO VERY MUCH,

BUT I AM... PREOCCUPIED.

THAT IS THE RIGHT WORD?

YES. THAT'LL DO.

I'D LIKE TO THANK YOU PROPERLY

FOR ALL YOU'VE DONE,

BUT MAY I HAVE MY FAMILY BACK FOR A FEW MINUTES FIRST?

WOULD YOU MIND WAITING IN THE OTHER ROOM?

OF COURSE. ARRIVEIDERCI,ROBERTO.

ROBERTO'S ME. IT'S ITALIAN.

IS IT REALLY?

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT. AND THANK YOU FOR THE DANCE.

ANY TIME.

HERE. HERE ARE YOUR PAJAMAS.

I GUESS WE'D BETTER LET ROBERT SLEEP IN THE BED

SINCE HE'S BEEN OUT ON THE TOWN.

[PLAYING HARMONICA]

I WON IT FAIR AND SQUARE.

ASK MY FRIEND.

YOU'RE NOT ON TRIAL.

DADDY, MAKE HER BE--

WAIT. TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.

NOW WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?

MAKE HER BE OUR MAID.

WHAT?

OFFER HER A LOT OF MONEY. BE FIRM.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT TOMORROW.

THAT'S THE LAST WE'LL EVER HEAR ABOUT THAT.

I HIRE THE HELP AROUND HERE.

I CAN'T JUST TAKE ANY GIRL YOU FIND ON THE STREETS.

YOU DON'T LIKE HER BECAUSE I LIKE HER.

THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU KEEP US HERE IN THIS DARN OLD CITY

AND DON'T LET US GO BACK TO AUNT CAROLYN,

'CAUSE WE LIKE HER, TOO.

THAT ISN'T THE REASON.

WELL, WHAT IS?

GO TO SLEEP.

YOU DON'T LIKE US.

YOU DON'T LIKE US AT ALL.

WELL, I DON'T LIKE YOU.

I DON'T LIKE ANYBODY.

I DON'T LIKE THIS OLD HARMONICA ANYMORE!

WATCH THAT!

I WISH IT HIT YOU AND KILLED YOU DEAD, DEAD, DEAD.

DON'T YOU CRY, ROBERT. I LIKE YOU.

UH...

OH!

UH...

WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I'M SINCERELY GRATEFUL TO YOU.

HERE.

OH, ALL RIGHT. HERE'S 5 MORE.

APPARENTLY, GRATITUDE HAS GONE UP LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.

BUT I--I DON'T WANT THIS MONEY.

WOULD YOU MIND ANSWERING ME A PERSONAL QUESTION?

HOW LONG IS IT SINCE YOU HAD A BATH?

CHE COSA?

A BATH!

YOU LOOK AS IF YOU NEED A GOOD SCRUBBING.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?

OH, WELL, I DON'T REMEMBER.

A BOTTLE OF CHIANTI. A LOAF OF BREAD.

A CORNER IN WHICH TO SLEEP.

IT'S NOT A BAD LIFE, IS IT?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB

AS A MAID TO THE CHILDREN

SAY FOR $100 A MONTH FOR STARTERS?

WHAT?

OH, THAT'S NONSENSE.

THANK YOU AGAIN AND GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

AND BE NICE TO ROBERTO.

PLEASE DON'T SPANK HIM.

WOULD YOU MIND IF I HANDLED MY OWN FAMILY?

I'VE BEEN DOING ALL RIGHT SO FAR.

WHY DID HE RUN AWAY?

MUST THERE BE A REASON?

ALWAYS!

WHERE IS THEIR MOTHER?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

THEIR MOTHER.

YOU ARE LOOKING AT HER.

I'M A LITTLE NEW AT THE JOB.

I'M SORRY.

ROBERTO TELLS ME HE'S VERY UNHAPPY.

HA HA. SOUNDS AS IF ROBERTO AND YOU HAD QUITE AN EVENING.

HE DOESN'T LIKE THE HOT CITY.

HE WANTS TO BE NEAR THE RIVER WITH HIS AUNT CAROLYN.

WHY DO YOU LET HIM STAY HERE IN THIS TINY BOX?

WELL, YOU MUST HAVE HAD A LOT OF EXPERIENCE

RAISING CHILDREN.

NO, I HAVE NO EXPERIENCE.

BUT I KNOW WHEN A LITTLE CHILD IS UNHAPPY.

I KNOW, AND HOW I KNOW, WHEN A FATHER IS UNREASONABLE.

TRY TO BE A PARENT, NOT A POLICEMAN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT PARENTS.

BUT I IMAGINE YOU'VE HAD A WIDE ACQUAINTANCE

AMONGST POLICEMEN.

I'LL HAVE TO CALL ONE IF YOU KEEP THAT UP.

I GAVE YOU SOME MONEY.

GET YOURSELF A ROOM FOR THE NIGHT.

OH.

YOU LIKE THIS?

I LIKE WHAT?

THIS PICTURE?

OF COURSE I LIKE IT. THAT'S WHY I HAVE IT.

IT'S A CEZANNE.

OH, YES, I KNOW. PAUL CEZANNE.

YOU CUT IT DOWN TO FIT THE FRAME, HUH?

WELL, H--

HOW SAD FOR YOU.

IT'S ONLY A PRINT.

BUY A REAL ONE.

CIAO.

2:00 IN THE MORNING.

YOU HAVE FOUND A MAN. AM I RIGHT?

A MAN.

YES, I HAVE FOUND A MAN.

HE'S 7 YEARS OLD.

IN AMERICA, THAT'S OLD ENOUGH.

GET SOME REST.

WE LEAVE IN THE MORNING FOR CHICAGO

WHERE I WILL NEVER LET YOU OUT OF MY SIGHT!

THEN I SHALL NOT GO.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE ONLY TWO DAYS IN THIS COUNTRY?

PLEASE, CINZIA,

YOU WILL COME WITH US TO CHICAGO, BOSTON, SAN FRANCISCO.

THEN WE COME BACK TO WASHINGTON.

COME. WHAT CAN YOU DO IN THIS AWFUL CITY BY YOURSELF?

IT'S SO HOT. A GIRL, ALL ALONE.

NO MONEY.

NOT A PENNY WILL I GIVE YOU. NOT ONE.

YOU WILL STARVE.

PERHAPS I WILL GET A JOB.

A JOB.

MM-HMM. A JOB. A JOB.

I HAVE GIVEN YOU THE FINEST EDUCATION IN ALL OF EUROPE.

YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING.

THEN PERHAPS, FATHER, I WILL RUN FOR THE CONGRESS.

CINZIA!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO?

WHO?

TOM!

THE WHAT?

THE GUEST HOUSE?

WELL, YES, THEY STARTED MOVING IT TO THE NEW LOT TODAY. WHY?

DON'T BE SILLY. I WON'T SELL IT TO YOU.

YOU CAN HAVE IT.

WELL, IF YOU INSIST.

A THOUSAND.

YOU DRIVE A HARD BARGAIN.

TOM...TOM, WHO FINALLY CONVINCED YOU

THE CITY WAS NO PLACE FOR CHILDREN?

IT WAS MY OWN IDEA.

THEN WHY'D YOU HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THEY WERE ALL ASLEEP TO CALL ME?

DEAR, DEAR, CAROLYN,

YOU ARE ALL-KNOWING, ALL-SEEING, AND SHUT UP!

ALL RIGHT, TOM.

IT'LL BE ON THE NEW FOUNDATION FIRST THING IN THE MORNING.

GOOD NIGHT.

I DON'T WANT TO GO.

WAIT. WHO WANTED TO LIVE IN THE COUNTRY?

YOU. NOT ME. I'VE GOT TO SPEND THE WHOLE SUMMER COMMUTING.

I'VE BEEN ON A USED CAR LOT ALL MORNING

PICKING OUT A CAR.

I'M TRYING TO SUBLET THIS APARTMENT.

WHERE'S MY FRIEND CINZIA?

I TRIED TO HIRE HER. I WAS FIRM.

I OFFERED HER A LOT OF MONEY.

YOU DON'T LIKE HER.

I LOVE HER! I'D HAVE GIVEN HER MY RIGHT ARM

IF SHE HAD TAKEN THE JOB.

DADDY, I'VE GOT A NOSEBLEED.

IF SHE'S NOT COMING, I'M NOT GOING!

COP'S TICKETING YOUR CAR, POP.

[DOOR BUZZES]AND THE BUILDING'S ON FIRE.

SIGNORE WINTERS.

YES, I-- HELLO.

WELL, UH--OH, HELLO!

[WOLF WHISTLE]

CINZIA!

ROBERTO, CIAO!

YOU'VE COME BACK. I KNEW YOU WOULD.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE OUR MAID.

IF YOU STILL WANT ME, YES.

IF WE STILL WANT YOU?

HE WAS GOING TO GIVE HIS RIGHT ARM.

NOW, YOU TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T WANT THE JOB.

THAT'S WHAT SHE TOLD ME.

BESIDES, SHE DOESN'T LOOK AS IF SHE NEEDS ONE.

WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE CLOTHES?

MY FATHER.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU, ANYWAY.

YOU'RE FROM ITALY, AREN'T YOU?

SI.

THAT MEANS YES.

YOU DON'T SAY. ARE YOU A G.I. BRIDE OR SOMETHING?

OH, SI, SI.YES. ALMOST.

ALMOST? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WELL, YOU SEE, I ARRIVED, HE DIDN'T MARRY ME,

SO I MUST GO TO WORK.

IT'S SAD, AND I'M DEEPLY TOUCHED,

BUT I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE JOB FOR YOU.

BESIDES, WE'RE LEAVING FOR THE COUNTRY.

WONDERFUL! I ADORE THE COUNTRY.

DARLING, WHAT'S WRONG?

NOSEBLEED.

GET ME A DAMP CLOTH! LIE DOWN.

THAT SETTLES THAT. SHE STAYS!

THAT GUEST HOUSE IS TOO SMALL.

WE'D BE ON TOP OF EACH OTHER.

TRY TO LOOK AT IT FROM MY VIEWPOINT.

PERHAPS YOU'D BETTER NOT.

HOW ARE YOU, DARLING?

THAT'S FINE, CINZIA. IT STOPPED.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO DO THAT.

WE'LL WASH YOUR FACE.

COME ON, DAVID. WE'LL HELP.

[DOOR BUZZES]

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

OH, HELLO, ALAN.

HAD ANY LUCK TRYING TO SUBLET THIS APARTMENT?

WELL, WE LINED UP A FEW PROSPECTS,

BUT THEY SAY THE RENT'S TOO HIGH.

I'LL KNOCK OFF $25 A MONTH.

GOOD. THE WIFE AND I WILL TAKE IT.

WHAT A HELP YOU ARE.

LET'S GET THE LUGGAGE OUT, HUH?

I'M SO SORRY.

WE'VE TAKEN A VOTE AND IT'S UNANIMOUS. CINZIA STAYS.

YOU CAN VOTE, TOO,

BUT YOU LOSE, 3-1.

WE FIGURED IT OUT.

THANK YOU.

WHO'S SHE?

WELL, APPARENTLY, SHE'S THE MAID.

3-1.

UPSTAIRS MAID OR DOWNSTAIRS MAID?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?

WELL, I WOULDN'T WANT YOU TO WEAR YOURSELF OUT

RUNNING UP ALL THOSE STAIRS.

UNDERSTAND ONE THING. I'M GETTING HER FOR MY CHILDREN.

ADOPT ME.

♪ ZITTO, ZITTO, E UN AFFARE SERIO ♪

♪ QUELLO CHE TI DIRO, TI DIRO ♪

♪ IL VINCITOR, NELLA VITA, NELL'AMOR ♪

♪ FA SEMPRE CON'A BING, BANG, BONG! ♪

♪ CONBING, BANG, BONG! ♪

♪ CONBING, BANG, BONG! ♪

WELL, WE'RE ALMOST AT OUR NEW HOUSE.

♪ PRESTO, PRESTO, DO YOUR VERY BEST-O ♪

♪ DON'T HANG BACK LIKE A SHY LITTLE KID ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE SO GLAD THAT YOU DID WHAT YOU DID ♪

♪ FA SEMPRE CON'A BING, BANG, BONG! ♪

♪ FA SEMPRE CON'A BING, BANG, BONG! ♪

♪ CONBING, BANG, BONG! ♪

♪ CONBING, BANG, BONG! ♪

I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE WONDERFUL, DON'T YOU?

♪ BE LIKE CHRISTOFO COLOMBO ♪

♪♪♪ ♪ TAKE A CHANCE, TAKE A CHANCE ♪

♪ DON'T BE A DOPEY OR A DUMBO ♪

[HONKING HORN]♪ GOIN' ROUND IN A TRANCE ♪

♪ PREGO, PREGO, ANYWHERE YOU MAY GO... ♪

THEY JUST PUT DOWN THE NEW FOUNDATION EARLY THIS MORNING.

YOU REMEMBER THE GUEST HOUSE--COLONIAL STYLE, GREEN SHUTTERS.

♪ IF YOU DO IT WITH A BING, BANG, BONG! ♪♪[HONK HONK HONK]

ISN'T THAT THE HOUSE WE'RE TRYING TO PASS?

WHAT?

ISN'T THAT THE HOUSE WE'RE TRYING TO PASS?

[HONK HONK]

THAT'S IT! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE ON THE LOT!

[DAVID] SHOULD I KNOCK AND ASK THEM WHAT HAPPENED?

HEY, HOLD IT!

WAIT!

STAY THERE. STAY THERE.

THIS HOUSE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SET UP.

YOU MR. WINTERS?

I'M ANGELO. HOW DO YOU DO?

I DON'T. ABOUT THIS HOUSE--

I COULD THROW THE BULL ALL DAY,

BUT I'M STRAIGHT FROM THE SHOULDER.

YOU APPRECIATE THAT KIND OF TALK?

FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

I GOT DRUNK, STINKIN', YOU KNOW?

YES, I KNOW.

I HAVE THREE CHILDREN. WHAT WILL I DO?

WHAT A PARTY. YOU LIKE BROADS?

IF THIS HOUSE IS NOT UP BY NIGHTFALL,

I'M GOING TO SUE YOU FOR EVERYTHING.

TWO OF THEM WERE REDNECKS. CRAZY, MAN.

I'M BEGINNING TO FEEL A LITTLE UNBALANCED MYSELF.

IF THIS IS THE USUAL WAY--

[WOLF WHISTLE]

NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

YOU CAN'T EVEN DRIVE.

YOU SMASHED IN THE WHOLE SIDE OF MY CAR,

AND I'VE ONLY MADE ONE PAYMENT.

WELCOME TO HISTORIC VIRGINIA.

MY CARD.

YOU EVER WANT ANYTHING MOVED, ANYTHING,

CALL ON ANGELO.

ANGELO? OH, GRAZIE. DONATELLO.

[TRAIN WHISTLE][SPEAKING ITALIAN]

HEY, ITALIANO!

HEY, ANGELO, I HEAR A TRAIN COMING,

AND THE HOUSE IS ON THE TRACKS.

ANGELO, THE HOUSE!

CINZIA, CAN'T YOU HEAR THE TRAIN COMING?

HOW COULD A MAN BE THAT STUPID?

DAD, LISTEN, THERE'S A TRAIN COMING.

HOW NICE.

LOOK AT THAT OIL.

I'LL BET THE TRANSMISSION IS DAMAGED.

DAD, THE TRAIN.

DAVID, YOU GO AND WATCH IT.

THE CRANKCASE IS PROBABLY CRACKED, TOO.

DAD, LOOK, THE TRAIN!

YES, DAVID, WELL-- ALL RIGHT.

GO AND WAVE AT THE ENGINEER.

DON'T BOTHER ME.

[HONK]

[TRYING ENGINE]

HEY!

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THE TRAIN WAS COMING?

CHOKE IT, CHOKE IT!

IS THE IGNITION ON?

IS YOUR FOOT ON THE CLUTCH?

I'VE STARTED LOTS OF CARS.

QUICK!

[HONK]

[SMASHING WOOD AND GLASS]

WHICH WAS MY ROOM?

[ELIZABETH] I SEE WITCHES AND GOBLINS

IN THOSE BUSHES.

I SEE 'EM, TOO. OVER THERE!

YOU'LL LOVE IT. WAIT'LL YOU SEE THIS PLACE.

SECLUDED. I ONLY USE IT WEEKENDS.

AT LEAST WE CAN STAY THERE TONIGHT

UNTIL THE CAR IS FIXED.

HERE WE ARE.

WHERE?

ON THE RIVER. THE RIVER.

YOU EVER SEE ANYTHING SO BEAUTIFUL?

NEVER. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

TRY IT FOR ONE NIGHT.

YOU'D BETTER. I THINK IT'S GOING TO RAIN.

IF YOU LIKE IT, I'LL MAKE YOU A GOOD DEAL.

I OWE IT TO YOU.

PERHAPS THERE IS A NICE, COMFORTABLE HOTEL, HMM?

IF YOU'RE WILLING TO PAY

FOR PUTTING UP A NICE, COMFORTABLE FAMILY OF FIVE,

OR YOU COULD SELL AN OLD CEZANNE

YOU MAY HAVE HANGING AROUND.

LET ME SHOW IT TO YOU. WHAT CAN YOU LOSE?

YOU DON'T SAY.

I TELL YOU, IT'S THE BEST LOCATION AROUND.

I THINK THAT'S POISON IVY.

RIGHT DOWN THE ROAD

IS MY OLD MAN'S GROCERY STORE.

AND ACROSS THE RIVER IS THE COUNTRY CLUB.

OF COURSE, THERE'S A BETTER CLASS OF PEOPLE AT THE GROCERY STORE,

BUT THAT'S UP TO YOU. IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.

[ELIZABETH] I'M NOT GOING ACROSS THAT SHAKY OLD THING.

COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF?

IT'S AS SOLID AS THE ROCK OF GIBRALTAR.

COME ON, ELIZABETH.

IT'S NOT SO BAD IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES.

ROBERTO, DON'T YOU DARE!

COME ON, COME ON. WHAT ARE YOU WORRIED ABOUT?

COME ON.

DON'T BE AFRAID.

COME ON.

[ROBERT] IT'S AS SOLID AS THE ROCK OF GIBRALTAR.

COME ON! COME ON!HURRY UP!

[CRACK]

PERHAPS THERE IS A NICE, COMFORTABLE HOTEL.

THIS PLACE HAS EVERYTHING.

YOU GOT A GENERATOR AND BATTERIES FOR ELECTRICITY.

YOU GOT A GAS STOVE FOR COOKING, AN ICE BOX.

A LINOLEUM-COVERED SINK.

YOU'LL LOVE IT HERE. IT'S A PALACE.

BELIEVE ME,

THERE ISN'T ANOTHER PLACE LIKE THIS AROUND.

BOY, THAT'S A NEAT KNIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S NEATER THIS WAY.

MORE LIKE A PALACE.

WANT TO SEE WHERE THE WATER'S COMING IN?

WAIT. LET ME SHOW YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL IS IT OUTSIDE.

CUT IT OUT, PLEASE.

OH, DON'T FIGHT ME, HONEY.

I'M JUST TRYING TO SHOW YOU THE PLACE.

THREE BEDROOMS DOWN HERE. THE MASTER BEDROOM IS UPSTAIRS.

[CLUNK]

[GASP]

WATCH THAT BEAM.

THANK YOU. I WILL.

COME ON. LET'S GO OUTSIDE. I'LL SHOW YOU AROUND.

COME ON, POP.

WE GOT A FRESH WATER TANK ON THE TOP DECK,

WITH PLENTY OF WATER FOR SHOWERS--EVERYTHING.

THERE'S REAL LIVE SPIDERS UP HERE.

WELL, YOU'D BETTER SAVE THEM.

WE MAY NEED THEM FOR DINNER.

WATCH YOUR STEP HERE.

MRS. McGILLICUDDY, THE LADY WHO OWNS THE FARMHOUSE AROUND THE BEND,

SHE SUPPLIES THE WATER FROM--FROM HER WELL.

WHAT DID YOU SAY HER NAME WAS?

MRS. McGILLICUDDY.

WE HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT.

YEAH.

UH, I BLOW THE HORN--

[HONK HONK]

SHE TURNS ON THE TAP...

PRESTO. RIGHT AWAY, RUNNING WATER.

SO SHE'S A LITTLE HARD OF HEARING.

[HONK HONK]

I TELL YOU WHAT.

WE CAN STAY AT AUNT CAROLYN'S TONIGHT

AND GO BACK TO THE CITY TOMORROW.

I'VE SUBLET THE APARTMENT.

I DOUBT THERE'S ANOTHER VACANT APARTMENT IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

THEN WE'LL STAY AT AUNT CAROLYN'S FOR EVER AND EVER.

HOW ABOUT IT?

ANGELO, WE'RE STAYING HERE FOR THE NIGHT.

[KIDS WHINING]

YOU'LL LOVE IT HERE.

IT'S A WONDERFUL PLACE FOR KIDS.

AND NOT SO BAD FOR SPIDERS.

I'LL FIX THE GANGPLANK AND BRING YOUR STUFF IN.

KEEP YOUR MOTOR RUNNING. I'LL BE AROUND.

WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

LET'S GET OFF THIS JUNK HEAP.

IT ISN'T SO BAD.

AFTER CINZIA DOES SOME CLEANING,

IT MIGHT BE QUITE COMFORTABLE.

WHO? I?

IT WILL TAKE YEARS.

IT'S GOING TO RAIN. I BET THE ROOF LEAKS.

LET'S MAKE THE BEST OF THINGS.

LET'S PLAY A GAME WHILE WE'RE WAITING FOR ANGELO.

I DON'T KNOW ANY GAME.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER THAT GAME WHO, SIR, ME SIR?

COME ON, SWEETIE.

WHAT WAS I?

YOU WERE RED CAP, AND HE WAS BLACK CAP.

YOU WERE GOLD CAP, WEREN'T YOU, ELIZABETH?

LET'S PLAY.

BLACK CAP!

[DAVID] WHO, SIR, ME, SIR?

[TOM] YES, SIR, YOU SIR.

NO, SIR, NOT I, SIR.

WHO THEN, SIR? SAY BOXER.

BOXER.

[HONK HONK]

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

HA HA HA HA!

THANK YOU, MRS. McGILLICUDDY.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

[THUNDERCLAP]

[GENERATOR WON'T START]

DID YOU FIX THE GENERATOR?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH KEROSENE LAMPS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, THEY'RE RATHER QUAINT.

BUT YOU CAN'T SEE SO GOOD WITH THEM.

OF COURSE YOU CAN.

I WARNED YA.

YOU SHOULD BE IN BED.

COME AND SEE WHAT CINZIA INVENTED FOR US.

YOU SEE? WHEN A FISH COMES,

THE BELL RINGS AND ANNOUNCES HIS ARRIVAL.

ISN'T IT NICE?

VERY NICE.

DO YOU THINK IF YOU ATTACH ONE END TO A DUST RAG,

THE FISH MIGHT DUST THE FURNITURE FOR YOU?

THEY GAVE HERCULES MUCH MORE TIME

TO CLEAN THE AUGEAN STABLES.

EVERY EMPLOYER IS DIFFERENT.

I SUGGEST YOU GET TO BED

SO YOU CAN GET STARTED EARLY.

YES, OF COURSE.

HERE'S THE KNIFE BACK, DAVID.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT KNIFE?

IT WAS ON THE GROUND NEAR THE TRUCK.

THAT FELLA WHO DROVE IT MUST HAVE DROPPED IT.

WELL, THEN, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL HIM?

I NEEDED A KNIFE.

I BEG YOUR PARDON.

IT WASN'T ON THE GROUND, WAS IT?

COME ON. GIVE IT TO ME.

I DIDN'T STEAL IT. SWEAR ON THE BIBLE.

I'M REALLY ASHAMED OF YOU.

I KNOW. I CAN'T START A CAR EITHER.

YOU GO TO SLEEP.

I'LL WAKE YOU IF A FISH COMES.

YOU WON'T NEED TO.

I WON'T BE ASLEEP.

THEN YOU WAKE ME.

SURE.

ELIZABETH...

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I'M FINE.

[THUNDERCLAP]

SIGNOR WINTERS.

YEAH? AHEM.

I READ THIS, UH,

THIS, UH, COMMUNIQUEÉ.

WELL, IT'S YOUR SCHEDULE.

IT'S QUITE SIMPLE.

"7:15 A.M.-- WAKE THE CHILDREN.

"7:25 A.M.-- CLEAN SINK, PANTRY, AND ICEBOX.

"7:45 A.M.-- PREPARE BREAKFAST.

8:00 A.M.--BREAKFAST--"

WHAT'S WRONG ABOUT THAT?

IT'S NO USE. I AM LEAVING IN THE MORNING.

WILL YOU EXPLAIN TO THE CHILDREN, PLEASE?

EXPLAIN?

THERE'S NO WAY I CAN EXPLAIN.

THEY'LL BE CERTAIN I'VE THROWN YOU OUT

JUST BECAUSE THEY LIKED YOU.

WELL, I--I CANNOT STAY.

I SIMPLY CANNOT STAY HERE.

OH, I'M SORRY. WOULD YOU LIKE SOME, TOO?

YES, I WOULD LIKE SOME, TOO,

ESPECIALLY IF IT'LL HELP BREAK DOWN THE SOCIAL BARRIERS

BETWEEN CAPITAL AND LABOR.

ALTHOUGH, IN THIS CASE,

I'M NOT SURE WHO IS WHO.

YOU'RE HARDLY MY IDEA

OF THE FAITHFUL OLD FAMILY RETAINER,

BUT YOU'VE GOT TO STAY.

THEY WANT YOU.

AND I'VE LOST TOUCH.

WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD.

WE USED TO BE SUCH FRIENDS, DIDN'T WE?

OH, WELL, NEVER MIND.

IT'LL PROBABLY TAKE AN ACT OF CONGRESS

TO GET ME BACK INTO THIS FAMILY.

THEY DO LIKE YOU. YOU WILL SEE.

I WAS NEVER CUT OUT FOR IT.

I'M ONE OF THE, UH,

UNDOMESTICATED ANIMALS.

BUT WHEN THEY LOST THEIR MOTHER,

I FELT IT MIGHT BE BEST TO COME HOME

AND TRY TO MAKE IT UP TO THEM.

IT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME THEY WOULDN'T WANT TO HAVE ME AROUND.

ISN'T THAT CURIOUS?

ALMOST EVERY OTHER PLACE I GO,

GROWNUPS SEEM TO WANT ME.

IN CERTAIN CIRCLES, I'M EVEN CONSIDERED QUITE CHARMING AND DEBONAIR.

BUT CHILDREN CAN LOOK RIGHT THROUGH ME

AS IF THERE WERE NOTHING THERE.

WELL, MAYBE THERE ISN'T.

MAYBE THEIR MOTHER FOUND THAT OUT A LONG TIME AGO.

THEY SAY THAT FISHING IS ALWAYS GOOD AFTER A THUNDERSTORM.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

7:15...I'LL WAKE THE CHILDREN.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

CIAO.

CIAO.

[THUNDERCLAP]

CINZIA?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I'M AFRAID. I'M AFRAID.

SO AM I, DARLING.

DON'T YOU LIKE THUNDER EITHER?

OH, NO.

I'M FRIGHTENED EVERY TIME.

IN THE WAR IT WAS LIKE THIS EVERY, EVERY NIGHT.

I WOULDN'T LIKE WAR.

WHEN I WAS A CHILD, I THOUGHT I WOULD,

BUT NOT NOW.

MY MOTHER ON SUCH A NIGHT--

OUR BIG HOUSE...

GONE.

WHERE I LIVE, EVERYBODY'S FRIGHTENED OF THE THUNDER.

IF MY FATHER LIVED THERE,

HE'D TELL THEM IT WAS JUST TWO PIECES OF AIR

COMING TOGETHER.

I'M SO SICK OF THOSE TWO PIECES OF AIR.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

MY FATHER WOULD SAY,

"CINZIA...

CINZIA, PAZZARELLA."

FOOLISH.

THEY'RE NO HELP-- FATHERS.

CAN I GET INTO BED WITH YOU?

YES...

BUT WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY NOT IN BED WITH YOUR FATHER?

HE WOULDN'T WANT ME.

HE'D SAY I WAS,

UM, WHAT?

PAZZARELLA?

YES. HE DOESN'T LIKE ME TO BE A BABY.

ELIZABETH, DID YOU EVER THINK

THAT YOUR FATHER IS AFRAID, TOO?

HIM? YES.

BUT HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO KNOW.

SOMETIMES IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO BE A GROWNUP.

WHY DON'T YOU GO UPSTAIRS TO HIM?

IT'S A TERRIBLE NIGHT.

WELL, GEE WHIZ,

I GOT TO GET IN BED WITH SOMEBODY.

WHY DON'T YOU COME, TOO?

HE'S GOT A BIG BED.

WELL, I DON'T THINK IT'S BIG ENOUGH.

OH!

[THUNDERCLAP]

[TICKING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

CINZIA--

UH, CINZIA.

SHH!

YOU'LL WAKE HER.

WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I INTEND TO DO.

I HAVE TO BE AT THE OFFICE IN 45 MINUTES.

THEN JUST SHAKE HER A LITTLE.

OH...

UH...

[SIGHING]

AHEM. YOU SHAKE HER.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? ARE YOU SCARED?

YES, I'M SCARED.

CHICKEN.

CINZIA, WAKE UP.

OHH. BUON GIORNO, ROBERTO.

BUON GIORNO.

I'M NOT ALONE.

SIGNOR WINTERS.

YES, YES. BUON GIORNO.

THE CHILDREN ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DRESSED

AND BREAKFAST ON THE TABLE.

THE KIDS WANT OATMEAL,

AND I LIKE SCRAMBLED EGGS AND BACON.

THE EGGS DRY, THE BACON CRISP.

TOAST AND COFFEE. YOU GOT THAT?

MA SI, MA SI.

FINE.

THERE IS ONE THING YOU OUGHT TO KNOW...

ONE LITTLE THING.

I DO NOT COOK.

YOU DO NOT COOK?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT BEFORE I HIRED YOU?

YOU NEVER ASKED.

YOU CAN SCRAMBLE AN EGG, CAN'T YOU?

OH, SI, SI,YES...

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, SCRAMBLE?

JUST TAKE THE KIDS TO THE VILLAGE FOR BREAKFAST.

AND I'LL HAVE JUST SOME COFFEE.

YOU CAN MAKE COFFEE, I HOPE?

SI.

NOT AMERICAN COFFEE.

DO YOU HAVE AN ESPRESSO MAKER?

NEVER MIND. I CAN DO WITHOUT FOOD AND COFFEE.

I-I DON'T NEED IT.

YOU EAT TOO MUCH ANYWAYS.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

NOW, GO BACK TO SLEEP. BUON GIORNO.

[HONK HONK]

[HONK HONK HONK]

DADDY, WAIT!

HMM? WHAT?

I'VE MADE AMERICAN COFFEE.

I READ HER THE LABEL.

YOU DID WHAT?

I READ HER THE LABEL.

I DON'T SEE HOW YOU COULD.

I THINK IT'S STILL IN THE COFFEE.

YOU DON'T LIKE IT?

WELL...

SHE BURNED HER HAND TWICE.

OH? WELL, IT'S WONDERFUL.

WHY DON'T YOU DRINK IT?

YOU DON'T WANT TO HURT HER FEELINGS, DO YOU?

NO, NO.

GOOD, ISN'T IT?

HOLY--AHEM.

ISN'T IT?

DELICIOUS.

I DON'T SEE HOW YOU AMERICANS CAN STOMACH THIS.

IT TASTES HORRIBLE TO ME.

WE'RE A YOUNG COUNTRY,

AND I DOUBT IF WE'LL GROW MUCH OLDER.

GOODBYE.

BYE, DADDY.

DADDY?

WELL, NOW, WHAT BROUGHT THAT ON?

WHAT?

YOU KISSING ME GOODBYE.

DON'T I ALWAYS?

HOW FOOLISH OF ME NOT TO HAVE NOTICED.

GOODBYE.

GOODBYE.

TAKE IT EASY.

PRETTY GOOD REPAIR JOB ON THE CAR, HUH?

LISTEN TO THAT MOTOR.

DID YOU MAKE UP YOUR MIND ABOUT THE BOAT?

DO YOU WANT TO RENT, BUY, MAKE A DEAL?

IT'S A LEAKY, BROKEN-DOWN SOGGY DERELICT

THAT'LL PROBABLY SINK AND DUMP US ALL IN THE RIVER.

BUT I WOULDN'T THINK OF LIVING ANY OTHER PLACE.

YEAH, I'LL MAKE A DEAL.

CAN YOU SELECT A MELON FOR ME?

THE FOURTH OF JULY.

I CAN'T TELL WHICH ARE RIPE.

THE SONS OF ITALY BALL.

WE'LL TIE ONE ON TOGETHER, HUH?

YOU WANT TO BE THE LUCKY GIRL THIS YEAR?

MR. DONATELLO, YOU HAVE A CERTAIN NATIVE CHARM.

PLEASE RESERVE IT FOR THE NATIVES.

ELIZABETH!

AUNT CAROLYN!

HI, SWEETIE.

I SAW DAVID AT THE HOUSEBOAT.

HE TOLD ME YOU WERE SHOPPING.

YES. CINZIA'S GETTING MELON AND PROSCIUTTO.

THAT'S HAM.

YOU EAT IT COLD, AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO COOK IT.

WHO'S CINZIA?

CINZIA'S OUR MAID.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO COOK.

SO I SEE.

WHERE'S YOUR FATHER?

HE'S DOING THE LAUNDRY FOR THE WEEKEND AT THE LAUNDROMAT.

WE HAVE TO BRING THE CLOTHES THERE

BECAUSE CINZIA DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO WASH.

JUST WHAT DOES SHE DO?

OH, EVERYTHING.

[MACHINE BUZZING]

THEY'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 15 YEARS.

WHAT HAPPENED?

MR. WINTERS,

YOUR FIRST BATCH IS DRY.

OH, THANK YOU.

WOULD YOU PUT IT ON THE TABLE, PLEASE?

WELL, HARRY TOLD HER

HE WAS GOING TO THESE NIGHT BASEBALL GAMES EVERY NIGHT.

EVERY NIGHT?

THAT'S AN AWFUL LOT OF BASEBALL.

HE CARRIED THIS PORTABLE RADIO WITH HIM

SO HE COULD KEEP UP WITH THE GAMES

IN CASE SHE ASKED QUESTIONS WHEN HE GOT HOME.

OH, THEY'RE SNEAKY... MEN.

SO GERTRUDE FOLLOWED HIM.

NATURALLY.

HE MET THIS BLONDE AT THIS MOTEL.

HE TOOK A ROOM?

YOU KNOW ANYBODY THAT GOES TO A MOTEL TO SIT IN THE LOBBY?

WELL, SHE LISTENED AT THE DOOR.

THE BASES WERE LOADED, AND THERE WERE TWO OUT.

SO SHE PEEPED THROUGH THE KEYHOLE.

[MACHINE BUZZING]

[DING]

PRETTY DIRTY. NEEDS ANOTHER, UH...

BASES LOADED. TWO OUT.

I'LL TELL YOU LATER.

HI.

HELLO, CAROLYN.

CAN WE GO SOMEPLACE AND TALK?

MY LAUNDRY'S IN FOR ANOTHER INNING.

IS IT IMPORTANT, DEAR?

NOT VERY.

JOHN AND I ARE THROUGH.

I FILED SUIT.

[MACHINE BUZZING]

[DING]

I'LL TELL YOU LATER.

LET ME KNOW THE FINAL SCORE.

WELL, I CAN'T SAY I'M SURPRISED.

ANY CHANCE OF YOU AND JOHN PATCHING IT UP?

NONE.

OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S ANOTHER WOMAN.

HMM. IS THERE ANOTHER MAN?

NOW THAT YOU BRING IT UP, YES, THERE IS ONE.

DO I KNOW HIM?

NOT VERY WELL.

[ELIZABETH] DADDY?

YEAH?

COME HERE. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

CAN I? I MEAN TONIGHT, TOO?

OF COURSE.

EVEN IF IT DOESN'T THUNDER?

ESPECIALLY.

OOPS!

OH, ISN'T THAT NICE?

[BUZZING]

THAT'S A CLEVER IDEA.

HOW DID YOU THINK OF THAT?

[TURNS OFF]

WELL, ONCE AT THE VATICAN,

I WAS LOOKING UP, AND I SAID TO MYSELF,

"HOW DID MICHELANGELO PAINT THAT CEILING?"

I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE HAD A POGO STICK.

OOPS!

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

NOW THEY MATCH.

THANK YOU.

WHO, SIR? ME, SIR?

YES, SIR. YOU, SIR.

NO, SIR. NOT I, SIR.

WHO, THEN, SIR? GOLD CAP.

WHO, SIR? ME, SIR?

YES, SIR. YOU, SIR.

NO, NOT I, SIR.

WHO, THEN, SIR? PINK CAP.

WHO, SIR? ME, SIR?

YES, SIR. YOU, SIR...

DAVID, WANT TO GET IN THE GAME?

NAH.

WHY NOT?

THESE ROPES ARE SHOT.

I'M GOING TO CHANGE THEM.

YOU'LL SET THE WHOLE BOAT ADRIFT.

ANGELO'S COMING TOMORROW.

LEAVE IT FOR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW.

SURE. I FORGOT FOR A MINUTE THAT I WAS A LAMEBRAIN.

SOMETIMES YOU BEHAVE LIKE ONE.

WHERE'D YOU GET ALL THAT NEW ROPE?

GO TO YOUR ROOM.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET ANYTHING TO EAT TONIGHT.

THANKS.

I'M TRYING TO LOSE WEIGHT.

WELL, NOW, WHERE WERE WE?

[BUZZING]

OOPS.

THANK YOU, MICHELANGELO. THANK YOU.

NOW EVERYTHING MATCHES.

[WIND BLOWING]

[CREAKS]

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

HELP!

WHO IS IT?

IT'S DAVID.

DAVID?

YEAH.

HELP!

LISTEN TO ME.

IF YOU WANT TO GO DOWN THE RIVER

TO YOUR AUNT CAROLYN SO MUCH,

I'LL DRIVE YOU THERE TOMORROW MORNING.

I CAN HITCH.

I'LL DRIVE YOU THERE.

NOW, EVERYBODY GET SOME SLEEP.

COME ALONG, YOU.

COME ON, YOU.

GOOD NIGHT, DAVID.

GOOD NIGHT, ROBERTO.

GOOD NIGHT, CINZIA.

SO, YOU ARE LEAVING IN THE MORNING, HMM?

HE DOESN'T CARE.

WHO DIVED IN FOR YOU--

AUNT CAROLYN?

SIGNOR WINTERS.

WHAT?

SPEAK TO HIM. ASK HIM NOT TO GO.

THAT'S ALL HE'S WAITING FOR.

IF HE WANTS TO, I'M NOT GOING TO STOP HIM. I'VE DONE MY BEST.

YOU ARE LIKE MY FATHER. PIG-HEADED.

COMPLETELY PIG-HEADED.

HMM.

IT IS THE RIGHT WORD-- PIG-HEADED?

IT'LL DO.

DAVID IS A CHILD.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS FOR A CHILD TO BE ALONE?

I KNOW.

HE HAS BEEN TERRIBLY HURT.

HE LOVED HIS MOTHER VERY MUCH.

AND AFTER ALL THIS,

YOU EXPECT HIM TO BE GROWN-UP LIKE YOU.

GROWN-UP, POMPOUS, AND KNOWING EVERYTHING.

PIG-HEADED.

CINZIA...

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TALK TO HIM IN THE MORNING...

IN MY OWN PIG-HEADED WAY.

A LITTLE BIT PIG-HEADED IS ALL RIGHT.

YOU OUGHT TO KNOW.

[ELIZABETH] DADDY?

WHEN ARE YOU COMING TO BED?

I'LL BE RIGHT THERE, DARLING.

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

WHEW.

OH.

♪ ZITTO, ZITTO

♪ EUN AFFARE SERIO

♪ QUELLO CHE TI DIRO, TI DIRO ♪

♪ IL VINCITOR

♪ NELLA VITA, NELL'AMOR

♪ FA SEMPRE CON'ABING, BANG, BONG! ♪

WHAT'S GOING ON?!

HOW DID WE GET OUT HERE?

WHY DIDN'T YOU AWAKEN ME?

♪ DON'T HANG BACK LIKE A SHY LITTLE KID ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE SO GLAD THAT YOU DID WHAT YOU DID... ♪

PLEASE, STOP THAT SINGING!

[EVERYONE STOPS SINGING]

TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENED?

WE BROKE LOOSE IN THE WIND.

NOW WE'RE STUCK.

OR WE COULD HAVE FLOATED

ALL THE WAY TO THE OCEAN.

WE COULD HAVE HAD AN ECONOMY CRUISE TO EUROPE.

[SINGING]

OH, PLEASE, STOP SINGING!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. WHY DIDN'T YOU AWAKEN ME?

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

WHAT WOULD I DO? WELL, I WOULD HAVE--

I DON'T KNOW. WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE?

WHAT KIND OF A BIRD IS THAT?

WHO CARES?

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT

WITH THE ASSISTANT SECRETARY OF COMMERCE, AND I CAN'T BE LATE!

PERHAPS ANGELO WILL COME SOON.

DOLCE FAR NIENTE.

THAT'S WONDERFUL! DOLCE FAR NIENTE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

IT'S A SAYING WE HAVE IN ITALY.

"HOW SWEET TO DO NOTHING."

YOU'RE IN AMERICA NOW. THEY CAN PULL YOU IN FOR THAT.

POOR AMERICA. IS IT ALL RIGHT?

LOOK AT ME. I'M SWIMMING.

OH, IT'S WONDERFUL, DARLING!

THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S ENOUGH.

MARVELOUS.

OH, YOU WERE TO SPEAK WITH DAVID.

I HAVEN'T GOT THE TIME!

I HAVE TO GET OFF THIS BOAT!

YOU HAVE PLENTY OF TIME.

YOU DIDN'T CUT THAT ROPE, DID YOU?

YOU HAVE GOT THE KNIFE.

COME ON, CHILDREN, LET'S HAVE BREAKFAST.

WE HAD BREAKFAST.

SHH!

I HAD BACON.

UH, CATCH ANYTHING?

I USED TO FISH IN THIS RIVER WHEN I WAS A KID.

WHAT'S THIS, THE HUCKLEBERRY FINN APPROACH?

O.K. AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DIDN'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT IT.

MESSY BUSINESS.

ALWAYS HAD TO GET MY KID SISTER

TO HELP TAKE THEM OFF THE HOOK.

SHE ENJOYED IT.

BLOODTHIRSTY LITTLE CREATURE.

SAY, SHOULDN'T YOU HAVE CAST THAT OUT FURTHER?

YOU GOING TO TEACH ME HOW TO FISH, TOO?

JUST LIKE EVERYTHING I TRY TO DO?

EVERY LITTLE THING,

LIKE I WAS A REAL LAMEBRAIN.

SORRY.

I'LL PAY YOU FOR THE ROWBOAT.

I'LL PAY YOU FOR THE HOUSE, TOO.

SOMEDAY. I'LL SAVE UP.

ALL RIGHT. IF YOU WANT TO.

NOW...

YOU'RE BAITING THAT ALL WRONG.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

YOU DON'T LAYIT ON.

YOU GOT TO PUT IT ON HERE.

OH.

YOU MUST HAVE WORKED YOUR LITTLE SISTER TO PIECES.

OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU.

THANK YOU.

AHEM.

THERE. HOW'S THAT?

TERRIBLE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

YOU JUST CAN'T CAST.

ALL RIGHT. YOU SHOW ME. GO AHEAD.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

MMM-HMM.

HEY, WAIT. I THINK I GOT SOMETHING.

WELL, REEL IN.

REEL IN!

SET THE HOOK!

COME ON!

DON'T REEL IN SO FAST! YOU'LL LOSE HIM!

HERE.

HE MUST BE A BIG ONE.

SURE LOOKS IT.

TAKE IT OFF.

WELL, NOW, UH...

HERE.

GIVE IT TO ME.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO TAKE A FISHHOOK OUT.

WELL, IT'S MESSY.

EVERYTHING I TRY TO DO, EVERY LITTLE THING.

SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT, DAVID.

I GUESS SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA.

I THINK THE STRIPED PERCH

IS ABOUT THE PRETTIEST THING THERE IS.

I GUESS IT'S PRACTICALLY A SHAME TO CATCH IT.

LOOK AT IT. IT'S DEAD ALREADY.

WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO DIE?

FOR THE SAME REASON THAT EVERYTHING HAS TO LIVE.

THAT'S WHAT I GET FROM MY TEACHERS...

DOUBLE-TALK.

THINK WHAT THE WORLD WOULD BE LIKE

IF NOTHING EVER DIED.

THERE'D BE NO ROOM FOR THE NEW

AND THE YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL

THAT'S BEING BORN ALL THE TIME.

I'M NOT MAKING ROOM FOR ANYONE.

LET 'EM COME AND GET ME.

WELL, THAT'S ENCOURAGING.

YOU SOUND AS IF YOU ENJOY LIVING.

IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.

WELL, I HAVE TO DIE SOMEDAY...

PROBABLY A LONG TIME BEFORE YOU,

BUT IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME MUCH.

WHO ARE YOU MAKING ROOM FOR?

IT MIGHT BE ANOTHER WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE

OR GEORGE WASHINGTON...

OR EVEN A LAMEBRAIN LIKE YOU.

BUT I...

I PREFER TO THINK THAT NO ONE EVER REALLY LEAVES.

WHEN YOU'RE DEAD, YOU'RE DEAD.

YOU WANT TO TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THAT FISH?

I CAN SEE THERE'S MORE THAN ONE

PIG-HEADED MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY.

LET ME TRY TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

HERE. HOLD ON.

YOU SEE THIS PITCHER?

TRY TO THINK OF THIS PITCHER AS BEING ME.

MY BODY, SEE?

MM-HMM.

THE PITCHER OF ITS OWN HAS NO USE AT ALL,

EXCEPT AS A CONTAINER FOR SOMETHING.

THE WATER IT CONTAINS

YOU CAN THINK OF AS BEING MY LIFE FORCE.

NOW, TRY TO LOSE THAT.

O.K.

GOT IT?

THAT'S EASY.

O.K.

THERE.

NOW?

MM-HMM.

THE ONLY THING IS, IT ISN'T LOST.

YOU SEE, IT'S PART OF THE WHOLE RIVER.

IT'S STILL IN THE UNIVERSE.

COME ON. GET RID OF IT.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THIS?

LOOK OUT.

WHAT ABOUT IT?

OH, I GET THE IDEA.

IT'LL EVAPORATE, BECOME A CLOUD,

AND COME DOWN SOMEPLACE ELSE AS RAIN.

THAT'S PRETTY CLEVER OF YOU.

I GUESS WHEN YOU COME RIGHT DOWN TO IT,

YOU CAN'T LOSE ANYTHING.

THAT'S RIGHT.

PROBABLY NOT EVEN LIFE ITSELF.

IT'S JUST THAT EVERYTHING IS CONSTANTLY CHANGING.

SO PERHAPS WHEN OUR SOULS LEAVE OUR BODIES,

WE GO BACK INTO GOD'S UNIVERSE

IN THE SECURITY OF BEING PART OF ALL LIFE AGAIN

AND OF ALL NATURE.

SO, FOR ALL WE KNOW,

THAT SORT OF LIFE AFTER DEATH MAY BE VERY BEAUTIFUL.

IF YOU SAY SO.

HEY, POP.

WHAT?

DON'T DO ANYTHING BEAUTIFUL FOR A WHILE, WILL YOU?

I'LL TRY NOT TO.

AND GIVE UP SMOKING.

IT'S BAD FOR OLDER PEOPLE.

WELL, I'LL JUST GO IN AND GET MY ORANGE JUICE.

KEEP UP MY STRENGTH.

[HONKS]

HEY, DAVID!

AHOY THERE!

GRAB AHOLD OF THIS LINE!

O.K. THROW IT HERE.

I GOT IT.

HOW DO YOU LIKE WHAT HAPPENED TO US?

WHERE'S YOUR FATHER?

HE'S INSIDE.

THAT'S ABOUT THE FOURTH TIME THIS SUMMER

IT'S BROKEN LOOSE.

WHERE'S THE ITALIAN PASTRY?

THE ITALIAN PASTRY IS INSIDE.

BY THE WAY, I FOUND YOUR KNIFE THE OTHER DAY.

YOU MUST HAVE DROPPED IT.

THANKS. I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR IT.

I STOLE IT FROM YOU.

YOU WHAT?

YOU CAN TELL THE POLICE IF YOU WANT TO.

YOU THINK I'M CRAZY?

I DON'T REMEMBER WHERE IGOT IT.

YOU GOT THAT TIED FAST?

YEAH. AND ABOUT THAT ROPE...

I TOOK IT FROM YOUR BOAT.

IF WE'RE GOING TO PLAY TRUE CONFESSIONS,

I'VE GOT ABOUT 15 YEARS HEAD START ON YOU.

WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE TIDE--

ABOUT AN HOUR AND A HALF.

YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR YOUR OFFICE.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

DOLCE FAR NIENTE.

HEY, PAISAN.

NOT YET, BUT I'M GETTING THERE.

[ANGELO SPEAKING ITALIAN]

IT'S WONDERFUL, JUST WONDERFUL.

WELL, IT SHOWS WHAT CAN BE ACCOMPLISHED WITH CHEAP CHILD LABOR.

HEY, CHILD LABOR, IT'S ABOUT TIME. GET DOWNSTAIRS.

WE'LL TAKE THE SHORTCUT DOWN THE LADDER.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

I'LL TAKE THE STEPS. I FORGOT TO WEAR MY BLUE JEANS.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, AUNT CAROLYN.

GOOD NIGHT, POP.

WE'D BETTER HURRY.

I CAN HEAR THEM TUNING UP OVER AT THE COUNTRY CLUB ALREADY.

O.K.?

TOM?

WHAT?

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M VERY FLATTERED.

BUT WHATEVER GOT YOU OUT OF YOUR SHELL?

EVEN A HERMIT NEEDS A CHANGE OF SCENERY OCCASIONALLY.

THIS IS VERY PRETTY SCENERY.

ALICE KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU ALL ALONG.

IS IT ALL RIGHT TO MENTION HER NOW?

IS IT ALL RIGHT TO MENTION JOHN?

ONLY WITH A SNARL.

I CAN MANAGE A SNARL FOR JOHN.

IT'S SO NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK. SO VERY NICE.

MRS. JIBSON?

UH, GIBSON.

GIBSON. YOU HAVE OVERLOOKED.

YOU'RE SO RIGHT. I HAVE OVERLOOKED.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, CINZIA.

WILL YOU SEE THAT THE CHILDREN GET TO BED, PLEASE?

YES, SIGNOR WINTERS.

I SHALL OUT THE LIGHTS IN HALF AN HOUR.

YOU DO THAT? YOU OUT THE LIGHTS.

IT IS THE WRONG WORD?

IT'S CHARMINGLY THE WRONG WORD.

I SHALL TURN OUT THE LIGHTS IN HALF AN HOUR.

CONGRATULATIONS. IF YOU REALLY TRIED,

YOU COULD LEARN HOW TO DO THE LAUNDRY, TOO.

OH.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

ELIZABETH'S SLEEPING.

GOOD.

I FOUND MY OLD ENGLISH BOOK YOU ASKED ME FOR.

I WAS USING IT FOR A DOORSTOP.

TEACH ME.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO LEARN ENGLISH FOR ANYWAY?

YOU GOT A REAL CUTE ACCENT.

CHARMING?

YEAH, CHARMING.

I SPIT ON CHARMING. TEACH ME, COME ON.

O.K., O.K.

THIS'LL BE THE FIRST TIME FOR BOTH OF US.

"ADJECTIVES AND ADVERBS..."

YOU WANT TO GO THAT DEEP FOR A START?

YES.

"AN ADJECTIVE MODIFIES A NOUN OR A PRONOUN.

"AN ADVERB MODIFIES A VERB, ADJECTIVE, OR OTHER ADVERB,

LIKE CAUTIOUS AND CAUTIOUSLY."

CAUTIOUS AND CAUTIOUSLY.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR AUNT CAROLYN?

OH, SURE THING. SHE'S COOL.

AND YOUR FATHER LIKES HER VERY MUCH, DOESN'T HE?

I DON'T KNOW. I SUPPOSE.

SHE'S A LOT LIKE OUR MOTHER USED TO BE,

THE WAY SHE TALKS AND EVERYTHING.

I MEAN, THEY WERE SISTERS.

LOOK, AM I TEACHING YOU ENGLISH OR AIN'T I?

OH, YES. GO ON, SIGNOR PROFESSORE.

"POOR, POORLY, GREAT, GREATLY."

[SIGHS]

SOMETHING WRONG?

WHAT?

SOMETHING WRONG?

OH, NO, I KNOW THIS MUSIC VERY WELL.

IT'S THE MOST PRETTY.

THAT IS CORRECT-- MOST PRETTY?

VERY PRETTY.

YEAH, IT'S VERY PRETTY.

IT'S AN OLD CORNBALL-- ALMOST IN YOUR ARMS.

IN ITALY, WE CALL IT QUASI NELLE TUE BRACCIA.

SURE.

♪ E STRANO

HOW DOES IT GO IN ENGLISH?

HOW WE ARE CHANGED...

♪ CAMBIAR CI PUO♪

BY THINGS THAT SEEM...

♪ LA VITA♪

SO SMALL...

♪ POTREI♪

ONE LOOK...

♪ SCRIVERE UN LIBRO♪

CAN WRITE A BOOK...

♪ SU UNA♪

ONE TOUCH CAN SAY...

♪ CAREZZA TUA♪♪

"DIFFERENT, DIFFERENTLY,

BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFULLY."

"DIFFERENT, DIFFERENTLY,

BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFULLY."

COME ON, IT'S NOT THAT HARD.

WELL, IT IS FOR ME.

I HAVE NOT LEARNED ANY ENGLISH TONIGHT,

BUT I'VE LEARNED ONE THING.

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO HOME.

GO TO BED, DAVID. GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

IS IT ALL RIGHT IF I SIT HERE A WHILE?

I'M NOT SLEEPY.

SURE.

LY.

SURELY.

HELLO, THERE.

HEY, LOOK, PRESENTS.

DO YOU KNOW ANY REASON

WHY WE SHOULDN'T CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY?

THAT'S FOR YOU, ONE FOR YOU,

AND THAT'S FOR YOU.

WHO, SIR, ME, SIR?

YES, SIR, YOU, SIR.

NO, SIR, NOT I, SIR.

WHO THEN, SIR?

YOU MISSED.

NO, I DIDN'T.

YES, YOU DID.

IT WAS TO FOOL YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

COME IN.

CINZIA.

ARE YOU REALLY LEAVING IN THE MORNING?

IS THERE ANY HOPE OF YOU CHANGING YOUR MIND?

WELL, BEFORE YOU GO,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW HOW GRATEFUL I AM TO YOU.

THERE'S A PRESENT FOR YOU.

FOR WHAT?

FOR EVERYTHING.

WITH THAT FINE ITALIAN HAND THAT CAN'T COOK OR SEW

OR EVEN DO THE LAUNDRY,

YOU'VE MANAGED TO PUT A FAMILY TOGETHER AGAIN,

AND I THANK YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.

IT'S A DRESS.

OH, YES, I SEE. I SEE--

IT'S UNUSUAL.

CAROLYN HELPED ME PICK IT OUT.

OF COURSE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS A LITTLE GAUDY

WITH THOSE FLOWERS AND THINGS,

BUT SHE THOUGHT YOU MIGHT PREFER IT THAT WAY.

CAROLYN IS A VERY KNOWING WOMAN.

YES. WELL, YOU'RE AN ATTRACTIVE GIRL,

AND YOU'LL LOOK WELL IN THAT.

OH, THANK YOU.

I'VE GOT ANOTHER SURPRISE FOR YOU.

WHAT?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO A DANCE TONIGHT?

OH, I WOULD LOVE TO, YES.

ANGELO WILL PICK YOU UP AT 8:00.

ANGELO?

YES. HE'S BEEN DYING TO TAKE YOU

TO THE SONS OF ITALY BALL.

I HEAR IT'S A VERY NICE AFFAIR,

SO, UH, I TOOK THE LIBERTY OF ACCEPTING THE INVITATION FOR YOU.

YOU-YOU'VE GOT TO GET OUT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME.

YES. YOU SEE, YOU'RE IN THE UNITED STATES NOW.

SI.THREE CHEERS FOR THE RED, WHITE, AND BLUE.

YES, WELL...

DADDY, ARE YOU TAKING CINZIA TO THE DANCE TONIGHT?

NO, DARLING, NOT CINZIA.

THEY HAVE LOTS OF DANCES TONIGHT. IT'S JULY THE FOURTH.

I'M TAKING AUNT CAROLYN TO THE COUNTRY CLUB DANCE.

IS THAT GETTING TO BE A THING WITH YOU AND HER?

HOW'D YOU LIKE ME TO ANSWER THAT?

ANY WAY YOU WANT TO.

GREETINGS, GREETINGS, GREETINGS,

EVERYBODY.

HEY, ROBERT, GREETINGS.

IS THE DAME READY?

THE LADY IS FINISHING DRESSING.

CINZIA, COME ON.

YOUR DATE IS HERE, STRAINING AT THE LEASH.

GOOD EVENING, MR. DONATELLO.

HOLY JUMPING COW!

WHAT A DRESS!

OH, YOU CERTAINLY IMPROVED THAT DRESS.

WILL YOU ASSIST ME?

THIS IS THE NECKLACE MY MOTHER WORE

THE NIGHT MY FATHER PROPOSED TO HER.

PROPOSED?

MM-HMM. I NEVER HAD IT ON BEFORE.

UH, EXCUSE ME. I JUST REMEMBERED SOMETHING.

WHAT?

MY BROTHER'S VERY SICK. VERY, VERY SICK.

I WAS, UH, BRINGING HIM THESE FLOWERS.

THAT'S WHAT I CAME OVER TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.

MY APOLOGIES. FORGIVE ME, SHOOT ME,

BUT I'M NOT TAKING YOU TO NO DANCE.

OH.

ANGELO, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I THOUGHT WE HAD EVERYTHING ALL ARRANGED.

YOU SAW THAT DRESS, HEARD WHAT SHE SAID.

SHE'S SHARPSHOOTING TONIGHT WITH HER OLD LADY'S NECKLACE.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG ABOUT THAT. SHE'S A VERY NICE GIRL.

YEAH, AND THAT CAN LOUSE UP AN EVENING FASTER THAN ANYTHING.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST NICE GIRLS?

I HAVE A GOOD BUSINESS, I MAKE A NICE DOLLAR.

IF I WANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME, I HAVE IT.

A BLONDE ONE NIGHT, A BRUNETTE THE NEXT, A REDHEAD--MMM!

SMORGASBORD. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU LIKE A GUY WHO SPEAKS PLAIN?

YES, I DO. BUT ARE YOU WORRIED HER INTENTIONS ARE HONORABLE?

YEAH, IT WORRIES ME SICK.

BECAUSE I CAN FEEL MYSELF SLIPPING RIGHT INTO COMMUNITY PROPERTY.

WHY DON'T YOU GO INSIDE? YOU'RE DRIVING ME NUTS.

IT'S A FREE COUNTRY.

OH, SHE'S BEAUTIFUL, YOU KNOW THAT?

YES. YES, WELL, SHE'S A DELIGHTFUL GIRL,

AND SHE WORKS VERY HARD.

SHE DESERVES AN EVENING OUT, ANGELO.

CUT IT OUT, WILL YA?

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

MY BROTHER ONCE TOOK A DAME LIKE THAT

TO THE SONS OF ITALY BALL. BOOM--HE'S MARRIED.

EVER SINCE, HE'S BEEN HAVING SONS OF ITALY

ALL OVER THE PLACE-- SIX KIDS, DOCTOR BILLS,

HIS WIFE GETTING FAT AND SLOPPY.

I MEAN, WHO NEEDS IT?

YOU'LL HAVE TO SETTLE DOWN ONE DAY, ANGELO,

IF ONLY FROM SHEER EXHAUSTION.

BUT I'M YOUNG YET, AND I DON'T WANT TO BE OLD TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT.

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, AND I LOVE YOU.

I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

EXTRAORDINARY.

I'VE NEVER SEEN A MAN BEHAVE SO STUPIDLY.

HAVEN'T YOU?

[HORN HONKS]

AHOY, CAPTAIN TOM.

THIS SHIP ONE OF OURS?

ALL READY FOR THE BIG DANCE?

DON'T YOU WANT A DRINK FIRST?

PREPARE TO BOARD.

I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH.

JUST ONE TEENY-WEENIE MARTINI,

AND THEN WE ALL HEAD FOR THE COUNTRY CLUB.

PROTECTION AGAINST MAL DE MER.

[CAROLYN] MAYBE WE SHOULD STAY HERE.

THIS IS PRETTIER THAN THE COUNTRY CLUB.

THIS IS NICE.

CINZIA!

WHO IN THE WORLD IS SHE?

THAT'S THE MAID, DEAR,

AND I, UH, UNDERSTAND SHE SLEEPS IN.

THAT'S NOT VERY FUNNY, ALAN.

TOM, YOU HAVE BEEN ASKING FOR IT.

THE WHOLE TOWN'S TALKING.

I LOVE YOUR NEW UNIFORM.

WHAT DO YOU WEAR ON YOUR DAY OFF?

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GET RID OF SADIE THE SCRUBBER.

THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IS WHAT I CALL A MAID.

UHH!

THERE ARE THOSE WHO REQUIRE ALCOHOL TO GIVE THEM COURAGE.

I'M NOT ONE OF THEM.

IS IT DRY ENOUGH?

PLEASE, SIGNOR WINTERS.

YOU'LL THINK OF AN ANSWER IN THE MORNING.

WHAT'D SHE GET SO MAD ABOUT?

SHE MUST BE USED TO IT BY NOW.

YOU'D BETTER GET OFF THE BOAT.

CAROLYN, I'LL TAKE YOU TO THE COUNTRY CLUB IN MY CAR.

TOM.

DON'T YOU WANT TO GO WITH ME?

NOT UNTIL YOU GROW UP.

I KNOW ALAN'S HAD A FEW,

BUT WHAT DO YOU EXPECT PEOPLE TO THINK ABOUT THE GIRL?

WHAT DO YOU THINK, CAROLYN?

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

AND GOOD NIGHT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

GO AWAY, WHOEVER.

YOU SHOULD HAVE PUSHED HIM IN THE WATER.

ARE YOU CRYING?

ANYBODY DOES ANYTHING TO YOU AGAIN,

JUST LET ME KNOW, NO MATTER WHO.

WHOM!

WHO.

WHO.

CINZIA?

WHAT?

DARN, WHY DO I HAVE TO BE ONLY 13 YEARS OLD?

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE A LITTLE KID?

OTHERWISE, I COULD TAKE YOU TO THAT DANCE.

YOU ARE MY PROFESSOR. YOU ARE NOT A LITTLE KID.

YOU WANT TO GO FISHING FOR EELS?

OH, YES. I COULDN'T THINK OF ANYTHING NICER, PLEASE.

AND MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE SOME PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES.

THEY'RE EASY.

YES, I THINK SO.

NO, I THINK I BETTER MAKE 'EM.

I'LL MAKE 'EM.

O.K. THEN I'LL GO GET THE SPEARS AND THE LIGHTS,

AND I'LL MEET YOU ON THE DECK.

THIS IS GOING TO BE

A PRETTY GOOD FOURTH OF JULY AFTER ALL.

AHEM.

CINZIA--

[GLASS CRUNCHES]

I THINK I SHOULD APOLOGIZE

FOR THE BEHAVIOR OF THE UPPER CLASSES IN AMERICA.

THEY BEHAVE LIKE THE UPPER CLASSES IN ITALY,

ALSO THE LOWER CLASSES.

WOULD YOU... HELP ME WITH THIS?

THIS STUD IS STUCK HERE.

THANK YOU.

CINZIA,

WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

WILL YOU DO ME THE HONOR

OF ACCOMPANYING ME TO THE COUNTRY CLUB DANCE TONIGHT?

ME?

I?

WITH YOU?

ME.

I.

OF COURSE, YES. THANK YOU.

FINE.

[WHISTLING]

I SHOULD HAVE ASKED YOU, DO YOU DANCE?

WE ARE REALLY QUITE ADVANCED IN ITALY.

HA HA HA HA.

HA HA HA HA.

WE'LL GET YOU SOME SOLID FOOD.

THERE ARE QUITE A FEW STUFFY PEOPLE

COME TO SOME OF THESE COUNTRY CLUB DANCES.

WOULD YOU PREFER TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE?

THEY ARE NOT THE ONLY STUFFY PEOPLE.

WOULD YOU PREFER TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE?

NO. I'M CERTAIN YOU WOULDN'T DO ANYTHING TO EMBARRASS ME,

OR WOULD YOU?

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, YES, YOU WOULD.

YES, THE EVENING'S STARTING OUT FINE. I CAN SEE THAT.

DON'T BE CONFUSED.

OH!

NO, THANK YOU. I'VE SWORN OFF.

I'M ONLY TAKING THE STUFF EXTERNALLY NOW.

MY COMPLIMENTS TO YOU.

DON'T REPORT THAT TO THE UNION. THERE'S A GOOD FELLOW.

TOM, I'VE SOBERED UP A LITTLE,

AND I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE.

IF EVERYONE BROUGHT THEIR MAIDS INSTEAD OF THEIR WIVES

TO THESE AFFAIRS,

I'D PAY UP MY BACK DUES.

[IN UNISON] YES, YOU MAY SAY THAT.

AM I FORGIVEN ENOUGH TO HAVE THIS DANCE?

OH, WELL, WOULD IT EMBARRASS YOU?

OH, I'VE GONE PAST THAT.

HELLO. THEY'VE GOT QUITE A BUFFET TONIGHT.

WOULD YOU CARE TO COME OVER AND WATCH ME EAT CROW?

HELLO, CAROLYN.

WON'T YOU PLEASE DANCE WITH ME?

OH.

OF COURSE.

TOM, I'M SORRY.

I'LL GO AWAY, AND I'LL VANISH INTO THIN AIR

IF YOU'LL JUST TELL ME.

ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH HER?

CINZIA? SHE'S DAVID'S GIRL.

WELL, IF YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH HER,

WOULD YOU KNOW YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH HER?

IT'S JUST THAT I'VE WAITED SO LONG,

SINCE I WAS 4 YEARS OLD.

THEN MY SISTER BEAT ME TO IT.

WOULD YOU CARE IF WE DIDN'T DANCE ANYMORE?

WHY, AM I STEPPING ON YOUR TOES?

ALL MY LIFE, MISTER, ALL MY LIFE.

TOM, YOU KNOW IF YOU DON'T MARRY ME,

YOU'RE LIKELY TO DO SOMETHING AWFULLY FOOLISH.

YEAH, I KNOW.

YOU JUST DON'T TAKE A GIRL OUT OF ANOTHER WORLD

AND TRY TO MAKE HER A PART OF YOURS.

YOU MAY TRY, BUT YOU JUST DON'T.

I KNOW.

IF IT DIDN'T WORK OUT,

THE CHILDREN WOULD BE IN WORSE SHAPE THAN EVER.

THEY'D BE ROWING ACROSS THE RIVER IN SQUADRONS.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE AN OAR, TOO?

I SWORE ONE TRY AT MARRIAGE WAS ENOUGH,

BUT PERHAPS IT'S TIME TO RECONSIDER.

BECAUSE THE CHILDREN LIKE ME?

OH, NO, NOT ONLY THAT.

YOU KNOW VERY WELL

THERE ARE TIMES WHEN YOU BRING OUT THE BEAST IN ME.

LIKEWISE, TOM.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT MADLY IN LOVE WITH ME,

BUT MAYBE THAT WOULD COME IN TIME.

ARE YOU WILLING TO TAKE ME ON THAT BASIS?

ON ANY BASIS, TOM.

THAT'S HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN.

♪ PREGO, PREGO♪

♪ ANYWHERE YOU MAY GO

♪ MAKE EACH DAY BE A DAY FULL OF FUN ♪

♪ IF THERE'S A GIRL OR A MAN TO BE WON ♪

♪ DO IT WITH A BING, BANG, BONG ♪

♪ A BING, BANG, BONG

♪ A BING, BANG, BONG

♪ STEP INTO A NEW STEP

♪ LIVE YOUR LIFE WITH A ZIP AND A ZING ♪

♪ YOU'LL HAVE THE WORLD ON THE END OF A STRING ♪

♪ IF YOU DO IT WITH A BING, BANG, BONG ♪

♪ A BING, BANG, BONG

♪ A BING

♪ BANG

♪ BONG ♪

I'M DELIGHTED YOU'RE THE BELLE OF THE BALL,

BUT MAY I HAVE THIS NEXT DANCE?

OH, YES.

MY RECOLLECTION'S HAZY, BUT I BELIEVE I BROUGHT YOU.

OH, YES, YOU'RE THE STUFFY ONE. HA HA.

OH, IT'S A LOVELY EVENING.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BRINGING ME.

CINZIA, THERE'S SOMETHING PERHAPS I SHOULD TELL YOU.

YES?

[BAND SINGER] ♪ YOU'RE NEAR...

WHAT?

WHAT?

THERE IS SOMETHING YOU WISH TO TELL ME?

♪ TONIGHT

♪ THE MOOD IS RIGHT

♪ I'M ALMOST IN

♪ YOUR ARMS

THERE IS?

♪ ONE SIGH

♪ ONE WORD AND I

♪ WILL RUSH TO YOUR...

HOW HAVE YOU BEEN, TOM?

♪ EMBRACE

♪ SAY THAT CERTAIN WORD

♪ SIGH THAT CERTAIN SIGH

♪ TO YOUR ARMS I'LL FLY

♪ IT'S STRANGE

♪ HOW WE ARE CHANGED

♪ BY THINGS THAT SEEM

♪ SO SMALL

♪ ONE LOOK

♪ CAN WRITE A BOOK

♪ ONE TOUCH CAN SAY

♪ IT ALL

♪ WE'VE KNOWN

♪ THOSE NIGHTS ALONE

♪ AND NOW WE'VE FOUND

♪ OUR WAY, I'M

♪ ALMOST IN YOUR ARMS

♪ ALMOST IN YOUR ARMS...

♪ TO STAY ♪

TOM, CAROLYN TOLD US THE GOOD NEWS.

CONGRATULATIONS.CONGRATULATIONS.

HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR THE HOUSEBOAT?

THEY'LL LIVE ON IT AFTER THEY'RE MARRIED.

FOR THIS, I'M GOING OFF THE WAGON.

IT'S A SHORT TRIP.

MARRIED?

THAT WAS WHAT I WAS ABOUT TO TELL YOU.

PLEASE, WOULD YOU DO ME THE HONOR

TO GO STRAIGHT TO HELL?

CINZIA!

IF I DO NOT SAY IT RIGHT, I DON'T CARE.

TOM! TOM, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

CAROLYN, I-I'VE BEEN TERRIBLY STUPID.

I'M SORRY. SINCE YOU WERE 4 YEARS OLD, I'M SORRY.

CINZIA!

CINZIA--UHH!

CINZIA.

CINZIA.

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

[TINKLE]

♪ LA DA DI DA DA

♪ I'M ALMOST IN YOUR ARMS ♪

♪ LA DI DA DE DA DI

♪ LA DE DA DI DA DA

♪ LA DA DA DA DE DA DA

♪ I'M ALMOST IN YOUR ARMS TO STAY ♪♪

GOOD MORNING.

WELL, SOMEBODY SAY SOMETHING.

"THE DAY'S AT MORN, MORNING'S AT 7:00,

GOD IN HIS HEAVEN, ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD."

THAT IS CORRECT, HMM?

I'VE GIVEN UP TEACHING.

THERE'S MUCH YET FOR ME TO LEARN.

I DON'T KNOW. YOU LEARN PRETTY FAST.

I DON'T THINK I WANT ANY BREAKFAST.

THERE IS ONE THING I'VE LEARNED.

I CAN MAKE BOILED EGGS VERY WELL NOW, AND CEREAL.

I JUST POUR IN MILK,

AND IT GOES CRACK, POP, AND SNAP.

IT DOES ALL THE WORK. EVEN I CANNOT SPOIL IT.

IS YOUR FATHER AWAKE?

NO.

NO?

NO, HE'S SLEEPING.

I POKED HIM A FEW TIMES, BUT HE'S STILL SLEEPING.

BOY, HE MUST HAVE BEEN CROCKED.

IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU,

CAN I HAVE MY ENGLISH BOOK BACK?

I'M THE DUMBEST ONE IN THE CLASS.

I'D BETTER START TO STUDY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'M GOING TO GET SOME AIR.

UH, DAVID, I'M NOT LEAVING TODAY.

PERHAPS LATER, WE'LL GO FISHING TOGETHER?

YOU DON'T WANT TO GO FISHING WITH ME.

I'M JUST A KID.

I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE UGLY.

YOU'RE THE UGLIEST OLD GIRL I EVER SAW!

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

ROBERTO, EAT YOUR BREAKFAST.

I DON'T WANT TO.

DID YOU KISS HIM?

WHO?

DADDY.

YES. YES, I DID.

THAT'S WHAT DAVE SAID.

DID HE KISS YOU?

YES, HE KISSED ME.

I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'M VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH YOUR FATHER.

AND HE LOVES YOU?

I BELIEVE SO. I HOPE SO.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING.

IT MAY BE THAT WE WILL GET MARRIED.

WOULD THAT MAKE YOU OUR MOTHER?

OH, I'D BE MOST HAPPY TO BE YOUR FATHER'S WIFE

AND TO BE YOUR MOTHER.

YOU CAN'T BE OUR MOTHER.

YOU'RE OUR FRIEND.

ONE CAN BE A FRIEND AND A MOTHER, TOO.

OF COURSE, IT'S MOST UNUSUAL.

YOU CAN'T BE OUR MOTHER! YOU CAN'T!

YOU DON'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE HER! OUR MOTHER'S DEAD.

YOU CAN'T EVEN COOK AN EGG!

WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER ARE YOU?

ROBERTO!

DON'T CALL ME ANY ITALIAN NAMES!

MY MOTHER'S DEAD!

I AM VERY SORRY.

I DON'T MEAN TO TAKE HER PLACE.

PERHAPS YOU COULD EXPLAIN TO ROBERTO LATER.

HE WOULDN'T LISTEN.

HE'LL JUST GET THAT OLD HARMONICA,

AND HE JUST WON'T LISTEN TO ANYBODY.

[HARMONICA PLAYS]

I DON'T THINK I CAN EAT, EITHER.

LISTEN, ABOUT MARRIED PEOPLE.

WHAT?

DO THEY SLEEP IN THE SAME BED TOGETHER?

IN AMERICA, SOMETIMES.

IN ITALY, ALWAYS.

WOULD IT MATTER, I MEAN, IF I SLEPT WITH YOU?

NO, IT WOULD BE ALL RIGHT,

BUT NOT ALL THE TIME.

WHY NOT? I DON'T TAKE UP MUCH ROOM.

IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH MARRIED PEOPLE.

I GUESS HE LIKES YOU BETTER THAN HE LIKES ME.

PLEASE, COME ON, ELIZABETH, WHY DO YOU TALK LIKE THAT?

YES, HE DOES.

HE DIDN'T EVEN WANT ME IN THERE

WHEN IT WAS LIGHTNING AND I WAS AFRAID.

I HATE HIM. YOU GO AHEAD. SEE IF I CARE.

HE PULLS THE COVERS OFF ME ANYWAY.

[HORN HONKS]

I GOT YOU A CENTER STATEROOM ON THE CONSTITUTION

LEAVING NEW YORK DAY AFTER TOMORROW.

YOU WILL NOT JUMP OVERBOARD?

NEVER AGAIN. I'VE HAD MY ADVENTURE.

I'VE LEARNED MANY THINGS,

INCLUDING HOW VERY DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE A FATHER.

IT WASN'T EASY TO CANCEL MY TOUR AND COME BACK.

WASN'T IT?

IT'S ALL RIGHT?

JUST PERFECT.

MAY I HAVE A SIP?

WE'LL GO TO COMO TOGETHER, A VACATION.

THEN THERE'S A CONCERT AT LA SCALA.

WHAT AN OVATION WE'LL GET.

YOU WILL GET.

I WILL GET.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

YOU'RE EXPECTING SOMEBODY?

YES?

I'M LOOKING FOR MISS CINZIA ZACCARDI.

SHE'S NOT IN.

7 YEARS OLD, HUH?

YOU LEFT SOME DIRTY DISHES IN THE SINK.

SORRY. IT WAS A LOVELY INTERLUDE.

I ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT,

UNTIL WE BOTH HAD TOO MUCH CHAMPAGNE AND SPOILED IT ALL.

IT WAS JUST AN INTERLUDE?

YES.

YOU KNOW, FOR ONE WHO'S HAD SO MUCH EXPERIENCE LYING,

YOU'RE NOT DOING VERY WELL AT THIS MOMENT.

I TALKED WITH THE CHILDREN AFTER I GOT YOUR NOTE.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FATHER.

SIGNOR WINTERS, ARTURO ZACCARDI.

HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH.

WILL YOU HAVE SOME TEA?

AND YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ME.

IT'S EXCELLENT TEA. I DIDN'T MAKE IT.

AREN'T YOU?

ONE LUMP OR TWO?

YOU STAY OUT OF THIS.

YOU HAVE YOUR LIFE,

AND YOUR CHILDREN ARE YOUR FRIENDS AGAIN.

THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING.

IT'S NOT SO IMPORTANT TO BE THEIR FRIEND.

IT IS IMPORTANT TO BE THEIR FATHER.

I HAVE MY LIFE, AND I HAVE MY FATHER,

AND I HAVE FINALLY COME TO UNDERSTAND HIM.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE VERY BEAUTIFUL.

HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT BEFORE?

YOU'RE REALLY QUITE BEAUTIFUL.

NO, I'M UGLY OLD GIRL.

NOW PLEASE GO AWAY.

WELL, I GUESS SHE WASN'T IN AFTER ALL.

MR. WINTERS, COME HERE.

CINZIA, COME OUT HERE!

I CAN LOCK HER IN HER ROOM,

I CAN TAKE HER TO ITALY,

BUT THE ONLY WAY I CAN KEEP HER

IS TO LET HER GO AWAY.

I'M TOO OLD AND TOO TIRED TO RUN AFTER HER ANYMORE.

IT'S YOUR TURN.

WHAT A TERRIBLE TIME SHE'LL GIVE YOU.

CINZIA, COME OUT HERE AT ONCE!

IF YOU DO ONE THING EVER TO HURT HER

OR MAKE HER CRY AGAIN,

I'LL HAVE YOUR HEART CUT OUT,

IF I HAVE TO GO TO THE MAFIA.

SHE DOESN'T WANT ME.

ZACCARDI KNOWS WHAT SHE WANTS.

CINZIA, VIENE SUBITO QUI O LE PRENDI,EH?

I SAW HIM, OVER THERE.

OH, COME ON DOWN.

WE AREN'T GOING TO THEIR OLD WEDDING EITHER.

BUT YOU BETTER GET INSIDE.

NO. I'M GOING TO STAY UP HERE ALL NIGHT AND FREEZE.

[ELIZABETH] IT'S TOO WARM TO FREEZE.

OH, YOU'RE JUST A GIRL.

[ROBERT] O.K., COME ON DOWN.

OH, ALL RIGHT.

[CINZIA] YES?

ARE YOU READY?

ALMOST. DID YOU SPEAK TO THE CHILDREN?

YES. WELL, THEY'RE BEING VERY PIG-HEADED.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY GET IT FROM.

OH, PLEASE, TRY AGAIN. PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WELL, AREN'T YOU GOING TO GET DRESSED?

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

BUT NOTHING EVER STAYS EXACTLY THE SAME.

EVERYTHING CHANGES.

EVERYBODY HAS TO LEAVE-- EVERYBODY, SOONER OR LATER,

AND IT'S NOT SO BAD.

EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT, BUT IT'S NOT SO BAD.

YOU'LL ALL BE LEAVING ME BEFORE LONG,

AND I HAVE TO GET USED TO THAT.

YOU CAN'T REMAIN CHILDREN FOREVER,

NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO.

WHY DO YOU TALK SO MUCH?

BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY.

WHY SHOULD I FEEL GUILTY? YOU'RE THE ONES.

WHY DON'T YOU CRY OR SOMETHING?

THEN I'D FEEL BETTER.

WON'T YOU PLEASE COME TO MY WEDDING?

CINZIA WOULD LIKE IT.

WHY DO I TALK SO MUCH?

[CLUNK]UHH!

[HERE COMES THE BRIDEPLAYS]

[MUSIC STOPS]

WILL YOU BOTH KNEEL, PLEASE?

WE ARE GATHERED TOGETHER HERE

TO JOIN THIS MAN AND THIS WOMAN

IN BONDS OF MATRIMONY.

IN THE PRESENCE OF GOD AND THESE WITNESSES

AND BY VIRTUE OF AUTHORITY

VESTED IN ME BY THE LAWS OF THIS STATE...

IF ANY OF YOU KNOW ANY JUST OR LEGAL REASON

WHY THESE TWO SHOULD NOT BE THUS JOINED,

YOU WILL SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE.

WILL YOU TAKE HER HAND, PLEASE?

[HARMONICA PLAYS HERE COMES THE BRIDE OFF-KEY]

SHH!

[PLAYS ON-KEY]

DO YOU, THOMAS WINTERS,

TAKE THIS WOMAN FOR YOUR LAWFUL AND WEDDED WIFE?

THAT'S YOU, SIR.

WHO, SIR, ME, SIR?

YES, SIR, YOU, SIR.

I DO.

WILL YOU LOVE, HONOR, CHERISH,

KEEP HER IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH, FORSAKING ALL OTHERS,

AND KEEP YOURSELF TO HER ONLY,

SO LONG AS YOU BOTH SHALL LIVE?

I WILL.

DO YOU, CINZIA ZACCARDI,

TAKE THIS MAN TO BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED HUSBAND?

I DO.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY PARAMOUNT PICTURES CORPORATION

CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE, INC.

CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1995 PARAMOUNT PICTURES